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Lance Sanderson, with gay stripes all over him.
Lance Sanderson, with gay stripes all over him.

Remember that kid from Memphis, Gay Lance Something-Or-Other? If you don’t, NO, he did not build a clock, that boy was a Muslim, not a gay! Lance Sanderson is a senior at a Catholic boys’ school called Christian Brothers, and last week, he was in big trouble, mister, because he wanted to bring a man-date to his homecoming dance, which was apparently no bueno. The school said that due to “logistical reasons” (it fucks up square dances right good when everybody’s not arranged boy/girl/boy/girl), he could not bring his gay date, citing a possibly outdated school policy that says boys from other high schools or colleges are not allowed. Girls from other schools are obviously allowed, as the school is one big Catholic sausage party. Well! We have an update for you, AND an exclusive interview, MUST CREDIT WONKET.

Lance’s homecoming dance was Saturday, but he did not attend, because he didn’t want to go alone. Instead, he was at Mid-South Gay Pride, which is where all the gays of the Mid-South come together on historic Beale Street, to do gay pride to each other. Hush, it’s very family-friendly!

Monday morning, Lance got up, put assorted meats in his lunchbox (we assume, growing boy and all), and went to school, ready to be a good student again, and hopefully, in Lance’s words, to engage in “positive conversation going forward” about working to make the school a more welcoming, inclusive place. That did not happen! Instead, it seems that CBHS is not a big fan of all this media attention and decided the best place for Lance this week would be at home. We’ll let Lance take over from here, with part of the letter he wrote to his school:

Dear CBHS Administration,

Today I arrived at school around 6:30am. I sat down to complete my assignments for the classes I planned on attending today. At 7:30am, I was speaking to a teacher when an administrator walked into the room and told me to gather my books and come to the office. When I arrived at the office I was told that the administration “had 890 other students to worry about” and could not deal with me. I was told to go home for the week. I said goodbye to a few teachers and students, then drove home.

I am hurt by this exclusion. It goes against the Lasallian value of brotherhood that the school is supposed to stand for. You won’t let me dance with my date and you won’t let me go to class now either. I had hoped that today would be one for positive conversation going forward. Instead, I was sent home. I haven’t done anything wrong and haven’t hurt anybody. I want to be welcomed back to the school building today and I want this mean-spirited semi-suspension ended, so that I can do my classwork like anybody else.

Seems like a very nice, smart boy! Now, to be clear, while all your favorite liberal blogs are saying Lance was “suspended,” the school did not call it a “suspension,” and it’s an important distinction to make, because suspensions imply punishment for actions. We’ll call this more of a pussy “We don’t like negative attention, go home, gay devil!” move.

So who is this Lance anyway? Is he a gay devil sent to mess up the finely coiffed hair of the Brothers who run CBHS? Is he an evil promoter of the gay agenda? Only one way to find out! So yr Wonkette, who also lives in Memphis, used the internet to track this boy down, which was not hard since half the gay homos in Memphis are friending him on Facebook already, God, you creepers!

Hi, Lance! Okay, so the school has been saying that, for “logistical reasons,” they couldn’t accommodate a guy bringing another guy to homecoming, at least not a guy who doesn’t go to Christian Brothers. What kind of “logistics” were they anticipating? Cranes? Paparazzi? High school gym have a Maximum Gay Quotient?

I guess they’re afraid of all the limos and rainbow floats. They’re probably afraid the mosh pit will go from homoerotic to full on orgy.

Typical. So tell us more about yourself. Who is Lance, besides This Gay High School Kid In The News?

I photograph and video weddings. I also happen to be applying to college. I love the Chicago area.

It’s very nice this time of year! So what do you want to be when you grow up?

I don’t know. I like business. I like making content for people.

You’re a high school senior, you don’t have to know yet. So, you went to Mid-South Gay Pride, which was the same day as your Homecoming. What was that like, to suddenly be thrust into the spotlight as Celebrity Lance or whatever?

The gayest thing I’ve ever been to. I tried to stay out of the spotlight, but people kept recognizing me.

Maybe because you were holding a sign that said you were “Lance”:

Lance, at Mid-South Pride, with assorted ladyfolk. Not pictured: Yr Wonkette, who played hooky and ate Mexican food and watched college football instead, like a Common Heteronormative.
Lance, at Mid-South Pride, with assorted ladyfolk. Not pictured: Yr Wonkette, who played hooky and ate Mexican food and watched college football instead, like a Common Heteronormative.

Okay, so Lance, we need you to pledge to Wonkette that whatever happens, you will not let this attention go to your head. In fact, pledge to Lucy Lawless AKA Xena, who is a big Wonkette fan, that you will not let it go to your head. While you’re at it, Shonda Rhimes retweeted your Change.org petition. Pledge that THAT will not go to your head.

I pledge to everyone that under no circumstances will the attention go to my head more than a reasonable amount.

So one thing that’s gotten lost in a lot of the reporting on OTHER SITES, NO NAMES MENTIONED, is that you seem to really like your school, and the style of education offered there. Can you tell us a bit about that?

They [the administration] were very nice in my first couple years while the students weren’t. The faculty and administration supported me. Things have just changed as time goes on. I like the school, but I don’t know if I belong or if they want me there.

What was it like, coming out at Christian Brothers? How has that gone, in general?

It was different. As soon as one person knew, everyone knew. I was out in like a day. It went pretty well.

Ultimately, what’s the endgame here? What do you want to see happen at Christian Brothers?

I want them to change and improve their policies and how they handle everything. I want them to promote inclusion and make an effort to accept those with differences.

What do your parents think about all this craziness?

They’re afraid of what will happen next. They don’t want me to get kicked out and they want me to be able to get into college.

[Ed. Note: Wonkette is with Lance’s parents on this one, especially because being part of a media sensation like this can hit a kid hard. Keep your head about you, Lance, and stay focused on the future. That’s just some free advice, due to we have Life Experience.]

So, tell us about the guy you were going to bring. We don’t need his name or anything, but like, how long have you been dating and stuff?

It’s been a while, haha. He’s nice and supportive and a bit afraid of all the media attention, but hey, so am I.

Yup, it’s weird. So! What’s a song you would have liked to dance to at homecoming? We can post it on Wonkette and you can do homecoming here!

Hahahahahaha I can’t dance. But I think “Your Song” by Elton John is appropriately positive and uplifting.

YOU DON’T DANCE?!?! What are we media frenzy-ing about then? Oh that’s right. We remember high school. Okay, we will post “Your Song,” and we will all sway together, by the punchbowl, with our gay boyfriends.

END INTERVIEW! Wonkette thanks Lance Sanderson very muchly for talking at and with us! To Lance, remember the free advice we wrote at you. And to the Christian Brothers faculty and staff: Guys? Get it together. We’re pretty sure you’re better than this.

[Memphis Flyer]

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