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It's not like the job is THAT hard
It’s not like the job is THAT hard

It’s hard out there for a Republican member of Congress right now, and not just because everyone in America, including their fellow Republicans, hates their maggot-infested guts. First, John Boehner tells his caucus he is sick of their bullshit, he is outta here, SEE YA WOULDN’T WANNA BE YA. Then his second-in-command, Kevin McCarthy, who doesn’t snuggle him nearly as good as that loser Eric Cantor used to, decides he doesn’t want the job either. (Cough cough sex scandal cough cough.)

Already, plenty of other Republicans are insisting nah, man, they don’t want the job. Like that wonky Wisconsin boy wonder Paul Ryan, who could magically balance our budget with magic elf farts, if only we’d let him? As flattered as he is that everyone wants to take him to the dance, he is still not interested in being homecoming queen.

And as for the rest of the Republicans? Well, apparently, they are too busy crying like little girls with skinned knees about the TOTAL AND UTTER COLLAPSE OF THEIR PRECIOUS GOP HAHAHAHAHAH.

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 11.31.16 AM

Dudes! There’s no crying in the cloakroom! What are you, a bunch of sissy-pants girly men Democrats or something? Apparently yes, they are. And their party is such a mess, they literally do not know what to do with themselves. Maybe Boehner has the right idea, and it’s time for all of them to crawl inside a tanning bed with a bottle of booze, because actually running Congress? It’s just so haaaaaaaard, SAD WHINY FROWNY FACE.

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 11.34.03 AM

While they’re sobbing and eating ice cream right from the container, let’s see what Democrats have to guffaw about all of this, shall we? Yes, let’s!

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 12.06.39 PM

Mmm, smoothies. It’s the healthier alternative to popcorn!

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 11.35.14 AM

Oh look. Here’s a willing volunteer!

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 11.36.02 AM

That would be newly retired Rep. John Dingell, the longest-serving member of Congress in U.S. history as well as the hands-down best congressional Twitterer in history too. Dingell had heart surgery earlier this week, and he’s scheduled for a second surgery, but he’s not the type to let a little thing like multiple heart surgeries get in the way of trolling so hard, LIKE A BOSS.

And if they can’t find any of their House colleagues willing to take the gig, there’s always the Greatest Whitest Great White Savior of the Republican Party:

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 11.41.28 AM

Or maybe the entire Republican Party should just wipe their snot from their tear-stained faces and admit they are absolutely terrible at this and put the gavel back in the hands of the Democrats, where it belongs.

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  • Callyson

    Say, you know who else was unable to handle the unrest and confusion?

    • Shibusa

      Li Peng and Jiang Zemin?

    • PubOption

      General de Gaulle in May 1968?

    • borninatrailer

      Christian Bale’s character in The Machinist?

    • The coat checker at the insomnia convention?

    • memzilla

      Marshal Petain? Marshal Foch? Marshall Tucker?

      • SnarkTank

        MacLuhan libelz!!!one!

      • Beaumarchais?

        Marshal, Marshal, Marshall!

      • pattyp

        Marshall Plan?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Marshall Mathers?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Marshal Dillon?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Herbert Hoover?

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Nicholas II?

    • ArgieBargie

      You guessed it, Frank Stallone!

    • Spotts1701

      Captain Wilton Parmenter?

    • Lizzietish81

      Henry VI

    • BadKitty904

      King George III?

    • AnOuthouse

      Marie Antoinette?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Maximilien Robespierre and the Comité de salut public, eventually?

    • AnOuthouse

      Tsar Nicholas II ?

    • calliecallie

      Scarlett O Hara?

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …the Mayor of Gotham City?

    • OneYieldRegular

      My former psychotherapist?

    • JoeChristmas

      Me, off my Lithium?

    • JohnBull
    • onedollarjuana

      Yossarian?

    • BadKitty904

      Louis XVI?

    • Pat_Pending

      Neely O’Hara?

    • Painter of Goats

      My seventh grade Spanish teacher?

    • BearGHAZI

      Joffrey Baratheon, First of his Name?

    • bobbert

      The refs who called the Fail Mary?

    • Redstart

      Benedict XVI?

    • mtn_philosoph

      Richard J. Daley and the Chicago PD?

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Inanimate Carbon Rod for Speaker!

    • memzilla

      Rested, Radioactive, And Ready!
      .

      • PubOption

        A moderator for the extreme elements of the party.

        • cousin itt

          It’s a graphite for power.

          • Lizzietish81

            After what happened at Chernobyl that’s probably not a good thing

      • pearlsarefuzzy

        Hey, GOTPers have only three fingers JUST LIKE CARTOON CHARACTERS!! Who knew?

      • OddMan

        Just in Log decides to enter the GOP Speaker race.

        • OddMan

          As a former worker in a Nuclear Power Plant, ( a requirement for all Odds) and a tree hugging hippy I am torn between Log or Rod.

        • willi0000000

          it’s better than bad . . . it’s good!

    • whatwhomever

      that guy’s a RINO sellout!

  • Callyson

    members are crying in cloakroom

    I guess Boneheader had some influence over the Republicans in Congress after all…

  • memzilla

    The House Republicans need a leader who has experience catering to the demands of extremists; who has a long history of refusing to compromise; who is right-wing enough; and who hates Obama as much as they do. There is only one man for the job:
    .

    • Shibusa

      If Bibi doesn’t want the job, there’s always Vlad.

      • JoeChristmas

        What about Hitler?

        • Lizzietish81

          Even he is not crazy enough

      • jesuswasablack

        I heard Vlad had that horses peen chopped off cause it was bigger than his little pencil!

      • coozledad

        Ease up on that bit, you stupid bastard! Poor horse.

        • Beaumarchais?

          It’s a Russian horse. They like it rough.

        • Seek

          No bit which is odd. Some sort of halter with reins? Or is the halter over some sort of rope in its mouth? Weird set up by most standards, even Russians.

          • Beaumarchais?

            Mebbe it’s fiberglas.

          • coozledad

            Looks like cable.

        • valgalky23

          He holds the reins like a girl.

      • Querolous
      • elpinche

        I’m just happy Vlad has bigger tits than me. The kettle bells are working.

      • blaid droog

        Moobs. Also moar hair club for men.

      • mtn_philosoph
    • lovelydestruction

      Ted Cruz has been up to no good…I wonder

    • blaid droog

      His tie matches that strange blue nazi symbol

    • lovelydestruction
    • SadDemInTex

      Genius! It’s exactly who they want.

  • Callyson

    I’m sure they’ll find someone capable of accepting the honor

    I know just the perfect person, if they actually want to get something done in Congress for a change:

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I slept a lot better when she was third in line for the POTUS.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      She’s so cheeky. She’s just so veddy veddy cheeky.

    • AnOuthouse

      That was the first person I thought of.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Do any of these dingleberries understand that this was their own doing?

    • Callyson

      • coozledad

        National Review says Obama is gaslighting the Republicans by taking selfies and chewing gum. No shit.

        http://alicublog.blogspot.com/2015/10/im-not-nuts-youre-nuts.html

        • SterWonk

          Free community college Repealing Obamacare? Hey, it’s never going to become law, so why not propose it …”

        • Lancelot Link

          Well, he was chewing gum while walking. That intimidates them.

    • Mr Corrections

      Absolutely not.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        Thought so. Thanks for confirming.

        • LesBontemps

          Clearly, it’s because Obama is weak.

          • whatwhomever

            and a dictator.

          • coozledad

            He keeps beating the shit out of them with that faggy selfie stick.

          • HogeyeGrex

            With a time machine.

    • Thaumaturgist

      If they did it to themselves, it doesn’t count. Because IOKIYR.

    • TheBidenator

      No it was obviously Democrats fault just like all the mass shootings, the economic collapse, Iraq falling apart….they do this in a behavior pattern you see.

    • diogenez

      no

    • Pat_Pending

      These are bought-and-paid-for little show ponies. Their handlers don’t expect them to think, and if they do they are shot and new ones are brought in.

  • Callyson

    SPEAKER ROMNEY?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “There’s no crying in the cloakroom! What are you, a bunch of sissy-pants girly men Democrats or something?”

    If they were Democrats they would have a smart, strong woman as their leader, with decades of experience who would be telling them exactly what to do.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom”

    WHO IS DEEP THROAT ROCK BOTTOM

    • Spotts1701

      Aaron Schock?

      • LesBontemps

        Obligatory “I’d hit that.”

