SHARE
He's thinking of ideas right now.
He’s thinking of ideas right now.

Fresh-faced dumb baby House Speaker Paul Ryan woked up all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning! He did his P90X, said his affirmations into the mirror, and then tweeted out an idea he had been having, about how it would be good to have some ideas, because that would be a pretty good idea wouldn’t it? #Ideas

ryantweet

His first “idea” was Shave Off Sexy Beard, but then he remembered he already did that and was back to looking like an Addams Family reject, so derp.

For shits and giggles, let’s click the link in Ryan’s tweet and find out what he has planned, oh great it’s an interview with Hugh Hewitt, our favorite. Hold on to your dicks, it’s #IdeaTime:

As conservatives who are so concerned about the direction of our country, we are going to get out there with an agenda … so that we are a party of ideas offering the country a clear choice.

Agenda good, especially if it’s filled with #Ideas.

When you have an executive that’s just so brazen, so cavalier, and so willing to break those limits, test those limits, push those limits—you know, it’s extremely frustrating.

Obama bad!

Compound that with the anxiety of the times—a weak economy, flat wage growth, foreign policy that’s a complete basket case and nightmare. And people want to pull their hair out.

Right out of their face maybe! Fact-check, though? Job growth is really good under Obama, especially if you consider where we came from (hint: rhymes with “smush”). Sure, wages could be higher, but aw nuts, it’s too bad nobody’s proposed raising the minimum wage to help push that along, oh well. Also too, gas prices are pretty good! (THANKS, MICHELE BACHMANN.)

As to foreign policy, we know Republicans are pissing their thong panties over ISIS and OMG FOUR SAILORS MURDERED BY IRAN and … oh wait, they were released and that whole crisis was a big nothing? Huh. Basically Republicans are upset we’re not doing more war, war, waaaaarrrrrrrr! Oh well.

I think the solution to it is what we’re trying to do, which is speak truth to power, hold people accountable, use the Constitution to the best of its ability to hold this executive accountable—but that’s not good enough. Go beyond that and put out an agenda. Give the country a choice. Give the people of this nation the choice they deserve, that they’re yearning for.

Agendas are so good he said it again!

This is all so precious. One time, former speaker and current orange drunkass John Boehner had “ideas.” We remember how that all turned out, don’t we? Basically Ted Cruz became the REAL boss of the moron Freedom Caucus types in the House, usurping all control from the weeping Boehner. And when all those whiny ass titty babies didn’t get every single thing they wanted, with cream and sugar on top, they shut down the government again and again and again, yadda yadda, and guess who America blamed? Ding ding ding, it was the Republicans, because America’s not so dumb all the time.

Oh, and the House has also repealed Obamacare! Then they did it again! And a million more times (over 60 at this point)! The most recent repeal vote happened this month (under COUGH Speaker Paul Ryan), and it actually made it to the president’s desk! He vetoed it, but hey, that doesn’t mean House Republicans have been wasting America’s time for approximately forever, oh wait yes it does.

But don’t worry. Ryan says this will be the year the GOP comes up with an alternative to Obamacare, and we’re sure it will be great.

Except yeah, no. Wonkette understands that Ryan is currently in his first phase of being speaker, which is when you are excited and it is a new day and your mom sends you off to Congress with a shiny new lunchbox. We’ll give him this moment, we guess. But if recent history is any indication, the phases ahead of him involve failure, alcoholism, more failure, sex scandals, crying on the pope, quitting and a secret creeping yearning for sweet death to come quickly.

That’s your future, P90X boy. :(

[Paul Ryan on Tweeter / Speaker.gov]

 

 

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Nounverb911

    “hold people accountable”
    Just as long as it’s Obama?

    • arglebargle

      Matt Drudge might settle for just holding people. As long as they’re… you know.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Homowners?

        • arglebargle

          Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Well, as conservatives used to say when I was a wee lad, idea have consequences.

  • Lizzietish81

    So…where are the ideas?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Don’t be confused, darling. Ryan had an “idea” about some “ideas.” That’s as far as he got.

    • Nounverb911

      In a box of Cracker Jacks?

      • Mary Sandoras

        A fortune cookie?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Um, the Idea is that they should have some ideas instead of just being the Party of No? That’s kinda new, coming from Repubs, isn’t it?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Be fair now. They say yes if there is a Republican sitting in the White House. Well, so long as he matches the outside walls, probably.

    • tihond

      Idea 1: Skip leg days.

      • DahBoner

        Idea 2: Flirt with Personal Trainer.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Idea 3: Flex for intern.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Right here, it says ‘Bold New Agenda’ and… Wait, I think that’s ‘Gold Hued Credenza’. I must of switched notebooks with Aaron Schock. Never mind.”

    • dslindc

      Idea-ing is hard.

      • GuidedAccordingly

        We call it ideating, or is that idioting? I can never remember.

    • DahBoner

      Idea #3: Rename the GOP something more up-to-date and catchy….

      “How does the Titanic Party sound?”

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Buddy GOP!

      • Querolous

        DEiNIAl.= Don’t Even Know I Am Lying

        DRAMA = Dumb Retards Asking for More Attentiont

    • Tallmutha

      Sssshhh– He’s thinkin.’

    • BearGHAZI

      They’re going to get Romney back, and he will be full of ideas

    • deanbooth

      * Defeat ISIS!
      * No more Messicans!
      * Eliminate the deficit / debt, whatever!
      * Lower taxes!
      * Smallify government!
      * Fix the problems!
      * Make America great!
      * Screw the poors!

      #Ideas!

