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I laugh at you idiots! So much!

Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need.

Now, we will count down the top stories in a second, and we know so many of you opened up your wallets to help this week, and we love you for that, but the truth is that running this here mommyblog and recipe hub, which occasionally talks about politics, is an ongoing endeavor, and in addition to all the other ways you can help us on a daily basis (helpful guide HERE), a thing that really helps us out is for regular Wonkers like yourselves to throw us a little money on a regular basis, just so we can keep ourselves lubed up for glory, and also so we Wonkettes, who love you, can continue to eat “food” and stuff. So will you give us a small money, $3 to be exact? Because you love us and also every single Wonkette likes to live “indoors,” so help us continue doing that, by throwing us $3. It is a bargain to love us so much it hurts.

WE WILL WAIT WHILE YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT.

(still waiting)

Okay, here are your top ten stories of the week. Did you read them? Probably not, because Wonkette was broken. So read them now!

1. Here’s your president, Barry Bamz Soetoro Zimbabwe Obama, or whatever his REAL name is, gettin’ all sassy-like with the Republicans. We like it when he does that.

2. What is the most “Florida” headline ever? It is here, in last Sunday’s Florida Roundup!

3. Donald Trump said he’d be willing to tap Sarah Palin (for a job in his “administration,” you pervs), and Wonkette got so excited it yapped like a small dog and then died of an orgasm.

4. For some weird reason Israel didn’t find Mike Huckabee’s comments helpful, the ones about how Barack Obama and Iran are doing the Holocaust to them.

5. So of course, the most important story in the entire universe last week was about that mean dickhead dentist what killed a lion in Africa. And we wrote about it (EARLY, before the media OUTRAGE happened), and we were mad about it (mostly nicotine withdrawals), but jeez, we guess we found the one thing Americans agree on. People can get killed by police, people can kill the police, people can die from poverty and hunger, and that’s all fine, but DON’T FUCK WITH OUR AFRICAN LIONS, which we have never met in person.

6. Known Jewish lady Sarah Silverman defended Planned Parenthood, which made her TOTALLY just like Hitler. A lady on Wonkette’s Facebook page (click here to LIKE!) did not understand “Wonkette” and “funny” and “read the article for chrissakes!” and requested that we remove the article from the Google. We did not comply with that request.

7. Seattle had a straight pride “parade” and it was just great. There was one parader, and he was very enthusiastic!

8. Go back and relive the fateful day, when Wonkette got broked. It was Wednesday!

9. Military recruiters somehow don’t appreciate it when militia types “defend” them, by accidentally shooting stuff.

10. Liberal trolls decided to be hilarious and wonderful and improve a Confederate pride Facebook page, with pictures of old gay dicks and stuff. So helpful, liberals!

So there you go, Wonkers. We taught you very important things this week, even when we were broken, and you helped us not be broken anymore, and now we are back to our regularly scheduled programming. And seriously, THANK YOU.

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette! While you’re at it, you should follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix. Oh, and @shypixel, who deserves an extra bundle of your heaping, joyful gratitude, for making it through Wonkette Technical Internet Essplosion Week without blowing more than three gaskets.

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Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups, the Bernie Sanders t-shirt right below this paragraph, and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie! Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

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Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $3. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Okay, now we are going to spend the rest of our Sunday doing either Something or Absolutely Nothing, haven’t decided yet. You all do the same! See you Monday and stuff.

Love,

Wonkette

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  • cousin itt

    Wonkette got so excited it yapped like a small dog and then died of an orgasm.

    Who know who else yapped like a small dog and then died of an orgasm?

  • schmannity

    With Trump’s rapid rise, I fear that he is sucking all the marrow out of the boneheaded remarks of the rest of the field. Will there be liveblogging this week? I need to know before heading to the liquor store tomorrow.

    • cousin itt

      We’re holding a party at our place in Denver. We’ll have plenty of brownies to go around.

      And nachos. Lots and lots of nachos. And popcorn. Hella lot of popcorn. And spam.

