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Congress right now
Congress right now

So … remember how we told you that Conventional Wisdom had already elected House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy to fill John Boehner’s falling-down-drunk speaker shoes, once he gets the hell out of dodge at the end of this month? And how we also told you Conventional Wisdom can be  dumb and wrong, because it’s created by Very Serious Inside-the-Beltway dumb assholes, like, say, Luke Russert? (Shut the fuck up, Luke Russert!)

Well:

House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy has abruptly pulled out of the race for Speaker of the House on the same day that he was widely expected to be nominated for the position.

The nominating contest in the GOP conference set for Thursday afternoon in the House has been postponed.

It was not immediately clear why McCarthy, who was viewed as the likely successor to outgoing speaker John Boehner, unexpectedly exited the contest. He told colleagues in a private conference meeting that he was not “the right person for the job,” according to members present.

Of course, we were also wrong, but that’s different because we don’t pretend to be serious journalists:

So start practicing typing “Speaker McCarthy.” And then start guessing what kind of sex scandal will force him to resign from office one day too.

Obviously, whenever a Republican resigns his position as speaker of the House, or resigns the gig before he even gets it, the first and most obvious reason is SEX SCANDAL. And while we had not yet confirmed whether John Boehner was banging Callista Gingrich, now we must wonder if McCarthy was also banging her too! Out of a deep love for America, of course. That’s why they all bang her. Or maybe he was secretly banging fellow RINO Rep. Renee Ellmers? Some say!

McCarthy was all set to start swinging his gavel, but then a funny thing happened on the way to the speaker’s office. McCarthy made the mistake of opening his mouth and letting words come out of it that, though exceedingly rare for a Republican, happened to be the truth. And that never works out well for them:

Everybody thought Hillary Clinton was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are her numbers today? Her numbers are dropping. Why? Because she’s untrustable. But no one would’ve known any of that had happened had we not fought and made that happen.

That the Benghazi Committee to Benghazi Hillary Clinton Right In Her Benghazi was formed with the explicit purpose of trying to Benghazi her chances at winning the White House was news to precisely no one at all in America, because DUH. That a Republican actually admitted it, however, well, that was a heck of a thing. Naturally, he flip-flopped like a common John Kerry and said that of course he didn’t mean the thing he’d said, just the opposite, really, and the committee was about getting to the non-partisan The Truth of how Hillary Clinton personally murdered FOUR AMERICANS and then sent all kinds of secret emails saying “LOL, just killed FOUR AMERICANS, hahaha, they’ll never catch me because I’m deleting this email! P.S. Please DVR The Good Wife for me. I’ll be at yoga.”

And then, hot new sexy plot twist! Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-Benghazi), who was for abandoning our brave men and women in Benghazi before he was against it, said that no offense, McCarthy’s a terrific guy and all, but he can and should choke on Chaffetz’s scrote:

I’m arguing that one of my strong suits is actually going on camera and going before the media and making the case to the American people. I think everybody has plusses and minuses. […]

I think making the case to the American people, and communicating — I want a speaker who speaks!

Things just went downhill from there for poor not-gonna-be-speaker McCarthy. Hillary Clinton made fun of him, for sucking. And then the House Freedom Caucus — those super-duper extra-far right-wing conservative nihilist splitters who always want to shut down the government because freedom — announced it wasn’t going to back no RINO for speaker, nuh uh, so all of its members were going to support Florida Man Daniel Webster.

And then, on Wednesday, the final kiss of death for McCarthy: an endorsement from Dick Cheney.

I’ve known Kevin McCarthy for many years. He is a good man and a strong leader. As a man of the House and a former member of the House leadership, I know that Kevin McCarthy is the person we need as Speaker in these dangerous and important times. Chaos is on the rise abroad. Russia is exploiting this administration’s weakness, radical Islam is gaining strength, the Middle East is falling apart, and China is asserting its authority in the absence of American strength. The Obama administration has done enormous damage to our military capability and to our relationships with key allies around the world.

Especially when the President refuses to lead, Congress needs to step up to provide for our national defense in support of American power. Kevin McCarthy is the man who can provide that leadership.

Nothing like having Dick Cheney insist you’re the right man for the job to make you reconsider all of your life decisions. Including McCarthy’s decision to Benghazi himself right in the dick, which he admitted on Thursday “wasn’t helpful.” Gee, ya think?

So, who’s going to swoop in to save the House Republicans from themselves now? Well, it still won’t be a lady, like we said already because LOL, Republican Party, yeah right. And contrary to the near-unanimous demands of Twitter, it still won’t be Louie Gohmert. With Republicans IN SO MUCH FUCKING DISARRAY, who knows what the hell will happen next? Boehner’s stuck with the job, even after he leaves the House, until he finds and trains his replacement. And there’s no law that says the speaker even has to be a member of Congress. Heck, it probably shouldn’t be, on account of how they all blow so many goat chunks. Hey, now, here’s an idea!

Screen Shot 2015-10-08 at 10.31.52 AM

Trump for speaker, anyone?

[NBC News]

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  • Lizzietish81
    • jesuswasablack

      Hey what about Denny Hastert, I hear he’s looking for a gig!

  • Jenny

    LOL!

  • memzilla

    “McCarthy Drops Out of Speaker’s Race; Did Not Realize Job Involved Speaking.” — Andy Borowitz

  • Villago Delenda Est

    As I mentioned a couple of threads back, McCarthy failed his “serious candidate” auditions on the teevee by falling all over his tongue and creating a new country: “Hungaria”.

    • FauxAntocles

      That’s his Grindr alias…

    • eggsacklywright

      I was really looking forward to more of his unique wordiage.

    • OneYieldRegular

      From now on, I’m going to refer to this whole GOP Speaker debacle as “The Hungaria Games.”

  • Callyson

    I need some mood music for this story:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POzSXzwbwIc

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Perfect.

  • actor212
    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, at least the live one was a girl, not a boy. This may also explain why Ellmers is considered a RINO.

    • LarryHoudini

      “They are unusually close,” says the staffer who insists that the affair is going on. “It’s weird if he’s not fucking her. He was suck to Ellmers like glue.”
      Uh . . . I made up that last part.

      • coozledad

        It can be like glue, but it’s mostly water soluble. Water and soap. Lysol. Brillo.

    • lesterthegiantape

      Holy Christ in a sandbag, it’s turtles all the way down. Ellmers, whose opponent brings a shotgun to negotiations. It’s six degrees of batshit up in here.

