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Bible lizard.
Bible lizard.

Whatcha doin’, Bryan Fischer? Solving science and convincing Wonkette that we have been completely wrong about this whole fundamentalist Christian thing, and just in time for the birth of Our Lord And Savior Baby Jesus, and also the afterbirth? Because you’ve done it. Upon the New Year, Wonket will be begging to make blog sex words at the American Family Association, because of what Bryan Fischer dun taught us right here:

Reptiles continue to grow until they die. So, you think about the pre-Flood earth. I mean, you got people livin’ 969 years. No reason to doubt that, ladies and gentlemen, do not doubt this book. Methuselah, 969 years he lived. So longevity obviously for all living things was much greater before the flood. So you think about a lizard, I mean here’s a lizard livin’ for 200 years, what if you had this same lizard livin’ for 1,000 years, continuing to go? You imagine the size that he would be? […]

I’m thinkin’ that could be the explanation for dinosaurs. They were just like reptiles that just like grew for 1,000 years, kept growing, kept growing, kept growing …

SOLD! Now since Bryan Fischer is SCIENCING HARD on our asses, and since you are all gaysexual heathens, let us translate this into Wonkese:

Once upon a time, there were some 1,000-year-old lizards — and NO, Kaili smart-assing in the chatcave, God did not “born them old.” They started out as little itty bitty teeny weeny lizards in the Garden of Eden. This is why there is no part of the Genesis story where Eve says, “Get away from me, serpent of Satan, Adam and I are doing chicken-fights on our giant lizard pets right now!” No, they were very small at the time, you see.

But by the fourth or fifth Netflix season of Bible, all the people and all the living creatures that lived forever were 1,000 years old, including Methuselah, ‘cept how he died at 969 like SOME KIND OF PUSSY. But all the non-lizard people and cats and dogs were normal size, just real old, and oh they were also fags and lezzies, because Eve ate some fruit like a common whore and this led to #sin.

Anyway, one day, God was looking upon His creation and said, “Whoa look at those big grandma and grandpa lizards and those tiny people! What homos!” He said this because they were all buttfucking. So He said to His friend Noah, “Hey, build a boat but not for those gay lizard senior citizens,” because He was planning to make them extinct very soon.

So Noah builded a boat and his fambly and some otters and chickens and kitty cats got to go on the boat, and it rained and rained, but Noah’s posse survived, while the giant sodomite lizards all drowned. Now, you might think lizards are waterproof, but not these lizards, because they were Olds, which meant they had walkers and shuffleboard equipment, which sank to the bottom of the ocean.

Three Netflix seasons later in Bible, baby Jesus was bornded, and that is the story of Christmas.

[Right Wing Watch]

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  • Msgr_Moment

    Still doesn’t explain unicorns.

  • crunchyknee

    Takes a lizard to know a lizard.

  • beatbort

    This guy does not hold an advanced degree in paleontology. He is, however, an expert in the field of Palintology, the science of derping and grifiting.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    God was looking upon His creation and said, “Whoa look at those big grandma and grandpa lizards and those tiny people!

    ————–
    |Plan Ahea|
    | ………….d|
    ————-

    A message from the omnisicient creator of the universe.

  • Nounverb911

    “Methuselah, 969 years he lived.”
    Is that in Lizard years or dog years?

  • Michael Rush

  • Nounverb911

    Does this mean that Newt Gingrich is a direct descendent of the Lizard people?

  • Ruhe

    The force of devolution is strong in this one.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The Creation Museum is fine, but I’m saving up for a trip to the Armageddon Museum. I’ve heard the Gog and Magog exhibit is killer!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Meh. Turns out the “Rapture Experience” is just a human-sized vacuum cleaner.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    The Creation Science Institute is pretty close to me in Chino Valley (aka South Methistan). I pass it on my way to I-40 when I head west. The sign makes me chuckle all the way to Ash Fork. I wonder if Bryan Fissure gets their newsletter.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      A good laugh is hard to find in Chino Valley. Speaking of meth, any Patrick Swayze sightings lately?

  • Nounverb911

    ..

    • natoslug

      Obviously a fake. Not only can I see the pixels where it was ‘shopped, but everyone know Jesus rode a velociraptor. Fraud!

      • Anarchy Pony

        Utahraptor.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      So, all these people are jooz? Man, I need to convert. Where’s W. Sobchak when u need him?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        At the bowling alley. Except on Shabbos.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      If Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a raptor, I don’t think the Romans would have crucified him for being a rabblerouser. They would have crucified him for causing the death of about a dozen innocent people.

    • revenant

      remember, kids, when you give the nice horsie a sugar cube, put it in the center of your palm and sort of curl your fingers back.
      or get that dumbass Fischer kid to give it to him

  • Ruhe

    All those suckers just begging to be taken…it’s tempting sometimes.

    • FlownOver

      True dat. Double true.

      Memo to Trix:

      A subsidiary TruthyBible site, appropriately web-disguised to conceal its point of origin in the Chatcave, could very well make Teh Wonket self-sustaining for the indefinite future. As a secondary benefit it could relieve some folks of the excess munniez they might otherwise send to Ben Carson or The Huckster.

      Just saying.

  • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

    You think maybe these fuckers might believe in climate change enough to go for a giant ark? I mean, if we built a yuuuuge one, like thousands of feet long, and sold reservations on kickstarter. Imagine if they went and camped out near it and then when we’re done we can shove it into the ocean and wish them good luck.

