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"And so what happens in this room?"

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere.

Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat.

Ingredients

* 1 package dry yeast
* 1 cup or so, of milk
* 3 eggs
* 3 tablespoons sugar
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 4-1/2 cups flour
* 2 Percocet
* 6 ounces butter, room temperature
* 1/2 pound melted butter
* 1 (9-inch) ring mold
* 3 whisky sours

Directions

In a bowl, mix yeast with small amount of milk until dissolved. (Remember to do this in a bowl and not just on the counter or whatever.) Add 2 eggs and beat, the eggs. Mix in dry ingredients. Add remaining milk a little at a time, mixing thoroughly. Cut in butter until blended. Take Percocet with first Whisky Sour. Knead dough, let rise 1 to 1 1/2 hours until doubled in size. (You can sit on the floor and lean against the cabinets for this part. No-one will see you crying.)

Roll dough onto floured board, shape into a log. Cut log into 24 pieces of equal size. Shape each piece of dough into a ball, roll in melted butter. Place 12 balls in the bottom of the buttered and floured mold, leaving space between. Take a rest, wash your hands, drink second Whisky Sour. Place remaining balls on top, spacing evenly. Let dough rise in mold for 30 minutes. Brush top with remaining egg. Bake in preheated oven at 375 degrees until golden brown, approximately 25 to 30 minutes.

Drink third whisky sour, fall asleep on floor. Make the negro servants bake dessert.

Do not forget our other Holiday Recipes for Thanksgiving! Ken Layne’s Real Cranberry Business (suck it, Susan Stamberg!) and Betty Ford’s Chocoholic Icebox Fantasy and K-Lo’s disgusting hamburger-stuffed turkey and Mamie Eisenhower’s Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink and Rush Limbaugh’s horrifying “Under The Sea Salad.” That’s the whole shebang; clicky on the direct linkies if you need “ingredients.” Questions? Hahaha, we’ve been soused since we scheduled these at noon.

And of course check out our Mommyblog Recipe Hub for fresh new Thanksgiving food ideas, for Thanksgiving food for Thanksgiving.

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  • Nounverb911

    Monkey bread? Do they use real monkeys?

    • Vecciojohn

      The one with a glimmer of intelligence in its eyes.

  • Vecciojohn

    Needs more whiskey sours.

    • Nounverb911

      Everything about Thanksgiving needs more whiskey sours.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Who’s the new guy?

  • tegrat

    What, only TWO Percocet? Lightweights…

  • Ricky Gay

    I do miss Ken

    • Beaumarchais?

      Needz moar doomed!!1!

  • Gil

    MY recipe contains some….. um …”bud” which is legal in some jurisdictions. My grandmother always liked coming to our house from Cincinnati for the holidays…

  • FlownOver

    While it’s baking you can sit in the lap of Mr. T.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    It’s not real monkey bread without the monkey.

  • Me not sure

    I thought monkey bread is what they called Ronnie’s paycheck from “Bedtime For Bonzo”.

  • witsended

    This lady is a real woman and makes Pussy bread, much better than some Nancy butt peggers gay offering.
    With pretty pictures.
    Ingredients:

    1 small Greek coffee-sized cup of plain flour
    1/2 small Greek coffee-sized cup of water
    As much vaginal yeast as I could scrape off a dildo I put in my vagina–my estimate is that there was about as much of it as would lightly coat a single tine of a fork, and no more.

    Method:

    Mix the ingredients together.

    Cover in foil, leave

    The next day, “feed” it 1 small Greek coffee-sized cup of flour, 1/2 small Greek coffee-sized cup of water.

    Cover it back up

    Repeat the feeding

    https://stavvers.wordpress.com/2015/11/23/im-making-sourdough-with-my-vaginal-yeast/

  • AntiDerpomeme

    I don’t have negro servants, can I use my cats instead?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I’m going to Just Say No.

  • btwbfdimho

    Is it really Nancy Reagan’s recipe?!!?? Just Say No, thanks.

    I’d rather show off with recipes from more appealing celebrities. One dish I strongly recommend (post-Thanksgiving), is Hemingway’s hamburgers;

    http://www.thehautemeal.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/72944416_recipe624.jpg

    • Biff52

      Are we sure that’s from Papa? He doesn’t mention cleaning his shotgun or anything!

    • ButchWagstaff

      I showed this recipe to the partner & he said: “Nope. That’d kill you.” I told him it didn’t kill Hemingway.

  • Steven M. Harries

    George Peppard oft says “To hell with this Nancy Bread,
    I’d rather have her give me more deep head!”

  • DahBoner

    Hey, hey, hey!

    Some of my best friends are Monkees…

    https://media0.giphy.com/media/wtbML6i8o3xra/200w_s.gif

  • DahBoner

    OT. Just got an email from Rubio talking about the New American Century.