      • whatwhomever

        I’m having spam, spam, spam, spam, spam spam eggs and spam.

      • Bill Slider

        Don’t forget the purple mountain majesties.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Have Maureen Dowd over, and when she passes out, put an Oculus Rift on her, loaded with POV pornos of Bill Clinton.

        • cousin itt

          Thanks so much. I had a perfectly good Mac keyboard. Now it’s full of Estrella cerveza.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        So in Colorado, the game goes, “He said freedumbs! Brownie!”

    • whatwhomever

      I live in Colorado and will be exercising all option available to me for that thing.

    • lesterthegiantape

      That’s not marrow.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        That’s fine. That’s not hair.

    • Alex Grey

      He needs said marrow to feed to his hair.

  • Joshua Norton

    Go back and relive the fateful day, when Wonkette got broked.

    You think YOU had computer problems last week? My office password got hacked again. This is the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.

    • Zippy

      you get six more…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      On the bright side, “123456” is a unique name for a cat.

  • lesterthegiantape

    Forget all that, there’s a HOT SCOOP at Clown Hall! A hot scoop of poo. BUT STILL, it would be irresponsible not to peculate* this particular link:

    http://townhall.com/tipsheet/katiepavlich/2015/08/02/unreal-gun-used-in-garland-terror-attack-sold-through-operation-fast-and-furious-n2033510?utm_source=TopBreakingNewsCarousel&utm_medium=story&utm_campaign=BreakingNewsCarousel

    Apparently all the guns used in Benghazi or similar were from Fast n’ Furious, which means FEMA detention camps can’t be far away!

    *you see what I do there

    • Zippy

      Katie is such a fucking idjit- the feds sold no guns, period- end of story. The feds also did not “push through” any illegal gun sales, they simply monitored those sales hoping to track down where the guns ended up. In fact, at one point the BATF went to the AZ attorney general to file charges, but Arizona’s gun laws are so weak and useless that the AG declined to file charges against anyone because none of the toothless laws were actually being broken.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Agents deliberately allowed weapons to be trafficked and lost in Mexico.”
      When you’re neck-deep in bullshit after one paragraph, it’s unwise to keep reading.

  • Barbara Delaney

    BULLETIN: this just in from Wasilla, Bristol is having the girl variety of baby. Now the search for the perfect name can begin. I’d like something that combines patriotism and the Bible.

    Shiloh Scarlett, Salome Betsy Ross, Molly Pitcher Magdalene, Jezebel-Harriet Tubman,etc.

    I know it’s breaking with the T name tradition, if it’s a Halloween baby I’m holding out for Trixsie, but I think it’s time to plow some new ground for the Palin name generator.

    • schmannity

      As I said 2 weeks ago, Nay-Lynne.

      • frrolfe

        It all depends on how you pronounce it. Anyhoo, molotov to all.

    • cousin itt

      Trollop?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Tits-up?

      • Zippy

        Taint

        • Msgr_Moment

          As in ‘Taint Levi’s.

          • cousin itt

            Or, IS IT?????

      • jviscont1

        Trumpsie?

        • Alex Grey

          Tronald Dump

      • Gristle McThornbody

        Wouldn’t that be Trollop Jr?

    • schmannity

      Mary Magdalene Albright?

      • Barbara Delaney

        Now that’s beautiful.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      ZOMG I fell out of the uterus from HELL!

      • cousin itt

        …and right into the wine cooler punchbowl.

      • HogeyeGrex

        “Get that, would you Dierdre?”

    • Don’t you think Bristol has been ploughed too many times?

      • Barbara Delaney

        I was waiting to see who would go there, it was irresistible, wasn’t it?

        • Yes, a double entendre pun is just too much to pass up. Thanks for setting me up!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Since this is the second time and she saw the difficulties she caused for Levi, you might have thought that she would take pity on the second guy and show a little fallow feeling.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        She’s certainly been plastered too many times.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      I’m thinking more like the Palin family tradition of inanimate nouns taken from nature, something like Tractor Pull, Monster Truck, Truck Stop…

      • H0mer0

        Camo Thong? Truckasaurus!

