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Why not bring back the classics?

How’s this for a surprise? Louisiana, where abstinence-only sex ed is mandatory and schools are actually forbidden by law from teaching about contraception and STDs, has the cities with the highest and second-highest STD infection rates in this great nation of ours. Cosmopolitan New Orleans is actually #2 in that competition, with the top prize going to Baton Rouge, which is of course French for “Pustulent Crimson Infected Stick.” But Think Progress brings us an inspiring profile of a man who’s trying to change that: State Rep. Wesley Bishop, who has the daffy idea that maybe if New Orleans schools adopted comprehensive sex education, the city might actually scream a bit less frequently when it pees.

Rep. Bishop (guess which party, just guess!) introduced a bill in this year’s legislative session to mandate comprehensive sex ed, and while it failed, he plans to keep trying in future sessions. Why not try to pass a statewide change? Bishop knew better than to try anything that radical just yet:

“Since I figured it wouldn’t pass statewide, I thought we had a better chance to do it just in the city of New Orleans,” Bishop told ThinkProgress from his office at Southern University New Orleans, where he is associate vice chancellor for academic affairs. “We have a lot of exceptions in Louisiana law just for the city of New Orleans.”

How true this is. New Orleans is also the one place in Louisiana that insists that biology classes actually teach real science, while the rest of the state allows — hell, encourages — teachers to “supplement” textbooks with whatever Bible stories or Flintstones cartoons they find most scientifically relevant.

Bishop’s bill had a lot of support from sane, rational people and groups like the New Orleans City Council and School Board, and Planned Parenthood Gulf Coast, not to mention all the empirical evidence that abstinence-only sex ed leads to higher teen pregnancy and STD rates. So of course it failed, because didn’t you see what state we’re talking about here? Even so, Bishop plans to keep trying, because you can’t make an omelet without fucking that chicken, as long as you wear a condom.

“If the rest of the state wants to stick their head in the sand and doesn’t want to move on it, that’s one thing,” he said. “But we think that this is what we need to try to move forward. So as a city we stepped out there to try to get that done. It did not work, but we’re going to try again and again and again. Because something has to give.”

Hey, if your city has U.S. America’s second-highest STD rate, we’d say that something already gave, if you know what we mean, and we think you do.

Not surprisingly, Bishop’s efforts have been opposed by all the Jebus People like the “Louisiana Family Forum” and Gov. Bobby Jindal, who has actually cut funding for STD prevention, presumably on the principle that people who get peen and vag diseases deserve them; Jindal also signed a 2014 bill banning any Planned Parenthood employee from teaching sex ed in a school since they might get abortion germs all over the younglings. Not surprisingly, Rep. Bishop finds the governor’s attitude just the teensiest bit counterproductive:

“There are governors around the country now who support sex ed and their numbers are a whole lot better than the numbers in Louisiana,” Bishop said. “We should follow someone else’s lead, but unfortunately our governor decided not to do that.”

Well, sure, but other states also insist on teaching real science in their science classes, and Louisiana has no intention of hopping on Satan’s Bandwagon. Sounds to us like Rep. Bishop doesn’t believe in Louisiana Exceptionalism. After all, just look at his terrible ideas on parenting — he has two sons who are 5 and 17, and says he hopes that he’ll be able to get comprehensive sex-ed into the schools by the time the younger one is in school (which seems awfully selfish of him):

“I want to make sure my son has that kind of information because when he gets to be 16 or 17 and decides to be sexually active, I want him to know the consequences,” Bishop said. “It would be great if we were able to have a father-son talk, but that might not be the case. But I at least want him to have the basic information that he needs to make proper decisions.”

You see? If he were a good parent, he’d just scare the boy with tales of how condoms break and impress upon him the fact that anyone who has sex before marriage is eternally tarnished, like they do in Texas. Sure, maybe the kid will get chlamydia, but at least he’ll have been brought up right.

[ThinkProgress]

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  • elviouslyqueer

    I’m not going to comment on this until I hear what Brisket Pole-In has to say.

    • tihond

      It’s hard to hear her over the scratching sounds.

    • memzilla

      …anyone who has sex before marriage is eternally tarnished…

      If you’re a womyn, you’re Eternally Brisdulled.

