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Have you ever tried to love God so hard that he makes you say a bunch of crazy non-words sounds, with your tongue, but it just wouldn’t work? Well, “Gary” has had that problem, so of course he turns to Crazy Non-Words Sounds expert, Pat Robertson, on how to do it just right:

Pat, I recently read a book on the Holy Spirit that talked a lot about speaking in tongues. It also said that speaking in tongues is our personal language with God. Well, I haven’t been given that personal language yet. Is there something that I am doing wrong? This personal intimacy with God is important to me.

First of all, Gary, good on you for wanting to know how to get into God’s pants, you’ve definitely turned to the right guy. Unfortunately, Pat doesn’t have much time to tell you all of his Greatest Seduction Moves.

“I haven’t got time to go into the great details of what you need,” Pat says — he has to leave room in his show to explain to the next “viewer” at “home” what Jesus thought about tithing part of your Social Security check — but basically:

What you need, basically, is to surrender and ask — you know, the Bible says seek and ye shall find, ask and it’ll be given it to you. Ask, and then you receive, and you thank the Lord for it.

So, you just ask God, in a nice way (don’t forget your please and thank you), “Sup, God, can you please give me the power to talk crazy talk, with my tongue?” and then God will give that to you. Like that? Well, it’s not quite so simple.

The trouble is, people, they want to begin to worship God in a heavenly language, but they keep asking in their vernacular, which is, most cases, English.

With more than 2 billion Christians on the planet, we are thinking it’s unlikely most of them are trying to pray in English, ACTUALLY, but maybe Pat’s speaking in tongues only about American Christians, because let’s face it, they’re the ones who count.

So you’re saying, “Fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me,” and really, you don’t give Him a chance to come in and do something.

We know you need a moment to digest that and give God a chance to come. Go on, we’ll wait.

But you need to spend time worshipping the Lord, you surrender to Him, and then out of the fullness of your spirit, there comes an utter gushing of the language of the Holy Spirit.

Is it hard? Yes, it is so hard, says Pat’s leggy brunette baby-sitter for the day. She also struggled, once upon a time, with how to use her tongue, for being intimate with God, but then she “spent time with a couple that already had the gift,” and after a couple weekends of quality time with this couple, she learned how to surrender.

“So don’t give up, Gary,” she says. “It’s gonna happen.” Maybe Gary should find himself a nice couple to spend some weekends with too? That might help.

“That’s right,” says Pat. That’s all you gotta do!

Surrender and then receive. You know, you’re gonna receive. People say, well, “Lord, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me.”

They always say it five times, apparently.

Well, there comes a time you say, “Thank you, Lord” and let Him do it.

Hope that clears it up for you, Gary, because that’s all the time Pat and his baby-sitter have for you today. Now, as to the question of whether you must still tithe to your church, even if you are living solely on Social Security benefits and you are coming up short every month? Well, duh, of course. But, says Pat, just “look to God to supply you with other sources of income.” That should cover it. Have you heard the good word about investing in oil and gas?

[h/t Joe My God]

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  • dslindc

    Sounds kinky . . . so, be safe and make sure everyone is consenting, I guess?

    • Ahem. It was the Annunciation To the Blessed Virgin Mary, not the Negotiation With the Volitional Woman Mary.

      • Lizzietish81

        Ear sex!

        • Spurning Beer

          “Aural sex.”

  • Seaside

    The fact that Pat doesn’t have rectal cancer proves there is no god.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    I find Christian porn hard to fap to.

    • Shibusa

      “Amen, brother.” ~ Josh Duggar

  • exinkwretch

    And I repeat — spare of from any more Pat Robertson posts unless it’s one announcing the crazy old fucker died. There are much more entertaining religious grifters to point and laugh at. Thank you.

  • Lizzietish81

    Gary should just get the Snowcrash package.

  • Nounverb911

    Does being “Gushed on by God” stain?

    • chimichanga

      Not when Mother Earth squirts…

    • calliecallie

      But don’t wash the dress, just in case. You might need to show it one day.

  • Lizzietish81

    Pat’s right of course, speaking in English isn’t going to work, does anyone know old Aramaic?

    • Nounverb911

      Mel Gibson?

