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College, boy, I don't know
College, boy, I don’t know

Dr. Rand Paul has put a pin in his prissy plaints about his dressing room not being fancy-pants enough to dole out some real good advice to the kids these days:

The main thing I would say is that nothing’s free. If someone offers you something for free, treat it as if they’re offering you heroin and think about the repercussions of what is free and what is a drug, an addicting drug like heroin and the ramifications of that. There’s nothing free. It just means somebody else is gonna pay for it, you don’t see them.

Cool, brah. Got it. Don’t accept free heroin from anyone, in Dr. Rand Paul’s professional self-certified medical opinion. Thanks for the tip.

Oh, but wait. Rand Paul isn’t talking about drugs, literal-style. He’s talking about the even more dangerous addiction Democratic dealers are trying to push on Kids These Days: free college education.

So the plumber, the welder, the carpenter, the people who don’t go to college are being asked to pay for your education. The people who are without children going to college — they’re all being asked to pay for your education. What we should be asking ourselves is why the education is so expensive and what can we do to bring it down.

Right. That is how we finance public education, by asking all Americans, even the non-breeders, to pay for it. The same way we ask Americans to chip in for the Pentagon’s fancy toys and boner pills and Rand Paul’s salary. Public education is like that, ya see? Because it is good for all of U.S. America if we can read words good and count to however many fingers we have on our three hands.

Rand Paul might understand this basic concept if he hadn’t spent his college years jerking off to Ayn Rand and pretend-kidnapping hot co-eds, while high as fuck on Aqua Buddha ganja joints of reefer, which is a gateway drug to being a senator from Kentucky.

Naturally, Dr. Rand Paul has a solution to the problem of kids shootin’ up free college in back alleys. Just kidding, of course he does not. But he has an “interim” solution, until the Free Market provides something even better:

In the interim, I would allow every college student to deduct the principal and the interest — the entire cost of them going to college — and then you deduct it over your entire working career.

Sounds like a fool-proof plan, for those who enter the work force after college. As for those good family values types who decide to opt-out and stay home with their kids, ensuring sufficient parental involvement so their kids don’t grow up to be criming drunk thugs, like Rand Paul’s son? Well, they’ll have to eat the full cost of college, apparently. Or maybe that’s one detail he just hasn’t worked out yet.

Of course, one could argue that allowing college grads to deduct their education from their taxes will necessarily force childless carpenters to make up the difference with their taxes anyway. Nothing’s free, like the good doctor said, and those hard Pentagon dicks gotta be paid for somehow.

But again, let’s not bother with the details. Rand has a really cool other idea to drive down the cost of education. Have you kids ever heard of the internet? It’s gonna be big:

I would also break up the educational monopoly, and I would allow the internet to blossom. If you had the internet blossoming, what would happen is the price per pupil would go virtually to nothing, and the internet would also connect you with the best teachers in the entire world.

If we could just find a way to make Internets happen, why, students would pay almost nothing at all, which is even better than paying actual nothing, because that’s how you end up strung out chasing the education dragon. But wait, it gets better still!

Imagine a hundred professors that would be able to get together and sell their services to the entire world, not just one university, but the entire world, to convince them that they can be more financially successful and rewarded doing this, but then the pupil would get a cheaper and cheaper educational experience as it spreads throughout the world using the internet.

So in Rand Paul’s America, unleash all the professors IN THE WORLD onto the internet, where they can compete against every other professor IN THE WORLD for shiny nickels from students. Fuck yeah, free market!

How those professors are supposed to make a livable wage, if they’re all trying to underbid each other, well, that’s another one of those details Rand will figure out later, probably. Maybe they can deduct the cost of doing Internet professoring, so they won’t go broke trying push “knowing stuff” on the masses? Ah, but nuts, that just puts even more burden on the childless carpenter, doesn’t it?

Figuring stuff out sure is hard. But at least Rand Paul’s “interim” higher education reform idea is dumb enough for us to at least give him the benefit of the doubt that he actually thunked this one up himself, inside of his own head, instead of plagiarizing it from someone else, for once.

[BuzzFeed]

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  • PubOption

    Rand, I’m sure that you have been trying to bring down public education for your entire political career.

    • BadKitty904

      In revenge, I’m guessing…

      • Doug White

        No, just to level the playing field for his constituents…

    • DemmeFatale

      And bringing down public ed. is SO good for property values, etc.
      (rolls eyes)

  • So, if I understand this right, the free market is to Regressives what heroin is to plumbers and carpenters?

    • chicken thief

      I always associated crack with plumbers.

  • Nounverb911

    I bet Rand Paul would accept a free ‘servicing’ from Ayn Rand just like Alan Greenspan did.

  • Mavenmaven

    Or you can just be like Rand and give yourself diplomas and titles without needing all those liebural professors at medical school.

  • MrBlobfish

    There’s nothing free? Halloween must really suck at the Rand ranch. “Get out of here, ya moochers”!

    • dslindc

      Those kids need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get their own candy!

    • schmannity

      You think candy corn grows on an ear or Reese’s Peanut Buttercups grow on actual buttercups? Now scram.

    • chicken thief

      But treated so lovingly at the Josh Duggar and Dennis Hastert abodes…

    • Doug Langley

      “Here’s a Hershey bar, gumdrops, and Gummi Bears. That’ll be $10, please.”

    • handyhippie65

      hey, i paid for that candy with this really cute costume. in the words of bart simpson, trick or treat is a contract, no treat, trick you.

