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he's just trying to help
he’s just trying to help

Pop quiz: You are at your local Home Depot, hating your life because you are at your local Home Depot, when you see some loss prevention officers chasing down someone that stoled a thing from your local Home Depot. Do you:

  1. Do nothing, because the loss prevention people are on it?
  2. Put your leg out and trip the fleeing person as if you are in a bad sitcom?
  3. Shoot them.

If you said (3), you are a proud Second Amendment-lovin’ Michigan-American and a goddamn hero, even if the judicial system just doesn’t understand.

Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez, who was licensed to carry a concealed weapon, said she heard a scream and feared the incident was worse than a theft. She acknowledged the shooting in the parking lot was a mistake.

“I made a decision in a split second,” the 46-year-old Clarkston woman told a judge. “Maybe it was not the right one, but I was trying to help.”

Rochester Hills District Court Judge Julie Nicholson said: “I don’t believe any malice was involved in what you were doing, but I believe you have to think about what could have happened.”

We’d like to say it is a truth we hold self-evident that shooting INTO A CROWD OF PEOPLE is not typically how we “help” people, but we live in America so everything about guns is completely broken. Proof positive: this lady got probation. Probation. PROBATION. FOR SHOOTING INTO A CROWD OF PEOPLE AT YOUR LOCAL HOME DEPOT.

You will also be unsurprised to learn that her defense attorney is pretty sure the whole shooting into the crowd thing is a net plus.

Defense attorney Steven Lyle Schwartz called his client a “sharpshooter.”

“We need more people like Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez in our society,” he said.

Now, to be fair, she did take out the tires of the getaway vehicle (though the suspects got away, at least for a few days anyway), but we are still kinda stuck on the fact that shooting into a crowd of people at the local Home Depot falls well outside our “more people like that in society” rubric. But maybe that’s just us.

Thank god that although this sharpshooter lady only got probation, it at least comes with grabbin’ her guns away until 2023. Does this mean she’s learned her lesson and will now be all safe about guns and such? Nope.

“I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,” she said after her sentencing.

Well, since your definition of “help” includes “shoot into a crowd,” we’re pretty cool with you removing yourself from the pool of helpers, lady.

[Detroit News / Raw Story]

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  • Nounverb911

    “sharpshooter lady only got probation”
    Now she won’t have to miss her flight to Austin for tomorrows festivities.

  • A well regulated Militia…. means people TRAINED ON HOW TO USE GUNS IN PUBLIC

  • Steven M. Harries

    4. Banana peel. Always works,can get you high if you’re stuck in the 1970s, and good for laffs.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      First, peel 500 bananas…

      • Steven M. Harries

        Was Donovan paid off by the fascists at United Fruit?

        • SpideySenser

          That depends, are we talking Mellow Yellow here or Chase’s new girlfriend?

      • Suttree

        And sprinkle some nutmeg on it…….

  • Callyson

    “I made a decision in a split second,” the 46-year-old Clarkston woman told a judge. “Maybe it was not the right one, but I was trying to help.”

    Say, you know who else made a decision in a split second and was trying to help?

    • Steven M. Harries

      Hans Brinker?

    • ManchuCandidate

      https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/c/c2/Split_second_poster.jpg
      Rutger Hauer and he had a big fucking gun, too.

    • John Hinckley, Jr?

    • JustPixelz

      Dubya The Decider when he was helping his Halliburton buddies.

    • therblig

      Steve Bartman?

    • Little Lulu

      Brian Boitano?

    • calliecallie

      Typhoid Mary?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Look when Gozer said choose the form, I tried to think of the most harmless thing. Something I loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy us. Mr. Stay Puft!

      • Spotts1701

        Nice thinkin’, Ray.

    • toomanyrappers

      Dale Earnhardt?

    • Suttree

      Those 1000’s of killer cops?

    • SpideySenser

      Rick Blaine?

  • MsAnthropesMr

    “I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,” she said after her sentencing.

    Thank you judge. I think everyone appreciates this outcome.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    “Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez”

    We’re sorry, your name is too foreign to own guns. Please have a whiter name.

    • SpideySenser

      OMG! Right? That’s exactly what I was thinking. Also, too, are we now letting the womenfolk just get CCW permits? I mean what with all that willy-nilly PMS and only god knows what other emotional issues they exert.

    • Suttree

      Sounds like a Cuban commie to me.

  • JustPixelz

    This is what Mister Rogers had in mind when he told us to “look for the helpers”. He meant “Look out for the helpers! Get your asses down. There are helpers at large.”

    • calliecallie

      Can you say that?

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Mr. Rogers reaction to this helper:

    • Suttree

      And then Mr. Rogers got medieval on their asses.

  • “Sharpshooter” Superlative much?

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Actually, that’s a pretty medium grade for the Army.

      • Sharpshooter…with a handgun????

  • therblig

    Home Depot: More Aiming, More Shooting

  • ManchuCandidate

    “We need more people like Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez in our society,” he said.

    No we don’t.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    What is the opposite of “sharpshooter”?

    • ManchuCandidate

      Anyone not named Carlos Hathcock.

    • calliecallie

      Dullcatcher?

    • Spotts1701

      These guys?