    • JustPixelz

      When I speak in tongues, there is no actual speaking. It involves writing the English alphabet. If I knew Chinese, I would use that though it’s probably dangerous for my, um, listener.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Outside of a few tiny Christian villages in Syria, not a lot of Aramaic gets spoken these days.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Scratch those tiny Christian villages in Syria. Assad was their patron and protector.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I suspect you’re right. One of the tragic consequences of social chaos is that people will align themselves with anyone they think can protect them.

    • OneYieldRegular

      I’ll bet you God is one of those annoying Esperanto-speaking divinities.

    • Antimassacree

      There is one Aramaic word that remains in the Greek New Testament and it is a favorite of the Religious Right: Maranatha, which translates “Come, Lord!” Always with the gushing with these folks.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    I didn’t know that the 700 Club was so kinky. Tongues, couples, weekend visits, leggy babysitters? Now I’ve got to tune to that channel. Or is Pat the spokesperson for the Christian Playboy Club? Or maybe that’s “Prayboy…?”

    • Pisto75666

      That’s what he goes by on Ashley Madison……or so I’ve been told *shifty look*

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Gary should try some peyote, mushrooms, or LSD.

    • calliecallie

      AOT,K!

  • Callyson

    True story…

    In junior high, I became friends with a girl who turned out to be a Pentecostal. OK, whatever…she was a nice girl and seemed sane enough.

    One day I got invited to go to church with her. Sure, one time just to see what it’s like: what could go wrong? Ha ha ha…I got there and was placed under pressure to start speaking in tongues. A polite, “no thanks” was ignored. Finally started speaking in sheer gibberish to shut them up. Was amazed when they believed that I wasn’t faking it to make them leave me alone.

    And that was when I first realized how dangerous the fundies are…

    • Lizzietish81

      The appropriate response at that point would be “Hail Satan!”

    • Lizzietish81

      Scratch that, the proper response would be Ph’nglui mglw’nafh CthulhuR’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtag

      • Jared James

        Well fhtagned, madam.

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      • Playonwords

        Hey! The Lard has blessed you! You can write in tongues!

        • OddMan

          Blessed be the Bacon Fat.
          “Qu’vath guy’cha v’aka”

    • OneYieldRegular

      You should have brought along a rattlesnake to handle.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Eh….What’s up, doc?…

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hm_NNLZiusg

    Yep. Our future is in good hands.

  • John McLaughlin

    Like Al Franken said about Pat…”The man went to Yale!”

    • “Heavens! A YALE man!”

      Thurston Howell III – upon encountering a cannibal, a monkey, an ape man, etc.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The 43rd President of the United States

    • Thaumaturgist

      Thaumaturgist said W went to Yale. Whoopee!

  • JustPixelz

    Ladies and Gentlemen… The Aristocrats!

  • ArgieBargie

    Pat’s stuff is like Craigslist Personals meets christianmingle.com.

  • Joshua Norton

    Must be nice. You don’t have to actually learn any prayers or even English! Just sit there a go “hummina, hummina, jibber-jabber, jibber-jabber” and it’s the exact same thing!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Jiggery-pokery! Applesauce!

    • Thaumaturgist

      This is Murica. Angles is what made Murica great.

      • bozilingus

        I got my own personal Guardian Angle. It’s a cute and just a tiny bit obtuse.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Isosceles in the supermarket earlier today. He said that he was going to call you after he gets home this evening.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    See, we’ve had it wrong all along. It’s Speaking in Tougues.

    • Querolous

      In Canuckistan they speak in Touqes.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    No need for strange tongues. He talks plenty crazy enough in English.

  • PubOption

    But I thought that fundie Jesus spoke English, just like in the bible.

    • chimichanga

      Verily thou hast spoken truth

  • Ranina

    I believe it’s called Glossolalia, and I remember as a kid (around 8-10) doing it all the time with my friends just for fun. My brother tried it later when he was in high school and he and some of his football team got drunk and went to a tent revival. They thought it would be a lot of fun, but they got kicked out. Guess it only works if you’re sober.

    • Roadstergal

      It’s a Pentecostal thing – the Holy Spirit descended on the apostles during Pentecost and made them all speak different languages. However, the way I remember reading it, they spoke actual different languages that actually exist, and one of the gifts of Pentecost was understanding ’em all. But what do I know, I’m an atheist. Jesus might be a handsome fellow, but he’s not coming in me – gotta use a condom, I don’t know where you’ve been.

