Donna Rose, on her way to see you, as long as you are in Southern California or Las Vegas!
Donna Rose, on her way to see you, as long as you are in Southern California or Las Vegas! Click here for more details on THAT.

HALLOOOOO, WONKERS! It’s Sunday afternoon, and that means we are very excited to write the top ten posts of the week at you. Will you be so kind as to click on every single one of them and share them with the entire internet? THANK YOU!

First, though, we will do housekeeping, because you people shed everywhere, it’s like we never stop sweeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you’ve already voted, that’s okay, VOTE AGAIN, WITH YOUR DOLLARS! If you don’t remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the mostest. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? We don’t have Joe Biden in the Wonkette Primary right now, because he has not said he is running for president. But if you want a Joe Biden thing, we have those too! (As always, if you are a Jim Webb supporter, you do not get a t-shirt and instead must remain naked and sad. And if you love Larry Lessig, well, we mean, he’s fine, but not so fine we’re about to put his face on some panties or nothin’.)

Don't you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!
Don’t you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!

Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, and we have a Google alert for “Duggar” so you ALWAYS get yr Gross Duggar Stories before RawStory even has a chance to THINK ABOUT IT. So please to give us $5, so we can keep getting that Google alert (it’s very expensive) and also writing all the other wondrous things we write. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.

Wonkette baby reading the print version of Wonkette
Wonkette baby mysteriously being adorable right after the donations paragraph, WEIRD!

Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!

Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them with all your internet pals!

1. For the second time in two weeks, the top spot goes to those dumbstupid Duggars, the Jill and Derick ones, who are maybe possibly doing missionary work in El Salvador, except now, due to sustained outcry from their fans, they’re offering refunds to anybody who donated to their “missionary work.” This one BARELY squeaked into the top spot, partially because Google decided to use that story as one of the top results when you search “Duggars,” which is great because that means their actual fans read yr Wonkette asking if maybe Jill Duggar had sex with Satan in the Amazon rainforest. IMPORTANT JOURNALISM QUESTIONS!

2. After comments from Ben Carson and Fox News “doctor” Keith Ablow about how the Jews should’ve just fought back against the Nazis with guns and stuff, Kaili got MAD and wrote one of the finest pieces that’s appeared on yr Wonkette this year: Why Did Anne Frank Hide Like A Coward Instead Of Killing Nazis Dead Like A Real Man? 

3. Bristol Palin shocked to learn she is A Idiot. Because stupid people are always the last to know.

4. Did you watch the Democratic debate? It was surprisingly good, at least the Hillary and Bernie parts! If you haven’t read Wonkette’s beautiful liveblog of the evening, you haven’t REALLY watched it, so go do that.

5. We got accused of “slut-shaming” Bristol Palin. UM NO, Bristol Palin, you ignorant slut, once again you have missed the point ENTIRELY.

6. Fox News CIA expert not actually a CIA guy, also not an expert. Shocking, a fraud on Fox News!

7. During the Democratic debate, Mike Huckabee thought it would be a GREAT idea to tweet a joke about Asians eating dogs, LOLOL! Except remember that time Huckabee’s son killed a dog? Wonkette will never forget.

8. Carly Fiorina failed at Hewlett-Packard in a whole ‘nother way you ain’t heard about yet. Go read to find out about it!

9. Texas will have to pry the dildos out of these kids’ cold, dead wherevers. It’s an anti-gun protest! With dildos!

10. And finally, there’s no Deleted Comments today, but that’s okay, stop fretting! You can just read last week’s, about how Wonkette SHOULD be fighting the devil instead of making fun of those poor Duggars. It’s your number ten story!

So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And the Flipboard! And the Instagram! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette.

Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst,  @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.

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Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!

Okay, we’re going to brunch now, in order to eat the bloody marys.



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  • Vegan and Tiara

    Donna Rose – cute capitalist tool, or cutest capitalist tool?
    Here, take all my moneez, Wonkette!

