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Chapter 10:  Pointing and laughing at how sad wingnuts are.
Chapter 10: Pointing and laughing at sad wingnuts who lost the fight LOL

Being a staunchly conservative wingnut in America sucks these days. First Barack Obama replaced all the Christians in the military with homosexuals, and then he did gay marriage to America, and now suddenly, a good Bible-believing baker can’t even bash gays in peace without some liberal saying, “If you bake cakes, you have to sell them to gays too.” Where did their country go? And here’s more evidence! The liberals at the Republican National Committee refused to approve two resolutions, one about hating gays, and the other also about hating gays, because somehow overt bigotry is bad for electablity these days, like that even matters:

The first resolution, introduced by embattled Michigan national committeeman Dave Agema, would have encouraged “schools that are teaching the homosexual lifestyle in their sexual education class also include the harmful physical aspects of the lifestyle.” The second, which would have encouraged Congress and states to pass laws in an effort to nullify June’s Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage nationwide, was introduced by Louisiana national committeeman Ross Little, Jr.

Dave Agema, Dave Agema, Dave Agema  … do we know that name? YES WE DO! Agema is an RNC goon from Michigan who is, shall we say, a bit of a Renaissance man when it comes to poor education and bigotry. He’s really not into The Blacks, having once approvingly posted a Facebook article about how they are crimers because they don’t know how to reason or communicate or control their impulses good like white people can.

He knows for sure that all the gays die between the ages of 30 and 44 (because he lives in the 1980s, in the midst of a sudden, insane public health crisis you might have heard of), and that that’s why they want free healthcare. Even more, he’s got his finger on the prostate of the completely real (not something he made up, HONEST) phenomenon of AIDS people faking gay relationships with non-AIDS people, just to swindle benevolent corporations out of healthcare. He learned this because he was a pilot, and when you are a pilot, you are adjacent to the “flight attendant realm,” which is where the homosexual AIDSers are.

And now he’s trying (and failing LOL) to get the RNC to put its stamp on some more gay-bashing, and they won’t do it, because Agema’s country doesn’t exist anymore, awwwwww.

Ross Little, Jr., the other guy with a failed RNC resolution, doesn’t have as extensive a record as Agema, but he’s obviously pretty dumb if he thinks his idea — for states to pass laws nullifying the Supreme Court ruling on marriage — would actually work in any way, shape or form. The thing about Congress doing that? Also would not work. Click here and watch Rachel Maddow explain all this to known moron Rick Santorum, if you are a confused idiot who learned “civics” from homeschool.

We tried to see if yr Wonkette had ever written about him, but a search of “Ross Little” in the Wonk archives only turned up the words “gross little” in a post about Tucker Carlson beating up gays in the bathroom, so we’ll just defer to the Great Wonk and call him “Gross Little,” unless we never write about him again because he’s a big nobody.

But never fear, wingnuts. You may have lost the gay issue, but the RNC still approved resolutions saying that Planned Parenthood chops up baby parts and sells them on Etsy, and that Barack Obama’s nuclear deal is a real big stinkin’ Holocaust of a deal, or something like that. Focus on that stuff, and you will be less sad about how you don’t get to gay-bash in public anymore.

[Time]

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  • It’s not that all gay men die after 44. It’s that after 44 they make you move to Palm Springs.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      What a way to go.

    • Pollos Hermanos

      Dammit, I turn 44 next week and I don’t like the heat in PS.

      I feel like I’m in gay Logan’s Run. CAROUSEL!!!

      • Msgr_Moment

        Rainbow sherbet is GAY PEOPLE!!

        • I was gonna say – it’s that or the Soylent Pink factory.

          • Lizzietish81

            I was thinking glitter myself.

          • The glitter glue factory.

          • Lizzietish81

            BOXER NO!

          • elviouslyqueer

            *golf clap*

            All the wins, my friend.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Chill. 50 is the new 44.

      • Tansy Geek

        There’s always Provincetown, but winter is a little bleak out the on the tip of the Cape.

    • elviouslyqueer

      KEY WEST LIBEL!

      • Me not sure

        Key West. I love the way you guys keep the place. New Years there is a blast, but then again so is any Wednesday night.

  • Me not sure

    I may not be able to put together any cohesive snark today, I’m so giddy over the debate. It’s like Christmas and a blow job all wrapped up in one big package.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Hmm…your holiday traditions are a bit different than mine…

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Better-different, I’m guessing.

        • Me not sure

          We calls it a yule log around these parts.

          • Msgr_Moment

            We don’t even bother wrapping ours up.

          • Me not sure

            Why bother .

          • Antimassacree

            That’s risky though. Can lead to burning of the yule log.

          • Lizzietish81

            But that’s how real men cook bacon!