      • Glissando: it’s a trombone thing.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHH5JUQW6gQ

      • Ranina

        I know about the Pentecostal thing…
        Actually, I think it was the nuns (or maybe one of my aunts) who told us about it, in a disparaging way, e.g., “This is how dumb protestants can be…” So of course we had to try it for ourselves. I also baptized every protestant kid in the neighborhood with the garden hose to save them from Hell – apparently anyone can perform a “legitimate” baptism in an “emergency”…
        Glossolalia is fun and easy. I sometimes do it for my grandchildren now to get a giggle.

        • Latverian Diplomat

          apparently anyone can perform a “legitimate” baptism in an “emergency”

          Yes, I knew a nurse who “spit baptized” a few babies that were not doing well. Without consulting the parents, of course.

          • Ranina

            Good grief. Well, no harm done I guess, unless the spit was contaminated…
            That’s a little like having to put kleenex on our heads if we forgot our chapel veils or hats. (I just remembered that!)

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Might be just the thing for an infant … a sloppy French kiss can cure thrush very quickly. (Gives babby the bacteria that keep the Candida spp. in check.)

            God, of course, gets the credit.

          • OneDemin EOr

            Mantillas were the thing when I was a wee young ‘un.

          • Ranina

            Yes! thanks to Jackie Kennedy!

          • OneDemin EOr

            Greaaaat. Gotta watch those in the “helping” professions.

        • Thaumaturgist

          Jesus will save a special place for you in heaven, for baptizing all those Protestants.

          • Ranina

            No doubt. Although I think I might have to vie for it with the Mormons…

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Dude, just put on the Talking Heads album and the scales will fall from your eyes/ears.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This ain’t no party! This ain’t no disco!

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        Burnin’ down the house of worship!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          We got some wild, wild life!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I don’t think Pat quite grasps that it’s bullshit like this that drives sane people away from “Christianity”. Might as well be advocating for voodoo.

    • Kakkeltje

      Pat does not want the sane people, much easier to grift from the crazy ones.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Point well taken.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Even drives insane people away from Christianity. (Speaking for a friend.)

  • Lefty Frizzell

    In my experience it’s similar with most religious people in that it’s best not to ask them about the mechanics of how their sky-buddy does what he does if you don’t want to be weirded/grossed out.

    Really – do scientology thetans sound any weirder than this?

    • Vienna Woods

      We just watched Going Clear. Fuck what an outfit. And all those poor escapees look so embarrassed for having swallowed that shit for all those years.

  • Tallmutha

    Yeah, looks like one hell of a party.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQ4114XO-Xo

  • Skwerl King

    “Get Filled Up And Gushed On By God, With Pat Robertson”
    Guess I won’t be eating lunch today.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Ooh ee ooh ah ah bing bang walla walla bing bang

    • Spotts1701

      Ba Weep Granah Weep Ninny Bong to you too.

      • SnarkTank

        Not to mention Mana Mana (do do do do do).

      • Me not sure

        A weem a wep, a weem a wep, a weem a wep.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Who likes short shorts?…

    • Querolous

      Ee-e-e-oh-mum-oh-weh

      Ee-e-e-oh-mum-oh-weh

      Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

      Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

      Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

      Wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh, wimoweh

      Read more: Token – The Lion Sleeps Tonight Lyrics | MetroLyrics

    • mtn_philosoph

      Tutti frutti oh rutti
      Wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom.

  • Me not sure

    “Well you see, when the spirit of the Lord fills you it makes you feel all warm and tingly inside. Have you ever had a prostate exam? That’s the same feeling! When that finger cot goes in I get filled with the spirit and break out in tongues………”

  • Tom Wilder

    So all of the crazy homeless guys wandering around shouting gibberish are really have a conversation with God? Good to know……

  • Ryan Denniston

    “She also struggled, once upon a time, with how to use her tongue, for being intimate with God, but then she “spent time with a couple that already had the gift,” and after a couple weekends of quality time with this couple, she learned how to surrender.”

    I can’t top this. Nicely done.

    • jviscont1

      that quote is a rip-off from Penthouse Forum’s Rapture edition 1982.

      • Vecciojohn

        Dear Penthouse, I never thought that this would jdimm alunhg vidda buddo snagle floot . . .

  • elviouslyqueer

    • clubseal

      For some reason, “moist” is my least favorite euphemism that a turned-on woman could use. Jessica Alba could be in front of me, stark naked, and if she said she was moist, I would probably leave the room.

