Oh, that Michelle Obama is at it again! She has been the scourge of wingnuts for years now, saying they should be healthy and drink water and eat vegetables instead of whatever cheesy fried butt lard they usually eat. And in that fight, she has had the utter gall to use hippity-hop rap music, which, as Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity have explained to us, is low-class and Kids These Days.

Now she’s using her nasty-ass rhythms and rhymes to brainwash the children into going to college. Check out MC Freak Nasty FLOTUS, along with her pal Jay Pharoah from “Saturday Night Live”:

The Washington Post says, “We will go so far as to say that she is probably the only first lady to have rapped — in public, at the very least.” Wonkette rejects that notion and chooses to speculate wildly that Barbara Bush drops wicked beats in her sleep about how bad Jeb Sucks, or maybe about rough sex with foreign dignitaries in the Lincoln Bedroom, we do not know how she spent those four years in the White House.

We should note that if you’re the type of person who enjoys spending all day on Twitter when it’s beautiful and you should be PLAYING OUTSIDE, you may tweeter out your own #FlotusBars, which are reportedly lyrics rapped by Jay-Z or maybe Fitty, but with the words changed to more accurately reflect something Michelle Obama might say. So, you could take “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” and change that to “I got 99 problems and THEY ARE ALL ABOUT HOW BARACK FARTS IN THE BED AND DUTCH OVENS ME NIGHTLY.” Or maybe something different.

We don’t know if Justice Scalia has seen Michelle’s latest jam, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say he would be very disturbed by her using rap to encourage kids to go to college, since according to him, young The Blacks aren’t smart enough for real college. Fuck Antonin Scalia for that, by the way.

Man, Michelle Obama is so great. We are going to be so sad when she is not the queen of planet earth anymore.

[Washington Post]


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  • elviouslyqueer

    I’m breaking out the mop and the bleach and have Roto-Rooter on speed dial in anticipation of the multiple shitfits the wingnuts are about to have over this.

    • Vecciojohn

      And sighs of sorrow were heard throughout the land as the Black Jezebel befouled the airwaves with her voodoo jungle rhythms.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      We’re going to need a small front-loader for this one.

      • Beaumarchais?

        David Vitter on line 2…

      • Whale Chowder

        A PoopCat?

    • BearGHAZI is now accepting donations of ‘clutching-pearls.’

  • cousin itt

    Can I ask nicely that FLOTUS run for the Senate from Illinois, New York or Hawaii in 2018? All three during Barack’s third term maybe?

    • Vecciojohn

      We are unanimous!

    • Left Coast Tom

      Maybe she wants to move to California and run in 2018, hoping Feinstein doesn’t want to run for re-election.

    • artem1s

      She’s a lawyer. gonna be spots on SCOTUS to fill. Notorious RBG and Michelle. great tag team.

  • nightmoth

    Gawd–I love that woman!

  • MissNomer

    Cheesy fried butt lard is quite delicious when it is made correctly from locally-sourced free-range pastured pork, grass-fed cow milk cheese, and organic hemp oil.

  • Marceline

    The Obamas are both completely out of fucks to give and it’s glorious.

    • Well they gave out WAY too many over these all these years and it’s time that they started taking some back.

  • cousin itt

    We don’t know if Justice Scalia has seen Michelle’s latest jam

    Her blahberry jam is cool, you can dip just about any cracker in it and he’ll just soak up all that sweet blah juice.

  • Vecciojohn

    Don’t get me started on the things Scalia should be fucked for or we’ll be here all day.

  • dslindc

    I saw a video of FLOTUS rapping on the Internet, so it must be true!

  • Joe Beese

    OK, she can drop science. But can she post come-hitherly in a metal bikini for an Eastern European laddie mag?

    • Angry and Short

      Which country is she from and do I need to get shots?

    • DemmeFatale

      You were just looking for an excuse to post this, weren’t you Joe?
      (Is that thing bullet-proof?)

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    The only thing that eases the pain of knowing First Lady Michelle Obama (PBUH) will be leaving the White House soon is realizing that First Mr. Former President Gentleman Bill “Big Dog” Clinton will be heading back to it at the same time.

    • Joe Beese

      If First Spouse freestyle skillz are what we need, let Bill and Heather Cruz thow down in a rap battle to be televised before the first Presidential debate.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I sure hope they don’t get whiplash claiming it’s undignified and denigrating to the Presidency, so soon after two FOX folks got spanked for literally denigrating the President.

    • Squirrel_t_robot

      Worry not! And keep that neck brace out.

  • beatbort

    Here’s my rap:
    “Uh, whenever I hear Mr. Donald D. Trump
    I run to the john and serve me up a dump.”
    That’s all I got.

  • Joe Beese

    “When I’m under stress
    And wanna escape
    I drop sick rhymes
    on my Whitey Tape”

  • Joe Beese

    Please Pray for Malia and Sasha in This Difficult Time of Mom Embarrassment

  • arglebargle

    Antonin Scalia anagram = Anal inactions

    Sorry the gehys, he’s just not that into you.

    • The Wanderer

      I’d be worried if they were that into him.

  • The Wanderer

    Wait a gosh-darned minute! Cheesy fried butt lard is BAD for you!? What will I eat during feetball matches this weekend?