  • FauxAntocles

    Rising tides lift all boats – and tides rise from the bottom up.

    • Nounverb911

      Global warming lifts all boats too, also.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        And carrying lighter things, like a ton of feathers instead of a ton of lead.

      • BackDoorMan

        … until some damn Storm Of The Century ™ capsizes them.

    • Anarchy Pony

      It helps if you actually have a boat.

    • Querolous

      Rising tides lift all boats unless your anchor chain is too short.

      • theCryptofishist

        Or your boat has a hole in the hull.

  • FauxAntocles

    If you want the internet to blossom, kill ISP monopolies.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Monopoles? I blame the particle theorists.

      • mailman27

        I blame Parker Bros. And, of course, I Accuse My Parents.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Rand would say: “monopolies can only happen because of government.”
      Standard right libertardian talking point.
      Of course he neglects to mention that only government failing to break up the monopoly is what allows it to persist.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Rand! Wait! I like it! And in this New World Country of Not Free Enterprise (TM), we could charge everybody to be, like, Senators and Representatives, which, if they ever did a lick of work, they could deduct from their taxes!…Whoo boy this Ayn Randy shit sure should catch on!…

  • BadKitty904

    David Lynch has a lot to answer for, is all I’m sayin’…

  • WackMeStupid

    So my local library is like a methadone clinic? Who knew….

    • Nounverb911

      Get’em while they’re young with ‘Story Time’.

  • Nounverb911

    If Ayn Rand wrote that government is the problem, then why are you in the government Randy?

    • BadKitty904

      And cashing a fat paycheck of tax-payer dollars for doing nothing? Some things ARE free, I reckon…

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Half the time, I think that “libertarianism” and “wishful thinking” are two words for the same thing.*

    The other half, I’m blossoming all over the Internet.

    *EDIT: Three words. Math is hard.

    • Doug White

      Libertarianism is much more of code for “The person who is bigger, stronger, better connected locally or has more guns wins…”

      • DemmeFatale

        I like how Argie sums it up: “Fuck you, I’ve got mine!”

    • Msgr_Moment

      Blossoming all over the Internet? There’s certainly enough fertilizer online.

  • JoeChristmas

    And all graduates could make their own self-certified, personally accredited diplomas!

    • Nounverb911

      It would certainly be easier than taking the Architecture Licensing Exam.

    • Painter of Goats

      Well, if it’s good enough for Jeb!’s campaign posters…

  • Spotts1701

    Why, this plan simply cannot fail. After all, no one would use “the Internet” to scam people into phony-baloney diploma mills. That would just be wrong.

  • BeachLoafer

    So, is it reasonable to assume Rand Paul hasn’t paid college tuition, because otherwise he’d know there are an assortment of pretty substantial deductions and credits for it? Even for other expenses (including interest) related to higher education also too.

    And guess what? It STILL costs a shitload!!1!

    I know Rand hates the IRS and all, but maybe someone on his staff could’ve breezed through that internet thingy to see if there might already be some laws out there about this stuff, what with him being a senator and all …

  • schmannity

    Let’s start with banning Wildcat basketball. Clean your own Kentucky home first.

    • chicken thief

      Where the hell the NBA gonna git their new players from if you ban Wildcat basketball?!! Huh? HUH?! You gotta thimk these things through!

      • From the blossoming internet! Heck, just go on youtube and watch homemade videos of players on playgrounds! Plenty to choose from there! (I was going to snark about the NCAA and $$$, but it’s not worth it.)

      • schmannity

        Hey, that’s an “urban sport” anyway.

  • ArgieBargie

    “So the plumber, the welder, the carpenter, the people who don’t go to college are being asked to pay for your education. The people who are without children going to college — they’re all being asked to pay for your education. What we should be asking ourselves is why the education is so expensive and what can we do to bring it down.”

    TL;DR: “Fuck you, I’ve got mine.”

    • Nounverb911

      What about the service academies? Why does Randy hate the military?

      • LarkintheAM

        Well, why not let our officers get their military education sitting in their mama’s basement? Since Rand’s an isolationist, we don’t need no stinkin’ officer corps anyways.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      And we can answer ourselves – it’s because colleges are run for profit. If only there was a way to get around that….

      • DahBoner

        “Nope.” –University of Phoenix

    • Doug Langley

      I truly marvel at how it doesn’t bother him that the plumber, the welder, and the carpenter who don’t work in Washington are being asked to pay for his salary.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I would also break up the educational monopoly, and I would allow the internet to blossom. If you had the internet blossoming, what would happen is the price per pupil would go virtually to nothing, and the internet would also connect you with the best teachers in the entire world.

    Just like Amazon gives away those free e-books nowadays, right?

    Rand Paul: Derp too cheap to meter.

    • mailman27

      It’s so breathtakingly stupid it just might work!

  • weejee

    …instead of plagiarizing it from someone else

    Rand scooped that brown trout out of the bowl all by himself. Bet daddy sure is proud.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    The idea of something being run by the state for the good of all rather than privately as a profit stream for the lucky few is very threatening to some people.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Well shit, how are they supposed to exploit the shit outta desperate people if the state starts providing public services?

  • DahBoner

    I would also break up the educational monopoly, and I would allow the internet to blossom.