  • Ryan Denniston

    So Bobby Jindal and Sarah Palin are just speaking to God while in public?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Oh, Me, not those two idiots again…”

    • SnarkTank

      Not to mention tRump in Dallas yesterday. A word salad to end all word salads.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Mark Halperin, predictably, called it Trump’s greatest campaign speech, evah.

    • elviouslyqueer

      “No hablo estupidés.”

      –God

  • Roadstergal

    I felt the Hand of God. At least, that’s what Jeff in Accounting said it was.

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Well, when it’s a reacharound, it’s always tough to identify the owner of the hand. God? Adam Smith? Jeff in Accounting?

    • Lefty Frizzell

      It was Diego Maradona!

  • chimichanga

    This leggy brunette spent a weekend with a couple learning how to use her tongue? (But it was just a phase – in college)
    Also din’t Iron Butterfly speak in the tongues or were they just tryn’ to say “In the garden of Eden, Honey…”

  • JustPixelz

    Pat was a lunatic Republican Presidential Candidate before it was cool.

    http://www.patrobertson.com/Statesman/PresidentialBidAnalyzed.asp

  • Angry_Cop

    The technical term is “Glossolalia”, and yes, it is part of the “disassociatve identity disorder” in both DSM-IV and DSM-V.

    It’s mental illness, not a sign of “love for the Lord”.

    • Logic of Color

      That would go along with what I’ve always thought. It is real, at least to the speaker. They’re not technically faking it. It’s just phycology.

    • Playonwords

      Please check my post up here. On this DSM is full of not very clever comments.

  • schmannity

    So you’re saying, “Fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me,” and really, you don’t give him a chance to come in and do something.

    We know you need a moment to digest that and give God a chance to come.

    The gospel, according to Jenna Jameson

  • Having come from a charismatic fundamentalist church background, I will say that it also quite strange how everyone that I’ve ever heard ‘speak in tongues’ was always gifted with their own unique heavenly language that sounds like babbling (how many languages do they speak in heaven?) and not, say, German, Greek, or Aramaic.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Wouldn’t be Russian or Chinese, because those are commie languages. And CERTAINLY not Arabic.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      “how many languages do they speak in heaven” – maybe there was some blowback when God cast the Tower of Babble spell

      • Toomush_Infer

        I love that story about ziggurats and outside contractors…

    • Toomush_Infer

      “This time it’s personal!”

      -God

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Although I believe there was a study a while back about how people in the same congregation influence and imitate each other. So the pattern of their babbling gets closer together over time. It’s still nonsense, but it’s nonsense that can develop local dialects of a sort.

    • marxalot

      Yeah, the original gift of tongues (if you go back and, I dunno, read Acts) was such that the apostles were heard to be speaking in actual languages which they had never learned. Dunno how that turned into rolling on the floor jabbering.

      • Playonwords

        Obviously a Holy Babble.

  • Seriously, folks. I really really wish every time one of these crazies like KIMDAVIS makes the news videos of what actually goes on in these churches would follow immediately.

    “BLABBADIOOKIEEGRAAPLUSPLROORKICKYICKYBLEEECH!” indeed.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    Gary should just fake it. That’s what the others do

    • Thaumaturgist

      Fake it? Spell doesn’t work if you don’t get the incantation right.

      • Dee Andee

        It really doesn’t.

    • TheBidenator

      God knows when you’re faking it…..especially after you’ve begged to be filled so many times and opened yourself up for HIS holy spirit. Man this stuff sounds so hilariously homoerotic…..

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Why do I get the feeling this whole story is really about “exchanging documents”?

  • jviscont1

    up until today I thought speaking in tongues was the province of certain Minnesotan GOP legislators.

  • MrBlobfish

    Sarah Palin speaks in tongues?

    • Bob@Bob.com

      Naw that’s just guttural sounds

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Even the Holy Spirit goes “wtf??” when she blithers.

    • Toomush_Infer

      AOT,K….

    • Thaumaturgist

      You better believe Sarah Palon speaks in tongues.http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122048406528596987

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        “The Rev. Ed Kalnins, pastor of the Pentecostal church, Wasilla Assembly
        of God, says he has told church members that God put President George W.
        Bush in office…”

        I think it’s pretty clear that God’s little “mysterious ways” hobby has gotten waaaay out of hand. Who’s gonna tell Him?

