Oh hi, Wonkers! It is time for your late afternoon Weekly Top Ten list! Have you had a nice weekend? We have! It’s been almost 100% sleep and Netflix, like Jesus intended. If you’ll take a moment to notice the picture above you, you will see that Wonkette Baby, instead of just sleeping and Netflixing, has taken a job teaching literature at the local community college. They grow up so fast!
First, though, as usual, it’s time for housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, and if you’ve already voted, that’s okay, VOTE AGAIN, WITH YOUR DOLLARS! If you don’t remember, the way you vote is to buy all the t-shirts of the Democratic presidential candidate you love the best. If you are sexxxed up for Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn’t that easy? Now you are wearing clothes, whereas when you started this post, you were not. (As always, if you are a Jim Webb supporter, you do not get a t-shirt and instead must remain naked and sad.)
Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, sometimes until Holy Shit O’Clock in the evening, and we never sleep. So please to give us $5, so we can keep being so great. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it as many times as you want, ooh yeah, Wonkette likey!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them the first time! Let’s see what a big liar Carly Fiorina is.
1. Well, there was the time we learned that UH OH! Carly Fiorina’s Planned Parenthood lies were a lot deeper than anybody even knew!
2. And there was the time we learned that lying liar Carly Fiorina isn’t happy everybody knows she’s a lying liar.
3. Not all the top stories are about Carly. Here’s your president, Jeb Bush, comforting a nation grieving after a mass shooting by saying, “Stuff happens.” Sidenote: Did you Wonkers know there are a lot of REALLY stupid people on the internet? We got so many tweets saying, “Ahem, Jeb Bush? Is not president? Like such as?” We laughed at them.
4. OOPSIE, Josh Duggar’s penis had A Accident on another porn star.
5. More Carly! This time the jerk behind the Planned Parenthood videos accidentally confirmed she was lying.
6. Vatican issues clarification: Kim Davis sucks, we hate her, and we wish we’d never met.
7. The tragic news of the week, of course, was that, yet again, a gunman decided to reach for his readily available arsenal and murder a whole bunch of people. Will this one force America to do something different to try to solve the problem? Nah, probably not. It’s just routine now.
8. On a much happier note, those Indiana pizza bigots accidentally catered a gay wedding, HA HA HA!
9. Pope Francis barely noticed Kim Davis on the way to brunch with his gays.
10. And finally, this white Republican congresslady from Florida has a badass idea for getting rid of this black Democratic congresslady. And by “badass,” we mean totally racist.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst, @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.
Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, we are not opposed to that!
Okay, we’re going to go laze about some more and maybe find a bloody mary or something.