    • FlownOver

      Or just keep grifting until the ocean gets to the boat. No shoving necessary.

    • Amy!

      Dammit. Clicked the ‘reply’ button one up from where I meant to reply. Sorry, comrade, that was presumably very strange and nearly incomprehensible (it was nearly incomprehensible in context, and out of context it’s worse).

      • Anarchy Pony

        Passable wingnuttery, needz moar spelling and punctuation errors, 7/10.

    • Playonwords

      Nope, because GAWWWWWWD sayd that he would never destroy the earth by water again so melting icecaps is a no-no.

    • revenant

      B Ark

  • Latverian Diplomat

    He seems to be unaware of feathered dinosaurs, and the many other ways that dinosaurs, pteradactyls, etc. do not resemble “really big” versions of existing reptiles.

    • Mavenmaven

      Those were 1000 year old pigeons, man. This theory ‘splains EVERYTHING!

    • FlownOver

      Careful – “He seems to be unaware of” could be the start of a really, really long list.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        100000000 things the good Bryan Fischer is unware of.
        My next coffee table book

        • Beaumarchais?

          We’re gonna need a bigger coffee table.

    • Amy!

      Wull, wull … you know, when people get old, their hair falls out! So, so, so with dime-o-sores, when they gets old, their feathers fall out! See? It’s just logic!

      And anyway, how do you know? Were you their? Quote Eric Demonstration!

  • DahBoner

    No reason to doubt that, ladies and gentlemen, do not doubt this book

    Who was created first? Man? Or Beast?

    Genesis 1:24-27: Beast.

    Genesis 2:18-19: Man.

    Literally hundreds of logical contradictions, but don’t doubt a single one because argle bargle lie lie and lie some more?
    https://media1.giphy.com/media/12NlCFUvTokWXe/200w_d.gif

    • Msgr_Moment

      I love pointing this one out to the door-to-door proselytutes. Do not try to use this book as a science text when it contradicts itself on the second effing chapter (out of 929)!

    • Michael Rush

      Did you just pull back the curtain on the great and powerful OZ ?

      • DahBoner

        I’m still pissed Jesus was a vegetarian.
        https://youtu.be/2Dec9Jb_Ac4

        • natoslug

          Like Hitler. Coincidence . . . or conspiracy?

        • Michael Rush

          hmmm , watch this video or eat 5 lbs of white sugar covered in syrup .

        • Playonwords

          I laugh at your pitiful saccharine efforts, America

          https://youtu.be/tpIkSeUmzrs

    • natoslug

      The bible is the direct word of God! Except where it’s the inspired word of God! Except for the parts that are metaphorical! Okay, fine, it was written by committee, and we lost the notes partway through and had to wing it, but God-damn, there was a lot to keep track of. You try keeping the minutes at bible cram sessions when all you have to write on are stone tablets!

    • Playonwords

      Ahhh the Wholly Babble, nothing can beat it for when you want to justify violence, cruelty, torture, brainwashing, rape, child abuse ….

      Gott Yule!!

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Actually in an attempt to explain that contradiction. Somebody came up with this girl.

      Lilith
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilith

      Off course even if Adam, Eve and Lilith were all real, it wouldn’t explain why an all knowing, all powerful God created such a perfect world, that was so ridiculously easy to destroy.

      • theCryptofishist

        Yeah, but at least Lilith is a female character I can related to someone, not just on Cheers also too.

    • theCryptofishist

      I thought it was a throne made of swords all melted together, and not even very melted, because still prickles.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Sure, if you believe in magical thinking, solid logic there. Like Lyin’ Bryan sez, no reason to doubt that ladies and gents. Nothing to see here, move along, send dollars.

  • Msmlg1979

    This post makes me feel good about myself!

    • Pickwicknext

      We’re allowed to feel good about ourselves here? I’ve been having rage strokes since I follwed the great Pinkham migration and found you guys.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        The rage is just a fringe benefit of all the feeling of the good wonkette. Also, welcome, migrant! Don’t take my job now.

        • natoslug

          Build the danged fence! I bet he has calves the size of cantelopes. How can a red-blooded American male like myself compete with cantelope calves?

          • bozilingus

            Time to work on that watermelon ass.

          • natoslug

            I’m still focusing on the beer keg stomach. Six-pack abs are for hosers.

          • FlownOver

            And cottage cheese thighs…

            Wait – is the how Jeff Dammer went off the rails?

          • natoslug

            His granny constantly pinching his cheeks and saying “You’re so cute, I want to just eat you all up!” didn’t help much either.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            mmmm cantelope calves. Yeaaahhhh I’ll be in my bunk, sorry Murrican guys

          • Msmlg1979

            Yep. You’ve got the Chronic Masturbation.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Welcome to the gay-marrying, immigrant-hugging, throat-cramming socialist non-commenting collective. Rage is not permitted during drinking hours. Please obey the local customs or we will be forced to revoke your card.

        • The Wanderer

          Best advice I’ve seen all day. Thankie kindly, Monsignor.

        • revenant

          ahem.. its soshamalism, so-sha-ma-lism, comrade

          • Msgr_Moment

            I am so embarrassed. I’ll be over in the corner, saying my “Hail Marx”s and stroking my Rosa Luxemburg beads.

