Sad Jebbers is sadness.
Sad Jebbers is sadness.

So, what’s really going on with the Republicans? Scott Walker — who ALL THE THINKY HEADS used to say was going to be first runner-up to the presidency (behind Hillary Clinton, obviously), even though we TOLD YOU that was never going to happen — has gone to live on a farm with Rick Perry, where they are currently sniffing each other’s butts and humping each other and sniffing each other’s butts some more. Don’t worry, they’re happy there! And Donald Trump has been all Mr. YOOOOOGE frontrunner, but nipping on his heels have been Ben “ZZZZZZ” Carson and Carly “Fucking Liar” Fiorina. So again, what’s really going on?

Well, here is a thing that is going on. Public Policy Polling released a new poll of Iowa voters, and there is some news in it, which is best understood in the context of the popular children’s Sunday School game “Fuck/Marry/Kill.”



PPP’s new Iowa poll finds Donald Trump continuing to lead in the state with 24% to 17% for Ben Carson, and 13% for Carly Fiorina.


Trump is doing pretty poorly in head to head match ups in Iowa, and that’s something to keep an eye on as more people drop out of the race. … [H]e trails Carson 60/33, Fiorina 54/36, Rubio 53/38, and he trailed Walker 51/37.

Ohhhh. Iowa Republican wingnut voters be fuckin’ Donald Trump. They’re grabbing him by the bill of his “Make America Great Again” hat  — for balance, because they are Olds — and they are ridin’ him HARD. OOH, when he says a mean to a Mexican, that’s so hot baby. MMMMMM, say that thing about Megyn Kelly bleeding from her wherevers again, ooh yeah. Build that wall. Build it! YOOOOOOOOOOOGE! And then everybody has an orgasm and dies, because again, they are Iowa Olds, who got all their previous orgasms from the Butter Cow at the Iowa State Fair and are thus not used to such intensity.


That second block quote right there tho’. In a FOR REAL race, between two vaguely human Republican candidates, Trump loses to three of his nearest competitors in overall polling. Which means that, despite what you may have heard (if you have heard this, the person who told you it is A Idiot), primary voters of EITHER party don’t vote based solely on who makes them spring wood in their granny panties, but they also consider electability overall. They know Trump ain’t gonna be president of nothin’, at least on some level. So for right now, they are willing to gay-marry Ben Carson, Carly Fiorina or Marco Rubio, but they’ll still be fantasizing about Donald Trump when they perfunctorily sex their winning candidate.


Yeah, notice any names missing up there? Maybe one big failure of a name in particular, maybe somebody whose dad was a bad president and whose brother was a bad president? That’s right. Jebbers! In a head to head match up with Trump, he loses harder than Jeb! Bush having an arm-wrestling match with his mother, who hates him. To be exact, Trump has him 51-37. Overall with Iowa voters? That’s even MORE sadder. He’s cuddling with Mike Huckabee’s man meat at 6 percent.

The other “kill” from this poll, though it’s not related to the candidates, is Islam, apparently. Yes, the very same wingnuts who are bitching and moaning about RELIGIOUS FREEDOM!!!!1111!! and all that bullshit … well, not even 50 percent of them know that OF COURSE Islam should be legal in America because it says so right in the First Amendment they’re always blathering about. Meanwhile, 69 percent say President Obama is DEFINITELY “waging a war on Christianity.” Yeaaaaaaah, these are fuckin’ morons, y’all.


At least Jeb! can say he’s more popular than the evil Muslims with Iowa Republican voters, oh wait he can’t LOL. The point is that Jeb! Bush is not president of Iowa, or America, and he never will be. But let’s be fair: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Ever Going To Be President.

[Public Policy Polling]

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  • Duke

    First Christmas and now Christianity in its entirety!

    When does the man have time to eat, sleep and destroy the economy.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      He takes a time out on the ninth hole for a nap, wakes up, sends some e-mails to the Chinese about Walmart tunnels and then finishes his game. Man’s amazing.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    The sex in the “Fuck” paragraph is still hotter than the Kim Davis article, and it’s about fucking Donald Trump.