        (With a shovel, full of votes.)

        • nmmagyar

          I’d hit it in the traditional way. I would talk to or vote for him, but hitting would be OK

  • LarryHoudini

    Romney? (We’re all losers; he’s a Mormon with a car elevator; LEADER????)
    YES

    • Creepoman

      Isn’t there some technicality about having to be an actual Representative or something? Or maybe the monarchy’s already started and I missed trumpet fanfare.

      • LarryHoudini

        As stated in the previous Wonkette post: “And there’s no law that says the speaker even has to be a member of Congress.” If Wonkette says it, it has to be true!

        From the U.S. House of Representatives, Office of the Clerk
        http://clerk.house.gov/member_info/memberfaq.aspx:
        “Article I, Section 2 of the U.S. Constitution states, ‘The House of Representatives shall chuse their Speaker and other Officers.’ Although the Constitution does not require the Speaker to be a Member of the House, all Speakers have been Members.”

        Pretty fucked up that they can “chuse” anyone they want, seeing as he’s third in line for the presidency.

        • Creepoman

          Wow – thanks, I feel S-M-R-T-R already!

        • Redstart

          It says they’ve all had members? Nancy Pelosi too?

  • ArgieBargie

    That’s a nice ding from Dingell.

  • dslindc

    I nominate a sack of white flower holding a gun and a sign that says, “Speek English!”

    • Mr Corrections

      “American” not “English”

      • Boscoe

        You spelled Amercian wrong. ;P

        • Mr Corrections

          well, to be fair, dslindc also wrote “flower” instead of “power”

          • dslindc

            Oh damn. I meant “flour”. Fast typing FAIL to me.

          • Mr Corrections

            Oh, I knew that, I just wanted to make it more accurate.

          • Gleem-McShinez

            “White Power, you say? Whose got two thumbs and is the whitest power around? This Bobby Jindal is!”

          • nmmagyar

            I read it as “White Powder” and was going to nominate Rob Ford

        • Cindyinencinitas

          Moran.

  • Indiepalin

    McCarthy & Ellmers?!? He offered her honor. She honored his offer. And all evening long he was on her and off her.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      You know what’s better than honor?
      In ‘er!

  • deanbooth

    McCarthy sex scandal? So the world ends with a bang after all!

    • Callyson

      “Actually, it was more like a whimper.”

      – Renee Ellmers

      • Seek

        Cocktober Lite, back to Bakersfield. Now there’s a real punishment.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I read that Pelosi tweet as “I’m sure they’ll find somebody who is capable of accepting the horror”, which would have been much better.

    It’s been like a chamber of commerce meeting held by petulant paranoid cretins in the Mos Eisley cantina for the last few years, heading towards this, but it would be so, so richly satisfying if McCarthy telling the truth was the thing that finally tipped the balance and pitched them over the edge.

    My first two choices for speaker would be Gohmert and Hannity, because it still hasn’t gotten weird enough for me…

    • whatwhomever

      the horror…the horror…

    • nmmagyar

      Wasn’t JoScar in the House at some point? At least he would know some of the procedural stuff

      • Lefty Frizzell

        If you’re rooting for weirdness, the minimum standard of competence is a bar to get under, not over – against all the odds and expectations in a rational universe JoScar is overqualified.

        As such, it’s still a very strong field, but I stand by Gohmert or Hannity.

        • nmmagyar

          Wait!!! I just realized the is NO AGE REQUIREMENT!!!!!! Brisdull for Speaker!!!!

  • Marie Watkins Crocker

    Per my prognostications, the Republican Party is on schedule to schism into at least three separate parts before the convention next year. More entertaining than the soaps I definitely didn’t watch in the Eighties…

    • Randy Riddle

      If nothing else, the GOP convention this time around will be their Chicago ’68.

      • BigBoppa

        Except they won’t need any Chicago cop thugs to do the beat downs ’cause they’ll be killing each other.

        • willi0000000

          c’mon . . . every circus needs a sideshow.

          • Count Awesome

            Send in the clowns. Oh wait they were already voted in.

      • Angry_Cop

        I would bet the deed on my house that there will be a “no firearms allowed” policy at this one, and security and metal detectors to back it up.

    • Anarchy Pony

      The establishment, the teatards, and the godbotherers.

      • willi0000000

        pandering will look like a game of Twister

        [ like it doesn’t now ]

      • sw19womble

        Weirdest game of Marry Fuck Kill ever!!!!!

      • Redstart

        I had to look up godbotherers, although I shoulda figured it out. I don’t really have a problem with the ones who are applying Mark 6:8, the instruction seems to have come from the Master, unlike a lot of the misogynist crap they believe that came from people who never met Him. First thing my brother’s in-laws did was godbother my dad until he was rather pissed off. Later on I suggested forgiving them for doing their job, and things got a little chummier. Good thing, too, they started doing eldercare and took him as a client where he thrived way better than other situations we tried. So I say thanks, I’m all set, God bless you, and tuck the tracts into the recycling.

    • nmmagyar

      I’m so glad to finally meet someone else who has no idea who Luke, Laura or Erica Kane were

      • willi0000000

        who?

  • Lizzietish81

    Hunger Games style contest?

    • ArgieBargie

      May the olds be derp in your favor

    • MsAnthropesMr

      They all keel over from heart attacks at the starting bell, or buzzer, or however they do it in the book or movie as I haven’t seen either or any.

    • Boscoe

      Thunderdome.

      • Beezelbubbles

        But who’s Master and who’s Blaster?

        • Boscoe

          …and who in the GOP will appreciate the irony of him being defeated by a dog whistle??

          • nmmagyar

            All of us, Katie

        • Count Awesome

          Insert tasteless comment about Blaster being mentally retarded here…

        • elviouslyqueer

          Yes.

        • Anarchy Pony

          The 1% and the teatards, (not) respectively.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Charles and David aren’t saying.

        • Donald E Niman

          It’s the GOP: Blaster is out, Baiter is in.

      • BadKitty904

        Or Dunderdome – “One hack nominated, one hack leaves”…

      • MOG253

        Two men enter…, Never mind, they won’t be able to find two men.

      • Boscoe

        … Okay, since my fellow Wonkateer Mysties totally dropped the ball on my awesome setup, I guess I’ll have to post it myself…

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XEI_udV88i4

      • TheBidenator

        Thunderderp: two men enter, both men derp and one man leaves- though the strong shall survive.

      • mtn_philosoph

        We don’t need another zero.

    • whatwhomever

      circular firing squad.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        That would be Democrats, though.

    • JustPixelz

      I thought that’s what they’re already doing.

  • pcinsc

    Let’s give comedians some new material: Louie Gohmert for speaker!

    • Boscoe

      Yessssssssss…

    • BadKitty904

      I’ll warm up the calliope!

      • willi0000000

        i’ve got Yakety Sax on hot standby.

        • TheBidenator

          Isn’t that what plays when Louie enters a room?

          • willi0000000

            every damn time!

    • Gleem-McShinez

      His asparagus could use some aspirations!

      • SterWonk

        Aspersions, also too.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Dick Cheney said how great Kevin McCarthy was. I’m wondering why he didn’t suggest himself, like he did with Vice President?

    Must not be many opportunities to instigate no-bid overseas cleanup ops for Halliburton as Speaker.

  • BadKitty904

    Oh, Nancy, you bitch. BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!

    • nmmagyar

      That was world class sniping on her part

      • BadKitty904

        That had to be the high-point of her year, to date.

        • nmmagyar

          As much as I love her doing what she does, the last few months she’s in office are going to be the stuff of legends

  • Beezelbubbles

    So who are the limited sources talking a Rmoney becoming Speaker? It’s just Ann, isn’t it?

    • dslindc

      She has to do something to get him out of the house.

      • Randy Riddle

        Probably spends all day playing with the car elevator.

        • Callyson

          “If you had a choice between the car elevator and Mittens, you’d ride the former too!”

          – Ann

          • Cleo_Cat

            Rafalca libel!

        • FlownOver

          “Car elevator,” eh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    • Angry_Cop

      It is, in fact, just Ann, the angriest woman in the universe.

      • LesBontemps

        That’s only because of you people.

      • JohnBull

        Her?

        • Biff52

          It’s as Ann as the nose on Plain’s face.

  • JohnR

    FFS the RWNJs messed up their own circle jerk of unity.

    • Sgt. Gym Bunny

      Premature ejaculations???

      • nmmagyar

        A fair bit, the rest of them were Viagra let-downs

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Is there such a thing as circle bed-shitting?

