SHARE
GET THAT "SMILE" OFF YOUR FACE.
GET THAT “SMILE” OFF YOUR FACE.

Uh-oh, Cara Carleton “Carly The Liar” Fiorina has been opening her mouth again, and you know what happens when she does that. SHE LIES. Usually she’s lying about little tiny baby arms and legs writhing on tables at the Planned Parenthood. Sometimes she’s lying about whether she said a thing she clearly said about Kentucky clerk Kim Davis. Sometimes she’s lying about how she is the president of good marriages, unlike those Clintons, when Carly’s marital history is in ACTUAL FACT full of cakey extramarital jizz globs and blue dresses.

And now she has LIED ABOUT JESUS at an Iowa rally, and you know what the penalty for that is? You have to sit on Mike Huckabee’s lap in hell when you die, that’s what.

Lie number one!

I happen to be a Christian. I happen to believe that our Christian values help me as a leader, because they make me humble and empathetic and optimistic. And I think all of those qualities are vital in leadership.

Jesus makes her … HUMBLE? Like when she’s wagging her Carly-penis around about how she was the bestest CEO ever to drive Hewlett-Packard into ruin? Like when she’s beating her chest about how every Middle Eastern dictator in the entire phone book will take her calls because, like, she knows everybody, and who do you even know, Heather? Like when she brags about how she and Vladimir Putin are best frenemies, because one time he cropdusted her in the green room? If that’s “humble” Carly, we’d hate to see “pompous” Carly.

Time for lie number two! Carly was responding to an atheist concerned about all the whiny rightwing Christians who think they should have special rules that allow them to discriminate against people they don’t like, and she said this:

No one is coercing you in any way. However, many Christians are being coerced not to practice their religion. So religious liberty is under assault in this country. When our federal government is suing the Little Sisters of the Poor in the Supreme Court, denying them their ability to practice their religion, that’s a problem.

BULLSHIT, ASSHOLE.

As to the specific case she’s citing, yr Wonkette has been over it. First of all, it’s the Little Sisters of The Poor who are suing the government, not the other way around, CARLY. Second, the Little Sisters have all the liberty in the world to practice their faith, but they’re suing anyway, to get out of having to fill out a form that says “Wahhh, we don’t want to provide slut pills to employees because we think slut pills kill babies, even though we are wrong about that too.” Nobody is stopping them from all the praying and good-doing parts of their faith; they just have to sign a piece of a paper regarding health insurance they provide is all.

And as to the greater theme at play here, the idea that “religious liberty is under assault,” well, we’ve covered that enough that you know it’s bullshit too. Whether it’s Kim Davis crying about, oh god, filling out a marriage license, or all the Christian cake bakers and candlestick makers and pole smokers who don’t want to make cake for the homosexuals, the common thread is that they are all whiny buttcrack morons convinced they’re going to hell if they’re not allowed their special right to discriminate.

Those people aren’t “practicing their faith” when they act like that. They’re just being assfaces and poor excuses for Americans, which makes Jesus very, very sad.

This has been another episode of Carly Fiorina Lies About Thing.

[The Friendly Atheist]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • tihond

    “Jesus thinks I did a great job at HP.”

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Nobody wants to stop anyone from practicing their religion. We just want to stop them from forcing the rest of us from practicing it.

    • FauxAntocles

      All the upvotes!

    • But if I can’t force you to practice my religion of love, then my God will get angry and smitey and kill us all…

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Probably, but it’s a risk I am willing to take.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I think I’ve met your God. He’s a Freeper commenter, right?

        • coozledad

          And the lord said, if thine enemy permits oil to go below eighty dollars a barrel, then thine entire petrodollar portfolio will wither like a cock at the cave of the bitter woman.

          • Me not sure

            Thus endeth the lesson.

          • NanBullenshede

            Amen.

    • arglebargle

      Fine, but don’t blame them when you get swept away in the next tornado, or hurricane, or whatever god sends your way.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Deal.

      • Whale Chowder

        With God’s aim? Pffft!

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      To be fair, I do want them to stop practicing their shitty religion. I, however, know that’s none of my business, and none of the gov’t’s neither, too.

  • JustPixelz

    This has been another episode of Carly Fiorina Lies About Thing.

    Like most telenovelas, it will have 170 episodes.