    • Mr. Silly

      Given that gotnews is serial fabricator Chuck Johnson’s site, I’d take that claim with a grain of salt until verified by someone who isn’t a pathological liar.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        This was a hot topic across a number of Right Wing sites in January (Freepers, Dead Brietbart, Red State).

        • FlownOver

          Again, “someone who isn’t a pathological liar.”

      • actor212

        Yea, I had the same thought until I realized that Chuckles has a bone to pick with both Ellmers and McCarthy and the timing makes it likely that it would be investigated closely. If it was wholly made up, McCarthy could come out clean and worse, actually be a sympathetic figure.

        Even Johnson isn’t that clumsy.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Nobody ever comes out a sympathetic figure – the best he can hope for is “well, nobody could prove it.”

      • TxSpinyLizrd

        Was just going to post the same admonition.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Maybe McCarthy should have done something to inoculate the herd.

    • chicken thief

      Hey, why not fuck her? She’s good looking enough.

      • FlownOver

        She might talk. (No, not about the boinking – just talk at all)

    • Toomush_Infer

      So….. not much of a Republican, then?…..

    • data_ninja

      “Rep. Jones calls for candidates with ‘misdeeds’ to withdraw from leadership race”

      This letter makes a WHOLE lot more sense now.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        “Jones said the leadership must serve with the “utmost integrity.”
        A teabagging asshole with ‘utmost integrity’? I think I see their problem.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        Dayum… “playing cards”!? Dude has some awfully high standards.

        • data_ninja

          I’m pretty sure that’s code for gambling. Consider this though: whenever someone applies for a high level security clearance, their family and friends get interviewed by the FBI. A lot of the questions they ask are similar to what Rep. Jones was asking in his letter. Are there any existing drug habits, various addictions and the like, including any sort of affairs. Basically, it’s so that people that are given access to high level information can’t be blackmailed for it. You know, the same kind of blackmail that someone might be threatened with if they don’t drop out of a leadership race. (And yet, I’m sure these people still have these high level security clearances, at least some of them)

    • HeywoodJablomey

      NO WAI

  • goonemeritus

    I think we all can agree that Kevin McCarthy is already a more successful speaker of the house than John Boehner.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    Since it would irresponsible for us not to jump to conclusions:

    I heard Kevin McCarthy dropped out because it was discovered that he is Bristle’s baby daddy

    • Zippy

      I don’t think he has it within him…

    • HolidayinCambodia

      You know who else just found out he’s Bristol’s baby daddy?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Daniel Webster?

        • FauxAntocles

          Noah Webster?

          • Major_Major_Major

            Emmanuel Lewis, star of Webster

          • Zippy

            Webster Hubbell?

          • PubOption

            He certainly knew what to do with his dick-tionary.

        • memzilla

          Webster Hall?

      • Zippy

        AOT,K?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Well, it would be irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Some say…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Wow. He didn’t even need an endorsement from Dick Morris or Bill Kristol to get the heave ho. Just Dick Cheney!

  • Iron Monkey

    Congress is not only a dumpster fire in the middle of the street but has also moved to Canada. What have our neighbors to the north done to deserve such treatment?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Dumpster fires probably have higher approval ratings.

    • FauxAntocles

      They’re martyring themselves to save us – good ol’ Canada!

    • Captain Kraut

      That’s to show what a polite, well organized riot looks like, which would probably be an improvement for congress.

  • Indiepalin

    McCarthy dropped out because he was having sex with Renee Zellweger.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well worth losing the job for that! Rene is HAWT!

    • OzoneTom
    • Riley Whodat Venable

      If I was doing that the only other things I would do would be “…sit around the house, get high, and watch the tube.”

    • PubOption

      She didn’t get into the relationship with her eyes open.

    • Mpeg

      I thought this was deja vu.. Renee Zellweger is practically an anagram of “Rielle Hunter,” after all.

  • Zippy

    This just shows that the GOP needs Gowdy’s BENGHAZI!!1! circus more than they need anyone in particular to herd the cats in the House. Once McCarthy stepped in it and gave Dems that talking point, he was toast. The only way to make it go away was for him to pull out. GOP leadership doesn’t care about governing anything, including its own House caucus- they proved that when they put Drunkie in charge.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      It’s shadow puppets all the way down…

      • eggsacklywright

        Ardjuna libel!

    • Callyson

      OT, but congratulations. #bitchmoangrumble

      • Zippy

        now you can help me root against the Fucking Cardinals

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I’m with you.

  • Iron Monkey

    Bunch of idiots–they don’t realize they already have a speaker, the Honorable (sic) Ted Cruz.

  • Seaside

    “Everybody thought Kevin McCarthy was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are his numbers today?”

    • HeywoodJablomey

      His invites to the House Tea Parties will be getting “lost in the mail”.

  • lesterthegiantape

    Paraphrasing his skedaddle speech: “I ain’t got what it takes to deal with these assholes.” At least he’s prepared to admit he’s unqualified.

  • Welcome back, Speaker Pelosi.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      She may be the only Rep. Who can get 218 votes. Of course there is always Ted Cruz. The rules of the House do not require the Speaker to be a member.

      • Zippy

        Plus, he has experience- he’s been running the place for months

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Then he could get re-elected and be the President and the Speaker all at once.
          /s/

        • OneYieldRegular

          Plus, he’s the only Senator that still behaves like a junior member of the House.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        He’a not a member, but he is a tool.

    • FauxAntocles

      The only one with the balls to get the job done.

  • Skwerl King

    We need to Star Trek Night Crew to step in and save Congress.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G4ApQrbhQp8

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    I think they should nominate Rep. Renee Ellmers (R-NC). She knows everything McCarthy know, and probably a lot more.

    • actor212

      It sounds like they’ve had in depth intercourse on the subjects.

      And the countertops. Maybe the backseat. Possibly the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.

      • Jenny

        Experiencing the real Washington D.C. since 2011!

    • david green

      I have a cat that knows everything McCarthy knows.

  • george gonzalez

    Let’s not forget that he has a touch of the Palin gift of blab, using non-words like “Hungarania” and “untrustable”, and letting the rather large Beghazi cat out of the bag. Three big whoopsies in a few days is a bit above the threshold for being third in line to the presidency, of the PTA, if not the country.

    • SnarkTank

      Colbert’s bit on McCarthy last night was all over “Hungaria.” It sounded almost like it was written by Our Wonket, or at least a fair number of Wonkettte commenters (if they were allowed).

