Hey Wonkerinos, it’s Sunday where we live! Is it Sunday were you live, or do you live in space or something? Don’t care, if you are reading this, it’s Sunday, which means it’s time for us to sexxxily count down the week’s top stories. They are the best stories in the universe, at least this week!
But quickly, first, we will do housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, which involves buying the t-shirt of the Democratic candidate of your choice! If you love Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? Oh look, it is Wonkers, wearing both of the shirts! They’re not punching each other or anything! That’s because Democrats are grown-ups.
Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, and we work SO HARD to bring you all the bestsest and brightest stories. And some of us probably need new computers soon. So please to give us $5, so we can stay up until stupid-thirty doing PULITZER-WORTHY coverage for you. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them from sea to shining sea, and also on the other side of the seas, if you have friends who are foreigns!
1. If you haven’t met him yet, you will need to be learning about the cockfightin’, teabaggin’ asshole Kentucky elected governor this week, Matt Bevin. Remember that name, as there will likely be many “what a dumbass” stories to tell about him.
2. Ted Cruz doesn’t seem to care if he “accidentally” blows somebody’s head off, because, regardless of what gun he’s carrying, he doesn’t seem to follow the rules of gun safety, which are the same, NO MATTER WHAT.
3. Yr Wonket CALLED IT! Dumb Duggar kids basically admit that oh yeah, their “mission trip” is more like a sexxxy beach vacation for Jesus. Uh huh.
4. Speaker Paul Ryan pretty damn sure he’s the only American who deserves weekends. He is A Asshole.
5. Oh look, Duggars again. Who will be the next Duggars to fall out of the tree of sidehugs and start boning their “courtship” partners like a common Bristol Palin? WHO CAN SAY?
6. We sure do like President Don’t Give A Fuck. Watch your president Barry Bamz Obama mock those dumb-dumb Republicans, right to their face.
7. Surprise, Dr. Ben Carson’s latest pyramid scheme involves actual pyramids! Not the kind you bury bodies in, no way. The kind where Bible guys like Joseph STORE GRAIN.
8. Idiot Nevada Assemblywoman Michele Fiore will represent boobs, guns, and more boobs and guns, in Congress!
9. Yr Wonket beated up A Idiot today and it was great, also, too. WONKET MANIFESTO!
10. Can we see Ben Carson’s birth certificate, just to prove he was really born? It’s a valid question, he could be lying about that too.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst, @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.
Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!
Okay, we’re going to eat all the Mexican food that ever existed and will see you tomorrow.