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THANK YOU JESUS FOR MY POPE PRESENT!
THANK YOU JESUS FOR LETTING THE POPE COME VISIT!

Everybody knows two things about John Boehner. For one, he cries SO MUCH. Like all the time, about any old fucking thing. Eyelash in his hoo-ha? TEARS. Something about Australia? BOO HOO! Nancy Pelosi said a mean to him? Gonna have to call in “FEELINGS” to work today!

The other thing is that he’s an alcoholic, according to the top secret Clinton emails, and also according to would you just LOOK at him? Jesus.

So, did weepy alcoholic Catholic John Boehner cry all over the pope Thursday? Haha, is the pope Catholic? (Rhetorical question, wingnuts. We know you don’t believe he is.) The Hill reports that the pope’s visit took Boehner to his extra teary place for a reason, or maybe he was just drunk and The Hill is trying to be nice:

The Ohio Republican appeared nervous as he shook his arms back and forth while waiting for the pontiff to enter his ceremonial office off the House floor. He told people waiting in the room that the visit was a “big deal” for him.

“Your holiness, welcome, really glad that you’re here,” Boehner told Francis as he entered the room.

Boehner’s eyes moistened as the pope told him he was glad to be there, too.

The Speaker told the pope his staff urged him to wear a green tie for the occasion. Francis, through an interpreter, told Boehner, “it’s a tie with the color of hope.”

“I need a lot of hope today,” Boehner replied.

Yeah, don’t care, let’s get to the pictures. Here’s John Boehner crying as he wonders if he remembered to buy Bailey’s for his coffee.

boehner6

Seriously, these are all just going to be screengrabs of the AMAZING cry faces Boehner made over the course of 18 seconds. Boehner nods to himself, remembering that yes, he did get the Bailey’s. Praise Jesus!

boehner1

This is where he jizz-crapped his pants a little bit (ALLEGEDLY):

boehner2

Yep. It was a #2, and now he’s embarrassed. BETTER CRY MORE.

boehner3

Pope Nice-Nice said a good thing. I am going to get so drunk in a minute after I change Pull-Ups!

boehner4

But first I have to clap for Pope Nice-Nice:

boehner5

All right, all right, pull it together, Boehner! Gotta get through this.

boehner8

Whew! He made it! Of course we don’t mean he made it without crying, we just mean he made it 18 whole seconds, and he blubbered the whole time.

For a bonus, here’s a picture of John Boehner crying another time, about golf we think:

boehners1

That was nice. Never change, John Boehner.

[The Hill]

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  • coozledad

    When he reached into his jacket I thought he was going to pull out a jar of Georgia Moon.

    • Brendan_M

      He prefers Merlot.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        He’s not even a good drunk.

  • dslindc

    LOL. Now do one of Lindsey Graham getting the vapors.

  • Isn’t that just the worst? You try your whole life to be a good little Catholic boy, and then when you finally meet the Pope you’re all emotional because you’re bleeding from your wherever.

    • stankbait

      No, the worst is that Cardinal Dolan. The guy who paid the child rapist in the deaf school in Milwaukee to just go and walk away. $ Thousands. That piece of shit had himself between the pope and the camera all afternoon yesterday. Imagine Rush Limbaugh in a Cardinal costume.
      He’ll probably have his ass face in the frame all day today again. Francis is still surrounded by that which he fights to rid the church.

      • LarkintheAM

        Word.

      • BearGHAZI

        OOOOOOH don’t even say his name I hate him so much

  • geoffalnutt

    Golf affects me exactly the same way.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Yeah, bored to tears. All the exercise of mahjong, but none of the excitement.

      • Vecciojohn

        But you do get to pal around with old white guys, so there’s that.

  • goonemeritus

    John really wanted a ride in the Pope mobile.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      No room in the Fiat!

  • Beowoof14

    His tears were because the bar was closed.

    • MrBlobfish

      Don’t worry. He has a flask in his breast pocket. And in his back pocket. And in his sock. Plus there’s the emergency flask in his underwear.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        He ought to just give up on sneaking around and wear one of those sports construction hats with the booze and drinking tube strapped to it.

      • Doug Langley

        You know those rumors that his huge mallet is hollow?

