Top o’ the Saturday morning to you, Wonkers! We assume you are lounged out in your Hello Kitty snuggie, ready to catch up on your Wonket Top Ten reading list from the week. If you’re not, then take care of that, and pour yourselves whatever pumpkin spice liquor you drink during the mornings.
First Thing’s First, though, it is officially The Holidays, which means we have some War On Christmas housekeeping to do. First, have you subscribed to yr new, sexxxy AD-FREE WONKETTE yet? Oh yeah, kids. You get to look at yr dick jokes and your quality journalism without it crashing your browser! Click here to see how!
You should also find it in your beautiful hearts to throw us some dollars, to feed the Wonkette children and the Wonkette babby and also the Wonkette Media EMPIRE for the War On Christmas. So click here and give us $5, $10, or $25, as a special Santa present! Remember, you can even use your Love Offering to give a special “just the tip” to me, yours truly, the “Evan” one, or to the “Kaili” one, or to the “Dok” one. Or all of us!
Okay, here is your weekend reading list, chosen as usual by the scientific method of “counting”:
1. Oh look, it’s that new C.A. Pinkham brat with his “Off The Menu” restaurant stories, at the top of the list. We have a feeling this is going to be a pattern. READ IT, IT IS SO GOOD.
2. Precious white people losing their damn minds over GMO salmon. NOTE: We got a lot of feedback on this piece, good and bad! It was very interesting, and we’re sure we’ll revisit it again in the future.,
3. That idiot Nevada lawmaker Michele Fiore decked her halls with tits and guns, and also more tits, on her crazy-ass Christmas card.
4. Oh look, it’s that C.A. Pinkham’s FIRST story about the bad restaurant customers, placing again this week!
4.5 This does not get its own official number, because apparently a lot of people spent a hell of a lot of time on Pinkham’s author page this week. Were you all fapping at the time? You were fapping. We know you were fapping. If you need to go fap again, be our guest.
5. The GOP candidates spent some time Jewsplaining how Jewishing works, to the Jewishes. It didn’t go well.
6. Sarah Palin sad about getting fired, Bristol being whore. You buy her book now?
7. Erick Erickson had thoughts about the Planned Parenthood shooting. They were bad thoughts.
8. Oh, look, another story appearing for the second week in a row. If you haven’t read Wonkette journalism ‘splaining to the Daily Beast how it’s bad to misidentify mass shooters, you should do that now.
9. Carly Fiorina’s good with terrorists being able to buy guns, as long as they promise to use them responsibly.
10. And finally, Peggy Noonan will slur her way through her prayers if she wants to, you jerk.
So there you go, Wonkers. That’s your assigned reading.
Now you have one task left, and one task only. You should go ahead and take care of the things we told you to do at the top of this piece. Subscribe. Throw dollars at our face. Ain’t no thang. You can handle that, yes?
Now get the fuck out of here and do your reading.