          • Me not sure

            But oddly enough, not Canadian Bacon.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            “How far is the Yule Log Inn?”

          • Me not sure

            All the way downtown.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Dear God, what did I start…

          • Me not sure

            “Rim-shot”

          • Whale Chowder

            Just a ways down that dirt road.

  • memzilla

    …resolutions saying that Planned Parenthood chops up baby parts.
    .

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    No reason to codify gay hate in the Republican platform….being white, stupid, and bigoted is already understood as the price of admission to the club.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Agema, Agema, Agema. Every time I hear that name I feel like rummaging around in the medicine cabinet for some ointment to take care of sudden itching.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    Good luck Repubs. Gonna be a long election cycle without any women/browns/gays/scientists/non-bigots voting for your shit.

  • Steven Posey

    Wait, I’m only going to live to be 44?! OH NO! I thought I’d make it to at least 50 until I get lung cancer!

  • JohnR

    Though it won’t be in the Platform it still resides in their hearts and minds.

    • Antimassacree

      Their turn to closet their true selves.

      • eddi

        I only wish they would.

  • dslindc

    Trying to kill health care and fucking the poors still ok though?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Yes, (a) literally and (b) figuratively.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Choice (b) is literally figurative.

        • weejee

          ♪ Happiness is a warm gun ♪

  • crunchyknee

    And it is still ok to code word their disdain for blah folk, too, right?

    • Lizzietish81

      Required!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Of course. It is the great unifier.

  • beatbort

    Agema? I think you misspelled his name. I believe it’s actually spelled Smegma.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He is secretly pushing the Gay Agema.

    • MrBlobfish

      I had a bad case of the Agemas last year. Had to sit on a foam donut for a month.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Women are the new gays for the RNC….

    • beatbort

      I do hope they follow Jeb Bush’s lead and try to low-ball each other on how little money we should spend on women’s health issues. It’s a sure ticket to oblivion…if they are not already there.

      • vivian

        I believe the current count is 16 looking for a ticket out of oblivion and Trump.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    So now the whole geh thing is a wedge issue among Republicans? Please continue, gentlemen.

  • tihond

    This is GREAT NEWs! For AARON SCHOCK!

  • Me not sure

    It’s delightful, It’s delovely,
    It’s demented, It’s despicable,
    It’s debauchery, It’s disgusting,
    It’s debate daaaaaay!

    Sorry I got carried away.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Sung with Daffy Duck lisp….

      • PubOption

        Imagining Daffy singing ‘despicable’ has me laughing.

    • Doug Langley

      I have to teach class tonight. Let me know how it goes, OK?

      • Me not sure

        I expect that there will be an abundance of live-blogging preserved for your pleasure.

    • SadDemInTex

      Thank you, I’ll be singing this all day!!!

  • I assume this means one of the Log Cabin guys will be giving the keynote?

    • Me not sure

      Define “keynote”.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Something I’ve never understood about the Log Cabinistas: Were any of them born in a log cabin or anything close to its modern equivalent? They all seem to be spoiled, hyper-entitled trust-fund babies doing their thing on grandpapa’s money. They have a right to do so but there’s nothing log cabinny about it. “Snotty Gay Repubicans” or “Faux Cabin Republicans” would be more accurate names, don’tcha think?

  • According to the NEW GOP, Gay Men are better than wimmin because at least they don’t have all those mysterious yeechy wimmin parts.

    • thirdeblue

      …and you just described the GOP of Andrew Sullivan’s dreams.

      • I mean Jeez, those things are more trouble than a salt water aquarium, amirite, fellahs?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        …and you just described the GOP of Andrew Sullivan’s dreams hallucinations.

        FIFY

    • marxalot

      The Log Cabin Republicans are…

    • FauxAntocles

      And they’re not always whining about “healthcare”.

  • Michael Smith

    “Guys, come on. Don’t you think we look stupid enough already? I mean, what do you think the Republican Party is, a clearinghouse for bigots, the uneducated and uninterested in facts, white supremacists, cynical opportunistic businessmen, and angry old white people?”

    • PubOption

      Also immigrants and anchor babies trying to be more American than the Americans.

    • Antimassacree

      What a coincidence! The mission statements for the RNC and Fox News [sic] are identical.

  • MrBlobfish

    Also not approved: Name change to He-Man Woman-Haters Club

    • Antimassacree

      But only defeated by the narrowest of margins.

      • vivian

        I thought their current slogan was: “Know your place.”
        Works for the ladies, the ghey, and the browns since the GOP is trying
        to be inclusive these days.

        • Tansy Geek

          Don’t forget the poors. All those uppity people looking to have a living wage from only one full time job.

