SHARE
The reason for the season.
The reason for the season.

Good Saturday morning, Wonkers! You are so much fatter than last time we saw you, but that’s OK, we are too. We hope your Thanksgiving was full of all the food you like, whether that’s buckets of fried turducken with ham and cheese frosting, or maybe you are a vegan and you eat organic free range sand on Thanksgiving, we are not certain. And now it is Saturday morning, and hopefully you didn’t trample anybody to death on Black Friday, because then you would be sad! And besides, you should be shopping from the comfort of your snuggie, at your Wonkette Gifte Shoppe!

So, would you like some things to read? Perhaps stories you might have missed? Something to share with your rightwing uncle, who is just OMG YOU CAN’T EVEN right now? Or maybe it’s just time for you to visit the john and drop your second official deuce of the Advent season, and you need something to pass the time. WHATEVER! Hope everything comes out all right.

Well, we have some Top Ten stories for you, but First Thing’s First, it is the War On Christmas season now, for official, which means yr Wonkette is requesting that you find it in your sexxxy heart to throw us some dollars, to feed the Wonkette children and the Wonkette babby and also the Wonkette Media EMPIRE! So click here and give us $5, $10, or $25, as a special Santa present! Remember, you can even use your Love Offering to give a special “just the tip” to me, yours truly, the “Evan” one, or to the “Kaili” one, or to the “Dok” one. Or you can make like the McDonald’s Happy Meal and COLLECT ALL THREE! (By which we mean “give all of us money.”)

2015-11-26 13.42.06

2015-11-26 13.42.07

 oh MAN you loved that so hard!
oh MAN you loved that so hard!

 

Oh no, we are going to have a bruise on our face from all the money you just threw at us! KEEP IT UP.

Okay, here is your weekend reading list, chosen as usual by the scientific method, except for how it doesn’t include things from Thursday or Friday, because we wrote this post a long time ago, when we were a little boy.

1. That Fox blonde chick Elisabeth Hasselbeck has SUDDENLY decided to quit her job to spend more time with her family. We think maybe she’s just tired of sitting next to Brian “The Rapey-Looking One” Kilmeade.

2. A poor, put-upon Topeka city councilman had to go to jail, and so did his wife, probably just because they gave their 16 children little love-swats when they misbehaved.

3. That Dilbert guy, Scott Adams, decided to be all gross about women again.

4. Sounds like that Topeka councilman and his wife homeschooled their kids REAL GOOD, when they weren’t beating them. (Allegedly.)

5. White dudes shoot up Black Lives Matter crowd. Minneapolis PD maces them. All lives matter, we guess!

6. Peggy Noonan SORELY disheartened by that Barack Obama, and by ISIS, and by all ne’er-do-well ruffians.

7. Did you hear about how dumb Millennials are this time? They don’t even believe Jesus rode dinosaurs all the time, PFFFFFFT.

8. Armed patriots save Texas from freedom of religion, HOORAY!

9. Pa Duggar teaches the menfolk how NOT to be gross perverts like his son Josh. SPOILER: His advice is still gross.

10. And finally, the TRUE reason for the season: David Vitter was trashed like a common soiled didy in the Louisiana gubernatorial election.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories for this short special holiday week.

Now you have one task left, and one task only. See that form below? PUT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IN IT RIGHT NOW. Because that is how we send you little surprise love notes, and also how we EAT YOUR SOUL. Don’t you wish Wonket had eated your soul already? Well if #JebCanFixIt, so can you. Sign up for the newsletter.

Anyway, bye now. We’ll see you again when it is Not A Holiday.

Love,

Wonket

[wysija_form id=”2″]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Spotts1701
    • Zippy

      They all bail as they mature- hence the current immature GOP base

      • willi0000000

        and many re-immature as they age.

        • Wee Mousie

          Re-immature, eh? I prefer the scientific term, “go ga-ga.”

    • Joshua Norton

      That’s OK. There’s always another 13 year old kid who’s ready to be proclaimed the next GOP wunderkind because they’re willing to stand up and read the wingnuts favorite talking points back to them.

      It’s when they turn 14 that reality starts to set in.

    • SnarkOff

      No snark: I fervently hope that the wingnuts don’t come after that boy.

      • arglebargle

        Operation False Flag Boy.

    • Enfant Terrible

      They grow up so fast.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Which is a good thing. The trouble is with the ones that never grow up, like Paul Ryan.

  • DerrickWildcat

    That baby human don’t know how terrible you are yet.

  • Painter of Goats

    Done tipping the tips. Can I haz autographed pic of Wonkbabby now?

    • rebecca

      the baby is five months old, she cannot write English yet!

