Well hello there, Wonkers. It’s Sunday afternoon, time for your weekly top ten list, and it is also NOVEMBER OH MY HOW TIME FLIES! This also means yesterday was Halloween! You might have already seen Official Wonkette Babby, pictured above dressed as an adorable mermaid, which is so cute we cannot even. But, ooh, bonus, Official Wonkette Niece ALSO dressed up for Halloween. Check it!

She's had a rough life.
She’s had a rough life.

Now look, you fools. There is no FOR ACTUAL booze in that flask. It’s her juice! But this was kind of an homage to her daddy, who used to be a for real sailor.

Anyway, the point is that the Wonkette children win Halloween and nobody else should even try.

Okay, quickly before the top ten posts, we will do housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, which involves buying the t-shirt of the Democratic candidate of your choice! If you love Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? Look below, it is the Hillary shirt!

Don't you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!
Don’t you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!


Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, especially when Republicans are being big dumb whiners. So please to give us $5, so we can stay up until stupid-thirty doing PULITZER-WORTHY coverage for you. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.

Wonkette baby reading the print version of Wonkette
Wonkette baby mysteriously being adorable right after the donations paragraph, she ALWAYS does that. Oh look, it’s another donations link too, weird!

Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them the entire world!

1. Did you watch the Republican debate? It was SO BAD AND DUMB. But you really haven’t for real seen it if you haven’t read Wonkette’s hilarious, mean liveblog of the night’s events. Click click!

2. Reportedly gross Jim Bob Duggar is trying to bribe Anna into staying with Josh by dangling a big new house in front of her. Also reportedly, she may be rejecting that bribe. Who can say!

3. Gay-hatin’ Indiana Republican caught trolling for online dick. What. A. Fucking. Surprise.

4. Bristol Palin just OUTRAGED other girls won’t get pregnant in high school like she did. And yes, this is a story from like a month ago, yet here it is in your current Top Ten. The internet is mysterious sometimes!

5. Oh look, Bristol again. This time she’s just so glad she didn’t abort her mom’s baby. Uh huh.

6. Christian bride passes traditional daddy vag inspection before wedding. Because like we said in the headline, CREEPER FUNDAMENTALISTS.

7. Maureen Dowd is A Idiot, says Joe Biden and literally everyone else. Finally, something humanity agrees on!

8. More CREEPER FUNDAMENTALISTS. This time it’s a lady who wants crowdfunding moneys because she accidentally married a homo. She is bad, and she should feel bad.

9. Ever have trouble getting your fundamentalist lady wife to submit to sexxxytime whenever you want it? Read How To Sex Your Boner-Killer Hag Of A Wife: A Christian Wonksplainer!

10. And finally, once again, we must tell the RNC to please stop bitching about CNBC’s “biased” debate questions, as it makes them sound like A Idiot.

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And the Flipboard! And the Instagram! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette.

Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!

Okay, we’re going to nap and watch football at the same time ZZZZZZZ.



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  • JohnR

    I regards to story no. 2 the fine print says if Anna Duggar accepts said house she must extrude at least one dozen little Duggars to fulfill her contractual obligation.

  • Zippy
    • Callyson

      She was going for Jessica Rabbit, but I think you’re closer to the mark…

      • Zippy

        Frankly, at this point I think Jessica has more real body parts than Kim does.

        “I’m not bad, I’m just drawn assembled by my plastic surgeon that way”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, only one word for that….

    • LarkintheAM

      Seriously – I didn’t eve recognize her. I like her better as herself.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That’s not Kim . . . the butt’s too small.

  • memzilla

    Win for Dawrg Costume:

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Last year, we had over 30 kids, so this year we bought truckloads of candy to be prepared. We had zero kids this year.

    Any-hoo, seeing the adorable Wonkette kiddies is worth at least 30 local rugrats. Where should I send all the leftover candy?

    • Doug Gardner

      After reading about the Duggars, my first interpretation of your comment was that you gave birth to over 30 kids last year; I was about to salute your productivity, but then reality set in…

      • AntiDerpomeme

        LOL, yes, I guess I could have been clearer. This is where context is important. But wow, I would be the BEST reality TV subject EVER! Gimmie my griftin’ dollars!

