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If anybody can take an announcement like “I’ve decided to spend my dotage exercising my brain and not killing people, by making a fun card game I hope people will love” and turn it into a senile ramble about the Luftwaffe, it is former WAR secretary of WAR WAR WAR Donald Rumsfeld. Here is how he states “hey fellas I have been standing at my desk making a Solitaire with some computery guys”:

On May 10, 1940, Nazi tanks overran Belgium. Hitler’s invasion of Western Europe had a number of consequences. One was for a man named Winston Churchill to become Prime Minister the day after his predecessor, Neville Chamberlain, resigned in humiliation. Another consequence was to force into exile a young Belgian government aide named André de Staercke. As they plotted to turn back the Fascist tide, De Staercke came to know Churchill under incomprehensible stress: the Luftwaffe’s nightly bombing raids of London, an America reluctant to be dragged into another world war, and an entire world that looked to be on fire.

In case you couldn’t remember, no, Donald Rumsfeld did not fly aeroplanes for Hitler’s air corps, the Luftwaffe. That was the Koch brothers’ dad, probably!

An age has passed. Mountains have risen and crumbled again. Humanity has scattered across the galaxy in emergency pods probably. Time is no more. And finally, from the other side of the universe, where Rumsfeld’s words are still typing themselves into a Medium post, we come to this:

Churchill Solitaire is a game that is a host of contradictions — simple yet complicated; frustrating yet fun. Now it lives on for a new generation — a fitting tribute to a great man. And starting this week, it is available to the world on the AppStore and will soon be coming to other platforms.

You know WHAT ELSE was simple yet complicated, frustrating yet fun? No, it is not the Cones of Dunshire! (It is totally the Cones of Dunshire. But ALSO …) It is Wonkette Game of US America Elections: The Game!

MeetTheCandidates

Editrix, did you really just write this whole post as a way of making us click on your kickstarter, which is a third of the way funded and is doing great but not as great as if it were 57-thirds funded, which would be rad? Fuckin’ A right I did SUCKERS. You should know by now never to click on anything with my name attached. Here, have a baby picture so you can forgive me.

where the heck is Wall Drug?
where the heck is Wall Drug?

See, you are not even mad anymore. Now that you’re in the mood, let’s all watch my video again, because they taught me how to make videos in grad school, and I used that knowledge to make movies of still photos of things that look like dicks.

I am sure that’s just what they hoped I’d do. In conclusion, Donald Rumsfeld will be killing considerably fewer people in his dotage. It’s not like he’s Dick Cheney.

[Medium / Kickstarter]

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  • Tallmutha

    Don, I suggest you use your retirement time to catch up on all the travel you’ve wanted to do. Start with Europe. There are some great deals out there on airfares to, say, The Hague.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I understand the Palace of Justice in Nürnberg is lovely any time of year.

    • Antimassacree

      Hope he can talk Kissinger into making that trip, too.

    • YourNameHere

      I think all of us would be willing to front his travel costs.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I went to the page with his whole post. I read actual BOOKS (yeah,yeah – I R an olde), and that was too long for me.

  • exinkwretch

    Fuck Rummy with Winston Churchill’s cigar.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Wonkette Babby says “ye-haw! I’m riding this cute face all the way to the bank, suckas!”

    She really has a way of opening up wallets, bless her adorable little self. And yes, I did some Kickstarting because she’s cute but also because the game looks like fun. And because Editrix told me to, and I’m too afraid to say “no” to her demands.

  • Oblios_Cap

    if only the Luftwaffe had dropped a few bombs on Rumsfeld’s house back in WWII. Think of the misery that could have been avoided.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      and if he and Robert McNamara were roomates at the time

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Why can’t these disgraceful people just shut up and be glad they aren’t in prison?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      You say that as if you expect them to have any sort of shame or to engage in any sort of self-assessment that isn’t “I’m the greatest!” Silly man!

    • coozledad

      They let Franco die a natural death.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        I hear he’s still dead.

        • calliecallie

          Abe Vigoda also too.

          • nmmagyar

            TOO SOON!!!!!!!

    • r m reddicks

      Per the musical news – how about “Up against the wall, motherfuckers!” (Here’s a tip of the cap to Paul Kantner.)

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Rumsfeld said he created the game “for history” but then the fact that it’s freemium is just kind of sad. Like he can’t get any paid speaking gigs and his pension isn’t quite covering the bills.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    “Don’t buy books by war criminals.”

    • Joe Beese

      It’s life advice that has served me well.

    • Antimassacree

      Why I always moved Bush’s “Decision Points” to the Fiction section of bookstores.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        In the Children’s section, no doubt.