      • actor212

        (shhhhhhh….we’re not supposed to notice that half of Colbert’s stuff comes from here…if comments were allowed)

      • nmmagyar

        As the Wonkette Resident-Hungarian-in-waiting I found that very offensive

        • mtn_philosoph

          As I said to my friend Oscar, pay the apprentice his weekly wage.

        • mtn_philosoph

          I fixed the leak so that the rain wouldn’t keep drip Pannonia.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Donald J. Trump
    Donald J. Trump – Verified account ‏@realDonaldTrump

    “@Moonwkr: @realDonaldTrump I would like to nominate @IvankaTrump for Speaker of the House” What a great idea, she is a total winner! (Nice)
    9:38 AM – 8 Oct 2015

  • Nounverb911

    Kevin who?

    (What too soon?)

  • Flashman

    I guess McCarthy was boning Renee Ellmers (R-Appalachian Trail), anyway, it would be wrong not to speculate. His office released this statement:

    Everybody thought I was unbeatable, right? But we put together a Benghazi special committee, a select committee. What are my numbers today? My numbers are dropping. Why? Because I’m untrustable. But no one would’ve known any of that had happened had we not fought and made that happen.

    • chicken thief

      McCarthy and Ellmers should have leaked the ‘McCarthy hired a gay prostitute’ story.

      • The Wanderer

        Don’t you mean the ‘McCarthy was a gay prostitute’ story? He has the look of a guy who’s spent time at a Peg House out in the boondocks somewhere…

        • nmmagyar

          Truck-stop-on-the-edge-of-town-parking-lot Libel!!!!

    • lesterthegiantape

      You know, I just looked up pictures of Ellmers, and if you can get past the glass eye she’s not unappealing.

  • goonemeritus

    Kevin McCarthy is one of those rare Republicans that knows
    everyone hates him.

    • orygoon

      You just said the best thing.

  • Callyson

    Tell me, LA Times linky, what explanation did McCarthy give to his fellow wingnuts?

    “He simply said that he didn’t want it to be divisive and when it came to running for speaker, [that] he’s not the guy,” said Rep. John Fleming of Louisiana, member of the Freedom Caucus.

    And since all your party knows how to do is to be divisive and say no, good luck with that plan…

  • Mpeg

    This is like trying to second-guess the casting of the Twin Peaks reboot. Lara Flynn Boyle’s freak lips don’t stand a chance against Amanda Seyfried’s slinky hips.

    • TheBidenator

      Well and Amanda Seyfried has a pair of talents Lara Flynn Boyle could never have….

  • Billy Croissant

    Maybe he realized speaking FOR a room full of gun-totin’ hillbillies is different than speaking TO a room full of gun-totin’ hillbillies.

  • Mr Corrections

    So, to sum up: it was BEFORE day one, and it wasn’t actually a sex scandal, just a regular scandal. I think you still managed to call it more accurately than any “actual” journalist.

    • Boscoe

      No sex scandal required for Mccarthy. If he were a marathon runner, he didn’t just fail to arrive at the starting line, he shattered his pelvis getting out of bed…

      • Lascauxcaveman

        “This mellow-thighed chick just put my spine outta place…”

  • cousin itt

    S. Palin could use a job.

    WAIT!

    • HeywoodJablomey

      PALIN FOR WORD SALAD-TOSSER OF THE HOUSE!
      CAN I GET A WUT WUT

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        WUT?

    • OneYieldRegular

      Naw. She’s fuming because someone managed to quit faster than she did.

  • JD Mulvey

    If only it was a campus gunman all these Republicans would quickly gang rush him.

    But when the hostage-taking is by this “Freedom Caucus,” they’re
    huddling under their desks.

  • Markuserektus
    • cousin itt

      I just threw up a lot in my mouth.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        “a real black president”
        WTeverlovingF???

        “Brother from another planet” is more like it.

        • DahBoner

          With all due respect, Carson’s got some European ancestors in that woodpile…

      • lesterthegiantape

        I just threw up in Ben Carson’s mouth. $150 the easy way.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        I threw up in someone else’s mouth!

        EDIT: ack, Lester beat me to it.

    • nmmagyar

      Yeah, I saw that headline this morning, I shan’t be reading the article

    • DahBoner

      “If Carson becomes President, our sales will plummet!!!!”. — Sleeping pill manufacturers

  • Callyson

    House Ways and Means Chairman Paul Ryan reiterated on Thursday that he will not seek the post. “”Kevin McCarthy is best person to lead the House, and so I’m disappointed in this decision,” he said, adding “While I am grateful for the encouragement I’ve received, I am smart enough not even to try to lead these nutcases
    will not be a candidate.”

    • Zippy

      that’s the thing- no one with even a modicum of intelligence wants the job

      • weejee

        So then, why not Louie Gohmert?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That doesn’t really narrow the field.

    • BouncyFlyer

      That pic’s libel to apes, mammals, and vertebrates. ‘Baggers don’t believe in Evilution, after all. A slime mold might be more appropriate.

  • Spotts1701

    Meanwhile House and Senate Dems be like…

  • actor212

    TRUCK NUTZ FOR SPEAKER!

    • cousin itt

      Which Palin is that one?

      • nmmagyar

        It’s Trapper-Keeper’s middle name

    • cynmac

      Have we heard from Deez Nutz?

  • Boscoe

    The fact that McCarthy didn’t immediately manufacture an imbecilic excuse that blamed Obama or Hillary or “the leftist media” for his comments proves he is unqualified to be a Republican.

  • orygoon

    It’s fun to watch the GOP circular firing squad, even though (oh, let’s be a good Goon, especially! because) the guns are rhetorical.

  • calliecallie

    This is just making my day!

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Quitter!!!!

    • cousin itt

      Even better, he pre-quit.

    • weejee

      Will the Wonket be putting McCarthy in for the esteemed Palin Award?

  • chicken thief

    “And contrary to the near-unanimous demands of Twitter, it still won’t be Louie Gohmert.”

    Say WHAT?!!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Louie has Tom DuhLay smarts. Better to be the power behind the throne.

      • Ulricii

        Only when Tom Dulay’s ass was smarting.
        Best to be the pot under the throne.

    • memzilla

      This is an insult to Preznitial-looking ties everywhere.

  • diogenez

    Oh good, the Republic is saved….

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “It is worth nothing that the two deny a relationship.”
    Yes, RedState, it is worth noting, before diving into the outhouse pit to fish out some nice juicy turds rumors.