  • Come here a minute

    What, doesn’t your bibble have the commandment about “thou shalt not health insurance blah blah blah etc.”?

  • JustPixelz

    “So religious liberty is under assault in this country.”

    Exactly! Freedom from religion is under assault.

  • Help! Help! I’m being repressed! By… someone, I’m sure… I don’t see anyone blocking the doors to my church or smacking the bible out of my hand or going, “LALALALALALALALAALA!” when I try to pray, but I’m sure someone, somewhere is repressing me.

  • Lizzietish81

    It took her this long to realize she had to suck the dick of Religious Persecution to get the GOP nod?

    Loser.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Well, she had a pile of other people in front of her in line that she had to knock off the peen.

  • JustPixelz

    If that’s “humble” Carly, we’d hate to see “pompous” Carly.

    Let’s agree to hate to see either Carlys.

    • Lochspring

      Nah, I’d like to see other Carlys, like Arctic Adventure Carly, or Lunar Lander Carly, or Planet Nine Probe Carly. Especially that last one, complete with rocketpack and wibbly-wobbly guidance system. Oops, look, you landed in the Kuiper belt….ah well. Next?

    • Whale Chowder

      They look remarkably alike, given the amount of long chain polymer holding her persona together.

  • arglebargle

    Dear Carly,

    Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

    Wait. Scratch that. Jesus thinks you’re an asshole, everyone else thinks you’re a fucking asshole.

    Eat shit and bark at the moon loser.

    • Pinkham’s Law

      Nono ; Jesus loves you, even though (being Omniscient) he KNOWS you’re an asshole.

      • arglebargle

        Well, God created her as an asshole, so he might love her, at least until he casts her into the eternal pit of fire and brimstone.

  • Spotts1701
  • coozledad

    And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7 And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many “words”. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      That has nothing about hating gays in it, so I decide that part of the bible is not applicable to me.

      • DahBoner

        Decisions…

    • David Roosa

      I that from two Corinthians ? or is it Corinthians , Jr.?

    • Tallmutha

      Are those scarequotes around “words” in the original? Did Jesus predict Sarah Palin here?

      • coozledad

        I’m trying out the Wonkette stylebook of exegesis.

        • NanBullenshede

          The Booke of Exegesis weighs down mine Hearte for the poore egesis driven from their Parentheses.

          • thenearesthippie

            And lo, they went forth unto the land of the Ellipses . . . where they were sorely tried . . . unto the last of them.

  • cousin itt

    Carly “happens” to be a Christian. Is that like someone who happens to be Muslim or gay?

    • PubOption

      I thought that she was a papist, so not a Christian by the standards of those that loudly proclaim themselves Christian.

  • deanbooth

    Mike Huckabee has a lap?

    • arglebargle

      A greasy, gravy covered lap with a teeny tiny pup tent for Kim Davis.

      • MrBlobfish

        Blech. For a second, I pictured a Kim lap dance.

        • chicken thief

          Mmmm, shakin that ass, glistening with prison sweat…. !!!

  • Playonwords

    I just wish Jesus wanted her for a sunbeam

    • coozledad

      This wine is my blood. Drink of me. This bread was me, but the toaster oven sucks ass. Give it to the dog, I guess.

  • MrBlobfish

    Fuck that guy.

    • Bren

      Which Guy, the one in the blue dress? He’s one of them Transvestibules.

  • DahBoner

    our Christian values help me as a leader, because they make me humble and empathetic and optimistic.
    https://media4.giphy.com/media/4JH4gxVHw4J8s/200w_d.gif

  • BearGHAZI

    Fuck I can’t even wait for tomorrow’s episode

  • Lefty Frizzell

    My biggest weakness is that I’m just too good for you peasants.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Each class would have preached the importance of those virtues, for whose exercise there was no necessity in their own lives. The rich would have spoken on the value of thrift, and the idle grown eloquent over the dignity of labor.

  • Playonwords

    Oh, Yeah.

    Jesus doesn’t help with your temper, does he iCarly

  • stankbait

    I could see a person named Jesus read and comment on Wonkette, watch FreeSpeech TV, throw shit balls at FOX, Limbaugh, and O’Reiley, He would kick a lot of Red Team ass It would be that deliver us from evil deal we all heard about.