  • The way we hold presidential elections in this country has got to be the stupidest way to choose a leader ever. The fact that we allow such a small state that isn’t reflective of the general electorate at all to hold such a prime spot is insane.

    We would do better to draw names out of a hat. Or hold a fucking reality show where one candidate is voted off every week after performing humiliating stunts for our amusement. Or a general lottery where a random citizen is chosen to be president.

    We can do better. We should do better than this fucking sideshow.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Turtle races and such.

    • elviouslyqueer

      I’m all for a cage match. Or a Hunger Games-type scenario.

    • mtn_philosoph

      It wasn’t “we” who decided to give Iowa and New Hampshire such stature during the quadrennial election cycle, it was the Democratic and Republican parties, with the news media providing the lube and the hand jobs. There is nothing mandatory about any of this. Statewide primaries and caucuses aren’t fundamental elements of our democracy; they were created by the political parties for their own internal purposes. Parties don’t have to utilize these particular methods in order to select their slate of nominees; they could go about it some other way. (Drawing straws, for instance. Or Russian Roulette.) These are all just creations of each party’s rules. And no law says that we have to accept the choices that this whole circus gives us.

  • JoeChristmas

    69% of people think Obama is “waging war against Christians??!?” Aside from the 69 jokes, if that’s a true sampling, this country is way more fucked up than I thought.

    • onedollarjuana

      Over 40% still believe in creationism. Why are your surprised at the 69%?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      If he is, he sure isn’t winning.

    • Left Coast Tom

      It’s a sampling of Iowa Republicans. I blame it on exposure to all the exploding foamy pig shit.

    • JustPixelz

      It’s 69% of Iowa Republicans polled.

      • 69% of Iowa Republicans polled who actually responded.

        • elviouslyqueer

          These same 69% would dearly love to be poled.


      • JoeChristmas

        I am a tl;dr. I couldn’t wait to make a 69 joke — “that’s nice what you’re doin’ down there ma’am, but I don’t know if I can take 67 more of those.”

  • Lizzietish81

    These people lack perspective. Send them to Syria where Christians are actually being murdered and let them whine about how they have no freedom in the US.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Other than a vague desire to bomb somebody or the other there, these eejits couldn’t find Syria on a map.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Even telling them to go to Turkey and hang a right wouldn’t be much help to them.

        • elviouslyqueer

          Hell, these idiots couldn’t find turkey in the grocery store except around Thanksgiving.

          • Boscoe

            To be fair, the giant signs saying “turkey” with arrows pointing down are a big help.

  • Joshua Norton

    Trump has been spouting non-stop anti-Muslim crap but now he wants us to believe that an anti-Muslim townhall questioner was a plant.

    Good one, Donnie!!

    • JustPixelz

      A plant would have trolled better. He spouted a few Trumpisms then asked an ambiguous question about getting rid of Muslims or training camps or both.

    • Douglas White

      Well, in fairness, we never did see than man move from his spot on the floor, so it is possible he had roots growing down into the floor of the event hall. His arm movement and speaking don’t preclude his being a plant as we have many varieties of plant that move (i.e. Venus Fly Traps) and speak (Ents). Also, At Trump events many foreigners are asked to ‘leave’, clearly indicating some kind of plant-based process.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Never campaign at the Botanical Gardens.

        • eggsacklywright

          Especially when the corpse flower is in bloom.

  • dslindc

    Since none of these jerks will be preznit, maybe we could go a step further and just vote Iowa out as a state, because this process is so tired and stupid.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      OH yeah? Where will you getcher hog bellies then, huh?

      • Okely D’Oprah

        Planned Parenthood?

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          From the picketers, maybe?

      • LarkintheAM

        There are other places which can supply the national bacon addiction. Anyone care to speculate on why the Red States produce most of the hogs?

        • bobbert

          1. Please note, Minnie isn’t a Red State.
          2. It’s because of the vast supply of not-ready-for-prime-time corn. Which gets fed to the hogs.

  • Ryan Denniston

    This is further evidence that the Villagers have absolutely no idea what they are doing. Political journalists should be fired for consistently getting it as wrong as they do.