  • Scott1960

    He just doesn’t want to be distracted from his work helping Hillary’s campaign…

    • TheBidenator

      He is her most useful operative at the moment- I noticed she seems to be ramping up her campaign since his mouf diarrhea happened and she’s undercutting both Obama to the left economically and Bernie on guns…

      • Lance Thrustwell

        Hillmentum!

        • Logic of Color

          “Run for the Hillz!” Think it’ll catch on?

  • exinkwretch

    Does this leave the door open for one or the other of the top members of the Extreme Dumbfuck Caucus — Louie Gohmert and Steve King — to make a run at Speaker?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, yes…..

      • weejee

        ♪ Louie, Louie,
        He gotta run now ♪

  • calliecallie

    A new word for disarray: clusterfuck?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      A clusterfuck is a disarray raised by several orders of magnitude. The military excels at creating them. See the MSF hospital bombing.

      • nmmagyar

        Is clusterfuck before or after FUBAR in severity?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          FUBAR is close to CF, but both are beyond SNAFU, which describes normality. You have to make an effort for both FUBAR and CF.

          • nmmagyar

            I would know this is my dad had been infantry rather than BuMed

          • david green

            Our SeaBee auto/heavy equipment shop in Okinawa had a nicely lettered sign over the door: SNAFU, Ltd, a wholly owned subsidiary of FUBAR International”.

          • James Christopher Owen

            I’ve always thought of FUBAR as the end result of CF.

  • weejee

    Hey House GOP, what about this fine fellow?

    • mardam422

      I always wondered…is this guy getting ready to shoot his dick off or what?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        He’d have to have a pretty good aim to hit a target that small even at that range. And .45s have a hell of a kick.

      • jviscont1

        he is likely waiting for the effect of his video porn to present a larger target. maybe

        • nmmagyar

          Or waiting for the wet spot to get bigger

    • OrdinaryJoe

      His mother must be very proud of having this living in her basement.

  • diogenez

    The GOP *does* know how to create jobs.

    • memzilla

      Create? Yes. Actually fill? Not so much.

  • orygoon

    Oh, GOP of America, how I love to hate thee.

    • marxalot

      Congressional Republicans right now:

      • FauxAntocles

        Is the one on the right available? I reaaallly need to go!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Only if you make it fast!

  • Notreelyhelping

    It’s hard to recover when you announce “there’s a new sheriff in town,” shift your gun belt, and blow off your toes.

    • Vienna Woods

      blow off your toes. dick.

      FIFY

    • HeywoodJablomey

      I read that as “shit your gun belt”.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I have to say, I’d never seen this McCarthy fellow before. But as soon as I saw him deliver that now-infamous speech, I thought – this is the kind of utterly vacuous fraud you only see in novels or movies. Kind of a Chauncey Gardener without the sweetness or magic.

    People like Gohmert and King are idiots, but at least they have some sort of focus and intensity. McCarthy was threatening to make the GOP seem like a bunch of opportunistic stuffed shirts. Which some of them are, of course. But they don’t want to advertise their sweet little country-club deal to the world.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Yep. He was dead meat as soon as he opened his gob about Ben Gazzi. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

  • Ulricii

    Isn’t there some way Wonketers can maneuver a Louis Gohmert Speakership? Fun City, all day every day.

    • lesterthegiantape

      If only they allowed comments here, maybe we could start a draft movement.

    • nmmagyar

      As amusing as that would be, I would very much like to have something at least attempting to resemble a functioning government at the Federal level

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not an option with the current cavalcade of teabagging clowns.

  • mardam422

    I guess someone found the Rentboy account.

  • SisterArtemis

    oh, that Trump angle was a capper!
    I am sort of sick to my stomach now…

  • This is amazing and I love it so much and I have been waiting so very very long for the implosion to happen and I’m going to get SO FUCKING FAT on popcorn if this keeps up.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Pro tip: eat the popcorn dry and drink the melted butter separately. Easier to monitor the cholesterol intake.

      • nmmagyar

        More efficient, also too – no butter loss to your fingers

        • bozilingus

          Your popcorn isn’t “finger-lickin'” good?

      • mardam422

        Leaves a better aftertaste, too, also.

  • Toomush_Infer

    There are thirty-eight sacrificial teabags to choose from – put yer monies down!…

    • Mr Corrections

      Can’t the Speaker be anyone? My money is on “a horse”, because I like history to repeat itself.

      • bozilingus

        How about Mr. Ed? He was pretty well-spoken.

        • Querolous

          Francis the Talking Mule. End of the line.

        • Amy!

          Of course, of course.

  • cousin itt

    I thought the GOP hates abortions.

  • The Wanderer

    Great Unholy Cthulhu, can You please get out Your smiting boots?

    Watching these idiots trip all over each other, poke each other in the eyes and generally shoot themselves in the feet reminds me of The Three Stooges, with one important difference:

    The Stooges were all smart guys who knew what the hell they were doing.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Plus, they were funny.

  • Joshua Norton

    Well this sucks. I had a bunch of “New McCarthyism” snarks all lined up. Now they’re all pretty much useless!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      On the bright side, though, it’s a day after the end of the world and you can create some new snarks!

      • Vecciojohn

        This falls in line it’s my theory that the Rapture actually was supposed to happen but Jesus decided he didn’t want any of these asshats so the whole thing was called off.

        • James Christopher Owen

          I was floating that theory as early as 1988.

  • jviscont1

    I think Denny Hastert is still available?

    • nmmagyar

      Isn’t he under indictment for fucking pre-pubescent boys? Or am I thinking of another ex- speaker?

      • jviscont1

        as Mr. Huck would say, that was a long time ago.

      • Angry_Cop

        I read yesterday his lawyers are frantically trying to hammer out a plea deal for no trial.

        That he would prefer jail time to a trial says it all, doesn’t it?

        • nmmagyar

          Fucking prosecutors better not let that happen. I want it all to be public record (saving only the names of the victims, if they want their names withheld).

    • DahBoner

      What about Tom Delay? Just because he was convicted of a FELONY and sentenced to THREE YEARS IN PRISON doesn’t mean he’s not qualified to be Republican SOTH…

      • DemmeFatale

        A few years back, Ol’ Bill talked about how he got along with everyone (remember how much they hated him?) when he was President, EXCEPT Tom Delay.

  • Joshua Norton

    Kevin McCarthy obviously forgot the first rule of Benghazi Fight Club.