    • DemmeFatale

      Last year, we just had 2 trick or treaters.
      I even had kids just pass by my open door.
      This year, we went to dinner and a movie. (BTW: “Bridge of Spies” is a little corny, but excellent.)
      Our neighbor told us that the helicopter parents prefer to send their little darlings to elaborate Halloween parties.

      • Vienna Woods

        I live in the country. One of the reasons for that is that I hate Hallowe’en. The whole trick-or-treating thing drives me nuts! The first year I didn’t have to stand at the door to hand out candy to the ravening hordes was blis,, and 11 years later it still makes me smile. I liked the 3 yr olds, but the 13 yr olds? Not so much.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I think crank-magnetism meets fundamentalism is the creepiest thing ever.

    I made the mistake of perusing Dead Brietbar’s site and reading the comments on their story about why Carson has no real connection to Mannatech (yeah, right), and then I spent about an hour arguing with people who think there is a evil plot by drug companies and the Government’s FDA to keep people from finding out that multi-level marketing scams like Mannatech can cures da cancer ;)

    I even waded into trying to explain that there is no one type of cancer and that the same process that drives genetic drift and evolution (which Carson calls propaganda) is why if nothing else kills you and you live long enough, you’re going to get cancer because the danged cell division/replication process is bound to eventually come up with something your immune system can’t deal with.

    I went right down that rabbit hole with one of the commenters who rejects references to research, any government sites, but trusts snake oil salesmen who keep running afoul of the laws because they don’t do peer reviewed research or submit to FDA trials and efficacy studies.

    My conclusion is that Woo is being co-opted bigtime by the right-wing.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It certainly seems that way. My wingnut sister is into astrology, is adamant that SOMEONE killed Kennedy that wasn’t Lee Harvey Oswald, and thinks Alex Jones is the bee’s knees.


      • sw19womble

        I think the theory of “friendly fire” by the secret service entourage is interesting.

        • Suse

          I’m not a conspiracy nut by any means, but there’s a lot more to this story than meets the eye.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Oh, I agree…but there was some ad for some TV special about the “True Story of Camelot” that she took to be about nothing but the assassination…she didn’t even stop to think that what it MIGHT be is more about Kennedy while he was alive. She immediately went into the conspiracy mode.

    • Callyson

      Check out the jeers on to verify your conclusion.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        o.O wow.

    • Jenny

      They just need to get to an alkaline state before the cancer causes too much damage and they die?!

      When you tell them there’s no such thing that our bodies do not venture through the PH scale, you are looked at like an idiot because freep internet doctor told them differently than their oncologist.

      Then we all sit around at their funeral saying things like yea she was a good person, but goddamn she was really fucking dumb.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Yeah, all those billions being spent by the public and private sector each year finally developing biologics to target specific mutations is just a sinister plot Government/FDA Big Pharma plot despite the fact that some folks are now being cured now that we finally have the real beginnings of a grasp in how the genetics of it all works.

        What we really need to do is get a PH Test kit from the swimming pool company and test our bodily fluids and feces and buy more “real food technology” from people who don’t do research or clinical trials until we get the stuff in the PH tester to turn blue.

        She died trying to get that thing to turn deep blue. Carve it on her headstone.

        • marxalot

          The real lesson here, plainly, is that we should all live so hard and so well that cancer doesn’t have a chance at being what takes us down.
          Well, I’m off to drive 90 down the Backbone, in the dark. Too bad it stopped raining.
          Anyone want the brown acid?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Who told you my life plan? With 20/20 hindsight, I would have taken better care of myself if I’d known I was going to live this long. Of course Keith Richards is still drinking and smoking at 75, so maybe my problem was I quit too soon, Nobody likes a quitter.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            A large number of other things could kill you still. But, as people live longer and the technology enabling genomics gets better and better, there is more and more hope of targeted biologic cures to different kinds of cancer.

    • Suse

      My hubs is starting chemo in the next 2 weeks with some really toxic shit. Maybe we should try this Mannatech stuff?

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Oh, that’s rough. Get better Suse’s husband!

        • Suse

          Thanks. This really sucks. :-(

          • jmk

            Eeek, that’s hard. Sorry to hear that – a relative went through that recently and it was really difficult for both partners. It’s stupid to say hang in there, but… it’s hard to know what else to say, also too.