      • blaid droog

        A cupla days late but I is a slow reader on acountta I duz a lottaa drugz. I likes peepulz wiilling to stomp on a asshole when he iz down on de ground bleeding crocotears from his prolapsed asshole. I bet his reserve flask iis really a750ml glass bottle shoved up his stretched out asshole.

  • memzilla

    Orangey should be crying over the unchristianness of every vile position the Rethuglicans have taken under his aegis of fuckery.

    • coozledad

      Pope tole him they ain’t no bars in limbo.

      • calliecallie

        No limbo bars? How low can you get?

        • LarkintheAM

          There’s my morning guffaw!

        • chicken thief

          You really bent over backwards for that one.

        • Doug Langley

          Let’s see you wiggle your way out of this one.

    • That awkward moment when you meet the Pope and realize you actually believe in Hell and you’re probably going there.

  • Ryan Denniston

    He looks like he just snorted a rail in that first one.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Boy I can’t get over the contrast to Kevin McCarthy, who appears to be an exhibit at Madame Tussauds.

  • calliecallie

    If I had to work with those Congresscritters I’d drink too.

  • Hollywooddeed

    I kinda like that we can always count on Tammy Faye Boehner to squirt out some orange tears. So shut up.

  • coozledad

    The Speaker told the pope his staff urged him to wear a green tie for the occasion. Francis, through an interpreter, told Boehner, “Good call. You want something that doesn’t show puke.”

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      “Furthermore, brown underwear.”

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I was going to make a comment about drinking his cry baby tears, but I heard that drinking alcoholic beverages before 12 noon was frowned upon

    • Oblios_Cap

      Crap! I’ve been doing it wrong all these years.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    I’ve been to funerals with less crying.

    • coozledad

      Not Boehner’s obviously.
      ‘It was somethin’ else. not a damp eye in the whole chapel.”

  • LarkintheAM

    In the spirit of Christian Charity engendered by the Pope, perhaps we should feel sorry for John Boehner. *thinks for moment* Nah. He deserves as much charity as he gives to the real unfortunates of this world: none.

  • speed racer

    Speaker Boehner weeps at French films too.

    • beatbort

      And Jerry Lewis films, especially if they’ve been dubbed in French.

      • LesBontemps

        So do I, but for a different reason, I think.

    • Doug Langley

      Because he can’t understand French.

  • elpinche

    Even the Pope is thinking , “Jesus fucking christ, get a grip asshole.”

    • Michael Smith

      He probably called his intern over when they got away for a minute and was like “Who was that crying orange man we were with? Did I say something to offend him? You don’t know either? Well, go and google it, it is probably on social media already.”

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        “See what Wonkette has to say about him. They are usually spot on when it comes to Republicans.”

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          “Just don’t go thinking they’re going to allow you to comment just because you’re the Pope and shit”.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I making am average of $97 per hour Poping, or axpoxmatley one millions lira per annual.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Are you able to Pope from home?

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            On a Pope-portable keyboard.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Am yesterday bought used black Fiat!

          • OneYieldRegular

            Italy no longer uses the lira, but if it were, it would be more like “one hundred million lira per hour, or approximately $97 per annual.”

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            :-)

  • Michael Smith

    Boehner’s not going to be winning many friends in GOP base by being so happy about the Pope’s being here. And being hammered is not an excuse. Look at that Boehner, all excited to see a guy who says that climate change is happening and stuff. If Trump were President, he would slug that Pope in the kisser.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I was watching Boner’s face during the Pope’s speech. He had the look of a man who had been very badly constipated for a week.

  • dshwa

    To be fair to Boehner, if I had to deal with the Republican “Freedom caucus” every day I’d be crying and/or drunk all the time too.

    • Dorothy Nelson

      This. I like to think that if he weren’t held hostage by the Nut-A-Loon wing of the Nutzi Party, he’d actually be a decent legislator.

      • Rick Hill

        Unnnn maybe. Hard to say. If the entire party weren’t held hostage and it were more like it was pre-90s, maybe….

  • beatbort

    Watching Boehner yesterday, I kept thinking of that character from the film version of “Slaughterhouse 5” who said, of Billy Pilgrim, “I could carve a better man out of a banana.”