      • riledupone

        T-Bill?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Twelve Gauge?

    • It’s not a t name, but what about Limearita? It kind of fits her ethos.

      • Zippy

        didn’t she name the first one Wine Cooler?

        • cousin itt

          Bartles Jaymes Palin.

        • stevola

          Tent

        • HogeyeGrex

          Why do you ask, Two-Dogs-Fucking?

      • NellCote71

        Michelada?

    • cheetojeebus

      Teakeela, Trittany, Trapeezza

      • H0mer0

        T-T-T, Tennessee Tuxedo…..a small penguin, who wears a bright tuxedo…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      After gramma’s future running mate: Trumpetta.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      I feel sorry for that poor fetus. And once it/she is a borned babby with a redic name I’ll feel even more sorry for her.

      PS I met an adorable baby boy last weekend named Osiris.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Yeah.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Tits-Pervert.

    • TootsStansbury

      Tweaker. Tweaker Reveal.

    • natoslug

      I’ve heard from a reliable source* that it’s going to be Maacah “Ca” Molotov Palin.

      *The voices inside my chickens’ heads.

    • nmmagyar

      Trucknutz Nome Palin

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Torn Trojan Palin?

  • Metadude

    So the week can be summed up by that great Teaparty slogan: African lions and lyin’ Africans?

    • MilwaukeeKent

      That or “Get a brain, morans!”

      • You gotta love those republicans: [img]http://i.imgur.com/cw0fmYQ.jpg[/img]

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Indeed.

    • Alex Grey

      Once again exceeding expectations.

      • OzoneTom

        Shouldn’t these go up to Potatoe?

        • Alex Grey

          Probably so…

        • Anarchy Pony

          …These go to Fox “news”…

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Most go only to Potato – a few go up to Potatoe.
          But these…

  • Karen Husted

    I tried to give some money ( an embarrassingly small amount, which I did hesitate a bit to mention, and do not want anyone to expend much energy on my piddling amount, but there may be others giving you millions), and at the end it said ”server error” and so I don’t know if you got your millions (not from me, but if I had many millions, I would not hunt lions and would give you much much more than the pittance I tried to give).

  • cousin itt

    Days before the first Republican debate, Donald Trump has surged into the national lead in the GOP primary race, with Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker and former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush following, a new NBC News/ Wall Street Journal poll shows. http://www.nbcnews.com/meet-the-press/trump-surges-new-nbc-news-wsj-poll-n402036

    I feel an orgasm surging through my loins.

    Possibly flatulence. Hard to tell at my age.

  • sw19womble

    Say, you know who else was an old gay dick?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Tricky Dick?

    • cousin itt

      Marcus?

    • Fred Flintstone. Oops, that was a gay, old time.

      • cousin itt

        Why can’t they invent something for us to marry instead of women?

        –FRED FLINTSTONE

    • Zippy

      Tracy?

      (Tess was a beard)

    • HolidayinCambodia

      M. Dupin?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Roy Cohn?

  • Bill Slider

    If the Palins are sticking with T words for their electron spawn, I recommend Twisted. If they are into the two name thingy, then Twisted Twat would work.

    • riledupone

      Trivyal Tryte Palin

  • Joshua Norton

    I’m pretty sure that at least 50% of the Wonketteers started off last week not even knowing that “DNS server” was an actual thing and now they can probably write complete treatises on the subject.

    • Zippy

      it had been so long since I’ve had to deal with DNS that I’d forgotten all about it

    • Msgr_Moment

      Hey, I thought “DOS attack” meant that I finally threw my old desktop out the window.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Remind me to tell you the stirring story about how one of our rocket scientists on the server team named a server “localhost”, and of all the mayhem that ensued.

      Wait, I just told it.

