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Bless my emotion-snot, Holy Father
Bless my emotion-snot, Holy Father

So just after the news broke this morning that John Boehner was Going Rogue like a half-term governor, the speculation about why was running wild in the Sekrit Wonkette ChatCave. A sexy affair? A campaign finance scandal? A “Dear John” letter from his liver? And then, while looking at the photos of John Boehner crying whiskey tears all over Pope Francis, it occurred to us that maybe the pope’s message to Congress on Thursday may have moved Boehner more than we knew:

chatcave screenshot boehner crop

Well darned if a short time later, we didn’t come across this series of tweets from Fox News congressional reporter Chad Pergram:

Screw you guys, I'm outta here
Screw you guys, I’m outta here

So Yr. Dok Zoom wins the Psychic Prediction prize (a bottle of scotch that he’ll have to buy himself), and now we know why Boehner was so teary yesterday — he had spirits moving in him:

So many spirits!
So many spirits!
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  • Rick Hill

    You haven’t made any predictions about the gop winning the general, have you?

  • If his story ends with him spending his life serving lunch in a soup kitchen or reading stories to cancer patients instead of cashing in and making millions as a consultant and lobbyist, then I might believe that he was moved by the good Lord instead of by mammon and rage.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      We’ll just wait until next year, when he’s hired by some firm on K street for bucks out the wazoo to spread his “influence” around.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        “How much Holy Spirit you got for me today, Boner? And when can you wire it to my SuperPAC’s offshore account?”

    • OneYieldRegular

      Giving the House of Representatives to Syrian refugees to use as shelter will be a nice gesture.

      • aureolaborealis

        Or just D.C. homeless people.

    • FlownOver

      Am I too late to suggest an “Orange Is the New ___________” Wonkontest?

      • riledupone

        Like “Orange is the new unemployed”?

    • nothingisamiss

      To be fair, mammon, rage and alcohol have not always led me to bad decisions in life.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Yuck it up, his replacement will be far more WTF.

    • whatwhomever

      The nutjobs at the values voters summit cheered hysterically when the announcement was made, so they certainly think so (and they think that’s a good thing. Think about that, won’t you? thank you).

    • arglebargle

      The double down party. You think we wuz batshit crazy before? Just wait till you see what we got waiting for ya. They tossed Eric Fucking Cantor to the curb for being to much of a compromising wussy.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        They’re going to draft Kim Davis.

        • riledupone

          I think she’s going to join someone’s campaign and that would give her an excuse to quit her job without seeming to give in. She said in an interview that the idea of her campaigning for someone was a “little-farfetched” . It sounded to me like she’s dropping a hint.

    • OneYieldRegular

      No kidding. These kids are all going to break a nail cat-fighting one another to be most conservative House Speaker EVER.

      • coozledad

        This would be a good time for them to permit concealed carry on the house floor.

        • nothingisamiss

          Why not open carry? What could go wrong?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Well, for one thing, my rep might be caught in the collateral damage, and I don’t want that to happen again.

          • david green

            I’ve got McClintock, so I’m willing to take the risk.

  • whatwhomever

    Is that why he was crying so much? The Holy Spirit is quite large, after all.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Stretch it out, stretch it out, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out!

    • OneYieldRegular

      “But they said there would be wine and crackers!”

  • ManchuCandidate

    Does getting the Holy Spirit make you more or less orange?

    /not Catholic not Oompahloompah/

    • Cismontane

      Well, there’s always the Orange Catholic Bible from Frank Herbert’s Dune books.. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orange_Catholic_Bible

    • Zippy

      yup, the Holy Spirit is actually Tang

      • Lascauxcaveman

        It’s not actually holy until you pour in the vodka.

  • Cismontane

    And in other news, China – yeah, those guys – just announced their brand new shiny emissions cap and trade program.. the same one that died for the US at Boehner’s hand. They just implemented OUR poilcy, that you, Orange John, killed in America. Epic fail, John. On this and so many other things. Epic. Fail.

