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The Missouri legislature in session.
The Missouri legislature in session.

The Missouri legislature has, shall we say, Sexxx Issues. This is a place where elected officials walk into the state house as functioning human adults, but once inside turn into violently throbbing jizz spigots unable to do anything besides giggle like teenagers while they spray wet spots all over the hallowed halls of government. They are pretty sure Missouri’s called the “Show Me” state, because “I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours” is too long to fit on the state seal.

With that in mind, let’s look at a new bill introduced by Republican state Rep. Bart Korman, which would define the sacred sex treats lobbyists give to lawmakers as “gifts”:

For purposes of subdivision (2) of this subsection, the term ‘gift’ shall include sexual relations between a registered lobbyist and a member of the general assembly or his or her staff. Relations between married persons or between persons who entered into a relationship prior to the registration of the lobbyist, the election of the member to the general assembly, or the employment of the staff person shall not be reportable under this subdivision.

Look, yr Wonkette is no ignoramus. We know that when nubile young thing Republican legislators in a place as cosmopolitan as Jefferson City get together with hot stud Missouri industry lobbyists, there’s gonna be fuckin’. But is this SO widespread that it requires an actual law to keep up with things? Is it SO common for Missouri constituents to worry that Rep. Carl got the Big D from the the fake Jesus Mickey Mouse lobbyist from Branson, so you just KNOW they’re gettin’ a new theme park, but the lobbyist from Anheuser-Busch rolled her eyes while she was fingering Rep. Brenda, so she’s obviously not going to vote for the new tax breaks for Big Beer? Is this a thing, Missouri? Are your dicks so wet and fickle that you need some serious transparency in this department?

Which leads to our logistical questions. How are these receipts going to work? Will Joe Schmo be able to search a database on the Missouri state website, to get an itemized list of which hot hard boning acts his state representative did with which lobbyists? And how to put a value on such a pure, beautiful act as state lawmaker/lobbyist coitus? Will Rep. Brenda’s fingerbang be a $10 gift, but Rep. Carl’s Branson Theme Park Prostate Pounding be like $100? And who decides the monetary values? Will the invisible, latex-gloved hand of the free market be in charge, or will there be regulations? Haha just kidding, you can’t put a price on love:

The reporting of sexual relations for purposes of this subdivision shall not require a dollar valuation.

Last year, Republican Missouri state representatives attempted to tackle the tents in their pants by advancing a dress code that would keep the moist, glistening, beautiful interns of Missouri state government dressed appropriately, by God, because if their clothes are too sexy, Missouri government will just have to be canceled due to how all elected officials are currently balls deep in some young thing or another. Meanwhile, former Missouri House Speaker John Diehl had to resign because he simply COULD NOT STOP sexting with one of those very interns.

And now we learn the lobbyists are ALSO too sexy to not immediately have sex with RIGHT NOW. Like we said, this place is full of Sexxx Issues. And taint herpes probably.

Jesus Christ, Missouri legislature, get it together. And take a cold shower. And try rubbing one out before you go to work at the state house. Or think of your grandmother playing baseball naked. Look, whatever you need, we don’t judge.

[The Kansas City Star]

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