    • coozledad

      As long as the job requirements are A) being born to someone who could unscrew a dick head and work on the wires and B) being a bootstraps humjobber, all you’ll ever get is some variant of Chuck Todd.

  • Tallmutha

    • Boscoe


    • Querolous


  • stankbait

    In IOWA you can stand touching noses for a week and a half and never see eye to eye.

    • Douglas White

      Who could even stand BEING in Iowa for a week and a half?? Wouldn’t the Children of the Corn get you long before that?

  • JustPixelz

    “…Public Policy Polling released a new poll of Iowa voters…”

    The questions about Trump, Islam and Obama’s war on Christianity are to Republicans only, not all Iowanianites.

    • Boscoe

      The first clue: lack of a stat for “fell down laughing uncontrollably”

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I gotta find some bread bags for my feet to wade through this Iowa bullshit.

    • Antimassacree

      Better double bag ’em.

  • goonemeritus

    Needs a forth category of ball gag and chain to a wall.

    • Lizzietish81

      Huckabee brought his own equipment

  • coozledad

    What they need is an election stealin’ economy fucker whose family hasn’t already shit the White House bed. Sam Brownback?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      If you go Bareback Brokeback you’ll get Brownback.

      • jmk

        Now THERE’S a ticket – Brownback/Santorum 2016!!

  • My Democrat fuck/marry/kill:

    Kill (with votes!): any of the GOP clown car occupants.
    Marry: polyamorous thruple with Bernie and Hillz (it’s not like they didn’t warn us it would happen!).
    Fuck: O’Malley (actually! and not just “with votes”!)

    • LarryHoudini

      Thruple? Is that what the kids call it?
      Also: taint or grundle?

  • LarryHoudini

    So . . . 30% of these people think Islam should be outlawed? WTF

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Yeah, you 70% better wake up, sheeples!

      • chicken thief


    • Latverian Diplomat

      In fairness, probably half of those already think it is illegal, so they are just pro-status quo. :-)

    • MrBlobfish

      I surprised it’s that low.

    • Jon Sussex

      Srsly. And 21% “aren’t sure”? 51% are a idiot.

    • Boscoe

      Same percentage that actually believe our court system could be converted to Sharia, I’d wager.

    • LIT_Fag

      Maybe they think all religions should be outlawed. One can hope.

  • VandeGraf

    The stats, the polls, and the candidate slates make me despair over the fate of the United States. We need to de-emphasize Iowa and New Hampshire. These places are allowed to winnow the candidate slate, yet they do not accurately represent the nation wide electorate. First it’s corn and hogs, then it’s Faux News, then it’s “Live free or die.” Throw in a dollop of victimized Jesus, and you have a travelling medicine show selling major snake oil.

  • LarkintheAM

    My vote for each and every one of these nimrods would be Kill. With votes. All the votes.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Really. Here’s a list of all the Republicans I would like to fuck or marry:

      • LarkintheAM

        And could you imagine being married to any of them? That would be a punishment fit for Dante’s Ninth Circle.

      • LIT_Fag

        Maybe a BJ from Rubio. Mouth would be full so I wouldn’t have to hear his voice, and he does have some purty lips.

  • Iowa voters are naturally attracted to Trump’s corn tassel.

    • LarkintheAM


    • diogenez

      OTOH, as someone who grew up in Iowa and detassled corn as a teen, this could AGAIN be the olds fucking with Donald Trump.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Now this is the kind of erotica I can definitely get into. Again, and again, and again, infinity.

  • vivian

    Jeb! -> Jeb? (goin’ limp)

    • Angry_Cop

      For your pleasure:


  • JustPixelz

    Some other tidbits in the poll:

    – Trump loses to Carson among Republican women
    – 56% of Republican respondents said they watched last Thursday’s debate, a ludicrously high number (LIARS!)
    – Trump favorability is underwater (barely) with Republican women (39/40)
    – 1% and 6% of Republicans say they are “very liberal” and “liberal”, respectively. Based on some of the cross-tabs and my gut, they are trolling

    • LarkintheAM

      Once upon a time, in a land long ago and far away, before the Orcs gathered and took over the country, there were a few liberal Republicans.

