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Insert your SEX JOKES
Insert your SEX JOKES

William Jefferson Clinton, aka Bill, aka Big Dawg, aka The Clenis, aka the future first man-lady of America, was born on a day that was exactly 69 years ago from this day, Aug. 19, and according to a little-known codicil in the corporate charter of Yr Wonkette — which we do not have, what are we, a frickin’ Fortune 500 company? STFU and just go with it — we are contractually, legally, and biblically obligated to makes some sexy sex jokes, about sex, for your sextainment.

Because 69 is not just a number, it is also a code word double entendre urban thesaurus slang street term for doing sex with your mouth hole to another person’s sex part, while they are doing sex to your sex part, with their mouth hole, like you are forming a six and a nine, with your bodies, GET IT? GET IT!?! Jokes, bitches!

This is especially high-brow comedic material right here, the Bill Clinton turns SIXTY-NINE!!!! thing, because of how he is also quite infamous for this one time that he got fellatioed, on his penis, by a lady who was not his lawfully wedded partner in various crimegates. So you can see how making references to Bill Clinton and oral sexual relations, on his 69th birthday, is especially funny, LOL and LIRL and whatever the too-busy-to-write-it-out acronym for giggling so hard out loud in real life is.

Some of you like Bill Clinton because how he makes you swoon in your down-theres when he plays the saxophone, which is not a sex euphemism, it is a real thing that he does with his mouth, to a musical instrument. (That is also not a sex euphemism. OR IS IT?)

Some of you hate Bill Clinton because you are Maureen Dowd.

Some of you are like “I am somewhere in the middle of all that, sometimes I like him and sometimes not.” And fuck you people for trying to be nuanced and complicated, don’t you know you are only allowed to feel one feeling about a person?

Anyway, we would offer to do all the penis cunnilingus to the former president’s man parts, since that is what you are supposed to do when he turns 69, apparently, but we already gave him a hummer — with our words — a few weeks ago, in gratitude for the apparent epic trolling he did for us, by fondling Donald Trump’s YOOOGE classy balls in just the right way, oh yeah baby, riiiiiight there, to make him run for president.

So instead, we’ll just be in our bunk, watching this timeless classic of Bill Clinton speeching at the 2012 Democratic National Convention, when he made us forget all the reasons we sometimes do not like him, and instead made us remember why we are proud to be on the Blue Team, and also made us need to change our wet panties, if you know what we mean. (WE MEAN SEX STUFF.)

Happy birthday, Mr. President. Enjoy blowing out your candles.

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  • Michael Smith

    Clinton has probably been dreading this birthday for quite some time, and mentally compiling a list of witty comebacks for the many, many 69 jokes that friend and foe alike will surely hurl his way.

    • proudgrampa

      “Heh. You’re all just jealous. So fuck you.” The only comeback he needs.

  • Indiepalin

    That George W. Bush could sure deliver a speech too.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I for one welcome our sexted up wet pantied overlords.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    I can’t wait to hear Jay Leno’s fresh witticism. Said no one ever.

    • ArgieBargie

      You’ll have to settle for Jimmy Fallon, a.k.a “Buzzfeed Leno.”

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    You know what a 68 is?

    You do me, and I’ll owe you one!

    • Doug Langley

      Is that the opposite of Agent 86, Maxwell Smart?

      • bozilingus

        I would do 99…

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Your handle and avatar just makes me wonder: who would’ve thunk that Patty Mayonnaise would have ended up in federal prison?

        • Doug Langley

          I never touched her. I swear.

  • Clinton says he’s been 69 since his college days . . .

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well……….you have to lick it before you stick it…..okay, I quit….

    • H0mer0

      I heard Ron Jeremy can do that.

  • Whollyholeyholy

    Full speech? My attention span can’t handle that. I thought we were just going to hear the part about the R’s having some brass. I think I considered giving him a blowie myself at the moment he said that.

  • Me not sure

    If it would put a Democrat in the White House, I’d do him. Happy Birthday Bill! Are those balloons?

  • timpundit

    The attention whores at Gawker have already played the “69” thing to death. I am beginning to hate that place more than even Huffpo.

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Why, how and when I got over Gawker can be summed up in 2 words: Gossip Girl.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Yes, Gawker is terrible, but right now their they’re [on edit – how embarrassing] running with a fantastic fucking story, if true:
      http://gawker.com/family-values-activist-josh-duggar-had-a-paid-ashley-ma-1725132091

      • jmk

        I just saw that… oh maaaaaan…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Woo and Hoo!