      THERE IS NOW

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Speaker T-R-U-M-P Make Congress Great Again

  • Count Awesome

    Its official, the Republican presidential primary is no longer the clown car; the clown car is now the entire Republican party.

    • BigBoppa

      Whattya mean now? Where ya been?

  • BigBoppa

    Seems fitting that the rethugs 2nd choice would be Dingell now that they’ve lost their Boner. If that doesn’t work out, maybe they can recruit Shaft…shut yo mouth….hey, I’m just talkin’ ’bout Shaft.

    • ronn214

      No Dingell. Never! A Dingell stole my baby!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Better stop crying in cloakrooms, you little babies. Or we’ll send Planned Parenthood in there and harvest the lot of you!

  • whatwhomever

    Boner’s got some more cryin’ to do yet.

    • timpundit

      Actually I think those are tears of elation.

  • Flashman

    For the record, don’t cry over this because it’s a “banana republic.” A banana republic is a state controlled by a strongman lining his own pockets and those of his oligarchy, with an oversize military, an endangered middle class and minimal social services. The Repubs actually want one of those.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Speaker Palin

    • nmmagyar

      Nope – no one in power like her, they just use her now and then

    • BigBoppa
      • cousin itt

        Village Idiot libel.

      • dslindc

        But then we end up with the Silly/Very Silly schism and . . . oh wait, nevermind. We have that already.

    • Cleo_Cat

      Oxymoron.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        She’s on Oxy?

        • nmmagyar

          Was there ever any doubt?

    • Vienna Woods

      But what a come-down for her, when she thought she was goin’ to get to run the Senate.

  • Given that right now NATO is freaking out because Russia accidentally bombed Iran (WTF?????), anything that keeps these fuckers distracted for as long as possible is welcome.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Two words: Mr. Speaker

    • timpundit

      I am already on the Marceaux Wagon. No traffic stop nazis!!1!

      • FlownOver

        That’s Basil Marceaux dot com, if you please.

    • gratuitous

      Lee L. Mercer, Jr. No Lee, no peace!

  • JohnR

    Maybe McCarthy saw Rachel Maddow’s mash up of his speechifying and realizinged he was unqualificationed.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He was obvinoustly not up to representizing his constitutionuents.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        He must have taken Dubya’s English refresher course for politishins.

        • FlownOver

          With private tutoring by Grifterella.

  • calliecallie

    If they made this shit up for a movie, no one would find it believable.

    • Seek

      It appears to be a real time sequel to Idiocracy.

      I hope.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …the “The Great DERP Schism”!!!

  • OneYieldRegular

    McCarthy in phone intv; asked if House is governable? “I don’t know. Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom.”

    James Baldwin: “You can always fall further.”

  • WiscoJoe

    Banana Republicans

    • BadKitty904

      Well played, sir or mam!

      • WiscoJoe

        At this point, the jokes write themselves.

        • BadKitty904

          When not busy running for the Speakership…

  • jesuswasablack

    “Dudes! There’s no crying in the cloakroom! ”

    Yeah that’s only allowed in the Speakers Chamber!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Does anyone else hear the Benny Hill music?

  • TheBidenator

    I believe the house bylaws state that if they cannot name a speaker the job goes to the village idiot. But since I don’t see him around I say they make Sarah Palin the next speaker- her time has come.

    • BigBoppa

      The job is Speaker of the House. Not Salad Shooter.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      They don’t need any more quitters, though.

    • nmmagyar

      He lives in Dallas now, took up painting self-nudes. I don’t know which of those two idiots I’d prefer

      • Redstart

        I was gonna say in Crawford, clearing brush, but I yield to those who actually keep up with such things.

        • Biff52

          That was just a prop ranch, outlived it’s usefulness.

    • Randy Riddle

      There’s always !Jeb!.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Maybe this all Boehner’s master play: “Jesus! All right, you assholes. I’ll stay. But no more bullshit from a one of you.”

    • Angry_Cop

      I seriously think Boehner wanted to GTFO as quickly as possible. I don’t see him coming back.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        He’s got a date with Jack Daniels and it’s a long, long date in a place far, far away.

    • nmmagyar

      I don’t think he’s smart enough for a play that deep.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Reap what you sow, obstructionist, hate-filled assholes! Bwahahaha!

    • BadKitty904

      The sky was black with chickens coming home to roost…

      • willi0000000

        OH, SHIT! . . . THOSE AREN’T CHICKENS!

        [ who knew pigs could fly? ]

        • Biff52

          DON’T LOOK UP!

          Too late…

  • elviouslyqueer

    Just gonna leave this here…

    http://cdn.meme.am/instances/400x/57722872.jpg

  • memzilla

    Uh oh. Seems that Ted Cruz’s (R-Punchable) parents may have both been Canadian citizens at the time of his birth. Which would make Ted ineligible to be Speaker, and have to resign his Senate seat. Who wants cheese on their popcorn?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Wow. Delightful if true!

    • marxalot

      Guys, I think I just schad’ my freude.

      • Redstart

        More ding-dings!

    • BigBoppa

      Oh my Dog. I may have to rethink this whole atheism thingy.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I am SO HARD right now.

    • Toomush_Infer

      He’ll be changing his name to Ted Crud…

    • Thaumaturgist

      Hold your breath. Both Canada and the US recognize “joint citizenship”. Even if his mother became a Canadian citizen before Ted’s birth, she would have remained an American citizen unless she renounced her American citizenship. Don’t see what she’d do that.

      • nmmagyar

        IIRC, the US doesn’t really recognize dual-citizenship with any nation other than the 51st State of Israel

        • Thaumaturgist

          US recognizes joint citizenship with The Republic of Ireland. Don’t know why the US wouldn’t recognize joint citizenship with Canada.

          • Tansy Geek

            Just to be dickish.

      • sw19womble

        Indeed, At best these sorts of situations are very fluid and down to interpretation. So, being a Republican, Cruz won’t be put under the same sort of spotlight as Obama was.

        • Beaumarchais?

          Except that there’s a substantial legal opinion that “natural-born” means born here in the USA. His eligibility to be president is not settled.

    • marxalot

      Okay, I’ll say it:
      I guess they really do come here and steal our jobs!

    • Logic of Color

      “Too late he’s yours now eh?!”

      –Canada

      • Querolous

        TEX 5 TOR 3, so there!

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Wait… maybe there IS a God? Gonna have to crack open a cold one and rethink this whole religion thing.
      Holey buckets, this day just keeps getting better.

      ETA: Hey Big Boppa! *waves down-thread*

    • mtn_philosoph

      That same article says that neither Jindal or Rubio are eligible to run for President due to foreign birth. Which is bullshit; they were both born in the US. Bobby Jindal was born in Baton Rouge, LA and Marco Rubio was born in Miami, FL. So that article has some accuracy and credibility problems.

  • Angry_Cop

    Paul Ryan at least has the brains to stay seated far, far away from this shit-flinging showdown. Which is more than I gave him credit for, good for him.

  • marxalot

    Hear it! Hear the lamentation! The lamentation of… the wingnuts!

    • willi0000000

      sounds like a pen full of turkeys to me.

  • NotMamaCass

    “Or maybe the entire Republican Party should just wipe their snot from their tear-stained faces and admit they are absolutely terrible at this and put the gavel back in the hands of the Democrats, where it belongs.” Dare to dream.

    • sosuume

      Don’t dream. Vote.

      • Logic of Color

        I clicked your upfist button a bunch of times but all it did was piss off Disqus

      • NotMamaCass

        Wow, it never crossed my mind to vote. Thanks.

    • marxalot

      Oh, honey!

  • Thaumaturgist

    Teagan Goddard says McCarthy didn’t share with Boehner til the start of the caucus meeting. Boehner hit with a stop loss order. Sorry, can’t seem to paste the link.

  • azeyote

    they act like they’re 4 yrs. old running for speaker of the preschool

    • elviouslyqueer

      You misspelled 2-year-olds.

    • Count Awesome

      More like president of nap time because nothing gets done.

    • Logic of Color

      I’d like to call a short recess

  • goonemeritus

    The Republicans need to take a page from the Catholic Church.
    When consensus couldn’t be reached on elevating a Cardinal to Pontiff they
    would elect someone who was sure to die in a few months.

    • Angry_Cop

      Or they’d just poison him, like John Paul I.