    • bobbert

      Repeal and replace Obamacare?

      Kill the Death Tax?

      Back out of the Iran deal?

      Bomb somebody?

      You know, fresh thinking.

  • AntiDerpomeme
    • HobbesEvilTwin

      I should have read all the comments (which aren’t allowed) before posting.

  • Nounverb911

    “Ryan is currently in his first phase of being speaker”
    Learning how to speak?

  • JMP

    Oh, I’m sure Ryan has some great new ideas! Like, he’s going to propose slashing taxes for the super-wealthy, and paying for it by stealing money from programs that help the poor. And he’ll propose even further deregulating big business and protections for workers and the environment, because Free Markets always make things better, except for how they always actually make things worse. Bold, brand new big ideas that have never been tried before!

    • spends2much

      “help the poor”? Yeah, Ayn Ryand’s first idea will be to continue not ever doing that.

    • Whale Chowder

      Hey! You’ll ruin the surprise!

  • The Wanderer

    Isn’t he adorable, folks? Actually acting as though he can have an original thought in his itty-bitty braincase?

  • Nounverb911

    “Ryan says this will be the year the GOP comes up with an alternative to Obamacare”

    1. Don’t get sick.
    2. If you do, die quickly.

    • DahBoner

      I’m waiting by my phone for the news…
      https://media1.giphy.com/media/cqf5wzvVMiYDe/200w_d.gif

    • tihond

      “Hold an aspirin between your knees.”

      • Nounverb911

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Wire coat-hanger included!!

    • spends2much

      Or..
      1. Get sick
      2. Be rich
      3. Enjoy the best treatment the Lord Jesus makes available to his chosen people- wealthy ‘Murricans.

  • Come here a minute

    When you have an executive that’s just so brazen, so cavalier, and so
    willing to break those limits, test those limits, push those limits—you
    know, it’s extremely frustrating.

    THAT, Mr. Ryan, is how you turn #IDEAS into reality.

    • SnarkTank

      I love how he refuses to use the word “President,” as if saying “Executive” means people won’t realize how treasonously disrespectful he’s being.

  • DahBoner

    Here’s Republican’s New Idea:

    New Ideas?

    We don’t need no stinking new ideas.
    https://youtu.be/C7txPU6efos

  • ManchuCandidate

    No one expects them to be good, practical, reasonable, intelligent, or sane ideas.

  • Count Awesome

    I would have thought he would have come up with better “ideas” considering he has so much time off from work.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Agenda:
    1. Think of some items for agenda
    2. ???
    3. Reap electoral rewards!

    • Callyson

      2. Make sure they’re acceptable to the Koch Bros so you rake in the campaign contributions.

  • Pinkham’s Law

    I like that he thinks CONGRESS can “speak truth to power.” Clue for you, Mr. Speaker: Congress IS the power that needs truth spoken to it!

    • nmmagyar

      Someone might want to remind Eddi… er, Paul that he is the third (or 4th) most powerful man in the government.

      • calliecallie

        Paul Ryan speaking truth to power: those affirmations he says into his own mirror. (Okay, not truth, but speaking to power, anyway.)

  • elviouslyqueer

    The country wants the traditional American Idea back. If we have an
    agenda that actually secures that, you know, does it in detail, and we
    lay it out there, we think we will win. And that’s what we intend to
    do.”

    Never have so many words been used to express absolutely fucking nothing.

    • Nounverb911

      Sarah Palin wrote his speech….

      • Pickwicknext

        Too cohereant!

        • Jonny On Maui

          Agreed. It’s like before the salad was tossed…

      • ‘Mad Libs’ Libel!

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Is he talking about slavery?

    • Traditional American Idea: Burn all the witches and kill all the Injuns? Or get your colored slave to do it for you?

      • elviouslyqueer

        All of it, Katie!

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        You never arm a slave, fer crissakes! Ya hire Messcuns!

    • calliecallie

      Sarah Palin libel!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Paul Ryan: the updated version of the dumb person’s idea of a smart guy.

    • proudgrampa

      It’s almost Palinesque.

  • Callyson

    For shits and giggles, let’s click the link in Ryan’s tweet and find out what he has planned

    (clicks linky)

  • arglebargle

    “I’ve got an idea forming in my head”

    • Pickwicknext

      I can smell the smoke from here!

    • Nounverb911

      Better let Ben Carson remove it.

      • tihond

        “Just got to get my sponge… out of the last patient.”

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          “I think you want that other patient over there.”

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      “Wait, nope, lost it.”

    • DahBoner

      Take another hit Ryan and pass it around…
      https://media0.giphy.com/media/cCS7hyDtoUsvK/200w_d.gif

    • Pickwicknext

      It’s not a tumor!

    • HogeyeGrex

      I hadn’t realized that there were Pastafarians that far back.

  • elviouslyqueer

    BREAKING: Paul Ryan’s agenda REVEALED!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Is that Hermione Granger’s homework planner?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Are you sure that’s his? I don’t see anything about buttsechs in there.

      • elviouslyqueer

        *points* That’s under the black tab. BECAUSE OF COURSE.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Tab 31. It’s everywhere you want to be!

          • lroom

            “That’s not funny!” Alabama dumbass.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Does it have those pony porn things that all you pervs like on the cover?

    • dslindc

      Needs more glitter.

    • Metadude

      Does Paul dot his i’s with hearts? I bet he does!

    • lroom

      Needz moar hearts and curly cues end extra polka dots.

    • HogeyeGrex

      “Laminate Fine Motor Activities” is my new favorite everything.

  • tihond

    I liked Agenda 21 better.

