Hey Wonkers! It is Sunday, and whew, what a week we had! Your Wonkette got lost (broken because bad server was bad), but then was found (fixed with a shiny new server!), was blind but now it sees! And you all made that possible! If you have not had a chance, please read our heartfelt THANK YOU for all the moneys you gave us to help us in our time of need.
Now, we will count down the top stories in a second, and we know so many of you opened up your wallets to help this week, and we love you for that, but the truth is that running this here mommyblog and recipe hub, which occasionally talks about politics, is an ongoing endeavor, and in addition to all the other ways you can help us on a daily basis (helpful guide HERE), a thing that really helps us out is for regular Wonkers like yourselves to throw us a little money on a regular basis, just so we can keep ourselves lubed up for glory, and also so we Wonkettes, who love you, can continue to eat “food” and stuff. So will you give us a small money, $3 to be exact? Because you love us and also every single Wonkette likes to live “indoors,” so help us continue doing that, by throwing us $3. It is a bargain to love us so much it hurts.
Okay, here are your top ten stories of the week. Did you read them? Probably not, because Wonkette was broken. So read them now!
1. Here’s your president, Barry Bamz Soetoro Zimbabwe Obama, or whatever his REAL name is, gettin’ all sassy-like with the Republicans. We like it when he does that.
2. What is the most “Florida” headline ever? It is here, in last Sunday’s Florida Roundup!
3. Donald Trump said he’d be willing to tap Sarah Palin (for a job in his “administration,” you pervs), and Wonkette got so excited it yapped like a small dog and then died of an orgasm.
4. For some weird reason Israel didn’t find Mike Huckabee’s comments helpful, the ones about how Barack Obama and Iran are doing the Holocaust to them.
5. So of course, the most important story in the entire universe last week was about that mean dickhead dentist what killed a lion in Africa. And we wrote about it (EARLY, before the media OUTRAGE happened), and we were mad about it (mostly nicotine withdrawals), but jeez, we guess we found the one thing Americans agree on. People can get killed by police, people can kill the police, people can die from poverty and hunger, and that’s all fine, but DON’T FUCK WITH OUR AFRICAN LIONS, which we have never met in person.
6. Known Jewish lady Sarah Silverman defended Planned Parenthood, which made her TOTALLY just like Hitler. A lady on Wonkette’s Facebook page (click here to LIKE!) did not understand “Wonkette” and “funny” and “read the article for chrissakes!” and requested that we remove the article from the Google. We did not comply with that request.
7. Seattle had a straight pride “parade” and it was just great. There was one parader, and he was very enthusiastic!
8. Go back and relive the fateful day, when Wonkette got broked. It was Wednesday!
9. Military recruiters somehow don’t appreciate it when militia types “defend” them, by accidentally shooting stuff.
10. Liberal trolls decided to be hilarious and wonderful and improve a Confederate pride Facebook page, with pictures of old gay dicks and stuff. So helpful, liberals!
So there you go, Wonkers. We taught you very important things this week, even when we were broken, and you helped us not be broken anymore, and now we are back to our regularly scheduled programming. And seriously, THANK YOU.
Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette! While you’re at it, you should follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix. Oh, and @shypixel, who deserves an extra bundle of your heaping, joyful gratitude, for making it through Wonkette Technical Internet Essplosion Week without blowing more than three gaskets.
Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups, the Bernie Sanders t-shirt right below this paragraph, and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie! Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $3. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!
Okay, now we are going to spend the rest of our Sunday doing either Something or Absolutely Nothing, haven’t decided yet. You all do the same! See you Monday and stuff.