    • TheBidenator

      They already went that route given Boehner’s lifestyle they figured either cirrhosis would take him out or lung cancer would do the trick or skin cancer, possibly melanoma but he stubbornly refused to die AND Walnuts! is in the Senate.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Voting for the very first Republican Speaker, Nathaniel Banks, lasted from December 3, 1855 to February 6, 1856. Banks wasn’t elected until the 133rd ballot.

      The second Republican to hold the office, William Pennington, was elected as Speaker at the start of his very first (and only) term as a US Congressman.

  • I would give everything I own to be a fly on the wall of that cloakroom!!!! LOL Pass the schadenfreude, eh? Let’s have a toast to the Grand Old Party!!

    • timpundit

      Be careful what you wish for. . Gomert’s been know to flick a fly off the wall with his tongue so fast you can barely see it happening.

  • Joshua Norton

    The press interviews one of the few qualified candidates who haven’t said “no” yet:

    • Shibusa

      Apropos, since the TP tail is wagging the GOP dog.

  • Cry not for Kevin McCarthy (R – Fresneck/Bakerscesspool). He’s back to hiding his incompetence in plain view while wiping away his tears with the millions in big ag cash. Meanwhile, the temporary Josh Chapstick (R – FUCK UTAH) is temporarily ascendent and temporarily in WAY over his pointy, dippity-doo-glistening head.

    We should thank Rachel Maddow, who has been spotlighting McCarthy’s clumsy bullshit for the last couple weeks. Chapstick will get his next.

    • Steely_Fan

      McCarthy could literally not form a coherent sentence. Rachel really had a lot of fun with him. And Chafe-its, in his thrilling (NOT!) conclusion to his ad hominem attack on Cecile Richards, put up a chart that was a.) totally misleading in terms of the information it purported to convey, and b.) was made by a pro-life group “Americans United for Life” whose attribution was printed RIGHT ON THE CHART! http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/oct/01/jason-chaffetz/chart-shown-planned-parenthood-hearing-misleading-/

      • Redstart

        I’m actually a little concerned about McCarthy. I think he should get an MRI, he seemed to be struggling. But maybe he was normal for him, or perhaps only petrified with fear of public speaking. Any clinicians out there care to opine?

  • sw19womble

    I’m just going to leave this here…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k5ba1OKY7Xc

    • coozledad

      I was just thinking they need a guy who’s willing to torch a 50 pound note in front of a homeless person.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Daryl Issa!

        • LarkintheAM

          Well, he’s really the Lower Class Twit of the Year.

          • Seek

            No Class Twit of the Year

  • Toomush_Infer

    Why do they need a Speaker, after all? Just give the job to Boner’s Hammer….or meet my little friend, Sledge…they could all take turns banging the hell out of the speaker’s podium…it’s what they’re gonna do, anyway…

    • RoyalUglyDude

      I know, right? It’s not like they’re going to “legislate” or anything.

  • sosuume

    Charlie Rangel – really knows how to handle them “Young Guns.”

  • coozledad

    McCarthy: “Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom.”

    So that’s why they call Renee Ellmers “Granite Ass.”

  • Jeff Mc Donald

    It’s…it’s…it’s like no one wants the job, who is acceptable to people who don’t want the job. These guys are all on the same team, right? Fuck, just flip for it!

    • Hardly Ideal

      Lewis Black had an idea for electing a President that would work just as well for the Speaker.

      -First, you have a game show. The winner of that show is immediately blindfolded and made to throw a dart at a big map of the United States.
      -Second, a monkey is taken by airplane to the point on the map where the dart hit and made to parachute jump somewhere over that area.
      -Thrid, he lands and starts wandering around, and whoever’s hand he holds first will be elected.

      …what, do you have a better idea?

  • OneYieldRegular

    It’s difficult and trying times like these when we all need to take a deep breath, consider the fate of the country, and pull together to remind Republicans of how godawful they’ve been.

  • TheBidenator

    I imagine all the Republicans right now are running around, bumping into each other and in a frenzy shouting “FER GOD’S SAKE SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT TO THINK AND BELIEVE!” and it makes me smile.

    • Putty

      Or the SNL skit with Will Ferrell, when the telepromter quit during a local morning show broadcast. “For the love of God, bring back the words!”

  • clever_sobriquet

    Paging Ms Pelosi, paging Ms Pelosi. Ms Pelosi to the red discourtesy phone please

  • diogenez

    When they ran for elected office, no one told them they would have to GOVERN.

    • Antimassacree

      This is in large part due to Limbaugh (and his subsequent imitators) who has been viewing government as a constant political batle/game for many years. No interest in governing, just perpetual politics focused on winning the next election. Now they are like the dog who caught the car it was chasing. Utterly confused.

      • diogenez

        I blame Reagan, who told these idiots that government IS the problem – and that is the only lesson they have learned.

        • Redstart

          That was the whole point. Get into the Government clockwork and grind the gears to a halt.

          • diogenez

            yup. Just ask that asshole Grover Norquist.

  • Congressin’ is HARD.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Funny how sending people to the moon is easier than getting Congress to agree on what color the sky is.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Geez. Who’s gonna shut down the government, now???….

  • jviscont1

    when Charlie Rangel trolls you, game over.

    • BadKitty904

      It’s like being dissed by Abe Simpson…

  • btwbfdimho

    After being afraid of everything & everybody looking
    “different”, the Party of Me, Me, Me & Mine, Mine, Mine is now afraid of itself. You don’t want to be on they way of a herd of Banana Republicans in panic mode! It’s that old saying: “when everybody is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking”.

  • BadKitty904

    Presumably this is Cruz’ cue to seize power, a la Robespierre, and institute a Reign of Terror…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Not sure if that would be better, or worse, than the current Reign of Error.

  • Antimassacree

    At this point the GOP reminds of the phrase “Couldn’t fall out of a boat and hit the water.”

  • TheBidenator

    I dunno, they could always go with Joseph Kony if he’s still alive, I mean he’s got all the right stuff: token hire so the GOP can say they aren’t racist, neener neener. He’s totally free market as any meat is up for sale including human. He’s also willing to make the hard decisions by using children as soldiers/mine sweepers/miners. He’s tough, very right wing, very religious as a Christian, tested and ready

    • Squirrel_t_robot

      Gotta make the tough calls; who be the front sweepers: the 5 or 6 year olds?

      Stuff like that.

      Republicans respect that sort of thing, apparently.

      • TheBidenator

        Hey he’s just doing what the GOP says should be done and letting those little moochers learn the value of a days work like what happened before Communist liberal agitators came in with their pussy ‘labor laws’ and ‘compulsory education’. Joseph Kony knows a man only needs to learn how to read one book in life: the bible and if he can’t read it, then someone can read it to him.

        Draft Joseph Kony, he’s the right leader for the Republican Party right now!

    • Shibusa

      Maybe Darth Cheney can extraordinary rendition Kony out of Uganda.

  • Joshua Norton

    You just know these whack jobs just waiting to find out which speaker candidate will bring about the end times soonest.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Nancy Pelosi never cried in anyone’s cloakroom.

    A simple point.

    • nmmagyar

      And she made plenty of others do it, so she gets my vote

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      She was too busy passing the stimulus, affordable care act, and a laundry list of other items while keeping Congress’ approval rating at historic highs.

    • orygoon

      I had the teevee on when she took the oath of office, and it caught me totally be surprise, but suddenly I was in taps-wide-open waterworks. Because A Woman was the Speaker of the House! And while I didn’t agree with every single thing she said and did, she was damn good.

      • Msmlg1979

        Right! When I heard the words MADAM Speaker, I was blubbering. Also cried when Bamz was elected the first time. If Hillary wins, I’m gonna ugly cry!

  • willi0000000

    please, republicans, don’t nominate me . . . i promised to spend more time with my rock collection.*

    * i only have one so far but i have great hopes.

  • btwbfdimho

    tp

  • cousin itt

    Matrix Cat sez,

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Sounds like a bunch of right wingers are avoiding hard work.

  • Thurman Munster IV

    Sorry if this is sideways. And speaking of Sideways I’m going have some Pinot to celebrate

    • Logic of Color

      If anyone orders a fucking merlot I’m outta here

      • Squirrel_t_robot

        Boehner is drinking it all.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          He strikes me as more a Thunderbird man.

    • Playonwords

      Krug … it has to be Krug

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    Can we the people put Pelosi back in charge, already? She kicked ass.

    We already had a sobbing orange man with a weakness for nicotine and merlot, and it didn’t work out.
    Now no Rightie wants the job?