      • A_Z_4

        The one on the left seems to have a broader build than what you would usually see.

    • Arse Grammatica

      Dullshooter

    • Any 55+ year old male…

      (just why the fuck the prostate keeps growing as we are shrinking is the first question I have at the pearly gates…)

    • BigBoppa

      A dulldribbler?

    • BigBoppa

      A lacklusterleaker?

    • John Smith

      Tatiana?

  • chicken thief

    Yosimite Sam shoots into crowds all the time and never harms anyone. Jes sayin….

    • Beezelbubbles

      Not to mention Stormtroopers.

  • Mavenmaven

    Now we’re going to see her on Fox news forever and ever.

    • Steven M. Harries

      O’Reilly better not steal her falafal loofah. Just sayin’.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    You know, I can’t rightly think of anything in the Home Depot that I would place similar value to a person’s life…

    • BadKitty904

      Well, they do have some pretty fab bird-feeders…

      • MsAnthropesMr

        And, I imagine, food bowls. You have a one track mind.

        • willi0000000

          bird feeders are food bowls for cats.

          [ i once found a friend scattering grass seed on the bare patches of his backyard and asked what he was doing because he hadn’t raked or otherwise loosened the soil . . . he said “feeding the cat” ]

        • BadKitty904

          I prefer to think of myself as being “focused,” thank you very much.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Hey, it’s not like lumber grows on trees you know.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      They have those huge, top-o-the-line stainless steel fridges that cost about $2000, but I seriously doubt the perp was sprinting out the door with one of those.

  • chicken thief

    “I bought this gun and have been lugging the fucker around for months now just hoping to get a chance to shoot some asshole, but when the day finally came the judge got all pissy about it. I WANT MY FREEDUMZ BACK!!!”

    ~ Tatiana

  • RoyalUglyDude

    If you really want to “help” someone at Home Depot, then tell me where I can find the faucet stems. I can’t find them in the plumbing aisle or the bathroom aisle. WHERE are the GODDDAM faucet stems?

    • willi0000000

      they’re at the hardware store . . . and there’s a guy behind the counter that won’t let you leave with the wrong part or without the proper tools if you don’t already have them and will tell you about that manufacturer’s tendency to produce parts that break just-so.

      [ sorry . . . forgot there for a minute ]

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Or a local plumbing supply place – he or she will have the right part in stock as well, not a “universal fit” replacement. Also, they will be located in a funky part of town where you can get Chicarrones and Yucca (at least in my neck of the woods) and burp up pork skins the rest of the day.

        • Suttree

          There’s generally a strip club close by too. Or so a friend told me once.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Yep – it’s about two blocks away, actually, they pool hall around the corner closed down about 3 years ago though.

          • Suttree

            Yup, I know that part of town pretty well.

          • Ho Depot?

          • Suttree

            That’s actually where the strip club is near where I’m at now. :) Classy joint, they’re always kicking everyone out.

          • theCryptofishist

            There’s a strip club about half a block from where I work. It’s about half a block from teh convention center, also, too. Probably unrelated.

          • Suttree

            Those leaders of industry are completely faithful husbands who would never abuse their expense accounts in the VIP room. Hahahhaha I couldn’t even type that without loling.

          • theCryptofishist

            Plus, there’s a free lunch, once you pay the cover charge.

          • Suttree

            Or the first lap dance.

    • FauxAntocles

      There’s no need to shoot – I’m sure we can work this out.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      In the stemware section, duh.

      • malsperanza

        Wait, they’re selling those at Home Depot now? I thought that kind of research was banned. Don’t tell Falwell; I doubt he could survive a Depot boycott.

    • Suttree

      Or a goddamn 1/4″-20 set screw! I went to four home dipshits once and none of them had any.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Hardware store! Or Fastenal – but then you have to buy 100 of them. I have about 99 8-32 cap screws after I needed 1 for a project.

        • Suttree

          Fastenal is great if you don’t mind taking a second mortgage out. Same with fucking Grainger.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Still cheaper than Lowes or Home Despot – and the quality of the hardware is not quite as shitty. For the home user, you don’t have a lot of choice. McMasterCarr if you’re not in a hurry, but again, very spendy – but you can order 1 screw at a time.

          • Suttree

            Mcmastercarr is where I’ve been ordering from through 4 different jobs over the past 15 years. You just need to plan ahead. Great selection and damn good servive reps. Fastenal and Grainger guys always seem pissed as soon as they see you walk through the door.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            I like ’em too. I always tell people that McMaster sells EVERYTHING – and they really do.
            Our local Fastenal guys are actually pretty good.
            Grainger? Forget it. Never.

          • theCryptofishist

            The only one of these stores I’ve heard of is Home Despot.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            I bought a 6″ socket wrench extension in my first and last visit to the local Fastenal store. The checkout clerk sort of blanched when I said, “Oh! So that’s why you don’t list the prices on the shelves.”

            That thing was easily double the price I would have paid at teh mom-n-pop hardware store down the street. (Or Home Depot)

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Oh shit – I’d NEVER as a consumer buy any tools there – just bolts and nuts. But when you need an 8-32 cap screw, black oxide, now, on a Tuesday morning, where else you gonna go in a mid sized town?