      • William_C_Diaz

        There used to be a whole bunch. We used to be called ‘New England Republicans’ and we were both fiscally conservative and libertarian before both of those words became synonymous with ‘batchit crazy’. Now we are all Democrats pretty much, as Reagan was the beginning of the end with the ‘Giggle Wiggle’ and the end of the first Bush Presidency ended our acceptance within the GOP.

        We believe in higher taxes to repay debt and believe the government should stay out of the personal and private behavior of its citizens. So basically we are solid Democratic voters now.

        Have a great day!

  • cousin itt


  • JustPixelz

    A bit OT, but I see Chris Wallace (Fox News) won’t let Trump phone it in to his show. And unlike CNN & MSNBC, Fox also has not recently (or ever?) broadcast Trump events from start-to-finish. This could be the price Trump pays for dis’ing Fox and Kelly. Or perhaps they have greater journalistic integrity than CNN, MSNBC and the others. … … BWAHAHAHAHA. Journalistic integrity?!? No, it’s revenge.

    • chicken thief

      I suspect Faux is succumbing to the GOP donor class. The only people that support Trump are the ones that just scream at shit without ever having a clear thought as to why or a solution that doesn’t involve bombing someone.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Fox viewers, in other words.
        The master has lost control of his monster. You could write a book…

  • JohnR

    Well I was dead wrong about Walker, I really thought the Kochs were going to carry him. Interesting thing, both Perry and Walker had a lot of cash in their super PACs, but could not raise enough cash to run their campaigns. Maybe this is because of so many candidates or the T-GOP base has shriveled up and is really small.

    • chicken thief

      They invested all their SS checks in Glenn Beck gold and Huckabee vitamins.

      • Boscoe

        Smart money is on Survival Seeds and Pat Robertson’s age defying jesus pancakes..

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Yeah, Perry was dead meat before he even began, but I thought corporate money loved Walker. He shoulda pasted some of it over his face.

    • Gorillionaire

      I don’t think there is any doubt that the establishment was grooming Walker for the big show, and it looks like they are as surprised as anyone that he has ducked out already. And probably pissed at him too – especially after all the shit storms they bailed him out of in WI. Also, the Koch’s should have put some of that PAC money into a Hair Club For Men membership for old scottie.

    • Hardly Ideal

      It should’ve been clear to everyone how bad he was when he “punted” on the question of Evolution.

      It’s really simple: If you want to appeal to the GOP, say “No!” If you want to appeal to anyone else, say “Yes!” Whatever you do, don’t respond with such a terrified squeak, especially not multiple times.

  • SuperMatt

    I just read an article about Jeb that says we shouldn’t be a multicultural society. People should allow themselves to be assimilated. I certainly hope this quote leads to photoshops of Jeb as a Borg!–election.html

  • chicken thief

    Fuck you, Iowans, we’re still going with Jeb!.

    ~ GOP Donors

  • MrBlobfish

    What Jeb! needs is a fedora. I hear the millennials like them.

    • chicken thief

      I’m ok with a fedora-ed Jeb!, but if he starts wearing skinny jeans with the cuffs rolled up, I’ll throw my support to i(lied)Carly in a NY second.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I THOUGHT that was Jeb! I spotted in a trucker cap, smoking an American Spirit hand-rolled, and drinking a PBR.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon
      • Spotts1701


    • eggsacklywright

      Rationalists, wearing square hats,
      Think, in square rooms,
      Looking at the floor,
      Looking at the ceiling.
      They confine themselves
      To right-angled triangles.
      If they tried rhomboids,
      Cones, waving lines, ellipses —
      As, for example, the ellipse of the half-moon —
      Rationalists would wear sombreros.

      Wallace Stevens

      • Cleo_Cat

        Upfist from English majors everywhere.

    • mailman27

      With a long gun! And plaid shorts!!! The race just got exciting.