    Translation: All your classes will be Third Shift, because that’s more convenient for Teachers in India.

    https://media1.giphy.com/media/d9YpHmnGFp1ny/200w_d.gif

    • Or: “Welcome to the Physics 101 educational hotline. $9.95 for the first five minutes, 5.95 for each additional minute after that.”

      • DahBoner

        “Hello. This is Cletus from ‘Book Learning N’ Stuff’. We won the Arkansas no-bid contract….”

        • sw19womble

          “Lesson 1: What you heck you wanna go readin’ fer, boy?”

        • “Now y’all, what we’re all gonna talk about today this nu-, uh… nu-cul-0–nucular physics… shit, this stuff sounds hard. Hell, let me check wikipedia…”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        First hook them on Heisenberg’s Uncertainly Principle at $0.10 for five minutes, then charge them $9.95 per minute for particle physics.

        • bobbert

          They won’t know where they are!

    • And all those specialist in the medical field can make up their own certification boards, just like he did! Ka-ching!

  • Yes, Rand, I would have to pay for other people’s children to go to college.

    I’ve also spent all of my adult life paying for police and fire services that I’ve never used, but other people have.

    Why am I okay doing that? Because, God forbid, there might be a day when I need help and would like someone to be on the other end of that 911 call. Or because I don’t want to have to call the McFire Department and negotiate a fee for them to send a unit and put out my fire… or because putting out the fire at my neighbor’s house means it won’t spread to my house.

    That’s how the common good works.

    I want my doctor focused on me, not on how they’re going to pay back their college loans. It’s in my own self interest to divvy up the cost of their education with the other 350 million Americans.

    Jesus, son, this isn’t that hard to figure out.

    • BeachLoafer

      Well, it’s not that hard to figure out if you got an education from qualified teachers somewhere along the line …

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    • Hey, wait a minute, there’s a road out there that I haven’t driven on! I want my tax money back!

    • TheBidenator

      It is when you’re a selfish, resentful asshole who only wants people to cover YOUR costs and no one else’s (aka the GOP Congress)

    • LegionOfDo

      Not to mention that having more educated people in the country helps our society overall. Unless one is a Republican politician, that is. They are one of the few groups that benefits (with votes) when people are less educated.

  • arglebargle

    The cinnamon industrial complex should drop Huckabee like a hot, lumpy, shit filled potato and get this guy signed up to a long term contract immediately.

  • Joe Beese

    This guy? I thought he’d been ordered back to the Senate to defend his seat and stop wasting everyone’s time.

  • CapnFatback

    I had the internet blossoming last night, but then my wife got home and I had to clear the search history.

    • But it was educational, right?

      • Playonwords

        He knows all about being a lesbian – now, but it may require further study

        • CapnFatback

          I’m a prepared pupil: I plan to show to the first day of class with my pasties and scissoring!

    • handyhippie65

      two words, private browsing. you’re welcome.

  • JustPixelz

    When you’re smart, people need you, which is kinda bad news for Rand Paul…

    https://youtu.be/vbZbKHTjal8?t=140

  • arglebargle

    Let me guess, Rand went to Trump University?

  • Sgt. Gym Bunny

    “So the plumber, the welder, the carpenter, the people who don’t go to college are being asked to pay for your education.”

    What??? Show me any plumber, HVAC, electrician, welder etc., who complains about us la dee da, hoighty-toighty pointy heads getting our free educations when they’re getting paid good money to do shit we can’t be bothered to figure out to do ourselves. They ain’t exactly hurting for money. And besides, that’s skilled labor that generally requires schooling and certification (from a real certifying board).

    • DahBoner

      Never met a wrench turner who thought I was better off.

      Never.

      • Jeff Ackerman

        I work construction, took a job once driving a desk. It cut my pay 30% gained weight, couldn’t sleep at night, and the worse part was I couldn’t see what I accomplished. I quit and went back to operating cranes, best thing I did.

  • SK

    OK, I’m taking names, because I’m paying for the oxygen he’s sucking down.

    Which one of youz offered free air to Rand Paul? WHICH ONE?

  • CapnFatback

    Ya know, Paolo Freire criticized the “banking model” of education, as if knowledge were an artifact that could be deposited into the skulls of passive students. Were he only here to challenge Paul’s bankrupt model.

  • Bitter Scribe

    This guy’s still around?

  • Callyson

    So the plumber, the welder, the carpenter, the people who don’t go to college are being asked to pay for your education.

    So we’re agreed that it would be good to invest in vocational training then., so people can enter those relatively high-paying professions? Good to know!

    Wait. what?

    • Msgr_Moment

      A plumber, a welder, and a carpenter walk into university…..

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        New science building going up?

        • handyhippie65

          going back to school, ’cause they’re too old to swing a hammer, and too young to retire?

  • Thaumaturgist

    The reason for no behind shots is so no one can read the candidates’ notes? That maybe Rand wrote on his legs?

  • Callyson

    Also, too: if free education were as strong a drug as heroin is, wouldn’t we all still be in grad school or something? This doesn’t even make any sense on the face of it, Aqua Buddha…

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      That’s a lot more concise than “No Hope” which is also true.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Dope, also, too.

  • JMP

    “If you had the internet blossoming, what would happen is the price per pupil would go virtually to nothing, and the internet would also connect you with the best teachers in the entire world.”