      • Painter of Goats

        Neither many rightwing commenters. I’m not sure what the connection is either.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Speaking of David Brooks, just after writing an article in which he simultaneously whines and gloats about his $120,000 vacation ending with this doozy:

          Of course, we all have a responsibility to reduce inequality in our society. But maybe not every day.

          he follows up with a column bemoaning our lack of a sense of community. The last paragraph reads:

          All over the country there are schools and organizations trying to come up with new ways to cultivate character. The ones I’ve seen that do it best, so far, are those that cultivate intense, thick community. Most of the time character is not an individual accomplishment. It emerges through joined hearts and souls, and in groups.

          That guy!

          • CripesAmighty

            And guillotines…

          • TheoLib

            It takes a village?

          • Doug Langley

            You still read Babblin’ Brooks? I gave up years ago when I couldn’t take anymore of his fever dream gibberings.

          • SpideySenser

            If you want to cultivate intense, thick community I would strongly suggest NOT reading this guy Brooks. It sounds to propaganda-ish. I’m pretty sure the way to cultivating character is through critical thinking skills. The kind this guy doesn’t have.

      • Spotts1701

        But if she can’t write by now, she’ll never get into Vassar.

      • Zippy
      • arglebargle

        Slacker. Next thing you’re gonna tell us she’s on a food assistance program. Get a jerb!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Oh, but she does write Arabic, right?

      • riledupone

        What languages does she write? Just askin’.

      • Oh neither can any of the Palins, but that doesn’t stop them.

  • eddi

    Vitter Bitter Quitter.

  • Joshua Norton

    I heard one of the stupidest things to ever come out of a local news talking head’s mouth yesterday. They were reporting on how stores are getting a jump start on Black Friday by starting sales the day before. In fact they claimed retailers now refer to the day before “Black Friday” as “Gray Thursday”. It’s like they were totally clueless that the day already had a perfectly good name – “Thanksgiving”.

    • Msgr_Moment

      But the Grey Cup is not until tomorrow, eh?

      • The Wanderer

        Go Edmonton!

        • Msgr_Moment

          So, since Ottawa “are” no longer the Rough Riders, why didn’t they name them the Easy Riders?

          • Vienna Woods

            ANYTHING would be better than the Redblacks. Whaaat a stupid name.

          • Wee Mousie

            Well, if the Inuit have their way, another team will have to change their name, Expect the Edmonton Eskimos to become the Deadmonton Zombies..

          • sw19womble

            When I first heard that name, I thought it was some sort of prank.
            On a positive note, every time it hear “red-black”I think of a pack of mixed red vines and licorice. :p

          • mtn_philosoph

            Redgreen was already taken.

          • Mickey Donovan

            or the Lazy Riders?

      • glasspusher

        Fifty Shades of Shopping.

      • Wee Mousie

        With an extra ten yards on the field and only three downs, are you sure they’re not playing for the Gay Cup?

        • Msgr_Moment

          An extra ten yards?! Honey, does this metric system make my end zone look fat?

  • JoeChristmas

    #BlackFriday leads to #CopSaturday

  • Msgr_Moment

    Oh no, we are going to have a bruise on our face from all the money you just threw at us! KEEP IT UP.

    Why you no like when I make it rain with quarters?

    • Enfant Terrible

      Did you take the quarters out of the wrapper first?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      The bruise on *my* face is the result of the strain after giant smile from Wonkette Babby picture viewing. Shoulda stretched those facial muscles first. Ouch.

      • witsended

        No jokes about bruised faces.
        Took 4 year old granddaughter to Asda (Walmart) this am.
        As she was giving love and hugs to a large stone reindeer she slipped, smacked her face off it and now has a massive black eye.
        The staff provided ice and told her to choose a bag of sweets off a large display, the prices of the bags went up to about $15.00.
        Granddaughter picked a 15 cent bag because she liked the picture on the front and was happy.
        I then had a two hour ear bashing from daughter for not getting her to pick a more expensive bag, not for the young one looking like a defeated boxer.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          Aw, poor kid. I hope she heals quickly. I do like that she as drawn to the product that made her happiest due to the artwork, rather than its crass capitalist monetary value.

          • sw19womble

            Spiritual values FTW!

      • Carly Fiorina tried doing that once, in case you were wondering what that creaking and cracking sound was.

    • JohnBull

      So you were one of those rich men in zeppelins dropping coins on people?

      • Msgr_Moment

        You must have me dazed and confused with someone else.

      • RoyalUglyDude

        No quarters. There must be a communication breakdown.

      • sw19womble

        Nobody’s fault but mine.

  • Yr. Gma

    Dear god, that child is beautiful!

    • Gristle McThornbody

      I know, right? And if the photographs we’ve seen are of the true journalism, factoid variety, she’s only cried ONCE since she was born. Too bad I’m an old, she almost makes me want to have one.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Aw geeze Trix & Shy, great pictures of Mom and Babby.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …well how could your ABG not donate $50 for that gorgeous babby?!?!?

