Fox News’s Eric Bolling squatted in his thinking spot, started making that familiar face somewhere between pleasure and agony, and pinched a Hot Take into his underpants about Hillary Clinton. Do you think maybe that shrill harpy Benghazi lady decided to soften her image by logging on to her private HumasBitch@AOL.com email and firing off the following email to her daughter Chelsea?
Your father and future stepmommy and I have decided it’s time for you to throw your legs in the air, for America, as we have a presidential election to win, and it would be handy if you could pop a little campaign prop out of your vaginal receptacle during the summer of 2016. Could you work that into your schedule? Please advise.
P.S. The Secret Service has taken the liberty of removing your IUD in your sleep, there is a fresh vial of Marc’s sperm on the nightstand, and also, we should do brunch soon.
PERINO: She’s got another ace in her, uh, hole, uh, pocket, ace in pocket, ace in the hole?
BOLLING: In her hand?
PERINO: In her hand? I don’t know, I don’t play poker, so you’ll have to help me out. Her Trump card! Well, um, lovely news for the family. Chelsea Clinton just announced she’s pregnant with her second child, that will be born next summer, and so Hillary Clinton has this image, she’s the Tough Grandma, and she’s got a new haircut for 2016 and she’s the one to beat. That’s how they want to narra-, uh, the narrative.
BOLLING: Was that timed out? Did they do the math?
PERINO: I would never suggest that.
BOLLING: Did they go 40 weeks back? […] Dana, we know the DNC timed those Democratic debates for the NFL weekends and the Star Wars, who knows? They’re good at timing on the left!
HE’S JUST ASKING IS ALL.
Before we return to the subject of this post, here is what Dana Perino looked like when (TWIT!) she was trying to figure out whether an ace should go in a hole or a pocket or into Andrea Tantaros’s bikini:
So! Did Hillary appoint the team that should have been protecting FOUR DEAD AMERICANS IN BENGHAZI to make sure the mood is set for Chelsea ‘n’ Marc to be boning on the regular? Did she call over and over again and say, “Are you doing it? Are you having sex?” And when Chelsea said excuses like “I’M AT WORK, HILLARY THE MOTHER BEAST!” did Hillary slam down the phone yelling things like “SARAH PALIN’S DAUGHTER IS GETTING PREGNANT RIGHT NOW, I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS”?
Sady Doyle has an excellent read on her Tumblr Blog Thing about how Hillary Clinton just can’t win anything besides the 2016 election. She’s damned if she do, damned if she don’t, damned if she’s a sweet grandmother, damned if she’s a tough lady Benghazi emailer secretary of state. It literally does not matter. She WILL be criticized for whatever stance she takes on anything.
And this is how it came to be that these Fox News twatnoggins are actually talking about how maybe Hillary knocked her daughter up as a campaign strategy. Christ, what assholes.
(BUT MAYBE SHE DID, YOU DON’T KNOW.)