    • Steverino247

      The mainframe computer at a major university was frequently down in the early 1980’s, frustrating everybody who needed to use it to process their research data. This continued until “somebody” posted a notice at all mainframe terminals that said computer was to be named Linda (as in Lovelace) because it was always going down. Amazingly, the machine never malfunctioned again and “somebody” didn’t have to buy beer anymore at graduate student gatherings.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You mean it isn’t a series of tubes? That changes everything!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I told my Mac to use teh Googles (8.8.8.8) a long time ago, and never gave it a second thought. I figured, “If they can’t find an IP address, nobody can.”
      If having given it a first thought qualifies me as extraordinarily knowledgeable, I’ll get to work on the thesis. Or maybe I’ll just think up more “server going down” jokes, per Wonkette custom.

  • Fartknocker

    An exciting day tomorrow in Texas. We get to watch Ken Paxton, our LGBT hating AG parade into the Collin County courthouse and get served some nice papers courtesy of a Grand Jury who is indicting him on felony financial fraud. The County Attorney recused himself so an Alternate DA has been selected and the Texas Rangers supposedly found evidence of a conspiracy. Now Ken has said it’s all an error in his paperwork. I hope the fucker gets convicted, disbarred, and goes on Dancing With The Stars.

    • Zippy

      he can share a cell with Rick

      • A brain cell or a prison cell?

        • Zippy

          AOT,K

      • Me not sure

        I smell a prison love affair brewing.

        • Zippy

          smells like teen spirit

          • Me not sure

            ….and ass.

          • nmmagyar

            Ass and Axe body spray is what I imagine Rick Perry always smells like

          • coozledad

            What is the smell of Darvon cooking off distressed leather?
            (Buddhist question.)

          • Barbara Delaney

            What is your original face before you got your smart glasses? (Texas koan)

          • Me not sure

            And the difference is……..?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Texas Rangers: investigatin’ by day, baseballin’ by night. I smell a mini-series!

      Paxton will be on Wingnut Welfare forever.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        He’s already got his request in at Kochfundme.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Is it within the commenting rules to wish that someone would go on Dancing With The Stars?

      • HolidayinCambodia

        It’s getting perilously close to the edge. Think Max the Dog in the Grinch–the cartoon one, not the one with that goth chick from that rich teen angst show.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        As long as you add “with votes”.

      • coozledad

        As long as you don’t suggest the gorilla costume of death.

  • Capt.Jim

    You done a misspell in # 3 what when you rote about Trump tappin the tundra twat I think, why would you rite yapped like a small dog when you really meant flapped like a horny monkey.Some how the yapping just dont work when orgasming

    • Enfant Terrible

      C’mon now, different strokes for different folks.

  • Msgr_Moment

    OT. MoDo totally eviscerates Tom Brady by comparing him to Hillz, then tries to nose ahead of the Wonkerati in the fellate-OHJB line.

    Discuss.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Ms. Dowd appears to be trying to keep up with Ms. Noonan in some sort of drinking game.

    • cousin itt

      the fellate-OHJB line

      Where? Asking for a hairy friend.

    • Callyson

      Potent friends of America’s lord of latte, Howard Schultz, have been
      pressing him to join the Democratic primary, thinking the time is right
      for someone who’s not a political lifer. For the passionate 62-year-old —
      watching the circus from Seattle — it may be a tempting proposition.

      Oh, for fuck’s sake.

      • Angry_Cop

        I worked for that company about 15 years ago. It was a fucking mess. One term of Schultz would leave America in about the same condition as Haiti.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Dems should copy the Republicans’ idiotic habit of running business tycoons for the office of President? Has MoDo been raiding Lady Nooningtonwickerhamshire’s liquor cabinet?

    • Barbara Delaney

      Slip her another loaded brownie so she’ll stfu.

      • drspittle

        If only Hilary had signed her yearbook.

    • Zippy

      I’m so glad the NYT is tempering their anti Clinton bias…

    • FDRliberal

      MoDo’s Clinton Derangement Syndrome is once again raging at a fever pitch, which of course dovetails nicely with her employer’s similar irrational hatred of the Clintons.

      Of particular note was the NY Times recently trying to defend its discredited “reporting” on Hillary Clinton, by citing the approval of none other than the repellent Matt Drudge.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Too bad they can’t just “withdraw” an article, the way science journals do with an official “nope, wrong – never mind.”