  • Lot_49

    Read the whole post but never got to the “ideas” part. Is “Opposing everything Obama proposes” the GOPers’ idea of an idea?

    Welders (known only to Rubio) may make more than philosophers, but you’d need one of the latter to explain how opposing Obama makes you the party of ideas.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “Where did I leave that copy of the Contract On America? It’s got to be around here someplace…perhaps it’s on this old 5 1/4″ floppy labeled ‘Newt’s Greatest Hits'”

    • nmmagyar

      DO NOT OPEN IT – IT’S DICK SHOTS OF NEWT!!!!!!!!!

    • Thorn Spike

      Contract Out On America.

      FIFY

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    So what was the stated agenda again?

  • Oblios_Cap

    I’m well aware of what the GOP’s “ideas” are, and I reject them out of hand. Won’t you please join me?

  • Jenny

    “We got ideas! The same ideas we’ve had for the past 40 years, with extra fuck you added, you know to account for inflation!” Paul Ryan declared.

    But the people looked perplexed. “We don’t want those ideas. They’re broken and make us look dumber than we are. Maybe something else?”.

    Ryan, feeling that his sales pitch was falling flat, quickly uttered. ” we’ll put it on an agenda. So it’s real and ready to be tested.”

    With a bewildered fac,e the people replied “X Files is on tonight. We have to get home. Maybe some other time.”

    Ryan sighed. It looks like he’s going to have to rely on voter suppression again this year if he wants to get his great ideas back into action. Catfood for Seniors will be a thing. Just you wait!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I thought you liberals liked recycling?”

      • Pinkham’s Law

        Yep. So let’s just throw those old ideas on the compost heap to rot into something unrecognizable, and use it to fertilize something we actually want, like we do with used coffee grounds and eggshells, mmmmkay?

  • spends2much

    Republican “ideas”:
    1. Obama bad.
    .
    .
    .
    5644455667734455. Obama bad.

    • Creepoman

      (2^274,207,281) − 1. Obama bad.
      We’ve found a practical use for the new prime number they discovered!

    • BearGHAZI

      392687545. Obama really bad, NO SEX FOR ANYONE

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    Who are you calling a Cavalier, you filthy Roundhead!

    • Lizzietish81
      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Too much rubato.

      • RoyalUglyDude

        So, in this scenario, Paul Ryan would be Speaker of the Rump Parliament?

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        I can’t believe I’ve never seen this before!

  • Flashman

    Ryan rubs his forehead, consults Ayn Rand, and comes up with the following….ideas!!!:

    1. Upper bracket tax cuts;
    2. Regulatory agencies run by their regulated industries.
    3. Let’s go out for drinks.

  • Seaside

    He meant IDs not ideas, voter IDs for all darker people.

  • Mary Sandoras

    So more regulations on my whoha?

    • nmmagyar

      Obviously

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Regulations out the ass for your hoha.

  • vivian

    “See what we’re gonna do see is have ideas! And, and, and we’ll put those Ideas into an Agenda! And this Agenda will be our Plan!”

    Is he just learning new nouns or something?

    • artem1s

      Agenda was 1/25/16 word of the day on his new calendar!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I have an idea for you, boy. Why don’t you try working with this President and the Democrats in Congress to make life in America better for people?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Making life better for people aside from the 1% is just not one of their goals.

    • Quercus

      HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!1!!!! Wait. You’re serious aren’t you?

  • Looking into my seer stone, I see the following proposals:

    1. Tax cuts that predominantly benefit the upper class.

    2. Eliminate the estate tax

    3. Repeal Obamacare and give people more tax cuts instead. Let insurance companies sell across state lines so you too can get the high, high quality of healthcare they receive in Mississippi!

    4. Block grant Medicaid and SNAP, so Republican governors can spend that money on something other than poor people.

    5. Gut the Consumer Protection Bureau so Job Creators can start looting, I mean… empowering the economy again. Caveat emptor, motherfuckers.

    6. Get rid of the Iran nuclear agreement and issue bellicose threats ending in “OR ELSE!” because that worked well with North Korea.

    7. Arm people in Syria that will hand their weapons off to one side of the civil war we’re fighting. Continue and escalate fighting on all sides in the Syrian civil war.

    8. Declare no-fly zone in Syria and get into Cold War that quickly turns hot with Russia.

    9. Sell weapons to the Ukrainians because we haven’t met a conflict yet that isn’t benefited by American intervention!

    10. Let Wall St. handle Social Security.

    Gut public education, hand off billions of dollars to our friends who run private schools.

    • 11. NO POOFTERS!

      • Pickwicknext

        I assume the Bruce who teaches Randian philosophy will now be in charge of the sheep dip?

    • bozilingus

      You, my friend must be a secret Republican!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEStsLJZhzo

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You forgotted defund PP and give the money to the pregnancy crisis christian centers (must be Christian!), outlaw ‘bortions, amp up the military budget again but give the uppage to contractors and not buy anything for actual troops, make prohibitive voter id laws a Federal thing, divert all funding into alternative fuel into frakkin……

    • Ricky Gay

      Mitt?

    • AnOuthouse

      11. Punch a hippy.

    • deanbooth

      It’s a cookbook!

    • Beaumarchais?

      Now we won’t need to read whatever Ryan puts out next week.

  • Mary Sandoras

    New agenda: Repeal Obamacare, and then repeal Obamacare again.

    • Nounverb911

      Is insanity covered by Obamacare?

      • Do you believe in Insanity Clause?

        • bozilingus

          Yes, Virginia.