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Home Depot is considering replacing those little buttons that you push to get help in the various departments with a six shooter chained to the air so you can fire into the ceiling. The only problem with this plan is that in typical Home Depot fashion, the damn thing will always be out of bullets.

    • toomanyrappers
    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Just shoot in the general direction of aisle 15 and I can find it from there.

    • Michael Rush
      • RoyalUglyDude

        “Cleanup in Aisle 4”

  • Mavenmaven
    • Mr Corrections

      jesus fucking christ

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Hey, “good guys,” pls don’t do me any favors. My insurance company has got me covered. KTHX BAI

  • crunchyknee

    Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez sounds like a brown. Just saying.

  • Spotts1701

    It was pure chance that no one got hit, given she was firing towards an occupied structure. If she had hit someone in her attempt to be Dirty Harriet, would she show any remorse? My money says “nope”.

  • calliecallie

    As a resident of Michigan, I have to say that it truly pains me to read stories like this. I know that most of the people of Michigan are good folks who frequent Home Depot but know enough to keep their guns holstered.

    Really, what else can I say to this but, your move, Florida?

  • Home Depot jokes? Listen, you can buy all kinds of stuff to make bombs and stuf…

    Hang on, the FBI is knocking on my window

  • DahBoner

    I believe you have to think about what could have happened.”

    We were told there would be no THINKING.

    –Conservatives

    https://media1.giphy.com/media/ToMjGpN9s6Sk2D6Tt5e/200w_d.gif

  • stankbait

    They have to take classes and learn how to shoot a gun.
    Things like Ready Fire Aim. or something like that.

  • Thaumaturgist

    When your only tool is a hammer. . . . .

    • BadKitty904

      I think the problem here is that the tool was carrying a gun…

      • Msgr_Moment

        She left her nail gun at home.

      • Thaumaturgist

        You nailed it.

  • diogenez

    “I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,” she said after her sentencing.”

    I have to question how many lessons this idiot is capable of ever learning.

  • BadKitty904

    So, the lesson here is that stupid people with guns are more dangerous than stupid people without guns. Or something.

    • willi0000000

      it’s too soon to comment.

      • arglebargle

        Like those are allowed.

  • Suttree

    This is the kind of asshole who “helps” her mother down the stairs as soon as she convinces her to change the will. Fuck. Why won’t these people go to jail!!!????

  • calliecallie

    Home Depot in Michigan…I’m going to share the most non-PC, terrible mother story now. When he was in his pre-teens, my son and I had watched that Johnny Knoxville movie, The Ringer, where he pretends to be re-tah-ded so he can participate in the Special Olympics. Right after the movie we stopped at Home Depot so his dad could go and get a few items. Waiting in the car it truly seemed to us like every person going in and out of Home Depot that afternoon could have been a cast member from The Ringer, up to and including mr. calliecallie, who came out singing to himself and tripped or something. My son and I were falling over laughing. I am not mother-of-the-year material, but I fun to hang out with.

  • AnOuthouse

    “We need more people like Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez in our society” said a DEFENSE ATTORNEY. Of course defense attorneys need more criminals. Their kids got to eat.

  • Ryan Denniston
  • Latverian Diplomat

    I don’t believe any malice was involved in what you were doing

    I presume he was speaking about the specific legal meaning of “malice” here, because the actual English meaning is just “intent to do harm” and you don’t fire a gun at someone just to wish them a fond farewell.

    • arglebargle

      Exactly. How is this not attempted murder?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Murder in a good cause, I guess.

    • Lord-Nash

      No, in legal terms, ‘intent’ generally means knowledge or more specifically awareness that what you’re doing is wrong. She thought (incorrectly) that what she was doing was helping.

      • arglebargle

        Obligatory “You know who else thought they were helping?” post.

        • SpideySenser

          The cops at Jeff Dahmer’s Milwaukee apartment?

        • Msgr_Moment

          The Eugenics Movement?

  • Lord-Nash

    “Duva-Rodriguez fired her gun in the parking lot at the Joslyn Road store, flattening a tire on the thieves’ SUV”

    Definitive proof that good guys with guns can stop bad guys…that might have had gun…and who may or may not have shoplifted…several days later…by law enforcement personnel who probably would have found the bad guys without her shooting at said bad guys.

  • Relativicus

    “’I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,’ she said after her sentencing.”

    Clearly, Ms. Rodriguez understands the gravity of what she’d done. On the plus side, shooting into a crowd does demonstrate her fealty to America and freedom, so she’ll probably be put on Trump’s “Good Mexican” list and may be eligible to return to the United States. Some day, anyway.

    • toomanyrappers

      Republicans never help anybody, anyway.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …so I can turn the parking lot of my neighborhood big box into a scene out of the movie “Heat” and only get probation!!!
    http://45.media.tumblr.com/691f6b276862bf695e3e2e6756459694/tumblr_mzgyh89w2J1sr1lf3o5_400.gif

    • Anarchy Pony

      Every day is Grand Theft Auto Day in America!

    • Spotts1701

      Just remember to say when asked you thought you saw someone jaywalking and had to act.

      • Tokays_don’t_blink

        And just remember to be white when you do act.

