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GET THAT "SMILE" OFF YOUR FACE.
GET THAT “SMILE” OFF YOUR FACE.

Uh-oh, Cara Carleton “Carly The Liar” Fiorina has been opening her mouth again, and you know what happens when she does that. SHE LIES. Usually she’s lying about little tiny baby arms and legs writhing on tables at the Planned Parenthood. Sometimes she’s lying about whether she said a thing she clearly said about Kentucky clerk Kim Davis. Sometimes she’s lying about how she is the president of good marriages, unlike those Clintons, when Carly’s marital history is in ACTUAL FACT full of cakey extramarital jizz globs and blue dresses.

And now she has LIED ABOUT JESUS at an Iowa rally, and you know what the penalty for that is? You have to sit on Mike Huckabee’s lap in hell when you die, that’s what.

Lie number one!

I happen to be a Christian. I happen to believe that our Christian values help me as a leader, because they make me humble and empathetic and optimistic. And I think all of those qualities are vital in leadership.

Jesus makes her … HUMBLE? Like when she’s wagging her Carly-penis around about how she was the bestest CEO ever to drive Hewlett-Packard into ruin? Like when she’s beating her chest about how every Middle Eastern dictator in the entire phone book will take her calls because, like, she knows everybody, and who do you even know, Heather? Like when she brags about how she and Vladimir Putin are best frenemies, because one time he cropdusted her in the green room? If that’s “humble” Carly, we’d hate to see “pompous” Carly.

Time for lie number two! Carly was responding to an atheist concerned about all the whiny rightwing Christians who think they should have special rules that allow them to discriminate against people they don’t like, and she said this:

No one is coercing you in any way. However, many Christians are being coerced not to practice their religion. So religious liberty is under assault in this country. When our federal government is suing the Little Sisters of the Poor in the Supreme Court, denying them their ability to practice their religion, that’s a problem.

BULLSHIT, ASSHOLE.

As to the specific case she’s citing, yr Wonkette has been over it. First of all, it’s the Little Sisters of The Poor who are suing the government, not the other way around, CARLY. Second, the Little Sisters have all the liberty in the world to practice their faith, but they’re suing anyway, to get out of having to fill out a form that says “Wahhh, we don’t want to provide slut pills to employees because we think slut pills kill babies, even though we are wrong about that too.” Nobody is stopping them from all the praying and good-doing parts of their faith; they just have to sign a piece of a paper regarding health insurance they provide is all.

And as to the greater theme at play here, the idea that “religious liberty is under assault,” well, we’ve covered that enough that you know it’s bullshit too. Whether it’s Kim Davis crying about, oh god, filling out a marriage license, or all the Christian cake bakers and candlestick makers and pole smokers who don’t want to make cake for the homosexuals, the common thread is that they are all whiny buttcrack morons convinced they’re going to hell if they’re not allowed their special right to discriminate.

Those people aren’t “practicing their faith” when they act like that. They’re just being assfaces and poor excuses for Americans, which makes Jesus very, very sad.

This has been another episode of Carly Fiorina Lies About Thing.

[The Friendly Atheist]

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