Oh hi, Wonkers! It’s Sunday afternoon, which means we’re going to yammer at you for a minute before we go eat bloody marys for brunch. We hope you are having a nice weekend and your favorite sportsball team is playing in a sportsmanlike way. So, the week’s top stories! They were a lovely assortment of gross people saying and doing gross things, in a very gross and bad way. Basically, a typical week at the Wonkette.
First, though, it’s time for housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you’ve already voted, that’s okay, VOTE AGAIN, WITH YOUR DOLLARS! If you don’t remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the mostest. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? We don’t have Joe Biden in the Wonkette Primary right now, because he has not said he is running for president. But if you want a Joe Biden thing, we have those too! (As always, if you are a Jim Webb supporter, you do not get a t-shirt and instead must remain naked and sad.)
Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, sometimes until Holy Shit O’Clock in the evening, and WE READ BRISTOL PALIN’S BLOG SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO. So please to give us $5, so we can keep being so great. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it as many times as you want!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them with all your internet pals!
1. UH OH, it looks like those dumb Duggar kids, Jill Duggar Dillard and her husband “Arranged Husband” might be doing their missionary work without a license. And despite what some lady in this week’s Deleted Comments said about “Jesus gives salvation freely,” that is NOT true, and it DOES mean all the Duggars’ soul-stealing is being conducted improperly.
2. Oh surprise, it turns out we weren’t kidding about Kevin McCarthy maybe having a great big sex scandal dancing around in his closet.
3. Oh sad! Josh Duggar’s penis has been banned from the TLC network! Guess we’ll never get a reality show where they put a GoPro on his dick and we get to see what adventures it goes on each week. Also, MAYBE his wife Anna is going to divorce him? Cross your fingers!
4. Bristol Palin is just OUTRAGED at the idea that teenage girls might not end up preggers in high school, like she did.
5. Kirk Cameron’s gay-hatin’ sister, “D.J. Tanner,” hopes you feel REAL bad about having HIV.
6. Awful human being Bobby Jindal demands Oregon shooter’s dad apologize for not loving guns enough.
7. Here’s a tragic story: An 11-year-old shot and killed an 8-year-old because she wouldn’t show him her puppy. But let’s not talk about how guns are a problem or anything. Thanks Second Amendment!
8. Those Good Christian Fame Whores, Sam and Nia Rader, are just too sad and stressed out to be Good Christian Fame Whores right now.
9. Did you miss the apocalypse? It was Wednesday! Read all about it.
10. And finally, after Kevin McCarthy announced he was prematurely pulling out of the race for speaker, House Republicans had a really shitty day and they cried a lot. Let’s point and laugh at them some more!
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst, @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.
Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!
Okay, we’re going to brunch and then to watch the Dallas Cowboys lose to the New England Patriots. Doesn’t matter which side you’re on (we’re not telling), that’s what’s going to happen this afternoon, probably.