          • revenant

            nichevo… your post was otherwise awesome
            yours in the struggle against right deviationalism,
            revenant

      • Msmlg1979

        Wonkette side effects include-seeing red, chronic masturbation, spewing coffee through your nose, a sense of intellectual superiority, syphilis, saying weird phrases to people who don’t understand them, reduced productivity at home and work, gout, spontaneous pun-making…

        • Suttree

          Fucking all the upvotes!111!!

          • Msmlg1979

            Awwww! *blush*

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            why you blushin? It is Suttree fucking all the upvotes. All the very pointy upvotes….
            ouch

        • Pickwicknext

          So, this will on exacerbate my preexisting conidtions? Good to know!

          • Msmlg1979

            Thanks to Obamacare, that’s covered!

          • Pickwicknext

            Nah, I’m Canadian so I never had to worry about that. (Lots of other stuff , yes worry until Trudeaumania 2.0 started) However, that makes the ponko-commie socialism a terminal genetic condition

        • natoslug

          My sense of intellectual superiority is superior to yours.

          • Msmlg1979

            Ha! Let me point out all the ways you’re wrong..

      • Playonwords

        Welcome to you – may you have all the Dick-ins you want!

        Dickens – I meant to say DickENS

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          you so did not.

        • theCryptofishist

          Wait, are there any here who don’t like dicks in? Because that would be …
          odd…

      • gedjcj

        We’re talented that way, alternating between smug superiority and near suicidal disillusionment, the latter being treated with liberal progressive amounts of alcohol.

        As for the rage, a true wonkamuffin is always Mad About A Thing™

        Welcome aboard!

      • eddi

        If your reaction to Fischer is “that is the most pathetically desperate piece of bullshit I have ever heard from a true believer as the ground falls out from under him.” Then you have reason to be proud. You can enjoy watching him push his fellow lemmings into the sea (Disney style) and raise a glass as he dives after them screaming, “Wait for me! I’m your leader!”

  • Mavenmaven

    Perhaps if Fischer gets to live for 1000 years he might evolve into a human being.

    • Slinger

      That estimate is being generous .

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Bet it would be fun to ask ol’ Brian about the African Humid Period. Prolly has some real insights.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Poor Brian, he’ll never dine in Valhalla…

    • dshwa

      Good, more for the rest of us.

  • coozledad

    How does Bryan Fischer keep his lizard so young?

    • weejee

      Porn?

  • Spotts1701

    So does that make Godzilla the cranky old man who yells at everyone?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Hey, Tokyo, get off my lawn!

    • Steverino247

      Get off my Tokyo!

    • Ä Ğrümpy Çät

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …ummmmm, the stupid meter spiked off the chart after reading this!!!

    1) “Dinosaurs” aren’t fucking “lizards” you shit for brains asshole!

    2) Lizards(reptiles in general) don’t increase in size perpetually, there is a limit to their growth cycle!!!

    3) Pleaes visit a science museum and explain to me how a modern day human would be able to survive on a planet full of 20 foot tall walking “garbage disposals” with 6 inch teeth?!?!?!?11!!!

    • Ä Ğrümpy Çät

      SCEINCE IS LIBTARD PROPAGANDA SPREAD BY LOW INFORMATION VOTER LIBTARD BABYS!*

      *Based on an actual comment someone made on my Twitter.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Only proves libtards are the true pro lifers, what with beliving everything from the low information voter libtard babbies and all.

    • ShriekinViolet

      Regarding point three, I’m pretty sure this is the only “science” museum he’ll be visiting:

      http://www.creationmuseum.org/about/

      • The Wanderer

        Yeah. He can’t go into an actual museum; it repels him, like garlic repels vampires.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        And point two. The extant Trumposaurus does increase in volume perpetually.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      WRT #3, Off topic, I’ve always, been highly amused by the Canuckian version – garburator. I mean, hell, it’s a proper werd.

    • eddi

      Dinosaurs and reptiles are two separate sections of an evolutionary chart. Last common ancestor was back in the Permian (I think – please check before spreading that). Reptiles came through a few extinction events basically unchanged. Dinosaurs only left one minor branch to re-spread, birds.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …yes, some reptiles have a “Asymptotic Curve” like for example many “Jellyfish” or as you mentioned fish like “Sharks” do. However they do all have a “limited” lifespan, they aren’t immortal. This assclown is assuming that an animal as big as a dinosaur can live 700-800 years? Secondly dealing with a 300lb wolf and dealing with a 40ft long, 7 ton Tyrannosaurus Rex are totally different. There is a reason why during the Cretaceous period that the largest mammals weren’t much larger than a raccoon.

        • eddi

          I kinda missed the immortal bit. Or didn’t think to mention it.

  • Ä Ğrümpy Çät

    Ihhh.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    These people don’t believe events reported live on video on ‘lamestream’ media but readily accept things written thousands of years by a bunch of goat herders who most likely never ventured more than 50 miles from the place of their birth as the gospel truth. Fuck.

    • arglebargle

      Give them some credit. They ventured all the way from the pyramid grain silos to the land of Canaan. Allegedly.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Moon landing fakery libelz!

      • Zippy

        Buzz Aldrin on line one

    • theCryptofishist

      Sheep herders. They liked them docile and stupid. Goats are too opinionated, plus they climb trees, drop on the goat herds and steal all their primitive beer and mead.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    OT, but is Evan the only one working the blog mines this almost-holiday? Everyone else is off playing those reindeer games?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Golf with that Kenyan Usurper in Beige, probably

      • natoslug

        I never did like Procol Harum’s B-Sides. Although I will give them credit for trying with “Kenyan Usurper in Beige.”

