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Richard Nixon on Wonkette's Cranberry Business: 'This cranberry business PUNISHES
Richard Nixon on Wonkette’s Cranberry Business: ‘This cranberry business PUNISHES

No first lady could even imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o’d aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn’t, so stop whining about everything, for once.

This dish takes exactly three minutes to prepare, and another 10 or 15 minutes in the oven, and you don’t even have to think about it. Pre-heat the oven, prepare the cranberries, “slide in the pyrex,” as they say, and just turn the oven off, go outside, enjoy a marijuana cigarette, make snow angels in the trash pile outside the neighboring foreclosure, relax.

There are many recipes you can find “on the Internet” for fresh cranberry sauce, but you don’t need to do that anymore. Just send this one to your xBox or iPad or whatever and be DONE, done with the search for the ideal cranberry relish recipe.

THE THINGS YOU NEED:

  • When you’re at the store, get two sacks of fresh cranberries from the produce section. This year, we have found Organic fresh cranberries, for the first time, at the regular supermarket. They are like, a pound each. This will be plenty for eight or so people. Did your relatives refuse to use any kind of birth control, producing a larger family of say, 16 people? Just double the recipe, meaning buy two of whatever, and use twice as much, in the recipe. And “double the recipe” does not mean set the oven to 700 degrees instead of 350. Come on, people.
  • If for some reason you don’t have some basic real cane sugar and a decent bottle of bourbon at home, purchase these things in whatever respectable quantity, so next time (Friday morning) you’ll have this stuff handy. For Buy Nothing Day!
  • Oranges. Buy some of them. Fight Scurvy!

NEXT: Either right now or tomorrow or 30 minutes before carving time — IT DOES NOT MATTER — you wash the cranberries. (The thing that looks like a ’50s space helmet, it is called the colander, fill it with the cranberries and put it under the cold faucet).

Dump said berries in the Pyrex baking dish, like the one people might use for lasagna or baked manicotti. (This is a good time to remove whatever weird stuff the Stephen King characters who pick cranberries might’ve dropped in the bucket: loose teeth, “biker earrings,” etc.) Get the cheese grater and just grate on some sad-but-firm orange, right on the peel, so that the little bits of orange peel fall down upon the lonely berries. It is fine if some bigger chunks — like, half-inch-long shreds, but no bigger than that — fall down there, too. It adds “color” … orange color, in fact. Do this until you’re tired of doing it, at which point there’s probably about three teaspoons’ worth of orange “zest” in the pyrex, with the cranberries. Don’t pick it out and measure it or anything, just show some confidence. For once.

Cut open that poor orange you’ve just Gitmo’d, and squeeze the juice into your cranberry business. Do not drop the orange seeds in there, Jesus christ ….

Now drizzle a couple-five shots of bourbon on the berries. And sprinkle about half a cup of granulated cane sugar over all that. (Generally, cranberry relish recipes call for some insane amount of sugar, like three cups. Do not ruin everything, okay? Using not-so-much sugar produces a tart but still sweet-enough relish that is to be served with savory dishes like turkey and dressing, right? If you want to put this on a peanut butter sandwich, by all means use fifteen cups of sugar and chase it with an “energy drink” or whatever. Let freedom reign.) [EDITRIX HERE: I doubled the sugar to a cup and it was still very tart, to the point where the children complained about it in front of me and I kicked their asses. Stupid fucking children. Anyway, a cup of sugar is delicious.]

Cover the baking dish with foil and put it in the oven. Doesn’t really matter, whatever the oven is set to, which is going to be in the 300-425 range for your general Thanksgiving dishes crowding the oven. You also don’t need to be a dick and start yelling about how somebody needs to move the mac-and-cheese or the brussels sprouts under the broiler (and you SHOULD have simple cut-in-half olive-oil-brushed brussels sprouts under the broiler!) because you must get in your cranberry relish. Anytime is fine, and plus who will be impressed if you keep talking about it, beforehand? They might notice how easy it is to make, and then who are you? You are basically Lou Dobbs Newt Gingrich. So go outside and yell at a Mexican.

Come back inside, and please wash your hands if you were smoking or “playing with the dog” out there, and see what is going on. Are people tense? It is probably time to open a bottle of wine, go ahead and pass around maybe a Petite Syrah, something that will go with maybe some pita chips or apple slices, whatever, try to get people to relax. It is okay to have “Irish Coffees,” too, because it’s daytime.

When the cranberry business is bubbly and the berries have this nice soft-but-firm kind of thing going on, take out the pyrex and let it cool somewhere out of the way. If there’s room in the fridge, you can just put the tray in there once it’s cool to the touch. But there’s no room, jesus just look at all the food in there, plus there are about a million beers for tomorrow, so just scrape it all into something pretty, some kind of thing you might put chutney in, or whatever (ask mom).

Serve and watch how people say, “OMG I only ever had it from a can,” etc.

Do not forget our other Holiday Recipes for Thanksgiving! Betty Ford’s Chocoholic Icebox Fantasy and K-Lo’s disgusting hamburger-stuffed turkey and Mamie Eisenhower’s Lesbian-Soviet Hockey Rink and Rush Limbaugh’s horrifying “Under The Sea Salad” and Nancy Reagan’s Racial-Transcendence Monkey Bread! We will post them all this afternoon, but if you need “ingredients,” clicky on the direct linkies right there!

And of course check out our Mommyblog Recipe Hub for fresh new Thanksgiving food ideas, for Thanksgiving food for Thanksgiving.

