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The Missouri legislature in session.
The Missouri legislature in session.

The Missouri legislature has, shall we say, Sexxx Issues. This is a place where elected officials walk into the state house as functioning human adults, but once inside turn into violently throbbing jizz spigots unable to do anything besides giggle like teenagers while they spray wet spots all over the hallowed halls of government. They are pretty sure Missouri’s called the “Show Me” state, because “I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours” is too long to fit on the state seal.

With that in mind, let’s look at a new bill introduced by Republican state Rep. Bart Korman, which would define the sacred sex treats lobbyists give to lawmakers as “gifts”:

For purposes of subdivision (2) of this subsection, the term ‘gift’ shall include sexual relations between a registered lobbyist and a member of the general assembly or his or her staff. Relations between married persons or between persons who entered into a relationship prior to the registration of the lobbyist, the election of the member to the general assembly, or the employment of the staff person shall not be reportable under this subdivision.

Look, yr Wonkette is no ignoramus. We know that when nubile young thing Republican legislators in a place as cosmopolitan as Jefferson City get together with hot stud Missouri industry lobbyists, there’s gonna be fuckin’. But is this SO widespread that it requires an actual law to keep up with things? Is it SO common for Missouri constituents to worry that Rep. Carl got the Big D from the the fake Jesus Mickey Mouse lobbyist from Branson, so you just KNOW they’re gettin’ a new theme park, but the lobbyist from Anheuser-Busch rolled her eyes while she was fingering Rep. Brenda, so she’s obviously not going to vote for the new tax breaks for Big Beer? Is this a thing, Missouri? Are your dicks so wet and fickle that you need some serious transparency in this department?

Which leads to our logistical questions. How are these receipts going to work? Will Joe Schmo be able to search a database on the Missouri state website, to get an itemized list of which hot hard boning acts his state representative did with which lobbyists? And how to put a value on such a pure, beautiful act as state lawmaker/lobbyist coitus? Will Rep. Brenda’s fingerbang be a $10 gift, but Rep. Carl’s Branson Theme Park Prostate Pounding be like $100? And who decides the monetary values? Will the invisible, latex-gloved hand of the free market be in charge, or will there be regulations? Haha just kidding, you can’t put a price on love:

The reporting of sexual relations for purposes of this subdivision shall not require a dollar valuation.

Last year, Republican Missouri state representatives attempted to tackle the tents in their pants by advancing a dress code that would keep the moist, glistening, beautiful interns of Missouri state government dressed appropriately, by God, because if their clothes are too sexy, Missouri government will just have to be canceled due to how all elected officials are currently balls deep in some young thing or another. Meanwhile, former Missouri House Speaker John Diehl had to resign because he simply COULD NOT STOP sexting with one of those very interns.

And now we learn the lobbyists are ALSO too sexy to not immediately have sex with RIGHT NOW. Like we said, this place is full of Sexxx Issues. And taint herpes probably.

Jesus Christ, Missouri legislature, get it together. And take a cold shower. And try rubbing one out before you go to work at the state house. Or think of your grandmother playing baseball naked. Look, whatever you need, we don’t judge.

[The Kansas City Star]

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  • stankbait

    “Its not a big thing!” said Republican state Rep. Bart Korman. “I’ll show you!”

    • The Wanderer

      “‘Scuse me, while I whip this out.”

  • Msgr_Moment

    Looks like the Missouri lege is in bed with Big……, well Big Everything.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    May I be the first to say:

    Missouri loves company!

  • tihond

    I remember seeing Jizz Spigot open for The Cramps once. They were ok.

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      Read that as Sigmund Snopek. Still LOLLED.

      • tihond

        III

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    Give “Greasing the hand” and whole new meaning.

  • dslindc

    Sounds like they need to setup a Planned Parenthood in the statehouse.

    • tihond

      The Abortionplex offered their services, but refused to pay the lobbying price.

  • thirdeblue

    Maybe the Missouri Legislature will finally do the sensible thing and just make all the womenfolk wear chastity belts before entering the building.

    • pragmatist3

      And you’re sure that is not an existing requirement?

    • MrBlobfish

      Methinks the womenfolk could show up in potato sacks and the guys would be howling like wolves.

      • thirdeblue

        True but merely dry-humping in the Grand Foyer doesn’t violate Missouri decorum.

    • Whale Chowder

      Chix, rite?

  • tihond

    All reporting will be via photographic means.

  • arglebargle

    Literally, what the fuck?

  • tehbaddr

    You had me at “violently throbbing jizz spigots”!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Do sex dreams count? What about sex daydreams?

  • pragmatist3

    “The reporting of sexual relations for purposes of this subdivision shall not require a dollar valuation.”
    No ratings??? WTF.
    How’s a legislator supposed to know which lobbyists are worth boning?
    Isn’t that the point of the whole thing?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      No dollar value, but the five star rating scale remains in effect.