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Their follow up, Lesbian Pant Suit Granny with the flip side Insane Haired Commie Jew, wollen be my personal favorite. I think.

    • arglebargle

      The Gehys don’t celebrate Christmas is my guess. And all praise be to Allah cause I loves me some Evan blogging.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Must begin ritual consuming of all things great and small in half an hour.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Since Germany, I assume you mean “sausages.” Have a great feast and have a braut and beer for me! Merry Holiday, Comrade.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Joyeux Noël

    • theCryptofishist

      Well, Trix and Shy have to be elbows deep in preparing Donna Rose’s First Christmas and Dok has family, also too. I’m sure that Evan wants to do this, and isn’t trying to raise a large amount of moneys to pay off some sort of debt to the mob, or someone who’s threatening to break many limbz.

  • Completely true. This is why you find teeny-tiny T-Rexes everywhere.

    • Suttree

      I saw one on Serenity so they totally exist.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Well, their forelegs stayed teeny-tiny!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      They are called Chickens.

      • No, the devil made chickens to confuse us into believing a lie of evolution. Also because they’re pretty fucking tasty battered and deep fried, or stuffed with spinach, Parmesan, onions, and mushrooms.

        Mmmm… Kentucky Fried devil T-Rex… Glaaaaaaaaah….

  • Suttree

    Yesterday was my niece’s 14th birthday and we had a grand party for her that I luckily found out that I was catering 4 hours beforehand when my sister showed up with a trunk full of raw food. After the festivities had died down and everyone left we sat around talking and the conversation drifted as they do until the Miracle in the War on Christmas moment came and my niece told me she was an athiest. I love my family!

    • arglebargle

      I gave my Mennonite sisters “Letter to a Christian Nation” by Sam Harris last year and told them this is what I’ve thought for many years. Turns out some nieces and nephews also read it. I can never seem to get any conversation going though. We all get along fine, but no one wants to think too much or they might realize their entire way of life is based on bullshit.

      • Suttree

        Most of my family is Catholic or deist and I’ve always been the only atheist or at least the only one to drunkenly ramble on about it at turkey day dinner. So this came as quite a pleasant suprise to me.

        • Msmlg1979

          I’m the lone progressive and atheist in a family of southern Baptists. It’s hard. I’ve been working on a country song about it.

  • arglebargle

    This is why I don’t Netflix. Could you imagine binge watching this series? It may make one radicalized.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    The next I hear a Christofraud ask “how stupid do they think we are?” I’m sending them this video with the warning “this is how stupid they think you are”.

  • The myth of Noah and his ark remind me of the importance of Universal Health Care.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      And tax revenue expenditure on infrastructure.

      • eggsacklywright

        Oohh, sexy talk!

  • dshwa

    America: The Endumbening, will continue in a moment.

    • Amy!

      After this message from our sponsor: The New Ronco Home Trepanning Kit! As seen on Doctor Oz!

      • lroom

        Endorsed by Dr. Ben Carson!

        • theCryptofishist

          Once you have a hole in your head, you’ll find it comes in handy for flower arrangements.

  • baconzgood

    Whaaaaaa?

  • cousin itt

    Who is this god person anyway?

    • Nounverb911

      The almighty grifter?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s like that was the plan from the beginning. Some clever men (it’s always men) found a way to not go out into the fields and do any work.

    • arglebargle

      “The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character
      in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving
      control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a
      misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal,
      pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent
      bully.”

      Richard Dawkins,

      The God Delusion

      EDIT: But he loves you – George Carlin

      • Jared Moss

        He loves you, and he needs money.

        • Playonwords

          Applies to both God and …

          Sorry, I find Richard Dawkins a bit grating sometimes.

          • eddi

            He spends large amounts of time pissed off at human stupidity. It tends to color his work.

      • JH Marx

        Why was he so easy on the basterd?

    • weejee

      The one who makes Chinese Restaurants be open on Christmas to feed the Jews?

    • natoslug

      The person the couple in the last story should have invited to their threesome.

    • Pickwicknext

      Oolon Coloophid? I love your book “Some more of God’s Greatest Mistakes”!

      • eggsacklywright

        Along with the goblin shark and Ted Cruz.

        • eddi

          Goblin sharks are useful predators. Ted Cruz isn’t even edible.

  • undercover epicurean

    “you got people livin’ 969 years. No reason to doubt that”

    Yeah, no reason at all. Makes perfect sense. Life as a 900 year old must have been awesome.

    • The Wanderer

      Apart from calling the fire department to put out the birthday cake.

      • Zippy

        one of the prime contributors to global warming

    • Jared Moss

      When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not.

      • Logic of Color

        I logged all the way in just to upfist this

      • Anarchy Pony

        Well done.

    • Rotisserie Teal

      “Who calls that livin’ when no gal’s gonna’ give in, to no man what’s nine hundred years”

      The book of Heyward and Gershwin.

    • NanBullenshede

      Barring the Prostate Problem.

    • undercover epicurean
  • Notreelyhelping

    When I first saw the creature-snug-its-bed picture, I thought: oh god, what’s Virginia Foxx done now?

