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UH OH SHOTS FIRED! Grandpa Pat Robertson is real glad Kim Davis is standing up for Jesus Christ’s true message, which is “PEEEEE-YEW! Notice how I never said Blessed Are The Icky Homos? They’re the BEATITUDES, not the BE-FAG-ITUDES.” (Exact quote from the book of John.) But — and Pat’s trying to be a gentleman about this — the sad fact is that Davis is less than ideal as a messenger of God’s divine wrath against the homosexuals, due to how she is … well, you know ladies of A Certain Kind … what he’s trying to say is that she’s a Slutty McSlutterstein who is the mayor of Slut Town, which is the capital of Whore Island:

Kim Davis is not exactly the champion we’d all want to stand up for our beliefs, but nevertheless she did it and she’s the heroine of the piece.

Wonder what he’s talking about. Oh maybe he means like how this one time, Kim Davis was married to her first husband, but she was fuckin’ this other guy at the time, who we’ll call “her eventual third husband,” and he got her pregnant. Then she divorced Husband A and married Husband 2, whom we’ll call “Joe,” because that’s his name. He adopted the fruits of her sexytime with her Eventual Third Husband. Then she divorced Joe and married her baby daddy, and then she divorced HIM, because she wanted to marry Joe again, for the SEXXX.

 

Gonna be so much sex later.

Pat continued, saying that “there’ll be many, many others,” and he did not add that he really is praying to Jesus that they’re not all reformed whores like Kim. Guess that’s just between Pat and his prayer shawl.

Earlier in the interview, he explained that this is all happening because (we seem to be hearing this a lot lately!) it’s now a crime to love Jesus so much:

We are a Christian nation. What Huckabee said, the criminalization of Christianity, can you believe 100 years later, 150 or 30, 40, how many years it is, later, Christianity, the founding principle of this nation, is criminalized. You go to jail if you believe in God.

Wow, guess we’re going to need a bigger jail! Have we really, as Mike Huckabee seems to believe, criminalized Christianity? Because 3 out of 4 Americans still believe in God, which leads us to believe maybe these gentlemen are being, in scientific terms, giant fucking queens about all this. Kim Davis went to jail, FOR THE ZILLIONTH TIME, because she is an elected official who refused to do her job, even after multiple courts told her to do her job, and she was held in contempt. If she would just resign, none of this would be happening. Davis would be free to do a different job, like crocheting Bible cozies with cupholders for 40-ounce Michelob Light bottles, to sell on Etsy, or even Christian Mingle, if she has an account there. (Probably how she found husbands six and seven, who are still TBA.) But if she wants to be a public servant in the US and A, she has to abide by the law. SORRY IF THAT FEELS LIKE PERSECUTION.

These people are going to be so disappointed when they reach the pearly gates, and instead of “Well done, my good and faithful servant,” Jesus says “MAN, you wasted your life being a real fuckin’ dick, didn’t you?” Or as the Bible phrases it, “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!”

[JoeMyGod]

 

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  • Nounverb911

    Why does Huckabee’s wife have the look of surprise on her face? Does Davis have her hand up her dress?

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Probably should just dispense with that whole:

    Matthew 7:1-3 King James Version (KJV)

    7 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

    2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

    3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?

    • thirdeblue

      What kind of hippie bullshit is that?

    • onedollarjuana

      It’s not a beam. It’s a joist.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s the entire Siberian Taiga, in the case of Pat Robertson and Mike Hucksterbee.

      • SnarkTank

        You want them lintels rabbitted?
        (+5 SnarkTank Internet Points to anyone who gets this….)

        • topjob66t

          “It sounded less expensive to say no.”

          • SnarkTank

            I’m impressed!

          • topjob66t

            Comes with age. Of course I lie. But I do know something about carpentry. And aware of the terms. The fun was learning where your quote came from. And you did well to spark interest.

        • arglebargle

          Mmmmmmmm… rabbit lentil stew

        • Paul Dietzel

          “I thought he was a lawyer. Why isn’t he out suing somebody?”

        • Querolous

          I’ll take ‘most any kind of joint.

          • topjob66t

            So long as it fits.

        • Playonwords

          Only if you use a chasing saw

    • vivian

      Pics or it didn’t happen.

  • kindness

    I for one welcome our new Slutty Overlords (and can’t wait for the after party).

  • cleanfront

    Mike’s wife has got a pearl necklace … (giggle, giggle, giggle)

    • Playonwords

      Cue a song to the tune of “Volare, Cantare” by Dean Martin

      “Bukake oh oh, Canned Turkey ohohohoh”

  • AlanInSF

    Am I the only one losing patience with the slow pace of the round-up? Those Walmart basements aren’t going to fill themselves, Mr. “President.”