    • tihond

      Yelp reviews.

      • onedollarjuana

        If sex makes you yelp you’re doing it wrong.

        • Major_Major_Major

          Unless you like that sort of thing…

    • Mavenmaven

      Once they cross a certain age, anything that moves and agrees is worth boning.

      • pragmatist3

        “Moves” is optional.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Whore Diamond libelz!

  • MrBlobfish

    Jaws Dropped When She Showed Up To Prom Congress

  • coozledad

    think of your grandmother playing baseball naked

    Won’t help. The Missouri legislature’s annual shirts and skins softball tournament is sponsored by Parke-Davis’ new chlamydia wing.

  • drbloor

    “Branson Theme Park Prostate Pounding”

    The lines for that ride would be interminably long.

    • Well, if all the people in line would just stop using a wide stance, you could shorten the line pretty quickly.

  • thirdeblue

    YOUR MOVE TEXAS

    • onedollarjuana

      Tejas already trumped MO with the new “open carry” law.

    • tihond

      Texas responds by letting legislators take lobbyists as concubines.

      • therblig

        Kansas legislators respond by having cutting funding for literacy programs and having sex with porcupines.

    • BadKitty904

      Florida heaves a quiet sigh of relief…

      • Pickwicknext

        Just like when they pass their drug tests before getting their disability cheques?

        ETA: fuck Rick Scott….probably with votes

        • “ETA: fuck Rick Scott….probably with votes”

          Well that (apparently) is the job of a lobbyist.

    • Nockular cavity

      Feh. Don’t tell the Texas lege about Prima Noctae (or however you spell it); they’ll make it a requirement for the Poors.

    • blondeiq

      Arkansas wants in on the action. Figuratively, of course.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    If a legislator is out of the proper forms, the required data can be reported on the wall of the nearest restroom.

  • drbloor

    Bah. More regulatory red tape getting in the way of the latex-gloved hand of the free market.

  • azeyote

    they all just want the data base – it’s easier that way –

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Why do I think that a few of these reports from the more socially awkward reps will involve lobbyists who live in Canada, and they only see each other when the legislature is on break.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    So … prostitution is legal in Missouri? As long as you’re sexxing people for votes?

    • Msgr_Moment

      …and as long as no money changes hands, i.e. tit for tat.

  • JustPixelz

    “…the term ‘gift’ shall include sexual relations…”

    OT: My birthday is coming up.

    • Msgr_Moment

      OT, but what’s the proper gift for one’s 27th anniversary?

      • AntiDerpomeme

        I read on teh Intertubes that it’s the Sculpture anniversary, so maybe a nice crystal dildo? Or maybe not, if you want to get to the 28th.

        And congrats, also too.

      • Suttree

        Snorting coke off of a stripper’s ass?
        Eta: congrats!

    • Whale Chowder

      If you’re lucky, it’ll be both “up” and “coming.”

  • Count Awesome

    It needs a sexting clause added. Way to be stuck in the 20th century Missouri.

    • tihond

      “U up?” will be valued at one dollar.

  • Lizzietish81
    • Me not sure

      Wife says she find the whole thing taxing enough as it is.

  • Suttree

    Close your eyes and think of England.

    • Playonwords

      Which is why so many persons end up in Cornwall

  • Mavenmaven

    How convenient, next time a drunk state representative gets pulled over with a hooker, he can claim she was a lobbyist.

  • Spotts1701

    I’ve heard of screwing around on the taxpayer’s dime, but come on now.

  • On the plus side, if you’re assigning a monetary value (or “gift value”) for sexxing lobbyists, isn’t that called prostitution? Not that it isn’t already, on either side, but just a little more blatant. On the bright side, given the laws, both the legislators and the lobbyists can be arrested for it. Ought to clean things up in a hurry, now that I think about it.

    • chicken thief

      If sex in return for some consideration other than cash is ‘prostitution’ then I’m going to stop taking my dates to expensive restaurants. No wanna sully their good name, yo.

      • Oh,so you’re joining the abstinence movement? I think Bristol might resent your horning in on her grift.

        • chicken thief

          Oh contraire! Now it’s just MickyD’s for the little ladies. For their own good, of course.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    So Whacking Day isn’t just a Simpson’s made-up holiday then?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QOG5Q0qnAp8

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    So … are sexxxy times with lobbyists part of a “family values” program or outright bribery?

    • chicken thief

      Jes doing their job, man…. just doing their job….

  • Spurning Beer

    Maybe it’s just me, but I would pay good money to Missouri legislators and lobbyists to keep their slimy hands OFF me. A little less like prostitution, a little more like extortion.

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I live in Missouri, and I would pay good money to impeach them.