    Pelosi, step back up!

  • Skwerl King

    I’ve already heard the call for John Kline (R-Whodat?) to step in as he is retiring and no longer gives a fuck.

    • What’s Michelle Bachman doing these days?

      • 24601

        Holy Batshit, Batman. Don’t give them any ideas…

        • Heh. And I was so hoping the first reply would have been, “Not her husband…” lol

          • 24601

            Ha! She definitely didn’t leave Congress to spend more time with Big Gay Marcus. I mean, you can only shop so much. He wears her out. Shopping, I mean.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Speling her name totaly difrentlly, I guess?

        or, TWO L-LIBEL!!1

        • Takoma DC

          It’s weird that gop females w/ that name use 1 “L” and dems almost always 2.

          • sw19womble

            Malkin libel!!!!

          • x40sw0n

            I’m pretty sure that’s because Dem’s are literate and use the actual spelling, since you know, English.

          • Takoma DC

            Well French really but yeah.

        • Redstart

          But the German two-n Bachmann . .

  • 24601

    Just make Rush Limbaugh the Speaker. You know you want to.

  • Well, you’ve got maybe 20% of the GOP caucus that just wants to give their sugar daddies a tax cut like the good little rentboys they are, you’ve got at least 50% of the caucus that wants to dissolve the United States government and go back to the Confederacy because freedumb! and you’ve got 30% that would like to make the Mosaic Law the law of the land above the Constitution because Jesus!

    I’d turn the job down too.

    • bluicebank

      Where’s the Manchurian Candidate when you most need him?

  • 24601

    The GOP is really just crying in the cloakroom because despite their best efforts they’ve made Obama a three term president.

  • Bad Granny

    “Have fun, fuckers.” John Boehner probably

  • Takoma DC

    Why not one of the Koch Bros. or Wayne LaPierre as House Speaker?

    It doesn’t have to be a congressman. Doesn’t even have to be a politician.

    AND if they chose a Koch or LaPierre it will lend authenticity and truth to the speakership.

    • sw19womble

      Why does it have to be a human? Corporate persons are people too!

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Give The Chicken the job. Lord knows it’s there all the time anyway.

        • Takoma DC

          The chicken is sacrificed on the Granite Alter of the Legislative Branch above a fire made from ash and American elm logs. When then doesn’t pan out they sacrifice a turkey or vulture. Which usually works like a charm.

          • nmmagyar

            When do they fuck the chicken – before of after the sacrifice?

          • Dudleydidwrong

            AOT, K

          • LarkintheAM

            pssssst Did you mean altar?

          • Biff52

            Too bad Log Lady just died, she’d have been perfect!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Is there any requirement that the Speaker be alive? Boehner has been as good as embalmed for years and it didn’t affect his ability to do whatever the fuck he was doing. Bring back Nicholas Longworth!

      • Takoma DC

        Or Romney-bot. I think he’d love being Speaker.

        (Plus he can get away from Anne for a bit.)

      • Takoma DC

        Were talking gop candidates. No humans in the entire bunch.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Speaker Exxon-Mobil could the first corporate-American to become President.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Does it have to be an America? Because Fox News and the wingnuts sure do like that Putin fella.

      • Takoma DC

        Good question.

      • Bill Slider

        Good point. The Speaker is in line to serve as President of the US in the event neither Pres nor Vice Pres can serve. But, said person would also have to meet Constitutional requirements to be Pres in order to become Pres. So, if Speaker were non American citizen, and I am not sure as would need to check Constitution, ,your side, would be throwing away one of the advantages to electing the Speaker if they could never become President.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Could they choose Boehner’s monkey?

    • Redstart

      Tom Brady because he will lead the Patriots to victory once again!!

      • jviscont1

        and cure the nation of inflation.

        • Redstart

          No evidence! Vicious lies! Everybody does it! Yer jest jealous!

  • RoyalUglyDude

    House on fire… put it out…

    • The Wanderer

      Touch the Monkey!

    • DemmeFatale

      Leib meine abschmonkey!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Sorry. This is the one circumstance under which I have already pledged that I would not piss on the House GOP.

  • cousin itt

    Dear Congressional Record, I never thought that this would happen to me but there was it was, Lady Liberty’s dark house chamber and then a wooden hammer was inserted lovingly up my brown eye while my hands were bound behind my back.

  • Takoma DC

    Someone just gotta’ house dropped on’em. Happy Halloween weanies!

    • Redstart

      Ding, ding, ding!

  • Bren

    Speaker Gohmert pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.

  • Blackest Noobs

    Speaker Romney? nah….dude is brushing his white horse to be at the ready when he saves the GOP from all the nimpcompoops currently running for President and is the GOP’s candidate for President who will lose to Joe Biden…our next Diamond Joe President of these here United States of America.

    hell…it could happen, the Cubs are in the playoffs, so anything could happen, even dreams made true.

  • elpinche

    Speaker Deez Nutz!

    • Bill Slider

      I see that you are paying attention.

  • sosuume

    Oh boo hoo hoo hoo. Elect nihilists and look what happens. Cryin’ in the Cloakroom… wasn’t that a song from the 70s?

    • cmd

      Smokin’ in the boys’ room?

      • sosuume

        Yah. Dats it!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Given that the fucknut who will eventually be chosen is 2nd in line, I just hope and pray that the Secret Service triples up on the protection of Obama and Biden.

  • chicken thief

    Why don’t they just have a single elimination Rock, Paper, Scissors battle? Two out of three and winner moves to the next bracket?

    • Doug Langley

      How do you think they got Boehner?

      • nmmagyar

        He was the last man standing in a quarters game

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Viagra?

  • 24601
  • chicken thief

    OT, but any mention of a Tom Cruise sighting in the ‘cloakroom’?

    • 24601

      Mission Unpossible?

  • 24601

    Let’s face it. Nobody wants to pay the dry cleaning bills to have all that Cheeto dust laundered out of Boehner’s office furniture.

  • I nominate TN’s lil’ dumpling MARSHA BLACKBURN.
    She says The Crazy but always smiles politely while doing so.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      I’ve got outside munnies on her too. Extreme enough and you ‘know’ how easy chicks are to manipulate. And think of the girlfights between her and Nancy. Rowrrrr!

    • Bless her heart.

  • whitroth

    I’ve got it: the new face of the Republican Party, the one that perfectly exemplifies what they are and stand for: the Joker.

    mark “ok, America, do you feel lucky?”

  • cousin itt
    • cmd

      Now there’s a song I don’t mind having stuck in my head.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Wait wait waiiiiit.

    Just the other day we read about Ewick Ewickson gathering up his ginger trucknuts and leaving RedState…

    • Takoma DC

      Oh wow! EE wants to be GOP SpEEker!

  • Mavenmaven

    No one wants to be “shepherd of the howler monkeys”?

  • Joshua Norton

    Uh oh.

    Boehner left the mtg. today, met with aides & inner circle, and said "It has to be Ryan" to end the GOP strife, per sources— Robert Costa (@costareports) October 8, 2015

  • btwbfdimho

    The weeping is because they can’t open-carry their firearms in the House.

    • eddi

      That would solve the issue alright.

  • btwbfdimho

    Romney declined, quoting his mother: “you can take Rafalca to the Olympics, but you can’t force him to drink Bud Lite”.

  • Joshua Norton

    Perhaps a Gohmert coronation is closer than we think?

    CLOSED HOUSE GOP MTG TOMORROW. 9a— Jake Sherman (@JakeSherman) October 8, 2015

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Is it wrong to hope that the meeting will involve buckets of Flavor Aid, a passing comet, and 247 pairs of white sneakers? With votes, of course.

      • cynmac

        Jim Jones Libelz!111!!

        • eddi

          Heaven’s Gate.

          • cynmac

            Ah, it’s hard to keep up with the Cali Fruits and Nuts, when you live in Georgia and have so many here!

  • MrBlobfish

    One word: Swimsuit Competition

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Well that’s two words, but who’s counting.

      • Playonwords

        Republican Math.

      • LarkintheAM

        He’s a heavy tipper.

        • Anarchy Pony

          NO! Not even the tip!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      So, Ellmers is a frontrunner again.

      • nmmagyar

        Ryan has the best body

    • LarkintheAM

      NO!

  • Steverino247

    Considering that the GOP believes “Government can’t help you” it comes as no surprise the GOP has no ability to govern.

    • bluicebank

      Yeah, but you have to hand it to them for taking their bullshit ideology and applying it to themselves.