        • r m reddicks

          Right next to “My Pet Goat”. Or maybe next to “I Stroke My Pet Goat” in the Sexy Section.

  • memzilla

    I’m sure Rumsfeld’s memoir will be every bit as open an honest as his Secretary of Defense-ing was, which is to say (as Dr. Thompson described Nixon), a man so crooked he had to screw his pants on every morning.

  • Rumsfeld will kill fewer people in his dotage. So a few thousands instead of a few hundred thousand?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Those cards do have a sharp edge.

      • nmmagyar

        One card in every deck is coated with Anthrax.

        • Pickwicknext

          Yummy! I love that antrax-y ummami flavour

  • FauxAntocles

    You are naug– oh, look at the baby!

  • Ikimizi

    Of course it’s a solitaire game. No one wants to play with Donnie.

  • Joe Beese

    Look at the pretty Wonk-baby in the horsey saddle!

    She may grow up to be a Russian strongman herself some day!

    (Send money bitches)

    • Hutch

      Donna Rose really IS at Wall Drug! You guys totally get around!

  • memzilla

    h/t Matt Bors:
    .

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I know another game. Russian*’something, I think. Maybe he could try that.

      * Now, there is a technical argument that this remark violates The Rules. While I grant that it may appear to stretch the envelope, there is little case law on point and the statutes and legislative history are silent. Let me draw the court’s attention to In re Dere Shit fer Brains v. Wonkette, PC, in which the trial court wrote . . .

      • Objectifer

        Just use the qualifier “with votes”. For example: put one vote in the chamber and spin the chamber…

        • r m reddicks

          Ballots not bullets? You probably do have a 1 in 6 chance of your ballot working. How delightfelt should Der Rumpster become a felo-de-se in addition to a mass murderer.

      • DahBoner

        Cigarette smoking is actually worse odds than Russian roulette.

        You’re likely to get lung cancer 25% of the time.

        RR you’re only likely to kill yourself 1/6 times, or 16.67% of the time.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Yeah, but cigarette smoking takes longer. Not the Max Power way.

          • nmmagyar

            Suicide for lazy people. And I’m a smoker.

        • chicken thief

          I think smoking may increase your risk by 25% but ‘one fourth of smokers will get lung cancer’ is prolly too high.

        • Thaumaturgist

          This is funny math. I can smoke all my life and only get a 25% chance of death from cancer. How many times can I pull the trigger on a revolver before my number comes up? And when my number does come up, will Chemo help?

          • DahBoner

            Actually, that’s only the chances of getting lung cancer. Your odds of dying of cancer varies, depending.

            But I understand lung cancer is painful. And it only hurts when you breathe.

      • I just assumed you were talking about Russian dolls. Problem solved.

      • clubseal

        In Mother Russia, roulette spins you.

      • Markuserektus

        Well, you could try disemvoweling it…

      • Major_Major_Major

        As long as you don’t explicitly tell him to play it with a semi-automatic, there is only a 1 in 6 chance you’re in violation.

      • YourNameHere

        I am completely certain you are referencing the great game of Durak and nothing more.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Uh, yeah, that’s right. I forgot.

  • Michael Smith

    Rumsfeld: “Man, if I had known before that games could help you experience the thrill of competition and the need to show your dominance, I would have never started those wars. Damn.”

    • yyyaz

      “Bwwaaaaahhaaaahaaahaaha! Just kidding!”

  • jviscont1

    You know who else started wars then retired to playing solitaire on an island getaway?

    • Michael Smith

      Former Raiders running back Napoleon Kaufman?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Vacationing on St Helena, perhaps?

    • Belasaurius

      Gilligan?

    • Jeff Probst?

    • Hutch

      Napoleon Dynamite?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      No, can’t say as I do.

    • Doctor Moreau?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Henri Charrière?

    • Nockular cavity

      Tom Hanks?

    • arglebargle

      Ricardo Montalban?

    • chicken thief

      Dr. No?

    • Doug Langley

      Fletcher Christian?

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      Sterling Archer?

    • yyyaz

      Bismarck? Eclair? Long John? Twist? I know I know this …..

  • Vecciojohn LLC
  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    That picture of Wonket Heiress! FINE! Wonket Babby can have all my moneez! All three dollars and 87 cents! I can haz card game and frenz to play it with now?

    • Pickwicknext

      Wat? My pledge level said nothing of frenz? Wonkette haz monitized those now too?

  • coozledad

    an America reluctant to be dragged into another world war, and an entire world that looked to be on fire.