    • schmannity

      Don’t ask before noon, she’s busy throwing up in the morning.

  • Lot_49

    They can’t overturn Roe v Wade or Griswold v Connecticut, yet, so they just keep chipping away at reproductive freedom. Can’t somebody get these guys laid so they’ll quit worrying about everybody who is?

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Would you want to volunteer for that suicide mission?

      • Lot_49

        I see your point.

    • kindness

      It would be immoral to even offer up one of those Japanese Sex robots to these yahoos. In fact the only ones they deserve to bang are Louisiana’s finest STD infected hookers (and I’d still feel sorry for the hookers).

      • Duckbudder

        Slow Clap

  • Msgr_Moment

    Say, you know who else’s name means Pustulent Crimson Infected Stick?

    • SnarkTank

      Chairman Mao?

    • Spotts1701

      Donald Trump?

    • Lot_49

      Red Skelton?

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Piyush Jindal?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Bristol Palin?

      • Virginia Dreaming

        Silly me, I thought Bristol Palin is the plural of, “accidentally, on-purpose pregnant.”

    • jviscont1

      Charles C Johnson?

    • chicken thief

      Vladamir Put_in?

      • Virginia Dreaming

        He has crotch cats, really big ones.

    • arglebargle

      I believe the latin translation is reince priebus.

  • Msgr_Moment

    The Crotch Crickets?

    “If you screwed
    Peggy Sue”

  • tihond

    Ahh the Crotch Crickets… They really came into their own on their third album.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    First and foremost humans are biological creatures. This is what happens when you ignore biology, and try to substitute your own wishful thinking. The biology comes back to bite you in the ass, or some area close by.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    What about a privately funded Sex Ed bus that went from 200 ft from a school to 200ft from a school passing out condums and books about the clap?

    Sure as heck would be creepy as all get out, BUT, someone has to actually think of the children for a damn change down in those there parts.

    • Vecciojohn

      I tried that at the local high school once, but none of the girls would get into the bus.

      • JohnR

        Did you forget the “Free Candy” sign?

        • Lance Thrustwell

          No, that’s for middle school. “Free Adderall”.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …worked for me!

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      There’s a grammatical error in your last sentence. I hate to be all pedantic, and all, but technically we would say “down in THEM there parts.”

  • Vecciojohn

    I don’t care what anyone says, I have faith that someday we will convince teenagers to stop wanting to fuck each other until they get married.

    • Spotts1701

      And then we’ll all ride away on our unicorns, yes?

      • Vecciojohn

        And then the state will wither away.

    • arglebargle

      You have “fuck” and “faith” together in the same sentence, so that’s a start.

  • SK

    Like Rick Perry said, “They must not be doing it right!”

    Paging Bristol Palin…

  • Spotts1701

    Okay, so before doing the nasty in Louisiana you’ll need to fumigate.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Sounds like Jindal did a 180º about-face on that “Stop being the Party of Stupid” proposal.
    Now he’s racing with Rick Scott and Scott Walker to be the worst dumbfuck governor in the U.S.A.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      If you can’t lick ’em…

      • arglebargle

        What with the crabs ‘n all, I ain’t licking or joining.

      • CognizantImpiety

        Shave ’em?

      • CognizantImpiety

        Shave ’em?

  • goonemeritus

    This info is going to put a damper on my typical Mardi Gras entertainment
    choices.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I guess the Bayou isn’t the only thing smelling a little “Swampy” down in Louisiana

  • CalvinianChoice

    Piyush has decimated the Parish Health Units with his budget cuts. Family planning clinics only exist because of Title X money from the feds. Now Congress is doing all they can to eliminate that revenue.
    These are not nice people.

  • chicken thief

    “Because something has to give.”

    It appears they already are, Mr. Bishop,… it appears they already are.

  • JohnR

    Crotch Crickets and that humidity, two reasons not to go.

  • LarryHoudini

    Kids don’t need sex ed in schools! They can just click on the Wonkette sidebar links.

    • Vecciojohn

      Doctors hate this this weird trick for curing crotch crickets!

      • LarryHoudini

        The news cameraman wasn’t expecting herpes to happen!

    • SecludedCompound

      Ten pics of ladies bending over who are TOTALLY ABSTINENT DON’T YOU WANT TO BE ABSTINENT TOO!?!?!?