      “Nihilists. Fuck me. Say what you will about the tenets of national socialism, but at least it’s an ethos.”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_29yvYpf4w

  • Joshua Norton

    And now the politicos are determined to make the race horsier (more horsey?)!

    October 8, 2015

    • Beaumarchais?

      I wonder how many that is. It’s an off-year, he has a safe seat—how many fundraisers does he have on a Friday and Saturday going into Columbus Day weekend? A dozen? These people definitely live strange lives.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    What about that story Maddow closed with last night about the teabag rep named Walter who sent a letter to everybody in the House suggesting anybody running for a leadership position reconsider if they had any skeletons in their closets? I didn’t think much of it at the time bu right now it has an air of prescience to it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That no-skeletons rule means that, uh, nobody can run.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Skeleton-fuckinsg is the worst.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Walter Jones is from NC. One of Renee Elmers’ neighbor’s. For my money, Cindy Gamrat is hotter.

    • Ima Witstup

      Why they hide their bodies under my garage?

    • Angry_Cop

      Reps. Elmers and McCarthy may have had a “thing” going on. They hit RedState with a C&D this morning to pull a story saying so, which I think RedState has complied with.

      Please bear in mind that the main source for this rumor seems to be our second favorite bullshit artist of all time, Chuck C. “Banned 4 Lyfe Yo” Johnson.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        How obnoxious do you have to be to get permanently banned from Twitter?LMFAO

  • Notreelyhelping

    Any lizard people out there available?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    OT: As you may have noticed, the world did not end yesterday. I could have predicted this if I had only known that today is National Pierogi Day. God couldn’t very well destroy the world just before National Pierogi Day. So eat a pierogi with someone you love or all alone, what the fuck do I care? (Incidentally, the one and only time I had pierogis, they were the heaviest food I ever ate. After two of them, I could hardly stand up.)

    • nmmagyar

      Eastern Europeans don’t fuck around with food.

      • Msgr_Moment

        helyes.

    • LarkintheAM

      Ultrathick pasta wrapped around cheesy mashed potatoes and sauteed with butter and caramelized onions – each serving landing in your stomach with the approximate density of a teaspoon of neutron star. I live in pierogi-land and you can get them here filled with all kinds of fillings – even sweet ones. But I’ve never had any yet that didn’t leave me feeling like napping for a week.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Nuh-uh: ultra-curd cottage cheese and onions, thin, teeth-edged flat dough, boiled and fried in butter…the only way… also: the world did end – all six Christians were Raptured….

        • Dudleydidwrong

          Did you mean “Ruptured”?

          • Gleem-McShinez

            Legitimately Rape-tured?

        • Msgr_Moment

          There were only six of us? No wonder this party sucks goat balls!

        • LarkintheAM

          Never had the cottage cheese ones. I’ve had them stuffed with farmer cheese, mushrooms, ground beef and carrots, sauerkraut, beets, even sweet cheese and fruit (bilberries, sour cherries). Next time the Pierogi Fest happens, I’ll look for them. :-)

        • Redstart

          Thank dog! About the Rapture I mean. A shitload of people will be disappointed their Behinds were Left.

      • Zyxomma

        Good ones may be like that, but GREAT ones are made with really thin dough. One of the organic restaurants near home makes them with spelt flour and serves them on a bed of greens with cashew “sour cream.” Yum. Unfortunately, they don’t make my favorite flavor (sauerkraut & mushroom) so I eat them hardly ever.

    • Thaumaturgist

      The world may not have ended yesterday but this thread is about the House GOP caucus smitherineing itself today. Believe. All yee who entered there. And despair.

      • eddi

        Their world is ending. Not fast enough, but the downhill slide is accelerating.

    • Vienna Woods

      Dammit. That’s what I should have bought to have along with the broiled chicken, and to hell with the diet!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Speaker Cruz to the rescue, duh.

  • Playonwords

    Playing devils advocate about McCarthy. What that sounds like to my uneducated ear as a speech aphasia. Does anyone know if he has shown communication problems like this before? If he has been an effective communicator before this time then a sudden onset would indicate some serious underlying problems.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      He had a speech therapist as a child.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Chopped into pieces and grileld for lunch? Because no other explanation accounts for his continuing problems.

    • Takoma DC

      He doesn’t understand basic subject-verb agreement. He uses words incorrectly. I do not see how he could have graduated from an accredited university. Nor how he could be a member of Congress. If he were a democrat and black, Latino, or an immigrant they’d be attacking him.

      He has staffers. WTF are they doing?

      • idiotboy

        Hey, you are describing me. WTF

        • Takoma DC

          I is?

    • bluicebank

      Except he was smart enough to not walk into that corral at Tombstone.

    • Redstart

      My thought too. MRI indicated? Or simple fear of public speaking? I know I’d forget how to talk in his shoes. (Not a well-built sentence, but I’ll leave it as is because it amuses me.)

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Geez guys, how long does it take Sheldon Adelson to pick a new speaker anyway?

    • LarkintheAM

      He’s arguing back and forth with the Kochs and Peter Thiel. When they get it squared away between them they’ll tell their human footstools what it is they should be doing.

      • Takoma DC

        I heard Fiorina is in the “know.” Besides she’s the only one who had dried witch’s tit and freshly ground man root.

        • Redstart

          Fiorina for squeaker! (Hey, I just found a rhyming dictionary on teh Web! TILT!)

  • User_0

    and folks, on behalf of every Immovable Object, I’d also just
    like to say thanks to The Irresistible Force and welcome every
    as tempting as less rigorous basic operating principle.

  • DahBoner

    Hey! This guy has the required skills for the job…

    https://media3.giphy.com/media/1nDm900wgGU1O/200w_d.gif

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well he is a wanking Republican.

      • Redstart

        Oh? I thought he was committing seppuku.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          For Santorum, you have to spell it seppooku.

  • Msmlg1979

    This article is the best thing that happened to me all day. I need Friday and a fifth of GOP cloakroom tears.

    • cynmac

      • Msmlg1979

        Haha! To mix or shoot, that is the question?!

  • John McLaughlin

    Thankless job being Speaker of the House when you represent tons of nonsense. #Weak

  • Thaumaturgist

    Only way to resolve this: Paul Ryan takes the hard way out so John Boehner can take the easy way out.

  • VandeGraf

    All Hail the Madness Hatters of the Congressional Freakdom Coccyx. Long may their members wave.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Meanwhile, like Napoleon, Daryl Issa waits as his lessers destroy themselves, and then tells the Tea Party, “If you want to burn down Washington, I know a guy who knows a guy.”

  • bobbert

    I’m pretty afraid it’s gonna be Ryan. On the other hand, I believe that at least tradition (and maybe House rules) would force him to give up his chairmanships.

    • Redstart

      When did tradition OR rules get in their way? They make it up as they go along. Shoot from the hip, Make a knee-jerk decision. That’s what leaders do! But I remind you, Grasshopper, a wise person once said. “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.”

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Wasn’t that the Sphinx?

        • Steely_Fan

          “He who questions t̶r̶a̶i̶n̶i̶n̶g̶ only trains himself at asking questions.”

          • bobbert

            Congressmen lie.
            Cast iron sinks.
            Therefore, Congressmen lie in cast iron sinks.

  • Joshua Norton

    Hey everybody. Newt’s up for it! Because why the hell not?

    • Me not sure

      HAH!!! Wife had a chance to run him down a few years ago as he was crossing the street in Marietta,GA. I told her not to. I’m so sorry.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I guess he misses the good ol’ under-the-desk blowjobs from future wives.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Also too. The source is Daily Caller. The story is that DHS is investigating to determine if it was one of their employees who edited Renee Elmers’ Wiki page yesterday to carry a tale about a “rumored” affair with Kevin McCarthy. http://dailycaller.com/2015/10/08/did-someone-at-dhs-edit-the-wikipedia-pages-of-kevin-mccarthy-and-renee-ellmers/

    • berkeleyfarm

      welly, well, well, well.

  • beatbort

    I want to know more about why McCarthy declined the job he was hankering for. This ought to be good. I’m guessing it involved underage girls and a hot air balloon.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      He’s a conservative Republican. It probably involves boys.

      • BehaveYrself

        I’m predicting a wide stance…

    • Wombat

      Worse, it was Renee Ellmers, apparently.

  • ViveLaRes

    Cloakrooms are still a thing?

    • TootsStansbury

      Sure. So are the blockheads where they keep their wigs. The blockheads are smarter of course.

