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Classic pulp covers just don't account for women as equal participants in legislative diddling
ANOTHER Republican sex scandal?!?!

Remember a long, long time ago, when we told you John Boehner was quittin’ this here speaker job, probably because SEX SCANDAL? And you were like, Oh, Wonkette, LOLZ, you’re so funny, with the jokes, that’s why we love you and give you all our money.

And we were like, it’s a SCIENCE FACT that every Republican speaker or almost-speaker of the House has had naughty sexxytime skeletons dirty dancing in his closet. Like, every single one: Newt Gingrich was cheating on the second Mrs. Newt with the shrew-faced helmet-hair aide who would eventually become the third Mrs. Newt; first runner-up Bob Livingston was like, “Oh yeah, I guess I’ve been banging some extramarital strange on the side, never mind, I’ll go away now,” and he did; and then last resort Denny Hastert, it turns out, had some real naughty molesty skeletons in his closet, ewwww, Denny, you sick bastard. Allegedly. 

So, thus therefore and thus, Bohener’s resignation was probably because SEX SCANDAL, we told you, and the next guy after him, who was going to be House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, will undoubtedly resign one day because SEX SCANDAL too, it’s just basic math.

And then Kevin McCarthy pulled a Livingston and very suddenly and very suspiciously withdrew his name on Thursday, before House Republicans even had a chance to vote “OK, fine” or “No way, fuck that guy.” And what did we tell you? We told you SEX SCANDAL, probably, because that’s how we do, and you laughed and gave us more money, because that’s how you do. (That is how you do, right?)

But for serious, you guys, SEX SCANDAL. Dig this.

“Award-winning” “journalist” spunk sock Chuck C. Johnson has been typing words for months that Rep. Renee Ellmers of North Carolina, a married family values Republican of course, has been secretly banging Kevin McCarthy since 2011:

The affair is something of an open secret in Washington, D.C. Reporters at other publications, lobbyists, congressional staffers of both parties all know about it. One staffer for a congressman describes it as the “biggest open secret” in D.C. A lobbyist describes Ellmers as a “social climber who has ingratiated herself” with McCarthy.

House leadership also knows about the affair. Speaker John Boehner reportedly told McCarthy to stop the affair once McCarthy was elected Majority Leader says a well placed congressional staffer. At least one leadership staffer doesn’t think the affair ended. “They are unusually close,” says the staffer who insists that the affair is going on. “It’s weird if he’s not fucking her.”

But no one ever paid any attention to that because duh, Chuck C. Johnson. That guy is a total A Asshole and a A Idiot. But then … drumroll, please … The slightly a-tad-less Asshole Idiot Erick Erickson posted a story at RedState after Kevin McCarthy’s dramatic news broke, which he then deleted without explanation, but it’s still available at his website for his (eye roll) radio show.

According to Erickson, “a guy out in America who has emails for a massive number of members of Congress and the email addresses of highly influential conservatives outside Congress” — a guy Erickson described in a subsequent post as “a prominent conservative activist/philanthropist,” which the Hill reported late Thursday night was Chicago conservative activist Steven Baer, who “has been flooding lawmakers’ personal email in-boxes with blogs and articles about the McCarthy rumors” — had emailed everyone in his iRolodex a bunch of rumors that oh yeah, Renee and Kevin have totally been sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. And, according to very reliable source Erickson, this got all of conservative Washington DC a-talkin’ and a-gossipin’ about how, OMG, are they really doing it, for reals? And whoa if true! And OH FUCK, not another Republican speaker of the House sex scandal!

In his subsequent post on Thursday, Erickson wrote about another email, from the same A Guy, sent “directly to Kevin McCarthy, Rennee [sic] Ellmers, Peter Roskam, Mike Huckabee, and others,” with the subject line “Kevin, why not resign like Bob Livingston?” and suggesting “McCarthy might want to spare his family, neighbors, church, and members of Congress.”

Is there more? YES! Glad you asked. Per Erickson’s post, we learned that Ellmers’s fellow North Carolinian, Rep. Walter Jones, wrote a very curious letter to the party’s leadership:

With all the voter distrust of Washington felt around the country, I’m asking that any candidate for Speaker of the House, majority leader, and majority whip withdraw himself from the leadership election if there are any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress that will embarrass himself, the Republican Conference, and the House of Representatives if they become public. 

And just to make it extra clear for his GOP colleagues, Jones name-checked former House speakers and almost-speakers so no one could act like they didn’t know he was talking about SEX SCANDALS.

Now huh. Why would Rep. Jones all of a sudden worry about potential speakers having some naughty bits in their closets? Hmmmm. Good question, us! Maybe it’s because he got the email from A Guy (Steven Baer) too, and it made him preemptively crap his pants. Maybe it’s one of those totally Not True rumors, as Ellmers and McCarthy both insist, “No way, we are family values Republicans, we would never!” It wouldn’t be the first apparently bull-oney rumor to circulate around DC in the last couple weeks. Ahem, looking at you, Rep. John Fleming, MD.

But as Erickson observed:

It is again worth noting that both parties deny it. But the rumor itself may have led to McCarthy’s collapse. It has become a louder buzz over the past few days with more and more people on and off the hill talking about it. Once Ellmers’ odd quote was out there, the buzzing became chatter.

Oh, did we forget to tell you another detail? Nah, we were just waiting to drop it on you at the right time, for narrative. But check it: On Wednesday, Ellmers said she wasn’t so sure she’d support McCarthy for speaker, even though the two of them have been so bosom buddies for all these last four years, and she might vote for that wingding Jason Chaffetz from Utah instead:

“He has not spoken to me personally for my vote, and Jason Chaffetz has, so that’s where I am right now. At this point I will be casting a vote for Jason Chaffetz,” said Ellmers, who is facing a GOP primary challenger. “I can’t vote for someone who doesn’t ask for my vote.

“I’m apparently not high on his priority list,” she added.

Meeee-OW, Renee Ellmers! What were you expecting McCarthy to do — send you a dozen red roses and some chocolates and a calendar with babies dressed up like vegetables, saying “Pretty please be my Valentine and also can I have your vote?” How was he supposed to, uh, put you on his priority list? And is that a euphemism, wink wink, if you know what we mean? And, another follow-up question, how exactly did Chaffetz ask for your vote and make you feel like a priority? Or is that way too much TMI for the kids at home?

Curiouser and curiouser and what even the family values fuck is going on in the Republican caucus? No one knows! We’re not even done wondering who Boehner was secretly drunk-boning, and now we have to wildly speculate about his almost-replacement doing secret boning too!

Maybe it isn’t true, and McCarthy dropped out of the race because he was afraid he couldn’t win anyway. Or maybe it isn’t true, but the appearance of impropriety drove him away. Or maybe it is true, and Chuck C. Johnson really does deserve all the Pulitzers please, for doing journalism, and collecting McCarthy’s scalp because McCarthy and Ellmers are full-on Doing It, and they were afraid someone besides Chuck C. Johnson was going to expose them for the fake family values adulterous hypocrites they are.

The only thing that could make this whole sordid tale any more ridiculous is if we could somehow work good ol’ thrice-married perpetual cheater Newt “Moon bases!” Gingrich into the picture somehow:

During an interview with radio host Sean Hannity Thursday, the former speaker told the host that while he isn’t pining to retake the position he vacated in 1999, he would not be opposed to serving as interim speaker if he had the 218 votes necessary. […]

“Why are you laughing at my idea?” Hannity told Gingrich. “This is a serious proposal.”