    • AnOuthouse

      He also mows a mean lawn.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    ….Carly: I happen to be a Christian, as a matter of fact I was burned at the stake TWICE!

    • nightmoth

      Y’know—I particularly dislike that smug little “happen to be.” Even the poor addled evangelicals who live next door to me have more integrity whenever they state “I was saved by the blood of Jesus!” At least they really, really believe it. Carly, not so much.

  • elviouslyqueer

  • ManchuCandidate

    iCarly and the 10 Commandments

    1) Thou shalt not have any gods before me.
    -Power, Money, and Power. So yes.

    2) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image
    -Demon Sheep. iCarly propaganda Yes

    3) Thou shalt not take the lord’s name in vain
    -every time an HP employee or shareholder thinks about her reign of error “GODDAMNIT!” or “JEEBUS!!!!!” Indirectly, yes.

    4) Remember the Sabbath and Keep it Holy
    5) Honor thy father and thy mother
    6) Thou shalt not kill
    -she probably wanted to kill the Packards. And she nearly killed HP. Not sure if that counts. She did kill a lot of jobs. So yes.

    7) Thou shalt not commit adultry
    – Definitely.

    8) Thou shalt not steal
    -based on her performance, her HP pay pretty much. So yes.

    9) Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor

    -her entire campaign. Definitely.

    10) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s husband
    -Hahahahaha

  • Pinkham’s Law

    A Republican told a couple of easily disproven lies? *yawn* The sun also rises in the east.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Keep on lying, Carly, and your nose is gonna grow so long that no amount of Botox and plastic surgery can fix it.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Is she still running for the GOP nomination? Why?

    • crunchyknee

      It is a pretty easy gig?

      • beatbort

        And there’s no end to the idiots who will send you money? For free?

    • elviouslyqueer

      My money’s on a latent lesbian fixation with Hillary.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      She’s too humble, empathetic and optimistic to quit, obvs

    • Nounverb911

      Her husband wanted her to get out of the house more often?

    • DahBoner
      • nightmoth

        Sweet. That reminds me of my Great Pyrenees who used to climb onto my lap whenever I sat on the couch.

  • crunchyknee

    I, also too, remember that Jesusy bible verse from Two Corinithians that says something about outsourcing jobs for freedom, Carly.

    • Nounverb911

      Two Corinthians walk into the HP boardroom….

      • Msgr_Moment

        …One walks out?

      • coozledad

        One says to the other “I don’t know who’s dicked the company over worse, Fiorino or that evangelist shithead some genius shuffled into human resources”.

      • calliecallie

        Does the boardroom have leather chairs?

  • MrBlobfish

    “Jizz Globs and Blue Dresses” is the name of my new Bro-country song.

    • I know, right???

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Jizz Globs…
      And Blue Dresses
      Are all that I have left of you
      I think about the times we had
      And can’t help from feelin’ bad
      When I remember you weren’t true

  • Oblios_Cap

    It would nice if see what this buffoon’s picture would look like if she were like Dorian Gray and had her soul (or what passes for one) trapped in a painting.

    • Tallmutha

      Roughly like one of those “Divorced for being too old, see her revenge makeover” clickbaity pictures.

  • Jeamonn

    To borrow from Woody Allen: If Jesus came back and met Fiorina he would never stop throwing up.

  • geoffalnutt

    Whatever.

  • WhoDat

    I hate that she shares a name with my adorable cousin.

    • Nounverb911

      Your cousin’s running for president?

    • FlownOver

      You have an adorable cousin named Laminated Turd? Must be fun singing the birthday song.

    • AnOuthouse

      You’re related to Carly Simon?

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    How dare you Wonkette!!! I happened to have worked under Carly at HP and every day after she showed up we spent most of the day praying for business!!!!

    • Damian L

      …..worked under Carly,I shudder at the thought

      • FlownOver

        Cowgirl up! [Boner gone.]

    • jmk

      The oldest of my brothers works on her campaign. That’s made even such hardened atheists as myself and my little brother pray for him.

  • dslindc

    Perhaps when her campaign finally crumbles for good, she could start new blog to pass the time: I Have Lied About a Thing Dot Com.

    • FlownOver

      In eight years she can endorse Martin Shkreli for POTUS. Or maybe Kirby Delauter if he allows his name to be used in his campaign.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Because there’s nothing that says humility like running for higher office again and again, even though you get stomped each time.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Stupidity?