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  • AngryBlakGuy

    …your recipe is missing the most important ingredient needed for a successful thanksgiving meal:

    VODKA, lots and lots of vodka!!!

    • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

      Hey ABG, how ya been?

      • PUAAN Pussy Has Clawz

        :( looks like this is an old post from last year…i’ve been missing our ABG also too as well in addition.

        • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

          I saw that. I was thinking about ABG the other day and figured I would drop a line for the next time he comes around.

  • Ryan Denniston

    That sounds awfully complicated! My Thanksgiving dinner will be cooked by my slow cooker, as there is football and parades to watch, and beer that must be drunk.

  • MrBlobfish

    What’s a good wine pairing for White Castle?

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …Cisco?

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …Cisco

      • MrBlobfish

        That takes me back. Tried a bottle once just to see. I remember buying it. I remember going to someone’s pool. I remember rolling around the back seat singing Cramps songs on the way home. The hours in between? I’m sure I was a laugh riot.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          Sounds like a recap of my misspent early years.

    • Beulah

      Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. But it has to be the right vintage, say last Saturday.

      • therblig

        responsible for lost virginities since the 1960’s

  • Spotts1701

    I am on cider and pie detail this year – better than last year, when I had spud duty.

  • YEAH! the wonkette ken layne thanksgiving recipe parade of shame and abuse has begun!

    this is my favorite time of year after 9/11.

    • Ghost Buggy

      Me too, although I’m not sure about Wonkit Never Forgetting to add the Limbaugh horror in recent years. Who in their right mind would make that?

  • Nounverb911

    I haz a confuzed, did Ken quit his day job, or did I not read something, like usual?

  • Joshua Norton

    Grandma’s been in the cooking sherry again!
    .

    • therblig

      make sure to cook the stuffing OUTSIDE the pug.

  • Brother Yam

    http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/cranberry-sauce-with-pinot-noir-4383

    Cranberry sauce with Pinot Noir, been making it for years. Never, ever gets old and people never let me keep any for leftovers…

  • Callyson

    Maybe next year I’ll give this a try. This year I’m in charge of getting the turkey (a friend will be cooking it, but I’m one of those bleeding heart compassionate types who wanted a free-range bird) and making the sweet potatoes. Potluck Thanksgiving with friends is the only way to go!

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      I was just talking to a coworker about friend potluck Thanksgivings. It became one of my favorite holidays once it became a friend holiday. I’m in charge of the pumpkin pie and that green bean casserole thing, mostly because I like it and never get it any other time of year.

    • Shawn Renee Ernoehazy

      We do a potluck with friends (well, we kind of got adopted by the family) and I made “roasted roots” one time. I now make it every year by popular demand. I think I will add the “Cranberry Business” to replace the the canned stuff to see how that goes over. I love the way this recipe is spelled out; a guideline and not a science project! That is how I cook, and why I really don’t bake much. Baking and candy making are science projects.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Honest-to-FSM, I just right now finished a stovetop cranberry sauce. No booze, but heavy on the citrus (lemon, ’cause it’s what I had). Next time, maybe I’ll try your way in the oven, but maybe not because European ovens are freakin’ tiny and there’s no room for much besides turkey. And while we’re at it, let’s bitch about how difficult it is to find a whole turkey this time if year because they only have them for Christmas and nobody has ever heard of American Thanksgiving and Christ I need a drink after talking to every butcher shop in the region. But yay, we found one eventually and by accident in the “big city” where they cater to some small population of Americans and now Thanksgiving is saved.

    Hmm, perhaps I’ve had too much coffee this morning.

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      This is basically fruit preserve recipe, so making it in a saucepan is appropriate. Lemon should be fine; my mom used (I believe) OJ, orange zest and probably some lemon zest too.
      I understand the difficulty finding a turkey (you might have considered goose, though that is less popular in the States, and had different cooking rules). How did you find cranberries?

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Mmm, goose. Great idea, and perhaps one for the next holiday. The cranberries were sent in the mail by my stateside mother. Don’t tell Customs!

        • Pierre_de_Fermat

          Goose has more fat, so the cranberry relish might be much appreciated. Back when turkeys were not that removed from their wild cousins, the meat was *very* dry and a goose and turkey might be roasted together … the rendered fat from one to be used in an attempt to make the other less cottony (mostly a vain attempt, though the table would have looked incredible). An alternative (non-goose) method involved basically stewing (or outright boiling) the turkey, then placing it in the oven to brown.

          • AntiDerpomeme

            Save that goose fat! It makes roasted potatoes that are outta this world. Duck fat works too.

      • pstockholm

        Lingonberries are a good stand in if you are way up north.

  • LarryHoudini

    Some year I’m going to say “screw tradition” and make cheese enchiladas, burritos, chiles rellenos and tofu mole with yellow rice. Ha! The fuck I am, my wife would never allow it. I’m sorry I even wrote that. I’ll be in my room.

    • Tess

      One year I made chili instead and that was not a popular decision. Added to the family lore, like the time I was out of town when it came time to buy the Christmas tree so the spouse got one from the corner lot and our 9-yr-old called me, indignant about the “pygmy tree.” Or the time we terrorized the neighbor boy we were briefly watching when the weight of the too-large tree crushed the tree stand and the whole tree fell over. “Christmas tree – fall down!” was all the boy could say to me for about the next year. After that the spouse welded a new heavy duty mount which went on to a 1″ plywood slab which was lag-screwed to the floor. Sigh, back when it was worth the trouble to hunt a tree, kill it and display its corpse indoors.