    • HolidayinCambodia

      You know who else inflated balls to the wrong pressure?

      • lesterthegiantape

        To the tune of the Colonel Bogey March:

        Hitler, had only one big ball,
        Goering, he had two but very small,
        Himmler had something simmler,
        But poor old Goebbels had no balls at all.
        Whistle Chorus:

        Frankfurt has only one beer hall,
        Stuttgart, die Munchen all on call,
        Munich, vee lift our tunich,
        To show vee `Cherman` have no balls at all.
        Whistle Chorus:

        Hans Otto is very short, not tall,
        And blotto, for drinking Singhai and Skol.
        A `Cherman`, unlike Bruce Erwin,
        Because Hans Otto has no balls at all.
        Whistle Chorus:

        Hitler has only one big ball,
        The other is in the Albert Hall.
        His mother, the dirty bugger,
        Cut it off when he was small.
        Whistle Chorus:

        • H0mer0

          I remember that tune from the movie based on the book “A Separate Peace” with Parker Stevenson back in the day. I never knew the words before.Yay!

    • proudgrampa

      Well, at least she didn’t compare Brady to Hitler.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Thankfully she left that for Yinzers like me.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        No wai. Everyone knows that Hills is a grandmothery Hitler, so comparing Brady to Hillz is comparing Brady to Hitler. QED

  • Callyson

    Donald Trump said he’d be willing to tap Sarah Palin (for a job in his “administration,”
    you pervs), and Wonkette got so excited it yapped like a small dog and then died of an orgasm.

    Pretty sure Melania was happy about this, until she realized The Donald was referring to a job in his administration rather than in his bedroom…

    • cousin itt

      Isn’t Melania some sort of skin pigmentation disease?

    • Me not sure

      He could send Sarah to the border and make her Secretary of the Fence.

  • Joshua Norton

    MoDo’s NYT column claiming that Biden is thinking of running for POTUS is all the confirmation you need that he’s not.

    • Beaumarchais?

  • Swampgas_Man

    Whyisit, the more editorials I see reassuring us that of COURSE, Rump won’t be the Republican nominee, I start to think he will?

    • Dylan Black

      Just to be clear, you’re not saying that because you think its a BAD thing, right? Because as someone who wants whatever combination of Hillz, OHJB and Bernie that comes out of the to win, I FULLY hope that the GOP is actually stupid enough to nominate Trump.

      That and the fact that Bloom County has returned would make for a hell of an entertaining campaign.

      • Swampgas_Man

        Unfortunately, I also believe the American voting public is dumb enough to put him in office.

        • MilwaukeeKent

          Much of his support right now comes from a GOP Tea Party base that was humored like the chuckleheads they are by a GOP establishment that promised, somehow, to impeach Obama over ACA/Benghazi/Fast & Spurious/Being Black/ Etc. and failed to deliver.
          They’ve lost control of their own party. If Trump follows through and wins two out of three early primaries, doesn’t get derailed by the GOP, or does and runs as an independent, the GOP is screwed. As it is he’s sucked all the air out of their inflatable love dolls and they can’t confront him directly.
          I’m going to be so sick of popcorn by the time this plays out.
          It isn’t a crowd for subtlety, if one of the other candidates calls him out with an “At last, Sir, have you no shame?”, he’d answer, “NO! I’m Yooooge!” and the audience will roar with approval. He may get the GOP nod, they may not have a choice, but that’s half or less of the GOP base which isn’t even a quarter of the voters. The GOP asked for this monster and they got him. Never summon demons. Personally I think “brokered convention/total chaos “.
          Unfortunately, that doesn’t mean the American voting public isn’t dumb enough to put him in office and a lot of that popcorn consumption will be to prevent chewing off my own arm.

          • Delu

            Well the main reasons why they vote for him I believe is below:

            -He says the things that they want to hear. Racism? Check. Xenophobia? Check. Anti-anything Obama? Check.

            -He’s a billionaire and somehow that means something to them. Credibility through $ it seems.

