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Take that, Ohio, fuckers. NOW you wish you were stoned.
Take that, Ohio fuckers. NOW you wish you were stoned.

Hey, Toledo, whatcha doin? Not smoking legal pot? WE HEARD. And we also heard you had “reasons” for not legalizing it. Whatever, you do you, with your “principles.” But we aren’t even having this conversation right now, Toledo, because you don’t even EXIST anymore. Just a little while ago, God deleted your account, sending fireballs of destruction, and dragons from hell, and whatever else He had in His holy arsenal of weapons, because YOU, unfaithful heathen toadfucks, failed to elect His girlfriend, prophetess Opal Covey, as your mayor. Oh Toledo, what hath you wrought?

We learned you about Opal last month. She’s 75 in human years but AGELESS in prophet years, and she’s been running for Toledo mayor (and losing) since 2000. The seat, according to Opal (AND ACCORDING TO JESUS) is rightfully hers, though, which makes it unfortunate how corrupt Toledo voters keep stealing the election from her by voting for other people.

Oh, and did we mention she speaks in tongues? Yep, she’s fluent in that BLOBBER BLOBBER Jesus gibberish true believers ejaculate out their mouth-holes when they’re being led by the Holy Spirit.

Jesus's favorite prophet.
There’s Opal! She’s doing tongue-yapping for Jesus at a nice radio man.

Anyway, she lost Tuesday night.¬†And not only did she lose, but Toledo voters stuck their fingers in Jesus’s eyes REAL hard, giving her less than one percent of the vote!

So hey, Toledo, this is you right now LOL:

toledo

Can you tell a difference? Opal had PLANS FOR YOU. She was going to replace your entire downtown with amusement parks, but instead you chose poorly and now this is you:

boehner7

The pope isn’t coming to save your beloved Ohio city of Toledo, John Boehner, not after what they did to Opal. She was going to get rid of the tyranny of cameras at red lights, didn’t you want that? But instead you voted for that other lady, and now this is you:

Back by unpopular demand

Yeah. Sucks, doesn’t it? You did it to yourself. And good gracious Jesus in heaven, you voted down legal weed, and you know who ELSE doesn’t like free-range garden-fresh Ohio-raised marijuana? Yes, that’s right. Opal, your personal emissary from Jesus. She says it gives “leeway to the Devil,” who is apparently Nick Lachey of the 98 Degrees boy band.

nick-lachey-deodorant-o

And now you’ve denied Opal again, like Peter did to Jesus, EXCEPT SO MUCH MORE, and now this is you:

dantespeak

That’ll teach you to deny The Lord Your God. Enjoy being a Not City, Toledo. IT’S YOUR FUNERAL.

[JoeMyGod / Toledo Blade]

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