  • DerrickWildcat

    I think it’s ok for a guy to cry. There’s nothing wrong with it. I cried when Neelix left Voyager. I also cried many times watching, Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares.

    • Jellin027

      I agree. I think more men should cry if they feel like. It’s about one of the only things I actually liked about the guy – it made him seem a little more human.

    • david green

      Neelix left Voyager? When did that happen?

  • BeliTsari

    How DOES one get orange Merlot tears out of silk, anyway? Just KNEW the pontiff should’a worn a butcher’s apron, or Gus Fring’s Helly Hansen Mandal/ Tvedestrand coveralls?

  • Lord-Nash

    You forgot one of the pictures…

  • 24601
  • Tallmutha

    What really made him cry was when the Pope told Congress they should deal with climate change:

    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CPrIvWTUAAA7jmQ.jpg

  • handyhippie65

    breaking news! cry babby boehner just quit! i wonder what butt nugget they will get to replace him?

  • Rick Hill

    Looks as though he looks to the heavens in a hope he will not be smitten by gawd….

  • 24601

    Politico reports 16 minutes ago that Boehner is retiring from Congress at the end of October.(!)

    • BeliTsari

      Tragic and totally unforeseen turkey hunting-accident to ensue in 5, 4, 3, 2…

    • Vecciojohn

      Happy Halloween, everybody!

  • Tallmutha

    Actually I think he wore the green tie because it picked up the color of his gills.

  • Brazilian Fart Porn
    • Antimassacree

      To spend more time with Johnny Walker (…and his family)?

  • MrBlobfish

    I Laughed, I Cried! It Was Better Than Cats!
    I’m going to see the Pope again and again!

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    Maybe he’s just resigned to dying in a puddle of his own puke.

  • tomamitai
  • Vegan and Tiara

    I can never figure out if he self medicates because he’s clinically depressed, or if he self medicates because he’s clinically depressed because he works with a bunch of freakin’ A-hole Teabaggers.

    • dshwa

      Yes.

  • Not to disparage any sweet old Andy Gumps (which I’m rapidly becoming) around here, but my experience with old men who burst into tears at the drop of a hat are typically narcissistic old drunken bastards who want everybody to be sorry for them for how bad they feel about what dicks they were (and still are).

    • OneDemin EOr

      You are so right about that!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Boehner has announced he will quit in October, so he is going to push through a funding bill without defunding Planned Parenthood.

    And then then crazier folks take over.

    • sillyclucker

      Damn. Thanks, Boehner. Never thought I’d say that.

      • Luke

        I have the foreboding feeling things in the house are gonna get a hundred times worse in the year to come.

  • DahBoner
  • Oblios_Cap

    Green is the color of hope? Again with the climate change talk!

  • diogenez

    The pope made him resign?!?

    • LesBontemps

      Having pointed out his failures as a leader and an alleged human, he really had no choice.

    • DahBoner

      The Pope actually said “take the rest of the day off HA!”, but Boner overreacted….

      • chicken thief

        The literal translation of the Pope’s advice to John was “come back when you sober up”. Hence….

  • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

    Kinda sweet. Reminds you that he’s at least part human. Maybe he now knows why we humans cry.

    • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

      I just saw that he resigned. Pretty badass.

    • blaid droog

      Please. What part of that asshole do you believe is even remotely human?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Boehner is resigning! Look at what you did, now, Wonkerati. You’ve hounded him out of office. http://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/house-speaker-john-boehner-resigning?cid=sm_fb_maddow

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      I am pretty sure that is him knowing his own party and resolving to avoid another shutdown over Planned Parenthood, so we’re getting John “Nothing left to lose” Boehner showing a defiant act of leadership.

  • Angry_Cop

    We know why he’s crying now!

    Gotta say, I honestly don’t see anything good about this. Boehner was willing to make deals to keep the government open for business.

    The next guy will not be.

    • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

      Right. It’s actually pretty telling that someone like him is fed up with his party because they refuse to get anything done. He worked pretty closely with Obama on the budget approval fiasco a few years ago.

      • Dorothy Nelson

        I really do believe he’d have been a decent legislator if the GOP political climate weren’t so batshit crazy.

        • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

          I agree — the Tea Party ruined that.

          • OneDemin EOr

            Maybe I’d be more sympathetic if he hadn’t encouraged that whole mess to be part of the GOP in the first place. Those idiots should have been marginalized rather than welcomed. Ever since, that 20% of the party has been throwing a wrench in everything both parties have been trying to accomplish.
            The Repugs are reaping what they’ve sown.

          • Luke

            You gotta realize they were gonna get in no matter what, they’re backed by the richest donors of the Republican party. I think boehner was hoping he’d be able to keep them from going complete batsh*t crazy. Sadly he was wrong.

        • blaid droog

          You give him far too much credit. Maybe you also believe W would have been a great prez if only saddam hadn’t forced him into a war

          • Dorothy Nelson

            Uh, yeah, NO. Boner strikes me as the kind of guy who’d go out for drinks with Tip O’Neill after getting some reasonable stuff done in Congress.

          • yup. always thought this.

  • cheetojeebus

    Boehktober!

    • VirginiaLady

      No. Isn’t one Halloween enough?

  • Tallmutha

    October doesn’t leave him much time to serve in office with no fucks left to give.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Just enough time to push through a clean funding bill without pretending those Planned Parenthood videos are a real thing.

      At which time, the nutburgers would want his head on a pole anyway.

      A defiant last act.

  • Blackest Noobs

    maybe the Speaker was so moved by the Pope, he decided he need to go with his conscious, and quit this rat race….

  • chicken thief

    Now that John is quitting maybe he can team up on Facebook with that other well known quitter.

  • VirginiaLady

    So this pope really can get rid of the demonic. How many other GOPers will drive their cars off cliffs and into the sea this weekend?

    • Doug Langley

      Now that you mention it, Boehner does remind me of Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

      • eddi

        Except his resignation has other people’s heads spinning.

    • blaid droog

      Not as many as you would hope for.

    • OneDemin EOr

      Your comment is priceless!

  • marxalot

    Some of his crying faces look like the Donald’s pant-hoot challenge faces.

  • Mavenmaven

    He is crying Cruz tears.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    So Kevin “The Stiff” McCarthy becomes the new Speaker. Unfortunately, he is not the late actor Kevin McCarthy. Anybody know anything about him?

    • “You’re next! They’re here already!”

    • cmb

      If the Baggers don’t want Boehner, why would they want his right-hand man from California?

    • Goposaur

      I liked him in Innerspace.

    • OneDemin EOr

      Read a bit about him. Including the nugget that Kevin Spacey shadowed him to prepare for “House of Cards”. McCarthy’s supposed to be whipping votes already.
      Wonder if he whacks his military school ring on his desktop?

  • OddMan

    I think the visit by the Pope really got to Crying John. Something in him finally said, “I can’t take this bullshit any more”. He knew right then he was going to quit congress.
    I hate to say this but Crying John might have a bit of humanity in him.
    I really do wish him well, and heaven help the GOP with fuckin’ Kevin McCarthy in charge.

  • blaid droog

    Evan, could you have possibly been any more cruel to boner? Yes, I definitely think you could have been. Try harder from now on.

  • Cismontane

    Did Wonkette’s timely mockery in this post here prompt the speaker’s resignation? I’m just sayin’….

  • BearGHAZI

    Back when I was an unemployed drunk I cried a lot too!

  • George Gallagher

    John Boehner (Captain RINO) is on his way out…don’t let the door hit you in the rump! …good riddance to this NWO Bankster stooge…See you at the next Bilderberg/CFR meeting…you traitorous criminal..Oh love the Orange skin…not!

  • MaxUdargo

    I laughed so hard I cried. Irony!

  • Dog Gone

    Seemed like more than usual to scroll past to comment..

    Blubbering Boehner is like Boo-hoo Glenn Beck; I think they cry because they are liars and scam artists, and expect to be called on it any minute.

    I see Boehner is resigning at the end of next month. How apt that the orange man quits on the day /date characterized by black and orange and pumpkins and stupid superstition.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Bailey’s in coffee is freaking awesome. I had it this morning. If Boehner likes it, this would be the first instance known to me of him exercising good judgment.