  • My leftover post-Thanksgiving day quiche:

    Preheat your oven to 400 degrees.

    Spray non-stick cooking spray on a pie plate.

    Take some of your leftover stuffing and press it to the bottom and sides of the pie plate until you form your crust.

    Take 6 eggs. Add a bit of milk, salt and pepper. Whisk until uniform.

    Chop up some of your leftover turkey and throw it in the egg mixture. Add cheese to the mixture as well, chedder or mozzerella work well. Throw a bit of chopped onion in there as well.

    Add mushrooms, green onions if desired.

    Pour the mixture into your pie ‘crust’. Bake for 30 minutes or until done. Just before taking the quiche out of the oven, add your topping. I usually use either:

    Leftover fried onions and cheese or…
    Leftover mashed potatoes and cheese

    If you choose the latter, I’d recommend adding the mashed potatoes first and broiling them until they start to brown, then add the cheese until melted.

    Serve and enjoy.

    • Biff52

      That sounds really good!

    • Msmlg1979

      Quiche with stuffing crust! Be still my heart!

      • Vienna Woods

        While I quite like roast turkey, it is, essentially, something to surround stuffing. Damn. Now I’m hungry for stuffing, and we had Thanksgiving 6 weeks ago.

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      Holy cow, stuffing crust. I am going to have to try this on Friday. You are a damn genius.

  • Duke

    I missed the part where I open a can and dump something out.

    Old Turkey Tip:
    Enchilada sauce covers all other flavors including mungie turkey. Makes dry turkey moist, too. Mmmmm…. Turkey enchiladas

    • therblig

      i read that as muggle turkey and thought, “no wonder i didn’t get my letter from hogwarts”

  • Antimassacree

    “Don’t drop the orange seeds in there, Jesus Christ.”

    Now THAT took me back to my childhood!

  • FlownOver

    Don’t forget the Colorado-Washington Stuffing – unless you have the ill fortune to count Maureen Dowd among your family gathering.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Damn, out of bourbon again!

  • That_got_me_thinking

    Savory sweet potato casserole (aka BEST sweet potato dish ever)

    3 medium sweet potatoes (baked, peeled then mashed)
    5/6 slices of cooked bacon (or more)
    2 tablespoons dark brown sugar (I sometimes skip this)
    3 tablespoons butter
    2 shallots (minced) (I sometimes use 3…I like shallots)
    Rosemary (minced) (I like rosemary so add a good tablespoon of it)
    1 large egg
    2 tablespoons heavy cream
    1/2 cup Gruyere cheese (can also use Swiss)
    coarse salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste

    Sometimes I saute the shallots and rosemary before adding.

    Mix it all together and bake at 400 until it looks perfect (+/-30 minutes)

    Thank me later.

    • Msmlg1979

      Yes, please!

  • BeliTsari
  • The Wanderer

    I still recall one MST3K Turkey Day marathon where we learned about Mother Forrester’s Turkey Surprise:
    1. Cook turkey for 2 hours at 250 degrees, and then
    2. Rub it with a live turtle.
    Obviously, do not try this one at home.

  • chicken thief

    Mrs CT makes an awesome cranberry chutney. I’d share it but I don’t know shit about no reciping stuff.

  • Tess

    Back when we were young and idealistic and still thought that NPR was a news source, the spouse thought Lynn Rosetto Casper’s holiday cranberry relish sounded good. Cranberries, onions, horseradish, cream, something else – man, that was NASTY. Out of a can would have been preferable. Now I skip the cranberry sauce and just make cranberry bread.

    • DahBoner

      Don’t get me started on “Cokie” Roberts mothers recipe…

    • Christopher Robinhood

      I’d rather have cranberry bread than sex. My wife agrees. And she doesn’t eat cranberry bread.

    • Tess

      The spouse points out that I meant to say “Mother Stamburg’s Cranberry Relish.” Meh, one NPR voice is much like another….

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      I knew it! I knew there was no way that damn recipe was actually ok. Thank you for taking the bullet and trying it.

  • Msmlg1979

    Don’t like pumpkin pie? Make THE WORLD’S BEST COCONUT CAKE:

    The night before you bake the cake, mix together 16 ozs of sour cream, 2 cups sugar, and some flaked coconut. Let sit in the fridge overnight. Yes. 2 whole cups of sugar, ’cause Auhmerikuh.

    Bake a yellow cake in 2 round pans and let cool ALMOST completely. You need a TINY bit of warmth left for best results.

    Take out one cup of the sour cream mixture, and slather bottom layer of cake with half the remaining mixture. Put the top layer on, and give it a slather with the other half. It will be messy.

    Mix the rest of the sour cream mix with a tub of whipped cream, and as much coconut as you want, and frost that bad boy til it looks like a giant snowball.

    Do NOT let your youngest niece put turkey bits into the cake while your back is turned, because it’s gross.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    • clubseal

      Who in the hell doesn’t like pumpkin pie? Burn them at the stake.

      • The Outraged Ms. MLG

        A lot of people, apparently. I don’t understand!

        • clubseal

          I’m making some pumpkin cheesecakes today and those people will miss out.

          • The Outraged Ms. MLG

            That sounds great. I haven’t had a good piece of cheesecake for a while. May your cheesecake be creamy and have no cracks!

          • clubseal

            They always have cracks – that’s how the light gets in.

            Wait, I’m confusing things I think.

    • The Outraged Ms. MLG

      Hello, Ms. MLG from the past! You’re looking well! Remember how last year Donald Trump had not yet been elected President? You thought it was nothing but a big, dumb joke and look where we are now. You are gonna feel so stupid a year from now, just so ya know, beeyotch. I still love you, though.

      • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

        HAHA, that was epic

  • Me not sure

    Here’s my recipe :
    Take a section from a fresh orange, and three cranberries and put them in your mouth with a shot of bourbon. Crunch down and swallow at the same time. Repeat as needed, and then tell the family to fuck off and wander into the bedroom and take a nap.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Wally Balou: I think you’ve been missing a lot of the uses for cranberries.

    Ward Smith: Can you make other things out of them, like glass?

  • timpundit

    Oh I love it! Just like a “Charlie Brown Christmas” or “Christmas Story”, this recipe business puts me in the holiday (drunken) mood!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Please, nobody mention the Great Pumpkin.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    It’s just not Thanksgiving until the Ken Layne Cranberry Business recipe is posted …

    • Ghost Buggy

      The smell of the Cranberry Business tells us the William Burroughs Thanksgiving Prayer video is just around the corner.

  • DahBoner
    • Hutch

      Ya gotta have the can marks left intact for proper presentation!

      • Msgr_Moment

        Exactly. Intact ribbing shows that you have mastered your technique.

        • Creepoman

          Seriously, the quick jazz-hands can-shake and the glop just slides right out. Works for refried beans as well.

          • Shanana Republic

            And frozen orange juice.

      • Jeffocaster in the desert

        After no one touches it, you can just slide the wad off the plate into the garbage….

      • Rise Up, Demme!

        open both ends

  • Dolmance

    I ate out my cousin on a family Thanksgiving buffet table once, and ever since Turkey with all the fixins just tastes like dust to me.

    It’s all about genocide anyway, so who the hell cares if I enjoy it or not.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Mmmm-mmmm! Them’s good giblets!

    • The Wanderer

      I’m still giggling at the mental image. “Box lunch?”

  • btwbfdimho

    Sounds delicious, but too much work. We’re just going to deep-fry the cranberries, the Texan way, on SW40.

    • puredog

      You fry them in WD-40? Or is my dyslexia acting up again?

  • chascates

    Well, if it’s from Ken Layne it’s got to be good. Mother Stamberg’s cranberry relish doesn’t include bourbon!

    Still living in the desert?

  • witsended

    An old family recipe from 1591.

    Take a red Cock that is not too olde, and beate him to death, and when he is dead, fley him and quarter him in small peeces, and bruse the bones everye one of them. Then take roots of Fenell, persely, and succory, Violet leaves, and a good quantitye of Borage, put the Cock in an earthen pipkin and betweene everye quarter some rootes, hearbes, corance, whole mace, Anis seeds, being fine rubbed, and Licorice being scraped and sliced, and so fill your pipkin with al the quarters of the Cocke, put in a quarter of a pinte of Rosewater, a pinte of white wine, two or three Dates. If you put in a peece of golde, it will be the better, and halfe a pound of prunes, and lay a cover upon it, and stop it with dough, and set the pipkin in a pot of seething water, and so let it seethe twelve houres with a fire under the brasse pot that it standeth in, and the pot kept with licour twelve houres. When it hath sodden so many houres, then take out the pipkin, pul it open, and put the broth faire into a pot, give it unto the weak person morning and evening.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Sorrie. My red Cock is too olde. Alack!

      • Creepoman

        Roger Ailes, is that you?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Is it acceptable to substitute savory for succory? I’ve been to every market and town and no one has the latter.

  • witsended

    A sensible chef who lives in the real world.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foA0MGUbYH0

    • Enfant Terrible

      Thank you! I’ve been thinking about this all week!

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Ha!

    • proudgrampa

      That was F*cking Wonderful!

  • So, I made this. Then I put it on the dining room table to cool off. Then my glass top table suddenly shattered.

    Please advise?

    • proudgrampa

      Take the shards out of the turkey and pour some Pinot Noir.

    • puredog

      Buy a trivet for next year.

  • Sterculius

    Bunch of fresh cranberries, sugar, orange zest, orange, cinnamon, nutmeg … easier than Bristol Palin,

  • clubseal

    I love the cranberry slab in a can.
    Can’t be helped, I’m basically human garbage.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Ribbed for her pleasure.

    • MynameisBlarney

      My brother volunteers every thanksgiving to “make” the cranberry sauce.

    • Ali | Cat of the Resistance

      I love it, too. #HumanGarbageUnite

      • Creepoman

        Today, we are all human garbage.

    • SuspectedDemocrat
    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      In our fam, only my Mom would eat the cranberry jello roll (years!), then she started making it (similar to Ken’s) and consumption soared.

    • NeverNormalizingKatie

      My entire family refuses to eat real cranberries. They find them “weird” and “confusing.” So I make this just for me and look down on them as they slice off slabs of red goo for themselves.

      • Daisy

        …Cranberries are confusing?

        • NeverNormalizingKatie

          They don’t understand why mine isn’t in a cylinder shape

          • Daisy

            Oh Jesus Christ.

          • Shanana Republic

            Do they like cylindrical chicken, too?

            http://www.seriouseats.com/images/20090430-cannedchicken.jpg

          • NeverNormalizingKatie

            Thank god no, but I do know someone who bought one so they could see what it was. I was there for the un-canning. It’s the stuff of nightmares.

          • Shanana Republic

            I bought some canned clams for the same reason but I haven’t been brave enough to open them yet.

  • The Wanderer

    “If your turkey’s dry
    And you want to die
    Don’t end your life
    With a carving knife
    Just pour some gin
    And order in!”