    If elected, this means Rubio WILL start a war with Russia:
    http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2015-04-18/did-presidential-candidate-marco-rubio-make-deal-devil

  • kindness

    Nancy was reputed to give the best oral monkey in Hollywood at one point in time. I could see that. No doubt it wasn’t Nancy’s Mac & Cheese that hooked Ronnie.

    • theCryptofishist

      I thought it was her getting pregnant that hooked him. Now I am bewildered.

  • OneDemin EOr

    In Mrs. George Allen’s recipe book, “Recipes from My Husband’s Virginia Homestead”, it’s known as Macaque Bread.

  • Mavenmaven

    So nostalgia. In those days I had 126 p-points *sigh*

    • Metadude

      But you try telling that to young people today…

      • proudgrampa

        Young whippersnappers! Get off my lawn!

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Piecaken or GTFO

  • Anarchy Pony

    So hollywood’s blowjob queen liked to make bread?

    • DahBoner
      • cousin itt

        Now I’m all Torked off.

        • Suse

          Dolenz it bother you.

          • cousin itt

            I’m so Jonesing.

          • therblig

            i thought the subject was Head

      • Msgr_Moment

        Save the Texas Prairie Chicken!

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      And I mentioned this before reading your post.

      However, I attempted to avoid the obvious word and sorta worked around it a bit.

  • Markuserektus
  • Metadude

    At what point in the recipe do the blowjobs occur?

    • btwbfdimho

      Clinton and Kennedy created more blowjobs than Reagan, Nixon, and during the Bush & Dick Administration combined.

      • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

        Ya know what? I heard once (possibly here where comments are not allowed thankfully because then there would be a trail to follow) that Nancy’s claim to fame in Hollywood was not her acting or beauty or her charm. It was her abilities when she was pretending to kneel and pray.

  • diogenez

    When I see this photo, I always wonder what the chefs are thinking. “Oh Christ – she’s going to want that fucking monkey bread again…”

    • diogenez

      Also: I hope she doesn’t offer another blow job.

      • therblig

        too much teeth, right?

        • MynameisBlarney

          If she’d just take her damn dentures out.

          • puredog

            You do know that young single Nancy was justly famed for her beejs.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I do now, lol.

      • aureolaborealis

        I thought she was the blowjob queen. I am cornfused.

  • diogenez
  • dslindc

    Finally! A recipe with booze (and pills)! #blessed

  • just like those nasty welsh cakes Ann Romney made with antidepressants – no big deal

  • Ken Layne is ALIVE!
    ~

    • Hutch

      And he remembered to do the alt-text!

    • Rise Up, Demme!

      Hi, thunder!

  • Hutch

    Monkey does not like “monkey” bread.

    • The Wanderer

      Disapproving Monkey is disapproving.

      • therblig

        maybe it’s maybelline

        • theCryptofishist

          What is that fat injected into your lips to make them go horribly wrong called?

          • therblig

            collagen, i think

            ot, but what’s worth is the synthol that bodybuilders inject to make their arms look like popeye’s.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson
    • Rise Up, Demme!

      and she’s ours, cally!

  • therblig

    breaking my own rule and jumping the gun on christmas carols, but hey, we’re the young generation and we’ve got something to say

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_hlYgCNFZc

  • boyblue123

    OT – Jill Stein of all people has officially filed for a recount in PA, WI, and Michigan

    • h4rr4r

      Linky?
      Why? Did she get 5 less votes than she polled at?

    • Resistance Fighter Callyson

      Seriously? Well, that’s something I guess…

      • SmokinGood

        By “something”, I assume you mean “a testament to how badly she understands how any of this works”?

    • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

      Did Hillary send her an email asking her to?

      • boyblue123

        Doubt it..
        She thought Drumpf was “the lesser of two evils”
        It could just be a money grab for Stein since she is asking for money for the recount

        • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

          It’s always money, isn’t it? And I really hope Jill is enjoying the antics of the “lesser evil”.

        • Rise Up, Demme!

          “lesser of two evils?”
          and i didn’t think it was possible to hate her even more.

  • Msgr_Moment

    BONZOBREAD!!! I always wondered what they did with that cheeky monkey.

  • Nounverb911

    Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, I’m busy composing the donnies tweets.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1c4c831606c2c214f2644854215dcd9e66f045aac56bae51ee35bc1d6e25b1eb.png

    • Doug Langley

      “Dear Dad . . .”

  • Bear OmNomNom

    Rumor is there’s audio out there from 2008 of Jeff Sessions referring to Obama campaign donations by that term. But don’t worry, it’s just locker-room talk.

  • Resistance Fighter Callyson

    Someone beat me to it below, but…

    Jill Stein is asking for donations to fund a recount in states key to Hillary Clinton’s loss

    You’d better spend that fucking money on that self-proclaimed purpose, Dr Stein…

    • Apple Scruff

      Hold the phone.

