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Probably just peed next to a transgender.
Probably just peed next to a transgender.

In Tuesday night’s Democratic debate, candidates were asked what the greatest problem facing our nation is, and they said things like “Ay-Rabs” and “nuculars” and “global warming, WHEEEE!” But they are all wrong. As all good Christian Americans know, the greatest threat to our country happens every time a transgender person needs to take a leak, WHICH HAPPENS A LOT. Even worse, the transgenders whiz wherever they are! No, we don’t mean they just drop trou and open fire while sitting at brunch, but you never know where they’re going to pop up, doing the pee-pee dance while they try to find a bathroom. Sometimes they’re students in Ohio. Sometimes they’re in the military. THEY EVEN DO IT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

But two Wisconsin state representatives are sick and goddamn tired of being sick and goddamn tired of these goshdamn transsexicans making toilet in the schools, and they have a bill, LRB 2643/1, to fix it:

Rep. Jesse Kremer, R-Kewaskum, and Sen. Steve Nass, R-Whitewater, are proposing to require school boards to designate bathrooms and locker rooms as being for one gender exclusively, and to require the state Department of Justice to defend school districts in lawsuits alleging the policy is discriminatory.

“This bill reinforces the societal norm in our schools that students born biologically male must not be allowed to enter facilities designated for biological females and vice versa,” Kremer wrote in a memo sent Tuesday to lawmakers seeking co-sponsorship. […]

As an example, Kremer said safety fears could arise when female students entering a bathroom are followed by someone and they don’t know if that person is a transgender student or someone who is “up to no good.”

FINALLY, someone out there willing to address the growing epidemic of Up-To-No-Gooders completely upending their lives and living as trans people, to make it easier for them to Up-To-No-Good all over the little girls’ room. And what about the actual trans kids? Fuck them, right? Yeah, basically. The bill says trans kids can ask extra nice if they can use their own separate-but-equal one-seater potty, where no kids can accidentally see their crotch parts. Maybe the schools could build separate transgender outhouses, WAY far away from the gender-conforming kids!

Why is this happening now? According to a memo from Rep. Kremer, there have been “incidents.” What incidents? The memo doesn’t say. Oh, but there was this one time, he said in an interview, that a person with a girl part who identified as a boy was PULLING OUT HER GIRL PART IN THE BOYS’ BATHROOM. (And peeing with it! Probably in a stall! Where the other boys can hear!) Maybe Rep. Kremer has been reading too much of Mike Huckabee’s high school transgender sex booby slash fiction.

Kremer also says he wants to use this bill to “prevent discrimination,” against the oppressed cisgender majority, we guess.

And what if there’s a slip-up, and a wily transgender demon person accidentally makes toilet in the restroom that corresponds to his or her gender identity, and thus scars one of the other kids FOR LIFE? (Because that is a thing that happens.) Well, then, the shitty mommies and daddies of those shitty fake-traumatized students could make some SWEET extra cash:

Parents may also file a written complaint if they feel their student’s privacy is being violated because of transgender students’ use of a school’s bathroom or locker room. A school district then has 30 days to “investigate and attempt to resolve the complaint.”

If the complaining parents are not satisfied with the school district’s resolution, they may file a lawsuit against the district seeking money or other kinds of damages that are undefined in the bill.

That’s nice. Is this shit even legal, under Title IX, which bans discrimination based on gender, which, as Think Progress points out, INCLUDES gender identity, at least according to the gaysexual Muslim lawyers in the Obama administration? Fuck no.

So if this bill passes, have fun wasting on your taxpayer moneys on lawsuits, Wisconsin! We’re sure it’s worth it.

[Wisconsin State JournalWisconsin LRB 2643/1 / Kremer’s memo via Think Progress]

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