HALLOOOOO, WONKERS! It’s Sunday afternoon, and that means we are very excited to write the top ten posts of the week at you. Will you be so kind as to click on every single one of them and share them with the entire internet? THANK YOU!
First, though, we will do housekeeping, because you people shed everywhere, it’s like we never stop sweeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you’ve already voted, that’s okay, VOTE AGAIN, WITH YOUR DOLLARS! If you don’t remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the mostest. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? We don’t have Joe Biden in the Wonkette Primary right now, because he has not said he is running for president. But if you want a Joe Biden thing, we have those too! (As always, if you are a Jim Webb supporter, you do not get a t-shirt and instead must remain naked and sad. And if you love Larry Lessig, well, we mean, he’s fine, but not so fine we’re about to put his face on some panties or nothin’.)
Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, and we have a Google alert for “Duggar” so you ALWAYS get yr Gross Duggar Stories before RawStory even has a chance to THINK ABOUT IT. So please to give us $5, so we can keep getting that Google alert (it’s very expensive) and also writing all the other wondrous things we write. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them with all your internet pals!
1. For the second time in two weeks, the top spot goes to those dumbstupid Duggars, the Jill and Derick ones, who are maybe possibly doing missionary work in El Salvador, except now, due to sustained outcry from their fans, they’re offering refunds to anybody who donated to their “missionary work.” This one BARELY squeaked into the top spot, partially because Google decided to use that story as one of the top results when you search “Duggars,” which is great because that means their actual fans read yr Wonkette asking if maybe Jill Duggar had sex with Satan in the Amazon rainforest. IMPORTANT JOURNALISM QUESTIONS!
2. After comments from Ben Carson and Fox News “doctor” Keith Ablow about how the Jews should’ve just fought back against the Nazis with guns and stuff, Kaili got MAD and wrote one of the finest pieces that’s appeared on yr Wonkette this year: Why Did Anne Frank Hide Like A Coward Instead Of Killing Nazis Dead Like A Real Man?
3. Bristol Palin shocked to learn she is A Idiot. Because stupid people are always the last to know.
4. Did you watch the Democratic debate? It was surprisingly good, at least the Hillary and Bernie parts! If you haven’t read Wonkette’s beautiful liveblog of the evening, you haven’t REALLY watched it, so go do that.
5. We got accused of “slut-shaming” Bristol Palin. UM NO, Bristol Palin, you ignorant slut, once again you have missed the point ENTIRELY.
6. Fox News CIA expert not actually a CIA guy, also not an expert. Shocking, a fraud on Fox News!
7. During the Democratic debate, Mike Huckabee thought it would be a GREAT idea to tweet a joke about Asians eating dogs, LOLOL! Except remember that time Huckabee’s son killed a dog? Wonkette will never forget.
8. Carly Fiorina failed at Hewlett-Packard in a whole ‘nother way you ain’t heard about yet. Go read to find out about it!
9. Texas will have to pry the dildos out of these kids’ cold, dead wherevers. It’s an anti-gun protest! With dildos!
10. And finally, there’s no Deleted Comments today, but that’s okay, stop fretting! You can just read last week’s, about how Wonkette SHOULD be fighting the devil instead of making fun of those poor Duggars. It’s your number ten story!
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst, @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.
Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!
Okay, we’re going to brunch now, in order to eat the bloody marys.