          • Shibusa

            …And the Claus came out.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Yes. But “conservative” and “narcissism” were deleted in the latest DSM.

      • Mary Sandoras

        Apparently not, or they are just refusing to take their meds.

      • guppy06

        Yes. I have receipts to prove it.

        Vision and dental, not so much.

  • dslindc

    Do we have ideas?

    “No”

    Oh, well then add a hash tag and that should solve everything!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Yeah, I got a big “Idea” for Paulie, right here!

  • Relativicus

    The entire Republican agenda centers around, and solely concerns, making periodic announcements about what big plans they’re oh, so close to announcing.

  • Vecciojohn LLC
    • Nounverb911

      When did Boehner have a sex change?

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Around the time Michelle Obama did, I think.

  • thenearesthippie

    If Ryan wants me to get on board with his Agenda, he’ll have to put it in a Binder.

    • vivian

      It’s too full of women.

  • FauxAntocles

    You want some ideas? Here:
    Single payer healthcare
    Raise minimum wage
    Raise taxes on the 1%
    Invest in US infrastructure
    Regulate the shit out of Wall Street
    Welcome all immigrants who want to come to this country
    You’re welcome.

  • Swampay

    Do the repos understand how exchange rates work? After 2008, Europe mostly went with the republican plan (austerity) while here Obama was able to squeak through some half assed stimulus. Our economy recovered – too slowly and not enough – while European economies mostly got worse. That’s why the Euro is weak to the dollar. Evidence that we done better than them, and that maybe, just maybe, if we’d done more stimulus we’d have done more better, and if we’d done more austerity we’d have done more worser.

    Evidence, how does it work?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Facts have an obvious and blatant liberal bias.

      Therefore they are ignored.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Remember, conservatism cannot fail. It can only be failed.

  • Jeamonn

    Well, if making you Speaker is an example of Republican House ideas…I can’t fucking wait.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Paul Ryan has an Agenda? So….he is gay?

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Dog, I hope not.

  • fawkedifiknow

    When you can’t even applaud the President announcing a new, concerted effort to find a cure for cancer, and you’re sitting next to a guy who just lost his son to brain cancer, and he’s the guy being put in charge of the program, you’re not doing “Pro-life” right. Dumb ass.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, you’re dong “pro-life” right in the sense of the “pro-life” movement, which is about punishing the sluts for their sexytime.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      He’s learned the lesson from Rubio and Christie – sooner or later you’ll be caught by the base doing or saying something not sufficiently anti-Obama, and then you’re out. Best not to take any chances.

  • jviscont1

    same old same old, Atlas and I just Shrugged..

  • willi0000000

    he’s got Top Men working on it. Top Men.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Aaron Schock LIB… Oh, sorry. You said “Top” men. Carry on, then.

      • borninatrailer

        I had to look at my URL because I thought I might have been in the Drudge thread.

      • nmmagyar

        We all saw photos of Jonothon, Aaron was the top

    • natoslug

      It’s going to get awfully lonely and frustrating in there without any Bottoms.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Ideas? Why tamper with the usual business model?

    And then, there’s this from the Google:

    • Quercus

      I just fact checked you but did it wrong. I searched “The republican party has good ideas” by mistake. Got 3 results. You’re on to something here!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I searched “Republican Party sucks” and got 594,000 results.

  • artem1s

    Enjoy the denial stage Ryan, it can last as long as you want! And you can always go back there once anger and depression threaten to crush your soul and this feeble attempt at bargaining with your colleagues fails utterly! Eventually you can face the probability of your imminent resignation, and know that there’s absolutely nothing anyone can do to help you. except Boehner, he can buy you a drinky and weep uncontrollably for you!

  • Me not sure

    I can understand why Ayn Rand held her views about society in general and government specifically, given that she was a member of a persecuted minority who literally escaped from an authoritarian government that encouraged anti-semitism in its people and conducted brutal pogroms against its people. Why Paul Ryan, who has never experienced any of that in his life would buy into that objectivist point of view, is beyond me.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I don’t believe most of them actually do, other than Rand man himself maybe, he might be a True Believer. I think opportunistic skunkdicks like Ryan just think the rhetoric touches his base in a special way (mostly, blame them others for your problems) and so ride the pony for all it is worth. When it turns out that the shit does not work, instead of trying something else, they double down out of fear of being accused of flip flopping and or being not conservative enough, which are the worse sins a modern conservative can commit

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Just like the Bundy militia, it starts to make sense when you realize they live in a complete fantasy world where they are the bestest and deserve the mostest and everybody else is fucking peasant.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That’s pretty much the world Ayn Rand lived in all her miserable life.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Paul Ryan makes everyone on his staff read Atlas Shrugged. I tried once. That requirement alone makes him a prime target for a swift kick in the nuts.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I just want to announce that I have some brilliant new snark for 2016. I can’t be more specific, you’ll just have to trust me when I say it’s hilarious and insightful.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I shiver with antici…….pation.

    • jmk

      I do trust you on that because you have the track record to back it up.

      Slightly Taller Eddie Munster and friends…not so much.

    • MrBlobfish

      Not fair! That was my idea!

      • Doug Langley

        You know, I had an idea that would be your idea.

      • SadDemInTex

        Monty Python libelz

  • DemmeFatale

    Since when has “basket case” been an official diagnosis?

    • Nounverb911

      Boehner?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That’s a bottle case.

        • Jonny On Maui

          Lindsey Graham Libel!!!!

          • Celtic_Gnome

            That’s a closet case.

    • Paperless Tiger

      Since imperialism became obsolete, like at the end of the XIX century, but it’s still our foreign policy.