        These idiots don’t get that once it’s on the ‘tubes, it’s there forever, right?

        What a nincowpoop! What a gullibull!

      • timpundit

        Yeah that’s a good piece, they aren’t 100% terrible . :)

  • JoeChristmas

    He’d be a good Cuban ambassador.

    • Markuserektus

      …and Monica is a good Cuban humidor.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      A cigar is never just a cigar.

    • DemmeFatale

      Most of the guys I knew at the time thought the cigar thing was a brilliant idea.
      (Some of them probably tried it.)

  • Dylan Black

    Not sure I get this, perhaps a helpful diagram or flow chart is needed?

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      If you don’t get it . . . you’re not Bill Clinton.

    • Doug Langley

      Here, this should help:

    • Lefty Frizzell

      You’re welcome:

      • Kakkeltje

        Cute pussy on the woman…

  • Lizzietish81

    Well, I wasn’t sure what to say, so I thought I’d search giphy under 69 and well near the top was Misha Collins, Fall on Your Knees, doing unholy things with his tongue.

    So then I tried Bill Clinton…

    And decided to go with him Twirling Towards Freedom.

    YOU’RE WELCOME INTERNET!

    https://media3.giphy.com/media/7h0esYq4910Pu/200.gif

    https://media1.giphy.com/media/Bs3Ld7tomBRC0/200.gif

  • dslindc

    I give this very high brow column a wholehearted acclamation and recommend it for your very high brow reading and humor-enjoying pleasure.

    Wait, was that a euphemism?

    • H0mer0

      I misread acclamation as “ejaculation” at first (imagining 1812 Overture playing in the background.)

      • Zippy

        those ain’t cannonballs

  • Callyson

    Enjoy blowing out your candles.

    “Fuck that, where are the Cuban cigars?

    – Bill Clinton

    All jokes aside, happy birthday Bill!

  • Happy Birthday, President Clittin’!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4uD-anKmKZQ

    • Toomush_Infer

      Fall mountain…..just don’t fall on me….

  • YayConspiracy

    Thinking about talking to Monica Lewinsky and asking her about the details still gives Kevin Starr restless dreams.

  • Doug Langley

    I remember a libertarian magazine in the 90’s when Bill had slipped out of impeachment. The author grumbled that “his approval rating shot past the watershed mark of 69 . . .”

  • say wha

    The best thing to ever cum out of Hope, Arkansas.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Retired Republican presidents aren’t worth shit. All they do is play golf.

  • BattyKitch

    Best to you Bubba!

  • NotReveen

    And now the times are changin’. Look at everything that’s come and gone.

    • proudgrampa

      Sometimes when I play that old six-string. Think about you wonder what went wrong.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    GET IT? GET IT!?!

    If so, how often?

  • chicken thief

    Wonder if he’ll call the former White House pizza delivery guy, for old times sake.

  • 24601

    I did not have sexual relations with that man, Mr Clinton.
    Yet.

  • Spurning Beer

    Be honest, folks. We’re more likely to end up just doing 96 most nights.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      99 keeps you happy enough … most of the time.

  • OneYieldRegular

    o/~He’s the First Lady of the land! With a large staff at his command! Standing on a receiving line, winding up with an arching spine, calluses on his receiving hand, he’s the First Lady of the laaaannnnnd!

  • deanbooth

    Most excellent!

  • edith prickly

    I am doing phlegmy old lady laughs over this. Happy 69-ing Big Bill.

  • chicken thief

    Yet during his term(s) in office everyone thought Al Gore was the boring one.

  • JoeChristmas
  • Kaili Joy will never end up on the Rachel Maddow Show with sex talk like that!

  • say wha

    Stop me if you’ve heard this one….
    When the Clintons were moving out of the White House, Hillary found a cardboard box under their bed. In the box were two empty beer cans and fifteen dollars in cash. She asked Bill what was going on. Bill said, every time he had sex with someone other than Hillary, he would drink a beer and put the empty can in the box, and that one can was for Monica and the other was for Jennifer. Hillary asked what the fifteen dollars was for. Bill said, every time the box was full, he took it to the recycling center and they gave him a nickel for every empty can.