  • TheBidenator

    The greater the disarray the higher the chance is we’ll get a real lunatic as speaker…keep it up, GOP! We want one that wears insanity on his sleeve and not in his cigarette pack. Besides, Louie can’t be speaker, his dalliances with that goat which allegedly occurred from 1986-2010 will ruin him and we’ll lose that pearl.

  • lesterthegiantape

    You know who ELSE died ignominiously in his bunker???

    • jviscont1

      Archie?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      William Prescott?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Josh Duggar?

      (oh, wait…that was in his bunk. Never mind…)

    • Randy Riddle

      Wayne LaPierre’s conscience?

      • Vecciojohn

        No, that was a stillbirth.

    • cynmac

      Hitler? or Eva Braun?

      • lesterthegiantape

        Who?

  • Callyson

    Tell us, ThinkProgress linky, what happens if these lunatics can’t pick a speaker?

    George Washington University political science Professor Sarah Binder explains that this enables Boehner himself to prevent chaos if his soon-to-be-former colleagues cannot agree on a replacement. Boehner, she notes, could “simply stay on as Speaker until the balloting is resolved.” At least one of Boehner’s allies in Congress says that the sitting speaker is likely to do this if necessary.

    More of the same–got it. But what if he finally quits drinking, and realizes that his job is even less fun when he is sober?

    But what if Boehner refuses to serve through a drawn out process to choose his successor — of if he is overthrown in an intraparty coup? Binder points to a provision of the House rules that govern vacancies in the speakership after a speaker has already been elected as a likely solution. “As soon as practicable after the election of the Speaker and whenever appropriate thereafter, the Speaker shall deliver to the Clerk a list of Members,” this provision provides. The rules add that “in the case of a vacancy in the Office of the Speaker,” the first name on this list becomes Speaker pro tempore and “may exercise such authorities of the Office of Speaker as may be necessary and appropriate to that end.”

    A spokesperson for the House Clerk confirmed to ThinkProgress that Speaker Boehner has delivered such a list of names, and an entry in the Congressional Record also confirms that Boehner delivered the list on January 6. The Clerk’s office, however, would not reveal who is in line to become speaker pro tempore should the speakership become vacant. A request to the speaker’s office was not returned as of this writing.

    Ironically, however, the most likely name to appear at the top of this list is the man who just withdrew his name from consideration for the speakership. Rep. Kevin McCarthy, after all, remains the House majority leader and Boehner’s top deputy.

    tl;dr: get the popcorn–this is just the beginning!

    • nmmagyar

      Who is Boner’s BFF? Or worst enemy? (Pelosi, we all know it’s Pelosi)

    • Mpeg

      Somewhere, Mittens Romney reads this and chuckles softly, wonders if this Sarah person works from home or conducted her analysis from her Binder.

    • Mr Corrections

      There’s also the small matter of funding the government December 11, and raising the debt ceiling some time in November.

  • Beezelbubbles

    A funny tweet mentioned that Pelosi would only need about 30 Republicans to be Speaker again…lol

    • JD Mulvey

      That would essntially require those Republicans to change parties –not too likely.

      But what could happen is the Democrats agree to support a Republican in exchange for revoking the ‘Hastert Rule.’ This would give th Dems + moderate Rpublicans a governing majority to move bills.

      Trouble with his strategy? The “moderate Republican” doesn’t appear to exist.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        There is no rule that one cannot vote for a speaker candidate who is not a member of your party.

        It would however create problems for you with your current party if you did so, obviously.

        • JD Mulvey

          Sure, that’s right –but voting for Pelosi would be tantamount to changing parties.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            The other problem is that “moderate Republicans” appear to have been made extinct back in ’10, as you’ve noted.

          • sw19womble

            They exist, but they’re just as cowardly as the Democrats.

        • Joshua Norton

          There isn’t even a rule that says they have to be a member of Congress to be Speaker.

        • cynmac

          They could abstain by voting “present” and take themselves out of the counting.

  • TheBidenator

    Sarah Palin approves of Kevin McCarthy’s obvious showing of leadership by bowing out of leadership.

  • Bill Slider

    Ted Cruz for Speaker, cuz.

    • weejee

      We’ll trade one orange for another…

      • Vecciojohn

        A bit of the old ultra-stupid.

      • david green

        Excellent work!

  • jviscont1

    Gohmert for Speaker and we all can get late night comedy show contracts!

    • chicken thief

      Mah main man Louie Gohmert is on Limpball’s show as we speak, jockeying for position!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That’s a critical mass of idiocy – maybe the apocalyptards were off by a day?

    • Logic of Color

      Say what you want about Louie Gohmert. He’s got an awesome name.

  • TheBidenator

    They were saying Boo-urns not boo, Kevin!

  • nmmagyar

    Fuck it, Bring back Tip O’Neill. Even dead he’d be better than most Repubes.

  • marxalot

    Chaos is on the rise! HAIL HYDRA!

  • Randy Riddle

    From Mother Jones: “Lawmakers who were present for the closed-door meeting reported a scene of “chaos” that included “audible crying.””

    Oh, to be a fly on the wall for that one ….

    • Lizzietish81

      Sounds like a meeting at Amazon

    • jviscont1

      last time I heard a group of Republicans cry was in a restaurant when they didn’t get separate checks.

      • arglebargle

        Probably had 18% gratuity automatically added to the total, also too.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          That would be 18% more of a gratuity than they normally pay separately.

    • Takoma DC

      If Boehner was there of course there was crying.

      • jviscont1

        going forward, we all must feel for the employment future for his Kleenex handler staffer.

    • tomamitai

      “Lawmakers who were present for the closed-door meeting reported a scene of “chaos” that included “audible crying.”

      I heard this in my head when I read that line:

      Schadenfreude Goetterfunken
      Tochter aus Elysium!

      • Vecciojohn

        Freude trinken alle Wesen
        An den Bruesten der Natur . . . Motherfuckers!!!!

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Achievement unlocked.
      Day. Made.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Though to be fair, when hasn’t the Boehner House of Representatives included “audible crying”?

    • OddMan

      As a man that lives one district away from McCarthy I have never heard him say anything that was not extremely conservative. He is in no way a RINO, so I think it is something else. That story from Red State seems a really good possibility. McCarthy and Rep. Renee Ellmers had or are having an affair.
      I am grinning a lot about all this.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Wait, the guy who tinkles from his eyeholes is leaving, but the guy who poops from his mouthhole isn’t going to take over? It can’t be someone who bleeds from their wherevers. So instead it might be someone who jizzes from his gunbarrel?

    • Spotts1701

      So we should cover the Speaker’s podium with plastic sheeting?