      Is Jill Stein doing something… good?

      • Thiazin Red

        Axl Rose and Glenn Beck going sane, Jill Stein doing something that sounds good, what even is this world?

      • Resistance Fighter Callyson

        Probably just to save her reputation (such as it was) in the progressive world. That said, I’ll take it if she follows through FFS.

        • Apple Scruff

          I wonder what Susan Sarandon has to say.

  • boyblue123

    Drank the 3 whiskey sours after I took the 2 percocets to begin the recipe. Passed out and woke up 8 hours later with no monkey bread made. Worst recipe ever

    • anwisok

      But you didn’t have to deal with your racist, Trump supporting uncle, so . . . Best Recipe Ever!

      • boyblue123

        never thought of it like that :)

  • Nounverb911
  • Thiazin Red

    I have to admit that bread confounds me, I just can’t bread. Its my cooking failure and nothing else is as impossible to me as bread.

    I’m looking forward to my thanksgiving cooking tomorrow. I do all my prep work, then set everything up so that all I need to do during the day is turn on burners at the appropriate times. Everything gets done at the right time, and I’m free to play Pokemon or read all day instead of doing stuff. The one downside is that the smell of cooking turkey makes my cats insane all day. Its like super heroin to them.

    • Jennifer R

      I found one of those handheld infrared thermometers helped me get the water right, and that combined with making double sure I had fresh live yeast was the biggest hurdle.

      • tehbaddr

        Fresh live yeast aren’t actually that hard to come by.

        • Jennifer R

          Yeah but people buy a 3 pack of flesihmans then leave it in the pantry for 7 years.

    • Rise Up, Demme!

      you can make bread!
      this is an awesome web site.
      the no-knead breads are great!
      plus there are lots of helpful comments that may answer any of your questions.
      http://search.kingarthurflour.com/search?w=easy%20bread&af=type:recipes

  • Apple Scruff

    I’m not the biggest sweets eater in the world but monkey bread gets me every.time.

  • Nounverb911
    • Thiazin Red

      This is my lab when we try to find a place to eat. We’ve got super kosher, halal, vegan, vegetarian, the process of attempting to find someplace that works for everyone (and also looks decent) is frustrating.

      • Jennifer R

        Come out to California, you can find all of those under one roof in lots of instances.

      • boyblue123

        basically everyone goes out and eats vegan?

    • FauxAntocles

      And so there is no food on the table – compromise at work.

  • Bill D. Burger

    How ironic! So many yummy treats this time of the year, and simultaneously the whole republic is about to be served a giant orange shit sandwich! (╥︣﹏᷅╥)
    Gonna take a lot of liquor to make this the season to be jolly…..but I will try___repeatedly.

  • Scooby

    I prefer the Eva Braun version.

  • Llareggub

    Jill Stein trying to get recount funded and started.
    https://jillstein.nationbuilder.com/recount

    • Bill D. Burger

      She must have finished her organic carrot harvest and has too much time on her hands.

      https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-MlnuGyl6COQ/V-Oz62kIOqI/AAAAAAABGAI/NTtI0ee4MeMc7e3aMSIXX8yl2BD4ygeNACLcB/s1600/stein%2Bcarrots.jpg

      • therblig

        or does she have thyme on her hands?

        • Bill D. Burger

          So much she hardly has time to turnip and pea. Lettuce wish her a horrible holiday season.

          • therblig

            sage advice.

        • JustDon’tSayDittos

          She’s just after more bread.

        • Doug Langley

          No problem with her friend Rosemary helping.

          • therblig

            well, who else would, with Tarragon

      • Nounverb911
        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I’m not sure I agree 100% with your police work, there, Hal. Can anyone ‘splain at me why it’s a bad thing that someone other than Hillary & the Dems are the ones calling for a recount? Seems like the appearance of impartiality might be the only thing that keeps the Trumpanzees from completely losing their shit.

          • Shanana Republic

            Trumpanzees LIVE to lose their shit. They will find a reason.

      • Llareggub

        Just to be clear. It’s in the states suggested by Halderman, (so it’s for Hillary), and using the Green party to call for recount. The excess funds will be donated to ACLU and Planned Parenthood. I’m as surprised as anyone that she might be just the right person to get it going.

  • Nounverb911

    Semi OT
    Glock Inc. that renowned maker of guns and glockenspiels has tweeted their Thanksgiving tweet showing a Glock something baked into a pumpkin pie.
    (I’m not really planning on posting the photo).

    • TJ Barke

      Handguns are very nutritious, you commie!

      • starfanglednut

        Plenty of iron!

        • theCryptofishist

          And lead!

    • boyblue123

      Seems like an early Christmas gift for a 2nd amendment loving relative wrapped in a delicious pumpkin pie

    • Bill D. Burger

      Die Hard Thanksgiving: “Yippee pie yay, motherfuckers.”