  • calliecallie

    Sign I once saw in a lobbyist’s office: “Don’t tell my mother I’m a lobbyist. She thinks I’m a piano player in a whorehouse.” So appropriate.

    • The Wanderer

      One has greater social cachet than the other, ’tis true.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Thing is, you can run a whorehouse without a piano player.

  • Beowoof14

    So when they’re not fucking their constituents, they’re fucking lobbyist. Good to know that they are always fucking someone.

    • Vecciojohn

      Your tax dollars at work.

  • BadKitty904

    “FUNCTIONING HUMAN ADULTS” LIBELZ!!1!

  • Jenny

    My son just yesterday told me that I need to prepare for his puberty. Then he said but I’m not really sure what I’ll need. First, I was confused about this random conversation, but I had to keep it together and said probably deodorant, razors, shave cream, socks, and and tissues.

    He was right confused about the last two and I said son, you’re going to play with your weiner a lot. You’ll understand it all much later.

    Now I know that I will need funding to send him to the Missouri Legislature too! This Mommy Blog is the best!

    • Lizzietish81
    • Joe Beese

      Good on you for endorsing his learning to play the pork piccolo.

      When I asked Mother Beese to buy me that Christie Brinkley calendar at Waldenbooks, she must have known that I had more in mind than knowing the date. But she got it for me with no teasing or lectures.

      Thanks, Mom.

      • Jenny

        Well he’s gonna do it anyway. No point in inducing shame about it. Just as long as he doesn’t whip it out when in front of the rest of us. Given his boyhood track record of whipping it out, I’m not sure he’ll manage that!

    • Playonwords

      Actually cocoa butter is better for shaving and other things

      • SDGeoff

        Albolene is the choice among Those Who Know.

    • proudgrampa

      “This Mommy Blog is the best!”

      I get all my news and Family Advice from Wonkette.

      • SDGeoff

        You are A Good Grampa.

        • proudgrampa

          Thank you. I truly love my proudgrandchildren and will do anything for them.

  • Metadude

    I hear it was that business with the chicken lobby that got this all started.

  • BadKitty904

    Now I’m curious about what metric the lobbyists will use to measure Return-on-Investment…

    • LegionOfDo

      Obviously babbies, since contraception is a sin.

  • Joshua Norton

    the term ‘gift’ shall include sexual relations

    Not the way some people do it.

    • Creepoman

      My sincerest apologies in advance to everyone I’m about to offend (except Megyn Kelly):

      • SDGeoff

        Where has that cigar been? Mixing cocktails?

  • BadKitty904

    From what I’ve seen of Republican state legislators, said lobbyists are earning a mighty hard dollar.

    • Joe Beese

      Rep. Nick King (R): “Perhaps we can discuss your employer’s concerns over drinks in my room at the Ramada Inn…”

      • BadKitty904

        Ew.

      • blondeiq

        Please post kitten pictures. Urgent.

      • jviscont1

        I’d fear his life insurance sales pitch.

      • The Wanderer

        Dear Hastur’s unspeakable left nard! MY EYES!

      • coozledad

        Aaaaaarrrh! Help!

      • Playonwords

        Reading on android it`s my own fault I looked. Now I’have to bleach my eyeballs

      • chicken thief

        Kids, get off the swing set right now. I’m taking you in the house and locking the doors.

        • therblig

          Your ears you keep and I’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, “Dear God! What is that thing,” will echo in your perfect ears. That is what to the pain means. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.

      • Jenny

        Holy shit! I thought for a second someone had photoshopped a dick on his face. Turns out it’s his actual face! AH! He wants records of sexy time just so he can prove to everyone else he once got sex’ed up.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I would think it was all soft money, from Republicans.

      • chicken thief

        You suggesting they’re PAC-ing?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I was actually suggesting that they can’t get it up, but you made me lol

          • chicken thief

            I know, I know…. but I desperately wanted to use ‘PAC-ing’!

        • Playonwords

          Might be a reach …

          … around

  • mailman27

    Maybe they should change it from “General Assembly” to “Congress,” know what I mean? *wink wink*

    • jmk

      *snurk snurk*

  • RoyalUglyDude

    How much does one declare for a visit from Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute?
    (Asking for a friend in the Missouri Legislature)

  • chicken thief

    They just did that so they can take credit for ‘jerb creation’.

  • The Wanderer

    Oy. I might maybe should just make a joke about “What else is there to do in Missouri on a Friday night?”, but I’ll just go take a nap.

  • chicken thief

    This will allow them to deduct the grindr accounts as a business expense.

  • Playonwords

    How well do they have to know these lobbyists? Biblically?

    How about if the Lobbyist had a previous job as a call girl/rent boy and was already involved with the Senator. Would the value the relationship with the lobbyist now be nut open to examination?