    • YourMom

      Or this one: One day President Clinton wandered into the staff work area where he noticed a comely new intern. He introduced himself to the young lady and then asked if she’d like to come to his office to see the Presidential Clock. The very impressed intern eagerly accepted the invitation and followed President Clinton back to the OO. Once inside, he locked the door and dropped his trousers. The shocked intern gasped, “Sir! That’s not the Presidential Clock!” The Clenis replied, “Cock, clock…if you put two hands and a face on it, it’s a clock by my definition.”

  • Zippy

    Go get ’em, Big Dog and may you get the birthday cakes we like…

    (oh, and lay off the strange poon until after the election. Your wife has enough shit to deal with, K?)

  • wide_stance_hubby

    I wonder how many 69 jokes he’ll hear from the Mrs.?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Aot,K.

  • Beowoof14

    Happy Birthday Bill and happy 69ing. My favorite thing to do.

    • I had you pegged for more of a doggie-styler.

      • Toomush_Infer

        pegging ain’t nice…

        • Try using finer grit sandpaper first next time.

      • Beowoof14

        Oh no not at all, there is nothing better than muff diving, except for 69

        • Agreed 100%! I just made an assumption based upon your profile pic. ?

  • cousin itt

    The Clintons, been there done him.

    Gimme seven of nine.

    • weejee

      Resistance is futile.

      • cousin itt

        But makes the release so much more satisfying.

    • Doug Langley

      She can assimilate me anytime.

  • Msgr_Moment

    term for doing sex with your mouth hole to another person’s sex part, while they are doing sex to your sex part, with their mouth hole

    HOW is that even possible?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      Even if it were possible, it does not seem very sanitary. Eww.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Just make sure you have separate toothbrushes.
        (Seems to work for most people, though I’m not sure why.)

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Wait, I’m confused. Do I attach the toothbrush to my sex part or theirs?

          • HolidayinCambodia

            You might want to get a new electric toothbrush, just to be safe.

          • TheBidenator

            If you don’t know, better check the instructions unless you’re like me and think, “I’m a man and instructions are for pussies!” so you toss ’em :-(…
            On the other hand, you can find them online and by them I mean porn.

      • Msgr_Moment

        That’s what she said.

    • Antimassacree

      One of least sexy descriptions of a form of sexytime ever.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Was that Jeb!? at 00:10?

  • weejee

    And to safely celebrate the day, don’t forget your to wear your lewinskys.

  • Markuserektus

    Sixty eight…and I’ll owe you one.

  • DahBoner
  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Amusing — but it ain’t gonna keep Trump out of the news for long.

  • JustPixelz

    Bill may be too old for 69. He’ll have to settle for three 23s instead.

  • 69th!

  • Ryan Denniston

    Hate him on crime and welfare reform. Love him because he knows he signed shit into law, never fucking compromise with Republicans, and especially because he’s the explainer of shit.

    • cousin itt

      I believe he did compromise. A lot.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Exactly. He seems to regret a lot of the crap he signed, that’s my point.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Biggest fucking error, aside from inviting Monica to smoke the Presidential wang: repeal of Glass-Steagall. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Doing ANYTHING that the vile little goblin Gramm wants is stupid.

          • Ryan Denniston

            Fortunately, it all worked out. Phil Gramm landed at UBS, we took a bunch of cigars up the ass about 8 years ago. Bygones and whatnot.

    • TheBidenator

      Uh he didn’t just compromise, he made Newt Gingrich look good…

  • Ryan Denniston
  • Speaking of [ETA: retread of earlier] sex jokes…

    Josh Duggar had a paid Ashley Madison account!

    http://gawker.com/family-values-activist-josh-duggar-had-a-paid-ashley-ma-1725132091

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Linked to downthread, but do check it out, it’s hilarious.

      Josh is pretty obviously a horndog in the Clinton leagues. Is it something in the water in Arkansas?

      • Thanks for the heads-up regarding the earlier link – I must have missed it while I was busy 69-ing myself.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Priceless.

    • TheBidenator

      I’m actually surprised he wasn’t nabbed in the Jared Fogel sting or caught with a rentboy given the religious right so this is a slight improvement.

      • Anarchy Pony

        What’s going on with the Jared thing? Did they actually find stuff?

        • TheBidenator

          I saw it on MSNBC before I left for work this morning, not only was the sick bastard receiving child porn from this one guy who ran a foundation for obese children that secretly took pictures of the kids in their private rooms (which Jared knew about) but apparently Subway boy also went for sex with like, 14 alleged child victims. If this is all true he qualifies as a hardcore pedophile which is why I’m slightly surprised Josh Duggar wasn’t involved. I figured this sort of thing would be right in his wheelhouse…

          • Anarchy Pony

            Ew. Just ew.