  • bumfug

    Jason Chaffetz is really pushing for the job now – after amping up the pressure on McCarthy a couple of days ago by saying “we need a Speaker who speaks, today he added “and also a Majority Whip who whips because that’s how they got things done before the Civil War fucked things up for Southern job creators!”

    • HeywoodJablomey

      I don’t think that’s going to happen- he’s not one of the popular kids. Latent case of Cruz syndrome.

    • MrCanoehead

      We replaced their Majority Whip with Miracle Whip. Let’s see who notices…

  • LarkintheAM

    This just in – TOP SEEKRIT footage of the House Republicans trying to compromise on a candidate for speaker:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lQcKiFy_DM

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      That one chimp is obviously keeping up with his P90X.

      • LarkintheAM

        Guess that must be Ryan.

    • sw19womble

      Needz moar shit-flinging

    • thenearesthippie

      Where’s the monolith?

      • eddi

        Gave up and went home.

    • The one with the stick is Daryl Issa, right?

    • Jenny

      And the crowd is eating it up.

  • blaid droog

    I am an atheist. Not your common garden variety tolerant of the idiotic belief system of others with a live and let live attitude. I am a rabid intolerant crush the fucking tax exempt backward horseshit ideologies foisted on those of us not stupid enough to wallow in the self degradation of some goddamned mythical sky creature reputedly responsible for creating the universe and everything therein. Now that I got that out of the way, the shit storm raining down on the party of satan is almost enough to make me believe in a god and a devil too. The clincher for me to really believe would necessitate hitlery dropping out and Bernie becoming the demo nominee.

    • bluicebank

      Allow me to retort, err, double down. As a believer in our absentee Programming Overlords of this impressive simulated universe.

      Until know I guffawed at the fundies notion of God striking vis-a-vis weather for sins, but as more and more evidence arose that such retributive Mother Nature acts fell on Conservative parts of Go USA, I began to doubt my doubts.

      Perhaps the Programming Overlords have allowed Junior play with the deus-ex-machina, and he’s starting to get some mad skillz.

  • Cismontane

    Mark Sanford for speaker? Appalachian Trail is still in the House isn’t he? Since it’s a given they’ll ultimate select some incompetent Dixiebagger for the role, they might as well go for somebody with some color….

  • Msgr_Moment

    A true Festivus miracle!

  • Joshua Norton

    King George’sJohn Bohner’s song from the new B’way musical “Hamilton”:

    What comes next?
    You’ve been freed.
    Do you know how hard it is to lead?

    You’re on your own.
    Awesome.
    Wow.
    Do you have a clue what happens now?

    Oceans rise.
    Empires fall.
    It’s much harder when it’s all your call.
    All alone, across the sea.
    When your people say they hate you, don’t come crawling back to me.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Much strike out, but I like it

      • Joshua Norton

        fixed!

  • Cismontane

    Here’s a place for the Republicans to go as they launch their search for a speaker… Esquire Magazine’s iconic June article on the 10 Worst Members of Congress: http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/g660/worst-members-of-congress-1110/

    • that is about 4 years out of date

      • Cismontane

        My point is that Louie Gohmert is still there, still batshit insane and ready and willing presumably to do the job!

      • cynmac

        Half of them are still there. Most got the boot or quit in 2013.

      • Redstart

        Doesn’t matter if they’re still above ground.

  • bluicebank

    Gotta go full Ross Perot here:

    That sucking sound you here is the wheels coming off the clown car.

  • Snopes Shop

    Cell phone footage of the cloak room please, PLEASE

    • Joshua Norton

    • Dee Andee

      ok

      • Dee Andee

        And…

  • alnnc

    I don’t have my reading glasses on. Did Pelosi say they will find someone capable of accepting the honor or someone capable of accepting the horror?

    Also, I understand that anyone can run for speaker, even if not a member of Congress. Why are we not seeing news about Wonkette being in the race?

    • TootsStansbury

      Speaker Wonkette Babby. I like it.

  • Joshua Norton

    At first glance I would have said that this was Boehner’s strategy to stay speaker for the rest of his term and prove nobody else could do the job. But he can’t really do it either.

    • eddi

      He sounds serious about dumping the mess in the Tea Party’s and getting on with drinking himself into a coma.

      • cynmac

        I dunno. Boehner can make in onto some corporate boards and continue to be incompetent. Isn’t that what iCarly did?

        • eddi

          Being comatose and being on a Board of Directors are not mutually exclusive. See Dilbert.

        • LarkintheAM

          Sure, but then he’ll only be fucking up a company or two, not the whole freaking nation.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Just imagine what it must be like to be in charge of the House Republicans.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYqumNPfFDg

    • handyhippie65

      OMFG!!!11!!! that shit was funny as hell!

  • if you want to monkerwrench this yourself, tweet that you want @MickMulvaney, chair of the House Freedom Caucus, to become the Speaker
    http://bit.ly/1hteyEQ

  • eddi

    The Party of Pants-Filling Panic.

  • MrBlobfish

    If only Obama would compromise with the Congress.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Yeah, remember when Obama shut down the country last time? Some stooge, forget his name, asserted that on Chris Hayes’ show tonight and didn’t even try keep the SEG off his face.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I’m surprised someone didn’t suggest Nancy Pelosi. She’s got experience at the job, and, when she had the gavel, she didn’t fuck it up too much.

    • tinker12

      Plus her approval rating was in double digits and she got sh!t done. Good sh!t.

  • orygoon

    Oh, crap, I forgot about Jeb Hensarling. I went to school with that mouth-breather. As far as I could tell, the inside of his head was utterly vacant. I thought he would be a pig farmer. Wait–come to think of it, he’s a damn pig farmer in a suit.

    • Actually, he’s a *pig* in a suit.

      • Dee Andee

        And not a silk purse in sight.

      • berkeleyfarm

        Don’t tell David Cameron.

    • handyhippie65

      hey now, not all pig farmers are dickheads. my dad was pretty cool, and a UAW member.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Hmmm, interesting. He’s on my radar too, because he’s a perfect Tea Party dick, and allegedly liked well enough. But supposedly he told chicken thief’s main man Louie Gee he was going to give it a pass. Maybe doesn’t want to give up his Chair on the HFSC? Or he was being coy…

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “I’m sure they’ll find someone who is capable of accepting a bonor”

  • Scott1960

    Do I have to pint at them? That would mean I acknowledge their existence and I’m trying the Republican method of solving problems – pretending they don’t exist.

    • handyhippie65

      it’s ok, you can just laugh.

    • cynmac

      But if you point, the laffter is that much more effective!

  • Mr Corrections
    • Juan de Fuca

      I fucking love that dude.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      No recruiters, so the Koch brothers need not apply.

  • Notreelyhelping

    How about Bob Dole? Sure, he’s ninety something-or-other, but I bet Bob Dole thinks that Bob Dole can whip those knuckleheads into shape. Why, I bet Bob Dole remembers this one time Bob Dole was short 15 votes. Your average guy would have said “well, another day.” But Bob Dole decided, Bob Dole sure did, that Bob Dole….

    • geoffalnutt

      He may even be dead, but his erection is still the neighborhood draw. They’re charging 10 bucks a peek. He got a lifetime supply of Viagra as a good will gesture, however, no one told him not to take them all at once. Republicans!

    • handyhippie65

      bob dole

    • Msgr_Moment

      Keep the Speaker tanned.

  • Me not sure

    This whole McCarthy business just doesn’t pass the smell test. I would love to know what Walter Johnson (R) NC knows. Shoes are yet to drop.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Sex with David Cameron’s pig

      • Me not sure

        How would that differ from fucking Ellmers?

  • User_0

    Henri Poincaire, the famous French scientist and mathematician, said, ‘Science progresses, funeral by funeral.’ evidently, so does common sense But as healthcare joins medicare, food stamps, un-employment compensation, social security, the FDIC and soon to be measures to end consumer ripoffs and every sort of unethical capitalism, those who have opposed these measures will be seen to be lacking in common sense. For this reason, Henri and I expect to see the members of the Geriatric Old Party toddle off to oblivion with no one to replace them.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Per Wikipedia:

      He was responsible for formulating the Poincaré conjecture, which was one of the most famous unsolved problems in mathematics until it was solved in 2002–2003. In his research on the three-body problem, Poincaré became the first person to discover a chaotic deterministic system which laid the foundations of modern chaos theory.

      Thus anticipating the current House of Representatives.

