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Somebody set up us the dong!
Somebody set up us the dong!

The weekends are for rest, relaxation, and catching up on binge-watching The Walking Dead (yes, even Season 5). Oh, and maybe doing something about that mass of matter in the kitchen sink before it achieves self-awareness and launches Judgment Day.

Where Is The Ultra-Sex? What Is The Ultra-Sex?

We’re incredibly lazy, so we’re just going to borrow The Daily Beast’s description of what promises to be the greatest intentionally crappy movie of all time:

Cut together from dozens of vintage 1970s-1990s boom-chicka-wow-wow porn pulled from the archives of French broadcaster Canal+, the insane sci-fi XXX film In Search of The Ultra-Sex tells a shockingly cohesive science fiction narrative filled with disco robots, spaceship battles, roller skating sex, laser vaginas, and Power Rangers-esque warrioresses shooting milk from their breasts.

Taking their cues from Woody Allen and his 1966 remixed spy flick What’s Up Tiger Lily?, French directors Nicolas Charlet and Bruno Lavaine also manage to make a delightfully bizarre monstrosity more sublime than its forgotten, mostly Eurotrash parts.

So what this thing is, is a bunch of old porn-flick clips remixed into a sci-fi film about the desperate attempt of some people on a spaceship to rescue Earth from a worldwide outbreak of uncontrollable sexiness before everyone bones each other senseless. The intrepid heroes must solve the mystery of who has stolen the “Ultra-Sex matrix that keeps humankind’s libido in check,” as we see all sorts of weird bad porn overdubbed with dialogue rejiggered to the purposes of the SF story. It may help that the clips are from those antique pre-internet days when porn makers felt obliged to include a plot and dialogue of some sort. Oh, look! There’s a trailer! Needless to say, it is NSFW:

Sadly, no word on when/whether this instant classic will get an actual U.S. release; it played at last weekend’s Fantastic Fest in Austin, but darned if we could find out anything about a video release. This obvious brilliance deserves to be seen.

Farewell, Log Lady

The owls are not what they seem, either
The owls are not what they seem, either

Catherine Coulson, who played the Log Lady in David Lynch’s sublimely weird Twin Peaks, died Monday at the age of 71. NPR brought us this very sweet remembrance of the actress and the character:

Things you probably didn’t know: Coulson had known Lynch since the ’70s, while he was working on Eraserhead (one of the few movies that Yr Dok Zoom has actually had to stop watching because there’s no SSRI dosage powerful enough to let me finish it), and during Lynch’s hungry years, he roomed with Coulson and her husband, who ran an acting workshop together. Lynch said that a good decade before Twin Peaks ever got off the ground, he had a vision of Coulson cradling a log. Also, too Coulson had her own backstory for the Log Lady: “Catherine Coulson once said the Log Lady had suffered some trauma in her past, but she was also the only normal person on the show.” At a 1992 Twin Peaks fan convention, she said, “We all want somebody to tell us the secrets of the universe. And if you can listen to a good piece of ponderosa pine, you know, what the heck? Why not?”

Enjoy some vintage Log Lady:

Do We Still Need ‘Banned Books Week’?

Today is the last day of the American Library Association’s Banned Books Week, which is a great time for bookstores to put out displays of Vonnegut, The Grapes of Wrath, Captain Underpants, and Sherman Alexie’s The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian. To mark the occasion, Slate ran this contrarian thinky-piece by Ruth Graham arguing that we really don’t need a “Banned Books Week” anymore, since for all practical purposes, there’s no such thing in U.S. America as a “banned book” — there are still books that get pulled from school reading lists or moved to a restricted shelf at the library, but those very same books are still quite available in bookstores, and very often, when a book gets pulled from a school, publishers and bookstores go out of their way to distribute free copies of the book to students, as happened in Nampa, Idaho, when the school district dropped Alexie’s Part-Time Indian.

As Graham points out, we’re long past the days when selling Tropic of Cancer or Lady Chatterley’s Lover would get you arrested or fined; the fights now are almost always over whether a book will be used in a class or kept on the shelf of a school library; suppression of books at public libraries is far rarer. And even when some challenges to books seem downright silly — like the Texas mom who thought a nonfiction book, The Working Poor, was “Marxist” and full of dirty sex, — Graham notes that “it’s hard to argue that parents should have no right to weigh in on what their children read at school.”

While she didn’t convince us completely — considering that teachers still lose their jobs simply for reading books in class that some parents freak out over — but it’s an interesting read. Go, read, and argue in the comments, which we of course do not allow because we are fascists who hate the First Amendment.

Massachusetts Invaded By Cool Wind-Operated Walking Beasts

For you geeks in New England: Dutch artist Theo Jansen is exhibiting a bunch of his “Strandbeests” at the Peabody Essex Museum in Salem, Massachusetts. Constructed of PVC pipe and fabric and possibly Elven technology, the beach-walkers are hypnotic to watch and unspeakably cool:

Lemony Snicket Is A Pro-Choice Good Guy

Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket), the author of the wonderfully mordant A Series of Unfortunate Events books, has pledged ONE MILLION DOLLARS to Planned Parenthood, because he’s just that kind of guy. We’re huge fans of the books, especially the audio versions, which are brilliantly narrated by Tim Curry, except for three or four where Handler reads them himself (He’s good, too, but he’s no Tim Curry).