  • exinkwretch

    “Gun control is being able to hit your target.” Failed that one, too, sister. Jerk her NRA card as well.

  • Because we should all want to live in a society where people earnestly believe that the penalty for shoplifting at Home Depot, or walking near a shoplifter at Home Depot, should be the death penalty.

    • Duke

      Pissy Mooslims just cut off hands. We’re bigger, tougher and smarter than that.

    • marxalot

      If “helping” means “delivering extrajudicial corporal or capital punishment,” I would honestly rather stick with the Home Despot ethos and do it myself.

      • theCryptofishist

        Just be sure to get to that class on Saturday at 10 to learn how.

    • Rick Hill

      Or maybe even shooting someone that was late for an appointment and stepped on someone’s foot as they were running out the store. People DO need to learn to be punctual.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Home Despot.

    • Lord-Nash

      Home Munitions Depot.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Old Yeller lives because she couldn’t put one between that sonovabitch’s eyes.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      He’s looking for the man that shot his paw.

    • Antimassacree

      A true son of a bitch if there ever was one.

  • dslindc

    More Shooting, More Dying!™

  • Brewerofbeers

    ““I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,” she said after her sentencing”

    Yeah, so no. You did not learn an actual lesson here, you whiny brat.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “See if I ever use my handgun to help an old lady across the street again!”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    “I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,” she said after her sentencing.

    She then added, “And I was planning to shoot up a soup kitchen over the holidays!”

  • Msgr_Moment

    “We need more people like Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez in our society,” he said.

    How can he say that? She didn’t even cull the herd.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      If he’s talking about people who aren’t allowed to own or carry guns, then yes we need many more. If only we didn’t have to wait until they fired shots into a crowd.

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

    C’mon. SHE WAS TRYING TO HELP.

    Think of the children, will’ya?

  • MrBlobfish

    If you want to have some fun, wear an orange shirt or jacket to Home Despot. Folks start asking you questions. I’ve sent people all over the store, just making sure I leave the premises quickly. In this day and age that may be a shootable offense.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The black polos I wear at work are just like the employee shirts at our local hardware/sporting goods/general store (except the logo is different, natch) and I find people coming up to me with questions when I’m there picking up nuts and bolts or buying rolls of trash bags. I like to think I’m usually as helpful as the folks getting paid to be there.

      • Rick Hill

        Before they started wearing vests at Lowes I would have people coming up to me and asking for help. I got pretty good at hiding my “Ayfkm look”

      • theCryptofishist

        For some reason, people have always asked me to help.

    • Antimassacree

      Your not helping is better than her helping.

  • marxalot

    Please stop helping.
    Please! Stop helping!

    • HogeyeGrex

  • jviscont1

    she seems more like a Target shopper.

  • damanoid

    People shooting into crowds without any clear idea of what is going on or why they are shooting at people is exactly what the Founding Fathers intended.

    • BadKitty904

      Yup. Text book definition of “well-regulated militia,” right there.

  • Kakkeltje

    The new most terrifying words: I have a gun and I am here to help.

  • Rick Hill

    “I was trying to help.”
    Most would have just gone with writing down the plate number or saying “They went thataway!”

    • The Wanderer

      “We’ll head ’em off at the pass!”

    • Angry_Cop

      I chased a shoplifter once. I made it three steps out the door before realizing “hey, if this fucker has a gun you are dead”. Most retail establishments have a policy in place (my store did and we were specifically told this multiple times so I have no excuse) stating explicitly “don’t chase shoplifters” for exactly that reason. If these dudes had shot back you could have had multiple bystander fatalities.

  • vivian

    Hmmm. Let’s see if I can remember this one:
    “The road to Hell is paved with…”
    oh now what was it again… trying to “help”?

    • Rick Hill

      Dead bodies of innocent bystanders?

    • Major_Major_Major

      Not sure either, but probably not asphalt. That shit turns to goo in high heat. Hope that helps.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Good guys with guns, always ready to make a bad situation worse.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’m sorry, ammosexuals by their very nature do not think about consequences of their actions. They are just like scorpions.

  • Billy Croissant

    When the gun-nutters finally get their ‘an armed society is a polite society’, I’m gonna move back to inner-city Detroit. At least the bangers take the time to look at who they’re shooting at. Mostly.

    • veska

      At the very least, they admit they don’t give a shit who gets hit in the crossfire, unlike the hypocritical ammosexuals.

      • ahughes798

        Very true. They don’t give a shit, and they’re poor marksman. I say give all gangstas marksmanship training, so there’ll be less collateral damage, anyway.

  • Zippy

    “Maybe it was not the right one, but I was trying to help.”

    THAT’S THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT, LADY!

    • JurisGal

      “maybe” – laughing & crying at her use of “maybe”

  • Rick Hill

    I just have an image of a modern day Gladys Kravitz here “Abner! Don’t just stand there, do something!” except she just did it herself. I blame feminism

  • Paperless Tiger

    Guess she shot a hole in the “good guy with a gun” theory.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I’ve learned my lesson, too. If I can’t discharge a firearm into a crowd of people at a Home Deport, I just won’t ever do anything nice for anyone ever again! How do you like that, libburls? [Pouty face, sniff, sniff.]