    • elviouslyqueer

      For real. It’s Jade Helm time! Get to it, Barry.

    • No kidding. In two months, they managed to imprison one Christian. And she got out before they even put the APB out on a second!

  • Tallmutha

    Just because Ms. Davis went down on everything but the Titanic, that doesn’t mean she can’t be a good prophet of the Christ, now that Jesus touched her and she’s a good faithful wife to Junior Samples there.

    • chicken thief

      Show us on the doll where Jesus touch….. aw, never mind. We don’t really wanna know.

      • Ergoetal

        “I haven’t got a doll, but here, I’ll show you on this basketball.”

        • tinywriting

          Win!

    • tinywriting

      ‘Jesus touched her’. Was it in her bathing suit place?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Anywhere Jesus touches you, it’s your bathing suit place…

        • tinywriting

          Wait, what?

      • Zippy

        her wherever

  • marxalot

    Lich nixes bitch, film at 11.

  • Toomush_Infer

    “100, 150, 130 years old… I don’t remember how old I am….where am I?…anyway, pay up, you hosers….”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    If the early christianistas were anything like these idiots, one would have to be inclined to be a bit more sympathetic to the emperors about the whole idea of turning to the lions for help.

    • thirdeblue

      I suspect the religious hoi polloi of any people of any age were not particularly thoughtful, even-handed, or self-restrained.

      • Boscoe

        Unfortunately for us all, Constantine foolishly miscalculated when he gambled that religion was a useful tool for controlling those nutcases…

        • Toomush_Infer

          Just like Yub!, it was his Mom’s fault…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Actually, that is the very reason the early Christians were persecuted. The Romans allowed conquered peoples to practice their own religions, because they didn’t want to mess with the shitstorm of forcing them to convert to Roman beliefs. Shit like that costs way too much money for little or no return. The early Christians went into other peoples’ places of worship, threw down their leaders, and started preaching from their pulpits that their God was the only true God. The other religions were getting way pissed, and the Romans stepped in to keep the peace.

  • NotReveen

    Kim Davis obviously has some severe mental problems.

  • elviouslyqueer

    We are a Christian nation.

    Oh, shut the actual fuck up, Methuselah.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kxKA4JBesB4

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Isn’t the whole idea that “sinners” can be redeemed and do “great works” for the Lord? Or is that supposed to be consistent with judgemental, backstabbing gossip at Heaven’s water cooler?

  • Jeamonn

    SOOOOO going to Whore Island.

  • chicken thief

    But Pat, if Kim gets all sick like, I can still bone some hot younger honey, right?

    ~ Joe Davis, aka #2 & 4

    • tinywriting

      As long as she’s your sister.

  • TheBidenator

    If she’s the mayor of Whore Island I’m tearing up my ticket to go visit….that’s more like Leviathan Island.

  • Beowoof14

    More evidence Pat doesn’t read his Bible, cause if he did, he would have noticed the Jesus and God never picked the perfect messenger, but someone deeply flawed. Damn, I went to a Catholic college and I know more about this stuff than this scum bag grifter asshole does.

    • Relativicus

      That’s just because the Pope rules and Protestants drool!!! Woooooooo!!! Yay, Pope!!!!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I mean, wasn’t that the entire point of bypassing the learned men of the Torah for everyday schlubs?

    • marxalot

      For the Lord has chosen the weak things of this world to confound the mighty, and the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.

      So maybe these rubes are the pawns of the Almighty…

      • eddi

        Proving once more God has a sense of humor and like to make us laugh.

    • Reddishrabbit

      In suspect it helps that they are a tad more scientific interested, they have an observatory and multiply world class college. Pretty sure Liberty U hasn’t quite reached Notre Dame, Georgetown, etc level.

  • TheBidenator

    My favorite pic out of all of this including the Beverly Hillbillies cosplay above is that sad photobomb of Ted Cruz lurking over the shoulder of Simple Jack there whilst some other wingnut minor leaguer gets a picture….just hilarious.

    • Toomush_Infer

      y’know, I kind of wonder – did Ted get down there and realize this was too crazy even for him? – let the Hucker have it?…

      • thenearesthippie

        Apparently, one of the Huckster’s aides totally cock blocked the hapless Cubanadian senator when he tried to participate in the public pandering and picture taking.

        • eddi

          Only one candidate per persecution, please.

        • SadDemInTex

          Cubanadian! I must steal for future use. Thanks!

  • Skwerl King

    can you believe 100 years later, 150 or 30, 40, how many years it is, later, Christianity, the founding principle of this nation, is criminalized.

    It’s sad. Ol’ Man Robertson thinks it’s 1904 again. I really can’t blame him trying to remember how old the nation is because the acronyms CSA and USA are easy to confuse and what with all the neurons deteriorating and sins that need stomping one forgets who won the Civil War.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sort of like how Pat misremembered the Class VI warehouse in Tokyo for a Korean battlefield.