Handler has fine dirty-liberal-progressive credentials; if you haven’t read his “Thirteen Observations made by Lemony Snicket while watching Occupy Wall Street from a Discreet Distance,” you need to correct that. Today! A sampling:

1. If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn’t mean you would be a midget if you were bald.

2. “Fortune” is a word for having a lot of money and for having a lot of luck, but that does not mean the word has two definitions.

And so on.

Simpsons Spoiler: Waylon Smithers Is Gay

We guess that’s news, because now the producers are going to have Smithers come out to the only person in Springfield who doesn’t know that: Montgomery Burns.

We seem to recall Matt Groening saying one time that Smithers wasn’t exactly gay so much as he’s Burnsosexual, but we never relly believed that, given his dialogue at the candy machine: “I could always go for a Jolly Rancher.”

This should be a very exciting development for anyone who still watches The Simpsons and sighs, “Well, it still has its moments.”

Here’s Just How Much Sound Effects Matter

Here’s a fun “oops!” — an exciting promotional clip from Everest got sent to the BBC with part of the soundtrack missing: all the sound effects. As Casey Chan at Sploid sez,

it is oh so goofy to see an impossibly tense scene of the movie with all the VFX added and everything looking right and action packed but sounding… like they’re having a normal conversation in a quiet room.

Maybe it’s from a special cut for Mitt Romnney?

That’s No Moon — It’s A Puppy Dog!

We figured you could use a few Nerd Doggies (OK, Nerds’ Doggies) after this shitty week:

Don't you shed too much for a Stormtrooper?
Don’t you shed too much for a Stormtrooper?
There are chewy toys, and Toy Chewies
There are chewy toys, and Toy Chewies
The sandpeople startle easily, but they'll soon be back, and on more embarrassed collies
The sandpeople startle easily, but they’ll soon be back, and on more embarrassed collies
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  • OneYieldRegular

    Reasons To Love France #69,000,001: that Ultra-Sex movie will inevitably be shown as in-flight entertainment on Air France – and even in economy, the champagne is free.

  • bookish

    Thank you for sharing strandbeests. They are beautiful.

    • formerChild

      Hah! I just ordered a strandbeest kit on eBay last night! Nice coincidence! (you can get a little 4 1/2 inch tall one for less than $10)

  • memzilla

    Die from a “worldwide outbreak of uncontrollable sexiness?”

    Death, where is thy sting!

  • Belasaurius

    boobies!

  • damanoid

    Ah, so “Retro-Porn” in this context signifies actual porn, not just an extreme commitment to “retro” design. Confusing!

    I about cried when that one Strandbeest fell over.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I thought “retro” was “in the style of the past” and “vintage” was actually from the past (not specifically porn terminology, but I think it holds up). Then again, it’s all translated from French, and who knows what those people are really saying half the time. :-)

      • doktorzoom

        Good lord, you are correct, and have caught me in a misusage.

        I shall certainly be punished, depending on a certain Someone’s schedule.

        • shastakoala

          Only a little. :)

      • HogeyeGrex

        Those French. They have a different word for everything.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          We know one thing for certain, however….they have no word for entrepreneur.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I’ll just leave this here to haunt Dok’s dreams….

    • Swampgas_Man

      In Heaven, everything is fine. You got yours, and you got mine!

    • Takoma DC

      Is Bristol sick? Or she’s just come in from snow job?

      • Msgr_Moment

        I think she blew a seal.

  • calliecallie

    The strand beasts are quite amazing. Please, Dutch artist Theo Jansen, bring them to Holland, Michigan. It would almost feel like home for you, and I would go watch them walk the beach there.

    • RevZafod
      • formerChild

        (you can get ’em on eBay)

      • calliecallie

        Now THAT is a war on Xmas gift I can give to the childrens without going to Toys R Us!!! Cool!

    • Tallmutha

      Calliecallie, do you live in Holland? I grew up in Fennville, 20 miles south of there.

      • calliecallie

        Don’t live there, but near. It’s got beach, and a Dutch connection, so I thought maybe that would entice the artist. Nice to know you are a native Michigander though!

        • mtn_philosoph

          I spent many pleasant summer afternoons on Holland Beach back in high school, during my Grand Rapids period in the mid-late 1960s. The sand would squeak and you could surf* the dunes.

          ____________________________________________________________
          * Actually more akin to snowboarding, which hadn’t been invented yet.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    On the subject of “Banned Books”: just because the librarians and teachers are doing a very good job of preventing the dipshits from getting their way does not mean that job isn’t needed. It’s sort of like some fuckwit CEO wanting to get rid of quality control because the product is a quality product so why do we need to be sure that it has quality?