    • Rick Hill

      “I’ll just stand and watch a madman kill a hundred people with his gun and I won’t do anything but say “Not MY problem.” That’ll show you people.”

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        “I can’t wait until the next mass shooting in my town. I’m just going to point and laugh and say I told you so!”

    • Barley_Brains

      Whiny ass titty baby with a gun.

  • OddMan

    I have a social network friend that lives back East. She has a permit to carry and does. I have asked her why, and her answer is she is afraid of being attacked.
    She is a nice woman in her 40’s, a progressive, good job, lives in a nice section of town, and has never been attacked.
    But she is so afraid, she has to carry a damn gun.
    I don’t understand. I really don’t.

    • Angry_Cop

      I understand it just fine.

      1. She’s a woman, and women have legitimate concerns about being the victims of violence in a way that men don’t, and likely has been the victim of some sort of sexual violence in the past;
      2. She probably watches the piss-poor excuse that passes for “news” these days, and thinks society is like the running battle in Mad Max, with a complete lack of understanding of just how damn safe America really is these days. As has been the case for many decades here, the most likely way she’d die at the hands of someone else is in a car wreck. But good luck convincing a habitual news watcher of that.

      Her fear is legit, the causes of it aren’t.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Irresponsible, petulant, and unwilling/unable to consider consequences of potentially-fatal actions: what’s not to love?

    • BadKitty904

      Isn’t that the current GOP platform?

  • eddi

    Shoot / Don’t Shoot scenario training is the most difficult part of training a police officer. Obviously it doesn’t always work on them. How does anyone who is prepared to use a gun in public with no training in even basic firearms safety think they are possibly going to do anything except get someone hurt? It is sheer luck that this isn’t on the mass shooting list for today.

    • Oh sure, next you’re going to say arming all our school teachers (while cutting their pay and benefits) isn’t an excellent idea.
      ~

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Yeah let’s see how mean the kids are willing to be to the new substitute teacher when she’s packing heat.

        • JurisGal

          Well, the kids are gonna have guns too. Everybody wins!

          • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

            An armed class is a polite class.

          • theCryptofishist

            Not if I know 12 year olds.

          • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

            I hear you. I was aiming for irony there. Missed like the Home Depot gun lady . . .

          • theCryptofishist

            You’ve hit often enough in the past for you to feel confident that you’ll hit again.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        While good teachers have my awestruck respect, I’m afraid there is a large derp minority, and a smaller but significant megalomaniac minority in the profession. Guns + teachers = very bad idea.

      • aureolaborealis

        Hey, an armed learning environment is a quiet learning environment, what with all the dead kids and the imprisoned teachers.

    • Rick Hill

      I think the shoot/don’tshoot scenario is now: “How soon will I get another chance to shoot someone?”

      • eddi

        I’m afraid you’re right. Standards have gotten sloppy to non-existent. Usually due to budget cuts for training. Cheap guns are easy to find. Cheap training is dangerous.

    • aureolaborealis

      Hey, c’mon, man. She was a ‘sharpshooter,’ which I believe is one of the intermediate skill levels in the NRA marksmanship program. She probably has a pin or a patch or something on her shooting vest and everything.

      • eddi

        To paraphrase Bruce Lee. “Targets don’t shoot back.” The skills needed for fast reactions in a real situation can be learned. But I don’t think she had any real training.

      • chicken thief

        In the USMC there are three levels of qualification, low to high: Marksman, Sharpshooter, Expert (best).

        • Mintie

          Yes, but aren’t the USMC standards a lot stricter, which results in “Marksmen” being the equivalent of “Expert” at all the BS Mickey Mouse civilian gun clubs?

          • chicken thief

            It’s pretty easy to be a Marksman -if you hit the target. Not bullseyes mind you, just hit the target itself. I don’t know about gun club qualifications – they are likely all over the map.

        • theCryptofishist

          What about the girl scouts? Or the Young Pioneers?

    • eddi
  • artem1s

    Please and thank you. Don’t bother “helping” again. Also,too WTF HomeDepot? How many customers are you willing to drive away before you get with the ‘no guns on these premises’ program?

    • Swampgas_Man

      I don’t know about THIS Home Depot, but every retail store I worked. Period. said Thou Shalt NOT have gunz on the premises. Presumably she left it in her car, ran out to the parking lot, THEN shot at the bad guys.

  • beatbort

    Writing down the license plate number and then calling it in to the cops might be a more sensible strategy. Or, if it’s Wal Mart, fuck it, let ’em shoplift….

  • Antimassacree

    With mathematical certainty: When Fred Rogers encouraged us to “look for the helpers” he assumed they would not be action/reflection learners, as in Pew!!, Pew!!Pew!!…whoopsie.

  • SessileRaptor

    Presumably the scene that played out in her head was one where she shot the tires, the bad guys gave up and went to jail and she was lauded as a hero. When in reality even in that best case everyone would have still gone “WTF lady!” and she would have gotten in the same amount of trouble. This is because of one simple fact that these people refuse to comprehend. REAL LIFE IS NOT AN ACTION MOVIE!!

    • Angry and Short

      Many gun owners long for the day when they can be a hero and transcend their boring lives.