  • Sam Hain

    Yeah but….’Misery’ loves company.

    • Playonwords

      Misery also likes a sledgehammer and ankles.

  • topjob66t

    When I saw that pic of farmer Boob yesterday I thought it was a photo shop thing. But by golly it was a real thing. That’s when I got a little fearful for the human race.

    • Randy Riddle

      If that’s how he dresses up to meet a candidate for the country’s highest office, imagine how he suits up for a trip to Walmart.

      • 24601
        • topjob66t

          There is nothing finer to make your day than a visit to People of Walmart. I can never decide which is funnier, the pic of someone who shit their pants or the ones where the colostomy bag is hanging around their knees. Oh there’s plenty more than that of course.

        • eddi

          Well, so much for eating dinner tonight.

      • topjob66t

        I envision a colostomy bag hanging around his knees. Actual pics of that from a site!

    • Skwerl King

      They’re a breedin’.

    • 24601

      I wonder if they share a marital bed or if he just dry humps her 80K paychecks.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s about the meal ticket, for sure.

        • 24601

          That explains why she’s had so many ‘takers’.

  • Randy Riddle

    I’ll be glad when they get all the FEMA reeducation camps finished.

    • Rick Hill

      We’ll land on Mars before that happens….

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sadly, both are unlikely in any case.

        We should have a fucking base on the Moon, dammit. It won’t be long now before the last man to walk on the Moon will have passed.

        • Angry_Cop

          This is one of my pet peeves: when I was born, we had spacecraft capable of taking men to low orbit, high orbit, the moon. We had passenger aircraft that could cross the Atlantic in under three hours. We had a functional educational system that nationally turned out students acquainted with the basics in math, science, literature and writing.

          We now have none of those things. NOT ONE.

          Deevolution is a fact, not a cute band name.

          • Doug White

            While I understand your frustration, the fact is that we turn out more scientific discoveries now then we did in the 1970s… we’re just focused on different things. If people thought space flight was important enough, we’d be on Mars already, but despite the chatter about how much new technology we get from the space program, the fact is we get that new technology from whatever programs we invest in, and space is not as good an overall return on investment dollars as clean energy research or nanotechnology, materials science, etc. has proven to be…

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Your laptop is the direct result of the Apollo program.

          • Joseph

            What caused the Apple? I need someone to hunt down.

          • Zyxomma

            Elon Musk is trying to get us to Mars.

          • Reddishrabbit

            I was just thinking of the Concorde. I always wanted to fly on it, but no more.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Well, gene editing is now down to about $30, using CRISPRs, according to Singularity Hub….so there’s that…

          • Zyxomma

            I had a dream about it once. It was outside my home, peeking in my windows like a bird (I have a relationship with a number of wild birds), waiting for me to board.

      • Playonwords

        But … but … there is already a human presence on Mars. The CIA teleported Obama to their secret base on the Red Planet.

        • Rick Hill

          Sshhh! The first rule of the secret base on Mars is you don’t talk about the secret base on Mars. Jeez, didn’t you make it to the briefings?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    John Adams, known Mooslim extremist, disagrees with you about that “Christian Nation” part, Pat, you vile theofascist fuck.

  • Belasaurius

    hmm, jailing 75% of the citizenry for being a Christian? Even if we did that, there’d still be a morning traffic jam where I live

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well of course. It’s the agnostics and atheists who actually work for a living.

    • 24601

      How about just a Rapture instead? No muss. No fuss. And we’d have all that peace and quiet and elbow room.

      • Rick Gardner

        does rapturing involve for profit prisons ? Imagine the christian slaves doing the lord’s work , for a corporateperson who is being showered with riches to show how god loves it …

        • Msgr_Moment

          Rapture requires Debbie Harry, if done correctly.

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHCdS7O248g

          • Rick Gardner

            Debbie’s Rapture and Kim’s Rapture are not the same thing , they are opposite things . Debbie is to die for , and Kim ….

      • Playonwords

        The rapture would be fun to watch. Those ecstatic faces, eyes closed in wonder as they are drawn into the air. Higher and higher they float with all the skeevy perverts hogging the telescopes to see up-skirt snotty girls with the silver rings who totally negged them at school (unless you were unlucky and saw up Kim Davis’ skirt instead).

        Higher still they rise into the pure blue sky where the first signs of doubt appear as it seems rather cold and oxygen is in short supply – but God will take care of that soon and ,sure enough, the pace of the ascension increases and the sky darkens. The speed increases again so that it becomes a race between hypoxia and hypothermia. Some stay alive long enough to be puzzled as extremist Muslims, Jews and Hindu are being raptured with them. But the puzzlement does not last long as, like a flickering candle, their consciousness is snuffed out.