    Banned Book week needs to continue, forever, because we’re so very close to returning to the dark ages of Banned in Boston, except it’s “Christian” lackwits in the old Confederacy and places like Douglas County, Oregon trying to get some banning done but due to the eternal vigilance of guardians of The Enlightenment like librarians, they don’t succeed.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Even if we reached a point where Americans have evolved past our current level of assholishness, I would like to have Banned Books Week if only so those of us who aren’t idiots can LOL that [region] got their panties in a bunch over [thing that was OMG controversial at the time but now seems incredibly stupid as you can see much, much worse on network television/porn].

  • coozledad

    The Khachaturian soundtrack to them beachbots is real nice.

  • jviscont1

    “Ultra-Sex matrix that keeps humankind’s libido in check” sounds like the name of the next Congressional hearing on Planned Parenthood.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    European soft core porn is just always ridiculously silly, so L’Ultra-Sex promises to be that squared.

  • damanoid

    I see on the IMDb that the tagline for Everest is “Never Let Go,” which I guess is reasonable advice for a mountain-climbing movie; but if I were responsible for that ad campaign, I would perhaps think twice about listing it on my resume.

    Other classic movie taglines:

    Jaws: “Never Let Yourself Get Eaten By A Shark.”
    Alien: “Never Poke A Space Egg.”
    Ghostbusters: “Never Think About Marshmallows.”
    Blade Runner: “Never Run With A Blade.”
    E.T. :”Never Get Out Of The Boat.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Star Wars Episode Five: The Empire Strikes Back: “Never put yourself within 15 parsecs of Darth Vader’s wheelhouse”

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Gone With the Wind: “Never Bring a Knife to a Gunfight.”

      • mtn_philosoph

        2001: A Space Odyssey: “Intelligence Is Artificial, But Paranoia Is Real.”

  • leemoder

    aaaAAAAaaagghh! Reading satire makes my puzzler hurt. Frenchie needs to speak the ‘Mericun to make with the funny in MY talkin’ movie shows.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’m not even going to look at the “retro porn”, it always looks like a weed whacker and hedge clippers are needed

    • Damn liberal anti-Bush fanatic.

      • Beowoof14

        In this sense I am truly a Bush fan.

        • cousin itt

          A bush in the hand is worth ummm, it’s totally worth it.

    • nightmoth

      But, AGB, there ain’t nothing as fine as a redhead’s big burnin’ bush.

      • cousin itt

        Ah, thanks for the mammaries.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …is asking too much:

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Nothing wrong with going native!

  • weejee

    Love Jansen’s kinetics. Shake, rattle, and roll – all at once too, also.

  • LarryHoudini

    I saw Eraserhead from start to finish, twenty years ago. I’m still trying to figure it out.

    • cousin itt

      I have post traumatic movie disorder. From thirty years ago.

      • Amy!

        They showed it for free at my college, in the spring of 1979. A bunch of us went. Half a bunch of us walked out. Just too fucking weird. I figured, oh what the hell, and went to see Dune when it came out. Walked out of that one, too, and I’d paid for it, and on opening weekend, no less. After that, I figured Lynch doesn’t deserve a third strike; he’s into creepy shit that I’m not gonna like. Every once in a while I’m tempted to see Twin Peaks, but … Lynch. Never seems worth the risk. Some people still speak well of Eraserhead and Dune, too, after all.

        • cousin itt

          I still like Dune. Never figured out why.

          • H0mer0

            The first time I saw it was 22 years ago dubbed in Italian and unlike my brother, I wasn’t a huge scifi fan and hadn’t read Dune, but I tended to make friends with boys easier than I did with girls so accompanied a couple nerd friends to see it. The guy with the boils on his face and the men with the plugs in their chests that he had a sexual fetish about still freaks me out to this day. I’m an old, but that German actor from Das Boot was pretty hot in it.

          • Vienna Woods

            I tried to watch it on my dvr a few months ago. I deleted it after 20 minutes. But then, I read the first book and then decided I just didn’t care enough about it to continue, and went back to Roger Zelazny.

          • Tansy Geek

            It was amazing to look at.

        • LarryHoudini

          I think Blue Velvet was pretty good.

          • Tallmutha

            Blue Velvet is one of my top two movies of all time (Sometimes I think I love Vertigo more).

          • Takoma DC

            Vertigo and Blue Velvet are 2 of my very favorite movies also too. :-)

        • Dune was insane, even though I liked it. They expected the guy who did Eraserhead to make the next Star Wars.

        • Truthiness2U

          Dune sucked. I almost walked out as well. Though I reserved that for the one film I did walk out of -Alien3 (and I left in the opening scene). But Blue Velvet was really good. I liked the pilot of Twin Peaks and would recommend that. Parts of Wild At Heart were fun (I love what Nic Cage says about his jacket in it). Straight Story is good and much sweeter than most of Lynch’s work. Oh and Elephant Man is good, if depressing

    • Takoma DC

      Jesus! Are you ok?