          • Suse

            Thank you, jmk. I went through this with my mom and sister, too. Chemo was hard on both of them. It’s nasty stuff, but necessary.

          • Billy Croissant

            Hold him, love him, wrap yourself in one of the living room drapes and whisper in his ear “Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?”

            You are in our thoughts.

          • Suse

            LMAO! Thanks, Billy!

          • LarkintheAM

            Best of luck to you both – I hope his chemo is well tolerated and remission comes quickly!

          • Suse

            Thank you.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            :virtual hugs: Not as comforting as the real thing, but sincerely meant. We went through that with dad not too long ago, with mom as primary care taker. I was her relief. Please make sure you have a support network for you, too

          • Suse

            Thanks, Jen. We have great neighbors who all love my hubby and they’re ready to help.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            It does suck, but a lot of the cancer drugs aren’t as hard to take as they used to be. My mom had cancer and she was super tired from the chemo, but she never threw up even one time. She did lose her hair, but that’s par for the course. I hope your husband is as lucky as my mom was with her chemo.

      • DemmeFatale

        Mr. Fatale went through this last year. He’s doing well, now.
        Take breaks if you need them, (I didn’t take enough).
        You will both get through this.
        I’ll be thinking of you.
        Take care.

        And stay off the internet! (Except for Wonkette, of course.)

      • dshwa

        Best wishes and luck to you. I can only offer a little good news; we’ve now got treating the nausea pretty much figured out, so at least that part is pretty rare. Totally agree with Demme, take it slow and both of you get plenty of rest.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      My conclusion is that Woo is being co-opted bigtime by the right-wing.

      Well, we did hear they were dying out…..

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Didn’t make the Top Ten, but I actually watched the 20/20 piece about child re-gifter Justin Harris after I read it here. My take? Justin Harris and his ghastly wife deserve a life sentence in the deepest, darkest dungeon imaginable, and daily given the bastinado. He’s a sociopath who never given a fuck about anyone but himself. On top of their other crimes, they locked the girls in their rooms and unceasingly blasted Christian rock music at them to short-circuit their satanic telepathy. Mother of God. For this alone, they should be tried at The Hague for crimes against humanity.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      All the kool kids do Satantic Telepathy these days.

      rolls eyes.

      • sw19womble

        In my day, we had to make do with walkie talkies. :(

        • witsended

          You were lucky, we had two old baked bean tins and a ball of string.

          • Suse

            Did you wear bread bags on your feet?

          • Vienna Woods

            Luxury. We had to write letters.

        • marxalot

          I hear there’s an app for that now.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        The 360 degree head spin is the hardest move to master.

    • jviscont1

      that upbringing never affected me.
      – Kirk Cameron

    • Incoming Ham
    • Jen_Baker_VA

      If anyone else did this shit to their children- adopted, biological, foster, whatever- they’d be arrested for child abuse. But these guys claim religious freedom and get a pass.
      Fuckin Murrica, yeah

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        This couple was disturbing beyond snark. Their supposed piety was so disingenuous, shallow, and self-serving, it made me want to puke. You could tell they had used it their entire lives as a hidey-hole to avoid ever taking responsibility for anything. Hard to imagine even their fundie kindred spirits would fall for it. But then again…

  • Joshua Norton

    It was SO BAD AND DUMB.

    Carly Fiorina is prepping for next GOP debate by watching Korean horror movies, looking for new things to accuse Planned Parenthood of doing.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      No, she is busy calling out The View “womano a womano”.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Shouldn’t that be “mani a mani”?

    • sw19womble

      Personally, I think she’s going Full Lovecraft.

      • Rasilom

        She does look a little Cthuluian…

      • cynmac

        Complete with Racism!

    • Suse

      Speaking of Korean horror movies, this one is really good.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’m Donna Rose the sailor man
    Toot toot
    I live in the Wonkette van
    Toot toot
    I’m strong to the finish ’cause I eats creamed spinach
    I’m Donna Rose the sailor man!
    Toot toot!

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      She yiz what she yiz, and that’s all what she yiz…

    • SterWonk

      ACTUALLY, I’m pretty sure that’s Evan’s niece.

      • Villago Delenda Est


  • JohnnyZhivago2
    • Villago Delenda Est

      I would think that teen pregnancy would drop off significantly after age 19, myself….