    • Tansy Geek

      It would be nice if they sped their demise up a little.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I guess they could name Kirby Delauter to the post but that would involve mentioning the name of Kirby Delauter, something that Kirby Delauter could never tolerate, thereby making Kirby Delauter’s chances slim unless Kirby Delauter could be convinced to allow his name (Kirby Delauter) to be suggested.

  • Left Coast Tom

    I hope Boehner’s liver has a safeword.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Monkey!”

  • Joshua Norton
  • Poly_Ester

    Chef for Speaker!

    • cynmac

      Salty Chocolate Balls?!?

    • Enfant Terrible

      This chef?

      Bork! Bork! Bork!

      • Poly_Ester

        I had this one in mine.

  • dshwa

    Well we needed something to entertain us between the now finished debates and the first primary. Guess this will do.

  • dshwa

    Wait wait wait, there’s people who think the MitBot is going to be able to run the house? I thought the baggers hated him? Are the Establishment repugs just using that as a ploy, or a legitimate FU to the loonies? Either way pass the popcorn.

    • cynmac

      Do we need one for Speaker?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Ironically, by which I mean coincidentally, with Boehner they already had a Speaker who was ‘specially sauced.

    • eddi

      In tine times like this the GOP needs a real leader. Too bad Mitty is the only one available.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Did anybody catch McCarthy’s exact quote about, “We have to foot our best step, forward out best foot” something comically inept like that. Needless to say “The Paper of Record” doesn’t mention it.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      So he ill-spoken, the only reason is he’s from Hungaria. It doesn’t qualify him from the distant future of Speakership. He should have outstuck it.

      • Major_Major_Major
      • Mehmeisterjr

        Fooving more ward, he should consecrate to keep his eye the ball in.

  • Enfant Terrible

    “I’m sure they’ll find somebody who is capable of accepting the honor.” — Nancy Pelosi

    Not a big fan of Pelosi’s political equivocations, but she sure can be a little stinker when she brings the snark. And I love that.

    • Wombat

      I’m pretty sure that goes beyond snark and into the Land of Shaaaaade.

    • eddi

      Get the barbecue sauce. She’s grillin’ up elephant cutlets.

  • Wesley2006

    They’re CRYING!!?? Actually weeping & shedding tears like little the lil’ self-entitled pussies they are!??

    Now would be a good time for every oppressed poor person/woman denied basic rights/minority group/non-heterosexual/frustrated citizen of America to rush to Washington by the semi-truck full and take the crybabies out back of the Capitol building and beat them up. Give them something to really cry about.

    • Tansy Geek

      Dad is that you?

    • bluicebank

      Tansy beat me to it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      They’ve all got Boehner Syndrome, a condition which produces uncontrollable outpourings of tears, even when what has happened is quite amusing. Suspected cause: A mechanical monkey bite.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Speaker Scalia. Make it happen, Lord Cthulhu!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    How about Joe “Deadbeat Dad” Walsh?

    • tinker12

      Joe Da Plumber isn’t busy right now.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I know – Josh Duggar! He’s used to strangling whores into submission, perfect training for dealing with the Freedom Caucus.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Ba dum tish!

  • Incoming Ham

    Caligula. I know he’s dead, but that hasn’t stopped anyone else.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Why settle for Caligula when you can get Caligula’s horse?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Biggus Dickus or GTFO!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Or Thamthon the Thaduthee?

  • RC

    I thought that squirrel from Utah wanted the job. He’s horrible but from a GOP point of view could he be so bad that even in this chaos they won’t consider him?

    • eddi

      This isn’t up to the GOP anymore. McCarthy was their anointed successor. Scandals can be suppressed. Their fate is in the hands of Focus on the Family and Heritage Action now. May the gods have mercy on their shriveled souls.

  • Stein Olsen

    The Republican party (PARTEEEYYY TIME – EXCELLENT) should be taken to the vet and given a lethal injection like some ailing old creature. But it is satisfying watching *this particular creature* fester in it’s own feces.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      With votes! Literally with votes!

    • bluicebank

      Old Yeller. Just saying.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        Which old yeller are you talking about? Most of the Republican House majority are old and yell a lot…oh, wait. Thought you were talking about the next “volunteer” for role of Speaker.

  • HeywoodJablomey

    Cue The Donald. http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/08/politics/donald-trump-kevin-mccarthy-speaker/

    Now that he’s slipping in the polls and Dr. Ben is catching up, I’m expecting yoooge outrageous things from the Hair Apparent. C’mon Donnie-boy- don’t let us down!

  • CripesAmighty

    You asked for it. You got it, the…
    Clusterfuck Caucus.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Ryan is a bland midwestern Hamlet. Wisconsin does not produce magic elf farts. We do however invite one and all to come smell our dairy air.

  • Sterculius

    Who would want to lead a room full of preschoolers in $5,000 suits paid for by lobbyists?

    • eddi

      Somebody who wants a $10,000 dollar suit from the lobbyists.

  • eddi

    I just realized there is only one politician who every Republican respects and admires. One man who can rescue them from this morass of despair. Bibi Netanyahu. OK two people, Hassan Rouhani.

    • just_jim

      Three people Vladmir Putin.

  • Joshua Norton

    Later that day, at the Ryan residence:

  • richardgrabman

    How bout Aaron Schock? Or his personal photographer? Or Sarah Palin (til she quits in a couple weeks)?

  • Paperless Tiger

    “A banana republic.”

    Exactly. Only banana republics don’t work here, because there’s no bananas. We’re an industrialized nation, you nitwits. Get with the program.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is where Pelosi calls up Boehner and says, “So, I hear you need some votes…” Thirty Dems are all he needs to get a moderate Speaker elected, and deliver a huge, public, hilarious “FUCK YOU” to the teabagging assholes who drove him out.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You may be sure this is what is happening behind the scenes. Pelosi’s cheshire cat smile was priceless when she said she was “sure” the Republicans could find a Speaker and when pressed added “I hope.”

    • eddi

      As I said, she’s gonna make them bleed. And where else can they go? The alternative is a split Reb vote and a solid Dem vote. The Minority leader as Speaker. With the band playing “The World Turned Upside Down”, Cornwallis’ least favorite tune.
      The surviving Rebs will never be able to go home. The Bubbas will be waiting at the airport with tar and feathers. Or worse.

  • ryan

    The really not funny thing about this, is if they really can’t agree on anyone, then the gov’t will literally shut down; not just in the “gov’t shutdown” way, where at least there were people being assholes. The House would literally not be able to even bring up eliminating Obamacare. Nothing would happen. Nothing. It would be the total and complete suspension of federal gov’t.

    • freakishlystrong

      You say that like it’s a bad thing..the way these assholes are “governing”, perhaps less is more.

    • Msgr_Moment

      And that would differ from the current system how?

  • lovelydestruction
  • Ryan Denniston

    Boy, the Freedom Caucus must really hate Boehner. It wasn’t enough for him to quit, now they’re going to make him stay against his will as punishment. And we thought Obama was a lame duck.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If they do force him to stay, they had better watch their backs because Boehner can do shit to them that is way beyond the commenting rules. They will retaliate, of course, which means it’s just a shame that I can’t eat popcorn.

      They haven’t quite managed the new Civil War they’ve been hankering for but they sure have gotten a Civil War going within their own party.

      • Lord-Nash

        How can they force him to stay if he’s quitting? Isn’t he leaving Congress entirely?

        • eddi

          Yes. He is quitting wild turkey. After October 31 unless the Tea Party Party compromises, an unnatural act for them right up there with respecting Supreme Court decisions they hate. I’m not sure to what extent the House can function (sic) without a Speaker. There must be some rules or at least traditions on the matter. We will see.

          • He is quitting wild turkey.

            That’s a cold thing to say.

          • eddi

            The voices in my head are a fun bunch of whatever they are.

  • Rick Hill

    Crying in the cloakroom? C’mon guys, man up! This isn’t the death knell of the gop. That comes next year when Turnip, Fiona, Paul or a piece of baloney is the candidate for Preznit. this is just helping to ensure that it’s a total flush for the republican party. You got plenty of time to weep an wail and jump from the top of the Washington Monument.

  • Lord-Nash

    So what they’re telling us is the most recent person willing to lead this party was a drunk? There’s better leadership in Civil War re-enactments.

  • timpundit

    Kim Davis, call your publicist.

  • Nathan Andrews

    Did Desjardines use #tcot unironically? My head asplode.

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