  • Kevin Talmadge

    Hey Wonker! Just because vegans don’t eat Breaded Baked Coronary doesn’t mean we eat sand… Well, maybe a little if we don’t wash the veggies thoroughly… But how thoroughly do hippies wash anyway right?

    • Doug Langley

      Old Doonesbury strip where Zonker is fixing dinner: “Maybe, but it’s CLEAN dirt!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Oh, those Donna Rose pics are to die for. Mom isn’t exactly non-photogenic, either.

  • berkeleyfarm

    Hello, Donna
    Well, hello, Donna
    It’s so nice to see you back where you belong

    You’re lookin’ swell, Donna
    I can tell, Donna
    You’re still glowin’, you’re still crowin’, you’re still going strong

  • chascates

    I still need to deposit $8 in my bank to start the ‘ad-free Wonkette’ beta but if I had the money I’d send these presents to Eye Socket, Montana (or wherever they are):

    “I Was a Red Diaper Baby” Two-Tone Coffee Mug
    Karl Marx Said there’d be Days like This! BooginHead Pacifier
    Tales for Little Rebels: A Collection of Radical Children’s Literature
    Little Red Songbook 38th Edition

    • eggsacklywright

      “The Little Commie That Could”

      “Charlotte’s Commune”

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      Don’t worry–I bet Donna Rose can explain the hell out of the labor theory of value already.

    • theCryptofishist

      Love the washboard.

  • eggsacklywright

    Babby looks like Christmas ormanent.

  • Thepeoplevs.

    ¡sqooq wow

  • thenearesthippie

    ZOMG!!!! How can Wonkette Babby be so cute?! I can’t even!!!

  • lynchzilla

    Of Yeah, the Wonkette Babby is as pretty as Commie Mom. Please Editrix, no smoking around the little one, go outside like my daughter does.

  • Ä Ğrümpy Çät

    I CAN’T EVEN READ ANYTHING BECAUSE I AM SO ANGRY ABOUT – omg babby pics melting into puddle of happy goo now.

  • JohnR

    Got my truck running, so that’s good, totally unrelated but good.

  • doktorzoom

    Donna Rose: Welcome to the Jingle

  • Mormos

    What do you do if you are “drunk liberal uncle” in a right-wing family?

    • DrV57

      You find your own drunk liberal family of choice. Now adopting new relatives!

    • handyhippie65

      well, “stoner liberal uncle”, just shows up late to make an entrance, eats a lot, hangs out with the young’ins, and laughs at the churchy old people, when it is pointed out they are dying off faster than they are being replaced, and soon we will all be “stoner liberals”. then take a nap while they watch football.

    • blaid droog

      Shoot the rest of the mofos.it’s ok with roberts alito scalia and scalias little wind up drum playing monkey

      • blaid droog

        Shoot the mofos.it’s ok with roberts alito the overblown pig scalia and his little wind up drum playing monkey.

  • Sterculius

    Cute babby, nice t … um. cute babby.

  • mtn_philosoph

    Or maybe it’s just time for you to visit the john and drop your second official deuce of the Advent season, and you need something to pass the time. WHATEVER! Hope everything comes out all right.

    Thank you for asking!

  • Me not sure

    Christmas is coming,
    The geese are getting fat.
    Please drop a penny in Wonkette’s hat.
    If you haven’t got a penny, a ha’penny will do.
    If you haven’t got a ha’penny
    Then God bless you.

    Trad.

  • handyhippie65

    “free range sand” i bout coughed up a lung on that one. though, that ham and cheese frosting thing sounds awesome.

  • blaid droog

    I am sorry the Wonkebago will never make it to my little part of the redland stix, that florida correspondent takes such pleasure in mocking. I could take to you eateries that you would never forget. Show you beaches and national parks that still look as they did before that turd colombo ever arrived. You could meet some of my relatives that walked across the Bering-Strait. Shamefully, I admit you could meet some of my relatives that owned people of other races. They didn’t all grown cotton. Several thousand square miles were devoted to citrus. When you move your yankee asses to Mandarin or nocotee or any usurped Native American property, those mosquito infested “lake front properties” were meant to drain swamps to grow oranges. Never forget when you poodle is eaten by a gator, you and your yappy little mutt are the invaders here. Go farther south and your fucking mutt will be eaten by Pythons. Another invader the assholes in Tallahassee didn”t see coming. But do take pleasure in knowing that your turkey can actually be a bird born and raised in Florida.With climate change that Canadian Goose could be a product of north Florida too. There are thousands of them living in the lake front swamp retention ponds. Actually why ddon’t you fucking fly over rust belt state denizens just stay where you are. We Floridians don’t need outside help fucking up our state.

Previous article3 Killed In Terrorist Attack On Planned Parenthood; Let’s Ban Islam Just To Be Safe
Next articleHot And Saucy Potato Pancakes With Applesauce, Because You’re Hot And Saucy