  • weejee

    No…Gay-Bashing In Platform

    They’ve even kept Miss Lindsey from the main ring in tonight’s big top show.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Agema was censured by the RNC in January over racist and homophobic social media postings, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus has repeatedly called on him to resign.

    Man, at this rate Reince is going to need a third truckload of Aleve to deal with all these headaches.

    • marxalot

      We could pass the hat, see if we can get him at least some BC powders and a hammer.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Goody’s LIBEL!!

    • Tansy Geek

      He hasn’t really dealt with them though. He just threw his hands up and let Roger Ailes take over.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Based on the vacant look on his face, I suspect that he is no more capable of feeling pain than a zygote. He makes Michael Steele look like a giant or at least a slighly-more-accomplished zygote.

  • Where’s the plank where you’re supposed to guard Our Brave Men and Women of the Military at recruitment centers in the morning and go take pot shots from your pick up truck at them as they ready the FEMA camps in the afternoon?

  • Spotts1701

    Why do you need a platform? Doesn’t the Republican Agenda basically boil down to “Whatever I wants, I gets”?

    • FauxAntocles

      “Whatever Kochs want…”

    • Lord-Nash

      “I’ve got mine, and I don’t care if anyone else gets theirs. In fact, I prefer they don’t.”

      That’s your Republican Agenda.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Cannot be said often enough.

  • Angry_Cop

    They can’t bash queers and blacks no more? Shit, all the fun of being a Republican is gone.

    In the end, this will kill their party. Not in my lifetime, but it will. GOP voters NEED to be racist. They need to bash “the other”. It’s fundamental to who they are. And if the GOP won’t give them that then they will go somewhere else.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Not to worry. There’s still the Messicuns.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        And the ladies with their icky reproductive bits, also too.

        • Swampgas_Man

          NASA will find life on other planets, and the GOOPers will immediately pass a law against it.

    • Lord-Nash

      There will ALWAYS be someone to be racist against.

  • DAT

    “also include the harmful physical aspects of the lifestyle”

    Change “the lifestyle” to “any lifestyle” and add “emotional and psychological” to “physical”. Oh, and delete “harmful”. Rest of the resolution would still need some work though.

  • Lady Bug

    “because he lives in the 1980s, in the midst of a sudden, insane public health crisis you might have heard of…” Legionnaire’s Disease?

    • Lizzietish81

      He’s from the Bronx?

  • MrBlobfish

    Needz moar AIDS rings

    • AntiDerpomeme

      They likey dem purity rings, though. And those weirdly sexual-not-sexual father-daughter purity balls. Ew, the repressed fundies gross me out.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I thought purity balls were truck nuts you hang from your Mercedes.

  • jviscont1

    maybe they can find common ground and rally around a Liza Minnelli ban.

  • elviouslyqueer
    • Lizzietish81

      Science says a lot of things. The earth is getting warmer, man evolved from primates, the earth revolves around the sun…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        If you guys love Science so much why don’t you marry it, huh? Huh? BENGHAZI!!!!!!!!!!!1!,,,1!,!,!!!<!,111!

      • Some even say the Earth is round! Hahahaha!

        • Doug Langley

          Round?? Then just how do you explain all those ships sailing off the edge and never being seen again? Well? WELL??????

      • Tansy Geek

        I read that as man evolved from pirates. ARRR!

    • lesterthegiantape

      The trouble is they require so much aftercare following the hard and deep part.

  • Bill Slider

    My major concerns with the GOP potentially deciding in favor of war with Iran, over the G-5 plus-1 agreement, is how cold is nuclear winter? Will South Beach still be popular in January? Will Macy’s hold year around winter sales? Where will I need to shop to buy a tan line, and will I be able to afford it?

    • Lizzietish81

      They’ll use it as proof that global warming is a hoax

      • Malaclypse

        So nuclear winter is the GOP solution for anthropomorphic global warming…oh for fucks sake

        • Rick Hill

          Along with polluting the atmosphere expressly for the purpose of blocking sunlight and building a giant space umbrella to also block the sun’s rays. These are actual proposals.

          • handyhippie65

            simpson’s did it!

      • Antimassacree

        Wonder if they will acknowledge any human responsibility for nuclear winter. Could anything have been done to stop it? A treaty or some type of agreement, perhaps?

      • lesterthegiantape

        LOLvom

    • mardam422

      Shorts, tank tops and sandals will go the way of the rotary phone. You’ll be able to cookout just by setting the meat outside in the fallout, like a worldwide microwave oven. Mrs Dash will come in regular and extra Cesium. You can get that chest x-ray anywhere…ANYWHERE! But best of all, abortion will be a thing of the past. No one will be able to reproduce anyway!!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    The GOTeaP really has lost it’s soul. Nothing about the Hillbilly Swastika and “heritage.”