    Suuure it would, that’s why the online for-profit colleges have made education work so much better, and aren’t all just a bunch of scams designed to gather up federal student loan money off the back of their students who, thanks to inadequate education from a diploma mill, will never be able to pay them back.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Um, say there, Rand? People have to go through some sort of edumacation to become plumbers, welders, etc. whether it be through a trade school or apprenticeship. They don’t just wake up one day knowing how to wield a welding torch, ya fuckin’ dumbass.

    • artem1s

      they just certify themselves, right? no medical degree necessary!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        My family has certified me as a licensed electrician. At least they say I’m a real live wire.

    • Angry_Cop

      I was a certified welder (have let that lapse). Took four years to get me there. Save for the injuries and the inevitable cancer, I kinda wish I’d done that for a living instead of college, I’d have been far better off financially.

      • DahBoner

        Getting rich on those fat $700 a month SSI disability payments?

        Lucky Ducky.

    • theCryptofishist

      Hey! I woke up one day knowing how to wield a welding torch.

      Woke up the next day in a cheap hotel provided by the Red Cross, cause I burned my house down, but that’s just a detail.

  • Beowoof14

    Demonstrably not understanding tax policy and how taxes and education work is a problem. Sure I can go online right now and find a Free MOOC (Massive Open Online Course) but who would evaluate whether I learned anything to be attractive in the open market. Details, details.

    • BigBoppa

      Rand has that worked out. You just grade your own papers and self certify your diploma.

  • chicken thief

    Does Randy even know that MIT and a bunch of other colleges make a lot of their course work available online?

    • TheBidenator

      A lot of colleges do, like my alma madder Oregon State which has one of the best online programs in the country. The problem is the cost per credit hour is much higher doing distance learning, so much so that it only appealed to me when I was recovering from my massive leg injury and when I was working. Rand Paul is just an idiot….

      • chicken thief

        I don’t think the classes I was referring to are fully accredited, though they seem to be moving in that direction. These are free unless you want certificates or other recognition.

        https://www.edx.org/

      • Anarchy Pony

        Go beavers!

        • bobbert

          A sensible plan for a Better America.

          (H/T, BK)

    • LarkintheAM

      MIT’s coursework that’s available on line in essence allows you to audit the class. SO if you want to take, say, the Intro to Robotics course, and have access to the text, you can “take” the class. It’s just no evaluation/no credit.

  • Playonwords

    Internet education isn’t free, “Dr” Rand Dumbass. There is a fully accredited online university, it’s called The Open University

    The cost is £16,200 (about $25,000) over 6 years

  • Jenny

    I do online Internets classes. They fucking suck. I’m pretty much punished for having to go to class online. I wish I could go to class in person so I wouldn’t have to go through all the damn hoops.

    • chicken thief

      I did a few, just for funz from edX and Coursara. Nothing I needed a grade or credit for, so they weren’t too bad.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I audited a course about Lesbian Positions on PornHub and all I got was a lousy computer virus.

        • TheBidenator

          Ah my favorite class Trib watching 101! If that happened then ur doin’ it wrong…

      • Jenny

        It’s awful. I do significantly more work online than I did in a classroom.

        Plus the community college I go to gates the classes. So even if you buckle down and do all the syllabus in two weeks, you can’t turn anything in or have to sit on conference web calls with your “class” to meet participation requirements.

        I’d love self paced classes, get the shit done, be on to the next course.

        • DahBoner

          Well, it’s not a class if you ain’t bored, it’s just learning.

  • Count Awesome

    If the professors were all online they would be less concerned with having to undercut each other for a wage and more concerned about some how being able to compete with all the porn sites.

    • mailman27

      A great opportunity for the adjuncts to make even less money as they take up more of the teaching load.

  • Hutch

    “The hurdy-gurdies, the birdies, the cop on the beat;
    The candy maker, the baker, the man on the street;
    The city charmer, the farmer, the man in the moon;
    All pay for college for you!”

  • chicken thief

    GREAT IDEA, Rand! Cause ever fucking kid in the US has ready access to a decent computer and high speed internetz.

    • Anarchy Pony

      They could use the library! But Rand probably wants to dismantle those too…

      • And even if he doesn’t there’s the matter of access to libraries. It’s a barrier to the disabled. More thoughts he hasn’t thinked.

        • Anarchy Pony

          “More thoughts he hasn’t thinked”
          Yeah, that sums Rand up pretty well.

    • Doug Langley

      Let me tell about all the “computer savvy” students I get. As in: “Mr Doug, my mouse slipped and clicked the wrong answer on the test, could you change it?” “I couldn’t upload the assignment, something went wrong, could you just give me full credit for it?” Etc.

  • TimJ

    I’m pretty sure I’ve commented on the featured pic before, but I’m still mystified as to what the f Senator is wearing on his feet… Everything wrong with the world.

    • Tansy Geek

      I believe is wearing the Frankstein monster’s Birkenstocks.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Just wait until one of those 100 greatest professors teach a section of Intro to English Composition with 10,000 studentrading papers will be a thrill.

  • TheBidenator

    “If you had the internet blossoming, what would happen is the price per pupil would go virtually to nothing”
    Wat? This is so stupid and ignorant I cannot even comment on it…oh yes I can, have you checked the cost per credit hour of on campus versus distance education you puss filled hair boil? What a freaking moron….

  • chicken thief

    I think it’s a great idea for every college student to just deduct the full cost of their education over their lifetime.

    But how does that help those THAT CAN’T GET THE MONEY UP FRONT?!!!