  • Jennifer Nicole

    This isn’t a new argument. It’s what I was taught 17+ years ago when I was a young, ig’nant Christian middle schooler. D;

    • natoslug

      If the argument were allowed to adapt to changes in the mental environment, Fischer and his ilk might have to accept at least some form of evolution.

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      And look at you now. All thinkering and stuff.

    • Playonwords

      Over at Physorg they published the most excellent peiece trolling Cretin Creationists .

      The Evolution of Creationism

      Modern-day creationism, according to Montgomery, developed from several influential efforts, beginning in the 1920s. The movement would revive the global (Noah’s) flood explanation for the geological record, resurrecting the older theory mainly in an effort to question scientific conclusions regarding the biological evolution of life on Earth.

      The creationists of the twentieth century—and those of today—evolved in order to reject a scientific basis for understanding of the history of our planet. They instead rely on a literal interpretation of Biblical accounts of creation

  • weejee

    Speaking of Bryan Fischer’s lizard.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Probably magnified 100 times to allow you to view the details.

      • Zippy

        Objects in mirror are smaller than they appear

  • arglebargle

    And now no one lives past 115 or so. Thanks Obamacare.

  • Nockular cavity

    “Reptiles continue to grow until they die.” Of course. Haven’t you seen what happens when a town gets ravaged by 100-foot-long salamanders? Ain’t pretty.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Salamanders aren’t reptiles.

      • natoslug

        Close enough for a Fischer post. And, given the size of giant salamanders when they are left undisturbed, the one animal Fischer would probably think (ha! I killz myself sometimes!) to use to justify his argument.

      • Zippy

        thank you, my inner pedant wasn’t screaming to get out

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Don’t interrupt. He’s on a roll!

    • sosuume
  • Blueb4sunrise

    Just remember: The really hip will refer to the new band as “GGBL”

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Quite the scholar is our Bryan!

  • The Wanderer

    This blue-nosed God-botherer subtracts from the sum of human intelligence every time he opens his gaping piehole to let words escape.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      The sound and the fury
      Signifying butthurt.

  • cousin itt

    Also too, tastes like chicken.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      LOL! If it can’t turn water into wine, I’m not interested!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    “Reptiles continue to grow until they die.
    So, you think about the pre-Flood earth. I mean, you got people livin’
    969 years. No reason to doubt that”.

    Nope, no reason to doubt that at all, other than all the evidence that contradicts that having been the case or being the case even now.

    Also there were human giants, and Leviathan and that giant bull thingy. lol

    • natoslug

      Giant Bull Thingy — not just what Bryan fantasizes* about most of the time, but also the perfect description of his theories.

      *He’s usually railing on about homosexuality and men gettin’ all naked and sweaty with one another, right? If not, ignore this portion of my comment, which isn’t allowed in the first place.

    • NanBullenshede

      Doubt not, Leviathan were Real Enough and Still are and forever Shall Be.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Bryan Fischer. Prime example of the stupid that strains the Commenting Rules for Radicals. This guy gets paid for this horseshit, too. Positive proof that there is no justice in the universe.

    • Iam Reading

      He’s quite the grifter. Although he couldn’t make quite enough money in Idaho off the rubes here, so he had to move down to the swamps of Mississippi to make more grift there.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      And that is the gist of it. I suspect even the non commenting of the best of Wonkette could spin yarns in circles around these fuckers. However, I think the $$$ involved wouldn’t be enough to get anyone here to stand in a room with such loons.

    • revenant

      you just say that because you insist on clinging to dirty fucking liberal elitist standards like basic human dignity, you d.f.l.e you

  • herrointment

    That goes without saying.

  • ThatDale

    I am not a scientists, but I used to teach some A Science on occasion, and I remember that dinosaurs were not reptiles. Something to do with the alignment of the hip joints. If someone whose degree was in theatre knows this, why doesn’t someone who’s job it is to lie about science know it? Oh wait…

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Many dinosaurs also had feathers.

      Siberian Discovery Suggests Almost All Dinosaurs Were Feathered
      http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2014/07/140724-feathered-siberia-dinosaur-scales-science/

      That’s something only one group of animals has today, and they’re not crocodiles or lizards. Oh but of course evolution is a lie from Satan.

      • vivian

        Yeah, but so do most Siberians, so….

        • CriticalDragon1177

          So you’re saying most Siberians are mutant bird people. I had no idea. ;)

          • vivian

            Do NOT go there with corn in your pocket. BIG MISTAKE!!!

      • NanBullenshede

        And a very Good One.

  • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

    Why lizards only? Why don’t all animals keep growing until they die?

    Why am I trying to make sense of what Bryan Fissure says?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You need another eggnog.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      The “knowledge of genetics” part of your brain hasn’t been infused with the proper concentration of caffeine just yet?

    • Ducksworthy

      Just carping.

  • Zippy

    That explains why here in the desert Southwest we see horned toads the size of Buicks…

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      And 200 ft long rattlesnakes. Those are the worstest.

      • Zippy

        Swallow an Amtrak whole…

    • John Smith

      Great Horny Toads!

      -Yosemite Sam

    • eddi

      Photographic proof of his theory!

      • revenant

        whats that? you say Timmy fell down the well?

    • Ducksworthy

      I’ve seen em too.But I think it may have been because of something I ate.

  • jviscont1

    Now I see why all those Jurassic Park movies seem to run so long.

  • John Smith

    “They were just like reptiles that just like grew for 1,000 years, kept growing, kept growing, kept growing …”

    “Reptiles continue to grow until they die.”