  • TheBidenator

    Iowa did make one-L their candidate in 2012 and Fuckabeet in 2008…I’m just saying the Iowa GOP is a lousy benchmark because they like CRAZY even more than the rest of the mouth breathers. Not that I care, I love that the assclowns are on top.

    • Incoming Ham

      If you live in flyover country and this the only time you get any attention (besides accolades for the *ace* fried butter at the state fair), you make the most of it.

      “Our Liberties we prize and our Rights we’ll maintain”

      Liberty to have the right to be as batshit as they wanna be every Presidential election.

    • Bitter Scribe

      If you want to get technical about it, Michele Nutjob only won the Ames straw poll, which is even less meaningful than the actual state caucuses. The caucuses were won by Frothy Discharge (once they recounted after originally declaring Mittens the winner). Frothy has never gotten over it, which is why he bitches so much about being at the kids’ table debates and will undoubtedly stay in the race long after the other hopeless cases drop out.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The Iowa Caucuses are nearly as hilarious a joke as the Ames straw poll. The caucuses held in early presidential election years do not determine how the respective party delegations to the national conventions are made up. It’s bullshit, for the benefit of the vermin of the Village and the Iowa hospitality industry, which gets a big boost from vermin of the Village staying in Iowa for a few weeks.

      • Karen Marie

        Plus he’s got nothing else to do but work on increasing his speaking fees.

  • BeliTsari

    It’s kinda reminiscent of a bunch of Trolls, Vampires & Goblins rolling out of the Konservative Klown Kar… only to have a Balrog streaming garish orange flame from his YOOJE friggin’ head, whip ’em all aside?

  • Spotts1701

    Jeb’s just getting his second wind, you see. Any minute now he’ll be along…

    • MrBlobfish

      It’s got Walker’s eyes

      • grmpy

        Walker has eyes? Eye thought it was all eyelid that was covering some white styrafoam

  • Msgr_Moment

    Fuck, Marry, Kill: Porcine livestock, Porcine livestock, Porcine livestock.

  • Me not sure

    I hope at least ten of these fools stay in the race until the Florida primary. The spending will be good for the economy and maybe, if enough of them win at least one state, the circus will continue to stay on the road.

    • chicken thief

      And the murmurring for Mitt will turn into a clamorous roar!!1!!

      • Me not sure


      • Boscoe

        I’ve said it from the start and I’m still saying it. Mitt will appear in a glorious halo of lights and angelic choirs to rescue the GOP in the eleventh hour.

        And lose for a third time.

  • DahBoner

    If you ain’t in favor of murdering large groups of people, you ain’t voting Republican.

  • GDleftyPart2

    The campaigns swinging through Iowa and the words spilling out of Iowans never fail to make me feel better about Arizona.
    Thanks Iowa.


    OT: Happy first day of autumn in AZ, when all the license plates change color.

    • Karen Marie

      It is so pleasant out! Sitting on the patio at 10:30 am, and I am not sweating! In fact, it is a little cool in the shade. Hallelujah! Have I mentioned how much I hate it here?

      • Boscoe

        it’ll be better when we vote in teh legal weed next year. :)

      • LadyLaz

        In Az?

        I love N. Az. I lived several happy years in AZ.

    • Hardly Ideal

      I know it’s just a calendar day, but it still gives me hope for what passes as “winter” in SoCal.

  • beatbort

    I think it’s more like the childhood game Spin The Bottle. As in, every time any of these people open their mouths, one’s impulse is to reach for the Jack Daniels.

  • Steverino247

    Iowa voters would take three plates at the cafeteria and then bitch about there being no Sweet N Low for their coffee.

    • bobbert

      And such small portions.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Don’t count Jeb Exclamation Point out too soon. Once the field thins out and the primaries draw near, he’ll be able to use his vast cash reserves for TV time, and never underestimate the power of TV. (If TV can get people to eat Taco Bell, it can get them to vote for Jeb.)

    • JD Mulvey

      I agree. These nutjob voters will flirt with Trumpie, flirt with Carson the creepy doctor, flirt with Carly the plastic-faced monster… but then they’ll marry Jeb and his money.

      • eddi

        It’s a shotgun wedding. For both of them. With the RNC holding the piece to make sure everyone else holds their peace.