      • LarryHoudini

        That lady in the radiator is pretty freaky.

    • The Wanderer

      A friend of mine asked me to watch it (along with Videodrome and The Reanimator), and then explain each movie to his wife. I told her that, apart from the Flying Spirochetes in the opening titles, Eraserhead was one man’s search for love and acceptance in a dark postindustrial landscape.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      I watched it twice, years apart, to see if I could figure out what was going on the second time around. I think I’ve got it pegged; it’s a cleverly disguised remake of Un Chien Andalou.

    • lesterthegiantape

      I’ve seen it fifteen times at least, but then I went to art school in the 80s.

      • LarryHoudini

        Which school?

        • lesterthegiantape

          RISD.

          • LarryHoudini

            Ooh, that’s a good one. I’ve only taken night classes at Parsons and SVA. I’m jealous.

    • jmk

      I saw it twice when I was in college. Still don’t know what the hell it was about.

  • Takoma DC

    I hated Eraserhead and couldn’t watch anymore after 30 minutes. Love Twin Peaks, Blue Velvet, and Wild at Heart. I don’t think I’ve been able to watch much else since learning Lynch is a die-hard GOP supporter. But I’ll prolly watch the new Twin Peaks teevee show.

    I vote banned books is a good thing because as you mentioned librarians and teachers have been fired over books. And also because I think it gets people reading (or thinking about it). Also people learn about titles they may not ever otherwise have heard about.

    • brnoblvn

      http://flavorwire.com/338540/read-david-lynchs-exceedingly-lynchian-obama-endorsement

      Here’s Lynch’s Obama endorsement, just FYI. I’m not sure where this idea of David Lynch being a Republican comes from. He’s not really very political, but like many in Hollywood I think he’s socially liberal and fiscally moderate.

      • Tallmutha

        Lynch also expresses some rather pointed opinions about Obama vs. Romney here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-lynch/post_4094_b_2078391.html. But he also veers slightly into Dems-and-Repubs-are-all-the-same shit.

        He was a fan of Reagan, but I think that was more the side of him that likes good ol’ gosh-darn wholesome Americana than it was based on any theory of economics. More recently, he’s supported the presidential candidacy of some nutjob whose platform is the advocacy of Transcendental Meditation to solve the nation’s ills. I’m not sure visionary artists are our go-to guys for political sophistication.

      • Takoma DC

        I don’t know how political he is but he grew up in Montana and Idaho and although he volunteered for JFK has said in past interviews he’s a Republican, a Libertarian, a Reagan supporter, GOP supporter and yes he’s 1 of a few (Andrew Sullivan comes to mind) Republicans/Libertarians who voted for Obama. And now considers himself a democrat but says he doesn’t like them that much either.

        I didn’t know he now identifies as a democrat. Thanks!

        • Tallmutha

          John Hagelin, that’s the name. He’s made at least one campaign commercial for this guy: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Hagelin

          I gotta say I’ve read tons of interviews with him and while he has always said he was a Reagan fan, I don’t know him to have said he’s a Republican or a GOP supporter. I’d want to see a cite.

          • Takoma DC

            I’ll try to find the articles. There are way more republicans in Hollywood than people think and I don’t mean old Hollywood. And a lot more new age people and orgs support GOP than imagined. After seeing him being interviewed and listening to how he answered why he wanted to do the Clear Blue Pregnancy Test commercial In feel 95% certain he’s pro-life. I don’t believe he’d harshly judge a woman for having an abortion but I was surprised at his comments. But he’s just a guy with a weird imagination. And as we’ve learned from just-resigned-gop-house rep- McMillin the democrats don’t have a monopoly on kreative kink.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Vince Vaughn is a Republican! Uggh…I can’t even look at him anymore. I think he’s actually a Libertarian, but really the same thing, so I no longer care for him at all.

          • Takoma DC

            Back in 2000/2001 before Vaughn was in a major fight at a bar where Steve Buscemi was seriously hurt, my friend and I were hanging out at a bar restaurant across the street from the Celebrity Scientology Center, Vaughn came walking along. At that time, he was absolutely one of the most beautiful men living in the U.S. and in Hollywood. I’m not one for gawking but I couldn’t get over how beautiful he was. Shortly thereafter his looks and career kind of took a dive. Around ’06 an entertainment lawyer I’d become friendly with told me about all the repub/libertarian Hollywood aholes.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I had the same reaction, I was just crushed when I found out he was a Libertarian. I’ve enjoyed so many of his movies, and then to find out he’s an asshole, just takes the wind out of my sails. Wedding Crashers is one of my all time favorite movies.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I just Googled that bar fight. Wow, seems like Vaughn was an asshole and poor Steve Buscemi got stabbed because of it. Yikes!

          • Takoma DC

            I know. My love for Buscemi increased 1000 x’s and has held steady 10+ years later.

            My husband and I were really worried about him. All my husband would say is, “I told you he was an asshole! I hope you’re happy!”

            That’s how my Vaughn crush crushed.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I bet Vaughn is a selfish lover, and lousy in bed.