  • Angela Ruzzo

    I like the line “a place as cosmopolitan as Jefferson City.” You have clearly never been to Jefferson City. It’s “Green Acres” with 40,000 people, and that might be an insult to “Green Acres.” I am not surprised that the Legislators are fucking every lobbyist or intern they can get their hands on, because there isn’t much else to do in Jeff City.

  • jviscont1

    the Hookers and Blow lobby read the writing on the wall and moved their offices across the river to IL.

  • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

    WHAT

  • chicken thief

    Bart, if you want to know what your lobbyist wife is up to, just ask her, mkay?

  • clubseal

    Is this bill Assembly Bill 69, the “This Is How Completely Fucked Up Our Legislative Process Has Become Act”?

  • Joshua Norton

    So I guess Missouri state reps are kind of like linoleum floors. If you lay them right, you can walk on them for the next 20 years.

    *rimshot*

  • JustDon’tSayDittos

    I notice the proposal doesn’t include registering sex with animals. Does that mean Alaska is ahead of Missouri on this subject?
    Asking for a friend, as they say in the Shire.

  • “Meth still doesn’t count as a gift though, right?” -Missouri Politicians Everywhere

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Ew.

  • sosuume

    They never stop embarrassing me and my like-minded fellow Missourians. But what do you expect from a state where, along highway I-70 near “cosmopolitan” Jeff City, there was (maybe still?) a trailer park named, “Swan Lake Ballet Mobile Home Country Club.” (Not making this up). I always thought there should be a country song with the same name. I’m not musically inclined, though.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Considering how little a lot of ballet dancers are paid, they might very well have to live in mobile homes.

      • sosuume

        Well that’s certainly one way of looking at it! :D

  • Iam Reading

    Conervatives, tell us more about your moral values……

  • Thaumaturgist

    The constituents might not want to know what Rep. Carl is getting but Rep. Jim Bob wants to know if he’s not getting his . . . . . . whatever.

    • zerosumgame0005

      Rep Jim Bob just wants some Bobbin on his little Jimmy!

  • alnnc

    North Carolina is ahead of the game on this. They already have an opinion from the ethics committee and sexual favors is not reportable as a gift.

    http://www.newsobserver.com/news/politics-government/politics-columns-blogs/under-the-dome/article10866068.html

  • Zippy

    More small government in action

  • At least this lobbyist story didn’t involve “squishy eyepatchs.”

    Edited to add the link since I know y’all don’t want to rifle through the dusty cobbwebs that make up the Wonkette archives.

    http://wonkette.com/410964/vulgar-ca-assemblyman-caught-on-open-mic-bragging-about-various-affairs-with-lobbyists

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Is that an eyepatch in your panties or are you just glad to see me?

  • tehbaddr

    I remember when the “Dirty Puckerstars” opened up for “Violently Throbbing Jizz Spigots”. What a show! I think it was at the Gas Station on Ave. B.

  • SDGeoff

    What amazes me is how these rubes come up with this shit and think it’s perfectly normal.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Violently Throbbing Jizz Spigots is the name of my new garage band. Our gospel/thrash version of Pachelbel’s Canon has to be heard to be believed disbelieved. I have volunteered our demo disk to the authorities at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge for the purpose of serenading the Bundytarians. With votes, with votes!

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I…

    A…

    Nope. I got nothin’.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    And how to put a value on such a pure, beautiful act as state lawmaker/lobbyist coitus?

    I suggest dividing the total value of the government favor received by the number of hours spent in flagrante. Thus a $500 million tax break occasioned by two hours wild, uninhibited gamratting and duggaring would be reportable as a $250 million gift. Of course, if the legislator could only last to the fifteen minute mark, the gift would be valued at $500 million/.25 or a cool $2 billion.

    It seem to me the public is entitled to see both the financial and stamina information in order to decide if their elected representative is a huge public dick or a puny premature ejaculator. It’s the only fair way to make a fair assessment of bribee come election time.

    • PubOption

      If they claim more than 4 hours, will they have to see a doctor?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Yes but has to be Donald Trump’s doctor.

  • Marie Watkins Crocker

    Just think of it as another possible revenue stream.

    Right?

  • Marr

    The question is how will I have to enter it on my taxes. If the act is a shared act, such as mutual masturbation, do both parties have to file? And what if only one participant climaxes, is there a discounted rate?

    • If you reported sex as a gift twice a month, it means the lobbyist is your wife, and you can file individual or joint taxes; consult with your tax adviser for the most advantageous filing status.

  • Msgr_Moment

    So, do registered lobbyists now have to go door-to-door when they move into a new neighborhood, like all the other registered sex offenders do?

    Seems only fair.

  • VandeGraf

    Are law makers involved or has my cat been there? The litter box might be dirty again.

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