      • Wee Mousie

        And then they accidental shout someone, and guess what? There lives are filled with bloody horror, police brutality, public disapprobation, legal complications, money fines and possibly even incarceration. But at least their lives are no longer boring!

      • SessileRaptor

        I know I do, but then I go play D&D or another roleplaying game and get it out of my system.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Having trouble opening that can? I can help!

    • Angry and Short

      or turning off the lights

    • eddi

      Remember the TV show Sledge Hammer? “Trust me I know what I’m doing.”

      • chimichanga

        Classic -loved that show. Just found an old DVD of it that I forgot to return to Blockbuster.

        • Spotts1701

          What’s a “Blockbuster”?
          (I kid, I kid – I found my old rental card from there a couple years back while clearing out some old papers)

          • Playonwords

            I think it’s a British TV show Blockbusters

          • Last Hussar

            I’ll have a P please, Bob.

            Incidentally Bob Holdness was the first actor to portray James Bond 007

        • Bill Slider

          So, you’re the one that drove them into bankruptcy.

      • Tokays_don’t_blink

        “HAAAAMMMERRRR! Get in my office, right now!!!”

  • kindness

    The crazed shooting lady at least said she won’t be helping anyone any more.

    Thank the FSM for small miricles.

    • Mintie

      Yeah, I read that one as, “you won’t let me recklessly endanger the lives of strangers to stroke my own ego? Then I’m taking my toys and going home!”

      • Wee Mousie

        … where I can recklessly endanger the lives of my family and friends.

      • Except here she (thankfully) isn’t “taking her toys home.”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    The lesson here is one person can make a difference, but most of the time you probably shouldn’t.

    • JurisGal

      Indeed. The right people make a difference, so do the wrong ones.

  • Angry and Short

    I wonder if, in her head, she heard the them song to Starsky and Hutch?

    • JurisGal

      Darn it, I have to Google the theme or this will haunt me forever…
      I wonder if she did the old ‘roll and shoot’ like the TV actions heroes used to do. Or if she got down on one knee. So many questions. This should be a TV movie on the Sarah Palin channel.

    • theCryptofishist

      You don’t think she was in teh Soviet Union when that aired?

  • Angry_Cop

    I’d just like to point out here that nobody is a “sharpshooter” with a pistol.

    • Bill Slider

      That is correct. When I was in the Marine Corps, I was authorized to carry an M-16 and a .45. The gunnery officer told me the accurate range of my pistol was 25 feet. You would be better off to throw the weapon at you opponent, without loading it.

      • John Smith

        Anything more, you’re liable to miss. Anything less, you’re liable to have it taken away and shoved up your ass, sideways.

        • Wee Mousie

          And a pistol with a calibre large enough to knock down a man is just as liable to have a recoil that will knock you down, whether you hit your target or not.

          • Angry_Cop

            Naw. I have taught some tiny women to shoot 12 gauge shotgun. Recoil management is all about knowing how to hold your gun, and buying a decent one in the first place.

          • Wee Mousie

            And you think what? That Tatiana Duva-Rodriguez did either of those things before she took up her career of potting alleged shoplifters in Home Depot’s parking lot?

      • bookish

        So cowboy movies aren’t real?

        • Bill Slider

          Cowboy movies definitely are more real than what the Republican party is doing, whatever that is.

      • Angry_Cop

        My 22/45 is very accurate out to 50 feet, but it’s not exactly a manstopper. And I’m sure Lady ShootyMcPherson was probably trying to hit them from 200 feet away across a parking lot. I was floored to hear that she actually hit a tire. No way she was aiming at it.

        • Last Hussar

          Was it actually specified it was the suspects vehicle, and not one within 30 meters?

          My favourite gun quote comes from a crime novel about those snub nosed .38s US police used to carry.
          “[He knew] he would be lucky to hit a target on the other side of an elevator”

  • witsended

    British police are having a bumper year, having shot and killed their third person this morning. Think they are trying to make up for 2013 when they failed to kill anyone. This brings the running total since 2010 to eight.

    http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2015/dec/11/police-shoot-man-intelligence-led-operation-north-london

    • mardam422

      We must have better police…or something.

      • Grokenstein

        MURIKAZ NUBBER WUN!!!5!

    • D_C_Wilson

      Whereas in America, the police shooting only eight people is called a “slow weekend.”

    • Goposaur

      USA! USA! USA! Send us more people to shoot, bomb, incarcerate and teach abstinence only sex-ed.

  • onedollarjuana

    Good gal with a gun … what could go wrong?

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Oh so many things. Unfortunately in this case it didn’t involve a bra holster self injury.

      • Wee Mousie

        I’m waiting for a gunhumper with man-boobs who shoots himself in the tit.

        I really want to see the headline, “Useless tit shoots of useless tit.”

  • Mickey Donovan

    WTF could you steal from the Home Despot to deserve a death sentence anyway?

    • mardam422

      I don’t know…I kinda like those cool pliers with the locking grips.

    • Wee Mousie

      Brita Filters. Nothing is more important than pure water.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What color is your skin?

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    The stupid, it burns. (How the fuck do these people walk and breath at the same time?)

    • mardam422

      They don’t. They walk around and shoot.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Eats, shoots, and leaves.