          • Takoma DC

            My husband always thought he the stupid egotistical characters he played in ‘Swingers’ and ‘Made’ were close to home and why he was able to portray them so well. When I reminded him that most actors and drama coaches claim that it takes an intelligent person to play a dumb person convincingly he said Vaughn was the exception to the rule.

            I don’t know about his lover status but (if you’re not sitting please do so now) did you know he’s been married for years? Plus (don’t drink anything yet) he also has kids. As in several.

            In all honesty, after I found about the barroom brawl and how Buscemi was badly injured and I thought about how he walked into the restaurant/bar I just happened to be hanging out in one evening (he arrived with a posse of even bigger lesser known aholes – very pretentious) looking around with this arrogant ‘Look at me! I own this joint!’ kinda’ look – he did not own the place but the bartender said he acted as if he did – it was all a big turn off. Then when my lawyer friend informed me of his political affiliation I was completely over him.

            Thankfully he seems to be self-destructive and his bad boy partying ways has done serious damage to his looks (prolly his health too). He was looking very bad for a while. He periodically checks in to rehab and then starts looking good again for a bit but relapses.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I was shocked to learn Jon Hamm was a huge partier. He split up with his girlfriend of 18 years after he sobered up, because he now wants to have kids. I think she’s 45 or thereabouts, so probably not such a good idea for her.
            A bit of celebrity gossip for you: I knew this allegedly ex-drug addict in California who worked at one of the fancy rehab centers in LA. I said “tell me a celebrity who has checked in that would surprise me.” He said “well, I’m not really supposed to…” After a little cajoling he told me Cher was an alcoholic. Not that this diminishes my love for her, but it did surprise me.

          • Takoma DC

            I was also surprised to learn Hamm has been in rehab a few times. Oh no! My heart broke when I read “Cher.” I love her. If I had any power in Hollywood she’d be making great movies. Such an under used talent! Maybe she has bad mgmt? I have a few theories on drinking in particular, in towns like DC and Hollywood.I hope she’s doing well. Saw a photo of her from this past Mother’s Day and she looked incredibly beautiful and 20 yrs younger than her true age. Her own mother (90 yrs young) looked great too.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I know, I was shocked about Cher too, mainly because she dumped Gregg Allman because he was an addict, so I just assumed she lived pretty clean. Also she’s into all the new age California stuff, so I just assumed she treated her body like a temple. I think being super famous has to be weird, and I can see how it would make you drink all alone in your big huge house.

          • Takoma DC

            If you don’t watch TCM, you should see if you can find clips when Cher was guest programmer a couple of years ago – she was terrific. Her thoughts on classic film, actors, directors were very thoughtful and intelligent. I was hoping she’d get the Saturday gig for their ‘Essentials’ program. I love old movies, and Cher picked a few I didn’t think I’d be interested in but she was right!

            I know what you mean. I think she is very healthy but some people don’t consider alcohol a drug, especially wine (it’s all natural!). I think she lives in Malibu. Yes, huge house. She used to have a small circle of friends. I don’t know if that’s true today.

            She was never able to have the love relationship she wanted (there’s still time!). Chastity becoming Chaz. Hollywood’s inability to cherish her (there’s still time!). I think these factors all very difficult life challenges.

            I thought, 10 years ago, she would have moved to Europe. I see her being unconditionally loved and adored by a European. I think she could reinvent herself in EU movies.

            The other thing I’ve always wondered is why talented wealthy people, who are not getting the opportunity to shine, why don’t they create their own projects?

            If I’m wrong about Cher in Europe, then she should be in a TV show. It’s American tv’s 2nd Golden Age. American Horror Story?

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Oh, just try to stop me from watching TCM! That’s my favorite channel. I’m not sure if I remember Cher being on or not. I was so pissed this summer that Summer of Darkness (film noir only) was on Friday nights, and I was traveling a bunch, so I hardly got to watch it. They hadn’t done SoD in 15 years!!!!
            I can’t imagine Cher couldn’t find love. Sonny seemed like a jerk, and she seemed to love Gregg Allman, but he was in the throes of a deep heroin, cocaine, and alchol addiction. Too bad their relationship didn’t work out like Patti Hansen’s and Keith Richards’ did.
            Interesting that you think Cher should have done a Tina Turner and moved to Europe. I always picture her as being the quintessential California girl, even though she’s not a blond.
            She used to have chronic fatigue syndrome, so maybe she just doesn’t want to work too much anymore? She used to flip houses years ago too.

    • Finding out Lynch is a Kanye West fan did in the respect I had for him.

      Mulholland Drive is still one of my favorite movies, though.

      • Takoma DC

        I know. I don’t understand why out of all the fantastic black rappers/singers, musicians very vanilla people cite West as a face. Especially older white bread.

        • Seriously. And in my case it’s always white friends of mine in academia of all things to boot. It’s just puzzling to me. Whatever the artistic merits of his work, if West was anymore anti-intellectual in his lyrics and his public persona, he’d be an Oklahoma Republican (of course, now that he’s come out in support of Ben Carson, I might be understating the case…).