    • BigBoppa

      They should just bootstrap up and borrow a million bucks from dad or live off their stock dividends like a real murrican.

  • SullivanSt

    Oh great, another itemized deduction to primarily benefit the rich.

    Fuck you right in your upwardly redistributionist earhole, Senator.

  • Angry_Cop

    I realized something the other night when consoling my wife (who is a teacher) after yet another shitty day at her job. That would be every day.

    America hates teachers. Just fucking hates them. And that’s bipartisan. If Ryan had proposed making teachers assemble in an arena, there to scramble after spare change thrown by the crowds of Americans still bitter about having to work for their grades in high school, he’d sell the arena out every day and would be elected president by a 50-state sweep and probably upwards of 80 percent of the vote.

    • Doug Langley

      Upvote 10,000 times. (I’m a college instructor.)

    • DahBoner

      This was brought to my attention that people in other countries get education, not for the money, but for the Status.

  • AnOuthouse

    Dear Rand,
    Bernie has a plan where no plumbers, welders, or carpenters have to pay for your college education. It is paid for by a teeny, weeny tax on the casino that is the stock market. Its like magic. You like magic, especially when its practiced by an invisible hand. Its all good.

    • Zippy

      the sad part is- all the mouth breathers in the GOP will hear Rand et al babble about free stuff and absolutely believe they’re being asked to pay for someone else’s education (and once the dog whistles follow, we all know which someone else they’re talking about)

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Rand Paul does not know the difference between the verb “imagine” and the verb “hallucinate.”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Parasitical assholes like the Paul clan should be taxed until they bleed.

    Then taxed some more.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Tax his pants off, you might say.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Ah, yes, the internet, where one can find whatever information you could possibly want, no matter how inaccurate it may be.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Why the hell would plumbers, welders, and carpenters want a society to ensure their children and fellow citizens have easy access to higher education? It boggles the mind.

    • DahBoner

      Because the plumbers, welders, and carpenters were Chinese or Indian or Jewish or…etc

  • LarkintheAM

    Jeebus H on a sheepskin – hasn’t education been devalued enough for this clown? What the fuck is wrong with him? It’s easy to see that no one bothered to teach Dr. Paul the basics of economics while he was busy fapping to Atlas Shrugged and not finishing his undergraduate degree. Oh, btw, that medical degree you have wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for the “educational monopoly”. No one except the turpentine crowd would go to a doctor who earned his or her degree from an online medical school. So you can let the internet blossom right up your idiotic ass.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s a neo feudalist. He thinks that Fredrick the Great made a serious mistake by educating the peasants. Fredrick’s motivation was he wanted better cannon fodder, but the problem is that they started asking for shit of their obvious betters.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Basically what right libertardianism boils down to. Most of its proponents think they’ll be lords and knights, but we will all just be peasants.

      • theCryptofishist

        Those poor Prussians, Frederick makes one mistake, and suddenly, they got Bismarked.

    • Jenny

      Didn’t he make up his own accreditations?

      • LarkintheAM

        Only the Board certification. He never finished his undergraduate degree, but Duke admitted him to medical school anyway, and he did graduate from there with an M.D. He also did a residency there and passed his first real Ophthalmology boards, but then decided that he didn’t want to have to do all of that pesky continuing education stuff nor take any more exams, so he made up his own board and declared himself certified by it. This “self accreditation” was never accepted by the AMA, and he had to stop referring to himself as “Board certified” after the real board objected him listing himself as such.

  • Tansy Geek

    Fuck Yeah Free Market. Worst.Tumblr.Ever.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Actually our current system is a lot like the drug trade. You get that gateway K-12 education for free. But that’s always the way. The first one is always free. Now, if you want to keep using that sweet college education, well, you gotta pay and keep paying for the rest of your life. Before you know it you’re hooked.

    It’s getting so you can’t walk past a college campus without some strung-out book junkie offering to suck your dick for just one more semester of “Comparative Religions” or some dirty hipster trying to panhandle cash so he can just get another hit of Proust.

    It’s disgusting, I tell you.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Let’s look at all the other vastly successful countries where such policies are pursued:

    • LarkintheAM

      Ah, but America is exceptional. We are *so* much better at self-delusion that all the rest of the world combined. Amurrica! Fuck yeah!

      • Anarchy Pony

        We do have a much more effective propaganda system than most other countries.

  • Lanco Yokel

    Sorry, Rand, but I’m not grading the entire world’s final exams.

    • jmk

      Pffft grades!! That’s adorable!

      In Dr. Randy’s Imaginary World, grades aren’t necessary. Everybody just gets a participation trophy and then claims to be educated!

  • Zippy

    Was Rand Paul actually on heroin when he wrote that?

    • SethDamien

      Looks like he’s nodding off without pants.

      • theCryptofishist

        Yes, I was wondering about pants, too. Well, not too hard, because Rand Paul’s pants? Yuck!

    • AnOuthouse

      Jeb fixed him.

  • whitroth

    Hey, competing against all the other professors in the world, that’s like Uber for Education, right?

    Did this maroon* ever take a lecture class? Y’know, where you’re in a hall with 200, 300, or 400 other students? Then, how many paid-like-crap not tenured T/A’s actually answered your questions or helped you (or told you to get a tutor, never mind what you’re paying for your education already)… and how much one-on-one time did you get with that professor?

    All goes along with the “let’s get rid of tenure” crap, so all instructors and professors need to get food stamps….

    mark

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    So education is like heroin? A perfectly good pain killer that some few people become addicted to? And makes some few people puke? Good to know.