        • JurisGal

          This made me smile.

    • John Smith

      They don’t. Rascal scooters.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Mobility scooters are one of the best things ever for people who would otherwise be unable to get out and about, and you can’t tell the state of a persons health by looking at them.

        • John Smith

          No offense intended, just snark.

          Mea Culpa.

          • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

            ‘Sokay, its just that scooter user trashing has become shorthand for ” lazy, ignorant and a bit nuts” When, really, along with wheeled walkers with a seat, life changing for people. “We are all just temporarily able bodied”

          • John Smith

            I agree, I was mainly snarking on the average age of wing nut voters.

            My father was in a scooter, and I’m headed for one myself, between the COPD from the welding shop and the athletes knees 30 years later.

            Once again, no offense intended.

          • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

            I live in weird little bubble of progressive elderly lefties. My Dad didn’t even get any pushback for his white poppy in his seniors home.

          • laineypc

            It took us a long time to convince my mama to use one because of her pride and fear she would roll over someone. Now she is an ace driver and 90 and doin’ her thang that she do.

          • Rick Hill

            I thought it was because a large part of the teabagging crowd got theirs with medicare assistance and then went to complain about entitlement programs.

          • theCryptofishist

            Well, I’m not, any more. Of course, I could still become even less so.

    • Wee Mousie

      I’m more interested in how they pass gun checks.

      Oh! Oh! I know. No sanity check.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Sorry Tiny Tim. I see you dropped your crutch, but one time I shot into a crowd at Home Depot and swore I’d never help anyone again”

  • UnsaltedSinner

    So this is the person the phrase “You’re not helping” was invented for.

  • azeyote

    bullets ain’t nothin when law and order is at stake – actually if she shot at kids who steal cookies she could learn em young what America is all about – then we could get back to bombing the shit out of schools, hospitals, and everything else without these interruptions –

  • Creepoman

    Anyone else stuck humming along to the Squeeze song? “Tatiana, get your gun-un . . .”

  • BeliTsari

    Nobody’s INNOCENT! How do we now the other customers weren’t Syrian emigres?

  • whitroth

    She seems to have missed the class that cops allegedly get, that shoplifting is not a capital crime.

    If I’d been there, and she’d been shooting, she’d be facing a reckless endangerment lawsuit that took *EVERYTHING* from her, including all of her guns.

    mark

    • Last Hussar

      See my post of today about how she could be looking at attempted murder in the UK.

  • Wee Mousie

    Thankfully, where I live, more people (read 99.9% of civilians) would not have guns to stop Home Depot thieves, and by the time those few who have them had dragged their rifle or shotgun out of the trunk, found the bullets (or shells) to load their weapon before the miscreant had made his getaway, an all points bulletin could be put out and the fellow caught.

    Except for a small contingent of wingnuts in Alberta, a number nearly indistinguishable from zero, would think such an enterprise was worth performing.

  • gunnergoz

    See – you have to not only stand your ground, you have to stand the other guy’s ground for him too. Its the law!

    • Objectifer

      And Home Depot’s ground.

      • longtail

        Corporations are people.

        • Last Hussar

          Never bought me a beer though.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Why would anybody shoot at a shoplifter? Oh wait . . . never mind.
    http://media.clickondetroit.com/photo/2015/12/01/Anthony-Harris-jpg_872858_ver1.0.jpg

  • bookish

    Hard to choose a winner today, what with the peed-on corrupt priest and this damn fool. I miss crazy, cranky Opal, who didna hurt nobody.

  • ViveLaRes

    Like dead bodies and spent ammo, the reasons to shop online keep piling up.

  • TheBidenator

    The logic is failing so badly it’s causing an aneurysm….uh lady, you shot INTO A CROWDED PARKING LOT. Even striking the tires could have unleashed bullet fragments that could have wounded innocent people and killed them…god our society is in the shitter when people like this do not understand what was wrong with discharging a weapon into a crowded area.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It is going to, unfortunately, take a few instances of the good guy with the gun doing just that and taking out a bunch of bystanders before people will begin to see that this is really not a good idea. And even then, there will always be the tree of liberty assholes, until of course, it is someone in their family who gets killed.

      People with years of training often make the wrong choice in a split second decision, wtf do people think those with no training are going to do?

      • damanoid

        Oddly enough, people who deploy the “tree of liberty” quote usually tend to leave out the part about the blood of patriots.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Ramboette.

  • Alex Grey

    They make a gun for people like this…

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person
      • Alex Grey

        That one would work to…

      • OctopiRage

        Pffft, like they’d want a revolver…

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    …Judge Julie Nicholson said: “I don’t
    believe any malice was involved in what you were doing,…”

    Read more at

    http://wonkette.com/596864/brave-ladys-guns-seized-for-shooting-into-crowd-how-is-that-even-fair#6w8yIde7DFuZMkTP.99

    “…but there was a metric fuckton of stupid.”
    Missed her chance to be Judge of the Century by not saying that, she did…

  • YayConspiracy

    So she helps by shooting into a crowd, and when she is told that is not a good idea, she sulks and says: ‘I’ll never help anybody again. There, happy?’

