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Listen, honey, there's something I need to tell you.
Listen, honey, there’s something I need to tell you.

We TOLD you people about how that gross Ashley Madison website, where married people go and set up accounts so they can try to have naked affairs with other married people, got hacked. And now the hackers have released that information, and OOH! Guess whose name is in there? Why, if it isn’t the Family Values Fundamentalist Christian Self-Righteous Motherfucker Piece Of Shit Sister-Molester EXTRAORDINAIRE, Joshua Duggar!

Someone using a credit card belonging to a Joshua J. Duggar, with a billing address that matches the home in Fayetteville, Arkansas owned by his grandmother Mary—a home that was consistently shown on their now-cancelled TV show, and in which Anna Duggar gave birth to her first child—paid a total of $986.76 for two different monthly Ashley Madison subscriptions from February of 2013 until May of 2015.

[…]

In July 2013, he seems to have started a second account that was linked to his home in Oxon Hill, Maryland, where he spent his time lobbying against causes like same-sex marriage. The birthday listed in the data for Duggar’s first account is February 3, 1988, one month off Duggar’s actual birthday of March 3, 1988. The birthday listed for the second account is March 2, 1988.

The two accounts overlap by a period of a few months. When he launched the second account, Duggar paid a $250 that appears to have gone toward the purchase of an “affair guarantee.”

The “affair guarantee” was probably to MAKE SURE he could find an adult human married lady to get his Duggar Stick wet in, now that he was in Big City Washington DC, away from his “family obligations.” Did he do it? We dunno! Don’t think the Ashley Madison hackers follow these people to their secret dungeon sex lairs. But he wanted to, just like he WANTED to diddle his sisters (achievement unlocked!), and he WANTED to work at the viciously anti-gay Family Research Council so he could continue his family’s long tradition of telling America how much God Hates Fags (ALSO achievement unlocked!). So maybe he was successful and got to share with the ladies of Ashley Madison what he learned from his daddy Jim Bob, when he got the sex talk. Hint: It’s called Duggar Doggie Style, and it’s like a side-hug but with P-in-V sex.

So, since you haven’t died of vomiting into your own brain yet, Gawker also published (we will get into why this is different from the last time Gawker published whore sex revelations in a minute) a list of the different kinds of fucking Josh Duggar wanted to find from a lady what is not his wife:

“Conventional Sex,” Experimenting with Sex Toys,” One-Night Stands,” “Open to Experimentation,” “Gentleness,” “Good With Your Hands,” Sensual Massage,” “Extended Foreplay/Teasing,” “Bubble Bath for 2,” “Likes to Give Oral Sex,” “Likes to Receive Oral Sex,” “Someone I Can Teach,” “Someone Who Can Teach Me,” “Kissing,” “Cuddling & Hugging,” “Sharing Fantasies,” “Sex Talk.”

Awwww bubble baths, dildos and a 69 sesh here and there, he’s really branched out from all the sex tips he learned at home, which were mostly about how there are aliens in man semen, and lady vaginas are allergic to them. And maybe he’s never been allowed to swan dive into his wife’s muff, that might not be “Christian” because you can’t put a baby in her that way, which is why he probably also included “someone who can teach me.” Good lord, we’d feel sorry for him if he wasn’t such fucking scum.

And these are the things that, according to Gawker, really make the Duggar D pitch a tent:

“A Professional/Well Groomed,” “Stylish/Classy,” “Casual Jeans/T-shirt Type,” “Muscular/Fit Body,” ”Petite Figure,” “Tall Height,” “Short Height,” “Long Hair,””Short Hair,” “Girl Next Door,” “Naughty Girl,” “Sense of Humor,” “Imagination,” “Creative and Adventurous,” “Relaxed and Easy Going,” “Aggressive/Take Charge Nature,” “Confidence,” “Discretion/Secrecy,” “A Good Listener,” “Good Personal Hygiene,” “Average Sex Drive,” “High Sex Drive,” “Dislikes Routine,” “Has a Secret Love Nest,” “Disease Free,” “Drug Free,” and “Natural Breasts.”

In other words, a breathing human woman. This is a cry for help, not a Choose Your Own Adventure book.

Now, as we recently sexplained in important thinky pieces, you don’t out some private person who never hurt anyone, just for prowling for sex on the sly (GAWKER!). And the private information of millions of Ashley Madison users should not have been hacked and exposed by hackers. But Josh Duggar isn’t a private person who never hurt anyone; he tried to hurt lots of people, because of how they have sex, which is why it is 100 percent A-OK to take this information and use it to grind that arrogant, fundamentalist prick’s nuts into a fine powder so that we may snort it and trip holy karmic balls.

So fuck him. You wanted to be famous, Duggars? YOU’RE FUCKING FAMOUS.

[Gawker]

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