          • Takoma DC

            Jesus! Is he really a Carson supporter? I really hate him and his stupid-troll-skank wife.

            I think for some bizarre reason, West is the Wayne Brady of rap for white people.

            I know 2 lifelong repubs here in DC. Both are white and in their 60’s and they love West.

          • Oh yes. Although to be fair (?) it’s pretty clear that Kanye is too much of a moron and a narcissist to actually even begin to understand what Ben Carson stands for.

    • Notreelyhelping

      Ha! You should see “The Grandmother”–Lynch’s student film. It’s like a Ray Bradbury story on opium. I like most of Lynch’s work, though I’m cool to “Wild at Heart” (though the car accident scene at night in the desert is amazing).

      • Takoma DC

        I can watch ‘Last Year at Marienbad’ on a loop. I just hate ‘Eraserhead’ but love several of Lynch’s other movies.

      • Takoma DC

        I love Bradbury.
        I also too love opium.
        Will try to see it.
        Thanks!

  • malsperanza

    “books are still quite available in bookstores”

    Aww, that’s cute. And of course, since the book is banned from the library, the way kids and other readers find out about a banned book is by walking down the street to that local bookshop and browsing, right?

    http://www.statista.com/statistics/249027/number-of-bookstores-in-the-us/

    The projections post-2012 are actually way too optimistic. Total indy and chain bookstores now number somewhere around 12,000 nationally – and that number includes big-box stores that sell a few books.
    http://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/bookselling/article/57631-where-the-stores-are.html

    Yeah, I’d say it’s easier than ever to suppress a book and silence its voice. So here’s my semi-annual pitch for everyone to throw a few dollars at the National Coalition Against Censorship, which (among other things) provides legal assistance to those teachers and librarians who get fired for giving a kid a book.

    http://ncac.org/donate/

  • Beowoof14

    Oh my 70’s porn, reminds of my teen fapping years.

    • elpinche

      Skinimax in the 80s. I got carpel tunnel from fapping so hard to those Emmanuel movies.

  • LarkintheAM

    This probably means I’m hopelessly square or something, but I have never been a David Lynch fan. I rarely walk out of movies, but I have been 2 for 2 with him by ditching both Eraserhead and Blue Velvet. Eraserhead just grossed me out, and I couldn’t take the violence in Blue Velvet. I admit it: I’m a wuss. :-P

    • Bitter Scribe

      “Blue Velvet” tried a little too hard, IMO.

      (“The Stepfather” came out about the same time. Terry O’Quinn portrayed more creepy menace in a few seconds of sitting and chewing at the dinner table than “Blue Velvet” did in its entirety.)

      • H0mer0

        “…Pabst Blue Ribbon!”

        • Tallmutha

          Here’s to your fuck, Frank.

    • leemoder

      Nope, it’s not you. Lynch is an exceptionally bad storyteller.
      I need only say “Dune”.

    • Whale Chowder

      Try Eraserhead and magic mushrooms (way back in the day). I was frozen in my seat, in terror.

  • Beowoof14

    I do believe we need a banned books week. And I feel a certain sense of pride when checking those lists and find I usually have read most of them.
    The RWNJ would have us all reading only the Bible, the left behind books and the turner diaries if they were picking.

    • Fartknocker

      I recently ran out of all the old copies of Newt Gingrich’s Contract with America, which I must say, was made using a fine vellum that the cat enjoyed shitting on.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Contract ON America. They haven’t given up yet, either.

      • H0mer0

        Do you think it would make a suitable substitute for shitting on my bed for my stupid cat?*

        *He’s not really stupid, he just seems to have an endless amount of poo to use against me for no reason other than being a cat who can.

        • Vegan and Tiara

          May I suggest getting a dog? They actually love you, and don’t wish to use you as a pawn in their global domination schemes.

          • A Grumpy Cat

            HEY.

            Well.

            Okay.

          • Suttree

            +1 for the witch.

          • Tansy Geek

            Yes, but they do poop anywhere and everywhere, especially if they think you’ll step in accidenltly. Mine also insists on having her “accidents” on the hardest to clean rugs.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            My dogs were never rug poopers, and they also never ate their own poop, so I guess I just got lucky.

          • NellCote71

            What is up with that? I have hard surface floors except for some expensive small area rugs. She always goes for the rug, to poop or throw up, and on special occasions, both.

          • H0mer0

            I have a dog already but she was crappy at catching mice (she did stand by the bed of one of my sons and bark loudly at some deer she spied walking across our lawn through the window at 3am. She showed those ungulates who was boss.)

          • Vegan and Tiara

            She sounds like a boss bitch!.

          • H0mer0
          • Vegan and Tiara

            Daawwww…she’s a cutie pie! She’s dreaming and thinking in dog language “deer fear me, oh yeah.”

      • Dee Andee

        There’s probably a shitton of copies of Sarah Palin’s Rogue books at your local thrift store.