    • Nounverb911

      Even cuter that those tools of a couple, Malcolm Forbes and Liz Taylor.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Liz is, admittedly, just about as cute as Donna Rose.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I’m guessing Liz was a pretty cute baby, but Malcolm? Maybe not so much.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Donna Rose is Employee of the Week, every week, I’m sure.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Oh, hell yes. Donna Rose would get my vote all day every day.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Aw, LiberalsAreDisgustingStupidSickPervs didn’t show up with his gay porn again? I almost miss that guy.


    Okay, not really.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      More umlauts, por favor.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        I added a Türkısh keyböard tö my langüages jüst tö reply tö yöü.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Awesome. Can’t wait to see you throw down with Umlaut Guy!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Thrusting member….something something…hard turgid love muscle…something something…gallons of sticky splooge…something something
      His posts were the best

      • A Grumpy Cat

        Maybe he came to terms with his sexuality. Or ran out of synonyms for dick.

  • Joshua Norton

    Bristol Palin shocked to learn she is A Idiot.

    When you’re dead you don’t know when you’re dead. It’s only hard on the others around you.

    It’s the same with being stupid.

    • Dee Andee

      Well, except in her family, maybe she’s the smart one. Scary.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Hah! Trying to bribe us with cute babby pics eh?

    • jmk

      Why not? It works a treat!

  • Nounverb911
    • cynmac

      ONHD! That is C L A S S I C!

  • old_redneck


  • schmannity

    To think that 2 out of 19 kids, not counting the parents, provide 18.87% of Wonkette weekly content. 17 more and puberty should up the value of the Wonkette buyout by Comcast.

  • actor212

    maybe Jill Duggar had sex with Satan in the Amazon rainforest.

    Satan has asked me to tell you that he is hiring Gloria Allred in contemplation of a lawsuit against Wonket and her commenters, if any, for slander and calumny. He might be persuaded to settle for one relatively virgin babby girl.

    • M_Baker

      Gloria Allred is going to have a hard time finding “Wonket” to deliver her papers to if she doesn’t know how to spell “Wonkette”. But, if no one tells her the correct spelling she’ll never be able to start a lawsuit, and thus everyone will be protected from Gloria.

      • actor212

        Wonket is the female of the species.

        • LarkintheAM

          Is that pronounced “wonk-KAY”?

    • cousin itt

      I’ve heard that calumny lotion is good to spread on insect bites.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Donna Rose READS A BOOK.!! This can only mean trouble later in life.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      She’s already got more critical thinking skills, at four fucking months, than all the teabaggers combined.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Soon, she’ll learn the word “why”. From there, it’s a short fall to cards, dice, and cigarettes.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Hookers and blackjack. That’s the ticket.

    • Doug Langley

      Aw, c’mon, it’s just a child’s book about Animals. What could be more harmless?

      “And so the graceful shark glides swiftly through the water. Glistening wonderfully, he approaches the young swimmer whom he seizes in his jaws of death, blood and entrails flying everywhere . . .”

      • Biff52

        At least there’s nothing in the title to suggest a pet goat…

      • How doth the little crocodile
        Improve his shining tail
        And pour the waters of the Nile
        On every golden scale!
        How cheerfully he seems to grin
        How neatly spreads his claws
        And welcomes little fishes in
        With gently smiling jaws.

        • Zyxomma

          I used to have memorized EVERY poem from both Alice books. I’m sure that contemporary children, who were sick and tired of pap like ‘How Doth the Little Busy Bee’ were very glad to read them. I still know all of The Walrus and the Carpenter.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      As long as it isn’t a comic book about Quarterback Skip, statistician Stats and, Godbotherer Reggie and Cheerleader Slut-in-Training Marcy, I think Donna Rose is OK. I’m pretty sure that even the American Family Association won’t deny that “The cow goes moo.”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    For the last fucking time, soon to be bannhammered idiots, the problem with Bristol is not her sexxytime. We don’t care if she’s fucking the entire Notre Dame football team. What we do care about is she’s too fucking stupid to take precautions to protect her own health, the health of her partners, and any future babbys, and furthermore to avoid gigantic impossible to ignore events that display her galaxy-class hypocrisy about sexxytime abstinence and how she’s an utter fraud as a spokesbimbo for abstinence. If you’re going to try to sell that particular method of birth control, it’s best to take steps to preserve your credibility, of which she has exactly none, zero, nada, zilch.