    • docterry6973

      Nah. This proves that cap and trade has been a marxist socialist commie plan all along. Nazi too.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Also Muslin.

        • Vecciojohn

          Gay. Totally gay.

          • Zippy

            and Messican

          • DoILookAmused2u ?

            Illegally undocumented.

        • jmk

          And atheist…

          or should that be “athiest”?

      • calliecallie

        China caps carbon emissions like a girl!

    • BearGHAZI

      that’s not completely fair. The man is a first rate shambling alcoholic

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Well, regardless of the reason, the departure of this vile sack of pickled worthless horseshit is welcome.

    Now the question becomes what sack of worthless horseshit will take his place?

    • chazmanr

      Really?! The asylum has been completely turned over to the inmates. If you thought the House was dysfunctional under Boehner, wait to you see what it is like under a Tea Party speaker!

      • Zippy

        it’s gonna be an epic trainwreck

        • jmk

          Time to stock up on popcorn.

          • Querolous

            yup!

    • whatwhomever

      probably an even horseshittier one.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    You think the House is dysfunctional now?

    https://youtu.be/cFRk0FfaQi0

    • Only One-L can save us now.
      ~

      • LesBontemps

        Louie libel!

        • Land Shark

          uh wait … Louie has one “L”.

          Louie “Preznitial Tie” Gohmert is the new one “L”!!!11!!!1!

  • “Squeal Like A Pig!”
    ~

  • schmannity
    • Vecciojohn

      Whine and roses?

    • BearGHAZI

      “One order, hold the roses, thanks”

      -Boehner

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh please, the only Holy Spirit that moved him was a half empty bottle of Jim Beam.

  • DahBoner

    Holy Spirit

    Not Boner’s brand of Spirits…

    https://media2.giphy.com/media/exGfGaJiUxg9q/200w_d.gif

  • chazmanr

    The spirits of Jack Daniels moved Boehner.

  • Jenny

    Too bad the tea party nuts aren’t catholic, otherwise the Pope could have performed a miracle on them too.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Yeah, Catholics are often subject to having a conscience. I blame all those nuns and priests (the non-rapey ones) who actually devote their lives to charity and helping others. It’s getting awfully tough to be a Catholic Republican these days.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Somehow none of that seems to have penetrated the Randite skull of Paul Ryan.

        • nightmoth

          “Randite skull”—cool! That says it all! (totally borrowing)

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    And yet I notice it wasn’t enough spirit to move him to put any kind of clean energy legislation up for a vote.

  • Beezelbubbles

    Who would want Johnny Boy as a lobbyist? He couldn’t get anyone to vote the way he wanted when he was the #1 guy. All of the TPers will just point and do this:

    • MrBlobfish

      Wine & Spirits Wholesalers of America

      • Zippy

        Total Whiners

    • riledupone

      Spray-On Tan Lobby?

  • stankbait

    Lobbyest would be a good job for him.
    Have a few drinks daily with the people in congress and senate.
    Seamless transition.

  • LesBontemps

    Eeny meeny jelly beany, the spirits are about to speak!

    And when it comes to Boehner, the spirits are definitely talking!

    • chicken thief

      The shot(s) heard around the world!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Don’t suppose he heard the glugging water and decided “well, it’s about time I got off this ship, squeak squeak”

  • MrBlobfish

    How soon before the new guy is branded a RINO capitulator for not getting Obama to repeal ACA, approve XL pipeline, abolish IRS, ban abortion, etc?

    • Zippy

      long before the echo from the gavel making it official has faded…

  • jviscont1

    Deez Nuts for Speaker.

  • Zippy

    They tried to make me go to rehab but I said, ‘No, no, no.’

    • proudgrampa

      Reminds me of that line from another Wonketteer:
      “I didn’t care for cocaine, but I love how it smells.”