        The rise of these bodies ceases and for a wondrous instant all is peace until they start to fall, a meteor storm of corpsicles burning up as shooting stars and scattering their nutrients across the globe. The sadness of those who remain is lightened as words of comfort are directly planted in their minds along with the admonition, “GET THE PLANET SORTED OUT THEN GET INTO SPACE AND START LEARNING.”

    • MrBlobfish

      Jeez. Where do you live? Kolkata?

  • Mavenmaven

    She’s on FarmersOnly.com, of course.

    • Zyxomma

      That was hilarious. Rural dating, senior dating, Christian dating, family values dating, all rolled into one. Count me out.

  • Callyson

    the criminalization of Christianity, can you believe 100 years later, 150 or 30, 40, how many years it is, later, Christianity, the founding principle of this nation, is criminalized. You go to jail if you believe in God

    • Zippy

      Show me the law, Pat

    • I believe in God. And I went to Church on Sunday with my kids. Somehow I remain free. Perhaps it might be because I didn’t disobey a legal court order.

      I know, I know, that’s probably just crazy talk.

      • MsAnthropesMr

        It is crazy talk. As I reported earlier, all the Christians on my street have disappeared. They must be in jail.

        • jodyleek

          Are you sure it isn’t the rapture? End times and all, dontcha know.

          • handyhippie65

            if only…

          • Boscoe

            I maintain that the Rapture already happened and nobody was deemed acceptable…

          • eddi

            144,000 people could disappear on a given day and be unnoticed.

  • Zippy

    Won’t you take me to slut town?

    • cousin itt

      It’s a slippery slope.

      • 24601

        You can take a canoe.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          A douchecanoe?

        • Zippy

          definitely gonna need that canoe to get to whoor island

          • Rick Hill

            Boehner island

        • Playonwords

          Is that a canoe in your pocket or a really bad case of elephantiasis?

  • Zippy
    • Gorillionaire

      He should be careful, I think Wingnut Welfare Inc is running out of jobs.

    • Callyson

      I’d like to believe, but we know what happened with Ted Nugent’s promise of what he’d do if Obama were re-elected.

      Yeah yeah, with votes (or in his case crappy record and concert ticket sales)…

    • 24601

      Jeezus, Louie. Put your pants back on. It’s a psych exam. (Refresh at your peril)

      https://i.imgur.com/er0vRFB.jpg

      • eddi

        Hoo. And I though Vagina Stadium was bad.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, I’d say that Louie is as likely to follow through as Rush Limbaugh’s threat to move to Costa Rica, or Ted Nugent’s “dead or in jail” threat from three years back.

      • thenearesthippie

        Or Hannity’s promise to leave New York.

      • eddi

        Drama queens are always threatening to do drastic things. But they never take the knife when it’s offered in the spirit getting it over with.

    • chicken thief

      OH NOZ!111!!!!!

      But look at that really Preznitial looking tie….

      • Joseph

        Are his eyes getting closer togetehr?

        • 3583818

          Yes.

      • Angry_Cop

        He looks like he’s missing his entire frontal lobe.

        • thenearesthippie

          And yet, he still doesn’t look as dimwitted as Scott Walker.

        • Dee Andee

          Kim should give him some of her fivehead.

          • Playonwords

            Are you saying Kim Davis should hive Louie Gohmert head?? Brain Bleach stat!

    • calliecallie

      that should be just the motivation they need to pass the deal.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I support Rep. Gohmert’s bold decision to rid Congress of its most idiotic member.

      #IStandWithLouie

      Perfect!

  • Anarchy Pony

    Christianity isn’t a founding principle of the nation, and disallowing asshats from using it as an excuse to be asshats isn’t criminalization. FFS!

  • Rick Hill

    I don;t know. Christians keep christianing like this and maybe putting them in jail would be a good thing. Take care of our for profit prisons too.

    • tomamitai

      Turn them into for prophet prisons!

      • Joseph

        Ohhhhh!

        • Rick Hill

          Now you’re going to crucify him for that, aren’t you? I’m washing my hands of this and staying out of it….

          • eddi

            I think he nailed the pun.

      • 3583818

        Extra point is good

  • Johnny

    This will be next….

    • sillyclucker

      What will be next, Johnny?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Refresh the page so the gif shows up! :)

        • sillyclucker

          Ah ha! A free gif!

    • Takoma DC

      Fantastic!

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  • cousin itt

    Kim deserves a simple Klingon discommendation ritual and then dissed at the Pearly Gates.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      One way ticket to Gre’thor for Kim.

  • Christianity, the founding principle of this nation, is criminalized.

    It would explain a lot if Robertson has actually spent the last decade alone in a prison cell, losing his mind in front of the security camera.