“I’m not laughing at it. I’m saying to you — I’m trying to be totally honest with you,” Gingrich told the host. “If you were to say to me 218 have called you up and given you their pledge, obviously no citizen could ever turn down that kind of challenge. This is why George Washington came out of retirement — because there are moments you can’t avoid.”

And scene.

[Got News / Erick on the Radio / The Hill / Breitbart / The Hill / Washington Examiner]

 

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  • Lizzietish81

    At this point affairs are boring, let’s get some really juicy shit, like dead hookers in the mattress and a bunch of Mexicans locked in the basement forced to fight dogs.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    “Withdraw from leadership if there are any misdeeds he has committed that will embarrass himself, the Republican conference…” I’d say AOT,K, but with this bunch, bigotry, savaging the poor, hating on immigrants, and shutting down the government in a hissy fit over PP is nothing to be embarrassed about.

    • Toomush_Infer

      How many GOPers turned pale, upon reading this?…

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        There are a hell of a lot of them now saying they do not want the job.
        Who knew? Tea Party nutjobs are blackmailing their own caucus. Nice

      • HeywoodJablomey

        Brown trouser moment fo’ sho’.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      It’s not a bug, it’s a feature!

      • Playonwords

        It’s not a bug, it’s a potential man on hymenoptera sex scandal. …

        … hurr, hurr I said “hymen”

        • Querolous

          Is that hymenoptera a Vanessa virginiensis?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Having sexy-time with a colleague seems positively angelic compared to everything else they do.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        And the only thing they’ve ever felt embarrassed about was getting caught.

        • Seriously. They can have one giant sex orgy for all I care. That’s not really what I’m worried about.

      • SnarkOff

        Seriously. Totally OK to let the world melt, but for heaven’s sake, don’t fuck a colleague.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “We’re not even done wondering who Boehner was secretly drunk-boning”

    It doesn’t really matter, cause he’d be too drunk to fuck anyway.

    • A prescription for extra-strength Viagra, maybe?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      He might have nubbed it a little bit.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Old Grand Dad.

    • Playonwords

      Drunk Bayning?

    • SnarkOff

      Ask Editrix.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    So, all it takes to take down one of these clowns is a rumour? OK, you heard it here first – Every single GOP house member is a goat fucker.

    • Lizzietish81

      In fact there’s a whole ring. Goat fucking rings.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Ewe.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          Baaaaad representative.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Daisy chain.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            True story: I was working in the field once, well not working, slacking, but anyway I made a lil daisy chain (out of actual flowers, a chain of flowers) and my co-worker asks me what is that. I told him it was a daisy chain and he cracked up like it was the funniest thing in the world. Two years later I finally found out why.

          • Suttree

            Please continue.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            No, that is it, the whole story. Had a promising beginning but I bait and switched ya’ll like a proper lib.

          • Suttree

            I haz disappoint. :(

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Come for the snark. Stay for the kind of sex you never had but always wanted.

          • Better than the sex you always had but never wanted.

          • Playonwords

            Awwww, that’s so sweet although I really hope you were 14 and found out about it from a book.

          • calliecallie

            Been there, done that. The story, not the actual, um, chain.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        I prefer calamari fucking rings.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          Chicken Rings!!!!!!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Ahh soo.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            http://www.whitecastle.com/food/menu/Sides-Drinks/chicken-rings

            Chicken isn’t supposed to be in Ring Form….

          • glasspusher

            Do they have smoke rings when it’s over?

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Never been brave enough to eat those things.

          • glasspusher

            I am old now, and my stomach isn’t made of rubber, plus they don’t have White Castle where I have since moved to.

            Rats with Hats™

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Isn’t Krystal almost as awful?

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            It is if it’s batter fried cloaca.

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Burger King has Chicken Fries, but that doesn’t leave you asking… what did they do with the holes?

          • MsAnthropesMr

            Not really. I try not to think about it.

      • Playonwords

        Is that sort of like a purity ring for the guys?

    • O4FSake

      Goat fuckers, cat fuckers, pig fuckers and lowest of the low–snake fuckers.

      • Lizzietish81

        Father rapers! Sitting right there on the bench next to me!

        • O4FSake

          Cousin fuckers, also too.

        • MsAnthropesMr

          And creating a nuisance…

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Group W bench?

        • JustPixelz

          You know, I get that. (sighs … looks at AARP mailer wondering “how did this happen?” for the hundredth time)

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I cannot tell a lie. I put that AARP envelope under your garbage.

        • randomhookup

          And I think “mother stabbers” is some kind of euphemism.

        • davebedini

          Arlo libelz!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Fartknocker says Rick Perry also, too.

    • Toomush_Infer

      No no no! Yur getin it rong: you have to say something implausible…

      • MsAnthropesMr

        They’re actually all alien spacebeasts.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Much better!…with multiple prongs…

    • OneYieldRegular

      Of course all it takes is a rumor. Does a Baer shit in the House of Representatives?

    • randomhookup

      But what about the married ones?

  • freakishlystrong

    Gross. Republicans having sexy time. What self-respecting woman would schtupp a Republican? I just answered my question.

  • memzilla

    How about one of these guys?
    .

  • Ryan Denniston

    Can we PLEASE draft Gohmert? That would be so awesome!

  • Beowoof14

    After listening to some of his speeches I wonder how he was able to talk to a woman enough to get sex.

    • Lizzietish81

      Ball gag

      • Beowoof14

        Considering most republicans I can see that happening.

      • Playonwords

        Gimp mask with zip mouth

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Opens wallet…

    • JustPixelz

      From The Congressional Record

      “I’d like to caucus privately with you Representative Ellmers,” McCarthy whispered.
      “If you said cock-us,” she replied, “you can have my supple body politic, but you’ll never get my vote.”
      “Then let us convene in sexual Congress!”

      • Suttree

        That’s hawt!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Now you need to write the rest of it and sell it on the Amazon for 99 cents

        • Msgr_Moment

          Needs moar T-Rex.

      • OneYieldRegular

        No fair plagiarizing from Lynne Cheney.

  • VandeGraf

    So I guess the best way to get rid of the gerrymandered tea party weasel from downstate who is now our congress person is to find out where he wets his willy, if that’s his bent, because he’s definitely bent. If that can’t happen, I guess it’s back to the old “rich guy taking care of his cronies” attack, which, while true, has thus far been ineffective to unseat the uber-conservative robot.

  • OddMan

    Odd Woman and I were discussing this over TRMS and we agreed that this seemed similar to the mess we had in California when Gray Davis was kicked out and everybody and their mother ran for governor. So I propose Arnold Alois Schwarzenegger for Speaker of the House. It worked out so well for us.
    Plus he has that sexy time mess that would fit right in.

  • jviscont1

    OT: is the Wonkette Baby flipping me a pixilated middle finger in her panhandling photo above? where are the parents?

    • dslindc

      It seems irresponsible not to speculate wildly.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      That bird is aimed at Republicans.

  • beatbort

    The best part of that write up was Newt comparing himself to George Washington, whom rumor has it, died from pneumonia after climbing out of a prostitute’s window without any clothes on. And, oh yes, he had wooden teeth. Just like Newt too.

