Burning with a desire for reconciliation, these panties are.

June 23, 2015, will go down as the day America’s corporate overlords realized products bearing the symbol of the Confederate battle flag, which commemorates a group of traitors no better than those who leave America to fight alongside ISIS, are BAD. This came after two days of wingnut Republican elected officials coming to Jesus on the subject of the traitor flag, we assume because their internal pollsters told them that the numbers of of Americans horrified by the murder of nine black churchgoers far outweighs the tiny cohort of cousin-humping bubbas who think the flag represents the Real America.

On Tuesday, those cousin-humping bubbas obviously realized there was a reckonin’ a-comin’, so they rushed to stock up on traitor flag shit, with Amazon showing a 2305 percent increase in Confederate flag sales. But OH NO SADFACE, Amazon is going to quit selling all that stuff. Sears, Kmart, and eBay are discontinuing loser racist flag paraphernalia as well. EVEN WALMART, which is like Mecca for racist assholes, is following suit. “Et tu, Brute?” the bigots would ask Walmart, if they had enough book-larnin’ to get that reference.

We joked in the secret Wonkette chatcave that all the racist fuckweasels would have to get their fix on Etsy now, but ha ha, NOPE! Not that either. And Valley Forge Flag Company, one of the big flag-makers what supplies all those companies, isn’t even going to MAKE them anymore! Gonna have to sew your Confederate flags yourselves, until tyrant Obama bans blue and red thread.

Wonkette feels compelled to announce that we will NOT be discontinuing the sale of Confederate flag-themed apparel, because we never sold it in the first place! We DO, however, have Panties With Teeth (pictured above!), which have never been used to oppress ANY minority group, historically or in the present day. In fact, Wonkette Panties With Teeth are 100 percent scientifically certified to look FUCKIN’ HAWT on people of all races, religions, sexual orientations, political persuasions, and any other categories we are currently forgetting.

Even better? Panties With Teeth is a BARGAIN at only $7.99. And we have other non-racist items for sale too, like Handsome Joe Biden iPhone cases and sexy T-shirts with kittens and whips and even a Bernie Sanders T-shirt!

So, instead of congratulating all these corporate behemoths on suddenly saying “guess we won’t sell that racist shit no more,” why don’t you support the Wonkette empire, which ain’t never had no racist shit in the first place?

Or just give us money, that’s fine too.

[Wonkette Bazaar]

Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • marxalot

    Get the feeling that Evan just really, really wanted to use the phrase “panties with teeth” as often as possible?

    • BaddTicker

      Don’t we all?

    • EvanHurst


      • bobbert

        Can you use “panties with teeth” and “Kirby Delauter” in a sentence?

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Panties with teeth AND camel toe. What’s not to love?

    • Dimitrios M.

      When the wearer of panties with teeth have a camel toe, the panties wind up with a hair-lip.

      • aureolaborealis

        Isn’t a camel toe already kind of a hare-lip?

        • Dimitrios M.

          No doubt, but its still more Felis than Lepus.

  • OneYieldRegular

    June 23, 2015: The Day They Drove Ol’ Dixie Down

    Back with my wife in Tennessee,
    When one day she says to me,
    “Virgil, quick come see! There goes the Robert E. Lee.”
    Now I don’t mind choppin’ wood
    And I don’t care if the money’s no good
    You take what you can and leave the rest

    • PubOption

      As sung by Levon Jade Helm?

  • exinkwretch

    It’s especially ironic that cheap-ass rebel flags we’re probably produced in some shitty Chinese sweatshop — a double homage to slavery!

  • mrFawkes

    Aren’t Wonkette’s panties with teeth oppressive and discriminatory to rednecks with zero teeth who have a zero chance of ever zeroing in on some panties.

    • Also, too, affording them?

    • Dimitrios M.

      Just the opposite! If rednecks have Wonkette panties with teeth, those oppressive and discriminatory Secesh can drop their overalls and flash their sibling a smile before hunkering down to screw.

  • Paperless Tiger

    If you declare war, you’re not a traitor.

    • Steverino247

      If you’re not really a country, but rebelling against the lawful authority of the United States, you are a traitor. Just because the rebels called themselves the Confederate States of America did not mean they actually were the Confederate States of America. No other nation recognized them as such and there were a lot of citizens in those areas who supported the Union cause, notably in the area now incorporated as the state of West Virginia and nothern Alabama. It was the War of the Rebellion in the official records of that conflict.

      • nightmoth

        There were also supporters in East Tennessee—there was a county in the mountain region of the state that went Union. A lot of “hillbillies” in that state as well as Western North Carolina felt they didn’t have a dog in the fight.