    • Antimassacree

      Still there, but you have to read between the (dead) lions.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Have you no pride, sir?

  • Rick Hill

    “….homosexual lifestyle in their sexual education class also include the harmful physical aspects of the lifestyle.”

    Which must be that a lot of nosy conservative types will be endlessly talking about your lifestyle.

  • Antimassacree

    The marriage of the Religious Right and the Country Club GOP was always one of convenience, not true love. Rubes ‘n’ RINOs. Let’s hope it all comes apart soon. The Rubes, without the RINOs money won’t get far; the RINOs without the rubes votes won’t have a chance at a presidential victory for a long time.

    • Tansy Geek

      They have however managed to fuck up the national legislature spectacularly and many state legislatures as well. And those dickbags keep getting reelected.

    • handyhippie65

      been waitin’ more than 30 years for that to happen. as long as we have abortion, and they fight it, don’t hold your breath.

      • you make me so sad.

        • handyhippie65

          sorry. i thought the same thing in my early 20’s. i still think it now, and i agree with you. just telling you it might be a loooong wait.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    In his defense, seventh grade must have been hell for Mr. Agema.

  • SK

    Agema rhymes with enema. Tee hee.

    • nmmagyar

      smegma also, too

  • Callyson

    These assholes are still at it, are they?

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7tsd9Y8Or1roh0hs.gif

  • Latverian Diplomat

    He learned this because he was a pilot, and when you are a pilot, you are adjacent to the “flight attendant realm,” which is where the homosexual AIDSers are.

    Well, there’s one pilot who hit on a lot of flight attendants, and struck out, a lot. And if the lady ones are all lesbians, as they must be, clearly, then the dude ones must gay. QED (quod erat dumbasstrandum).

    • Mehmeisterjr

      QED (quod erat dumbasstrandum).

      You win the Intertubes today!

      • edith prickly

        I am so stealing that.

  • lesterthegiantape

    Wait, chopped-up baby parts on Etsy? This changes everything. I’ve been dealing with Alibaba and they insist you buy 500 of everything. Nobody needs 500 parted-out fetuses. I mean nobody but the Clintons, obvs.

    • Tansy Geek

      I freeze my extra fetus parts and make homunculi on order. It gives a more one-of-a kind cachet.

      • lesterthegiantape

        I crochet mine. They leak, but SO DEAR!

  • proudgrampa

    I always thought Tucker Carlson was a gross little shitheel.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      A gross little shitheel? The grossest little shitheel!

  • Paperless Tiger

    In that case, the Republican campaign is probably going to boil down to a dog-whistle contest of who can slip in the nastiest innuendo without saying it. You know, same as usual.

  • BearGHAZI

    But can you still have sordid gay craigslist hookups at the annual convention?!?!?

    • jmk

      Of course…that’s not a bug, it’s a feature.

  • Jimbo2112

    As Peter Gabriel once put it, “How can we be in if there is no outside?”

    I am confident in their ability to find new groups to marginalize.

  • Fly

    I wouldn’t put away your stonewall battle flag just yet.

  • guppy06

    Will the RNC have to implement a “no torches or pitchforks” policy at next year’s convention?

    • eddi

      Along with a no open carry rule.

  • docterry6973

    Well I can’t believe that the GOP won’t demand an end to gay marriage. Maybe a constitutional amendment to do along with term limits for congress, balanced budget, ban flag burning, allow prayer in schools, ban abortion, repeal direct election of senators, repeal birthright citizenship…you know, for people who claim to love America they sure want to tear up the Constitution a lot.

  • nmmagyar

    How can schools possibly teach that our “lifestyle” is unhealthy when they are prohibited, by law in many jurisdictions, from teaching about actual sex in sex ed?

  • mardam422

    I told you, but you wouldn’t listen. Now even the Republicans are discriminatin’ and oppressin’ us real Murcans. We can’t even bash those Loggin’ in the Cabin Republicans at the convention now. How am I supposed to go forward and live my life as a God fearin’, lovin’ everyone like Jeebus told me to Murcan if I can’t shun and belittle gayz at my own national convention??!! Tell me that, huh??

  • Gorillionaire

    So the new RNC policy for gay-haters is, don’t ask don’t tell.

  • “harmful physical aspects of the lifestyle”

    What are these, in the case of lesbianism?

    • bozilingus

      Golf ball injuries?

    • handyhippie65

      no babbys?

    • Sterculius

      I think they are talking about police brutality.

  • AnthonyLook

    Republican platform regarding gays—- waste each states taxpayers money with frivolous unconstitutional legislation that will incur lawsuits and denials of Federal funds; and see if any of it sticks.

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