    • drbloor

      Well, Newt seems to have wood, anyways.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Eeeeew. Vagina splinters.

      • randomhookup

        Or… no need to ever complain about biting.

    • JustPixelz

      “a prostitute’s window”

      Is that what the kids called it back then?

  • Helena Handbag

    I am so glad we have good God fearing Christians running our government, just as Jesus intended.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      They’ve been forgiven. It’s all that matters.

    • glasspusher

      I hear fearing god makes the affair extra hot

    • sewollef

      It was in the past, it’s not relevant to who they are NOW. Don’t you people geddit?

  • JustPixelz

    I’m going back to watching porn. There’s less sex and more integrity.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Same number of assholes though.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Not as puckered…

        • PsycWench

          I dunno, in Congress they seem way out there in the open.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Way more authentic dialogue, also too.

  • beatbort

    Renee Ellmers, you may unpleasantly remember, was the one who gay-baited Clay Aiken in the last election. She implied (nudge nudge wink wink) that because he was living with a man in a committed relationship, he was somehow unfit morally to be a member of Congress.
    Would love to hear what Aiken has to say about this latest, although he’s probably too much of a class act to step into this dog shit.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Isn’t she the one, too, who’s opponent in the primary is hunting RINOs?

      • Ryan Denniston

        I think you’re thinking of Kay Daly, who’s running against Ellmers.

        http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/424364/rino-hunting-north-carolina-congressional-primary-john-fund

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          That is what I mean. Ellmers opponent, Missy Kay, is hunting RINOs.
          Because Ellmers is too feminist enough. I guess sleeping one’s way to the top is a way to prove she is so not feminist enough?

          • Ryan Denniston

            Ah, yes, I misread. Sleeping one’s way to the top is classic, but the change in with whom is interesting. I figure that she decided that being called a RINO meant she had to start sleeping with someone more conservative.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Ohhh you have a good point there. See? I am so not a RINO, I boff Cruz daily!
            That could work for her

          • Mehmeisterjr

            In former Soviet Union, Communist Party fuck you over. In America, Republican Party fuck itself over. What a country!

  • Jack_Carter_USA

    Here we go again.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Oh, Gawd, pleasepleaseplease let there be diapers involved.

    • Playonwords

      Gimp masks too?

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    “…any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress…”

    Funny that most security clearances go back to “Have you ever…” on a lot of issues (like drug using or commie being).

  • dslindc

    “And, another follow-up question, how exactly did Chaffetz ask for your vote and make you feel like a priority?”

    In front of as many microphones and cameras as possible like he does everything else, of course!

    • Playonwords

      “Can you show me on the doll, how exactly did Chaffetz ask for your vote”
      FTFY

      • mtn_philosoph

        Oh, I doubt it. The only person that Chaffetz seems to lurve is the person he sees in the mirror.

        • Playonwords

          To quote the great philosopher Anna Mae Bullock, “What’s love got to do with it?”

          To be serious for a moment that sort of narcissist is exactly the sort of person who indulges in sexual abuse.

  • JustPixelz

    The Republican Party is renaming itself the Key Party.

  • Spotts1701

    Somehow, some way, this is Obama’s fault. They’ll get a reason together soon enough.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      That trickster Bamz spiked the Congressional punch bowl with Spanish fly, forcing all those family values types to abandon those deeply held beliefs. ‘Cause otherwise they’d never be such raving hypocrites. Nosiree.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        OMG, you’re right. Obummer pulled a Cosby on the GO Pee-ers which figures because they are both b-l-a–h.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    It is again worth noting that both parties deny it.

    I liked how he worked the line that both parties do it into his narrative ^.^

  • Toomush_Infer

    Newt- this is a moment you can avoid, I’m 100% certain….

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The only thing that George Washington and Newt Gingrich have in common is that neither of them nailed Betsy Ross, though in Newt’s case it wasn’t for lack of trying.

      • beatbort

        Bill O’Reilly got there first, loofah in hand.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Just gonna leave this here for all the deleted commenter types:
    Yes, both sides do it. But your side is the one doing it (a whole lot more) while screaming about family values and trying to regulate everyone else’s sex life.
    Enjoy!

    • I almost wish – maybe not with this particular set of losers – that one of them would be all “Yes, I am in an open marriage, and this is my wife and this is my girlfriend. The guy in the back is my wife’s boyfriend. Sometimes all four of us get together and press our no-no places together, but scheduling that isn’t easy, so mostly we do our own thing. Next question?”

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Like, tell the truth? Get real.

    • AnOuthouse

      Weiner LIBLZ! (I just like to say weiner).

      • Playonwords

        Weiner Schnitzel!

        • bobbert

          Ouch.

        • Querolous

          Wiener Staatsoper!

  • I was too busy sniffing glue in Civics class, so I don’t know the answer but – can just anyone be Speaker of the House? I thought you had to be elected to Congress first.

    • justamakanik

      Anyone.

      • I mean, I already knew that any old loser in Congress could be speaker – that much was clear – but I never knew that the job was open to the full spectrum of American losers.

        • Skwerl King

          Apparently so. And you are second in line to the Presidency!

          • Third, right? Doesn’t the Veep get a shot at the job? That’s what I mainly took away from that TV show. That, and Julia-Louis-Dreyfus is a potty-mouthed genius. (OK, and also that I have no idea where the hyphen goes in her name.)

          • randomhookup

            She’s pretty slutty. I think she broke her hyphen a long time ago.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Veep is “first in line”, speaker is second.

            Not clear, even to legal beagles, is whether the speaker has to meet the requirements for the presidency. I think that a 30-year-old could be speaker, but would be ineligible to take over the presidency – whoever was next in line would take office instead.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Funny, the bottoms of those two barrels are the same depth.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Where do I submit my application?

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Fuck it. My hat’s in the ring.

        • justamakanik

          According to Wikipedia (the only true source of truthiness) it’s $223,500 for the Speaker.

          • Usedtobeyellerdawg

            I’ll do it for $220,000 even. See? I’m already cutting the budget and I haven’t even gotten started yet.

      • eggsacklywright

        OK, I’ll do it. IF it’s 100 percent virtual. Telecommuting only. No way I’m going to be seen in public with any of those fuquads.

    • Left Coast Tom

      There’s no requirement for the Speaker to be a House member, although no non-members have yet been elected.

      Edit: Are you thinking of running?

      • Playonwords

        But from all the scandals a Republican speaker is required to have a member and use it inappropriately.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        So they have all been “members.” Got it.

        • AnOuthouse

          So its time for a vagina?

      • Depends on what it pays.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Anybody can do it. How does Mr. Speaker Gayer Than Thou sound to you?

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Too fabulous.

      • I can’t deny the appeal of it, but right now I feel the best thing I can do is spend more time with my family. (Yes, there would be a sex scandal, so let’s just cut to the chase.)

        • Skwerl King

          But with you wouldn’t it be expected and encouraged?

          • Sadly, the scandal would be more along the lines of “Openly Gay Man Named Speaker of House; Has Not Had Sex (With a Human Being or Anything Alive) for … Quite a While.”

          • Playonwords

            Awwww …

            Love does come along, just hope it’s sooner rather than later.

    • randomhookup

      It’s like the Pope. Anybody can be elected, but generally only the cool kids are considered.

      • Oh, so like student council, then. Not that I’m still bitter about it at all.