  • Joshua Norton

    He leaves behind a great legacy. A couple thousand votes to repeal Obamacare and a liquor bill larger than California’s economy.

    • Zippy

      Bartenders throughout the beltway are freaking out right now…

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Except the one who planned to kill him, right?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        But in Ohio, it’s more like this:

    • OzoneTom

      I’d love to see him bring up the immigration bill and pass it with Democratic votes.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        That’d be pretty cool. Hey, Johnny, why don’t you see how much damage you can do to the lunatic fringe on your way out? I know you hate their guts.

      • chicken thief

        That might be a deal Pelosi can make. After all, as I noted another thread, EVERYONE votes for the Speaker, not just the R’s, so Nancy and crew can totally fuck the GOP unless they get a little sumpin-sumpin in return.

    • BearGHAZI

      And that is why, every St Boehner’s Day, I pour a gallon of Carlos Rossi Burgundy into the rich autumn soil, so that our derp may be replenished

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Well, bless his heart.

  • jviscont1

    5 minutes into his presser and the hankie came out. Teardrops will fall.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Maybe Pope asked him to come to California, to cry us some rivers?

  • Boehner has always referred to himself as an idea man.

    Resigning is the best idea he’s had yet.

  • Zippy
    • Jenny

      That’s one of my face Stone’s songs. It’s perfect for Johnny

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So, which nervous breakdown is Boner on now? Surely something higher than 19th…

  • Oblios_Cap

    So Yr. Dok Zoom wins the Psychic Prediction prize (a bottle of scotch that he’ll have to buy himself)

    I’m always winning stuff and buying myself prizes, too, Dok.

    • Zippy

      sounds like the next drink thingy is at Dok’s place. I’ll call Brian…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        The hell with that. The next drink thingy is at Boner’s place.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Me too! Monday I won “Run into the curb parking,” and my prize was “a new tire.”

    • BattyKitch

      I won a prosciutto last week at the local fair. I never win anything (I wanted the bicycle) but it was OK anyway……

  • Bahhhdman

    He cries more than any adult male I’ve encountered, and I’m in the mental health industry.

    • jviscont1

      not sure the comparison of the mental stability of Congress to your patients is fair to your clients.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    What? He listens to spirits? Why didn’t we think of this before?

    https://makeupmag.com/wp-content/uploads/images/Pee-wee_Jambi_400px.jpg

    • OzoneTom

      “Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Hiney Ho!”

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Mekka Lekka Hi Mekka Chonny Ho!

    • Zippy

      Eenie meenie chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Are they friendly spirits?

        • r m reddicks

          I hear the swooooosh of flying squirrels.

          signed Boris Badenov. Hokey Smoke!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “All spirits are friendly spirits!” – John Boner

          • r m reddicks

            Depends on the proof.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Rectified spirits?

  • arglebargle

    Okay, someone has to say it…

    You know who else quit halfway through their term?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well, it was shy of the 500 year mark but… Hitler?

      • r m reddicks

        Quitters never win. Winners never quit! Ah, YKW where are you when you’re all around us? We have a people awaiting! Well, at least a bunch of people.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Tausendjähriges Reich that lasted a bit over 12 years.

        • bobbert

          Dolfjaehre — like dog years, only with a bigger multiplier.

    • jviscont1

      Edward VIII?

    • chicken thief

      Dick Cheney? Then he let Dubya be Preznit the second part?

    • r m reddicks

      Ethelred the Unready?

    • chicken thief

      The battery that wasn’t a Duracell?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Oooh, ooh, I know the answer to this one!

        ¡Heb!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Day: won.
    If only about 200 more would follow his lead, this country might be able to pull back from the brink.
    Wait, what? Gerrymandered safe Republican districts? The hell you say!
    Oh well.