    • Doug White

      Even better… it was the founding principal of our nation 100 or 130 or whatever years ago… you know… in the late 1800s when America was founded!!!!

      • Never let basic facts get in the way of a good screed.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?”

          • Querolous

            No, it was over when John Wayne and St. Ronnie captured the Alamo from the Japanese.

          • eddi

            With help from Bill O’Reilly.

  • sosuume

    Couldn’t figure out how this chick attracted all those husbands… until I saw the rube she’s now married to. Mystery solved.

    • Zippy

      $80,000 per year in rural KY. It’s really not that hard to figure out…

      • spacecat in space

        Wait ’til he finds out his Sugar Momma is full of ants.

    • Joseph

      Go to Kentuky. Look at the men. Look at the women. She is actually quite a catch. Mobile. Weighs less than a pickup truck. Has hair. Some teeth.

      Expectations are not high in Kentucky.

      • Takoma DC

        Great pendulous breasts and brings home $80,000 a year. That’s a whole lotta’ Mountain Dew and pork rinds.

        • bozilingus

          She has huuuuuuge tracts of land, also, too.

          • Takoma DC

            Oh well since she has teeth and is a land-owning trollop, she actually does have the right to run rough shod over the happiness and rights of others. Unless of course they have more teeth and more land. Then they’ve the right to trollop shame her in the village square, leg wrastle her hubby, pick a rooster and 2 hens, and also too take her youngest babby to raise as their own. That’s Kentucky law.

      • Takoma DC

        “Some teeth.” Lol.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The woman makes $80K a year in fucking Kentucky! The only way to move up from that would be to marry Queen Eiizabeth, which Hubby #2/4 could easily do since he’s got the whole hat thing down.

  • Joshua Norton

    You go to jail if you believe in God.

    Uh, Pat. Not to rain on your pity parade, but I notice you’re not exactly broadcasting from a holding cell, so what’s your point, exactly?

    • Takoma DC

      The Bible is full of characters who believed in God, yet were imprisoned, enslaved, or tortured. I don’t get his point? Furthermore, if those biblical characters are (as is taught in all Christian denominations) to be admired, revered, and in the case of Jesus emulated and loved – then isn’t that walking in Christ’s path?

      It’s not Christ-like to kevetch is all I’m sayin’.

      • eddi

        I didn’t know Fox’s Book of Martyrs was in the Bible.

      • RJ (TO)

        Yeah, even Jesus took the nails like a champ.

    • JDM

      Pat has an out. He doesn’t believe in God; he believes in money.

  • MrBlobfish

    Small world. I called her a whore just like five minutes ago.

  • LesBontemps

    It’s so unfair how Christians in this country are such a persecuted minority that they can’t even operate their own television networks or rake in tax-free dollars to their megachurches or have their holidays observed by the government or invoke their God at public events.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I was slumming on a ‘conservative’ hostile wingnut site which Shall Not Be Named {cough *newsbusters* cough} and a charming fellow I met there suggested that a HUGE number of, maybe most, gay-hatin’ Christians, a.k.a. “real” Christians, would be caught up by the law on this basis eventually, because so many goods and services intersect with the wedding-industrial complex; e.g. bakers, printers, hotel owners, bed & breakfast owners, caterers, tailors, website designers, etc.

    Although I thought he was being rather hyperbolic, I did have to concede that there was a grain of truth to what he was saying. In theory, a lot of bigoted “Christians” could go to jail, lose their licenses, etc., for not being willing to concretely support gay marriage. To this I say… Good! Fuck ’em. Fuck ’em in their bigoted little eyesockets; I have zero sympathy.

    Is the ‘danger’ at all real? and is that the right position? What say you?

    • OneDemin EOr

      I kinda like the “zero sympathy” part, so that has my vote.

    • Takoma DC

      Racist fuck faces had the same argument after Civil Rights Bill was enacted.

      Racist fuckety fucktard cried them same bitter tears when miscegenation laws and segregation were ruled unconstitutional.

      Sexist fuck faces had similar weak arguments with Women’s Rights Movement.

      Exploitative dick weasels had similar lame excuses when labor rights laws were made law of the land, when child labor laws were passed, when minimum wage was created. It’s the same assholes that keep shitting on the American Dream. Only the dates and stench change.

      We’ve plugged up millions of angry assholes and they withered away and died. Only to discover millions more in their stead.

      Now with social media the American landscape looks like one big shitfest.

      They’ll never stop shitting on the rights of others. They’ll never agree to allow others to pursue their own definition of happiness when it doesn’t mesh with theirs. The only rights and happiness they care about are their own.

      • laineypc

        “We’ve plugged up millions of angry assholes and they withered away and died. Only to discover millions more in their stead.”