      • Biff52

        In Louisiana skools, abstinence is the opposite of present.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …in Lousiana do you catch “crabs” or “crawfish”?!?!

    • nmmagyar

      AOT, K

    • Lance Thrustwell

      Crawdads, suh. Or mudbugs, or simply bugs. I did time in Nawlens.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …if I ever went to doctor and he said I had genital “mud bugs” I would probably set my crotch on fire

    • Sharkey

      Crickets, apparently.

      (I learned something new today!)

    • Vecciojohn

      You get a line and I’ll a pole, honey, ?
      Your get a line and I’ll get a pole, babe
      You get a line and I’ll get a pole ?
      And we’ll go down to that crotch cricket hole
      Honey, baaaby mine?

    • w9anthimos

      In Bobby Jindal’s Louisiana, crabs catch you!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Yuck, it’s already so humid in Louisiana, the thought of all those soggy, itchy undergarments is really not making sexxytime sound all that appealing. Maybe that’s Jindal’s master plan to encourage abstinence, just gross the kids out?

  • PsycWench

    Isn’t this a city where drunk young woman pull up their shirts in return for plastic beads?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You are referring, ma’am, to an ancient and noble tradition. Now where did I put those necklaces…

      • PsycWench

        As ancient as plastic itself.

    • nmmagyar

      Drunk, young men whip out their tally-whackers for said beads also, too

      • jmk

        For some reason, videos of the gentlemen engaged in said activities get less play on Faux Nooz, though.

        I wonder why?

      • Logic of Color

        Is there such thing as “sympathy beads”? asking for a friend

    • jviscont1

      those women would be outside agitators from up north. true flowers of the south are the ones w/o panties.

      • Steverino247

        Those “flowers” wouldn’t resemble a “rosebud” would they?

  • geoffalnutt

    “Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position” Bill Maher…except for Bristle Palin. Apparently everything is a sex position with her…especially the abstinence one.

    • Lance Thrustwell

      I have several sex positions. And they are all debatable.

    • m3bosha

      Ooooh! That reminds me, I’m going to go see Bill Maher tonight! Why he’d ever come to Colorado Springs, I have no idea. Unless it’s the pot. (It’s def the pot, who am I kidding)

  • Hey, kids can learn about sex the same way I did as a child: accidentally finding your dad’s porno mag stash in the garage while playing with your Transformers.

    Just because I have to have Jazz watch to this very day is no reason to move away from traditional values.

    • Spotts1701

      See? Now if you had said Prowl or Trailbreaker we might have to have a talk.

  • memzilla

    I guarantee you, if it were men who got pregnant, you’d be able to get over-the-counter birth control at Walmart and there would be mobile Abortionplex Winnebagos on call like Uber.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament”.

      Popularized by Gloria Steinem, but she claims it was said to her and Florynce Kennedy by an anonymous woman cab driver.

      • Eykis

        Before Gloria Steinem, my Texas grandmother said ‘abortions would be free’. Then she told me the story of her abortion in 1935 in Texas.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      If men could get pregnant, Starbucks offer you “Plan B” in your lattes.
      Every beer would contain contraceptives, except for the ones you specifically have to ask for.

      “I’ll take a Babby Lite, please. Yeah, the missus wants to try to have a kid.”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Louisiana: “It’s hard to be as backward as Texas when we have a lot fewer people, but we’re trying!”

  • chicken thief

    That’s why I always wash my hands real good before and after sex.

    ~ Josh

    • jmk

      Ummm… EWW

  • schmannity

    I thought conservaturds were in favor of school choice. Maybe Louisiana could start a sex ed voucher program.

    • jviscont1

      the hookers of NOLA local 128 applaud you.

      • Or at least they WOULD if they weren’t so busy fastening David Vitter’s diaper at the moment.

  • Me not sure

    My Dad, was a champ. He had served in he Navy in WWII and had learned the ropes from DoD hygiene films and Italian girl friends. He not only told me all he knew, but showed me where I could always find condoms at home. I did the same with my son. Unwanted pregnancies or STDs have never been a problem for either of us.

  • janecita

    Louisiana needs Women on Waves to drone them some condoms, BC and STIs pamphlets, and abortion pills. http://www.womenonwaves.org

  • dslindc

    STI is the preferred acronym. STD is less desirable because Disease = stigma.