      • mtn_philosoph

        To be fair, the job does kind of require having extensive knowledge of Congressional procedure, the ability to negotiate and skill at cutting very difficult deals, and the ability to impose discipline on and lead an incredibly fractious and uncooperative room full of three-year olds caucus.

  • OneYieldRegular

    This country. Ugh. I have a dream – that one day, politicians and government functionaries will be judged not by the hot contact between their skins but by the content of their character, should they happen to have any.

    • PsycWench

      “Content of Character”, 99 cents on Amazon.

      Not available yet but check back in a few hours.

    • MrBlobfish

      Where do you think you are? Italy?

  • Ryan Denniston

    Where’s Sister Sarah, has she made herself available yet?

    • Bob@Bob.com

      Andy Harris (R-Maryland) wants Bobby Jindal

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Andy is into melanin enhanced Howdy Doody types? Now there’s a scandal!

      • Playonwords

        In a good way, a bad way or a “meet me in the vestry, Jindal and bring the ball gag” way?

        • Bob@Bob.com

          He didn’t specify so the only responsible thing to d is speculate wildly

    • MrBlobfish

      She’s still sleeping it off on the bathroom floor.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bristol is always available.

  • coozledad

    There are moments you can’t avoid
    The rustle of sheets, the moment of penetration
    The wave of release flaming up from the base of the spine
    The moment. The scent. Callista.

    Available at selected Dollar General Stores.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I am now celibate. Thanks.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        x2

      • 24601

        I am now sterile.

        • Suttree

          See! We don’t need no Planned Parenthood.

          • MsAnthropesMr

            I suggested breast warning stickers yesterday.

    • MrBlobfish

      Isn’t that just a can of Aqua Net Fresh Fragrance Extra Super Hold Hair Spray?

      • Jared James

        I regret only that I have but one upfist to give for my now-impotent country.

      • Suttree

        Idk. Does botox have a scent?

  • tihond

    Gingrich is just letting everyone know he’s back on the hunt for strange.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Tiffany & Co. no longer extends credit?…

  • Msgr_Moment

    Meh. Broken clock is right once a day, Chuckie.

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    Grown-ups doing grown up things with their grown up parts; Boring. Can’t the Repubs find something new? Hookers and blow at least, or banging some exotic species?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Yeah. Common barnyard animals are so low rent.

      • Usedtobeyellerdawg

        Face it. Chickens are easy. They’ll do anything for a cricket.

        • eggsacklywright

          Sluts. All of ’em.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Not all of them have “Get Out of Hell Free” cards…

    • Skwerl King

      Considering they are always talking about interspecies sex, why not?

    • SnarkTank

      Ellmers gets paid handsomely by Corporate America and K St. for fucking over the American public. Doesn’t that make her (and every other Congresscritter and Senator) a hooker?

    • Bob@Bob.com

      I don’t know about that. Hastert was apparently into high schooloys

    • Randy Riddle

      Renee Ellmers is a species, but not particularly exotic.

  • amurrica

    Renee is also the same dummy who voted to shut down the government but then whined that SHE should still get her salary because she needed it. Her husband is a surgeon with his own practice but she needed her government salary for that month more than the emergency government staff working without pay…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I was working during that time, it sucked hard, and I wanted to personally slug every fucking republican I came across, with a big brick filled vote. On the upswing, it was sort of nice to gloat to my tea party colleagues that yes, that is what you get when you vote crazy in. How ya likin your non-paycheck?

      • amurrica

        I also was working then without pay, and I wanted to bitch slap Ellmers in her smug little face for that one.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Next time, try a vote-filled brick.

  • JustPixelz

    the shrew-faced helmet-hair aide who would eventually become the third Mrs. Newt

    Newt calls her “Roomba”.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Right after he calls Tiffany’s

  • randomhookup

    “They are unusually close,” says the staffer who insists that the affair is going on. “It’s weird if he’s not fucking her.”

    As someone who possesses far less power than the Whip, but has spent a massive amount of time in the FriendZone…it’s not *that* weird, is it?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      only for a republican. Remember, wiminz are only good for one thing.

  • 24601

    Shorter version: “You tell the truth about what we are doing, we tell the truth about what you are doing.”

  • 24601
    • Toomush_Infer

      Is she drooling? I think she’s drooling…..

      • Toomush_Infer

        I apologize. Toomush bad bad man….(sits in penalty box and feels shame)…

      • Playonwords

        Just not swallowing …

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      The thing in her hand is too big.

      • randomhookup

        Overcompensating.

  • malsperanza

    1. Much as I always enjoy the exposure of philandering by Family Values moral scolds, Imma wait a little longer on this one. The people attacking McCarthy were those insane rightwingers who think he’s too moderate. Sex scandal rumors is just how those people do.

    2. George Washington? George Washington,? Oh, Newt, never change.

    3. I has a huge sad that we’re not going to have a GOP Speaker named McCarthy again. #Opportunitylost.

    4.“I can’t vote for someone who doesn’t ask for my vote.” And there we have the GOP worldview in a nutshell. Voting for the person you think will do the best job is not even on the table. Fuck all these people sideways.

    • dirkmcquickly

      Joe McCarthy was a Senator. He never served in the House of Representatives.

      • Playonwords

        Damn you and your “reality”

      • malsperanza

        Silly! I was referring to Gene McCarthy.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Also a Senator.

          • malsperanza

            I hate to be pedantic, but I fear I must correct you. You’re thinking of the other McCarthy, the one who starred in the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers. He was the brother of the novelist Mary McCarthy, but only a cousin of Pres. Gene McCarthy.

          • mtn_philosoph

            Oh! … OK, thanks for setting me straight!

        • mtn_philosoph

          The only Speakers of the House since the early 1930s who were from the Republican Party were Joe Martin (two brief stints during the Truman and Eisenhower admins.), Gingrich, Hastert and Boehner. That’s it. During the same interval eleven different Democrats have held the post, including Sam Rayburn, the longest-serving Speaker from any party.

  • PsycWench

    I’m asking that any candidate for Speaker of the House, majority leader, and majority whip withdraw himself from the leadership election if there are any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress that will embarrass himself, the Republican Conference, and the House of Representatives if they become public.

    Am I the only one thinking “So, the Speaker is not going to be a Republican, then?”

  • Playonwords

    So …
    They want a Republican
    not currently involved in a sex scandal
    Family Values
    Christian™

    I said not currently involved in a sex scandal, Josh!
    Willing not to work ‘cos ‘Merka
    Good name recognition
    (No, Josh, bad Josh, take your fingers out of that Josh)

    Step forward Kim Davis

  • Jeamonn

    If I turned out the lights in the House chambers and turned on a black light I wonder what it would look like?

    • Suttree

      A crime scene?

    • Toomush_Infer

      The Milky Way?…

      • Jeamonn

        Seriously, I feel like at this point the floor would be sticky after all the sexy-time family values scandals up in there.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Great idea! I’m headed to Washington now with my storehouse of old galoshes! …I’m in the money!….

      • Gleem-McShinez
    • Randy Riddle

      Studio 54 on a Sunday morning?

    • malsperanza

      When I was in college. my roommates and I had a foul filthy apartment full of roaches. To solve this problem we spray-painted them with glow-in-the-dark paint. Drugs may have been involved. The little fuckers seemed not to be bothered, and for months any person foolish enough to go into the kitchen when the lights were out would see neon yellow and green roaches zooming off to their hidey holes.