  • Zippy

    So plumbers, welders and carpenters don’t want to ever go to college, nor do they want their children to go? Is that what you’re saying Rand? BTW my house hasn’t burned down, so I want my money back for all the years I’ve been paying towards the fire department…

  • Zippy

    Also too, I was just reading a study this morning that shows that online only courses tend to fail miserably compared to their brick and mortar counterparts. After one year, most online only students are behind by the equivalent of being absent half the school year. Brilliant plan there, Doctor…

    • RoyalUglyDude

      At least it might cut down on campus shootings, right?

    • MyDogsAreSmarterThanYou

      The biggest reason for that is most people don’t know how to manage their time effectively enough to be successful with online courses. Also, online classes vary immensely from course to course in how they are structured.

    • AncienReggie

      I’d feel compelled to butt in here. There are also some very good studies showing that online education done right can be a superb pedagogical modality. The process of putting all communication — questions and answers, classroom discussion — into written form actually enriches the learning process. Having said that, though, let me emphasize the phrase “online education done right.”

      • Zippy

        Apparently it’s not being done right then, because the study I read showed dismal results for online students

  • diogenez
  • JohnR

    Get educated over the internet? The way AGW denier Trolls or every other sub set of RWNJ internet Troll gets (mis)informed? This unmarried, childless, carpenter would like kids to go to college because they are too stupid to do construction.

    • david green

      That is exactly why I went to college.

    • edith prickly

      Or the antivaxxers with their Google U degrees. They love to talk about all the “research” they do.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    State subsidies go down, tuition goes up.
    You can’t explain that.

  • Jimbo2112

    Presumably, as someone with a “Dr.” in front of his name, at some point he went to college.

    And yet, it’s almost as though he has no real grasp on the concept at all.

  • Marla

    Yeah, heroin. So, what’s the betting that Randy Dandy here thought heroin was that “singer chick from New Zealand with the bitchin’ hair” (wish I had hair like that) or “something” burnt out rock critics only talked about when it came to Lou Reed records??

    The rest of his crap I refuse to comment on. Just more of the same Rethuglicon cloaked racism.

  • DahBoner
  • Me not sure

    “…… and what about that whole fire department thing? Why should I have to pay if your house catches fire? Get a damn hose and put it out yourself !”

    • Marla

      Otherwise we would have plumbers and carpenters putting out house fires. Think of the chaos.

  • jmk

    How this buffoon ever attended any college on earth is a total mystery to me.

    • Doug Langley

      How he graduated is the mystery.

      • DahBoner

        He didn’t. See above…

        • Doug Langley

          I stand corrected.

      • david green

        Dubya graduated from an Ivy, so how hard can it be?

      • William_C_Diaz

        He didnt.

        Have a great day!

  • Portia McGonagal

    Was he actually on heroin when he came up with these ideas?

  • Poly_Ester

    Why do I even need to go to college when I can self-certify myself and have some business cards printed up to make it official.

  • Cuberly

    Bob Cesca does the most entertaining & accurate imitation of Randy I’ve ever heard. It’s gotten to the point that whenever Randy opens his mouth I think of Cesura’s slow snotty Rand imitation. Priceless.

  • Relativicus

    Sorry, bros and brahs, legal weed ain’t worth this dope.

  • DahBoner

    For a guy who doesn’t even have a college degree, Rand Paul sure does talk purty…
    https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2015/02/13/rand-pauls-claim-twice-in-one-day-that-he-has-a-biology-degree/

  • LegionOfDo

    If the plumber, the welder, and the carpenter had been able to afford college, things might be different for them (not that those professions are bad, mind you). And sure, there’s always some inequity during transition periods, but if we avoid them altogether, nothing will ever improve.

    • Rasilom

      As I said above, most of the plumbers, welders and carpenters I know didn’t want to go to college. They wanted to be plumbers, welders, and carpenters because they were good at it and loved the work. It didn’t necessarily have to do with them not being able to afford college. Over all we need to make it just as easy for a kid from the wrong side of the tracks to get into Harvard as it is for them to get into a trade school. The problem is that right now with costs the way they are it is almost as hard for that same wrong side track kid to get into trade school as it is for them to get into Harvard, ie impossible. Make it equitable, give every one the same chance. There is no reason a person that loves cars should not be able to attend an automotive trade school right out of High School, any more than an 18 yo 4.0 GPA brainiac engineer that wants to attend MIT should be stopped because his folks can;t afford the 10’s of thousands of dollars that education will cost. Real educational reform is allowing everyone to be able to afford to get an education in a subject that they are good at and are interested in, with emphasis on Afford.

      • BackDoorMan

        Perfectly stated. Which is why it will never fly with the Republican crowd, of course. It just makes too damn much sense.

      • LegionOfDo

        I think that’s kind of like saying “Well, I didn’t want to date her anyway” when the pretty girl rejects you. If they had the option to go to college at no cost to them (providing they met the requirements to be accepted), or at lower cost through a subsidy, then there would be some of them who would have done so. Those who would still rather attend a trade school should still have that option available to them. I wouldn’t advocate forcing elite private schools like MIT to lower their tuition or their admittance standards, but setting limits on public school tuition can and should be done. Then subsidies up to a certain amount can be offered to help defray some or all of the costs, depending on the school the student was accepted to attend. I would disagree with your opinion that a student should be limited to just getting an education in “a subject they are good at”. If they meet the academic standard for admittance, then they should be free to choose their own major. If the student doesn’t qualify academically for college, or simply doesn’t want to go that route, then that subsidy should most definitely be available for use at a trade school.