    Old Tea Party Republican voter libelz!111!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So Noah builded a boat and his fambly and some otters and chickens and
    kitty cats got to go on the boat, and it rained and rained, but Noah’s
    posse survived, while the giant sodomite lizards all drowned.

    Now, Evan, take note. “Builded” does not sell this sentence. “Fambly” does.

    Bravo!

    • Playonwords

      No kitty cats. The Babble never mentions kitty cats

      • PubOption

        I don’t think it was too keen on anything from Egypt.

        • eddi

          Like Bast?

      • kaw143

        Therefore, cats don’t exist. Quod erat demonstrandum, baby.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Problem is that Bob Bakker, PhD (the Born-again minister and director of the Houston Museum of Natural History) proved in his Doctoral Dissertation back in the 70s that Dinosaurs were birds, not reptiles. Want to see a Velociraptor,

    • bobbert

      Not too close. They’re tetchy.

      • jmk

        Don’t they spit? Or is that llamas?

        • eddi

          They kick. “Velociraptor was a mid-sized dromaeosaurid, with adults measuring
          up to 2.07 m (6.8 ft) long, 0.5 m (1.6 ft) high at the hip, and
          weighing up to 15 kg (33 lb).

          • Swampgas_Man

            And they’re good at opening refrigerator doors, according to the documentary Jurassic Park.

          • Zyxomma

            The roomie and I just watched Jurassic World. Do not recommend. Noisy, stupid, boring. I don’t get all the love for Chris Pratt.

          • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

            Latest safe and acceptably attractive white boy marketed by Hollywood isn’t working out for you?

          • Swampgas_Man

            Thanks, just found High Society (the Bing Crosby, Sinatra and fucking Louis Armstrong singing Gershwin one) and The Front Page (Cary Grant) on Netflix Streaming. Who needs dinosaurs?

    • NanBullenshede

      Picquet picquet.

    • ieatbees

      But I can’t ride an ostrich to work!

      I NEED A VELOCIRAPTOR TO RIDE TO WORK. I NEED IT FOR SCIENCE.

      • bobbert

        Hey, ostriches worked for Tarzan.

    • theCryptofishist

      And you have to put those chicken spurs to get the true slashing effect.

  • Rebecca Gardner

    If you want a heapin’ helpin’ of BuyBull dinosaur insanity just go to this web site of ridiculousness. But it must be true with a name like CREATION LIBERTY!

    http://www.creationliberty.com/articles/dinosaursbible.php

    • therblig

      i stayed as long as i could, but felt my IQ dropping. at the first droplet of drool, i clicked off just in time.

  • Because I know you all want proof of dinosaur butt sex, I present this picture of a brachiosaurus fucking another brachiosaurus in the butthole.

    Merry Christmas

    • lucidamente

      This way they can both watch the birth of Baby Jesus.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Oh now, those dinos are committing an abomination in the eye’s of the Lord! Dino sex is icky just like the gay sex. ;)

    • NanBullenshede

      I beg to di∬er. The reptiles art merely engaged in playing piggyback. The under reptile hath its tail down, making it mechanickally imp∬ible for the uberreptile to do what Scots do to unwary Goates.

      • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

        How gainst thou this knowledge of physick erotical?

      • mtn_philosoph

        The story I heard involved the Cornish and sheep.

    • kaw143

      Well, I learned something today. Leapfrog wasn’t invented by the ancient Greeks, but by dinosaurs!

  • Poly_Ester

    Little known science fact, Methuselah actually was 666 years old when he died. That number was reused, subsequently, as the number of the beast, so good guy Methuselah’s age was revised upward.

    • Boscoe

      Oh sure, and I suppose next you’re going to suggest that Satan was an add-on to the Bible after the church found people were having difficulty reconciling their belief in a god that caused both the good things AND the bad things in the world, seemingly arbitrarily.

      • Beaumarchais?

        The first software patch!

        • mtn_philosoph

          The original retcon.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Zoroastrianism libelz

    • gene108

      I think technically the number of the beast will be DCLXVI as the Bible authors were not using Sanskrit / Arabic numerals, but were using Roman numerals.

      • Querolous

        Well part of the buble is written in Aramaic. So……שִׁיתָּא שִׁיתָּא שִׁיתָּא
        …pronounced shita shita shita.

      • mtn_philosoph

        Actually, the NT was written in Greek and the OT was in Hebrew. The Vulgate (Latin) translation was first published in the late 4th century, some 200+ years after the various parts of the NT were written

  • TheBidenator

    If lizard brains grow throughout life no wonder wingnuts are all bald hydrocephalus by the time they die….

    • eddi

      You need to use an organ or it degenerates.

  • anon_the_great

    Ya fergited the endin to yer story. Amen.

    Merry X-mas you Hell bound Pagans. :)

    • eddi

      Praise Dobbs!

  • TheBidenator

    Here’s a little known fact for Bryan Fischer: the bible when taken literally is bullshit and only idiots refuse to see this fact.

  • TheBidenator

    Also, I believe the past tense of borned is ‘bornt’ is in Bryan Fischer bornt a turd from his mouth on the radio today.

  • Gorillionaire

    (Andrew Dice Clay voice) “There’s a reptile still growing…in my pants! Heyooo!”

    • Zippy

      My throbbing one-eyed python of love

  • CriticalDragon1177

    This is your brain, this is your brain on fundamentalism. Any questions?

