Well hello there, Wonkers. It’s Sunday afternoon, and we have been sleeping this whole weekend because we spent ALL THURSDAY AND FRIDAY, SO MANY HOURS OMG, chronicling the shitshow that was the Benghazi hearings. Did Hillary come out on top? Ayup. Is watching people like Megyn Kelly lose their everloving shit about it, trying to make up new reasons to be mad, fucking hilarious? Ayup again! And surprise, most of yr Top Ten posts of the week ARE about that. BENGHAZI!!!!!11!!!111!
First, though, we will do housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, which involves buying the t-shirt of the Democratic candidate of your choice! If you love Hillary (and really, everybody does right now, at least for a minute), then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? Look below, it is the Hillary shirt!
Editrix Rebecca assures everyone that we STILL HAVE HILLARY SHIRTS LEFT, even though we’ve sold about eight million since Thursday night (thanks, Trey Gowdy!). Look, here she is in Las Vegas (site of today’s WONKETTE MEETUP!) putting t-shirts in packages to send out to you, the Wonkers. She is wearing a robe and standing next to the Wonkebago, and she told us to post this picture:
Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, especially when it is BENGHAZI!!!!!1111! So please to give us $5, so we can stay up until stupid-thirty writing yr Benghazi stories, and also all the other wondrous things we write. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them with all your internet pals!
1. So, in the Benghazi hearings? There was this Alabama rep named Martha Roby? And she was there representing her sorority, Kappa Kappa Gamma, and she just is pretty sure? The smoking gun that shows Hillary did Benghazi and also didn’t know about Benghazi is on Tab 31? Tab 31! Why is everybody laughing?
2. Before Roby got to her questioning, long before, it was clear Hillary had already won the day and the Republicans on the committee had made a huge mistake.
3. This is KIND OF a Benghazi story, because Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar are off at Diddle Camp for Christian Marrieds, doing Sex Benghazi to each other’s bathing suit areas.
4. What did the Benghazi hearing teach us? Republicans are dicks, and Hillary is already president, basically.
5. Dana Perino is SO SAD George W. Bush has been accused of being president on 9/11. As if! anyway, Dubya is Dana’s pretend boyfriend, and you are mean.
6. Back to the Benghazi hearings: Georgia yokel Rep. Lynn Westmoreland was just real worried Hillary might not be able to understand the slow ramblings of an uneducated Southern hick such as himself, stuck as he is with a throat full of Georgia peaches and squirrel dicks.
7. Dumb racists deploy wrong ethnic stereotype against mayoral candidate, because racists are quite stupid, 100% of the time.
8. That same Alabama GOP Benghazi congresslady? Just wants to know? If Hillary was home alone THE WHOLE NIGHT during Benghazi? Why are you laughing? It’s not funny.
9. Last week’s Sundays With The Christianists: Let’s read some terrible pro-abstinence comics together!
10. And finally, watch Rachel Maddow torture Benghazi confession out of Hillary Clinton. Sometimes you gotta send a lesbian in to do Trey Gowdy’s work, after all.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst, @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.
Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!
Okay, we’re going to brunch now, or maybe to nap again, who can tell ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.