Good Saturday morning, Wonkers! You are so much fatter than last time we saw you, but that’s OK, we are too. We hope your Thanksgiving was full of all the food you like, whether that’s buckets of fried turducken with ham and cheese frosting, or maybe you are a vegan and you eat organic free range sand on Thanksgiving, we are not certain. And now it is Saturday morning, and hopefully you didn’t trample anybody to death on Black Friday, because then you would be sad! And besides, you should be shopping from the comfort of your snuggie, at your Wonkette Gifte Shoppe!
So, would you like some things to read? Perhaps stories you might have missed? Something to share with your rightwing uncle, who is just OMG YOU CAN’T EVEN right now? Or maybe it’s just time for you to visit the john and drop your second official deuce of the Advent season, and you need something to pass the time. WHATEVER! Hope everything comes out all right.
Well, we have some Top Ten stories for you, but First Thing’s First, it is the War On Christmas season now, for official, which means yr Wonkette is requesting that you find it in your sexxxy heart to throw us some dollars, to feed the Wonkette children and the Wonkette babby and also the Wonkette Media EMPIRE! So click here and give us $5, $10, or $25, as a special Santa present! Remember, you can even use your Love Offering to give a special “just the tip” to me, yours truly, the “Evan” one, or to the “Kaili” one, or to the “Dok” one. Or you can make like the McDonald’s Happy Meal and COLLECT ALL THREE! (By which we mean “give all of us money.”)
Oh no, we are going to have a bruise on our face from all the money you just threw at us! KEEP IT UP.
Okay, here is your weekend reading list, chosen as usual by the scientific method, except for how it doesn’t include things from Thursday or Friday, because we wrote this post a long time ago, when we were a little boy.
1. That Fox blonde chick Elisabeth Hasselbeck has SUDDENLY decided to quit her job to spend more time with her family. We think maybe she’s just tired of sitting next to Brian “The Rapey-Looking One” Kilmeade.
2. A poor, put-upon Topeka city councilman had to go to jail, and so did his wife, probably just because they gave their 16 children little love-swats when they misbehaved.
3. That Dilbert guy, Scott Adams, decided to be all gross about women again.
4. Sounds like that Topeka councilman and his wife homeschooled their kids REAL GOOD, when they weren’t beating them. (Allegedly.)
5. White dudes shoot up Black Lives Matter crowd. Minneapolis PD maces them. All lives matter, we guess!
6. Peggy Noonan SORELY disheartened by that Barack Obama, and by ISIS, and by all ne’er-do-well ruffians.
7. Did you hear about how dumb Millennials are this time? They don’t even believe Jesus rode dinosaurs all the time, PFFFFFFT.
8. Armed patriots save Texas from freedom of religion, HOORAY!
9. Pa Duggar teaches the menfolk how NOT to be gross perverts like his son Josh. SPOILER: His advice is still gross.
10. And finally, the TRUE reason for the season: David Vitter was trashed like a common soiled didy in the Louisiana gubernatorial election.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories for this short special holiday week.
Now you have one task left, and one task only. See that form below? PUT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IN IT RIGHT NOW. Because that is how we send you little surprise love notes, and also how we EAT YOUR SOUL. Don’t you wish Wonket had eated your soul already? Well if #JebCanFixIt, so can you. Sign up for the newsletter.
Anyway, bye now. We’ll see you again when it is Not A Holiday.