          • bozilingus

            So Jared is a Republican?

      • The way his season’s going, I wouldn’t give up on him hitting a horny hat trick just yet.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The thing about Bill Clinton and the sexy time is that look, dumbass, your enemies, who have no moral compass to speak of, will use ANYTHING they can to try to destroy you, so don’t go around committing unforced errors and hand these assholes something to use. Keep your fucking fly closed. Damn, you’re a smart man, Bill, but cripes, this was an incredibly stupid thing to do.

    I mean, after the Whitewater well dried up and was blown clear to South America, these vile creatures wouldn’t let “Judge” Starr end his investigation even though there was less there there than you’d find in Oakland CA. Find something, ANYTHING, we can use to launch the impeachment process.

    Bill handed them something.

    Idiot.

    • DemmeFatale

      Really.
      Gah, Bill!
      (What an unpleasant flashback.)

    • TheBidenator

      Repeatedly so…but you heard about how they got it right? That buzzard with an ugly soul Ann Coulter back when she was a lawyer for Paula Jones (one of the so-called “elfs” of right wing attorneys who gave free council) actually committed an offense worthy of disbarment by leaking evidence from a sealed case to her fellow wingnuts. I’m no fan of Clinton but that was low even for political low blows…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Like I said, his enemies had/have NO moral compass to speak of.

        They are utter scum.

        I will give Bill credit for one thing…he had a knack for cultivating enemies who are not possible to feel the slightest empathy towards, because they are so utterly evil. They’re the prototypes of the Death Eaters. Late 20th century analogs of the attendees of the Wansee Conference.

        • TheBidenator

          He was their pound of flesh for Richard Nixon and they were going to be damned if they didn’t extract it. I suppose maybe that’s why the demos didn’t try to impeach Dubya, not only would it have been Clinton II and actually improved the little bastards numbers but the GOP would have undoubtedly impeached Obama in revenge regardless of the difference between real impeachable offenses of which Dubya committed several and imaginary ones that Fox News flouts daily….

          • Villago Delenda Est

            The difference of course being that Nixon, Reagan, Bush I AND Bush II committed actual fucking crimes.

            Frankly, Jerry “can’t chew gum and fart at the same time” Ford committed the biggest one of all by giving a blanket pardon to the criminal Nixon.

          • Beaumarchais?

            Which is proof of Obama’s stunning virtue. After all their attacks, they got nuttin. The filthy vultures have proven that, yeah, verily, behold: He Is The Arisen Christ!

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Linda Tripp. I rest your case.

  • azeyote

    Kaili Joy Gray
    i don’t know how much if any you get paid – but it ain’t enough –

  • Lizzietish81

    Damnit, I should have grabbed a screen shot when there were 69 comments.

    But you guys! Did you hear? Josh Duggar and the Ashley Madison Leak have collided in the hallway and it’s like peanut butter and chocolate!

    • HogeyeGrex has us covered, for posteriority!

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Josh Duggar and a waking person are like oil and water. Any real person who might be on Ashley Madison, or who might be awake, is way out of his league.

      ETA: reading downthread (or is it upthread?), I see that I commented, again, out of ignorance. I, along doubtlessly along with millions of other sorry, petty, misanthropes, am awaiting further disclosures with bated breath.

    • Juan de Fuca

      Two great wastes that debase great together!

      • Vegan and Tiara

        This may be the best internet comment of all time.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      If he ever actually connected with someone on AM (if you know what I mean, and I think you do), I pray they have the moral decency to go public and give us all the sordid details.

  • Drew Miner

    or maybe having his candles blown out for him ammirite?

  • Them’sGoodEatin

    96 works too if you’re dyslexic.

    • Or if you’re married.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        How does a married man get a handjob?
        Ask for a blowjob.

    • Toomush_Infer

      or oldz….

  • HogeyeGrex

    Huh, huh, huh.
    69 comments.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’ll bet you waited about 10 minutes for that screen capture, didn’t you?

      • Probably more like five minutes, not that I would know or anything…

      • HogeyeGrex

        Actually, I just got lucky.

        Huh, huh, huh. “Got lucky”

        • I’m gonna consider those five minutes I wasted “foreplay”.

          (Just like real life!)

  • marxalot

    Well, I mean, that’s what I always get for my birthday. Not from Bill Clinton, though: I’m allergic to grits.