  • Fartknocker

    My top favorite was learning that the SVU teevee people are going to memorialize Josh Duggar’s finger banging his sisters with his own episode. I think that Josh will be happy to know that he’ll be on late night teevee for at least the next 20 years. Maybe they’ll get Fred Thompson to be his defense attorney.

  • Treg Brown

    How happy this child always look!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If I had ‘Trix and Shy for a mom and dad, I’d be perpetually happy, too!

    • That’s the LOOK WHAT I JUST DID IN MY PANTS grin, isn’t it?

    • FauxAntocles

      A teaspoon of Xanax makes the whole day wonderful!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      People keep telling me she looks happy because she just pooped her pants, but I like to think she’s just happy to see us.

    • cleanfront

      Yo! I’m not trying to be a car seat nazi!
      But a little public service announcement…
      The chest clip should be up at arm pit level. If god/cthulhu/thetan forbid your car should roll over she could fall out or other injuries.

  • BigDumbWhiteGuy

    Wonkette needs to come to SW Michigan, for reals. If you like craft beer, it’s a great place.

    • BJW

      Hey, I live in extreme NW Ohio. You can’t be more than a 2 hour drive away.

      • BigDumbWhiteGuy

        Bout an hour and a half. I’m in Portage.

        • BJW

          I live between Ft Wayne, IN and Toledo. Basically in the extreme NW county, in Bryan. It’s about 35 miles south of Hillsdale.

          • Doug Langley

            No kidding. I’m in Ohio too, a few hours away from there.

          • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

            Never seen people so excited to live in Ohio!

          • BJW

            Just excited other Wonketers are relatively nearby. Although I would be more excited if I didn’t live in the middle of bumfuck, Ohio.

          • data_ninja

            It’s true, I didn’t think there were that many Ohio Wonkestians, seeing as how red this state gets from time to time. Especially those here in the NW part of Ohio.

          • BJW

            I grew up near Dayton, Ohio, when Ohio was pro-union etc. But my husband and I ended up here because he got a job here. And I live in a REALLY red area.

          • chicken thief

            I’ve driven through that area many times. It’s nice to drive through.

          • BJW

            Kind of flat, lots of farm fields. Has its own charm when you realize that these fields help feed the world. There are woods around too, and we see deer, raccoons, foxes, possums, woodchucks, and we have skunks living in our wood pile.

          • chicken thief

            I’m originally from the mid-West and worked summers on two of my uncle’s farms, though live in NJ now. Along with the normal good ol’ Merkun fried foods we all know and love, I’ve eaten the first two animals you listed, along with squirrel and rabbit.

            Speaking of wild life, though – I saw a black bear yesterday. Not some domesticated pet in a zoo, a black bear in someone’s yard, less than a mile from my house.

          • BJW

            That’s too much nature! Although we have way too many deer, and I know this personally as I’ve had 3 car-deer accidents. 3rd accident State Farm just called it totaled. We do supposedly have a coyote or 2 lurking around, but I’ve never seen one.

            I’m a city girl and I will NEVER eat raccoon.

          • mtn_philosoph

            I’m a slack-jawed yokel from Yankee Appalachia and I never eat game meat either.

          • BJW

            Ha. Now, my dad grew up in Tennessee in the EARLY 20th century. I know back then they hunted birds and ate crawdads. But he never told me if he ate raccoons, possum etc. Although now that I think about it, he might have. :)

          • mtn_philosoph

            Black bears, whitetail deer, red foxes, gray squirrels, blue jays, yellow finches, purple martins, striped skunks, copper-bronze fishers and filthy dirt-colored coyotes are all my neighbors. We’re very diverse and multi-culti like that.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I’ve heard there’s a great beer scene there. Bells and Jolly Pumpkin are the only two I’ve tried.