  • jangoodell

    My son is paying for electrician school. Is Paul even aware that plumbers, carpenters, and mechanics also go to post-secondary schools. And then could pat taxes so others could do the same?

  • handyhippie65

    i am a childless carpenter. i would rather pay for a college education for someone’s kid, than another round of corporate welfare.

  • Rasilom

    I personally do computer support work, this being said A LOT of my clients are in the construction trades. They make a really good living. I know for a fact that the sprinkler fitters at one of my clients (as in installing fire suppression, not lawn sprinklers) are paid a minimum of $25 / hr Plus benefits. These are still really good working jobs. The main point I would make is this… Yes I am fairly smart and capable but you do not want to see me try and plumb your house, nor do you want to see me try and install a fire suppression system. Fix your porned out PC? Install a new router? Install a new server including remote network access and remote backup? Yeah That I can do. But sleep medicine? (one of my other clients practices that) No Fucking Way. The point, I guess, I am trying to make is that ALL of these jobs are necessary and Very Very valuable. The other point I would make is that some of the smartest people I have known have not had a college degree, just many years in the trenches. All of the talk about a college education for everyone sounds good but misses the mark. I think an Education for everyone would be better. Many people have zero interest in college because their aptitudes lean in other directions. If people really want to make Merica great again, and really want to talk about revamping the educational system, then we need to talk educating people in jobs they are interested in and have an aptitude in and most importantly we need to stop using trades persons as the lowest common denominator in the discussion. Because, and trust me on this, you do not want to live in a house framed by a lawyer, plumbed by a heart surgeon, electrical installed by an accountant and, NO for the love of god NO, inspection done by a brain surgeon.

    • Selena60

      Or a country lead by an addled former brain surgeon…….

    • theCryptofishist

      Oh so true…

    • sydneycat

      That’s the thing, what we need to do is stop demonizing the trades and also supporting those who want to get a higher education. I went to college and that was right for me, but my dad could have gone into drafting or manufacturing if he’d been encouraged. He’s great at planning, drafting, and creating. But he also has barely a high school education. It’s not right that someone like him is seen as less than me in some circles. Sure, he spells cellar as ‘seler’ but I know what he means and I sure as hell couldn’t build any of the contraptions he’s made over the years using just his brains, a pencil and a piece of drafting paper, a tractor, and some scrap wood and metal.

    • MyDogsAreSmarterThanYou

      You do know that colleges also teach all that carpentry, electrical, and plumbing stuff, right? Nobody is saying that everyone has to go to college to major in Underwater Basketweaving.

      • Rasilom

        Some colleges do indeed offer trades education. The University here in Juneau has an excellent Trade school as part of their.program. Offered as 2 year programs instead of the usual 4. This is exactly what I am talking about. We need more programs like that along with more availability to get into more traditional 4 year programs and graduate school. Keep the cost down and make it avalible to anyone that has the attitude to get into what ever program they are interested in be it physics or welding.

  • azeyote

    free higher education is bad if your base is – Fucking Idiots

  • kaw143

    Wait, what? Heroin is free, now?

  • Roni Raven

    Can’t we just say no to Rand Paul?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Richard Dawkins believes the Republican candidates are just pandering to their base by appearing stupid, because no one could actually be that dumb. I beg to differ.

    • danah gaz ❤?❤

      Dawkins is every bit as racist, misogynistic and stupid as these Republicans, so I suppose he’d know.

  • Sterculius

    You see kiddos, we don’t go around asking the peaceful, the truly spiritual, the pacifists who actually love their fellow man to pay taxes so we can create a monstrous military and kill, kill, kill everybody, especially civilians, in endless wars, because that would be a bunch of sociopath weapons merchants free stuff, and the politicians they bribe free stuff … heck, it would almost 10% as bad as Wall St., who funds my campaign!

  • Selena60

    I thought Libertarians were all for sucking back as many “free” services as they can, until being asked to pay for it. Then they get all high and mighty on freedom and push for cancelling the whole goddamned thing because they sure as hell aren’t paying for something that somebody else might benefit from. Case in point: Paul Ryan

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    C’mon man, just gimme one more class, I’m good for it!

    • riledupone

      Sure, it starts that way. But eventually it’s going to be Masters, Ph.D’s. Imma tryin’ to help ya kid. Become a carpenter.

  • brucej

    He’ll pay ’em in exposure…

  • theCryptofishist

    Let a thousand internets blossom!

    • MyDogsAreSmarterThanYou

      Five bucks for the person that can show me what an Internet blossom looks like.

      • theCryptofishist

        Yeah, I’m still recovering from Turd Blossom.

      • William_C_Diaz

        I would link it, but it wouldnt haunt your dreams forever. Google ‘goatse’ if you are still curious, lol.

        Have a great day!

  • Jukesgrrl

    If Rand wants to give out advice he should start by telling his own son to stop going out in public when he’s drunk. Charged with drunk and disorderly on a airplane when he assaulted a flight attendant at 10 AM. Caught with illegal possession of alcohol at a racetrack a few months later. Driving under the influence when he hit a parked car this spring. Those are just the ones that have been adjudicated.