      • laineypc

        just about choked on my ice cream…

      • cynmac

        Like at a Gallagher show?

    • DahBoner

      The World’s Dirtiest Book?

    • Vecciojohn

      The Aristocrats!

  • cousin itt

    Bill the Cat could provide decisive leadership. And hair balls.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, Bill is really an alias of Gohmert’s, so….

      • nmmagyar

        Then who’s ass Is he licking? ‘cuz Gohmert’s bald as fuck

      • weejee

        Bill libel

  • Joshua Norton

    Another eeedjit who needs to STFU for the rest of their life.

    If it wasn’t for being wrong, these doofs would have absolutely nothing to write about.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Fred Barnes is a good example of the reason for my nym.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Wasn’t that the same group who’s youngest member was a tender 49 years old?

    • Vecciojohn

      Is Fred Fucking Barnes still on the loose? Jesus, I thought he’d been taken out back and euthanized by his fellow corporate dicklickers sometime in the late ’90s. Next you’ll tell me John McLaughlin is still above ground.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Will not end well.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Oh, man – if Boner’s Hammer wasn’t big enough….AK47?….

  • mosjef

    The thanks of a grateful nation to “Dick” Cheney for pointing out all the chaos and destruction sweeping the globe, as a direct result of 8 years of his war crimes and fascist dogma. Bad dogma!

    • DemmeFatale

      Yep.
      My first thought when I heard about the hospital bombing was: “fuckin’ Dubya and his stupid war!”
      (Why are we even there?)

  • chicken thief

    So whatever skelton McCarthy has in his closet that caused him to withdraw from consideration must pale in comparison to the closet full of skeletons that Paul Ryan must have since he refuses to even be considered.

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate what those skeletons might be….

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, you know, it was concern for his family that led him to drop out of the race.

      Yes, I know, it’s fucking boilerplate bullshit for any real reason, one of which was that the unspeakable scum that is the “Freedom Caucus” would have made his life a living hell.

    • tomamitai

      Could it be Red Skelton’s skeleton?

      • chicken thief

        Co-incidentally, Red Skelton is from my home town! He went to school with my granny, though was a few years ahead. She, may she rest in peace, said he was a smart ass, so he was prolly pretty cool.

    • Takoma DC

      I think he lied about his education credentials.

    • Jeamonn

      Um, actual skeletons?

      • nmmagyar

        So, dead girls it is!

        • Vecciojohn

          You’re ruling out live boys, then?

    • Takoma DC

      It’s Halloween!

    • DahBoner

      Hockey sticks and jugs of Maple Syrup???

    • bozilingus

      Over-watering his lawn?

  • Takoma DC

    McCarthy could not say basic sentences without using incorrect subject verb agreement and using simple words incorrectly. He should consider either hiring an English tutor, or seeing a medical professional. I don’t know what the problem is but something is very wrong.

    • cynmac

      I say “Meth”.

  • Joshua Norton

    So who’s going to draw the short straw?

    Jim Jordan just said thanks but no thanks.

    • weejee

      see above

    • orygoon

      The only sort of prominent names I can think of are Issa, who should make even most GOP congresspersons throw up in their mouths, or Paul Ryan, who makes my relative in his district throw up in their mouths. I’d hate to see Ryan elected speaker. But really, I have no idea.

      • Joshua Norton

        I understood that Ryan also said “Thanks, but no thanks” when asked.

        • orygoon

          Well that is good to know. I fear the possibility that the country might take that guy seriously.

          • nmmagyar

            Only until he speaks

          • Tansy Geek

            It would interfere with his Crossfit training.

    • Takoma DC

      The short straws are for coke. Long straws for Lynchburg Lemonades.

    • Hardly Ideal

      At this point, we may as well appoint an ill-tempered chimpanzee with a tricorne hat and a terrible case of diarrhea.

      • laineypc

        So someone from the Freedom Caucus.

  • SK

    Ha ha! Hillary finally Benghazi-ed someone!

  • weejee

    So will Washington’s 5th District be providing a second Speaker.

    Fifth? Drink!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      The Fifth has really gone down the drain, hasn’t it?

      • RC

        full of red necks and mormans

  • Who would want the job governing that fucking lunatic asylum except one of the lunatics?

    I was going to root for Speaker Gohmert!!! but then I remembered that he would then be third in line to the Presidency and I had a horrible vision of like Air Force One crashing or something. (Shudders…)

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Where’s Nurse Ratched when you really need her?

  • emberglance

    Did anyone watch Rachel Maddow last night? She was talking about some mysterious letter which seemed to warn of vague past indiscretions which might come out in a bad way if certain people took office without owning up to them… or something, I dunno, I was kind of drunk? Did anyone sober see this?

    • Takoma DC

      Really? We watched the McCarthy bit and were in disbelief someone at that level not knowing the basics of English grammar or knowing how to use simple words correctly in a sentence. Was the mysterious letter in her segment on McCarthy? If anything I think he’s lied about his education credentials.

      • emberglance

        It does appear that his name is being mentioned in some circles in connection with a certain Ms. Renee Ellmers, a Congresswoman for NC.

        • Takoma DC

          I’m sure they were working together on a rename-a-post-office bill and not playing post office. They are family value’s representatives after all.

    • OneDemin EOr

      Walter Jones of NC just said they want everybody to make sure there are no skeletons in anyone’s closet before they say they want the job.
      So, unfortunately, you weren’t drunk enough!

      • Shibusa

        The McCarthy skeleton still had flesh on it. It was that he accidentally told the truth about the endless, pointless, partisan Benghazi “investigations”. The price for telling the truth about those sham Benghazi hearings was very high for Mr. McCarthy. It will be higher for the rest of us when the GOP picks a total wingnut to replace Boehner.

    • Angry_Cop

      I did not see Maddow but the story is correct. The letter was from one GOP rep to another but intended for the public. It was quite vague.

  • Takoma DC

    Did McCarthy abort his role as Speaker? I know it was only a few days gestation but I saw with me own eyes – its heart beating, legs flailing, and heard with me own head holes, out loud audible crying!

    • Biff52

      No brains to harvest, though.

      • Takoma DC

        Never seen any brainz. Juss a itty bitty heart, little wrinkly arms and legs, and a teeny tiny teardrop of a pee pee.

  • Joshua Norton

    And the cherry on top is that all this happened in time for Dame Peggitha Noonan to write about it tomorrow.

    Maybe her mechanic is a Jamaican emigre who loves America and lives its dream with each oil change.