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Homicide victims are justifiably afraid of their killers, so it’s no surprise they don’t want to talk.

  • proudgrampa

    I can’t decide which is cuter: the mermaid or the sailor!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      The sailor made me laugh so much. The little pack of Newports and the flask and the tattoos are hilarious.

      • zerosumgame0005

        I’d like some pics of Wonkette Super Baby and Notorious Niece playing together :)

        • Vegan and Tiara

          I’m pretty sure we’d all have one last “SQUEEE!!!” and then keel over dead from the cuteness overload.

    • jmk

      I said squeeeee at both. They are so adorable it’s almost painful.

  • CapnFatback

    Er . . . from the Desperation File, Seattle’s Proudest Hetero spent his afternoon responding to nearly every comment made to him on this three-month-old thread.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Could be worse … he could be getting noticed.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Love folks who come along and kick the ball into an unguarded net in an empty stadium.

    • Billy Croissant

      Yelling into an empty room, yeah – that’s like arguing with yesterday’s lunch.

    • D_C_Wilson

      That’s some serious blogwhoring there.

    • BackDoorMan

      … I noticed that too, since he replied to me and all I could think was… “I’ve seen desperate for attention, but this is approaching $arah Palin levels.”

    • Vienna Woods

      Holy shit that font on his blog is impossible to read. Mind you, I didn’t try very hard…

    • sw19womble

      Bah. Disappointing. Just spamming his blog, with serial links, mainly.
      How’s he expect to get himself into Deleted Comments next weekend with lame egoistic bullshit like that?

  • Joshua Norton

    we must tell the RNC to please stop bitching about CNBC’s “biased” debate questions

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Just watched the Mutts drop game 5, in a bar full of Mets fans. Admirably fatalistic bunch.

    • dshwa

      Can’t be too unhappy if you’re a Mets fan. Nobody saw them as even a payoff team, yet they made the world series. And they’ve got a pitching staff that’s only going to get better as they get older and a little more experienced. I’m a firm believer in the you have to lose a series/playoff run before you can win theory, so nothing but good should come from this.

      • jmk

        Sorry, but Mets fans are always unhappy… it’s our state of being. I’ve been a fan all my life – I was born the same year they were – and unhappy and disappointed is our wheelhouse. In my family, it’s gotten to the point where we speak about “Metsing up” when you start out great when doing a task and then fade out.

  • Hey i just thought of a fair Republican debate question! “Hello candidates. Obviously traditional Christian values are important to our country. Do each of you have a Certification of Quality Freshness, signed by a doctor and your father of course, that shows that your ‘no-no spots’ are showroom new (or at least “refurbished”) that you can show the audience?”

  • Vienna Woods

    WTF is up with Disqus? Everyone is wearing a paper bag, and when I try to edit a post, the whole page disappears into some limbo.

    • LarkintheAM

      So, it’s not just me. :-( I can see my own avatar but no one else’s. I’ve tried all three major browsers, and it’s the same for all of them. Not the most robust of platforms, is this?

    • dshwa

      Forget it Jake, Disquis is rolling.

    • Lizzietish81

      When that happens just refresh the page

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Serves you right for trying to comment on a site that doesn’t allow that type of thing.

    • sw19womble

      Sometimes you’ll find the page has dropped right down to the bottom – it’s not actually in limbo… at least that’s what happens to me when editing/spleling or clicking on “one comment below”

  • BeliTsari
  • WampusKat

    “Whiny Republicans And Creeper Fundamentalists. Which Are Ickier?”

    What are you talking about? They’re one and the same:

    Right Wing Watch has been tracking icky fundies for decades. It just so happens that they now control the GOP: see ‘Tea Party’ (search the database for any teabagging Republican you care to name):

    The Libertarian ‘Tea Party’ and the Religious Right (History 101 – the short version):

    “Biblical Capitalism” – How Ayn Rand Met Jesus on the Free Market Highway (let’s let Ron Paul explain the Tea Party’s ideas on ‘Biblical’ Randian Economics:

    CNN clip of Ron Paul at Ralph Reed’s Faith and Freedom Coalition Summit, courtesy of CNN: “Ron Paul: Economy based on the Bible”

    Need I go on? What’s the character limit?

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