    • Nounverb911

      Insanity?

    • Duke

      Provides a good income along with the ego strokes.

  • calliecallie
    • doktorzoom

      God help me, I have to set the TiVo now. professional responsibility and all that

      • chicken thief

        Put a condom on the cable box – it’s going to be explosive!

  • borninatrailer

    Just saw my first Vermin Supreme pic with a national news article. It is now officially election season.

  • Lizzietish81

    Empathetic, which is why she laid off 30 k employees and then didn’t pay one of her staffers after he died on her

    • Sgt. Gym Bunny

      Well, he went to go hang with Jesus, what does he need money for?????

    • AnOuthouse

      You can’t take it with you.

  • Fiorina would lie about her pants being on fire.

  • Brewerofbeers

    Who are ya gonna believe? Me or your Carlying eyes?

    Every. Time.

    • doktorzoom

      There ain’t no way to hide them, I’ve been informed.

      • Brewerofbeers

        Aww, RIP Glenn Frey.

  • Pickwicknext

    I really wish slut pills were for real. And am REALLY surprised they didn’t get developed with Viagra

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Slut pills are called roofies, bro.

      • natoslug

        Dammit! I was hoping they’d be like those dehydrated dinosaur eggs. Just drop it in water, and a few hours later you have a life-sized slut of your preferred gender.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          Oh, that’s the old brine shrimp rip off. Don’t you watch South Park?

          • natoslug

            Only occasionally. My wife rarely lets me watch cartoons these days.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            Women!

          • natoslug

            Stop watching cartoons! Pick your clothes up off the floor! Don’t pee in the kitchen sink! Some days I feel like I can’t do anything right.

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            That’s why I mostly stay my basement apartment for which I pay $30 a month and smoke dope.

        • Relativicus

          They were close to production for that but every time it was tested on conservative males, they kept getting adult women. So, it was back to the drawing board.

      • Pickwicknext

        I is a lady. Just looking for that confidence that a guarenteed to be hard dick seems give give the boys. Alcohol makes me too pukey/ hungover anymore.

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    A failed trades-woman. How charmed we would all be to meet her I’m very sure.

  • Joe Beese

    “I happen to be a Christian.”

    Now that’s a lie right there. She doesn’t happen to be. She thinks it very important that you know it.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I have a feeling I would have guessed it on my own, but it’s good of her remind us. If only other politicians were so respectful of their fellow sinners.

  • natoslug

    If she’d stop lying, she wouldn’t end up covered in so many jizz globs. Stand up and run, Carly! And maybe stay out of the Craigslist Casual Encounters.

  • Bren

    Please Wonkette don’t make me watch that video clip. There’s only so many times a man can see Carly DeVille holding a microphone as if she’s going to give it some serious head.

    • natoslug

      In her case, I assume that involves unhinging her jaw and swallowing her prey whole.

    • Bren

      It makes me want to:

  • nightmoth

    I have vital leadership qualities!
    I’m humble.
    –does.not.compute.–

  • Randy Riddle

    Carly is Christian?

    In that same special way that Donald Trump is Christian?

    • natoslug

      In the same special way a Jesus Lizard is Christian.

      • Pickwicknext

        I prefer the Lust Lizard. Or Steve as he prefers to be called

        • natoslug

          She left him in Melancholy Cove.

          • Pickwicknext

            I love you. Or so my Narrator tells me.

          • natoslug

            Moore needs to come out with a new book, damn him! I’ve had to switch to Tolstoy and Tim Dorsey while I wait.

          • Pickwicknext

            Have you read Serpent of Venice? And i think there is a sequel to “A Dirty Job” out now

          • natoslug

            I read them both, then let them loose upstairs in the post-apocalyptic wasteland known as the kids’ level, where they were either read again or eaten. I won’t ever know which, as there is no way I am going upstairs until the last of the spawn has fled the nest and I can afford to have a hazmat team accompany me to deal with whatever remains up there.

          • Pickwicknext

            Ah…thank you further validating my child free choices!

          • natoslug

            One of them, in theory, will make it big in this world and take care of us in our dotage. Or track us down so they can move into our new place after we burn the current house to the ground and move without giving a forwarding address the moment the last one leaves home.

          • Pickwicknext

            Well, at least you and SO natoslug have contingency plans!