      • Left Coast Tom

        Founders and Saugatuck are pretty good as well. Elsewhere in the state, I liked Mt. Pleasant Brewery (now called Mountain Town, I guess, despite the clear lack of mountains…).

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Yeah, Founders is good…didn’t know it was a Michigan joint.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Check out the Cheboygan Brewery…

    • Lord-Nash

      Since you brought it up, here we go.

      I posted this on my Face-a-gram page the other day (so if you now know who I REALLY am congrats!) but I thought it was important to spread this around. Have to admit, I was hoping Wonkette would do a report on this since the HuffPo author obviously has no fucking taste.

  • BigDumbWhiteGuy

    Surprised I haven’t seen too much about Jim Webb’s “situation of African-Americans” comment anywhere.
    Funny story. I had to go to work early this past Wednesday at 3 a.m., so I go to leave the house at about 2:20. I flip on the porch light and head out the door, and notice the dome light in my truck is on. So I’m thinking to myself “Dammit John, you stupid fuck, you had best hope that fucker starts.” I get closer, and that’s when I notice my driver’s side door is open. I get closer still, and notice a guy stretched out across my front seat, rifling through my shit. I say “Excuse me?” and he gets out of the truck and just says “What?” I say “You mind getting the fuck out of my truck?” He says “Oh, I was just looking for (something unintelligible)” and then proceeds to mosey off down the street. I didn’t follow him George Zimmerman style, just called the cops. As soon as I mentioned the word “black” in my description of the dude, the dispatcher was like “We have 3 units responding.” They went through the neighborhood with their spotlights, and the officer that came by to take my complaint mentioned something about bringing out the K-9 unit, which had me thinking to myself “For real?” They said they pulled over a minivan that did a quick U-turn in the Taco Bell parking lot when they saw the cops, and took me by to take a look at the occupants. It was two Latino guys, and they look the same as black dudes to cops, natch! (I guess they were up to no good though, because they were still pulled over and in the back of a cruiser when I finally did make my way to work)
    Anywho, the wife and I never used to lock our doors at night, but we do now. You know, just in case there’s a “situation.”

    • chicken thief

      Thankfully he didn’t have any skittles nor was he armed with a sidewalk apparently, so you didn’t have to kill him.

  • Callyson

    No deleted commenters this week? I guess this stuff really works…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      #10 on this week’s Top 10. Rats.

      • Callyson

        I saw that, but they got tedious quickly. I was hoping to fuck with some new ones.

        Not you, LIberalsAreDisgusting–your schtick got old after a nanosecond…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      They were probably here, but they likely were just like alllll the other ones so Dok was all, dude, I don’t wanna deal with that repetitive stupid shit again this week and thems in charge were all like, ok man, instead here, you read this fun christian comic and he was all :k
      It is not weird to make up conversations in my own head. My therapist says it is perfectly normal.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Of course you’re normal, dear. Uh…excuse me while I bolt for the door.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          There, now I feel better.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            De nada…

          • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

            Your in america, damit! speke english

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I know…think I better self-deport.

      • Spotts1701

        Yup, perfectly normal. Beats watching what passes for entertainment on the TV these days.

  • AnOuthouse

    I did not read. The first picture made me run out and buy a stuffed monkey. I named it Donna Rose. It is not a creepy thing to do.

  • Mr Corrections

    Totally OT, but this:

    Who would have thought that the Benghazi!!! committee would fake evidence to make Hillary look bad?

    Also OT – someone just found Thomas Jefferson’s secret meth lab:

    • Biff52

      I’m shocked! Not shocked. Not about Jefferson, I’ve always suspected he was a tweaker.

  • malsperanza

    Actually, the winner is that insanely cute photo of the babby in the car seat, practicing her best smirk.

    ETA: I only just now realized that the Wonkette babby shares her name with two of the better Doctor Who companions. This could only have been improved on if her name had been DeGrasse Nye.