    • Antimassacree

      She sure as hell can’t speak English. Or even American.

    • TheBidenator

      That’s one way of saying it….another is to be kind of cruel and ask her how many strokes she’s suffered.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    In the mean time Gary could burst into spontaneous prophecy. They like that shit too. Especially when every sentence begins with YEAH!

  • Wonkaholic

    Please refrain from using “gushed on” and “Pat Robertson” in the same sentence. I really don’t want to taste last night’s bar snacks again in their way out.

  • elpinche

    Nothing is more Blessed than a Jesus creampie.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Swallowing the Lord would probably be much like Thor trying to empty the drinking horn connected to the sea.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, that Thor…always an excuse…

  • chicken thief

    Sarah Palin’s guest preacher spoke in tongues. For donation to her PAC, she’ll send you his contact info, Gary.

  • calliecallie

    People who spend this much time obsessing on religion really scare me.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The language of “tongues” has recently been partially translated. When spoken from the pulpit, it comes out roughly to “please make out a check in the amount of …”.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    When you’re really bearing down on the Lord’s Blessed Shaft, He shall fill your mouth with grace. Swallow it all for the blessings of the Lord! Let him come and come again, and fill your throat with His sacred joy!

    Brought to you by the Not-at-all Sublimated Homoerotic Desires (NSHD) 699 Club.

  • Mavenmaven

    Of course when he says surrender and you shall receive he’s talking to the pair of legs opposite him.

  • chicken thief

    The leggy babysitter needed a couple of weekends with a couple to get the tongue thing down? They happen to tape it? You know, for instructional purposes…..?

    • Antimassacree

      Former Miss America, also too.

    • TheBidenator

      Wait for it….

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “We know you need a moment to digest that and give God a chance to come.”

    Are you sure about the order?

  • Notreelyhelping

    Neef raba zork, baby.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Doesn’t God speak English? Maybe Hebrew around the house, but he must know enough to get by. Maybe that’s why your prayer wasn’t answered. Try Greek.

  • Thaumaturgist

    What I don’t get: if Jesus wrote the Bible in English why, all of a sudden, isn’t English good enough for Jesus?

    • Logic of Color

      You’re mistaken. He wrote the Book of Mormon in english. The bible was written in ubby dubby

  • Vienna Woods

    ” she “spent time with a couple that already had the gift,” and after a couple weekends of quality time with this couple, she learned how to surrender.”
    Well, a couple of threesomes with a good dom couple would do that for ya, sure.

  • bozilingus

    Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

  • BearGHAZI

    I wish wonkette would have given this article a NSFW warning. I’ve never read such filth. “Fill me,” indeed

    • OneDemin EOr

      Trigger word libel!

  • Gorillionaire

    Do these people ever stop thinking about dicks?

    • Tim Drake

      Does anyone?

  • OneYieldRegular

    People say, well, “Lord, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me.”

    They always say it five times, apparently.

    Suddenly King Lear’s “Never, never, never, never, never” speech is taking on a whole new meaning.

    • lesterthegiantape

      And look how badly it turned out for him. He should have said yes, yes, yes, yes yes.

      I counted to make sure there were five.

  • Allistair Grimley

    Absolutely, if you’re ever in a church when they’re speaking in tongues, you should yell out at them to SPEAK ‘MERICAN!

    • Dee Andee

      LOL, that would be perfection!

    • Playonwords

      I cannot upfist this enough!

  • ginos_way

    Fill me, fill me?! Dunno, but maybe instead of English, doG’s speaking in the international language of protein stains and biological trace. One of those CSI UV flashlights might be handy for figuring out if doG’s around.

  • Badger33

    Does blogging in tongues count?

  • marxalot

    You know, I’m glad that every time I try to get up I nearly faint. It makes it that much easier to go lie down after reading this.

  • SK

    Well, there comes a time you say, “Thank you, Lord” and let Him do it.

    That sounds eerily like Cardinal Mahony’s advice to little boys.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Toucha toucha toucha toucha me
    I wanna speak ho-oooly
    Fill me fill me fill me fill me fill me
    yaweh of the right

    • bozilingus

      (throws rice)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        (throws toast, squirts squirt gun)

    • OneDemin EOr

      I can hear the tap shoes…

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    If you yammer in tongues, it’s harder for the rubes to figure out everything wrong with what you’re saying. Pat really ought to use it more often.