  • mardam422

    To quote the wise Freshman oracle of Faber College…”Wow, is this GREAT!!”
    I mean, other that the release from the pit of hell of the crazies in the Republican caucus. Now, as a federal employee, I can look forward to some relaxing unpaid leave coming soon.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I thought Uncle Sam always made good on back pay after the grownups end the shutdowns?

      I thought that’s why these shutdowns always cost MORE than keeping the government funded in the usual way.

      • mardam422

        Well, yeah. But till the back pay comes…. And this could be a long one.

        • pollosmoky

          Isn’t it up to Congress to vote on whether they want to pay us after the fact? Maybe the Teabastards will demonstrate their good fiscal intentions by shutting down the gubmint and then saving money by not paying us.

          • mardam422

            My mortage company will be so happy.

          • david green

            And understanding also, too.

  • Callyson

    Nice work, Pope.

    Now, about Yertle…

    • MrBlobfish

      Papal voodoo does not work on Protestants.

      • WIDTAP

        You saying there are devils too strong to exorcise even with the Pope’s faith?

        • The Power of Christ Compels You!

          The Power of Christ Compels You!
          ~

        • r m reddicks

          It’s a Friedkin thing. Or possibly a Russell.

      • mardam422

        Nino is Catholic. I can tell. He has the marks of knitting needles on his knuckles.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Need to break out the extra-strength bottle for Nino.

    • drbloor

      I’d suggest sending him over to the SCOTUS building and going to work on Tony Scalia, but I’m afraid he’d go up in flames and turn to ashes if he laid hands on hizzoner.

      • mardam422

        And is that a bad thing? You’re talking about Nino spontaneously combusting, right?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Haha, and then Francis just shrugs his shoulders with a wry smile and says “Oh well, I tried.” (In Spanish, of course)

          • Bad Granny

            I think it translates to hijo de pinche puta.

  • timpundit

    So now we’ll get a real tea head.At least with Boner I felt he wasn’t a true believer.

  • Brother Yam

    Pelosi probably told him that she wasn’t going to try and wrangle Dem votes for him any more and he realized that the Teahadis were going to pillory him.

    • bookish

      Death by a thousand cuts from his own party.

  • Metadude

    Hmmm…open seat…any Wonkers live in his district? They could not possibly be worse.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    He never really had any credibility to speak of, and lost what little there was with that whiny executive order lawsuit.

    EDIT: That should surely be his epitaph!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Pizza Rat for Speaker!

    • Msgr_Moment

      He’s already achieved more than this Congress.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        And prolly only drinks half as much.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        He is their role model for welfare reform.

        • Msgr_Moment

          GOP Trixie will write an essay about how she’d totally fuck Pizza Rat

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person
    • Milkshake Squirrel for Speaker!

  • r m reddicks

    Be careful of what you wish for. And then some of that devil you know stuff.

    • mardam422

      Yep. This could turn into quite a disaster. And not just for Republicans.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Especially if the ‘Baggers get their wish. Gohmert would make such a wonderful Speaker…

      • r m reddicks

        Capisco. But the disaster is always fun to watch.

        Schadenfreude has it’s delights.

        • mardam422

          Fun to watch, but the pieces of the wreckage are gonna be hell to clean up.

  • Poly_Ester

    I think that John’s tan is actually jaundice.

    • Angry_Cop

      In all seriousness, I think it’s to COVER jaundice. He looked violently ill yesterday. But he may have had some stuff on his mind.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        There may very well be some sort of hidden reason for this sudden departure, a scandal so monstrous that the entire GOP would be enveloped in it if word ever got out.

        • Lefty Frizzell

          I hear that the whole congress wasted taxpayers money for years with 50+ votes and a shutdown to repeal Obamacare, while blocking immigration, gun reform, infrastructure spending and first responders benefits votes, accomplishing almost nothing the entire time except breaking the sequester specifically to get flights running for one of the dozen fucking holidays they take each year.

          That sort of scandal?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            No, a REAL scandal…one involving a dead girl or a live boy.