    • jviscont1

      not until Manuel gets back from Office Depot with the markers and the Bic swizzle sticks.

  • JustPixelz

    You buried the lede Kaili! Dick Cheney maintained his PERFECT record of being wrong.

  • BadKitty904

    It will be interesting to see how the Dems will, once again, fail to take advantage of the GOP gift that has been handed to them.

    • sw19womble

      They’ll lock themselves in DNC HQ, wait for a couple of weeks, then – when they think the coast is clear to come back out – they’ll realise that they’ve forgotten which one of them had the key.

      Or something like that.

      • BadKitty904

        If only you were kidding…

        • Vecciojohn

          Yeah, we’ll form our patented Democratic circular firing squad. That always works!

  • Steven M. Harries

    I heard Planned Parenthood was planning on selling some of McCarthy’s parts for profit . . .

    • nmmagyar

      Since no one on earth would ever pay money for his parts, I guess that story is finally dead.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Dick Cheney’s political instincts are always just so right on.

    • BadKitty904

      Big Dick certainly serves as a useful, political weather-vane to show which way the wind is not blowing…

  • Mavenmaven

    “I’ve decided I wanted to spend more time with my aides, I mean my family”

    • BadKitty904

      Change “with” to “in” and you may be onto something..

  • Bob@Bob.com

    How abut this guy

  • Takoma DC

    Dennis Hastert’s available. The Grand ‘Ole Pedophiles always liked him a lot.

  • JohnR

    Kevin McCarthy is unelectionable. Where is the picture of Luke Russert with Josh Duggar?

  • ladylazarus

    Actually, this is scary.

    • Randy Riddle

      What’s really scary is the fact that the last time this happened was just before the Civil War.

      • ladylazarus

        I didn’t know that, but I am not surprised.

      • Takoma DC

        Actually that makes me feel a bit better. It fits in with their *nostalgia* motif.

    • Takoma DC

      I know! I question the Pope’s awesome powers. First Boehner was crying that he’s in when he wants out. Now he’s crying that he’ll have to stay.

      • Angry_Cop

        you would too!

        • Takoma DC

          He prolly started off the day with a few Bloody Mary’s. By lunchtime he’d moved on to Moscow Mules

    • Bob@Bob.com

      Yeah, now we get a crazy one

  • JohnR

    Has Bill Kristol given his 100% wrong choice?

  • Joshua Norton

    What’s even scarier is that after all these on-going candidate clusterfcks and teabagger shenanigans, the GOP still hasn’t hit rock bottom. If they were unraveling any faster they’d all be Jeb Bush.

  • say wha

    Lead, follow or get out of the way. Good choice, McCarthy. Now if only the rest of the GOP would follow or get out of the way.

  • whitroth

    I’d say he looked at the votes, and decided he didn’t want to deal with the neoConfederates, either.

    Which makes this scary. As much as I loathe Boehner, I hope he gets budgets, and debt ceiling, etc, done before he leaves, because I don’t see the House passing ANYTHING AT ALL until the election next year.

    Or,, with all the GOP-as-chicken-with-its-head-cut-off, maybe, as someone over on fark suggested, the GOP will collapse and split.

    mark “one can only hope”

    • Notreelyhelping

      If they blow the debt ceiling & crash the economy, they sure as hell become two parties.

    • cynmac

      People have been predicting the implosion of the GOP/RNC since Mittens lost, the shutdown occurred and Obama made his humdinger of a State of the Union Address (“I’ve won both times”).

    • H0mer0

      How come they still get paid even though they aren’t meeting “quality” and “production” deadlines like I do?

  • Takoma DC

    Joni Ernst knows how to control hogs and is very crafty. She can turn bread bags into snowboots in a pinch. Wouldn’t she be an excellent Lady Speaker even though she has a vagina for a penis?

    • david green

      Facts not in evidence.

  • MrBlobfish

    You can’t have a gay Speaker of the House https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FNt511KIOv4

  • Takoma DC

    How Boehner feels:
    https://youtu.be/fvzdehnJA9k

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    He was drivin’ home
    Early Sunday morn though Bakersfield
    Listening to the preacher on the colored radio station when he said
    You’ve always got the Lord by your side

    He was so pleased to be informed of this
    He ran 40 red lights in his honor
    Thank you Jesus
    Thank you Lord.

    • Suttree

      So one L is coming back? Yay!

    • H0mer0

      you’re nominating Issa?

  • Vecciojohn

    Is the GOP still continuing the hoax that the late Dick Cheney is actually still alive?

    • chicken thief

      Vecchio, I’ll just say this: if a rasping old man shows up at your door claiming to be Dick Cheney DON’T GO HUNTING WITH HIM.

  • Antimassacree

    Instead of disarray, the word for the GOP might be disintegration. The rift between those interested in governing and those interested in so-called principled obstruction might be too wide for cooperation. Not sure what happens to the government or the country, but it is clear that the GOP as a political organization will be over.

    • Angry_Cop

      Not clear at all. Quite a number of their voters are just fine IN THEORY with a permanent government shutdown – which is what the “principled obstructionists” want.

      Until the Medicare and Social Security checks stop.

      However, your point about the gap being too wide to bridge is spot on. One wing wants to govern. The other wants to destroy the government. Those goals cannot be reconciled.

      • nmmagyar

        They DO want a permanent shutdown, but only of departments that they don’t, personally, benefit from. Just like when they went into rage-gasms over the national parks being closed last time the Feds shut down.

        • H0mer0

          and the senate gym that didn’t have fresh towels…do you guys know how government works? It’s like moving out of the house to be on one’s own but coming back for meals and laundry and groceries and shampoo…(sounds like the last Virginia governor’s family but that makes me a little sad…)

          • nmmagyar

            I had forgotten the tragedy that was the gym closure. Paul Ryan had to go to Gold’s like a commoner.

          • H0mer0

            I hope he got beaten up (with votes)and given a wedgie (with votes)

      • cynmac

        Food stamps too.

  • Vecciojohn

    Nancy! You’ve got to help me again! Sob! Sniffle! Boo hoo! Nancy, I’m begging you! Waaaah!!!!

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Can’t tell if this is a really obscure reference to The New Vaudeville Band, or just a coincidence.

      • H0mer0

        I thought that was St Ronnie begging for another blow job from his wife. (not really but it also works.)

  • Cuban-Canuck gambling fiend Theodore El Cruz should run for Speaker.