  • Msgr_Moment

    Say what you like about R. Milhouse Nixon, but when he ratfucked you, you knew you were ratfucked.

    • The Wanderer

      And we LIKED it!

  • Rise Up, Demme!

    some of these wonkers are gone now, and i sure miss them!

    btw: i’ve made this for years, and it’s fantastic! i even added Gran Marnier once. yum!

    • Welcome to the Wake

      I too started making it this way (more or less) a few years ago. Soooo much easier than the boiling in a pot method. Though this year I am officially Not Having Thanksgiving so we got us some honest to god Ocean Spray Cranberry Jello Roll in a can to serve with the burgers and dogs at our little cookout.

    • Nounverb911

      Where’s Spanky2b when you need him?

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      … i even added Gran Marnier once. yum!
      Sounds very good.

  • SmokinGood

    As a person who generally loathes sugar, and the cloying sweetness in everything that defines American cuisine, I still must second the Editrix on this one.

    • MynameisBlarney

      HFCS or GTFO!

  • Carpe Vagenda

    If we’re just softening and not actually browning, couldn’t we just use saran wrap or a lid and nuke it instead? It’s not like there are a whole lot of reasons to use it on Thanksgiving.

    • Rise Up, Demme!

      you can also make it today, keep in the fridge overnight, and micro before serving.

  • Holy crap, a necropost!

  • anwisok

    Oh, but Pinkie has to write recipes where the directions make sense, huh? AND the end result is supposed to be edible, even! But you post THESE for the Turkeyday runup? WTF, ‘Trix? WTF?

    • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

      Astroturfing again, Pinkie?

      • anwisok

        *whistles innocently*

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Note I usually make about this: when shredding/grating the orange for the zest, avoid the white “pith” underneath. It can contribute a bitter aftertaste. If you like a real “citrusy” taste, you can add some lemon zest too, but don’t overdo it as you want the orange to come through. You can use the remaining lemon peel in martinis.

  • Resistance Fighter Astraea

    All of my Thanksgiving recipes are the same
    1. Get invited to Thanksgiving
    2. Show up with a bottle of wine
    3. Eat when served
    4. Help clean enough to be polite
    5. Go home as soon as is acceptable

    I’m kind of an asshole though and when my family is too far away to do #5 I’m stuck with home-assembled pizza.

  • Snicker Haha

    Anxious about seeing all those Trump supporting relatives at Thanksgiving? And what about that drunk uncle who’s always winking at you, giving your knee a squeeze under the table? Well, leave your eye-gouging fork at home! Tell your Aunt Gurdy you’ll bring the cranberry sauce. Chillax and laugh your ass off watching those sumsabitches mellow. Recipes below. Ya welcome!

    http://eatyourcannabis.com/cannabis-cranberry-sauce/?age-verified=c71f294d07

    • anwisok

      Then laugh when they lose their jobs just in time for Christmas because they failed their drug test in December?

  • Crank Tango

    Ken Layne! Did I fall asleep and wake up back in better days?

    • Nounverb911

      Ken was the one that bought Wonkette from the Gawker?

      • Rise Up, Demme!

        yep.
        and the trumper did not run (first typed ruin) for president.

        • Nounverb911

          I think I’ve forgotten more Wonkette history than I remember, though I will never forget Jack Steuff causing the tsunami…

          • Crank Tango

            In my mind, I still blame him for the shitty ads on here.

      • Crank Tango

        Yes! And I always confused him with Newell, regarding which one was the bearded ginger.

  • weejee

    Ww wrap the berries & stuff in tin foil, duct tape to the exhaust header and drive the treat over to our wing it relative’s. With a bag of Cheetos for sacraments.

    • Nounverb911

      Are you back?

    • Anna Rompage

      Never use tin foil with acidic foods…

      The acid will dissolve the foil and will infuse your food with the metals contained within…

  • UncleTravelingMatt

    I didn’t have any cranberries, so I used Milk Duds, and I was out of sugar, so I substituted salt instead. Terrible. This recipe sucks. I wish I could give less than 1 star.

    • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

      You know the best substitute ingredient?

      • efoveks

        That thing on Trump’s head????

      • anwisok

        Vodka. It’s vodka isn’t it?

        • proudgrampa

          Yes.

      • Daisy

        Canned clams?

        • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

          YOU MONSTER!!!!!

      • Resistinceisnotfutile

        Lard?

    • clubseal

      Comments like this one are the reason it sucks we can’t upvote more than once.

    • dshwa

      I used real clams instead of canned, but the shells tore the shit out of my micrograter and they weren’t very juicy when I squeezed the insides.

  • Daisy

    My family is just making tri tip, veggies, and baked potatoes. When it’s three of us, no one feels bothered to put in the extra effort.

    • MynameisBlarney

      My dad made brisket one year…it was soooo good.

      • Daisy

        Honestly, I don’t like most Thanksgiving related food, so I prefer this.

        • MynameisBlarney

          I kinda miss the traditional thanksgiving stuff my family used to make when I was in NC.
          My grandparents would usually make a stew with the leftovers.
          That was some tasty stuff.

          Not a big fan of turkey though.
          Goose is better IMHO.

          • clubseal

            I generally don’t care for turkey either, but America’s Test Kitchen has an awesome turkey recipe a la Julia Child that I made last year and it was succulent and tasty.
            You have to be willing to cut that fucker up like a surgeon before cooking it though.

          • Daisy

            I like turkey, and green beans, and most Thanksgiving related dessert. I don’t like anything else from it though.