    • therblig

      i planned on bringing sig sauerdough rolls

  • NeverNormalizingKatie
    • There’s nothing like those subtle hints to make one feel unwelcome.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      OF COURSE this happened in Florida.

      • NeverNormalizingKatie

        My favorite part is that this seems like a situation she confronts frequently as her boyfriend instructed her on how to handle it if guests didn’t leave after 3 requests.

    • Doug Langley

      Now I don’t feel so bad I only got food poisoning last time I went to a friend’s Thanksgiving.

      • NeverNormalizingKatie

        Maybe I’ll stop worring about someone finding a cat hair in something I made, and be grateful I’ve never poisoned anyone.

  • Hardly Ideal

    It’s a weird name for a food, but here’s what I’ve got. In short, nobody really knows, but there are lots of ideas.

    1) It’s finger food you pull apart, kind of like you’d expect a monkey to do with food they really like.
    2) Some say it kind of looks fruit from the monkey puzzle tree, and fruit from the baobab tree have been called “monkey bread” before. They’re both… kinda sorta round in spots, so it matches if you pretend hard enough.
    3) As far as I can tell, it’s not a racist name. But in this exceptional land of ours, you can sure as fuck be forgiven for thinking otherwise.

    • jowgajen

      We are monkeys. It is bread for us.

  • Jamoche
    • theCryptofishist

      “She even posthumously published a 93-page cookbook…” That’s the spirit, Zazu. Don’t let a little thing like death stop you.

  • dslindc

    I substituted Xanax for the Percocet and it came out about the same. This recipe is delicious!

    • starfanglednut

      I added a shot of heroin and 5 hash brownies. It was marvelous! My whole family loved it.

  • tehbaddr

    ‘Monkey Bread’ was the code words one would use way back in the day in Hollywood, if you wanted Nancy to unhinge her jaw and demonstrate her expertise!

  • Courser

    I seem to remember monkey bread having brown sugar and cinnamon in it. Very yummy.

  • Bill D. Burger

    Wait! You mean there’s no actual monkey IN the monkey bread?

    I feel just like Zach Galafianakis’ character in ‘Hangover’ when he found out Caesar never really built or stayed at Caesar’s Palace. Bummer!

    /( ◡́.◡̀)

    • Mahousu

      Caesar never had a Caesar salad, either.

      • theCryptofishist

        But he probably had anchovies, so there is that.

    • Doug Langley

      Waaaah! Next you’ll be telling me Sloppy Joe’s only has cow meat!

      • Nasty_ahughes798_woman

        Does Baked Alaska have Sarah Palin inside it?

    • Lex Luthor

      Pretty sure it’s named monkey bread because you pull it apart and eat it with your fingers. Like an animal!

    • Wee Mousie

      I feel truly awful, but it is time to tell you about Girl Scout Cookies.

      • Halsey Taylor

        But…but…but. What about madeleines?
        At least I can still count on ratatouille. Right?

        • Wee Mousie

          They’re all lies, lies I tell you! The chocolate turtles. not to mention the moose, the Eskimo Pies, the lady fingers. You can’t even depend upon that old reliable, animal crackers.

  • jesuswasablack
    • JHan

      You a damn fool for this .. HAhahHAAHAHAHAHaaa

  • Raan

    OT and apolitical – ThinkGeek opened a physical location in our local mall, and this was my actual reaction. https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ae7a5cb0f46dbfb7e9ddc447987b221e4e564176826dcc4495da8c6c74c433db.png

  • samrockton

    thanksgiving, family, teh wonket, ken layne and bourbon

    warm feelings

  • Lex Luthor

    Monkey bread was the first recipe I ever learned! Only my grandma taught me to make it by cutting up those biscuits that come in a tube that you pop on the counter. Shake in a bag with the cinnamon sugar, stuff in a pan, dot butter on top, bake. If four-year-old me could do it, tipsy wonketeers should have no problem.

    • jen

      That’s the real receipe. nancy’s was too hard.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    I substituted Oxycontin for the Percocet and the bread came out awful but for some reason I didn’t give a shit. (Narcotics make me constipated)

    • Nasty_ahughes798_woman

      I subbed in Norco, ‘cuz I didn’t have any Percocet. The bread was shite, but it was fun making it, anyway. Why is it called “Monkey Bread?” Here is what I was told. You can steal a piece of it from under your parent’s noses, and run away like a monkey does when they steal a banana from their parent.

  • spends2much

    Happy Thanksgiving, America!

    Next year, beginning the day after Thanksgiving, anyone who doesn’t greet people with MERRY CHRISTMAS until December 25 will be sent to a camp for re-education by Mike Huckabee.

    Be thankful Obama is President for a few more weeks…

  • And in other news–Nancy Reagan is still dead.

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