      Just gonna leave that here.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Greg? Is that you? Remember the great garbage collapse of ’89? Good times, man, good times.

      • eggsacklywright

        Trippy. When life gives you lemmings, make lemming-ade.

    • 24601
      • Suttree

        Did you follow me to the bar?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Paisley?

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Electric Blue.

    • MrBlobfish

      Do not go in the cloakroom.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        But I need to “shed a few tears”

    • Won’t somebody think of the potential children dribbled all over the floor?

    • eggsacklywright

      Jackson Pollock.

      • Playonwords

        I cannot upfist this too much

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Keith Richard’s dressing room?

    • Gleem-McShinez
  • Relativicus

    Interesting that, whether it’s real, fake, memorex, or Fiorina-face, the rumor appears to only be important in the context of McCarthy as Speaker. Apparently, the moral bar to be Majority Leader is set much lower.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Pretty sure the rumor is more because the teajadists want utter control and are all pissy because no one takes them seriously as they work to effectively put the entire congress out of a job for good whilst still, I might add, getting /their/ pay for doing so.
      Inter-party blackmail is the best sort of blackmail.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Not having a Speaker might serve them well…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Who would notice the difference? Handsome Joe can bang the gavel.

          • Playonwords

            Changing your name to “Gavel” are you?

            Possibly a snark too far, if so sorry.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Since Biden presides over the Senate, if they asked him to also be Speaker of the House, he would be third in line for the Presidency after himself.

    • Biff52

      It’s kind of refreshing that most of the slut-shaming is being aimed at the male for once.

  • jviscont1

    and all this time, I thought rhino sex was limited to zoos.

  • Mavenmaven

    Darn, was hoping for rentboys again.

    • malsperanza

      Patience, Grasshopper. This too shall come.

      • lesterthegiantape

        Patience? I can hold my breath longer than it will take for the next scandal to erupt.

  • 24601

    Is extramarital sex the only thing Republicans find as a character flaw in themselves? Really? Reallly?

    • malsperanza

      And apparently not even that.

      • 24601

        Yeah, it’s only a problem if they also come out and tell the American public that they are money-wasting special select committee convening a-holes.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You can be a heartless bastard; it is encouraged. Hate on the poor, make racist remarks, try to make laws forcing women out of the work place and children back into it. You can be divorced a bunch of times, and cheat on your taxes. You can shoot a buddy in a “hunting” accident and tell holocaust survivors that they shoulda rushed the nazis. You can try to alter history texts to make slavery look like a fun time to be had by all while at the same time work diligently to keep minority voters gerry mandered into irrelevance. You can lie to the people, steal from the people, take bribes from the business interests and try to marginalize everyone who disagrees with you as un-American.
      But damn it, keep your willie to your wife!

      • Msgr_Moment

        On a positive note, this would be a good time to invest in jewelry stocks.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          It took me a minute there, but once I got it, I startled my cat.

      • Playonwords

        A wonderful, heart-felt and informative rant. Thank you

  • dirkmcquickly

    Subtext: Elmers is pissed that her “family values” facade has been exposed as bullshit and she’s blaming McCarthy for getting outed.

    • Dorothy Nelson

      Hell hath no fury like a family values slut exposed.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I don’t know what’s more sordid – being a married family-values (LOL) politician bonking another married family-values (LOL) politician, or being outed by Chuck C. Johnson. I mean, EEEEW!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Chuck C. “Tiny” Johnson.

    • AnOuthouse

      I keep picturing that doll from the horror movies.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    McCarthy’s one moment of true legislative greatness was naming a post office in Bakersfield after the mighty Buck Owens. And to think he squandered it all for a social climber from N. Carolina…

    • Roy Clark County Annex or STFU.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Gloom, despair, and agony on me.

        • Spurning Beer

          PFFT, you was gone!

      • iGrover

        Junior Samples Public Park FTW.

        • Lulu Roman Methadone Clinic and Snack Bar?

          Too soon?!?

          • whyieverdidit

            TAKE MY SEED, DAUGHTER OF THE FEN.

    • Left Coast Tom

      If only Bakersfield’s voters would elect someone who wants to do something about all their air pollution (worst in the US), it might be possible to see this legislative accomplishment.

    • Biff52

      Hey, at least he didn’t name it for reagan. I liked Buck, and I got taken to the Crystal Palace to see him for my 50th birfday.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Buck was an ignoramus, whose wife left him for Merle Haggard…so I’ve heard…

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          It’s forbidden in the Drublic household to speak ill of Mr. Owens. And besides, who HASN’T had a wife leave him for Merle Haggard?

        • Biff52

          So you’re saying next Speaker?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Zombie Buck Owens.

        • whyieverdidit

          Eh, it’s all good, now that he and Don Rich are Together Again.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Now THAT’S a 50th birthday to remember.

  • The positive to take from this: Absolutely anybody can get laid.

    • And yet, here I sit…

      • randomhookup

        Wait… we thought “the Gayz” (Trademark TCOT) were sexing each other 24×7?

        • Apparently, that’s the Platinum Package upgrade, which I did not pay for back when it was cheap.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Live and loin.

          • randomhookup

            Well, you can’t very well afford that AND Netflix, can you? A dude has to choose.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Maybe you are just in the wrong stall. Try the one second from the end.

  • JustPixelz

    This is a big fucking deal.

    • PubOption

      Do you want Bohner to do a Blagojevich and try to auction off the Speaker’s position?

      • artem1s

        hey, they can use it to pay off the debt… nah, no one wants it that much

  • AnOuthouse

    Too bad that Ellmers lady is getting primaried by that gun totin’ real conservative lady. See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    This all happened because congress is a gun free zone

    • Msgr_Moment

      Congresscritters’ spouses should be packing.

      • chicken thief

        Kev should be packing also too but you have to go to bed with the weapon he has, not the weapon you wish he had.

        ~ Renee

        • Villago Delenda Est

          The terrible thing here is that she was only expecting six inches, and she got so much less…

          • Playonwords

            If she wanted something twice that would she be a foot fetishist?

  • Msgr_Moment

    It Turns Out We Weren’t Kidding About Kevin McCarthy’s Sex Scandal. Huh!

    The affair is something of an open secret in Washington, D.C. Reporters at other publications, lobbyists, congressional staffers of both parties all know about it.

    And that’s what keeps us all coming back to the Wonkette, this incisive, below-the-Beltway insider information that we can’t get anywhere else.

    Oh, and the dick jokes.

    • lesterthegiantape

      BUT WHY WILL THEY NOT LET US COMMENT

      • Toomush_Infer

        I can’t hear you – yell louder!…

        • lesterthegiantape

          I can’t remember the HTML tag for that

          • Left Coast Tom

            IT’S LOWER CASE B

          • lesterthegiantape

            dammit it’s broken or something where’s the handle

  • Blender_415

    This should be no surprise. Since they’ve been refusing to do their actual jobs for this many years, it’s just natural that they’ve been spending all their time boning each other.

    Ew.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Idle hands…

      • Bob@Bob.com

        …make the winkie grow stronger

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I thought that was idle tongues?

          • lesterthegiantape

            With any luck, yes.

    • Jeamonn

      its irresponsible not to speculate that PP is opening a clinic in the Capital Building.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Maybe this is the new version of hostage-taking because the people don’t really like the “Government shutdown” one anymore.