          • MynameisBlarney

            I love the stuffing.
            The savory kind. Not all this new-fangled foofoo crap with nuts and berries.
            And the smashed taters….love them too.

          • Daisy

            Mashed potatoes are about the only form of potatoes I don’t like, and I’ve never liked stuffing.

          • clubseal

            HERESY.

          • Daisy

            I’m used to it, my whole family considers me a traitor to southern culture because I hate sweet iced tea.

          • clubseal

            Well, I concur on any form of iced tea. Blech.
            We are friends again.

          • Daisy

            Yay!

          • MynameisBlarney

            BLASPHEMER!

          • MynameisBlarney

            I grew up in NC, and other than gravy, sweet iced tea was the state drink.
            When I moved to the Keys, they’d look at me like my head was on fire when I asked for sweet tea.
            Same with grits.
            One waitress actually asked me what the hell a grit was.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            My mom tried to feed us grits once. She told us it was Malt O Meal but we busted her.

          • NeverNormalizingKatie

            I’ve never liked mashed potatoes either.

          • Shanana Republic

            I like smashed potatoes with the skins still on.

          • NeverNormalizingKatie

            Yes! Texture is the key. I can eat mashed potatoes if I mix in corn.

          • Daisy

            Yay, someone who understands!

          • NeverNormalizingKatie

            In my experience, there aren’t very many of us.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            What??? I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU

          • Rise Up, Demme!

            you texture people drive me nuts!
            one of my girls (30!) still holds up and turns a jar of pasta sauce to see if it has “chunks!”

          • Jennifer R

            Mashed potatoes should be made with lots of butter and milk.

          • MynameisBlarney

            No. not milk. Heavy cream.
            And garlic.

          • Jennifer R

            You an me are like this.

          • Jennifer R

            I can make a mean Alfredo sauce that starts off with a pint of heavy cream a head of garlic 2 cups of Parmesan cheese, and i guess like a stick and a half or two of butter?

          • MynameisBlarney

            Sounds tasty!
            Ever tried it with blackened chicken?

          • Jennifer R

            I had it over chicken I did up in a pan with some herbs and spices once. It worked quite well. I think if you did it very thin over bread it would make a good garlic bread spread as well.

          • anwisok

            And Parmesan Cheese. And egg yolks. Can’t forget the egg yolks. *breathes heavily*

          • MynameisBlarney

            Never tried that before.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            Again, communist.

          • Rise Up, Demme!

            yeah, my mil used to put raisins in the stuffing.
            i like raisins, but, blech!

        • efoveks

          I go right to dessert myself.

          • Daisy

            Sounds like the ideal plan.

        • Jennifer R

          I am meh on turkey, but I could put away pounds of stuffing if I let myself.

          • MynameisBlarney

            The best stuffing I ever had was made with some of that whirly twirly pasta that had been cooked in chicken broth and various herbs and spices.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            Sounds like some sort of communist dish.

        • Resistinceisnotfutile

          I seem to eat everything but the turkey. If you didn’t put turkey on the table I wouldn’t even notice.

          • Shanana Republic

            I’m not much bothered with it, either. So I’m making a pork loin with cranberries in the slow cooker.

      • Jennifer R

        An ex and myself used to smoke brisket or pork butt about once every six weeks. So work staying up overnight adding wood to the smoker every hour.

        • MynameisBlarney

          Yeah, my dad’s doing that with a ginormous ham right now.

          • Jennifer R

            The best part is at 4 am no one is around to see you sneak a bite of the delicious bark.

          • MynameisBlarney

            One time I slow roasted a chateaubriand and took it inside to rest, and RIGHT friggin after I told everyone NOT to slice off any so it wouldn’t dry out….my own damn brother goes and does exactly that as soon as I was out of the room.
            LOL
            I was so fucking pissed.

          • Jennifer R

            Oh fuck, I would have yelled. Thankfully everyone at that house knew not to touch meat until it had rested.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Oh I did fuckin yell, by golly.

            I was like, I just spent the entire afternoon prepping and cooking this expensive as fuck chunk o’ meat and the fixin’s that went with it. Trying make everything perfect. And you just made all my effort meaningless because you couldn’t wait a few more minutes.

            Except it was loud and had moar cussin-type words.

          • Mr. Blobfish

            I don’t like confrontation. I would have sent him a sternly worded letter.

          • MynameisBlarney

            Reading isn’t one of his strong suits.

  • samrockton

    “couple five shots of bourbon”
    awesome Layne!

    • SmokinGood

      I bought a fresh bottle especially for this recipe. If I have any extra left over on Friday, I have obviously failed at Thanksgiving.

  • FauxAntocles

    Anyway, a cup of sugar is delicious.

    I like to pour a bottle of maple syrup over mine.

    • Suse

      Try Tippleman’s smoked maple syrup. OMG!

      • efoveks

        Ah! I had to look it up, never having heard of this brand. I like that adding alcohol is not only still on the table, but encouraged! :)

        • Suse

          It’s so freakin’ yummy on vanilla bean ice cream topped with toasted salted almonds.

          • efoveks

            I am going to be so FAT after this Thanksgiving! Fat, happy and in a food coma. Sister Artemis posted a pumpkin pie recipe with One New Trick for the whipped cream, now you with the tip for the Tippleman’s which, naturally, I will HAVE to try. With Ice Cream. And pie. And booze.

            XD!

          • Suse

            If you’re going to wear pants, choose the ones with the expando-waistband!