    • SisterArtemis

      Baileys, the best substitute when you’re out of half-n-half.
      Or not.

  • Michael Glawson

    The line between clever satire and cruelty is one professional journalists should know how to keep on the classy side of. What a shame.

    • Lucinda Ward

      +1

    • Mintie

      He started it . . .

    • fredfnord

      At some point, for most people, it becomes impossible to sustain empathy BOTH for a mass murderer AND for his victims. Congrats, Mother Theresa, you’re a better man than I am.

      Well, this is assuming that you have boundless empathy for his victims too. What’s that? Your only other comment is about how we shouldn’t be concerned by the fact that there is a staggering amount of feces in our food?

      Ah, I see. So the rule for professional journalists that you would advocate is ‘only punch up *gently*, but stamp down as hard as you like’. Thanks. We’ll make a note of that, sparky.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I actually like John Boehner best when he’s crying. But then, like Jekyll turning into Hyde, he always goes back to being not-crying John Boehner.

  • Gunther Montez

    I’m not a fan of Boehner’s, but you are a classless twit. The world needs more men who are strong enough to show emotion. I know you were hoping for a consensus of snickering half wits to side with you in your immaturity. Instead, I hope intelligent people avoid you and jump ship. Grow the fuck up.

    • blaid droog

      Obviously you are unaware of the purpose of this mommy blog. It is really the slaughterhouse where sacred cows come to be eviscerated. Sleazy dog turds like boner with their faux compassion are usually ripped to pieces on this site. That pile of shit passing as a human deserves all the scorn and ridicule that can be heaped upon his drunken brain dead self. You should maybe go visit some site where your apologia for that sodden hypocrite will actually be appreciated. I would suggest not so bright bart or perhaps a site with a daily jesus fest. You know in your heart that you do not belong here with the likes of us snickering half wits. I find Evan to be totally amusing and totes spot on with his mockery of da boner. His own party hates that asshole.

      • OneDemin EOr

        Excellent takedown blaid, I salute you!

      • Luke

        Very classless blain. Boehner is a man in one of the most stressful positions of the known universe, presiding over the insane house of reps. I hope the pope told him what you feel in heart is God’s truth and he should follow that. Then he quits that viper nest the next day.

        • blaid droog

          If you are even remotely familiar with the movie “Airplane” you will be aware of one of my favorite quotes. To paraphrase a bit. The asshole bought his ticket, let him crash. The stupid motherfucker sought his office. No one held a gun to his head and forced him to run for office. Any pain,suffering or ridicule that has come his way has been richly deserved. Keep in mind that as long as his useless drunken ass is alive we will all be paying for his continued existence. I would like my tax dollars spent on some worthy cause definitely not on that sick twisted brain dead soulless husk of a pretend human being.

          • Luke

            Lol I concede to your point but I still feel empathy for the guy.

          • blaid droog

            Danke schoen…oops wrong pope …muchas gracias

      • NoirGuy

        Got it.

      • Works for me.

    • Luke

      I’m with you gunther. Boehner deserves some space on this one.

    • LegionOfDo

      Sorry chief, but Republicans get no sympathy from me. Until they grow up and learn to become decent human beings, they are only worthy of ridicule. You are dismissed.

      • NoirGuy

        Happy to be dismissed from this heartless group. I agree with your politics, but take exception to your expression.

  • Stein Olsen
  • Like John the Roofer said “Drunks don’t cry. They vomit through their eyeballs.”

  • Heidi Berry
  • Todd Schneider

    I just read article from phycologist that said his crying is not about compassion or empathy but totally about himself. I have cried on many occasions from movies to speeches. And I do cry when I’m stressed or recollecting past experiences. All of John’s tears are about himself. How he got to where he is from a middle class childhood. These are all narcissistic tears. Self absorbed and I think he needed to control himself in public. Self control goes a long way describing a persons character. I would rather have someone laughing all the time then crying about one owns self. What a looser!

    • blaid droog

      You’re a day or two late with this comment but that’s ok because some of us are late reading all of them. The thing I hate most about boner is he caused me to make an ass of myself writing hateful comments on a mommy blog that doesn’t even allow comments. Your comment is great without even being hateful. Kudos.

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