  • Jive talk from a trust fund baby. Shut up, Rand. Look no further than the dubious University of Phoenix to grasp the scam plans of online education.

    “USA Today has listed University of Phoenix as a “red flag” institution for posting a student loan default rate (26%) that surpassed its graduation rate (17%)…Phoenix recruited students using high-pressure sales tactics by admissions counselors who are paid, in part, based on their success in recruiting students…A 2010 report found that the University of Phoenix’s online graduation rate was only 5 percent. According to collegecalc.org, tuition costs are typically 300% to 500% more expensive than community colleges.

    In 1994, University of Phoenix leaders made the decision to take the parent company, Apollo Group public. Capital from Wall Street launched the school. Phoenix had more than 100,000 students within the first five years of going public. Growth in the company made John Sperling a billionaire.”

    • sydneycat

      You know what’s scary about that? University of Phoenix used to be the * best* of the internet colleges. So just think about all of those that are *under* it!

      • MyDogsAreSmarterThanYou

        I would tell anyone that pays the University of Phoenix (holy fuck I just looked it up) $740 per credit hour that they’re too stupid to breathe. I don’t know of a brick and mortar educational facility that doesn’t offer online classes as well as in-room instruction. And the majority of those have got to be what, a third of the cost?

    • MyDogsAreSmarterThanYou

      Phoenix is almost 800% higher than my local CC.

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  • Ryan Denniston

    “If we could just find a way to make Internets happen”

    After all, this is why the University of Phoenix costs $46 and a sandwich per course. Oh, wait…

  • AncienReggie

    Since I was a kid during the Harding administration I’ve been hearing about this free heroin thing. I was always like fuck yeah, but nobody EVER offered me heroin for less than $20. To this very day. I call bullshit on this legend. But hope still spring eternal.

  • malsperanza

    You tell ’em, Rand! It’s not as if an educated workforce has any financial value for a society, Amirite? The only benefit is to the person who gets the education, so let them pay for it, fuckyeah.

    Jesus what a tool.

  • James

    I love how the uneducated and poorly written nature of the article is perfectly mirrored by the people commenting. I guess everyone was fine with calling the man’s children names as well. I always find it strange that Libertarians seem to be the only ones able to put themselves in another individual’s shoes. I wonder what you would think of this article if it was your child he was insulting. This article and nearly all of the comments are devoid of any thought. These are things the audiences at Jerry Springer scream at the guests. I will never ceased to be amazed at the ability of the ignorant to convince themselves they are the wise.

    • William_C_Diaz

      Sen Paul’s son is a criminal and repeat violator with charges such as assault, DUI and underaged possession of alcohol among other charges. Why is that not applicable to Sen Paul’s rant on college, as ghis son was a college student during his criming period?

      I also laugh in your stupid face regarding your assertion that libertarians are uniquely blessed with empathy, which is the biggest laugh I have had all day. Sen Paul is both an idiot and a hypocrite (and Im betting you are too)who has NO ability to empathize with his fellow Americans and a voting record that clearly demonstrates it.

      There is certainly a great deal more thought expressed here than is coming from your post, or pretty much anything that Sen Paul has said in his entire political career. If you are looking for sympathy for false, hypocritical libertarians or thier fuqued up ignorant ideas, you have come to the wrong place, cupcake.

      Have a great day!

    • thenearesthippie

      “Libertarians seem to be the only ones able to put themselves in another individual’s shoes.”

      Oh please. Libertarians don’t care if other individuals even *have* shoes.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Yeah right. They’d learn soooo much more jerking off on the internet. Is he smoking that shit again?

  • Dave Basener

    Oh, the panacea that is online education. I am an adjunct instructor at a small college. I am also employed trying to leverage technology (that’s those internets that you want to unleash, Randy) to increase efficiency and improve student experience. But no matter how you slice it, Massively Open Online Courses suck when compared to in person instructor led classes. Well, I take that back, they are at least cheap.

    Here’s an easy test. Do the children of the wealthy pushers of this lie go to Online U?

  • WampusKat

    Ayn Rand Paul: Good News! The Fraud Paul Home School Curriculum is where it’s at:

    “Ron Paul Curriculum Launched by [Christian] Reconstructionist Gary North [Ludwig von Mises Institute “scholar”] and Neo-Confederate Thomas Woods”
    http://www.talk2action.org/story/2013/4/9/124434/9216/Front_Page/Ron_Paul_Curriculum_Launched_by_Reconstructionist_Gary_North_and_Neo_Confederate_Thomas_Woods

    [This.is.not.a.joke.] Tom Wood’s narrates: “Sample from the Ron Paul Homeschool Curriculum: Western Civ I”
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiWN6ROPn5s

    P.S. Libertarian/Religious Right Alliance “Proclamation” to Dismantle Public Education (their website), note signatory Ron Paul:

    “I proclaim publicly that I favor ending government involvement in education.”
    http://www.schoolandstate.org/proclamation.htm

    [Brought to you by the Libertarian Christianists and the letter K, as in Koch]

  • WampusKat

    BTW, Rand Paul’s “education” agenda should remind us of something:

    “Apparently, the family was allowed to go on its merry idiot way for quite a while, until Michael McIntyre’s brother noticed the kids were dumbasses”
    http://wonkette.com/595582/texas-couple-fights-to-keep-kids-good-and-stupid-the-way-jesus-likes-em#lx0LAfBVzeSWZhWA.99

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