          • Tallmutha

            On which the entire GOP pulled the world’s longest train? I thought that was a chicken.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            I wouldn’t put it past them…but, in the words of The Donald, something YOOOOUGE!

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Not to sound too alarming amid all this speculation about the exact chain of events and who may or may not be the next Speaker, but does anyone know where Ted Cruz is right now?

    • chicken thief

      In other puzzling news, my goat just came home with a bleeding asshole.

      • Land Shark

        Do you know where your chickens are?

  • WiscoJoe

    Boehner spent most of his congressional career trying to get a Pope to address Congress.

    Boehner finally gets his wish, only to see the Pope use the opportunity to criticize capitalism, to promote social justice, and to call for government to unite around the common good.

    That’s got to be rough.

    http://big.assets.huffingtonpost.com/exorcismholywaterunpure.gif

    • jmk

      Exhibit 4887146175687 in the “Careful What You Wish For” category.

      • WiscoJoe

        It’s like ‘The Monkey Paw’ but with a happy ending (for everyone else).

  • 7-11’s Hostage

    Redemption, Love Conquers All, etc– these things are endlessly marketable, I’ve learned. If you don’t have a wedding to pull in the viewers, a Redemption Story will stand in its place as far as ratings go.

    In other related news: Netflix has ordered more Black Mirror episodes. Also, TLC will air 2 or 3 Very Special Episodes about The Duggars. (You’d think I was part of their PR team, wouldn’t you? But no, no, I am not a part of their PR team. The newest strategy seems to be, instead of outright terrorizing, “Kill With Kindness” but kill all the same.)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh the Duggar thing was old news around here yesterday afternoon, so you need not worry about the taint of TLC’s PR team.

      • 7-11’s Hostage

        All of that corporate greed and lawlessness running amok. Do you think the NY Times is as good at apologizing as the are at, say, exposing the injustices of nail salons?

        http://www.nytimes.com/2015/09/25/opinion/dewey-cheatem-howe.html

        “There are, it turns out, people in the corporate world who will do whatever it takes, including fraud that kills people, in order to make a buck. And we need effective regulation to police that kind of bad behavior, not least so that ethical businesspeople aren’t at a disadvantage when competing with less scrupulous types. But we knew that, right?”

        Let that sink in: “including fraud that kills people.” Out in the open. Far-reaching and eager collusion. For what? To save face, but only if it doesn’t get in the way of making yet another dollar.

        “So what has been happening lately is an attempt to redress that imbalance, to replace knee-jerk opposition to regulation with the judicious use of regulation where there is good reason to believe that businesses might act in destructive ways. Will we see this effort continue?”

        I’ve been asking that same question for two years. I have yet to receive justice. (Oh, I meant an answer. I have yet to receive an answer.) Hope, like triumph over adversity, is a story Hollywood can’t get enough of.

  • nightmoth

    Listen up, you fellow cynical bastards: just found this at TIME–“House Speaker John Boehner, who is Catholic and has long held a dream for a Pope to visit Congress–” So, maybe, just maybe, Dok is not dreaming and the Pope got through to the old boy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Perhaps Francis took him aside and said something along the lines of “If you care at all for your immortal soul, Juan, you had better straighten up and fly right (and not politically right)”

      • r m reddicks

        Or said, “You know, you’re an absolute fuck. In so many ways.” Maybe kinder spoken of a fashion.

        • Beezelbubbles

          “Leave now, or you’ll wake up with a horse head in the morning.”

      • Hutch

        Nice little immortal soul you’ve got there. Be a shame if there were no plenary indulgences handy for ya Johnny.

      • marxalot

        “Look, John, you’re hurting people. And you’ve let yourself get involved with people who want to hurt more people. Who like hurting people, who think it’s good. They hurt you, too. Maybe it’s time to go home.”

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I didn’t realize that “barnburner” meant the same thing as “shitshow.”

