In addition to shutting down mosques (that’s so October) and tracking every Muslim (that’s so Sunday), President Donald Trump is gonna straight-up flat-out ban all Muslims from setting one Muslimy toe on the shores of his Great-Again America, right in their Muslim faces:
Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.
Now, don’t you go giving Trump the benefit of the doubt here, like some kind of moron, because Team Trump doesn’t want it:
When asked by The Hill whether that would include Muslim-American citizens currently abroad, Trump spokeswoman Hope Hicks replied over email: “Mr. Trump says, ‘everyone.'”
Mr. Trump has not provided any specifics yet of whether and how he will decide which Muslim-American citizens he will eventually allow to return to their own country, of America. Perhaps they’ll have to get in line in Mexico, behind all the legal Latino immigrants he plans to deport, who will be ushered through his beautiful door in his beautiful wall — once he finishes vetting them personally — because “we want the legals to come back into the country.”
Or maybe fuck the Muslims, they’re worse than Mexicans! Someone’s doing the jihad, after all.
On Tuesday, he further explained that his No Muslims policy is basic “common sense.” He told CNN, “I know what has to be done, and we don’t want to have a situation like Paris. And we don’t want to have another World Trade Center.” Thus, no Muslims — including American citizens — allowed into America.
Is this the Trumpiest Trump that Trump ever Trumped? Who can even tell anymore? At least it has provided his rivals another glorious moment to pretend they are not JUST AS BAD AS TRUMP, but with less charisma.
Hinged and Serious One Jeb! Bush is quite offended by Trump suggesting we should keep out the Muslims, which is entirely different from Jeb’s plan to only accept Christian refugees, who are inherently good and harmless, bro, because Christian.
Ted Cruz also wants the record to reflect banning Muslims is not his policy, even though he too would like to let in only Christian foreigners, because he can personally vouch for every single one of them. They’re the good guys. Cruz is far more delicate about barely distancing himself from Trump, though, because maybe Mr. Trump will pick him for VP, pretty please.
Ben Carson, who has previously said he “would not advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of this nation” because a Muslim president would be unconstitutional, doesn’t support a religious test for entry into America. But it’s hard to give him credit for his moral superiority to Trump when he thinks there is a religious test for the Oval Office.
While we’re having the medals engraved for Cruz and Bush and Carson for feigning slightly more humanity than Donald Trump, we’ll pick up somethin’ nice for John “You know, the moderate one!” Kasich too:
Don’t forget to save some outrage, Gov. Kasich, for the divisive sombitch who suggested creating a new federal agency to spread “Judeo-Christian Western values” throughout Muslimland. You might have heard of him. His name is Gov. Kasich.
You’ll kindly forgive the fuck out of us if we are underwhelmed by the supposed difference between “Christians only” and “No Muslims.” Every single one of these dick-sneezes is overlooking that pesky, inconvenient thing at the top of the Bill of Rights. Surprising, given the weeping and whining Republicans have done this year about oppressed gay-hatin’ florists and the sanctity of Josh Duggar’s traditional marriage and poor jailed Kim Davis, the martyr of Rowan County, Kentucky.
But no. The Muslims are the enemy, and we must take all steps, however diplomatically the candidates may or may not want to describe them, to kick ’em out, keep ’em out, and force them to embrace our values. OR ELSE.
From Trump to Kasich and every also-ran in between, they are all wrong. There is no religious test to be an American, and the United States government cannot do religion to you. The Constitution says so. Full stop.