  • fka_donnie_d

    Mr Fischer is an expert on dinosaurs, he is one after all.

    Seriously why the fuck does this guy need a radio transmitter at this point? Cant he just pray for god to give him telepathic powers so he can transmit this bullshit directly into peoples brains?

  • Cranky Man

    The Bible is literally and not literally, man made, just saying.

    • bobbert

      In both senses of the word.

    • Figuratively?

  • xy

    do not doubt this book full of things that make no sense and then go on to contradict said things that make no sense so that by the end all anybody remembers is how gays are bad and god wants you to be selfish. it must be divine, no earthly being could be so dumb. or could they?

    • Angela Ruzzo

      I think that’s the whole point – people are dumb, god isn’t, so clearly god didn’t write the dumb book. Voltaire famously said “”If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him” and that is, in fact, what people did. This does not mean that a Supreme Being does not exist, simply that the god that people invented bears little or no resemblance to any real Supreme Being who might possibly exist.

  • JoeChristmas

    Phew, thanks Bryan for sorting out that great dilemma. That deserves a Nobel Prize or something. The best Christmas present ever!

  • BearGHAZI

    How long has Callista Gingrich walked the earth?

    • gene108

      With her high plastic content, she will walk the Earth for eons. Or at least stand in a corner, like a wax statue, never decomposing.

      • OneDemin EOr

        I can see her, eons from now, floating in the ocean surrounded by grocery bags and six-pack holders.

        • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

          The American Dream.

  • Angela Ruzzo

    How odd that the tiny little lizards grew to enormous sizes, but people didn’t. One could postulate that Methuselah should have been about 20 feet tall by the time he died, but it doesn’t say so anywhere. Considering that I am 60 and already have such bad arthritis that I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I’d really like to talk to Methuselah’s rheumatologist.

    • Don’t get them started. “There were giants in those days” is a line in the bible and I’ve seen so-called documentaries which “prove” there used to be giant people.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        I have an uncle who is a fundamentalist Christian minister, and he believes that the dinosaurs disappeared because they were too big to fit on Noah’s Ark. I say nothing. It is not worth discussing anything with him.

      • eddi

        The “facts” in those documentaries lead back to 19th Century newspapers telling tall tales. How many people don’t realize that was a common entertainment in those days like comics today.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Most mammals do not continue to grow. Kangaroos, though, can grow their whole lives, but you will never see one big as a house cuz their organs do stop growing, so it is unpossible

    • We got a good lecturin’ at church once about how bigger things were “before sin” and how sin is the reason grapes are small. In olden times it used to take TWO OR FIVE DUDES just to carry ONE GRAPE, don’tcha know.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Early winemakers played a dangerous game — many were killed by their prey.

  • Jeff Ackerman

    Bryan Fischer needs to ditch the clean clothes and tie, wear grubby clothes and preach on the street corners, Maybe then he will get the professional help he needs.

    • Jared James

      But not grow a big scraggly beard, on account of that is terrest.

    • CatCope

      Jeff, wouldn’t work in THIS country. We don’t help the mentally ill or the homeless, ‘member?

  • RoyalUglyDude

    #Dinosaur es mi Abuela

  • chascates

    I know it somehow brings comfort to people but I just don’t get it, no matter what variant. What is so frightening about human existence that you have to make up an afterlife that requires you to suffer just to get into it? Do you really think morality only comes out of fear? Ours must be the slowest evolving organism in our universe.

    • Swampgas_Man

      More to the point here, what the fuck is so wrong with dinosaurs that you have to makebelieve ’em into just plain, if very very old, lizards? No, Bibble doesn’t mention them– doesn’t mention nuclear fission either. Don’t trouble yourself about it. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Things Bible does not mention: anything you cannot see with the naked eye except God and angels, etc which are not real things.

        • eddi

          Left out kangaroos too.

          • theCryptofishist

            No, I’m sure that kangaroos were in there. Making toast. And growing organic gardens. Friends of Cain.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Does the Bibble mention TV, or the Internet? How about toasters? Harpsichords? Stirrups?

        • Vegetablebrothel

          Upvote mostly for Harpsichords.

        • mailman27

          Nope. Swords & sandals. All-seeing.

      • Barley_Brains

        Pie, bibble should mention pie! No, I mean pi.

  • ieatbees

    I gave up at his words. I just can’t.

    I need cat pictures and cat gifs

    • eddi

      Emergency Kitten at your service

      • CatCope

        A Big Thank You eddi!!!!! More Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • eddi

          Merry Christmas to all and to all a loud purr.

          • CatCope

            You can’t OD on kitties can U? Well bring it on!!

    • blaid droog

      I have three .cats lying on my body right now. One of them is a living gif. Real live is the best.

  • BMW

    My pastor said this same thing when I was a kid. Along with a bunch of other ridiculously stupid shit that he claimed was in the Bible but actually wasn’t (because apparently the Bible wasn’t far-feched enough, so he had to go to outside sources).

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So, he sought out Trump campaign leaflets?

    • Zhu Bajie

      Yep, the Bible never mentions evolution or race or most of Fundies’ preoccupations.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Which is why they get all het up. They can’t deal.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Makes sense to me.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Yeah, except the part where animals that grow indeterminately have organs that do not continue to grow, so that 4000 pound lizzard would have a too tiny heart, liver, and so on, so it is unpossible

      • CatCope

        Now,’ DoILook’, stop confusing people with science.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          I used to go to the aquarium and watch this one halibut about the size of a sofa while thinking, “is this thing going to stroke out or not?”. That has to be near the upper limit for one of those, right?