        Welcome to the human race. It’s what we do.

    • Takoma DC

      What I don’t understand is why would same sex couples want to provide income to such loathsome people? I’m not gay but will not shop at Target because they support GOP and conservative groups. It bothers me that gay designers sell their crap at Target. I also refuse to shop at Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters because the owner is a a hardcore republican. In 2008 he gave Santorum lots of $.

    • Playonwords

      If it’s a fact that True Christian Bigots™ are threatened by this, then it seems like a good beginning. A better beginning would be actually martyring them but you’ve got to take what you can get.

      Actually the large number of True Christian Bigots™ that would be negatively affected is probably a tiny fraction of the large number of LGBT who are out there and face discrimination and loathing from True Christian Bigots™ on a daily basis. Additionally it might also serve as a warning to True Christian Bigots™ to get their disgusting shit stained noses out of other peoples business and concentrate on developing actual morals and ethics as opposed to the vile standards promoted by early Iron Age sociopaths.

  • Land Shark

    [clang]
    Bring out your dead!
    CUSTOMER: Here’s one — nine pence.
    REV. PAT: I’m not dead!
    MORTICIAN: What?
    CUSTOMER: Nothing — here’s your nine pence.
    REV. PAT: I’m not dead!
    MORTICIAN: Here — he says he’s not dead!
    CUSTOMER: Yes, he is.
    REV. PAT: I’m not!
    MORTICIAN: He isn’t.
    CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.
    REV. PAT: I’m getting better!
    CUSTOMER: No, you’re not — you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
    MORTICIAN: Oh, I can’t take him like that — it’s against regulations.
    REV. PAT: I don’t want to go in the cart!
    CUSTOMER: Oh, don’t be such a baby.
    MORTICIAN: I can’t take him…
    REV. PAT: I feel fine!
    CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor…
    MORTICIAN: I can’t.
    CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t
    be long.
    MORTICIAN: Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson’s — they’ve lost nine
    today.
    CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
    MORTICIAN: Thursday.
    REV. PAT: I think I’ll go for a walk.
    CUSTOMER: You’re not fooling anyone y’know. Look, isn’t there
    something you can do?
    REV. PAT: I feel happy… I feel happy.
    [whop]
    CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
    MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
    CUSTOMER: Right.
    [clop clop]

    with votes.

    • Zippy

      RIP Terry Gilliam

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “He’s not dead yet!”

        • JDM

          This’ll kill him

  • Marie Watkins Crocker

    I don’t want the Christianists to be jailed, I just want them to be led, gently, by the hand, to excellent care facilities where they can get the medications and counselling they so clearly need. I’m a benevolent atheist…

  • handyhippie65

    pat is proof of the saying only the good die young.

  • Takoma DC

    My hand to Bacchus, I thought Pat Robertson died like 2 years ago. Is he really still with? Or does he return in earthly form during Gay Sodomite times of Christian Crisis?

    • eddi

      They implanted speakers and some animatronic bits.

      • Takoma DC

        Like Disneyland!

        • eddi

          Lower budget. Chinese electronics.

          • Takoma DC

            Korean @ Disney.

  • greyXstar

    You mean to tell me the guy who thinks America is only 100 years old also thinks it was built as a theocracy?
    I’m shocked.

  • Last Hussar

    Its a good job JEBUS didn’t hang out with sluts and harlots, and be nice to them.

  • What’s It 2 you/2.0

    Papa Pat, you can’t say that!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    How much did Pat say his viewing audience needed to cough up to get God to fix this?

  • bozilingus

    This just announced, Kim Davis had an Ashley Madison account:

    —https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ—

    • Wow, a genuine old-timey Rickroll, which might have worked if you understood that videos are imbedded rather than linked, lol.

  • beatbort

    What does Huckabee say to his wife when he wants to have sex?
    “Lie back and think of Jesus”?
    or
    “The good book says it’s your duty to put out”?

    Let’s have a vote!

    • thenearesthippie

      “I’ll be Josh Duggar and you be my little sister.”

      • Werewolf

        Golf clap. And “EW!” also, too.

    • Takoma DC

      Rev. Huckabee says, “Joshie, I’m a bit tuckered out tonight. And I’ve been bad, real real bad. I call bottoms!”

  • Me not sure

    “Well the Bible has a simple solution. The righteous men of the Rowan County should round up both all of the homosexuals AND the harlots like Mrs. Davis and line them all up against a solid wall. Then each righteous man should pick up a stone of lethal weight and hurl…………”

    • Takoma DC

      That’s OT justice.

      Jesus the Christ changed all that madness. They’ve not yet read the memo.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Damn big memo to miss. It is nearly as big as the first memo

        • Takoma DC

          I know right?! :-) Ignore is a better way to splain their approach to the good book.