      • Jonny On Maui

        And a return to full aristocracy is the domestic…

  • Bitter Scribe

    How long is this guy going to go on talking about the great ideas he’s going to propose? Yeah, Ryan, we get it. You’ve got great ideas. Now what the fuck are they?

    And please don’t say repeal Obamacare, cut taxes for the rich, and cut benefits for everyone else.

    [crickets]

    • natoslug

      Doubleplusgood ACA repeal, tax releveling for the makers, and a reduction in dependency dollars for the takers. See?- his ideas are totally original and new and great!

    • MrBlobfish

      IKR? He said the same thing in October when installed as speaker. In three months the idea is to, uh, have ideas?

  • Shibusa

    The Path to Prosperity:

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The path to prosperity starts in the womb. Be sure to pick the right one to fall out of.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    So they haven’t actually got any ideas, have they?

    • natoslug

      But they have an Agenda, so who needs ideas?

    • jmk

      No, but they have an idea that having ideas might be a good idea.

    • guppy06

      Not since Teddy nominated Taft.

  • Jack Parsons

    “and your mom sends you off to Congress with a shiny new lunchbox” and your face is on the thermos

  • Joshua Norton

    But don’t worry. Ryan says this will be the year the GOP comes up with an alternative to Obamacare, and we’re sure it will be great.

    Republicans count on the fact that being a pathological liar isn’t a felony but the only way to honestly deal with one is.

    It’s easy to declare yourself the winner of a fight when your metric is how bloody you’ve made your opponent’s knuckles.

  • Anarchy Pony

    We’re gonna make a bunch of new proposals that are the same as old proposals, that nobody sane likes, and have never worked.
    We’re fresh!

  • elviouslyqueer

    OT, but you know who else thought he had a good idea?

    • Fartknocker

      Awesome! Jerry Falwell and Trump will share youuge Chirstian Family Values. T-rump has jeebus as BFF.

      • Damian L

        He could shoot ‘im in the face and not lose any votes!!!!

      • MrBlobfish

        2 Corinthians couldn’t be happier.

        • PubOption

          But the rest of them are pissed.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Since there is just no way that Falwell jr could buy the Trump is a christian line doesn’t this expose the whole evangelical culture as one huge scam?

      • Paperless Tiger

        I’d say it’s an unnatural act.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Funds are tight. Actions had to be taken.

        And it’s been a scam from day one.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        When do they announce Trump’s new Trump™ brand Little Communion Wafers®

        THEY’RE YOUGE!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Reinhard Heydrich?

      Oh, wait…Jerry Falwell Jr. aspires to the Heydrich level of “good ideas”.

    • SnarkOff

      Einstein?

    • guppy06

      McPherson in explaining away her little Mexican vacay?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Todd Margaret?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Soon he’s going to be calling down the centuries and rolling back the frontiers, the cliche-riddled dick.

    • eddi

      When you have nothing to say, you must learn to say it louder than anyone else.

  • natoslug

    So not so much an agenda as maybe a new set of Pee Chee folders that he’s doodled on and plans on filling with notes this semester, maybe, but only if class isn’t too boring, in which case it’s just flyers for keggers, like last semester?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Like we don’t know what their big idea is even when it’s all up in us.

    • MrBlobfish

      Say, Paulie. Is that a Big Idea in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

  • MsAnthropesMr

    This just in – Trump endorsed by Falwell.

    Cruz has an extra sad.

  • AnOuthouse

    Let’s have an idea party where we can meet and think about ideas. We can make a list of ideas or at least have an idea about a list of ideas. The party will have an agenda. Number one on the agenda will be to think of some ideas. We’re definitely going to do this. We will be the idea people at the idea party formulating an agenda for our ideas! We rock so hard!.

    • BearGHAZI

      I don’t like it. Back to the drawing board.

      • AnOuthouse

        OK. That will be number two on the agenda at the idea party. First we’ll brainstorm some ideas, and maybe make a list of ideas, or maybe not, it depends if someone has a different idea, then check our agenda, and then propose a new idea where we go back to the drawing board.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I’m getting a brain storm right now. Let’s say we created an agenda, and then use some of this hookers and blow money from the Koch brothers for hookers and blow.

        • guppy06

          Can I go to the bathroom now?

    • Doug Langley

  • guppy06

    Ryan’s new agenda: next time, lean to the left to fart during a Democrat’s SOTU.

  • Anarchy Pony

    How can we rephrase fuck the poor this year…?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Maybe we can recycle some stuff that worked before.

      “The conservative opportunity society.”

      Or, not.

    • Mary Sandoras

      FUCK Forfeiture Under Capitalistic Kingdom

    • Gleem-McShinez

      We’ll give the poor some #ideas! Long, hard thrusting #ideas!

  • Aileen

    I am very good a predicting Republican #ideas. We’ll see a mix of mean-spirited efforts aimed at making the lives of poor people harder, xenophobic plans to keep immigrants and refugees away, monetary rewards for the people and corporations that installed our Republican friends in their positions of power in the first place, and red meat for their base, eg moar “religious freedoms.”

    • Damian L

      History repeats itself?

  • deanbooth

    “your mom sends you off…with a shiney new lunchbox” gave me a thermos-pride flashback, tinged with the feel of waxpaper and the smell of baloney. Well, maybe the baloney smell was from Ryan’s comments.

    • cmd

      Maybe this is the problem — they don’t make shiny metal lunchboxes anymore.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Yup. For safety. But guns in school, just fine…

  • TheBidenator

    The GOP- the party of the same bad ideas since Newt Gingrich’s carriage last buckled the speakers desk….

