So, Kim Davis is having a big day! First she woke up in a jail cell and chatted with her bunkmate Myrtle about the best way to hide a shiv inside a Bible (cut out all the compassionate Jesus parts and stick it there), but then she got the exciting news that she gets to go home today! And Mike Huckabee came to see her, and so did Ted Cruz, and it was just great. How can this day get any better? Her husband’s probably taking her to Cracker Barrel later is how. And then, of course, traditional-married sexxx relations, because come on, she’s been in the jailhouse for six days, it’s probably sex-thirty.
When Davis was released, she came out weeping, held on one side by her shitty lawyer Mat Staver, and on the other side, she was being touched by Mike Huckabee, which is pretty gross considering those are probably the same hands he uses when he thinks about showering with high school girls. Staver said words, about poor Kim Davis and how “she has been away from her husband and her family for six days.” He did not say which husband, though — THERE ARE SO MANY! — and all his other words were boring.
Davis burped out a meek something or other, but we were vacuuming our front yard at the time, so we missed it. But then Huck opened his gloriously stupid mouth:
Thanks to this incredibly brave lady who decided that the courage of her convictions was more important than simply her own freedom … and she has ignited something across this country where people are tired of tyranny … of the legislative court that believes it can make up law. […]
If somebody needs to go to jail, I’m willing to go in her place. And I mean that, because I’m tired of watching people being just harassed because they believe something of their faith. And we cannot criminalize the Christian faith or anybody’s faith in this country.
Uh, hi, this is Wonkette, can we please speak to a judge? Any judge will do. Mike Huckabee just said he’s willing to go to jail. We assume he means he’s ready to go this afternoon. GET ON IT, all you judges!
Anyway, he is A Idiot. Nobody’s faith is being criminalized. Davis was put in jail because she refused to abide by multiple court orders and do her fucking job as a public official. This is not complicated.
A little later, Davis took her braid out and went to the big rally they were throwing in her honor. So many people were there! Josh Duggar’s former boss Tony Perkins talked on the stage, and he set off our gaydar like he always does. Those bigot Benham twins marched their fine-ass buttocks onto the stage and cried sexily about how they are being persecuted. Brian Brown of the National Organization for Marriage was so screamy he sounded like he was crying, and it was hilarious. And then Huckabee talked again, and he said the thing about jail again!
I would ask this of him: let Kim go. But if you have to put someone in jail, I volunteer to go. Let me go. Lock me up if you think that’s how freedom is best served.
That’s two offers from Huckabee to go to jail. Can we hear a third?
Then Davis took the stage and said a thing, and while she was up there being the Best Christian Martyr Ever, she did her hand like this:
And then the rally was over and all the Christians in attendance were rounded up by the authorities and thrown into the lion’s den and inside the whale’s belly and up on the cross, and they’re probably going to get Holocausted next, because Christianity is illegal, isn’t that what Huckabee said?