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            I’ve taken to correcting the errors in the Principia Mathematica.

        • Vecciojohn LLC

          I call mine Ole Sleepin’ Jesus.

    • nightmoth

      Wonkette coined a good term for this—-christianist.

      • LesBontemps

        More like Christian-ish. Because not actually Christian.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Too hard to say. Christer was popular at one time, as my old Canadian nanny taught me.

  • beatbort

    So, if I want to sue Hewlett-Packard for selling shitty products, then the reality of the situation (at least in Carly’s hallucinating mind) is that Hewlett-Packard is actually suing ME for being stupid enough to buy one of their fucking printers?

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Caveat suckor.

    • georgiaburning

      You should have read those two pages of very tiny print in the front of the instruction manual.

  • cousin itt

    What a surprise.

    Carly Fiorina has been accused of “ambushing” a group of children, after she ushered pre-schoolers, who were on a field trip to a botanical garden, into an anti-abortion rally in Des Moines. http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/21/carly-fiorina-accused-of-ambushing-children-for-anti-abortion-rally

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      I have candy at my house, kiddies.

    • Joe Beese

      I’m surprised that a child’s natural instinct about creepy strangers wouldn’t dissuade them from following Carly Fiorina anywhere.

    • chicken thief

      Back of the line, kids! I got dibs on the baby parts.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Now chicken, you need to learn to share with the others. Bad chicken thief!

        • chicken thief

          What part of “dibs 2016!11!!” don’t them little snots understand?!

          • Vecciojohn LLC

            And then I made the little fucker sing I’m a little piggy.

    • AnOuthouse

      STRANGER DANGER!!!!11!!

    • OneWhiteWhisker

      Once they’ve actually vacated the womb, apparently you can do whatever the hell you want with them. Rumour has it Ted Cruz straps them to his feet as snowshoes whenever he visits the frosty homeland.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      wtf. that is so wrong on so many levels

  • beatbort

    If Carly is a Christian, I am a little sister of the poor.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      “And I am Marie of Rumania.”

      • natoslug

        And I am a newt! Hopefully I’ll get better.

        • LesBontemps

          Not if it was Carly that did it. I understand she weighs the same as a duck.

    • Pickwicknext

      And I am Mother Teresa

  • Vecciojohn LLC

    THE TRUTH?! You want THE TRUTH!?!?!!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No truth handler, you!!!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      I can’t HANDLE the truth…or another fucking GOP fucktwit in the Black House.*
      *Note, I’ve renamed the White House because it’s been emblackened. I wish I could vote for Obama a third time.

      • Vecciojohn LLC

        Draft Michelle!

        • Vegan and Tiara

          I would TOTALLY vote for her! I wish someone had thought of that.

  • Boscoe

    I still want to know exactly where in the Bible it says you’re committing a sin if you feed a homosexxican or rubberstamp their legal document. Also too, if we’re going to be ACCURATE, none of this even applies to lezbimericans because the Bible is very, VERY specific about the men laying with the men.

    I’m fine with religious freedoms, but the bar needs to be set much, MUCH higher than letting people make up whatever they feel like because they claim to be religious or heard some dickwad on the talk radio say it so it must be true.

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I wish I belonged to an oppressed minority, so Presidential candidates would pander to me.

    • zerosumgame0005

      just fake it like Carly does, you’ll have Cruz sniffing your undies in no time!

    • Mary Sandoras

      Don’t feel bad, us girls aren’t feeling the love either.

    • natoslug

      Things are tough all over for us middle-aged, middle-class white males! Where’s my Presidential Panda?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Have you even seen a Republican debate?

  • chicken thief

    If MLK, Jr was alive today he’d voucher for Carly’s truthiness and as a preacher man, for her lerve of all things Jesusy.

  • AnOuthouse

    When Hillary wins, she should hire Wonkette to rewrite all federal forms and applications.

    • Vecciojohn LLC

      Hey, sounds like the perfect job for me! Can I be Secretary of Writing Stuff?

      http://www.panarchy.org/dickens/circumlocution.html

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I wanna be Secretary of kitties, myself.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I want to be Secretary of Guy Who Loses His Temper Around Daesh and Dominionists.

  • beatbort

    Oh how I wish the moderator had responded to Carly’s “I happen to be a Christian” with “And I happen to be a Jew but that is neither here nor there.”