    • zerosumgame0005

      you just know she will be even smarter then her mom! more stuff for old dad to worry about!

  • zerosumgame0005

    hey Shy, your email was mentioned once, but I have a couple things to ask of you.

    1 can you write the choice of Wonkette for Olds into the site cookie if we choose that? right now we have to re-select it every time we come here or even go to the front page.
    2 how about a contact button for site issues?

    • Joshua Norton

      I created a bookmark and pointed it to “” for its location. Now all I have to do is click on it and it will automatically open up at the “olds” tab.

      • zerosumgame0005

        dammit! I was trying to give Shy a chance to get out of a couple of diaper changes!

        “Sorry hun, zero gave me a mission!”

        • zerosumgame0005

          us guys gotta stick together!

        • Joshua Norton

          Yeah, like ‘Trix would go for that.

  • Playonwords

    Off Topic but horrifying from Raw Story

    6 year old fatally shoots 3 year old brother

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is in Chicago, not East Bumfuck, Alabama, so the father who left the pistol out where the kid got to it is being charged.

      So that’s something.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        East Bumfuck, Alabama…Man, don’t even stop there for gas!

        • Incoming Ham

          I am told West Bumfuck has an awesome diner if you don’t mind sitting with armed racists.

          • Steverino247

            I knew an Italian and a Pole who were refused service at some shithole outside Huntsville (Arab, Alabama to be specific) for “being too dark.”

          • Incoming Ham

            Arab Alabama? And the NY Times complains about our lack of irony?

          • Steverino247

            It was supposed to be Arad, but the Post Office fucked up apparently.

          • Incoming Ham

            Or maybe Ararat?

      • Brianna Amoré

        That’s because he got the gun illegally.

        Legal permit holder? No problem. We don’t charge legal permit holders.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      If only there had been a good toddler with a gun to shoot the 6 year old first….

      • Sheesko

        Concealed carry in a diaper is gonna have to be a fairly short-range =, low caliber option. Might not have helped. Clearly the problem is not enough baby body-building programs in our local hospitals to identify weak-ass wimpy babies and get them the help they need so they can pack like real Americans.

  • D_C_Wilson

    Has anyone started a betting pool on the identity of Brillcream Palin’s latest baby daddy?
    If so, can you put me down for Josh Duggar?

    • Mr Corrections


    • Dave

      I’ll take David Vitter for $50.

      • chicken thief

        When I read the article about Vitter paying $5k a month plus housing for his strange on the side, I got this image of Brizdull penning a “Dear David, have I got a deal for you!…” letter.

    • actor212

      I’ll take “All of them, Katie” for a dollar.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I’ll take God the Father for fifty.

    • chicken thief

      Why don’t we just ask her? She prolly knows the guy’s first name at least.

      • D_C_Wilson

        Where’s the fun in that?

  • Sheesko

    “Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!”

    That’s it? That’s all I get from you after all these years of digging into my pockets for you and coming up with lint until finally the Obama-conomy worked and I found five bucks a month to give you forever now? I really would have thought a framed certificate of some kind would be nice. Or a Bible, at least, or oh hey, A autographed picture of Jim Webb. Surely he’s been sending them out, no? And you would only want to keep the one. Jeez, whadda buncha cheapskates.

    Edited (you’re not the only one) to add winky smiley face indicating jokes.

  • Me not sure

    My father was a very wise man and he told me to stay away from women like Bristol Palin.
    She wasn’t born at the time he said it so the word he used was dumbasses.

  • Donald Field

    I stopped reading when I saw you thought hillary was great in the debates. Someone that stupid can’t have anything normal people would want to read

  • Lord-Nash

    Do as I say, not as I do. The Right aspires to this ultimate class of grift, it’s like the Super Saiyan of hypocrisy. They demonize it while secretly aspiring to it. You’re only wrong if you can’t get away with it.

  • Leema Raven

    I respectfully sumbit this comment for deletion. :)

    • tinywriting

      Not Allowed!!!1!!

  • cheatara

    That baby needs her car seat straps fixed, that’s not safe.

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