    The Republican half wasn’t so much reluctant to go to war as it was anxious about how to get in some of those slender fit Hugo Boss uniforms. The naval brass was so confident we’d go to war on the side of the Axis they were utterly blindsided by the attack on Pearl Harbor.

    Ask a drunk Republican if he believes the Holocaust even happened.

    • yyyaz

      Uggh. Ask a drunk repug if his wife is the acme of bovinity.

  • Nockular cavity

    Just don’t play Risk with that motherfucker.

    • Rasilom

      And if you have to play with him MAKE him take the pink pieces, He will be distracted by how Geh they look.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      He spends most of his time scouring the rules looking for that “greeted as liberators” bonus he knows has to be there.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know damn well that the instant you took Ukraine from him, he’d toss the board up into the air.

  • Gratuitous World

    I guess it’s true that you don’t always get to sit on the toilet with the entertaining apps you want…

  • DahBoner

    Rumsfeld’s War Crimes are in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat…

  • drbloor

    TELL THAT BABBY TO STOP SMILING. SHE’S RUINING MY SNARK!

    • nmmagyar

      She is a real mood killer, if that mood is angry to the point of bleeding out of your ears.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Thanks, Becca. If I wanted to see a picture of an unwashed buttplug followed by a stream of hawkish idiot gibberish, I’d go search out the Palin post archives.

  • Nockular cavity

    I’m not buying any solitaire games from this guy. Somebody will say, “Why don’t you play some solitaire?” and the next thing you know, you’re asking yourself “Why am I up here with this rifle, and why are all those people screaming?”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    When you play Churchill Solitaire, the Duchess of Windsor is wild!

    • Objectifer

      Indeed. A right strumpet, that one.

    • r m reddicks

      You joker!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I would have picked Eddie 8 as the Joker:

      “But you must believe me when I tell you that I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and to discharge my duties as King as I would wish to do without the help and support of the Führer I love.”

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    “You can’t lose if you don’t play!”

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Would you like to play a game?”

    • calliecallie

      Tic, tac, toe?

    • Doug Langley

      “How about global thermonuclear war?”

  • clubseal

    The sexxxy ad on the right side of the screen, while giving me warm and fuzzies, ruined the mood by advertising “Wet and wild women that jiggle out of place,” when it should read “Wet and wild women who jiggle out of place.”

    • calliecallie

      I find a genuine concern for proper grammar very sexy. Just saying.

  • beingreleased

    Paraphrase of something Kurt Vonnegut said on the Daily Show in 2005:
    “George W. Bush is not the dumbest person at the top of our government. Donald Rumsfeld is. He thought he could take over Iraq and its oil with 200,000 troops who couldn’t say Hello in Arabic.”

    http://www.cc.com/video-clips/1q89v2/the-daily-show-with-jon-stewart-kurt-vonnegut

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Kurt knows how to peel the skin to expose the basic stupid.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald von Rumsfailed. War Criminal. Worst Secretary of Defense for Worst President, ever.

    That paragraph from his ghost writer is yet another thing to be put on the charge sheet.

    • coozledad

      It always pisses me off when they reference WWII or Churchill. The only reason they credit Churchill is because “Not Roosevelt”, and because Churchill was enamored of the fascists for years until it became clear they were going to wipe his island out, Mosley or no Mosley.

    • marxalot

      Point of order: Robert McNamara.
      When walking through Arlington National, I had to be dragged away by well-meaning friends lest my sputtered, profane objections to a war criminal being buried, with honors, in sight of his victims attract the groundskeepers’ attention.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Robert McNamara admitted, much later in life, of course, that he was wrong.

        You’ll never get such a declaration from von Rumsfailed.

        • yyyaz

          Saw Bobbie Mac cry real tears over his fuckups. Rummie will never have to worry about being taken seriously to task on the scale that RMac & Co. were either in “The Best and the Brightest.” The only tears Rummie has are from joy at what our own homegrown Axis of Evil pulled off without a scratch.

  • Uh . . UNO?

  • Anarchy Pony

    Sounded better in the original german.

    • r m reddicks

      Prussian inflected or Austrian accent?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Prussian.

        “In Berlin the situation is serious but not desperate; in Vienna, the situation is desperate but not serious.”

  • Major_Major_Major

    I miss the halcyon days where the only association with “Rummy” was Otis from Mayberry.

  • Bitter Scribe

    At least my obsession with World War II results only in reading Antony Beevor’s books, not making shitty decisions that end up costing hundreds of thousands of lives.