  • MrBlobfish

    Wet And Wild Girls Speakers of the House That Jiggle Out Of Place

  • Stein Olsen

    “We decided this year we’re going to lay out a case for the country—a
    specific bold, conservative, pro-growth agenda—for how we get us back on
    our axis”.

    Here is an idea. Stop doing what you have been doing. There is a good start.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Um, Paul…the Axis lost WWII. Get over it.

  • SnarkOff

    1. Tax cuts for billionaires.
    2. Marriage is between one man and one woman, FFS.
    3. No abortions. Ever. That is murder!!1!
    4. Global warming is not real. Stop burdening our corporations with your environmental concerns!
    5. GIANT WALL.
    6. No Obamacare. You get sick, you die. Deal with it.
    7. More praying in school.
    8. Guns!
    9. Abstinence!
    10. More guns!

    • Helena Handbag

      In other words, reaching into the moldy old re-gifting bag in the back of the Republican closet. It’s right there behind the skeletons and the gay congressmen.

    • SullivanSt

      I think you left out a few guns.

      Also, fagbashing (anti-bullying programs are the real bullying). And mandatory genital examinations when using the toilet, for privacy.

      And guns.

      Don’t forget the firearms!

      Plus wimminz should know their place. It is in the kitchen. With guns. We won’t say which way the guns are pointing.

  • Poly_Ester

    It seems Ran is taking a page from Nixon’s “secret plan to end the war in Viet Nam.”

    • Randy Riddle

      Bingo. You win the set of World Book Encyclopedias, the ski trip to Sun Valley, Idaho and the new play-at-home edition of the Wonkette card game.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And a case of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat!

        • Kavefish

          Dammit! I was hoping to win that!

      • Doug Langley

        Props for the Cappy Dick reference!!

    • SullivanSt

      Although he probably only knows it from John McCain’s re-release as the secret plan to defeat Al Qaeda.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    I’m tired of punching the same old pop-up clowns. Let’s get Sarah and Mr. Asparagus and Old Melon Calves into this thing!

    • Land Shark

      Mr. Asparagus?

      • Vecciojohn LLC
        • Land Shark

          So precious! Maybe even his Momma likes him …. sometimes. Like when he’s asleep ….

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            I guess they’re cute when they’re little.

  • Helena Handbag

    There are NO new ideas when you are trying to prevent progress and drag America back into the past!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The “new ideas” of the Rethugs wore their welcome out just before the Renaissance.

      • Helena Handbag

        yea, verily

        • vivian

          Behold the party of The Endarkenment.

  • azeyote

    is the idea to have an idea really an idea? – is that the missing clue that have made them clueless for all these years? –

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This comment ties in perfectly with Fitzgerald Chesterfield’s comment immediately above.

      We’re getting meta about meta.

    • Jay B.

      EUREKA! I just had a thought for an idea!

    • Objectifer

      “Right now it’s only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.”

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Metaspeaker of the House

    • Doug Langley

      So he’s metastatic?

  • Paperless Tiger

    I kind of like your current agenda — don’t do anything ever. Just go do it somewhere else besides Congress so we can have a functional government for a change.

  • chascates

    The Party of Ideas such as segregation, tax avoidance, and continual resource wars.

    • SullivanSt

      Is brown people a resource?

      Oh yeah, I remember a couple hundred years ago people like these did in fact go to war against the United States to protect their interest in that particular resource.

  • Jay B.

    I’m going to go out on a limb here and predict that #ideas will include tax cuts for the wealthy, tax-payer giveaways to big businesses and the shredding of the social safety net. I’M A GODDAMN REPUBLICAN VISIONARY. It’s like being an oracle. #imsmartnotdumbliketheysay

    • chicken thief

      Needs a renewed energy to repeal Obamacare and also too to defund Planned Parenthood.

      • Jay B.

        DAMMIT. You are totally right of course. HOW DO YOU DO IT? #geniusofideas

        • chicken thief

          I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night.

          • proudgrampa

            Now THAT was funny!!!

      • HobbesEvilTwin

        you totally forgot about defunding Acorn. Why do you hate America?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        We’re still defunding ACORN, right?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Man, you’re a genius like Fredo Corleone!

      • Jay B.

        Like I always say, you can either give a man a fish and he’ll have one fish or you can teach a man to fish and after you get whacked, that kid will never go on a boat again.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    P90X boy

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    You’ll never restore America to its former condition with new ideas. What your constituents demand, sir, is very old ideas.

  • kindness

    Well Ryan my boy, it’s all over except the weeping. Look up Boehner for pointers on that one.

  • SullivanSt

    speak truth to power

    You’re the fucking second in line to the goddamned presidency of the United motherfucking States of America, you driveling moron.

    You ARE power, and most emphatically not speaking truth.

    • proudgrampa

      “You’re the fucking second in line to the goddamned presidency of the United motherfucking States of America, you driveling moron.”
      If anything keeps me awake at night, it’s this.

  • If I took the GOP’s approach to Obamacare, then every home improvement project I undertook would begin with demolishing my house, then sitting down and deciding what to do next.

    • SullivanSt

      Also, each and every one would be abandoned long before reaching the “deciding what to do” part.

      • I’m sure the invisible hand of the free market will build me a much better house if I just wait long enough.

    • SDGeoff

      Good one.

    • MrBlobfish

      You would also need to set the rubble afire, then dynamite the smoldering ashes.

      • Jonny On Maui

        Don’t forget the blame, gotta have something/one to blame…

        • Querolous

          gehys, messicans, muslins, wimmenz, interlekshuls, liebruls

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Don’t forget to give tax cuts to someone!