          • eddi

            I want to see some stats on how many American Christians have read the whole Bible, just the Old Testament or just the New Testament. Then how many atheists have done so.

          • Takoma DC

            Probably more atheists.

          • Zyxomma

            You can be certain the atheists outnumber the devout. We read more.

      • eddi

        This bunch never read the New Testament. Jay is a wimp, a Commie and a government shill. “Render unto Caesar” indeed. “Love one another” gay!!

        • Takoma DC

          I know it’s infuriating. I don’t believe in the historical Jesus but the philosophy attributed to the Jesus Christ character is wonderful imho. But none of these fuckers practice Christ’s teachings very much, if at all.

          • JDM

            If you don’t look too close. That cursing the fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season thing was the act of someone with serious issues.

          • Takoma DC

            Of course he had issues. Did you read what his daddy did?

          • Odd Jørgensen

            The teachings of Jebus is only sensible if the world is coming to an immediate end. Give no thought for tomorrow, don`t tend your land, sell all your shit and give it away etc. His rantings were pretty much destructive for any one stupid enough to take heed of his words.
            I see no difference between the Jebus of the babble and Harold Camping.

        • longtail

          It’s a good book but awfully long. They haven’t got to the New Testament yet.

    • eddi

      Just don’t anyone say Jehovah. (thud, OUCH)

      • Odd Jørgensen

        no one is to throw any stones until I say so, even if some one DO say Jehovah! Is that clear?!?!…Alright, who threw that?

        • eddi

          The whole movie is fun, but that scene floors me every time. If someone out there hasn’t seen Life of Brian yet, grab a copy. The Monty Python crew outdo themselves.

          • NorthernSaber

            I knew that film was going to be next-level when a friend and I had to walk through a phalanx of angry Baptist women (standing in a downpour, no less) to see it in Waterville, ME a jillion years ago. And lo, verily was it fucking hysterical…

          • eddi

            Yeah. The reaction of the Moral Majority was a nice bonus.

      • bardgal

        You win the internets today with the Life of Brian (a very naughty boy) reference.

        • eddi

          Thank you. My old Internet was getting a little frayed.

  • JBenningfield

    Oh Uncle Pat, you crazy old mofo. You wear more makeup than my dead gramma. Nobody is harshing your Jesus-mellow. Promise.

    • Athirson

      It takes a spatula to apply all that makeup, and a chisel with a blowtorch to get it off. No wonder it costs so much to be a part of Pat’s cult

  • VandeGraf

    That Christianity is the founding principle of this nation is not just a lie, it’s a goddam lie! And Kimster is not a whore for her sexual proclivities, but is definitely a whore for not resigning her $80k annual salary job, which would have been the appropriate response to the Attack of the Gay Establishment. But, no, she wanted to hang onto the cash, and also too the patronage job for one of her offspring, so she agreed to a technical work around, which will NOT help her save face, or her soul, but will continue to ladle the honey into her bank account.

    • eddi

      Follow the, follow the, follow the money.

  • HITO

    These people’s religious liberty requires everyone else sacrificing their civil liberties. Screw that.

    • eddi

      You just have to convert and become one of them. Easy-Peasy after the court required lobotomy.

  • Treehopper1104

    Funny how someone who claims to be so well informed about the founding of the country can get the date off by about 100 years.

  • Badger33

    He’s still alive?

  • HITO

    It’s just weird that her attorney, Staver, addressed her separation from her husband Joe as much as he did just after exiting jail with Davis in tow. He seemed to suggest that she needed to get home and fulfill her wifely duties to poor Joe who had gone 6 days without being serviced:

    “She’s been away from her husband and family for 6 days, she’s only been able to visit with Joe on one day, on Sunday for a brief while through glass. Today they were able to hug each other for the first time in five – six days. And so we want to be able to give Kim some opportunity to go back with her husband Joe and to just rest for the rest of the day.”

    At the 2:06 mark

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcd_wT0Yxd0

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      Also note that he had to specify which husband by name…

      • HITO

        but he left out the descriptive terms “#2 and #4” which most people know Mr. Overalls as.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Rest for the rest of the day, after we drag her all over the place for photo ops, of course

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        But first!…Let’s all dance to “Eye of the Tiger”!

        • Takoma DC

          I know. Absolutely no Christian humility or quiet reflection. Not even a hymn, or gospel song.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Poor fellow been starving in front of the fridge, Prolly not knowing how to operate the gadgetry of toasters and microwaves, he can at long last get a sammich again.

    • Takoma DC

      The reason Staver is bringing up her separation from her male husband and family so much is because that’s the crux of their argument; marriage is between a man and a woman.

      They believe the Supreme Court has “inserted a lie” into law. And for that reason, feel compelled and justified in defying the law.