            -He’s a “fighter” that doesn’t back down. This is absolutely true when we see that he’s been lashing out at ANYONE who has ever criticized him, even GoP members like John McCain. And yeah most of his “responses” to them have been along the lines of “I’m right you’re not and you’re also a poopy head”.

            Like how he says that it was HE who fired the sponsors who decided not to associate themselves with him after his Mexico remarks, and not THEM who fired HIM. (when it was totally them who did). Somehow this sort of infantile ad hominem goes down well with his base, and comes across as being “strong and not backing down”.

            -He’s one of us. For some reason the people who said this seems to forget that he’s a billionaire and, unless they are too, it’s going to be a bit difficult to say he’s “one of them”. Nonetheless I have to agree with this part. Trump thinks the way they do, supports the things they do, acts like they do or like how they think that a “President” should and does things that fly with them.

            Xenophobia, Racism, rude and classless ad hominem. Statements with no facts (but accepted as facts), and attacking anyone who criticizes him.

            One of them.

            -He tells it like it is. Or rather like they want to hear it, as can be seen from above. After all, he was dead wrong about how illegal immigrants “commit most of the crime in America” but hey, that’s just a little thing that doesn’t matter right?

            -Says common sense things. I distinctly remember the supporter who said this alluded to Trump’s claim to “build a high wall around America’s border with Mexico”.

            Common sense to the right sure means something different doesn’t it?

            -Talks the talk well, walks the talk never, but that’s ok with them. Still waiting for him to release the results of his “bombshell” investigation into Obama’s past which he claimed a few years ago, or for him to explain ANY policy (and he can start with his wall building around Mexico one) that he would adopt.

            But hey, all that doesn’t matter to his supporters. He says what they want to hear they way they want to hear it (he tells it like it is!).

            And that’s enough.

          • MilwaukeeKent

            Exactly, but take heart there aren’t enough of THEM [crosses fingers].

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            25% of GOPpers, i.e., the teabagger contingent. They’re a force in the primaries, but – aside from being a source of brain-dead congressdolts – they’re a sideshow in the national elections.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If they were stupid enough to nominate the Donald (they aren’t), you’d see the highest Democratic voter turnout in a century. And a lot of Republicans would stay home out of disgust.

        • Dylan Black

          Yep!

    • Rick Hill

      And the follow ups that, no way, he would be preznit. I’m thinking it happens the same way Bart lost the election for student body president, no one took the time to go to vote against Trump. Ha-ha…..

    • MilwaukeeKent

      If he takes Iowa, New Hampshire and THEN South Carolina — it will be Panic in Botox Needle Park! As it stands today, Fox may have to merge the Adult and Kid’s Table debates this Thursday just to reduce the amount of air time Trump gets, making it another 2012 GOP debates free-fall. Whee!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Personally I am all for them nominating him. I think it will be the straw that broke the republican back and all those mod repubs (they DO exist!) are gonna pull a Jim Webb and finally realize that their party is not the party of Lincoln anymore- hell, it isn’t even the party of Nixon anymore.

      However, he will bail right before he has to produce all his tax returns

  • Beaumarchais?

    OT, but I just got my generic thank-you robo-email from Trix for the server donation! It was light, a little sassy, and quasi-sincere!

    No sideboob or buttsechs, but maybe she’s saving that for our special time together in the Wonkette RV. Yes I am free August 14th, and I do know about the rockin’n’knockin’.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I got one too. I guess they lowered the written thank you bar into the “cheapskate” category. Everybody’s a winner!

      • nightmoth

        Me, three. I may print it out and put it inside a valentine heart like a teen-age girl. Maybe.

        • rebecca

          thank you! at least SOMEONE appreciates me around here!!

          • NellCote71

            Where is the Sunday baby picture? Huh?

          • Transition into Jewish Mother capable of inducing enormous amounts of guilt is complete in 3, 2, 1 . . . ; )

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Awww, we all do. Heck, we’d all have (gay-)married you, but nobody knew that the key to your heart was web skillz.