    • fifthdentist

      You mean he doesn’t do that constantly?

  • Paperless Tiger

    Watch out for those dipthongs.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Doesn’t sound any more appetizing than being spooged on by a salmon.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Dear Penthouse Forum:

    I never thought I would urfciv flrtussmmgiwe qpobl ezjoupw bniuypwezl.

  • TheBidenator

    Dear Penthouse,
    I never expected this to happen but one night I was telling god “fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me, fill me” and god rolled his eyes and said “fine I’ll do it if you’ll leave me alone now open wide to take this in”….
    These people are hilarious, no wonder so many of them turn out to be closeted, I mean who talks like this and is being dead straight about it?

  • TheBidenator

    I’m thinking Pat’s babysitter lady spent a lot of time switching between the fish taco and the hot dog before god spoke to her in the clam….just sayin’

  • VandeGraf

    So, despite evidence that God can deal with Aramaic, Hebrew, Latin, and most all of the Indo-European languages, not to mention the various strains of Asian languages in which he is fluent, there is still this focus on this peculiar language of the Holy Spirit, that no one else understands and cannot be translated by sounds as if its paroxysmal utterance is the result of a seizure? Really, Pat? How utterly déclassé of the HS. I hope the rest of the Trinity are paying attention so as not to fall into this verbal narcissism.

  • sillyclucker

    Is Sarah’s word salad considered speaking in tongues?

    • eddi

      That speaking with a forked tongue.

    • fifthdentist

      You could have left the last two words off of that sentence.

  • Playonwords

    I originally posted this little rant in the Republican Lawmakers (were dogging in a park but now see it was unethical) thread. I’ve extended it a little because what good is a long, spittle flecked rant that stops in a timely manner. I’ve also added some details about my best beloved’s and my own experiences of glossolalia. Ho-kay; To begin at the beginning it was a spring moonless nigh … Sorry wrong reference.

    Have you never realised how ecstatic tongue talkers sound? And I don’t mean ecstatic in the “Happy, happy, joy, joy,” sense; I mean in the “When Harry Met Sally” sense and in more ways than one.

    Both men and women thrash about with uncontrolled spasmodic movements, shouting, laughing and weeping; they cry out for the Lawwwwd to cum come into them. They scream out the beloved’s name – though there are reports that some call the wrong name, such as Lucy, Father, Stan, Barrack and Zeus (as in “Hey, Zeus”). They call for the Lard to lift them in his strong, powerful arms. Both men and women are, sometimes, so carried away that they squirt lose control of their bladders.

    Outside the service (or should that read “After being serviced”) many will say how relaxed they feel and how drained they are. Often they will invite others to partake of an orgy with the Stud above, and sometimes this might involve curiously awkward group hugs, like sexually repressed Furries before they fall into all out Yiffing. Many show signs of obsession, and not in the smelly Calvin Klein way;-

    they read random literature as love letters from their idol, containing secret messages about how to get closer to their inamorato;
    they see the face of the beloved everywhere, toast, tree stumps, dogs arses – pareidolia is not just for Google Deep Dream;
    they compare their parents, spouses and children unfavourably to the object of their desire.

    This may seem pretty attractive, after all who wouldn’t want an extended orgasm most Sundays? At the very least it would alleviate the unutterable boredom of most Church services. But there are 2 big problems.

    The first is that virtually all the participants in such religious orgies are faking it (see what I meant about “When Harry Met Sally”?) My bb was a member of a charismatic church for about a year, until her common sense kicked in and she became one of the damned. One of the things that started her salvation was that she realised that not only was she faking the whole “Speaking in tongues” thing but most (if not all) of her friends were as well, and this included the proverbially perverted Youth Pastor.

    The second problem is persons such as myself; I can spout inspired speech at will and at great length. I’m not alone in this myself and my friends would hold long and meaningless conversations. At the time this ability manifested itself, like most adolescents we thought this meant we were especially talented, but then we found out about Michael Bentine. And then The Inklings … and The Clangers … and Milligan all of whom to varying extents used meaningless gibberish as part of their routine. so those who can do this are not special, just disinhibited. I’m still pretty good at it, to the extent that my bb has banned me from trolling local Pentecostal churches.