      GIVE US WHAT WE WANT OR WE’LL TELL YOU ABOUT OUR SEXXXING

  • Jeamonn

    So it wasn’t enough for them to fuck each other figuratively….

  • MrBlobfish

    The Lansing Mafia strikes again!

    • mtn_philosoph

      Ingham going to give you an upfist for that.

  • Biff52

    ♪♫♪Nailed it her!♫♪♫

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Whoever the eventual winner of this pathetic turd hunt, Obama and OHJB should NEVER be in the same place together. Should God choose to smite them both with a meteor-or a safe dropping from a window-we’d be done for with President Cornhole from whereverthefuck.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Oh see, I was just thinking this is the perfect time for Bamz to come out about his intention to be president for life.
      “Obviously Congress does not work. *pause for frowny face* Therefore, I am shutting that thing down (hand smash), just like the tea party wants (wink to camera), and declaring that we are now in a monarchy (Big grin and pause). Bow, bitches”

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        We can only dream…

      • 24601

        Hee! Michael Savage was RIGHT! in that book my dad gave me that I used as kindling in my fireplace.

  • lesterthegiantape

    I’m willing to bet there’s nobody in line for the speakership who hasn’t at least gotten a wristie from an intern at some point. Given that the nation’s business is obviously done for the rest of the year, does anybody have a bowl of popcorn the size of Jupiter? There’s nothing more to do but watch.

  • This is Renee Ellmers, part of the GOP womens “reach around” program…. I mean, “outreach program”.

    • 24601

      I was going to strenuously object to that incredible piece of BS, but my pretty little head just got all confused thinking about babies and butterflies and rainbows that I just couldn’t think of a thing to say.

      • O4FSake

        No kidding! We are too busy thinking about fabric softener and shit to be able to handle the important things.

        • 24601

          I would say we are more thoughtful, less prone to resolving disagreements with WMDs, have less distractions (BEWBS!) than our male counterparts and we don’t take medications that may cause loss of hearing, eyesight and light-headedness because all of our blood has rushed to our johnsons and there is none left to support anything beyond basic brain stem functions.

          • O4FSake

            I used to move my lips and make no sound to make an ex boyfriend think he was losing his hearing from the Viagra.

        • Msmlg1979

          Someone has to keep the boys in soft, fragrant underwear!

        • Playonwords

          OT but regarding your screen name, that would make an incredible brand name for rice wine

    • proudgrampa

      Jesus, I’ve heard of them, but never seen a misogynist woman before!!!

      • Miss Dill

        Ann Coulter…

      • LaSargenta

        You don’t get out much, do you?

    • A Grumpy Cat

      As a woman and the IT person at my work, I find this hilarious.

    • Putty

      EXCUSE ME?

  • 24601

    My Dearest Renee –
    I can’t believe it are two weeks since last we did that thing that we have does with our most sincerely held personal patriotic bits. We must be strongly and careful waiting in sexually tension and anticipate of our next meeting. My hearts is so full at the thinking of the pleasure I will soon enjoying in your vaginia.
    Ever,
    Kevin

    • nmmagyar

      It’s like a bad translation of VCR instructions

    • Gleem-McShinez

      I wonder if they do sexxy times like they do their word-salading?

      What’s the peen and vadge equivalents of misspellings, participles dangling, unmatched verbs and subjects, lots of run-ons, and improper tenses?

      • bobbert

        “Ooops”

  • Toomush_Infer

    Okay, so who’s Ryan’s gym trainer?…

    • chicken thief

      Aaron something or ‘nother?

      • Playonwords

        so is Ryan Aaron’s Rod?

        • nmmagyar

          …or his staff? It would be irresponsible etc, etc.

  • AncienReggie

    There ain’t no cure
    There ain’t no cure
    There ain’t no cure for love.

  • glennisw

    Nice of Newt to come in and make it All About Him.

    • greyXstar

      In all fairness, he really didn’t. Hannity made it all about Newt, and Newt basically just laughed at him and said anyone would do it if they had the support.

  • Sgt. Gym Bunny

    You know, GOP dudes and woman-dudes, this wouldn’t be such a controversy if you weren’t constantly waving your Jesus-Loves-Me Puritan Panties in the air… Just sayin’…

  • middleclassman1

    So all these family value conservatives new this and did nothing?

  • sporky

    I blame it all on the permissive born-again Christian culture that teaches people that they can do anything they want–molest children, commit war crimes, embezzle, grift–and it’s perfectly okay just as long as they have invited Jesus into their hearts. Whereas if you’re an atheist and you do antisocial, illegal and vile things, there’s no way to wipe it off your record, so you’re forced to be a decent citizen and not do bad stuff in the first place. Which is why I trust an atheist over an evangelical any day.

  • Blender_415

    DON’T Google Renee Ellmers. Just don’t do it.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Ha, we’re way ahead of you. I’ll say one thing, she has teh crazy eyes like so many others of her tribe.

    • Suttree

      Huh, she’s from a town called Ironwood. Coincidence?

    • Logic of Color

      I Googled and Binged “Renee Ellmers Corn Dog” but found nothing. Proof right there that god does not exist.

    • Putty

      I found her online, but only inadvertently … I was looking for contact info on my representative in Raleigh NC (Dem. David Price, 4th district). And there she was, Rep. Renee Ellmers, 2nd district, and photo right next to hers was Rep. Walter J. Jones, Jr., 3rd district (the letter writer). I wanted to contact my representative and say, “WTF! Man, you better keep your nose clean ’cause we’re watching you! Remember what you’re there for!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    First, he’s not up to Republican standards if he’s doin’ it with a girl, and second, TWOFER!

  • chicken thief

    Chuck C Johnson should get a Pulitzer for posting what everyone knew? Shit, I’ll start a blog. First articles:

    ~ Boehner drinks, A LOT
    ~ Miss Lindsey is gay, or if not, the gayest straight man in America
    ~ Donald Trump has ugly hair

    Wonkette party after my Pulitzer acceptance speech!

    • nmmagyar

      I’ll bring chips

  • chicken thief

    Does this alleged affair between Kevin and Renee remove the possibility that Boner and Kevin were doing the nasty? Or was it just a cover? We must continue to probe!

    • Major_Major_Major

      It’s all the probing that has gotten us to this point. Why don’t the congress critters just have a full on televised Caligula-fest and get it out in the open.

      • nmmagyar

        Whatever happened to the good old days of boning pages (who are 18 or older, don’t be pervs) and secretaries? Or each others wives? Or dance hall girls/boys?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      My guess is it was a foursome. Renee held the chicken.

  • Steverino247

    Well, she appears to have some talent…
    http://www.redstate.com/uploads/2014/03/renee_ellmers_AP.jpg

    • nmmagyar

      Probably far more jaw extension than necessary…

      • weejee

        Food for thought.

      • Steverino247

        The reptilian brain took over and just unhinged the jaw automatically.

      • O4FSake

        No gag reflex. A nice trait.

        • nmmagyar

          Its gotten me where I am today!

    • HeywoodJablomey

      McCarthy was just ‘bringing it down to a woman’s level’ like she requested.

  • Holy crap, this is so fucking great!!! (reaches for the popcorn…)

  • rocktonsam

    honestly, when do thes fuckers find time to work?