    • natoslug

      I got mine too! She loves me — she really loves me! If the drinky thing RV ever rolled through here, I’d be willing to pack the walls with pot bales. I’ve heard it makes great insulation.

    • rebecca

      robo email? I copy and pasted that note myself, AND typed your name!

      pfft.

      • MilwaukeeKent

        Woah. Word is out on the RV? Last I heard you and Shy and Donna Rose were going to town for the farmer’s market and maybe shop RVs. Guess you decided against buying a farmer. Me: sad face. RV though? Happy face!

      • Beaumarchais?

        Tip: they actually have software now that will do that for you!

      • proudgrampa

        I, for one, enjoyed your little note and thank you for it. Hope you enjoy your brand-new motor home!

    • Barley_Brains

      I seriously
      encouraged the RV
      with poetry.

      If they think the plan is swell,
      Only time will tell.

      I await to hear them sing,
      About the upcoming drinky thing.

  • idiotboy

    Monday sucks, I will send $3, maybe more if i toke right now while making dinner for my family and friends who do not understand how much time it takes to make dinner and respond to the wonkette while listening to obscure Jimi H that I have never heard.

    Living the life is hard as one approaches 60. Confused about real vs real. Used to be easy, nothing was real.

    Back to Monday, have to finish and start a couple of jobs. Not a typical low life hippie family. We start, and finish work we hate. Most of life is like that. Liberal or Redneck.

    Hate Monday.

    • tinker12

      Around my house it used to be known as “Moanday” but I’m retired now so every day is Saturday. Me likey.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      “Hey, man. I know the difference between real real and drug real.”

  • idiotboy

    well I tried to give $ but it is too difficult for my old brain so fuckit

  • Poly_Ester

    Will Mike have the god of the southern baptists’ smite the Israelites if they don’t obey him?

  • kindness

    The Sassy President is sweet. Why just this weekend he called Senator Cotton ‘International Man of Mystery’ because Cotton traveled to Vienna and came back claiming to have found a ‘secret’ side arms agreement in the Iran Nuke deal. So secret it was published on the State Department’s website 7/13/15 the day the treaty was announced. I love the I Got No Fucks To Give Barack.

    • Delu

      The funniest part?

      http://freebeacon.com/national-security/cotton-hits-back-at-white-houses-man-of-mystery-quip-with-video-detailing-admins-cluelessness-on-iran-side-deals/

      Cotton “hits back” at the whitehouse by posting this video that shows a bunch of politicians either saying they don’t know what the “side deals” are, have never heard of any, state that there aren’t any or aren’t even talking about any deals.

      And then he tries to accuse the whitehouse of “deflecting” when they can’t even keep a story straight….even though the collective of those clips imply that there is no secret or side deal that anyone knows about or has heard about (and who’s to know what “side deals” are those that are being referenced in the clip anyway? The clip itself sure doesn’t say).

      Weirdly enough Cotton doesn’t point out that this attempt of his doesn’t really back up his claims that he DOES indeed have information on the “Iran secret deals” that he got from Vienna, in fact if anything, it’s like this response itself is a DEFLECTION from his Vienna claims, in the same way one tries to deflect from being unable to answer a question by calling the questioner a “poopy head”.

      As for that supposed information from Vienna? Still secret or so our Master Spy himself claims. For some reason he won’t reveal what those “secret deals” are because somehow it would “damage America” (and if so what’s the point of going all the way to get ammunition for opposing the Iran policy when you end up not even being able to use it).

      Or maybe he’s going to only release this information when he gets paid ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        one meeeeelion dollars *pinky up*

        Someone needs to make a Tom Cotton version of secret agent man. But not me, cause I have no time, nor wit enough

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Cotton and Trump need to get together; between Cotton’s secret information and Trump’s secret plans, they should be able to cook up some super-secret positions, policies, and principles. They will be classy, and yooge, and really s-m-r-t and everybody should vote for Trump, so we can find out what they are.