  • DahBoner

    Shit, that’s some nice mellow EZ Listening rap, FLOTUS but this is some real badass shit made by a actual GANGSTER:

  • Toomush_Infer

    Where she flips out at the end – that is My Flotus beyond Flotus – there will never be another Flotus like her, move over Eleanor….

    • willi0000000

      close . . . but for this i will always have a special place for Eleanor

      “I have spent many years of my life in opposition and I rather like the role.”
      – Eleanor Roosevelt

  • Bill Slider

    I look forward, not really, to Mrs Ben Carson doing gansta rsp.

    • Angry and Short

      His hand can sing?

  • JMP

    It’s time for Rick Santorum to get upset too, since he knows kids going to college is awful as they sometimes actually end up learning things that contradict what their parents told them, and may even end up growing up and developing their own religious and political beliefs instead of just parroting their parents’, which according to little Ricky is somehow a bad thing.

    • Beaumarchais?


      • cousin itt


    • I know it’s where i learned to gay-marry my dog (ok, ok, it was an applied theory to gay-marry my dog, but still…)

  • Ambignostic

    If you din go back to school this year, you’re really not groovy.

    • JaaaaaCeeeee

      some actual, bonafide Otis rap at the end there, new to me, starting around 46 seconds, thank you!

    • Beaumarchais?

      I miss Otis when I think of what we never got to hear.

      • SpideySenser

        It’s a goddamn shame.

    • Jenny

      This should be played like, everyday.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    First, eat your vegetables, then go to college. Thug.

  • Sheepshagger

    Aerobics- how the fuck do they work?

  • Angry and Short

    When will Buzzfeed publish their article on “Black People who Shouldn’t Rap?”

  • azeyote

    shouldn’t she be showing the kiddies some gun skills, and IED making for their doomed future – also a few end of days survival tips –

  • BearGHAZI

    She should have twerked. But the Obamas are out-of-touch elitists so, whatever

  • jviscont1

    Michelle 2016. Fox wouldn’t have to retrain the talent or change chyrons for at least 4 more years

    • willi0000000


  • So, you could take “I got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one” and change that to “I got 99 problems and THEY ARE ALL ABOUT HOW BARACK FARTS IN THE BED AND DUTCH OVENS ME NIGHTLY.”
    Here’s the thing, guys…that neither rhymes nor fits the meter. *Do* make an effort, won’t you?

    • Joe Beese

      Barack does fart in bed. But it smells like Hope.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Like you would know…

  • “We will go so far as to say that she is probably the only first lady to have rapped — in public, at the very least.”
    Trying to think of former FLOTUS MC names. So far I have: The Eleanor RZAvelt.
    You lot have a go at it.

    • Joe Beese

      Roz C

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Iced Byrd

      • mailman27

        L Byr Jo?

    • Cindyinencinitas

      Jacquay Jizzle Kay Oh

      • Draco


    • Enfant Terrible

      Mamie I-zon?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Dolly Mad

    • Ricky Gay

      Tipper G and the SCOTUS robbed Me

    • sw19womble

      Jane Means “Business” Pierce

    • sw19womble

      MC McKee: aka Mazy Mary

    • sw19womble

      “Flow Hard” Florence Harding

    • artem1s

      E-Death AKA Edith Bolling Galt Wilson

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Awesome pic of MC Li’l Bamz at the top. DEFinitely looks like she would cut a bitch. $arah?

  • LoveSW_Prequels

    “to have rapped”
    Lol newb statement

  • boll ocks

    The day that the first lady had more street cred than the wutang clan

  • SpideySenser

    you should be PLAYING OUTSIDE. Because it is so unhealthy and bad for you. Let’s go to McDonald’s.

  • psychobroad

    OMG I keep thinking I can’t love her anymore than I do and she keeps proving me wrong! I LOVE YOU MRS. OBAMZ!!!!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Is she even a natural-born citizen?” – The next controversy, I’m betting.

    • Robbie

      I think she was born in a zoo. The gorilla exhibit.

      • Takoma DC

        Oh you poor dear. You got lost again.

        You’re looking for:

        Now you go along and play with your fiends. Go on now.

      • devilham

        that’s not racist at all

        fucking racist

  • Takoma DC

    Scalia doesn’t know twitter to a tweet from jiggery pokery.

  • Hah! She can’t compare to the harc0r3 thugz of the Republican party. (And rumor has it that Nancy Reagan was the OG hoochie-mama on the block.)

  • Robbie

    What an embarrassment.

    • Playonwords

      Yup, you are

      • Robbie

        You are an idiot. You don’t even know who I am. You dumb pos troll.

        • Playonwords

          Lover of George Zimmerman is what I saw. The photo at the top of this article from Wonkette should get you really hot

        • Takoma DC

          No we don’t know who you are but we do know what you stand for. That’s all we need to know.

  • Takoma DC

    Whoever is our next First Lady has a tough act to follow. Michelle Obama is amazing!

  • thirdeblue

    I liked it better when the First Lady just slapped the White House staff for not knowing the difference between a salad fork and a dessert fork.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    How DARE! Michele Obama tell the youth of our nation they shouldn’t be stupid. TYRANNY!

    • It’s America’s national pastime next to football!

  • Little Lulu

    Michelle is the best! Oh my GAWD!

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