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    So many spirits!

    Oh, distill my heart…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I beer him no ill will.

      • chicken thief

        I’m still trying to gin up some sympathy for him.

        • This is what happens when too many congresscritters are absinthe and unable to vote.

          • Annie Towne

            He was champagne at the bit to leave.

          • This is sure to have a Ripple effect on DC.

          • Suse

            He’s taking the Night Train back to Ohio.

          • Tansy Geek

            He’s leaving the House high and rye.

        • jmk

          He does wine a lot.

        • doktorzoom

          Don’t bother, he’s just another Washington incider.

        • riledupone

          The change will be a tonic for him.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Oh, great yet another pun thread being brandied about.

        • chicken thief

          Hard to keep it bottled up, you know.

          • r m reddicks

            Put a cork in it.

        • Querolous

          But now the days are short, I’m in the autumn of my years

          And I think of my life as vintage wine

          From fine old kegs

          From the brim to the dregs

          It poured sweet and clear

          It was a very good year

          Read more: Frank Sinatra – It Was A Very Good Year Lyrics | MetroLyrics

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        I barley knew him.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        If he’s leavin’ he better hops to it!

        • Tansy Geek

          He thought it was a good time to vermouth.

    • bord neaux.

  • WiscoJoe

    Wait, so Boehner actually sang ‘Zipp-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ at his press conference?

    The man left office whistling Dixie.

  • azeyote

    if he takes a lobby job – i hope it’s not with the wine industry – mucho vineyards here in S Oregon and i don’t want to slip on all those sloppy quitter tears –

    • Tansy Geek

      He looks like bourbon or rye kind of guy. Maybe an occasional Mint Julep with a screwdriver chaser. And a beer mouthwash.

  • Takoma DC

    Candy is Dandy
    But
    Liquor is Quitter

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      My Speaker’s all likkered up!

  • I understand Boehner has already spent some much deserved vacation time fishing and relaxing with a buddy:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r0IQCLQDfKw

    (Full Disclosure: Mainly an excuse to post this ridiculous but somehow mesmerizing video. PETA Pals can relax: the guy states he wound up contacting the Coast Guard and they assured him the sun fish was fine and to simply leave it da fuck alone, which he says he did.)

    • natoslug

      Damn. How drunk/stoned were these guys?

    • JaaaaaCeeeee

      But John Boehner knows, like our intrepid fisherman, that there is still meat that is good on the white whale that Boehner will be back for, after a year.

    • LadyLaz

      Omg . Hilarious

  • Playonwords

    Dok and Kaili, have you ever heard the Michael Bentine sketch, the Toastmaster?
    https://youtu.be/qN5SndfWBYw (audio only)

  • beatbort

    If he really wants to live up to his pope’s expectations, he will now spend the rest of his life denouncing the corruption and greed in DC. Chances of that happening are about as good as the Red Sox winning the World Series this year.

    • Tansy Geek

      Weirder shit has happened, but not for the Sox, they’re toast.

      • marxalot

        Meanwhile, the Chicago frickin’ Cubs are 89-64, with a better than decent shot at the wild card.
        We’re living in the End Times, people! Pack it up! Smoke ’em if you got ’em!

        • i am ready for wrigleyville to go back to its relative winter solitude however.

          that makes me a really bad person i know.

    • grmpy

      And what better way to do that than working as a lobbyist. Good for boner for finding religion or something

  • eddi

    Boehner got religion?! I’ve seen this before. He will regret his decision when he sobers up and swear blind he didn’t mean it.

  • No doubt the Pope’s speech had something to do with this. As Boehner sat and wept behind the Pope at yesterday’s address to Congress, Boehner decided he didn’t want to go to Hell! http://moronmajority.com/pope-speaks-while-boehner-sobs/

  • Nope, still think it’s a dead rentboy.

