Mike Huckabee’s river of leaking butthurt continues to flood across America. Hope you’re wearing your parka and your galoshes! He’s really upset because nobody loves him, even after he’s done SO MUCH to lick the areolas of the establishment religious right. He broke Kim Davis out of jail with nothing but his penis and some fragrant squirrel meat! He beated the Clinton machine! He hates the Syrian refugees the goodest! He promises the Supreme Court gay marriage ruling is completely illegitimate, and if he’s wrong, that means we can buy black folks again, right?
But the the religious right bigwig kingmakers, those traitorous fuckers, went and picked Ted Cruz for president, how rude. So now Huck is determined to convince the world that he never loved the religious right in the first place, which handed him Iowa in 2008, and definitely never wanted to fuck them in the religious freedom parts. And he for goddamned sure isn’t contributing his wife’s recipe for how to fry up a dog your son just murdered to the Family Research Council cookbook.
Here’s Huck, crying his heart out to noted and alleged pee enthusiast Todd Starnes:
As I’ve often said, ‘I don’t go to them, I come from them,’ but because of that I do understand them. And a lot of them, quite frankly, I think they’re scared to death that if a guy like me got elected, I would actually do what I said I would do, and that is I would focus on the personhood of every individual, we would abolish abortion based on the Fifth and 14th Amendment, we would ignore the Supreme Court’s same-sex marriage decision. And you know what the result would be?
A lot of these organizations wouldn’t have the ability to do urgent fundraising because if we slay the dragon, what dragon do they continue to fight? And so, for many of them, it could be a real detriment to their organization’s abilities to gin up their supporters and raise the contributions, and I know that sounds cynical but, Todd, it is what it is.
Huck then says these Christian groups act all “secular” when it comes to picking presidents, they don’t pray to Jesus good, and that those dumb whores would have fought on the side of Goliath during Bible Times, YA HUCKA-BURNT!
Meanwhile, Huck knows Tony Perkins and his merry band of evangelical leaders secretly love gaybortions and want to keep them around, because they are slutty Palins when it comes to donation moneys and OH HOLY SHIT, we sort of agree with Mike Huckabee, a little bit.
He is correct that the institutional religious right is cynical as fuck, and that for organizations like the Family Research Council and the American Family Association, all the donation dollars from “700 Club”-watching grandmothers who send their last Social Security food moneys and eat the butterscotch-flavored lint out of their waistcoat pockets would completely dry up if they didn’t have wingnut leaders scaring them about the homosexican Planned Parenthood baby parts menace. Hell, groups that focus solely on the now-defunct war on gay marriage, like the pathetic floppity limp dick National Organization for Marriage (NOM), are already freaking the fuck out because they ain’t got no money and might have to get real jobs.
But LOL here is where Huckabee’s brain gets stranded on the shores of Shit Canyon Creek: He thinks he could actually get elected, even though he’s polling at approximately Your Mom percent, and Iowa voters have clearly decided that this time around, their butter cow’s dairy vag is only open to either ooooh Ted Cruz or ahhhh right there Donald Trump. He is also delusional in thinking he could actually end the queers and the lady-bortions if he were president.
Haha, what a dumb fucking bumpkin fool he is. Oh well, we hate to see Huckabee losing so dramatically, just kidding no we don’t. Fuck him in the Hucka-hole with Ted Cruz’s foreign-born bacon dick.