  • proudgrampa

    Looking back on The Day the Internet Stood Still, I am amazed at how important it was to me that Wonkette got back up and running. I was drawn to checking it every five minutes; I was so distraught, I guess. I started imagining what life without Wonkette would be like, I was at a loss as to what I would do: I can only take so much Huffington Post and Mother Jones (neither has a sense of humor).
    Anyway, I guess this is my way of saying that I Love You, Wonkette. And I love all of my fellow commenters (even though there are never any comments allowed here). I will continue to get all my News, Weather and Porn from Wonkette!

    • If you ever go down on me, I promise to show my love by checking every five minutes, too!

    • cousin itt

      Michael Renne libel.

      God, I love that movie.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Sarah’s showing off her stuff so that the Donald can see just how super smart she is. On her faceplace page she is pretending to have read Alexis de Tocqueville and having really deep thoughts about it also too!

    Her ragtag bag of snuffling toadies are all really impressed with their edjumicated Sarah. One asks her if the book can “still be gotten”, as if you would need the use of a time machine to get a copy. My favorite comment is this one;

    “Question is big government infringing on our privacy and freedom of assembly to be black listed by government agencies let say you go to Tea Party meeting one time to check it out ,your in trouble because it have opposing views to Obama ? Only need one yes man uncover cop or a political operative to get every person name that attend the meetings ! They do the same as thieves with hand held scanners in their pockets get all the information off your credit,debit, card and maybe your License too ! Maybe in stores too the tag detector for shop lifting goods will also scan the cards in your wallets to ID you if your a thief but it also invading your privacy to relay back big brother on your movement ! Petty soon police cars from the street be able to scan cards in your wallet while you on the sidewalk ! Suggestion buy one of the new shielded wallets or make your own take a business card tape tin foil to both side ,enclose in scotch tape or duct tape put one at the top of plastics sleeve to cards and one at the bottom ,or do the same with the paper card holders, can hold 3 to 4 cards in the shield protector inserted behind change holder they will never fall out! P.S I prefer outer layer duck tape one layer,last longer And stronger!”

    A recommendation for tin foil! It doesn’t get any better than that.

    https://www.facebook.com/sarahpalin

    • proudgrampa

      Barbara, thank you for going to Facebook so I don’t have to.

      • Barbara Delaney

        Watching Sarah pretending to be familiar with the writing of Alexis de Tocqueville is pretty damn funny.

        Sarah tells us he’s not just some pointy-headed doctor of thinkology like some dumb dimocrat. She tells us he had solutions! (Sarah’s exclamation point)

        “our lawmakers might look not at the benefits for their home district, or vainly calculate attention from the next media hit…”

        Look not at the benefits for your home district, but look at how you can benefit from them. Also too. (Sarah channels JFK)

    • nmmagyar

      That was horrifying. I did like the number of comments complimenting de Toqueville for being a “Real American”

    • She gets Alexis de Tocqueville and Tomás de Torquemada confused.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So, Sarah . . . how many of the 18th-century European political historians have you read?

    • actor212

      She didn’t just read Alexis, she’s read all of the de Tocquevilles, Katie!

  • nmmagyar

    Totally OT, but even my shitty local news is off and running with the Biden for POTUS story. My question is: are panties manufactured to withstand the potential damage done by a Biden/Warren ticket?

    • cynmac

      Not even the most absorbent Depends could contain the moisture generated. Although a Bernie/Liz ticket has had me in my bunk for months now!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Wingnuts pissing in their pants have the same a similar problem.

  • Msgr_Moment

    OT: Sad news. The Wonkerati should join with the Liberal Bee Jays in mourning this loss.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      saw that, poor lil guy :(

  • palintwit

    I need help coming up with the last line for this. Anybody?

    There once was a grifter named Palin,
    Whose last name rhymed with failin’.
    She fleeced baggers for cash,
    Her family’s white trash,
    …….??

    • Paperless Tiger

      She got those Republicans flailin’.

  • Paperless Tiger

    “And that requires on both sides, Democrat and Republican, a sense of seriousness and decorum and honesty,” he added.

    This is right up there with MLK’s I Have a Dream speech.

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