  • Jennifer R

    Cornbread:
    1 cup flour
    1 cup corn meal
    1/2 cup milk
    3 tablespoons butter/oil
    2 teaspoons sugar
    1/2 teaspoon salt
    2 teaspoons baking powder (I use double acting)
    Preheat over to 375 and bake until golden and lightly brown on top, or pour in to your waffle iron and make cornbread waffle shapes.

    • Nasty Granny

      No eggs?

      • Jennifer R

        Two of them in fact!

        • Nasty Granny

          Whew, I feel better.

          • Jennifer R

            I made it without eggs once recently actually, did not come out well. I also made cookies with agave syrup instead of sugar because I was out (plus I think I added baking powder?) so they came out as sort of glossy (It was really off putting that they sheened even days later) pancakes.

  • tehbaddr

    For the more adventurous, some sort of canned smoked seafood adds a wonderful briny smokiness to counter the tart.

    • efoveks

      Just say it already! Smoked canned clams. There. There you go.

      • anwisok

        YOU MONSTER!!!1!!@!

        • Nounverb911

          Needs more geoducks!

          • Jennifer R

            I too strive to only eat penis shaped food.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            In public, I hope.

          • tehbaddr

            Note: fresh Geoduck at the sushi bar will swell when smacked with the side of the chef’s knife, kinda frightening.

      • FauxAntocles

        Smoking clams will be forbidden in the new regime!

        • Nounverb911

          So no using lit twenties to light cigars?

          • Shoto

            Lit $100’s libelz!

        • UncleTravelingMatt

          It should be. They always get my papers wet. Very difficult to light.

      • Resistinceisnotfutile

        That is going to be murder on my bong…

    • Resistance Fighter MausFeet

      There it is. Wouldn’t be a proper food post without it.

  • Anna Rompage

    Menu question;

    Now that my boss doesn’t have to pay me overtime, and the Obamas have bought up every turkey in the nation to feed their privileged celebrity friends, would this cranberry dish go well along side a serving of Mac & cheese with cut up hot dogs?

    • Mayor_Mayor_Mayor

      A better question would be, what won’t go well alongside a serving of Mac & cheese with cut up hot dogs? We need to know what foods to avoid in the coming YOOGE depression.

      • nightmoth

        During the former Great Depression, my grandma kept pigs, and when pig-killing time came (about now) they ate everything, including the brains, which is supposed to be good with toast & eggs. So that’s one I probably will NOT get hungry enough to eat.

    • MynameisBlarney

      Yes.

    • Blacktop Cadence

      Kraft or Velveeta Shells and Cheese?

  • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

    I will definitely try this recipe. But, since I got a waffle iron for my birthday (don’t ask), I am starting a new food tradition at our house, WAFFLE WEDNESDAYS!. Waffle’s, cranberry sauce and a little maple syrup. YUM.

    • Anna Rompage

      Time to perfect your fried chicken recipe and make chicken waffle with a side of sausage gravy!

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        You get me, you really, really get me. America’s Test Kitchen here I come for some new recipes.

      • shivaskeeper

        Cause it’s almost a holiday devoted to stuffing your face till you can’t move, here’s my sausage gravy:

        1 lb bulk sausage, hot for preference.
        2tbsp butter
        1/4 cup flour
        3 cups whole milk
        salt/pepper to taste.

        Brown sausage in pan and remove, leave drippings. Melt butter in pan and add flour, stir till smooth and brown over med heat. Whisk in milk and stir/cook till thickened. Salt/pepper to taste, re add sausage, simmer 8-10 minutes.

        That should be enough for like 4? people and a few biscuits. But this one is scaleable so double or triple even is fine. Just play around with the milk/flour a bit to get it as thick as you want it. But if you want it thinner, you’re a heathen and shouldn’t make this.

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Waffle Wednesdays will wow women world wide while watching their mates cook.

    • NeverNormalizingKatie

      This person has selflessly dedicated themselves to testing what you can, and can’t, waffle.

      https://www.willitwaffle.com/will-it-waffle/

      here’s a seasonally appropriate stuffle recipe
      https://www.willitwaffle.com/will-it-waffle/?offset=1448576136142

      • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

        Holy cow! I had no idea the world of waffles was so exciting. I bought the recipe book and am simply a-tingle awaiting it’s delivery. Thanks for the link!

        • NeverNormalizingKatie

          The husband found the site when he was insisting we could too make mac and cheese waffles. He won. And they’re amazing.

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            AHHHHHH! MAC AND CHEESE WAFFLES? No more spoilers! I really can’t wait now. Good lord, my daughter the mac and cheese nut will sing your praises for this.

          • Resistinceisnotfutile

            Throw some BACON in it!!!!!!1!1!!1!eleventy!!1!11

          • WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot

            AHHHHH! WAFFLE MAC AND CHEESE AND BAC…..

        • Doug Langley

          You can do anything with waffles!

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H12W0ujJp1M

    • Rise Up, Demme!

      try these “boot track” choc. cookies!
      http://www.eatingwell.com/recipe/249561/boot-tracks/

  • Señor Skwerl!

    This will be plenty for eight or so people.
    Speak for yourself. This is a cranberry appetizer for me. Just change “pounds” to “metric tons”.

  • Jeffocaster in the desert

    I was cookin’ part time celebrate Thanksgiving crime
    The boss told me to make ghee
    He told me several times that he didn’t like my kind
    ‘Cause Trump said that was the way to be
    Seems that I was busy doing something paid close to nothing
    Even less than the day before
    That’s when I saw it, ooh, I saw it
    It poured out from the can lord, can lord
    It was some
    Cranberry puree
    The kind you find in a Wal Mart store
    Cranberry puree
    And if it was warm it would slide on the floor
    Cranberry puree
    I think I love it

    • Rise Up, Demme!

      thank you for this thanksgiving tribute to Prince!