    • yyyaz

      And those are just the tip of the iceberg when you add in the trillions of U.S. tax dollars that could have been used for, oh, I don’t know, funding healthcare, letting grandpa get a new set of choppers every couple of years, restoring all the goddamned cuts to foodz for the poors, … too big a sad to continue.

  • Antimassacree

    Rummy won’t be selling many games to Trump! supporters. Apparently they just watch anime when they want to play with themselves.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So I’ve heard from a reliable GOP source.

  • SnarkOff

    This means war.

  • geoffalnutt

    Yes, but in his dreams, he murders millions…each hour.

  • Ima Witstup

    OK, I’m in for the game on my Kickstarter. (Make a great gift, folks.)

  • UnsaltedSinner

    One of the worst legacies of WW2 is the conviction of conservatives that they are always living in Europe in 1938, and that all forms of diplomacy are appeasement.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Somehow they also didn’t pick up that fascism is bad and needs to be contained, then destroyed.

      • Well, they did, but they think “fascism” means “anything which annoys us”.

    • yyyaz

      Diplomacy is soooo overrated when there are rivers of sweet, sweet bloodbux just begging to be liberated by war.

  • SterWonk

    “Here, have a baby picture so you can forgive me.”

    Damn you Trix, you know us too well.

  • SterWonk

    Rumsfeld was on Colbert the other night. While I thought it was a lot softer than Colbert could have been, which is in turn a whole lot softer than what Rumsfeld deserves, Colbert did bring up an interesting point: in the famous “unknown unknowns” quote, he skipped the fourth option.

    known knowns – Stuff that we know, and we’re aware that we know it.
    known unknowns – Stuff that we don’t know, and we’re aware that we don’t know it.
    unknown unknowns – Stuff that we don’t know, and we aren’t aware that we don’t know it.
    unknown knowns – Stuff that we know, and we aren’t aware that we know it.

    Colbert was talking about stuff that the administration knew, but the public didn’t know that the administration knew, because the administration deliberately withheld or obfuscated it, in order get support for the the Iraq war.

    • Randy Riddle

      I’ve been trying to sort out all those known knowns and unknown knowns, and known unknowns and tripped over my own feet just thinking about it.

      It’s all so frustrating and fun, unlike Donald Rumsfeld, who is really just a dick.

      • SterWonk

        I’m a programmer, so “(known|unknown) (knowns|unknowns)” screams “two bits of data, so four possible values” at me. Actually, that one part of that one speech (press conference?) was actually insightful. But again, he conveniently skipped over the one that was probably most apropos at the time. :-S

    • cat cafe

      No, Colbert was actually talking about “stuff we know we don’t know, but we are withholding that we don’t know,” i.e., they may have suspected or “wished” there were WMD, but they damn well knew they DIDN’T know for sure whether there were WMD, but they told everyone they DID know. Subtle, but exactly the point. I give Colbert for trying to hold his feet a teeny bit closer to the raging fire than anyone else.

  • Dylan Black

    I noticed on the kickstarter tiers that one of them gives you digital cards. Is there going to be a fully digital version of the game? I’ve pretty much given up on keeping physical card games around for space purposes, but I’d be down to throw in some money if I could get it on my iPad.

    • rebecca

      that’s one of our stretch goals!

      • Dylan Black

        Awesome, should add it to the KS page. I’ll try and make a pledge next week after I get paid.

  • Mr Corrections

    Speaking of still photos of things that look like dicks (you’ll probably have to click ‘see more’ for the best part):

    • Mr Corrections

      Ah, no ‘see more’ but it shrunk the image. Disqus you are always confusing.

      • natoslug

        If you’re as big as a billboard, I don’t think you really have to complain about shrinkage issues.

  • beatbort

    Every copy of this game should include a copy of Nicholson Bakers “Human Smoke” as an antidote. Churchill does not come off so well in NB’s telling .

  • malsperanza

    What is it with all the Belgium this week?

    Rummy: nice hat-tip to Neville Chamberlain, who taught you a thing or two about slinking out of the corridors of power, tail between legs.

    Alsotoo, Malsperanza is not going to change her avatar, which is an actual cover image from the NY Daily News, 2003, until Rumsfeld is dead and decomposing.

  • Iam Reading

    War criminal piece of shit. Canvas doors for our troops in humvees? Ffffffuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk you don.

  • Michael Loraine

    Why, that lousy, rotten, stinking, worthless, scum-sucking piece of…..wait a minute – awwwww, what a cute baby picture!

    Never mind!

    • Michael Loraine

      Heeeeeyyyyy!! Wait a minute!

      How much did Rumsfeld pay Wonkette to put baby pictures in a blurb about a torture-monkey continuing to profit from his life of crime?

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