  • georgiaburning

    What pissed the teatards off the most was that they KNOW he’s getting more than any of them, whether or not he’s 99.8% faithful to Hilz. Enjoy your day, Mr. President

  • TheBidenator

    Wingnuts in unison: DAMN YOU CLINTON!!!!!!!!

    ….happy birthday.

  • TheBidenator

    I dunno what to write, on the one hand I like Bill Clinton because for a perverted president with no scruples underneath it all the guy has a good heart and tries to help a lot of people. He’s also highly intelligent, an exceptional speaker and connects with people like no one else. On the other hand the more I studied his presidency and his collusion with the assholes who went on to impeach him, his willingness to sacrifice everything to score a political “win” and his vile attacks on Obama I also think screw Bill Clinton.

    • Rick Hill

      A little of column A…a little of column B

    • Paperless Tiger

      Yeah, he had sex with a woman. How perverted is that?

      • orygone

        bill had between 30 and 40 affairs before runing for prez. took 4 years to clean that up acording to bills sectretary and PBS. a real classy guy

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Wait. Isn’t someone else supposed to blow out his candle for this to work?

  • Gleem-McShinez

    69 is like the original emoticon (that’s like an old-school emoji to our younger not-commenters)

  • Brendan_M

    I’m not Maureen Dowd, but I hate him because of how he murdered Ricky Ray Rector for votes and was a lousy president. His serial adultery and super-gross behavior (POTUS vs intern is such a power imbalance, it is borderline rapey) is pretty minor compared to killing tens of thousands of Sudanese. But yes, 69, sex, etc….what fun.

    • lesterthegiantape

      Do you even lift?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    The Big Guy’s a Leo. Now there is a surprise!
    Happy Bday, Mr. President, I’d do some Monroe type song for you only I ain’t Monroe and no one needs to be seeing that.

  • Zyxomma

    Happy birthday, Bill Clinton. May your 70th trip ’round the sun bring you blessings of love, health, peace, abundance, and joy. Keep it in your pants, bubba.

  • btwbfdimho

    During the presidential debates, Hillary may mention the 69, and Donald Trump will reply with a 71: a 69 with two fingers in her ass.

    • lesterthegiantape

      I don’t want to be alive any more

    • tomamitai

      I’ve a feeling that The Donald is a 68’er; you do him and then he owes you one, but declares bankruptcy when you try to collect.

  • bobbert

    A few observations before I read the miraculous comments, so apologies if you’ve already made the point.

    1. The 2012 speech was better than the 2008 one, but you really should have posted the 2008 one. Coming into the 2008 convention, there were a lot of Democrats who were “worried” that Bill would poor-mouth Obama in his speech. Fuck all y’all, he blew that shit right out of the metaphorical water.

    2. Going back to his own election: quite a few Wonketeeers are way down on the DLC. As a person who was an adult during the 80’s (Raygun-Bush 1), I’ll tell you that the DLC was a fucking lifesaver. The US is, certainly, more liberal than it is usually portrayed, but it is still true that only about 30% of us describe ourselves as “liberal”. The DLC was based on the idea that “We have win a fucking Presidential election”, and they did.

    3. Some of the shit he triangulated on was really bad. Some of that, he’s admitted to. Exercise: You’ve just become the POTUS. What do you do about everything?

    4. He gave us Steve Breyer and the Notorious RBG, Not bad.

    5. THE WORST. His lack of self-control meant that his lame-duck period was full of bullshit; there was no possibility of doing a Bamz-like fuck you.

  • Alex Grey

    Bill! We love you, mostly…

  • Rick Hill

    Joke time? Ok, I got one:
    I heard that Bill clinton likes to do sex and he has a penis to do it with.

    Hahahaha. I like that one, gets me everytime.

    • Rick Hill

      What? No one likes it? It’s funny BECAUSE he was president once. There, see what I mean?

  • Antimassacree

    Go, Blue Team!

  • lesterthegiantape

    I think we can all agree Mr. Clinton is probably the pussy-eatingest president since Kennedy.

  • Msmlg1979

    All political issues aside, I have to admit I’ve had a helluva crush on that man since I was in middle school when he was running for president. Still have it! Can’t help myself.

  • orygone

    luckiest man on earth, got elected because of perot, good economy because of internet boom. signed repub bills that helped the crash. lies in front of a nation and gets away with it. oh well

  • RC

    He may be a dog but he’s our dog. :)

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