          • blaid droog

            Ostensibly, mississippi catfish can grow larger than a man. I’ve never seen one but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

          • OneDemin EOr

            Not Mississippi, but you get the idea…

      • Vegetablebrothel

        Also, some dinos more closely resemble chickens and birds, but whatevs. Suspension of disbelief is important for the plot to work.

      • LadyLaz

        Wow, I just learned something. I had no idea. If the organs don’t grow, there has to be a limit on the size they can get, right? Otherwise, their heart wouldn’t support them.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Yeah, AFAIK, there is no large animal that has organs that grow forever.

          Take the largest lizard: The Kimono Dragon. They can grow to more than 10 ft long and weigh more than 160 pounds. But there is an upper limit.

          Fish, I think, do the biggest scaling up. Let’s face it, they can grow from less than an inch to the size of a sofa set :) That’s impressive. And still not infinite.

          • LadyLaz

            purty interesting. It makes sense though. Especially for the brain, although that is something we don’t necessarily associate with snakes or kimono dragons :)

  • eddi

    Creative Creation he has.

  • revenant

    just knew there had to be a logical explanation

  • Thurman Munster IV

    And in other stupid news our fave Bristol Palin whelped a woman babby named Sailor Grace.

    • Lambsendbeds

      You mean like Sailor Moon? And all the other Sailors? Maybe Bristol just couldn’t spell “Saint” like a common Kardashian. No way that trailer trash could spew out an anime super heroine.

      • Zhu Bajie

        For Bristol to have Sailor Moon, her partners would have to be more varied than I had imagined!

      • blaid droog

        I am so old. I knew not of this sailor moon. Had to use the google. As an aside, 12 years or so ago I came across a site called Sankaku Complex. Fascinating site. If you don’t know of it it’s worth a look.

    • cousin itt

      Next!

  • Did somebody say Babby Jesus?

    They leave baby Jesus in a cardboard box in the church basement
    ~

  • Bitter Scribe

    One of my favorite expressions, “Oh, lizard shit,” seems appropriate here.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    So by this logic, Bigfoot does exist, and is in fact just a Strom Thurmond-y old person?

    • OneDemin EOr

      With a lifetime supply of Rogaine.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Shoot, I’d jump on an offer for a lifetime supply of Rogaine, and I’m practically a Wookiee.

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      Except Bigfoot *does* acknowledge his out-of-wedlock bi-racial children. He’s a surprisingly good father, Bigfoot.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        And yet Focus on the Family fails to acknowledge Bigfoot’s family bearing. What a shame.

        • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

          Oh, Footly . . .

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            Shoot, now I wanna capture me a sasquatch just to name him Footly. Also to make fun of those doofuses on Finding Bigfoot.

          • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

            Krieger, you’re among friends. Friends who know you’ve never had to, uh, capture anything to be able to get on with your, uh, projects.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I gathered from the teevee at my brother’s house that we have been granted the opportunity to watch a show featuring some Duck Dynasty knockoff hillbilly types in pursuit of Sasquatch. (They will do a lot of yelling and falling down; it may in fact be a Three Stooges knockoff.)

            It’s a “reality” show, which confirms to me that “reality” ain’t what it used to be.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            I’ve seen about twelve minutes of an episode that migrated its way to Youtbue, and it was just gawd-awful garbage.
            Ever since I was a little kid I’ve loved watching documentaries on Bigfoot, not out of belief but because they’re basically ghost stories for naturalists: they can be fun and mysterious. The crap that’s been produced in the last decade has been so utterly worthless, I can’t stand it.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Look at the Book of Enoch sometime, for more details on what the angels were doing with the daughters of men, etc., etc.

  • BeaBull Apocalypse

    I had to wiki Bryan Fischer, since I’m an Old who doesnt pay attention to words or things. I prefer the one spelled Fisher who is a British American actor best known for his guest role as Jason McNamara, Carmen’s boyfriend on the George Lopez show. The one in this article sounds stupid

  • Ducksworthy

    This is the sort of logic that eventually gave us the right to life movement and the idea of legitimate rape. But this came much later. After some 6000 years of careful, but primitive, thought.

  • MrCanoehead

    Not to mention the square-cube law.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Brian ain’t having none of them furrin’ Arabic numerals.

  • Boko999

    “The lizards died because they were olds.”
    You bastards never stop. Leave us olds alone, you little pricks,it’s fucking Christamas and we’ll all be dead soon anyway.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    A sentence that begins with “I’m not a scientist or whatever…” rarely ends well.

  • Karlew

    Ok Mr Fischer, then why wasn’t Methuselah a giant human person? According to your book, he lived 969 years and if the dinosaurs kept growing as they aged why not humans?

  • OneDemin EOr
  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    But what happened to the plesiosaurs? (Asking for a friend.)

  • Belasaurius

    Snark bonus: 1 million points

  • whitroth

    I can’t resist… they were Olds? You mean, Noah would have letted them on board if they’d been, say, Fords or Chevys?

    mark “and Nessie is most *certainly* a plesiosaur….”

  • VandeGraf

    Bryan’s science fack book is a Jurassic Park piece of Fantasyland.

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