  • Takoma DC

    Just as the meaning of platonic transformed over time, the definition of to help or helping, has changed drastically over the decades, as well too also.

    Another example: http://www.rawstory.com/2015/12/cop-escapes-charges-for-bashing-in-womans-face-because-he-was-protecting-her/

  • JurisGal

    ““I tried to help, and I learned my lesson that I will never help anybody again,” she said after her sentencing.”

    Yep, I’d say she’s learned all she can.

    • Last Hussar

      Yeah, because fuck making sure you take the vehicle’s registration, get a good look at the suspect, of if at hand use your camera phone for later police identification. How is that helping?

  • Me not sure

    What the fuck does one steal from a Home Depot, a toilet, lumber, a door? I say go for a jewelery store or a bank.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      A stack of orange buckets?

      • Me not sure

        Now yer talkin’!

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Whenever I steal them, I always remind myself that they are worth dying for…just in case I encounter a Patriot.

          • Me not sure

            They should make them out of kevlar. That would be a big selling (stealing?) point.

    • blaid droog

      Years and years ago I made an honest tax free living from shoplifting. Put on a nice suit, look well groomed and jewelry and other high end small valuables were yours for the taking. Banks? You gotta be fucking kidding. They were the first businesses to use cameras and alarms. Plus armed guards, cash was inaccessible and five dollars or five thou, instant federal crime.

      • Me not sure

        Thanks?

  • Grokenstein

    I couldn’t decide whether to reference Rorschach or Yosemite Sam, so…why not both?

    “The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout ‘Save us!’…and I’ll look down and whisper ‘No.’”

    “Ah’m Yosemite Sam! The rootin’est, tootin’est shootin’est hombre this sahd of the Pecos!!”

  • laineypc

    Looks like the sharpshooting skills get a little altered in the adrenaline-fueled real life situation. Lucky for everyone.

  • ryp

    I dunno, I think I’d rather have a civilian with the marksmanship to shoot out tires on a moving vehicle on the scene, than a uniformed officer popping off at a random young black dude with a screwdriver in his hand.

    • I wouldn’t. Shooting at the tires is a stupid thing to do. Because there are these things called wheels, that are made of metal and make things ricochet.

    • damanoid

      I’d rather have no gunplay at the Home Depot? Seriously, for most of my life this was not even a thing that needed to be discussed or negotiated? Let the shoplifter take the damn screwdriver, for God’s sake. I will pay to replace that Makita drill if my only other choice is a hail of bullets.

      This woman is just lucky a police officer didn’t see her draw her gun, assume that she was an accomplice to the theft, and shoot her down before he realized she was white.

      • blaid droog

        Now see, your last paragraph is the tragi-comedy that is almost always missing from stories like this one. Self sacrificing good deeds gone awry. She could have been a martyr for the nra and all she is now is a bitter gunless schmuck.

    • Gorillionaire

      Shooting at tires in this situation is extraordinarily stupid. Bullets don’t vaporize after they hit the tire – they keep going and hit metal.

      • longtail

        She’s lucky some poor slob in the parking lot didn’t think he was under attack and pull the bazooka out of the trunk.

  • Cranky Man

    She should have just yelled, “they hate trump”.

  • IronPyrite

    We have to destroy the crowd, in order to save it.

    (sorry, couldn’t resist)

  • tehbaddr

    I don’t blame her, I hate the crowds at the Home Depot also.

    • longtail

      I always prefer to shoot up Staples, they have really bad customer service.

      • theCryptofishist

        And that fading whiff of Eau de Mitt.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    “Put your leg out and trip the fleeing person as if you are in a bad sitcom?”
    I totally did this to a mugger once. He stumbled, but didn’t actually fall down. I felt bad for the guy he just mugged, but later I realized I was dumb for doing it, because I could have gotten hurt.

  • Last Hussar

    In Britain that could have easily been “Attempted assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm”, or even attempted murder (both under the Offences against the person act, 1861). It would be nothing to do with the 2nd amendment (though use of fire arm, even if legally held would be an aggravating factor), and all to do with excessive force.

    Was there a direct threat to life and limb? No. He was fleeing. Therefore trying to kill someone (and if you are firing a gun at them on purpose you are trying to kill someone) is excessive force.

    A few years ago a man chased a burglar down the street and beat him to death with a cricket bat. Found guilty of Murder. He isn’t as famous as Tony Martin, probably because he is Asian (sub-continent Asian). Tony Martin shot a burglar with a legally held shot gun as the burglar attempted to flee, and his murder conviction became a cause celebre, with people saying just because you shot someone it the back doesn’t mean they didn’t have it coming as it was only a Traveller burgler, and he had it coming for being a criminal. Later reduced to Manslaughter on grounds of diminished responsibility ( diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder exacerbated by depression and that his paranoia was specifically directed at anyone intruding into his home.)

    Shooting shoplifters, when you are a member of the public…

  • Goofy

    Fucking republicans She stole the gun from her brother Hector who is in the country illegally I say take the gun and deport both of them. One gun at a time we can take them off the streets

  • NorthStarSpanx

    She won’t help again? Well, that will learn us!

  • Drakefire

    … Someone could have died, you know that right? If I was the Judge, she would be in jail.

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