    • Paperless Tiger

      Let’s elect a Jew president just to see if they’ll shut the fuck up about Christian nation for a minute.

  • Relativicus

    Okay, so here’s the thing: the thing is, Carly’s entire role in this primary season was to negate Hitlery Killfoster’s vagina and woman-related mouthiness. This was from the before-times whence Sec’y Killfoster was running unchallenged. Nobody expected Carly to be the nominee, it’s apparent that nobody wants her to be the nominee, but it was nice to have a va jay jay around to prove that 99.7% of Republicans aren’t male, elderly, white, and greasy (heh, I added the part about them being elderly). But Hitlery ended up in her own primary fight, the GOP fight got real crowded real fast, and the opportunities to rock Hitlery’s scissors never really materialized. So, what the fuck is Carly Carly Pants on Farley (ohhhhh, Chris Farley… sadface) still doing in this race? That’s the thing. The thing I want to know.

    • Sgt. Gym Bunny

      The Face-Saving Pride is a motherfucker with all of these GOP creeps.

      You’d think bowing out would be as easy as simply claiming health or family issues. Or just saying “Fuck you all, your Beltway Establishment RINOs! You don’t deserve my fabulous leadership!!!” Either would work, right?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I figure the longer they can hold on, the bigger the future grift potential.

  • Mavenmaven

    The good news is that soon enough we won’t have to hear from her at all.

    • LesBontemps

      Not soon enough.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Unless she’s Cruz’s running mate. Dick/Lady Dick 2016!

  • ThirdAmendmentMan

    Christians seem to be of the opinion that they’re being oppressed when they aren’t allowed to oppress others.

    No fuckheads thats not how this works.

    • Ricky Gay

      xtians can only do one thing at a time. right now that thing is being stupid. so you can see their problem…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Tell that to the Puritans. I worked for them at first. Then they got some actual Jesus and turned into the Congregationalists.

  • chicken thief

    She mentioned the Supreme Court without noting “5 unelected judges” and never mentioned Obama by name at all. No wonder she’s losing….

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Well, that, and also that everyone hates her face and her shrill hyperbole, too.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      BTW- has anyone thanked Obama for the blizzard yet?

      • Sarah E. Grove

        Hell no, not yet. However, they have thanked him for turning Sarah Palin’s son into the girlfriend-beater, schoolbus brake line cutter that he is today. It’s all Obama’s fault!

  • chicken thief

    I like those boots.

    ~ Marco “I Stay Thirsty, My Friend” Rubio

  • Steverino247

    “Nobody is stopping them from all the praying and good-doing parts of their faith…”

    Nobody is stopping them from the bad-doing parts, either.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      That is a problem, really. In olden days, their pastors would be stopping them from doing the bad things by preaching about how doing that bad shit would send them to hell.
      These days, the pastors are often the ones telling them directly to go do the bad things

      • Villago Delenda Est

        For example, “If you’re rich, you can fit through the eye of a needle, because it’s this gate in Jerusalem that camels can’t get through, but you can!”

        • Toomush_Infer

          You used to have to carry a lot of sheep around – now you can just carry your credit card. Needles are much less of an obstacle…

          • Sarah E. Grove

            God must have installed a credit card chip reader at the Pearly Gates for these people. They actually DO think they can buy their way into eternal bliss.

  • MrBlobfish

    Liar Liar
    Pantsuit on fire

  • AntiDerpomeme

    I sincerely doubt that iCarly believes in any religious doctrine. Because if she did, she’d know she was doomed to an eternity of burning in Hell for all of her lying and falsehoods, particularly in the name of Christianity. She’s a giant hypocrite. Is anybody still buying her crap?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      She’s jealous of Marco Rubio’s pandering, and she’s trying to top him.

    • eddi

      Actual believers have no clue what they actually believe for the most part. Whatever the preachers and their parents told them is all they have. Much safer for everybody. Except the people they don’t like.

  • Shibusa

    Hey Carly! You should savior best Jesus lies for election day!

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Why? She’s gonna get crucified anyway.

  • chimichanga

    Hmmm…Bragging about being humble. Man if Jesus did come back and hasn’t changed his philosophy, he’d fucking hate these bags of vinegar and water.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      She thinks she’s humble! There’s now way she can match my humility. I have a PhD in Humility from Johns Hopkins! I once won the “Most Humble Man in America” contest and have the trophy to prove it. I’m so humble sometimes I forget my own name. Take that Carly.