    • SK

      This is true. But ichneumous is just so hard to pronounce.

    • I prefer Viral (or Bacterial) Visitors

      • More like: bacterial squatters

    • clubseal

      Stigma = maybe other people won’t catch the infection.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Officers get a urinary tract infection.
      NCOs get venereal diseases.
      Troops get the clap.

    • doktorzoom

      I thought your comment had merit, and read it to Kid Zoom, who said, “Wait, ‘infection’ isn’t stigmatizing?”

      Dammit, he has a point.

      • PAC

        Sure, “I’ve got a sexually transmitted infection”. Sounds fine. That’s what I say when I call in too drunk to go to work. Or when I get pulled over for speeding.

  • FauxAntocles

    Cavepeople got along fine without sex ed and so can we!

    • From Mama’s Family:

      Mama: “That sex education stuff is just the bunk. They ought to learn the same way we did: trial and error!”

  • SK

    Hey, if your city has U.S. America’s second-highest STD rate, we’d say that something already gave, if you know what we mean, and we think you do.

    Nowadays, second-best is good enough? Back in the good ole days we’d not be all smug and satisfied with a “something already gave.” Our city would not rest till it had the highest STD rate.

  • MrBlobfish

    You want kids to stop having sex? Mandatory Donald Trump masks.

    • Logic of Color

      But then only conservatives would get laid

    • eddi

      I keep one next to the ipecac for when all else fails.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Yeah, but do those STD’s come with a side of babies? That’s the most desired outcome.

    • nmmagyar

      Blind and/or deaf babby is a possibility if the STD is left untreated

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Once babby leaves womb, they don’t give a rat’s ass about it.

  • Fly

    In order for the conservatives to have their end of times scenario, they have to create the proper enviroment.

    • SK

      Which is what? An overpopulated Earth filled with STDs, formed as a result of abstinence? That’d be a miracle.

  • Logic of Color

    There must be some way of successfully suing the state for violating children’s rights. These kids are at a legitimate disadvantage being taught an anti-science curriculum.

  • Favorite STD Graffiti (in the men’s restroom in an university music building):
    DO NOT THROW STRAWS IN THE TOILET! THE CRABS AROUND HERE CAN POLE VAULT!

    • Duckbudder

      Saw the same in high school (CO 79), but it was Tooth Picks.

    • PAC

      I saw the same but it was pole vaulting poles. “Please do not throw pole vaulting poles in the toilet. The entire state has crabs!” And the poles just get in the way. How many poles does it take to……

  • jviscont1

    perhaps Jindal’s disdain for sex ed is rooted in the humiliation of the Mrs always giving him failing grades.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Damn, that was lame, Bobby. Time to fire up the vibrator to get some satisfaction.”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Highest STD rate? Clearly they need to investigate Planned Parenthood.

  • jmk

    “…with the top prize going to Baton Rouge, which is of course French for “Pustulent Crimson Infected Stick.”

    Geaux Tigers!

    • Eykis

      Hey, my kid went to LSU – she lives ‘North of the Lake’ now and works as a teacher in a private progressive Country Day School – where she and her husband send their kids – there is hope.
      Daughter was born in NOLA, before it went insane.

      • jmk

        My beloved did graduate work at LSU, and is as progressive as I am, so I know there is hope.

        He has also turned me into a Tigers football fan…so some of our hope is centered on beating the snot out of the Tide every year.

    • Antimassacree

      But it might burn a bit when you geaux.

  • Ilgattomorte

    From a biblical standpoint it would be wrong to block the spread of STDs. On day 5 God created the water animals and the flying animals. Then on day 6 he created the land animals and didn’t knock out Adam and Eve until the end of the day. Somewhere in that mix of animals are the STDs, so it’s all part of God’s master plan.

    You could argue that God created man to give Gonococcus a place to live and work and it would be wrong to interfere. Hey, a crab’s gotta eat too.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    “We have a lot of exceptions in Louisiana law just for the city of New Orleans.” So, in DC the podunk neocons have their way with that city’s over half a million population, clearing way for gun rights and no women’s rights, whereas logical lawmakers in Louisiana only have NOLA to experiment with.