  • Jennifer R

    Have some gravy to go with your cornbread found below:
    2 tablespoons of flour
    2 tablespoons of butter
    2 cups of milk
    1/2 teaspoon+ salt
    black pepper to taste
    brown flour and butter in a sauce pan, pour in milk and stir in the salt. Stir over medium heat, at or below a simmer until it thickens (it will stay thin for several minutes then thicken fairly fast). You can mix in drippings or bacon pieces or what have you if you feel inclined, or use as is for biscuits or eggs or pancakes/waffles.

  • Nounverb911

    For your Thanksgiving reading pleasure, the New Yorker offers you some new classic Thanksgiving stories.

    https://twitter.com/NewYorker/status/801508132912558080

    • tehbaddr

      But Xanax and a warm puppy can’t be beat!

  • NeverNormalizingKatie
  • My mom and I have said FUCK IT. We’re having a big-ass bloody-rare STEAK tomorrow. And we’ll be fucking thankful we made that decision, dammit. But we are having pumpkin pie. We’re not animals.

    • Resistance Fighter Astraea

      Yum!

    • shivaskeeper

      With cool whip, or actual whipped cream?

      • The real stuff.

        • Resistinceisnotfutile

          Damn skippy…

  • Jennifer R

    Alfredo sauce! This stuff is koch brothers rich so I make it maybe three times a decade so be warned.
    you will need:
    2 cups grated parmesan cheese
    garlic (as much as you want I use a head (fuck you) but you could use a clove or two if you suck)
    1/2 pint heavy cream
    2 teaspoons salt (I think this is right)
    1 1/2 sticks of butter (It might be two I doubt it matters with everything else)
    Brown the garlic (I use a hand held garlic masher) in the butter, stir in the cream and melt in the cheese, stir in the salt. Store and reheat separately as some settling may occur.

    • tehbaddr

      No triple cream?

      • Jennifer R

        You can drink Irish Cream while you make it if that helps?

    • Shanana Republic
      • Jennifer R

        I believe you should taste your calories.

        • Shanana Republic

          I’m not sobbing about the calories, it’s all the dairy. That much of it and in all those forms is a disaster for me. But it looks so good I’m tempted to risk it.

          • Jennifer R

            Yup, a nice bowl of ice cream is enough to get my insides all jumbled up for me too. One of many reasons it’s a few times a decade dish.

          • Shanana Republic

            Thanks for helping me feel like not so much of a freak! I haven’t had a proper bowl of ice cream since my daughter’s 2nd birthday party 13 years ago. Before I ate a “normal” bowl of ice cream, I took probably half a dozen lactaid pills and still wanted to shoot myself for the next 4 hours.

          • Jennifer R

            The truth is that many more people are mildly lactose intolerant than you think. Maybe as much as 25% of the planet.

  • Truthiness2U

    Your cranberry recipe sounds almost as good as the one I use (almost) http://americanfood.about.com/od/holidayclassics/r/cabcransauce.htm but then I’m more of a cabernet than burbon person.

  • dslindc

    This sounds good. I, also too, have a recipe for real cranberry compote. It is more complex and time consuming, probably because I am pretentious. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

    • tehbaddr

      Probably ;^}

  • tehbaddr

    Finally getting around to dry brining the Turkey Breast. Is an 8 lb Turkey Breast monstrous? I hear they can’t fuck anymore so we have to artificially inseminate these monster fowl.

  • yyyaz

    It’s way more fun to cook this same or similar recipe on top of the stove. If you are one of those peepz who likes to pop bubble wrap, the hot, scarringly scalding cranberries give you the same satisfaction but enhanced by the element of danger. Beginners should use a long wooden or nylon berry-popper.
    BTW, Ken, this whole election debacle is your fault.

  • LesBontemps

    I have been making this Cranberry Business every year since Ken Layne (PBUH) first posted this recipe 146 years ago or whatever and it is a winner every time. However, I omit the part where I go outside to yell at a Mexican, since they’re usually sitting right in the living room. (Okay, Bolivians, same thing.)

  • shaar dula

    its not even started yet, I already want to put some food on my family.

  • The Outraged Ms. MLG

    It’s officially Thanksgiving! There is cream cheese all over the kitchen and in my hair! I am sticky as hell and when I look at the kitchen, I want to burn down the house!

    • yyyaz

      I have found that B-52s are helpful in this situation.

    • Jonny On Maui

      Hmmm… Why do I feel like licking you like a cat?

      • Because you are appropriately filthy?

        • Jonny On Maui

          Thank you! I do try…

      • The Outraged Ms. MLG

        Fine, but I’m gonna need you to lick the kitchen walls and cabinets, too. ;)

        • Jonny On Maui

          As the main course. Are you okay with being dessert? :-)

          • The Outraged Ms. MLG

            I’m too damn sweet to be anything else! ;)

    • Rick Hill

      Instructions unclear, wenis stuck in ceiling fan. That level of mayhem?

      • The Outraged Ms. MLG

        I only reach Defcon 1 when I use tools or do math.

  • Carpe Vagenda

    Just for giggles and especially if you’re using bourbon try throwing a few pieces of candied ginger and a cinnamon stick in some time.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    I want to see the Ken Layne-Susan Stamburg cage match to find out once and for all whose weird cranberry recipe is the best.

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