    • Zyxomma

      And C.S. Lewis, whom I’ve not read. I saw one of the Narnia movies on one of the cable film channels before the ex cut me out of his life.

      • jmk

        I found his tone to be insufferably patronizing throughout the entire Narnia series – some books were worse than others – but the real outrage was when Santa Claus showed up for the final battle.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Any word on whether they’ll dub the actors with English voices versus just using English subtitles?

    • DahBoner

      Think of it as an opportunity to Learn dirty words in another language…

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      Let Bad Lipreading do it!

  • cousin itt

    I felt a great disturbance in the Sex, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in orgasm and were suddenly silenced. Remember, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Sex. But beware. Strong am I with the Sex but not that strong. I’m sure Luke wasn’t on that thing when it blew. He wasn’t. I can feel it. He’s my brother. Fine. When he comes back, I won’t get in the way.

    But how could they be jamming us if they don’t know… if we’re coming? Pull up! It’s a trap!

    I do believe they think I am some kind of god. I feel his presence. But he can also feel mine. He’s come for me. You have that power too. In time you’ll learn to use it as I have. The Sex runs strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. And… my sister has it. Yes. It’s you, Leia.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Ew.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      Oh dear.

    • Juan de Fuca

      Tontitown, Arkansas (Duggar’s home town) does sound a lot like Tatooine, Arkanis…

    • OzoneTom

      If I am not mistaken the sci-fi part of that production is from a movie that was considered a pretty big production at the time. Surprisingly (or not) I seem to recall it came out the same year as the first Star Wars film.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    rescue Earth from a worldwide outbreak of uncontrollable sexiness before everyone bones each other senseless.

    They wanna “save” Earth from this???11? Fuck then, them fucking fucks!

    overdubbed with dialogue rejiggered to the purposes of the SF story.

    So, like, script by Bad Lipreading? I take it all back, this could be great!

  • bluicebank

    It should be pointed out to the youngsters here that ’70s porn wasn’t as bad as that French flick, judging by the trailer. The subtitles are atrocious, and in one dub they have a male voice for a female character. Still, funny because it’s really bad.

    Also, Youtube hasn’t pulled this, because boobs?

    • doktorzoom

      Ah, but the ridiculous dubbing is the point — it’s like sci-fi themed Bad Lip Reading, except with no attempt to make the words match up.

  • VandeGraf

    The Congressional Record had best either be banned, or correctly labeled as being fiction.

    • Antimassacree

      Dystopian fiction. The GOP reads “A Handmaid’s Tale” as a how-to manual.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “The Simpsons” is still funnier than “South Park.” (Hell, a heat rash is funnier than “South Park.”)

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I liked south park the first few seasons back in the day. It was lewd and rude (and I was usually stoned) and everything was fair game and well, the aliens and the cow thing got me every time.
      …….And then they started to believe their own hype.
      Simpsons have their moments still. South Park does not.

      • lesterthegiantape

        I’m still usually stoned. It ran its course. See also: Family Guy and Spongebob. I think there should be a three-season limit on all cartoons. There’s a moment when the edginess becomes sadism, and then the fun is gone.

    • Vienna Woods

      And definitely funnier than Family Guy.

      • Tallmutha

        Srsly, Ted Santorum Huckabee is funnier than The Family Guy.

  • Tallmutha

    Other fun Log Lady fact: Catherine Coulson was married for eight years to Jack Nance (the Eraserhead guy and Pete on Twin Peaks).

    • Tallmutha

      Oh wait, it turned out Dok referred to that in the original post. Nance was the actor/husband with whom she conducted the workshop.

    • Spotts1701

      Besides acting, she was also a camera operator. One of the films she worked on as First Assistant Camera Operator was Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan.

  • Skeptic Rising

    I know that expression on the dog with the death star collar of shame. That is the expression that says, “You realize, of course, that I know where you keep your shoes.”

  • God, Slate really is like that annoying friend in college no one actually liked but you had to hang out with because he was ensconced in your social group for arcane reasons no one remembered and no one dared bring up any political, philosophical, or religious topic or fact up around here or else you’d hear the dreaded “Well, actually…”

    • Anarchy Pony

      Hey! Some us were that annoying friend!

      • YayConspiracy

        Oh God, it’s Anarchy.., O hi Anarchy Pony!

      • Juan de Fuca

        You still ARE! ;-)

        • Anarchy Pony

          Well, actually…

    • lesterthegiantape

      Slate is the kid who always has weed, but needs to borrow your car.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Okay, the guy in the first picture … has he eaten her nose?

  • YayConspiracy

    Banned books are too a thing of the past. Just like racism.

  • Juan de Fuca

    The Everest movie scene is a funny example of how important SFX is in media. Some political campaigns should take note because every single speech given by Ben Carson could use random Wilhelm Screams to keep people awake, FFS.

    The “Strandbeests” are wicked cool! It’s amazing how many useful things can be fabricated using simple PVC. I built the surfboard rack in my garage using schedule 40 PVC; framed a play tent for my daughter back in the day with it – cheap, simple and fun to build with.