      • bardgal

        Then they’re complete fohkin eeeejits because “Marriage” the LEGAL contract, (the only one recognized by the Gov) ≠ “Marriage” The Religious Sacrament which is what a church does (although that isn’t a LEGAL marriage.) Kim doesn’t work for a church, so inserting religion into her job is completely insane ignorance.

        • Takoma DC

          Exactly!

      • HITO

        oh, so Staver was suggestively sexual because only heterosexuals suffer from lack-of-partner sex due to one partner being imprisoned. Jesus, what could be wrong with that batshitcrazy thought ?

        • Takoma DC

          I never said Staver emphasizes her being away from her husband and family due to “lack-of-partner sex”. Maybe that is the reason, I DO NOT KNOW.

          My personal interpretation of what he was suggesting was that his client is in a traditional marriage and has children. Fundamentalist-Fuck-Face code that Davis is ” normal ” and therefore better-than-lezzie-homo- scissoring-buttsexing persons.

          • HITO

            Jeebus, dude – I’m on your side. Let’s start over, OK?

          • Takoma DC

            Peace!

  • Markuserektus

    Cool thing is, Davis gets paid for sitting in jail and her week off while she recuperates. Elected officials in KY get paid whether they work or not!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Well, they’ve been paying her for months when she refused to work, so an extra few days off with pay is no big deal

    • ez

      socialism

  • Billy Rubin

    *Everybody* wins in a kook fight! Well, other than the kooks…

  • laineypc

    Evan, you know that prayer shawls are for the Jewses, right? Secondly, Pat should be applauding how she’s all redeemified now or indemnified or whatever it is that Jesus does when you do a whore thing and feel sorry about it later. She figures the best way to show Jesus you’re sorry is to hate the gays, so all the whoring no longer counts because forgiveness. She is exactly the champion any Christian would want. Chistiansplained for you, Pat. and Evan.

  • RJ (TO)

    “These people are going to be so disappointed when they reach the pearly gates…”

    I don’t think they’ll even get that far.

    • Odd Jørgensen

      Someone needs to do a skit with all the bigots ending up before St.Pete and getting the snot kicked out of them before being shown the elevator downstairs.

  • Sterculius

    Stare at that picture long enough and you will hear banjos playing.

    • Takoma DC

      And piggies squeeling.

  • Bobwurst

    I’m pretty sure ole Pat said “whore-a-win” not “heroine”.

  • Evan Hurst, I know it’s tough to listen to Roberston’s nonsense, but if you are going to quote him, you’d better get it right.

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    • Odd Jørgensen

      Fuck your mates sister, and fuck you too!

  • E.A. Blair

    Rumor has it that Davis was the only non-bot female on Ashley Madison.

    • Bammac

      (Laughing)

  • Mark Breitinger

    I believe the proper spelling is “hoo-er”. Use your phonetics, people!

  • longtail

    I would have said the county taxpayers were being discriminated against by having to pay a clerk who won’t do her job.

    • LadyLaz

      Bingo. As this farce has proceeded, I remain absolutely flabbergasted that people do not see that Kim Davis is why we have the first amendment….. to protect us, the public, from her! As an elected official, she is the government denying private citizens government services based on her personal religion! Huckabee is nothing but an idiot, but Cruz was a supreme court clerk. He knows better. What ever respect I had for him is gone.

  • Incoming Ham

    I had no idea the Constitution was written in the 1890s, which is when the US was established as a Christian Nation ™ because a judge said something once. All of that malarky that happened in 1776 with those heretics Adams and Jefferson and the fact that the Founding Fathers ™ forgot to put the words “We are a Christian Nation” in the constitution are just irrelevant. They forgot a lot of stuff like “The right to own a shoulder held rocket launcher shall not be infringed” and “Women shall have no access to necessary health care as they are merely incubators made to bear fruit to please the Creator”

    The 2nd Amendment, however is totally unquestionably, undeniably, and most of the time nonsensically relevant in ways it that the Founding Fathers ™ never intended.

  • Takoma DC

    Missy Kim Davis issues divorces. Ain’t that against Gawd?

  • Zyxomma

    I really do lack the derpamine receptors necessary to understand these morans. Either that, or my derpamine antagonists are working overtime.

  • Athirson

    Wasn’t Mary Magdalene one of those too? Or was that just one of those ugly Dark Ages rumours?

    • No. Magalene and the woman who washed Jesus’s feet were two different people. But no one ever let facts* get in the way of a good urban legend.

      [*Not that I’m saying what happened in the Bible was facts, I just mean the facts of the actual Biblical narrative.]

  • Darlene Molina

    This was seriously laugh out loud funny. My husband probably thinks I’m nuts back here giggling uncontrollably all by myself!

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