  • azeyote

    the truth hurts to much, and she’s soooooo sensitive – don’t make her cry you meenies –

  • Angela Ruzzo

    Carly seems to be obsessed about dead baby parts. This makes me suspicious. You know how converts can be much more fanatic than people who were raised in a religion? You know how ex-smokers can be more militant about anti-smoking than people who never smoked? It crossed my mind to wonder if Carly maybe had an abortion a long time ago, and it’s a deep dark scary secret that twisted her already-too-small brain.

    • SDGeoff

      Perhaps her mother had one. Or else, maybe she’s decided that A Great Female Thing to do for her desired base would be to harp on the abortion so she can get VP with that hideous Canadian. Pandering, ya know?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Perhaps her mom kept saying she shoulda had one…

        • theblackdog

          Her mom was the airport announcer in Airplane!

        • SDGeoff

          I wasn’t going to venture there, but since you suggest it…

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

    Has anyone else noticed that she’s working with quite a rack there.

    • Ducksworthy

      Rack of what? Baby back ribs?

    • thewitchqueen74

      I can’t get past her face.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Hey guys, my fake face is up here. Stop staring at my fake boobs.” – Carly “Humble as Fuck” Fiorina

  • proudgrampa

    Lying Liars Gotta Lie.

  • Toomush_Infer

    “If it’s a humble fight she wants, it’s a humble fight she’ll get!”

    -Donald Trump
    -Ted (Hey! My name shoulda been first!”) Cruz

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    Why does the right believe that enforcing the separation of church and state is Christian discrimination? Seriously. I mean, we’ve fought this battle so many times in the past that they should have learned by ….oh, right. Never mind.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It’s just that American Evangelicals watch a lot of TV and have gotten really good at willing suspension of disbelief…

      • Sarah E. Grove

        You mean they watch a WHOLE lot of the Honorary Josef Goebbels Propaganda Channel, so that the imaginary world in their minds absolves them of any responsibility for being jackasses.

  • Empy

    Your right to practice your religion ends where it starts infringing on the basic rights of other beings.

    Recent Salon article sums up the whole ‘religious liberty = Christian Theocracy” argument rather well. http://www.salon.com/2016/01/16/this_is_the_religious_rights_radical_new_plan_the_very_real_efforts_to_create_an_american_theocracy_in_plain_sight

  • theblackdog

    Sitting in Mike Huckabee’s lap? Doubt she would feel much.

    • wavicles

      Like a rolley-polley beanbag.

      • Sarah E. Grove

        Well, I dunno. There might be a little nub she’d feel on her butt, sitting on Junkabee’s lap. You know, the guy wants to look at naked women in high school locker rooms, so he probably has a stash of Viagra handy at all times.

  • smitallica

    My question is, what are these “slut pills” and are they available over the counter?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bill Cosby probably knows.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Ok. So she is a bit of a hypocrite and tends to exaggerate when it comes to matters of religious beliefs. A sin but not one of the big damned for eternity to burn in hell deals. But what about this thing “…when Carly’s marital history is in ACTUAL FACT full of cakey extramarital jizz globs and blue dresses…”?

    • Lambsendbeds

      She was having an affair with her second husband while still married to her first husband. He might still have been married to HIS previous spouse at the time as well.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ♫ Can you make a humble pie?
    Carly F., Carly F.?
    Can you make a humble pie,
    Charmless Carly?
    “I can make a humble pie,
    No one’s modester than I.”
    She’s a harpy,
    And cannot leave off lying. ♫

  • psychobroad

    If

  • psychobroad

    If Carly Fiorina is a Christian then I am the incomparable Maggie Smith. (Hint, I am not the incomparable Maggie Smith!)

  • Sarah E. Grove

    Gosh Darn! This is the only site I can actually read and belly laugh at how nutty these fruitcakes in the Republican party really are. THANK YOU, Wonkette, for telling the truth about these buttholes!

Previous articleAmerican Hero Heads To Prison For Threatening To Kill Muslims Because Fox News Told Him To
Next articleCarly Fiorina Steals Some Pre-Schoolers For Pro-Life Photo-Op