  • chicken thief

    “…and so willing to break those limits, test those limits, push those limits…”

    Yo, DoucheBro, ‘the limit’ is set as the limit for a reason. Anything short of the limit is under the limit, therefore is fine. So ‘pushing’ and ‘testing’ are useless bullshit hyperbole. If the limit wasn’t exceeded, then everything is good. If the limit was exceeded, name the occurrence.

    • Objectifer

      Well we are trying to create a “more perfect union.”

    • Zippy

      “test those limits, push those limits”= doing things we don’t like

  • chicken thief

    Never fear – Young Gun Numero Uno will start walking that shit back once the Gang of 40 Goofuses sit his ass down and have a chat with him.

  • vivian

    Why do I get the feeling that the GOP learned everything they know about politics by playing Whack-a-mole?

  • Zippy

    It truly is amazing to watch an entire political party run on nothing but “We hate the other guy”

    • SullivanSt

      Especially with how often “the other guy” is one of them.

    • chicken thief

      “WE PRETEND TO HATE EVERYTHING HE DOES SO WE’RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING!!11!”

  • Joshua Norton

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    His #ideas should be about as interesting as Anne Elk’s #theory

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6zWjUhfj-M

    • bozilingus

      Deja vu!

  • vivian

    News flash: Speaker Ryan Discovers Ideas!
    Speaker of the House Paul Ryan boldly declares Ideas a Thing
    Addressing no one in particular, Speaker Ryan announced today
    that he has bold plans for incorporating this newly discovered Idea thing
    into the House Agenda which had previously been filled with other
    important items of business, but apparently entirely lacking Ideas.
    Armed with his new discovery, which he likened to a lightbulb going on
    in the dim space of his nocular cavity, Ryan envisioned an entirely new
    way of governing to supplant the ad hoc Reacting to Shit and Just Saying No
    policies his party had been following for the past 7 years….etc.

  • WiscoJoe

    What’s more likely to happen:

    Republicans finally coming up with a viable alternative to Obamacare? Or Bernie Sanders getting Republicans in Congress to raise taxes in order to fund single-payer?

    If only tens of millions of people would march on Washington (guns optional), one of those two things is totally going to happen. Any day now…

  • D_C_Wilson

    I think we can almost Jess what bold new ideas Ryan will come up with:

    1) Repeal Obamacare.
    2) Cut taxes for the wealthy.
    3) Repeal Obamacare.
    4) Eliminate SNAP.
    5) Repeal Obamacare dead!
    6) Defund Planned Parenthood.
    7) Put a stake through Obamacare’s heart.
    8) Privatize Social Security
    9) Sweet Jesus, haven’t we killed Obamacare yet?
    10) More tax cuts for the wealthy.

    In other words, the exact same “ideas” Ryan has been pushing ever since the Munsters were cancelled.

    • Cismontane

      Oh they have other priorities, like repealing the Clean Air Act, the Clean Water Act, the Endangered Species Act, and dissolving the National Park Service and the Food and Drug Administration.

      • D_C_Wilson

        We’ll all be drinking Flint water soon.

        • Rick Hill

          Today, we are all ingesting lead. Ich bin toxiningestor!

        • Cismontane

          By which time, it’ll also illegal for us to test it…

  • Cismontane

    Members of the House, our priority today is to pass legislation stopping the EPA from interfering in the internal affairs of the sovereign state of Michigan. That agency is trying to prevent the governor, our very own Rick Snyder, from exercising his constitutionally protected right to provide toxic waste in lieu of drinking water to the poors. Oh, wait, the President already vetoed that one. Alright, let’s just vote to repeal Obamacare for the 63rd time instead.

  • epzik8

    Why did I think Ryan would be a better Speaker than Boehner?

    • Tobias B. Santa

      Because you’re an innocent and delicate summer child.

    • Belasaurius

      a brief moment of insanity?

    • chazmanr

      Wishful thinking?

    • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

      booze and pills

    • Rick Hill

      More lulz?

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Because you thought anybody would be better?

      • JustDon’tSayDittos

        You could be forgiven for thinking that.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Truthfully, I don’t think we know the answer to that yet. Boehner’s “ideas” mostly amounted to “yes, I would like another gin”. His real problem as a Speaker was that he couldn’t ever get anything through the House – hell, a majority of his committee chairs voted against his Farm Bill! At some point Ryan will have to slap down some of the raving nutters in his caucus if he wants any legislation to occur.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Good luck with that.

  • Logic of Color

    New Republican health care plan: Google

    • Eyeball Freckles

      WebMD

      • KenRob

        Don’t forget Yahoo Answers. =)

  • SayItWithWookies

    “Something something ideas.” Hey, it worked for Gary Hart.

  • Mavenmaven

    I’m guessing he’s unaware what “speak truth to power” actually means and where it comes from.

    • bookish

      Yeah, that made me laugh cynically, too.

    • zerosumgame0005

      *Princess Bride reference inserted*

  • w9anthimos

    He is the very model of a modern major asshole.

    • Iam Reading

      Ayup

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

    I didn’t see “kill the poors” on there. Isn’t that, like, their whole thing?

    • Eyeball Freckles

      LEAD WATER FOR ALL!!! But you freeloading dirty poors best pay for that shit

  • Incoming Ham

    He has to make an announcement to announce they are going to have some ideas. Because they are the party of ideas. They had no idea before that they were in need of ideas to actually BE the party of ideas?

