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Awww, he's even saying you're awesome on HIS birthday. WHAT A GUY!
Awww, he’s even saying you’re awesome on HIS birthday. WHAT A GUY!

Stop the newsreels, for it’s time to sing a lustful, off-key rendition of the Marilyn Monroe birthday song, not to the president of the world, but to the VICE PRESIDENT of the world, Old Handsome Joe Biden! He turns 73-many-years-old today, and he is still a dreamboat.

Let’s go ahead and get this picture out of the way, so everybody can fap to the OHJB of their choice during this post:

evan hurst. just kidding, it's young handsome joe biden!
In our bunks we will ever be.

So, Joe has had a tough year, and that’s sayin’ something, because he’s had a LOT of tough years. He lost his beloved son, Beau, who he referred to as the “finest man any of us have ever known.” Just before Beau died, he tweeted this picture of his dad, and we all got blubbering sob tears in our eyes:

beau biden and dad

As the vice president spent the next several months grieving, CNN (to whom we once again say “fuck you”) and other players in the media-political complex pushed him and begged him and cajoled him to run for president, something he clearly did not want to do. Ted Cruz and all the rest of the wingnut dicks couldn’t hold back from being disgusting cum-socks toward OHJB, both immediately after Beau died, and also when Joe finally said, “No, I am not running, go the fuck away,” because wingnuts are bad people.

Also, Joe was exposed as a binky thief, a crime that will go on his Permanent Record:

Biden-binky

And he got mauled in the cutest puppy-dog fight ever. Why you gotta maul Joe Biden, all you puppies?

Kiss it and make it all better.
See? He has a boo boo.

There were high points though! Like when he gave the best speech in the history of speeches, about how he was gay for gay marriage long before gays were gay for it, because his dad taught him what it meant to be a loving human person.

Anyway, he’s a swell old chap, and we are very For Glad he is not running for president. Maybe he can enjoy this year and chill the fuck out. WOULD THAT BE OK WITH YOU, GOD?

Of course, no Old Handsome Joe Biden birthday would be complete without a giant birthday card, so feel free to sign it. It’s down there in the comments, which are not allowed!

And once you’ve done that, you’ll probably want to get yourself a little something to make the day special, so how about Joe Biden all over your coffee cup? You have two choices! There is the “I just administered a whoopin’ to that yappy asswipe Ted Cruz” one:

Smokin-Joe-300x300

And there is the “I am so handsome, don’t you want me in your mouth right now?” one:

oldhansomejoecup1-300x300

Either will put just the right amount of sexxxy goodness into YOUR Morning Joe. (Not the MSNBC show, because ewwww.)

Or maybe you have a Classic iPhone 5, and want a Classic Man to decorate it with. We have a thing for that!

Call me maybe.
Call me maybe.

Or maybe you’ve just gotten so sexcited reading this post you broke all your panties. Well, Wonkette panties don’t have Joe Biden on them, but they gots teeth!

Burning with a desire for reconciliation, these panties are.

All items available in the Wonkette Bazaar, of course. Let’s look at one more picture of our birthday boy, to finish this fap session up right:

This is actually an adult doggie now. Good dog, Champ!
PUPPY!

Happy birthday, Joe! Yr Wonkette loves you THIS MUCH.

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