  • WIDTAP

    Ok, it takes three miracles to qualify for sainthood. Boehner is Number 1 (the only time you will see that statement in Wonkette). Now we find that Kim Davis has converted to Republicanism. If Bill Maher switches back to the Catholic Church, Frank’s got the trifecta and we have a new Americas saint.

    • Takoma DC

      No. Kim Davis gets called to her Creator.

  • Takoma DC

    Maybe it was the abortion Boehner got in ’76? Or the acid dropped in ’69? The absence of Cantor’s touch? The raising of the debt ceiling in ’03, ’04, ’05, ’06, ’07, ’08, ’09, ’10, ’11, ’12, ’13, ’14, ’15? Or maybe voting for wars and the thousands who’ve perished and the thousands who’ve return wounded?

  • Portia McGonagal

    Maybe the Pope heard his confession and gave him such stink eye and said ” can’t help you my son…you need to go”

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I’m pretty sure this is his final “fuck you – all of you” to the insane teabaggers in his own party. He wants no part of the next pointless, GOP-destroying government shutdown.

    • i would bet my car on this.

  • malsperanza

    I made this yesterday. I’m taking requests for Boehner versions.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Are you drinkin’ with me, Francis
    I can’t see you very clear…

    • Robert Slack

      There’s always room for Jello… Biafra

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    You know, if Pope Francis can make him see the rancid cesspool he’s helped create, one would hope his holi-dude would have impressed upon him the importance of making things GOOD. Which was the entire point of his message. It was basically a big “Fucking knock it off and try doing something good for people, you assholes” But in nice nice pope speak.

    So, +10 for being moved to recognize that you were stuck in a slime pit of hell, but -100000 for not building a ladder to help the people stuck in there with you get out as well.

    • david green

      Well, if we see him out helping Jimmy Carter build a house, we will be able to credit New Pope with his first miracle – one step toward sainthood.

  • VandeGraf

    Bye, bye, John. Wished we hardly knew ye.

  • richardgrabman

    I’m not a complete cynic, but I’ll believe the Pope’s speech convinced Boehner to resign ONLY if he joins the Catholic Workers or enters a Trappist monastery. Opus Dei doesn’t count.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Bye, Johnny boy. Your replacement will make us miss you.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Being a native Ohioan, I’m actually allowed to refer to him as boner, and I do. Often.

  • Takoma DC

    I thought Graham or Jindal were next to drop out? Oh how that Ghost likes to spice it up for us earthlings!

  • r_dale

    All the spirits!

  • Alex Grey

    The schadenfreude, how can I contain it!?!?

  • Capt.Jim

    Spirits moving in John is nothing new they have coursed through his veins for years,surprises me the liver and brain have not already left the building afore now.He will probably get a lobbying job for Jim Beam and soon it will Bourbon instead of milk for breakfast in every school in Merica

  • Darkman

    He felt guilt ridden because of all the bullshit he knows obama keeps from americans.

    • Chupacabra

      I think I understood that sentence…
      Like what, exactly? Do you have any proof, Darkman? I keep hearing about these horrible things Obama has done, but nobody will tell me what they are.

      • david green

        Think, Chupacabra, think. If Darkman were to reveal all of those secret Obama sins, Obama would have him whacked by a black ops team. You are asking him to put his life in danger.

      • Darkman

        You do not have to hear about it. You can see it on CNN,read about it on the internet,read about it in the newspaper! My God man where are you keeping yourself?

        • Chupacabra

          I watched CNN and found nothing. I read the newspaper and found nothing. The Internet is a really big place, where exactly can I find these bullshits?

    • William_C_Diaz

      Im sure that once the nice men in white coats come to help you that everything will be just fine. Probably nothing more than a mild case of tinfoil toxicity and contrail poisoning.

      Have a great day!

  • Heidi Berry
  • Thomas Mc

    I’m not buying it, Boehner never showed any sign of having a soul before.

    He was just drunk. Again.

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