    Of course for the faithful the ecstasy and inspiration that drives their yammering is somehow different from what demon inspired deception that I can perform. This they know because they are assured of paradise and the orgasmic indulgences of the churches that allow this pale into insignificance beside the foretold joys of heaven.

    The orgies on earth will pale into insignificance with the orgies in heaven, where millions will kneel in abject obedience before the Master who will spread his blessings over them like some eternal bukkake party. Others know that sin will condemn them to eternal torture, yet they still participate in sin. This leads me to wonder if they want the torture; the binding, the whipping, the stress positions, the piercing, the demons with damagingly variant sexual organs and prostheses. Let’s face it Sticks and stones may break my bones – but whips and chains excite me.

    You might guess from the foregoing that I am one of those terrible atheists who threaten the satisfaction and completion that religion grants to people – and you would be right! Let’s face it for Pat Robertson at his age speaking in tongues is probably a symptom of dementia not a god given gift.

    • lesterthegiantape

      you had me at yiffing

    • chimichanga

      I’ll have what she’s eating…

  • lesterthegiantape

    I had conversational discourse with a linguist some years ago who was amused to note that people speaking in tongues only ever used the vocalizations common in their language group. So for example American preachers don’t suddenly start sounding Chinese, Arabic, clicking like the !Kung, or busting out the Aryan glottal stops (say, you know who ELSE –)

    The point is, it seems odd that the god Ywh would allow all these regional dialects of his special ecstatic religion language. It seems like it would probably sound Sumerian or Aramaic, not like a guy from Alabama having a seizure.

    • Vienna Woods

      Hey, that linguist sounds pretty cunning.

      • lesterthegiantape

        By incredible coincidence he wrote a book with a similar title. You may have heard of “The Cunning Linguist” by E. Tingpusi. Same guy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Oddly enough, the comedian Sid Caesar had a routine which he performed throughout his career in which he would pretend to speak in an assortment of languages, none of which he knew. The order was French, German, Italian and Japanese and it was all double talk but he had the sounds and rhythms of the languages down perfectly. If I had been listening to his French without concentrating, I would have assumed he was a fluent speaker though he wasn’t actually saying anything. There are numerous Youtube videos demonstrating this eccentric gift.

      • lesterthegiantape

        He missed his calling doing church TV.

  • we are thinking it’s unlikely most [Christians] are trying to pray in English

    Pat meant the Christians whose prayers God can actually understand.

  • proudgrampa

    “She also struggled, once upon a time, with how to use her tongue…”
    ISWYDT

  • Mathew G. Smith

    This always confuses me. To most Christians “speaking in tongues” is a miraculous ability only a handful of early church leaders possessed which was to speak in their own language and be understood by listeners as if it had been in the listener’s native language. So how did a small subset of Protestants get the idea that it’s the complete opposite of that?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I imagine it went something like this: A fundy Pastor, full of the Holy Spirit and moonshine, fell to the ground gurgling and shouting incoherently.

      Follower: Is the Pastor drunk?

      Assistant pastor: Naw, he’s, uhhhh, speakin’ in tongues. It’s in the Bye-a-ble.

    • azeyote

      probably from the deep south whar they all speak mericun tounge y’all

  • Peter4011

    I’m really sorry, but I may have to quit reading Wonkette. The ads that pull you out of an article 5 or 6 times are bad enough, but the new ones that hijack my browser and try to install malware are completely unacceptable. If it continues I am gone.

    • PROTIP: Adblock, then make donations if you feel guilty.

      • Peter4011

        I donate, and I don’t mind ads – don’t block – but bad ads drive away customers and readers.

      • Peter4011

        I actually have my Bernie shirt on right now

  • Tim Drake

    I have seen this in person. It is baffling and stupid.

  • fifthdentist

    Be careful what you wish for, Gary. Last time I used my tongue to make the Holy Spirit go ‘a gushing it took me weeks to clean it all up.

  • ViveLaRes

    So, to summarize…. you use the vernacular to ask for the special language but God can’t give it to you until you ask for it in the special language that you haven’t got yet because you keep asking for it in the vernacular.
    I’m starting to see why these morons thought George Bush and Sarah Palin made sense.

  • azeyote

    all that foreign tongue action, with the chants of fill me, and then finally letting him do it is a little kinky – and ya have to tithe afterwards like any brothel – is there a donkey backstage ?

  • Bob Harrow

    Poo poo

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