    I’ve got an idea: have respect for all voters, make sure they can vote, leave the gehys and wimmin the fuck alone, make sure that there are safety nets and healthcare for all, and do your *actual* jobs.

  • YayConspiracy

    Like a dull knife just aint cuttin’
    https://youtu.be/cj-UwYgt0N4

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Miss Anne Elk needs to give him some pointers on how to do it.

    (EDIT The comments made before mine making similar comments should know that this comment is MINE and it was made by ME)

  • whitroth

    I see – he just wants to put out another Contract On America, and this time, unlike when the pansy-assed Grinch did it, there’ll be Enough Guns….

    mark

  • m3bosha

    So is this list of ideas being hidden in the same place as where Trump is hiding his yuuuggge plan to kill ISIS? And where is this magical republican vault anyway?

    • Mickey Donovan

      Why, those ideas are up where the Sun don’t shine. But fear not, the Repubtiles will soon be pulling them out like hamsters.

    • The Wanderer

      It’s sort of next to Hammerspace, sandwiched between the Place of Missing Socks and the Lair of the Legendary One-Eyed Viper.

  • Sir Ergot of Rye

    “I find it laughable that people don’t see us as the party of ideas. We’ve got got so many they’re literally coming out our ass. We’ve promised the Amurican people we will build a giant 2000 mile wall that will always be 1 foot taller than the tallest ladder, undo health care for poors, cut the oppressed 1%ers some tax relief finally, invent time machine in order to videotape Hillary slaughtering our Libyan ambassador, kill those onerous gun laws, put formerly pregnant women in prison for murder, make Jesus the official sky god, keep those damn furiners out, reeducate those poor misguided gays especially the marrieds, beef up our incredibly decrepit military. And that’s just off the top of my head. Wait till I give it some serious thought.”

  • Gleem-McShinez

    #1 Prior to commencing on the ideas, we shall begin to form the inclination to preface the origination
    #2 After beginning the inception of the first part, we shall work on creating the groundwork for the initial steps
    #3 Once we’ve kicked off the commencement, our primary focus on the genesis of the outset will begin the induction of an introduction to the incipient point of departure
    #4 This will debut our spring-off point right from the outset, which shall be the basis of setting up the beginning initial foundations

    • Iam Reading

      #5, profit

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      You’re a professional grantwriter, aren’t you.

  • Antimassacree

    Because I am a nearly Old, the first thing I think of when seeing the # symbol is “abbreviation for pound.” So Speaker Ryan: #sand

  • SadDemInTex

    Is Palin like Typhoid Mary….a carrier of a virus of stupidity and nonsense?

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Republicans only offer choices to White Anglo-Saxon Protestant male billionaires.

    • Eyeball Freckles

      Hello rich white man! Your choices today include exploiting the poor or oppressing minorities. Ah Fuck it, why not both?!?

      • Angela Ruzzo

        You left out oppressing women. Women are not legally a minority, we’re only treated like one.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Oh, and have a tax break for all your hard work.
        While you’re at it, the Koch Brothers want their knobs slobbed, and I’m a little sleepy. Mind filling in for me?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    But don’t worry. Ryan says this will be the year the GOP comes up with an alternative to Obamacare, and we’re sure it will be great.

    Now where have I heard that before?

    https://storify.com/JeffYoung/just-in-time

  • Left Coast Tom

    So, basically, his “idea” is that it’d be nice to have “ideas”?

    a weak economy

    Then please explain why commutes around here keep sucking more and more every week.

  • dshwa

    We have an agenda.

    What’s in it?

    It’s an agenda! What more do you want?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Ideas? Okay. Let’s hear them.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Republican ideas: 1) Cut taxes on the richest people who’ve ever walked the earth
    2) Piss a lot of money away on tanks the army says they don’t need or want
    3) Pretend to want to outlaw abortion, but don’t do it because you really don’t want to have to take care of all those beautiful babbies after they are borned
    4) Dislike gays and Messicans
    5) Cut healthcare for everyone

    They have plenty of ideas, it’s a shame they are all really bad ideas.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      6) Accuse the Democrats of “tax and spend” behavior. Kettle, meet pot.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I keep seeing these commercials that Pete Peterson is running. He’s a “fiscally conservative Republican.” He’s spending all this money running ads saying that interest on the national debt will be the third largest program that needs to be paid for. I’d have more respect for the guy if he would admit who ran up all that debt, and if instead of running commercials he’d work on raising the taxes of rich pricks like Pete Peterson who’ve been getting a free ride for the past 36 years. Naturally he hasn’t thought of contributing any of his $1.8 billion dollars towards paying off the debt.

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          For me “fiscally conservative” has just become a code-word for “massive hypocrite”.

          Also, is Pete Peterson Erick Erickson’s altar ego? Next time you see him on the teevee, I’d keep an eye out for fake mustaches/affected accents.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Pete Peterson is one of the billionaires who Warren Buffett got to pledge to give away half of his $1.8 billion to charity. So haranguing the rest of us over the massive debt that George W. Bush ran up, by giving tax cuts to guys like Pete Peterson, is Pete Peterson’s idea of “charity.” I’d just prefer they all fucking pay the same percentage of their income that everyone else has to pay.
            Pete never actually appears in his own commercials, and I think Erick Erickson is too stupid to accumulate $1.8 billion, so they may not be the same guy, although I will keep my eyes open for any fake moustaches/affected accents. Also, I enjoy saying “Pete Peterson.”

Previous articleWonkette Made You A Present, It Is This Game Of US America Elections: The Game!
Next articleKnow What’s Just Like ISIS? Gay Tennessee Teenagers, That’s What.