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Izzat one a them there… rhetoricalist questions?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    It should come as a surprise to no one that none of these shameless hypocrites think the rules should apply to them, that they can’t imagine being found out, and that they have no impulse control and a tendency to instant gratification.

    They are literally infantile.

    At least it’s good for Mitten’s legacy and reputation – his callousness and boardroom greed barely veiled by a peculiar smarmy/robotic exterior looks like the pick of the bunch for the last decade or so when compared with these clowns.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Plz now be providing next week’s lotto numbers, thx.

  • Blackest Noobs

    this stuff is hilarious. Republican never had leadership in the first place, they have no direction, and their own sole purpose is do the exactly opposite of anything Obama proposes because black man can’t tell whitey what to do, ya figure…and besides it’s a purpose that gains you nothing as we all can well see.

    this implosion of the Republican party is largely due to the fringer righter who throw tantrums to get their way and have little to no understanding how our govt works…it’s called compromise…the fucking Constitution was a godamn fucking compromise….not everyone got what they wanted but that how fucking compromise works and that’s how our fucking govt works.

    but lately with these asshole tea-farters….govt hasnt been working….and the fault lies with them…and us the dumbasses who voted them into office.

    • essbird

      To be fair, they were the same and doing the same shit when Big Dog was in office. Their modus is to oppose Democrats, period.

      • Blackest Noobs

        but even more so with the black guy….seriously who in the fuck lacks the decorum of not yelling out you LIE in the middle of a State of the Union???

        sure sure, Republicans despise Democrats, but they really get their panties in a twist when it’s a black Democrat and he’s the mutherfucking President….just the amount of disrespect is so fucking unbelievable

        • nightmoth

          Also, I’m not forgetting that white Democrats, including Pelosi, took their own sweet time about reproaching “You Lie” Joe Wilson and the GOP over that incident.
          I sent emails to the Dems offering to come up to D.C. and slap the shit out of Wilson, since they were too wussy to do it. I read that a lot of other people did the same, before they were officially “offended.”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    What is it with the wingturd women with crazy eyes? Wingturd men cannot resist and fall in a trance under the powers of the stare?

    • nmmagyar

      Like the snake in The Jungle Book

      • Putty

        Kaa: “Trust in Me”

    • one_who_wanders

      She looks like one of the reptilians in V getting ready to shed her human skin.

  • nmmagyar

    I need a shower. And a gallon of bleach.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      And some ether?

      • DrV57

        And the flashy-thingy from MIB.

      • nmmagyar

        I’m taking a lovely mix of gabapentin and tramadol, with xanax – so I think I’m good on that front.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          I was hoping you’d say “What am I? 12?”
          Sounds like you’re having a par-tay!

          • nmmagyar

            More like pinched nerve(s) in my neck and I am postponing cortisone injections/surgery. But party is good also, too.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            :-(
            I think I need one of those shots for my elbow, but I’m a scaredy cat.

          • nmmagyar

            I’ve had them in other places (toes, ankle, knee, nose) and they aren’t too bad. But, for some strange reason, I’m not real excited about having them directly into my spine.

  • Count Awesome

    Is this ‘no skeletons in the closet’ rule also known as the Hastert rule?

    • nmmagyar

      No, they actually follow the Hastert Rule; this is more like one of the 10 Commandments.

  • diogenez

    Has anyone blamed the gays yet?

    • nice_marmot

      I figured it was just assumed.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Planned Parenthood is the new gay.

    • Takoma DC

      FFS! Stop homosizing these gun homocides!

  • Logic of Color

    I’m guessing the Boehner’s sex scandal is that he got fucked by his party

    • Takoma DC

      Well, and please refrain from reminding me that what I’m about to say is perpetuating stereotypes. I know but sometimes (forgive me) they’re true.

      As many of us know, orange people are considered exotic and highly sensual. It’s not surprising his colleagues desired congressional canoodling and sexxxytimz with Drinker Boehner.

      • Querolous

        I prefer green.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Well, his predecessor in the district got a big 90 days in jail for a statutory rape conviction.

    • Zhu Bajie

      There are loads of hookers in Newport, KY, neighboring his district on the north bank of the Ohio. At least he isn’t giving them bad checks, like another Cinti politician once did!

  • proudgrampa

    I think the big story here is Wonkette’s prescience on this story. That is remarkable for a mommy blog driving around with a Babby in a Winnebago.

    • nmmagyar

      The new server gave them superpowers!

    • Flashman

      Yeah, even MSNBC did not “go here” last night! But our Wonkette did! Of course, to be fair, our Wonkette pretty much always “goes here.”

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Don’t kid yourself, Donna Rose is no babby, she’s pulling the strings for this here mommy blog. She’s the power behind the throne.

  • weejee

    babies dressed up like vegetables

    Camouflage to avoid the Cthulhu feast?

    • Takoma DC

      Isn’t that a babby lobster?

      • Zhu Bajie

        Someone’s been taking Jno Swift, _A Modest Proposal_ too seriously!

  • Me not sure

    “Last week I couldn’t even pronounce sex scandal and now I are have one.”
    Kevin McCarthy

    • tihond

      “What a country!”

  • Poly_Ester

    Slightly OT, but isn’t it interesting that the Republican leadership (an oxymoron) thinks that Speaker is too tough a job for any manly Republican, but a woman Democrat handled it just fine.

    • Takoma DC

      According to Chris Krispie Kreme of NJ, the position of Speaker is no big deal – no one cares about it.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Best. Cocktober. Eveh.

  • SK

    Just for the next week, they should let Chuck C. Johnson back on Twitter.

    • Keith Gargus

      “Spunk sock” for Chuck is nice work, Kaili.

  • azeyote

    actually Gingrich looks like someone dug up old dead George Washington for an encore,

    • nmmagyar

      Or Babs Bush, I can never tell them apart

  • DahBoner

    Maybe Kevin McCarthy could apply for a job with Southwest Airlines

    Because they always pull out on time, too….

    https://media1.giphy.com/media/pmgkCpOpwCQ6c/200w_d.gif

    • zerosumgame0005

      this was a bad week to give up sexxytiming fellow congresscritters!

  • Callyson

    And, another follow-up question, how exactly did Chaffetz ask for your vote and make you feel like a priority? Or is that way too much TMI for the kids at home?

    Never mind the kids–that’s TMI for me

  • nice_marmot

    The lesson for Republicans here is: Don’t have an extramarital affair until after you’ve been elected Speaker.

    • zomgitsjesus

      Or if they want to minimize the repercussions, just stick to the wide stance in men’s restrooms.

  • georgiaburning

    The California Repubs can breathe a sigh of relief, finally a Bakersfield guy diddling a grown lady rather than teen-age boys.

  • clever_sobriquet

    Hey now, I ingratiated myself a couple of times just this morning.

  • zomgitsjesus

    I have it from a good source that she called out “Oh Jason, harder, harder!” and it really pissed Kevin off because everyone knows Chaffetz’ peener don’t do hard, at least for women folk anyway.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    Sitting in a tree, F-U-C-K-I-N-G. . . Now, that is some serious wood. And also, these crazy kids are really going out on a limb. Speaking of trees, didn’t each of these wankers already put a ring on it (with other peoples)? Afterward, when it’s going down, does she yell timber?
    That is all.

  • greyXstar

    Of course he’s not gonna put you high on his priority list. You’re the side chick!

    How do these people get through life not knowing how anything works?