  • freakishlystrong

    Nerd doggies melted my snowy heart. I love dawgies! Thanks Dok!

  • lesterthegiantape

    That reminds me — I haven’t touched my bikini area with amorous intent for several days. OMG I’M TURNING CHRISTIAN

    • Playonwords

      No … Just old …

      Not that I’d know anything about that ….

  • Tansy Geek

    The Strandbeasts are utterly fantastic. I love how they move in unexpected directions. They are delightful. It’s funny, I was just thinking about the Peabody Essex museum and how this is fun time of year to go Salem. Also the little girl telling the street preacher that pie holes should be shut or something to that effect.

  • Dee Andee

    Tonight I think I’ll watch the Lemony Snicket movie again. :)

    Love the pup pics!

  • handyhippie65

    that kinetic art is awesome!

  • Playonwords

    Oh, and maybe doing something about that mass of matter in the kitchen sink before it achieves self-awareness and launches Judgment Day

    https://youtu.be/pTka51ky9TE

    • Dee Andee

      I’ll see your Spock and raise you a Weird Al.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_ZcH0Ol5kg

    • doktorzoom

      I was actually thinking of the sink in Withnail and I

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6R9fY8lfGo

      • Dee Andee

        I had an ex who once dumped the entire contents of his sink into the Dumpster, then went to Goodwill and got more plates. Must have been a sight to see to make him do that, so–be careful!

        • Playonwords

          Sounds like that could have developed into a reality based Transformers …

          … Or the Blob

        • marxalot

          I once crashed with a guy who had to give up on the sink and do dishes in the bathtub… more than once.
          He’s married now and has two kids.

        • Takoma DC

          My gay friend and his bf (who was like 15 yrs older than my friend) didn’t wash dishes for over a month. They did what your friend did; trashed everything and purchased all new stuff.

          It was a real eye-opener for me. I learned that gay men could be both lazy and slobs.

          • Playonwords

            Ever heard Quintin Crisp’s opinion of housekeeping?

            There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn’t get any worse.

            On the other hand Kenneth Williams was obsessive compulsive about cleanliness

      • sw19womble

        Are you the farmer?

  • elpinche

    Chewie dog FTW.

  • Playonwords

    I’ve always thought that if DARPA is serious about walking technology and NASA wants a non-wheeled exploration vehicle they could do worse than check out Strandwalkers.

    Also … has anyone checked the strandwalker principle for wind generation?

    Need a bit of searching.

  • Playonwords

    Oh, on the subject of homophones (like Obamaphones but far more Fabulous!) Isn’t it good that nerds are not Knurd

  • marxalot

    That collie’s face says “I thought you loved me.”

  • Biff52

    Great, now I want sex.

    • Tallmutha

      It’s a bitch, ain’t it?

    • cousin itt

      Sure sure and yesterday it was about the halibut and sex.

  • r m reddicks

    Steve McQueen (the real one) libel!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OICbxwdm2fo

    • damanoid

      Not only are they both real, cosmologists suspect that, on a quantum level, they may somehow be the same individual.

  • damanoid

    “The Death Star is cleared to fire… the Death Star is cleared to– oh my god– OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN FEEDING HIM”

  • Enfant Terrible

    “In Search of The Ultra-Sex”

    Cute and fappable. What more could one want from a movie?

    • cousin itt

      Strum und kleenex?

  • r m reddicks

    The trailer made me laugh. I didn’t want to think it too hard.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Slate is the Gen X helicopter parent of online journalism.
    At least they’ve laid off the “…you’re doing it wrong!” BS.
    Still, the most compelling features are Dear Prudence and the News Quiz.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Ms. Graham can go fuck herself. These concerned parents don’t want their kids reading certain books. They don’t want any kids reading certain books, and they don’t give a good goddamn what other parents may want for their kids.

  • Gorillionaire

    I recognized Amber Lynn in that trailer.

  • toomanyrappers
  • Log/Log Lady 2016!
    ~

  • Antimassacree

    Of course the Strandbeests employ Elvin technology! Even a Tolkein rube like me knows that being mysteriously yet irresistably drawn to the Sea is at the heart of being Elvish.

    Thanks for a delightful post, Dok. This was a ghastly week and this gemisch helped.

  • Takoma DC
  • Mehmeisterjr

    I gotta say, the trailer doesn’t make it look anywhere near as funny as “What’s Up, Tiger Lily?” For starters, the original porn sci-fi flicks were so cheesy and silly to start with that any humor in this new stitched together film is just piggybacking on the originals. It probably also helps not to understand French because the new “funny” dialogue is pretty dire.

  • Zyxomma

    I love Jansen’s designs. Saw them on a TV program (can’t remember which, maybe CBS Sunday Morning) some time ago. Don’t have the means to visit Massachusetts at present (only using subways and buses), so thanks for posting them here, Dok.

    We’ll probably always need banned books week.

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  • Odd Jørgensen

    Awwwww, Chewbarka!!!!

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