Maine Wonkers, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, we have a job for you! Your asshole governor, Paul LePage, you know who we’re talking about? Yeah him. So remember how he chicken-scrawled out a mean, poorly worded note to a constituent who wanted him to resign, essentially saying “I KNOW I ARE BUT WHAT IS YOU?” and then stuck the piece of official Maine Governor stationery down his pants and rubbed it around in the toilet paper-infected zone that probably spreads from his balls to his whatevers? Real dick move if you ask us, and VERY unbecoming of a man who wants to call himself the governor of the great state of Maine, which we hear is nice this time of year!
Well, GOOD NEWS! He says he’s willing to resign and send himself off to live on a farm with all the other governors what got dropped off at the pound, but unfortunately only four people have asked him to do so, and that’s just not enough:
Gov. LePage implied in a July 30 interview with WGAN radio that if enough Mainers personally ask him to resign from office, then he will.
When LePage was asked if he’s worried about an impeachment proceeding, he responded:
“If the people of Maine want me, I’ll do the job. If they don’t want me, just ask me to leave. You don’t have to impeach me… So far, I’ve only got four people write me that wanted me to resign.”
And this is where you come in, Maine Wonkette Operatives! First we need you to go door to door to every person in Maine and show them the letter we’re about to write for you just below. If they agree with it, they just need to fill in the blanks, sign it and send it and VOILA! — the shitbag governor from one of the less-desirable parts of hell is no longer your problem. Here is your form letter:
Dear Old Shitferbrains LePage:
I am a very nice Mainer named ______ and my favorite author is ______. I like long walks on the beach, and my astrological sign is _____. But know who’s not my favorite governor? YOU, YOU FUCKING SACK OF GOPHER FARTS. Here is why:
- You are so stupid you don’t even know how to veto things, LOL.
- No really, you are SO BAD AT IT.
- Maybe you blackmailed somebody!
- You’re a loathsome twat who will let poor kids starve, because you hate poor people so much.
- No, you are A REALLY LOATHSOME TWAT when it comes to poors.
- Oh and look at you, Mister Small Government Man, look how your manhood gets all threatened when one of Maine’s cities wants to pay higher minimum wages. Better swing your pathetic dick around!
- Ew, remember what a swollen chlamydia rash you acted like toward that nice nurse, Kaci Hickox, when she was exposed to Ebola but didn’t have Ebola? It was like you wanted somebody to attack her, have you no soul?
- You offended Stephen King and his lovely wife one time, by SAYING LIES about how they moved out of Maine to get away from high taxes, and they had to correct the record by CONTINUING TO LIVE IN MAINE?
- Nobody needs a ninth reason, we have scientifically proven you are a leaking sac of pus on the grundle hole of an otherwise very nice state.
For these reasons and probably others that only you know, you should resign the office of Maine governor right now, do not pass go, don’t even go to jail ’cause we don’t want to feed your ass, JUST FUCK OFF.
Carol (or whatever your “Maine” name is. “Bruce” is fine, if that’s your name. Just pick one, Christ.)
So there’s your letter. That is how you solve a problem like Gov. LePage. GET TO WORK, MAINE WONKETTE OPERATIVES. We need like 600,000 of these on LePage’s desk by Monday!