  • KA

    What did I tell you? You can always find a various collection of hoes, rakes and other garden tools in the GOP shed.

    • Takoma DC

      Yes but they’re all dirty, dull, and cheaply made.

  • Marie Watkins Crocker

    I now have visuals it will take decades of psychotherapy to erase. Well, therapy or rheumatiz medicine…

    • Takoma DC

      Gin is quicker.
      And a helluva’ lot moar tasty.

      • Marie Watkins Crocker

        Tastier than scotch, which is my version of rheumatiz medicine? Or even Scotch? Lagavulin fer preference…

  • User_0

    I’m Ellmers Fug, let’s roll in the mud.

  • SnarkOff

    I hate that Chuck C. Johnson, Amateur Journalist, was right about this one.

    • Grokenstein

      Even if his assertion turns out correct, he’s not so much “right” as he is “desperate enough for attention” that he drum-banged a rumor that was already circulating freely long before anyone knew who he was. MUS CREJIT GOAT SWEN!

    • handyhippie65

      it’s that broken clock thing all over again.

  • Markuserektus
  • handyhippie65

    so sexxyfuntimes with not the spouse, are one of the values the voters these days, who knew?

  • Takoma DC

    That’s it? A maybe affair between family values teatard reps? As long as they don’t reproduce, who cares?

    • sw19womble

      Because vile hypocritical fuckwads?

      • Takoma DC

        I find it boring. We know they’re hypocritical fuckwads.

        Now if he’s tying his testicles to an office chair as proof of his undying love, I’m all ears. These people are boring.

        And not even remotely attractive.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Their constituents might not like to find out they voted for “family values Republicans” who are boning each other while their spouses wait at home. I agree it would be way more interesting if they were way more attractive

          • Takoma DC

            I’d be surprised if their constituents Wonkette readers.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I think the take away here is that none of us want to see any of these people naked!

          • Takoma DC

            Agree. I prefer my political sex scandals to have at least a few attractive people. Italian masquerade balls and orgies. South of France transexuals. Beautiful costumes and set designs. Wonderful music and champagne. Gorgeous hotels and charming seaside villas. Maybe a few scenes depicting Finnish rough trade and Icelandic polyamorous characters – that’s all I ask.

          • sw19womble

            Yet again, furries are airbrushed from history!

          • Zhu Bajie

            Maybe that IS their family value?

    • Zhu Bajie

      Maybe there’s a movie in the making? Sexy Senate?

  • leemoder

    Newt Gingrich compares himself to George Washington.
    I need all the scotch, plz.

  • Putty

    I tell you what! That must be one helluva hot sexytown place, that U.S. Capitol. Sex is fine and all, but geez, all the hiding, lying, sneaking, blackmailing, paranoia and shit! They can’t think straight, much less get any proper legislatin’ done. Too busy either exposing or covering their asses.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    They really should just dig up Reagan’s corpse and call it a day.

    • TundraGrifter

      Why not? It worked out so well for them the last time they tried that.

      Weekend at Ronnie’s?

    • perhaps….expose it long enough for the millions that want to piss on it ?

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Everyone outta my way! I’ve got a corpse to piss on.

        • you may have to get in line -there’s millions who wish to do so

  • Zhu Bajie

    We’ve had Nailin’ Paylin; maybe it’s time for a Sexy Senate movie! Orgies of fat, disgusting, people having orgies.

    • nmmagyar

      YAY?

    • Metadude

      No, my god, no.

  • TundraGrifter

    “Girl Friday?”

    She looks like a girl every Friday.

    “Speaker John Boehner reportedly told McCarthy to stop the affair once McCarthy was elected Majority Leader…”

    That’s Johnny Boner. A day late and a dollar short.

    • Takoma DC

      The ‘Girl Friday’ in classic Hollywood movies were 1- gorgeous and very smart (when GF supporting role very snarky also too); 2 – nerdy-cute and super smart and a little insecure; 3 – kind of funny looking, super smart, heart of gold, very confident, and incredibly snarky.

      That female vagina woman gop knob gobber does not even come close to any of those wonderful archetypes.

      • ahhh – Rosalind Russell was no whore. She was a tough cookie with a job to do and no one stood in her way – she was accountable. Unlike Ms. Whore Ellmers.

  • Fucking hypocrites. Philandering liars make me sick.

    Ellmers, a Roman Catholic,is a “family values” Republican with Christian values. She has said “As a mom, Christian and nurse, my beliefs have deepened through experience… I am pro-family.”

    Family values THIS.

  • LadyLaz

    When I hear family values, I automatically think cheating pos hypocrite. Way to go with the branding.

  • LadyLaz

    I am going to ask something stupid…. but are you telling me that you don’t have to be a member of the house to be the speaker??? Because I’ve heard Mittens and now the Newt and neither are house members.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Correct, there’s no such requirement. Are you thinking of putting in a resume?

      • LadyLaz

        Only if i can wear my tinfoil unicorn horn.

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    “…I’m asking that any candidate for Speaker of the House, majority leader, and majority whip withdraw himself from the leadership election if there are any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress that will embarrass himself, the Republican Conference, and the House of Representatives if they become public.” Well, fuck, where are they going to find anyone then? Besides, it kind of kills all of our fun. Spoil sports!

  • Pete Needham

    My guess is that an agreed-on bogus affair is the way for McCarthy to back out almost gracefully, instead of for the real reason…even all the other conservatives think that he’s an incompetent idiot.

    I also notice that when McCarthy made his gaffe, Sean Hannity failed completely to pick up on it, and kept yapping in his moronic way as if what McCarthy said WASN’T a gaffe.

  • Metadude

    Oh…fall at Wonket…the gentle breezes of Cocktober become the gales of Blowvember. My favorite time of year!

  • Metadude

    We’re not even done wondering who Boehner was secretly drunk-boning, and now we have to wildly speculate about his almost-replacement doing secret boning too!
    -Gotta be a goat.

    • nmmagyar

      I think Boner and Cantor were a couple. The break up was messy, so Cantor left in a huff

      • Metadude

        but who was the bottom?

        • nmmagyar

          Boner – you can’t get it up when you drink that much. Allegedly.

  • Blue

    I’m disappointed that a lame affair is disracting from what McCarthy said about the Benghazi11! admissions.

  • Bob Harrow

    Stick it in her mouth…

  • Ranina

    My blood still boils every time I think about how those hypos put this country through hell forcing Clinton to admit to getting a blow job, all the while getting theirs. We were the laughing stock of the world (still are) and kinda lost focus while Bin Laden realized he could get away with virtually anything. And then the Bush Crime family moved right in.

  • jangoodell

    “…if there are any misdeeds he has committed since joining Congress that will embarrass himself, the Republican Conference, and the House of Representatives if they become public. ”

    How could anybody in the Republican Conference or House of Rep be any more embarrassed than they should be already? What is a little hetero-sexytime in contrast to all their buffoonery and crying in the cloakroom?

  • King Honkey

    1. Does Ellmers dress up in her nurse’s uniform for McCarthy?
    2. Did they get busted because McCarthy kept asking other Congressmen to smell his finger?
    3. Did that shitstain Newt just compare himself to George Washington?

  • Duke

    Check the lusty look she’s giving Paul!

    Oh… Baby… I can’t resist your powerful… dithering.

    She’s no Bella Abzug but I’d consider it.

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