      • southernpines


    • Paperless Tiger

      Someone should do a study. I bet those country folks were a lot more politically savvy before TV. As one of my professors once said of my work, “It’s like progress in reverse.”

      • Boscoe

        Yeah, they’ve progressed from “that city slicker is tryin ta hoodwink us but we’s too smert!” to “that Trump has a whole buildin with his name in 20 foot letters on it! -He MUST know what he’s doin’!”

        • Bitter Scribe

          I think politicians have taken the role of the city slickers in that scenario. Notice how, among the three leaders, none has held political office before, and two have never run for anything.

          • eddi

            The disgust of the Reb lower caste with elected officials who have refused to impeach Obama, drive out the illegal terrorists and cut government spending on everything but their disability and subsidy checks is the big reason that Trump, Fiorina and Carson are in the lead poll-wise.

          • Bitter Scribe

            Yeah, I think that’s pretty much it. Promise miracles without delivering long enough, and pretty soon, the rubes will find other people who promise miracles they can’t deliver.

          • LadyLaz

            summed up well.

      • cleter

        Country folks voted like crazy for FDR.

    • Karen Marie

      There is not enough money in the world for him to win.

      • eddi

        Win the party yes. Win the White House no.

      • southernpines

        He is going to win.

  • docterry6973

    Carson is crazy enough to win in Iowa.

  • lesterthegiantape

    So seventy percent of these jeanyouses [sic] think anybody in Murka is waging a war on Christianity? And half think Islam should be illeagall [sic]? Clutch mah Buddha beads!

    I’m trying to think of a way to make sure Christianity doesn’t get warred on… Seems like the best approach would be to ensure there’s no religious discrimination allowed in the US of American. But then the Muslians can practice their faith, too. IT IS A DILEMMA

    • nightmoth

      What to do? What to do? It IS a dilemma. Thinking hurts.

      • Boscoe

        Maybe someone could make some kind of… I dunno… extra add-on thingy for the constitution? I bet Victoria Jackson would know what to do.

  • LadyLaz

    Frankly, the GOP primaries are scaring the heck out of me, because I always had real concerns about Hillary Clinton not be electable. I mean, I am a libertard, and I didn’t want her to run, because I am really disliking these political dynasties. I am terrified the GOP are going to select a complete zealot… and then what?

    • Hardly Ideal

      I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m hoping that whatever zealot the GOP nominates will be too repulsive for the general. I thought they might’ve learned their lesson in 2012 about alienating everyone who isn’t old, male, white, and Christian, but it seems like they’ve doubled down.

      And if they DO win on a platform of Pale Stale Males vs Everyone… I dunno, then maybe we collectively deserve it.

      • Mintie

        I thought the same thing. Apparently they weren’t smart enough to figure out hundreds of wrongs don’t add up to a right.

    • this.

    • JD Mulvey

      This whole “political dynasties” argument puzzles me. Why does the Bushes being fuckups mean nobody should vote for Hillary Clinton?

    • Rick Hill

      Then what? 22% of the votes cast for the gop candidate in the general

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I get it now! War on Christianity means telling Christians they are not the rulers of this here kingdom and other people of other (or no) faith get to live in America.
    Well damn. At least it is finally defined.

  • Rick Hill

    I predict that, after the early primaries and these are the only choices for the gop candidate that the less batshit crazy states will all be writing in Deez nuts, and no one will get the actual nod from the gop.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I don’t like this game.

  • mtn_philosoph

    F/M/K is a new one on me. Never heard of it until I read Wonkette. (Must credit Wonkette.) Now the next challenge is to figure out just WTF it is.

  • WampusKat

    Walker “has gone to live on a farm with Rick Perry, where they are currently sniffing each other’s butts and humping each other and sniffing each other’s butts some more”

    I intend to retain that visual as I drift into deep sleep… for some reason this makes me happy.

    ‘Yeaaaaaaah, these are fuckin’ morons, y’all.”… who vote…en masse :) While we’ve been sitting around with our thumbs up our butts for the past six years.

    Oh well.

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