  • JoeChristmas

    The Sisyphus of Syphilis

    • beatbort

      The Hellhole of Herpes, too

    • Razor’s Edge

      The Goners of Gonorrhea

      The Claptrap of the Clap

      also, too

  • beatbort

    John Kennedy Toole had it right: There’s a Confederacy of Dunces in Louisiana.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    with the top prize going to Baton Rouge

    Home of Piyush Jindal. Coincidence?

    • JustPixelz

      He sure is spreading something down there.

  • Left Coast Tom

    Jindal also signed a 2014 bill banning any
    Planned Parenthood employee from teaching sex ed in a school since they
    might get abortion germs all over the younglings know what they’re talking about

  • NerdWithNoName

    I thought she said her NAME was Chlamydia.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I think that was Mulva.

      • SnarkOff

        Dolores!!

        • Steverino247

          No, Dolores is currently off the coast of Baja California heading NW at about ten knots.

  • SnarkOff

    Isn’t there some way to do an end run around this dumb law? Seems to me public schools could hire independent contractors to come in and teach “after-school extracurricular” comprehensive sex ed, with extra credit given to kids who attend.

    • bobbert

      You’re assuming the public schools have any money.

      • eddi

        Also assuming the perpetrators wouldn’t go to jail for being smarter than the governor.

  • shastakoala

    I blame the humidity. Everyone’s a little crotchety down on the bayou.

    • jviscont1

      thus the term, swampass was born.

  • Steverino247

    The only thing hard-shell Baptists and Catholics have in common is the belief that “(He/She) had (his/her) fun…”

    Punishment is all either group thinks about.

  • Tendernob

    Actually, it behooves Louisiana to have abstinence-only edukation, right? If their goal is to have an easily-led, undereducated majority, then teens having children is the best way to keep it so.

  • Steverino247
  • VandeGraf

    Is there any truth to the alleged rumor that Louisiana is going to make syphilis mandatory? The evidence is compelling.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    As if I needed two more good reasons to avoid Louisiana.

    • Antimassacree

      It’s not the heat that get’s you, it’s the stupidity.

  • Kat Anyperson

    Well… at least he’s trying. *sigh* As futile as it may seem, we never know what will happen with politics unless we try.

    After all, there was a time when Marriage Equality was a pipe dream.

  • Biff52

    Let he among us who hasn’t received that call from the CDC cast the first stone.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Since he doesn’t want to fix it, I’d say this is positive evidence that Bobby Jindal is actually an STD.

  • This can’t be that much of a surprise. After all, we’ve already seen, whether it’s VD or BP that Louisiana does a horrible job at preventing and cleaning up toxic spills.

  • SmotPoker

    Last time I was in New Orleans for Mardi Gras my best friend saved me from a world of hurt.

    I was far too fucked up to be making any kind of judgement calls when a woman came up, starting hitting on me, and telling me she wanted me to fuck her in the ass.

    As I started off with visions of strange dancing in my head, my buddy grabbed me by my arm, and pulled me back. He asked me “What the fuck is wrong with you, have you lost your fucking mind?”, and I told him that the woman wanted me to have anal sex with her. He looked at me like I suddenly sprouting donkey ears, and said, “You fucking idiot, first off, this is New Orleans, they don’t teach sex ed, they don’t use condoms or anything, and your liable to catch a disease. Secondly that’s a dude….”

    Man, did I owe him big time…

    • Yep, I can see why you wouldn’t have wanted to catch a disease. But one butthole’s the same as another. Or so I’m told, by Aleister Crowley.

    • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

      Oh, you tourists!

  • andrew

    2 things I notice about this article:

    1. “he has two sons who are 5 and 17” says number 2 was a “lets risk it” baby.
    2. “when he gets to be 16 or 17 and decides to be sexually active…” This is Louisiana, I think he meant, “when he gets to be 8 or 9…”

  • Sterculius

    Well they just need to teach abstinence HARDER because obviously with the STD epidemic and Bristol Palin knocked up again, THE DAMN KIDS AREN’T LISTENING, SO THE NEW ABSTINENCE ONLY PAMPHLETS WILL BE IN ALL CAPS!

  • Pugsandcoffee

    And this, this is just another reason I refuse to go home. Stupid, stupid people listening to stupid, stupid people.

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