We have been so busy LOLing and WTFing over Donald Trump’s attack on John McCain for being a fake war hero, with his weak-assed POWing, because Trump “like[s] people that weren’t captured,” that we almost forgot to tell you some of the other hilarity of Trump’s weekend. Almost.
Trump’s brilliant assessment of what makes a real war hero was delivered to the Bible-humping base of the Republican Party (yeah, we know, that’s redundant), at the Family Leadership Summit, in Ames, Iowa. That’s where the GOP candidates try to out-Jesus each other with soaring rhetoric about how much they hate buttsex and ’bortions, like the Bible says. Just one teeny tiny problem for Donald Trump: God talk ain’t his strong suit. Trump is more comfortable threatening to kick ass and telling “losers and haters” how stupid they are. Still, when in Iowa, and all, so here’s Trump trying to show the values voters how much he, like the other candidates, is into God n stuff:
Trump, who told CNN earlier that he is both anti-abortion and anti-same-sex marriage, said people are surprised to learn about his Christian faith.
“People are so shocked when they find … out I am Protestant. I am Presbyterian. And I go to church and I love God and I love my church,” he said.
Well yeah, of course we are shocked to find out Trump goes to church and loves God, because come ON, Jesus was weak, and we’d figure Trump likes saviors who didn’t get crucified. But as we learned not so long ago, Trump is a real family values kind of guy, as all of his wives and mistresses will tell you. That’s part of what has made Donald Trump so great at life, in addition to simply being Donald Trump. It’s also why he has never bothered to ask God for forgiveness because if Trump has ever done something wrong — and come on, he probably never has — he just fixes it himself because he doesn’t need God.
“I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.”
Trump said that while he hasn’t asked God for forgiveness, he does participate in Holy Communion.
“When I drink my little wine — which is about the only wine I drink — and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness, and I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed,” he said. “I think in terms of ‘let’s go on and let’s make it right.'”
Spoken like a truly God-fearing church-attending man of faith, one who definitely knows that Presbyterians drink grape juice, not real wine, in communion. Munching on his little cracker, aka the body of Christ, is Trump’s own special way of getting right with God, not that he needs to, because when has Trump ever done anything wrong? Never, that’s when. He’s Donald fucking Trump! And if you don’t understand just how good at God he is, like how he is good at everything, you’re obviously one of those dumb haters and losers whose IQ is not nearly as YOOOOGE as Trump’s.