    Sure, he works in a separate elective body, but he’s the yelping, all-in, degenerate beta male the GOP needs to front its Parliament of Infants.

    20-1 says Ted blows his entire payroll betting he’ll the Next Speaker, just before he hangs himself from an Atlantic City sports betting cage.

    • nmmagyar

      Not seeing a downside to that ending…

  • sosuume

    Guess it was the “speaker” part that confounded him.

    • eddi

      They only open their mouths to see how far they can get their foot into it.

  • docterry6973

    Boy I’d hate to live in that country. Wait, what?

  • Bitter Scribe

    Why can’t we have one speaker for the Teabaggers, and another for the adults?

  • finette

    And there’s no law that says the speaker even has to be a member of Congress.

    There’s nothing in the rules that says a dog can’t be Speaker of the House…

    • JD Mulvey

      ..

      • Doug Langley

        You’re barking up the wrong tree.

        • H0mer0

          To paraphrase John Oliver describing the procedure for choosing a Prime Minister in the event of a “hung parliament” (the Queen chooses one of her corgis) when Jon Stewart expressed skepticism at his explanation : “Well we can’t elect a cat–we’re not France, you know!”

  • Blerg

    I nominate Blake Farenthold!!

  • Sheesko

    Somebody must have dragged him into the elevator and threatened to break his legs. I’m thinking Nancy Pelosi.

    • berkeleyfarm

      Nancy does not fuck around.

      • Wassamatta U Alumnus

        Pelosi is the perfect choice and why not I say. Willie Brown was elected speaker of the CA House when the repubs had the majority. The House needs adult supervision and she is a grandmother. Just saying.

  • VandeGraf

    Apparently McCarthy is not a masochist. But neither is he sufficiently a sadist to adequately represent the Freakdom Coccyx.

  • Me not sure

    I guess it’s fair to say that Benghazi has claimed yet another victim. Also too, being one of the biggest word vomiting idiots on the planet.

    • cynmac

      The IMDB description for that film is perfection: “An American with a shady past joins with a morally-bankrupt Irishman to find treasure buried by Arabs in a deserted mosque in the Sahara. The situation becomes complicated when they are surrounded by bellicose Bedouin bandits.”

      • H0mer0

        “bellicose Bedouin bandits”
        I like that alliterative. Has a certain Theodore Geissel/Dr Seuss quality about it.

      • Me not sure

        I saw it on TMC once. It’s a hoot!

  • Gorillionaire

    If he has been sticking it to Renee Ellmers then: 1. Gross and 2. Hilarious.

  • Cismontane

    Can we start nominations? How about Mark Sanford (R-Adultery) for Speaker? We’d have lots of fun with that one….

  • Josh Raeburn

    Oh please let us have a year of Jason Chaffetz as Speaker. It’s an election year. It’s not like any governing is going to take place. We might as well be entertained. And Chaffetz is just the sort of clown-show to create endless spectacle.

    • Tansy Geek

      While I like animals dressed up as people as much as the next person, it’s not really a good way of selecting leaders in Congress. Somewhere in Utah a whole cage of ferrets went missing just before Chaffetz was elected.

      • NellCote71

        His face is almost as punch able as Cruz’s.

  • Tansy Geek

    I nominate Joe Lieberman. Few people deserves it more (snark alert,just in case) and he’ll disappoint everyone just like Boehner, but be more greasy doing it.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Any truth to the accusations he as having an affair with Congresswoman Renee Ellmers of North Carolina?

    That’s what all the crazy right-wing sites say, but they lie non-stop, so?

  • Little_Big_Tug

    I’m telling you, you want this guy. You know, if you want to see an actual turd as the Speaker of the House.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Republicans: Bringing dignity back to government

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Dick Cheney isn’t doing anything, is he?

    • eddi

      Book tour, I think. After that, it’s laundry day. Too busy.

      • cynmac

        GTL – gym, tan laundry – the old Jersey Shore schedule.

  • eddi

    Everyone says Trump lacks experience in government. This would be a great cram course. 20 minutes in, he finds out he cannot fire the stupid ones. So ends his political career.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Dick Cheney needs to STFU.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Talk about the kiss of death! Anyone endorsed by Cheney should do a serious and brutally honest reevaluation of his life.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Whenever I see his stupid daughter on the teevee I think to myself “who is still listening to these fucking idiots?” Then I remember my dumb neighbor who thinks Hillary Clinton wanted to murder Americans with Benghazi.

  • iamnotascientist

    Funny…one thing Canada does ok at (hockey riots) is used to illustrate one thing that America perhaps maybe is slightly less than 100% absolutely solidly fantastic at (governmenting).

    I know there is some creative way of pulling together flavours of our fond former residents “The Cruzes” (coming soon to TLC), maybe some “Palins” (I’m pretty sure they were all born in the bosom of our fantastic universal health care system), beer and poutine…I’m just not that creative…or disturbed…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      19 fuckweasels and counting?

    • cynmac

      You are definitely disturbed.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I think I get it now. The Tea Party wants to shut down the entire government one party at a time….starting with their own party.
    GENIUS!

  • Enfant Terrible

    Bakersfield is having a major sad.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      How is that different than any other day?

  • Sterculius

    Why don’t they just make Ted Cruz speaker? After all, he is a reasonable fellow.

  • Redstart

    “And then, on Wednesday, the final kiss of death for McCarthy: an endorsement from Dick Cheney.”

    I sense a redundancy. Also, Too!

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    I hear Sarah Palin’s available.

  • handyhippie65

    they need to put out an ad for a shitweasel wrangler. just don’t tell them they’re rabid. they will figure that out later.

  • Dylan Black

    http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/9/9a/Vaderchoke.jpg

    We need a speaker who knows how to deal with incompetence…

  • Paperless Tiger

    Who wants to be tea-bagged?

  • Ryan Denniston

    it’s created by Very Serious Inside-the-Beltway dumb assholes, like, say, Luke Russert

    Also too Mark Halperin. Shut the fuck up Mark Halperin!

  • Ryan Denniston
  • tihond

    You gun for the Hillz you best not miss.

  • One day, Dick Cheney will be dead, and on that day, the world will be a slightly better place.

  • Keith Taylor

    There is no expletive obscene enough. I really believed nothing could horrify me more than the stuff (you know . stuff … ) that has already gone down. But 62 per cent of the nation think Bannon was a great choice for chief strategist? Okay. I’ll get a grip and refrain from hoping that Planet Nibiru really exists and will annihilate the Earth in 2017. But I’m tempted …

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