        • Vecciojohn

          “Rich man’s war, poor man’s fight.”

          • nightmoth

            You nailed it.

          • Vecciojohn

            Well, thank God that never happened again in American history.

          • Anarchy Pony

            Doesn’t that describe aot, k?

        • malsperanza

          Conversely, the Irish of New York rioted against the draft in 1863 because they didn’t see why they should have to fight for the freedom of a bunch of darkies.

      • Werewolf

        Every state in the “Confederacy” fielded units for the United States Army, except for the arch-traitors of South Carolina.

  • DemmeFatale

    Best. Birthday present. Ever.

    • Portia Elm

      Happy birthday!

      • DemmeFatale


        (After the day started with a blood draw that the tech had to do TWICE, I needed this!)

  • Dudleydidwrong

    So the major maker (in China?) of flags has decreed that it won’t make any more Confederate flags? Great, ‘cuz there’s now a job opportunity for a Betsy Ross of the Lost Cause. Coulter? Either of the Palin wimmenz? One L? C’mon, where’s your fucked up patriotism? Get out your needles. (No, not THAT one, Bristol!)

  • schmannity

    I think you can still buy rebel flags in Walmart’s sekreet Jade Helm tunnels, if you can get by the PRC troops ready to spring into action.

    • Portia Elm


  • cheetojeebus

    GrannyPantydentaty, nightmare knickers, danger drawers….

  • cousin itt

    “we assume because their internal pollster”

    Do the internal pollsters come with the panties?

    • actor212

      No but I bet they see a lot of external poles.

  • Lot_49

    “Panties with teeth is a bargain…”? And yet: “We DO, however, have Panties With Teeth (pictured above!), which have…

    Screw the grammar, show us your pantius dentatus!

  • Bill Slider

    I’m guessing that antique shops will have a shitload of confederate stuff. It shall be called Southern Heritage memorabilia.

    • eddi

      And the same degree of interest from people you would not invite home as the Nazi and Imperial Japan paraphernalia.

  • Steverino247

    Perhaps the rebellion has finally ended. Let us all hope nobody else has to die for it.

    • Anarchy Pony

      I’m sure there’s still plenty of loonies willing to shed other people’s blood for it.

  • BaddTicker

    You might be redneck if you would rather fap to a picture of the Confederate flag the picture above.

  • JohnR

    If only Ned Beatty had those panties “Deliverance” might have turned out differently.

    • nmmagyar

      Wouldn’t he have had to have worn them backwards to have changed the outcome?

      • Dimitrios M.

        It wasn’t the outcome that upset Ned.

        • lovelydestruction

          …but the ingo was hell.

  • Me not sure

    When panties with teeth are outlawed, only panties without teeth will have no…..something…..something….I dunno.

    • proudgrampa

      Let me try.
      When panties with teeth are outlawed, only outlaws without teeth will have panties?… no, that’s not it…
      Oh, heck with it.

      • malsperanza

        OK, so when panties are outlawed, only outlaws will have panties. The rest of us will have teeth.

        • Dimitrios M.

          When panties with teeth are outlawed, only outlaw panties will have incisors.

          (Molars only count if our are an organ grinder.)

    • cousin itt

      An outlaw can have my panties any time.

      • lovelydestruction

        When they pry them from my cold, dead…no, hang on.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Sales went up 2300%? This country sucks.

    • Lady Bug

      Isn’t that somewhat the same thing that happened after Sandy Hook? Despite the fact that 80% of the country at one point supported stricter gun control, not only did nothing pass on the federal level, sales of guns actually went up.

      • 6 people bought 80 million guns…

      • malsperanza

        After Sandy Hook, sales went up because gun-humpers thought for sure this time there would be legislation banning that shit. So they cracked open the kid’s piggy bank and the wife’s grocery money, and bought everything they thought would be banned.

        Same thing with the Confederate flag: after all, now it’s about to become a Vintage Collectable on eBay, just like the “Black Americana” crap that’s all over the site.

      • James Christopher Owen

        When, in the wake of the Newtown massacre, not only could we not even reinstate the federal assault weapons ban, we actually saw a resurgence of the NRA, I realized we had passed the point of no return. As I watched a nation abandon its moral horror at such an atrocity and retreat before the polemical assault of the gun worshipers, I said to myself “If we’ll sit still for this, there’s nothing we’ll stand up for.”

        • Lady Bug

          That’s why I was so (pleasantly) surprised that something was done about the Confederate flag. I was sure that we would have another situation similar to what happened on gun control: public outrage, high polling in support of the issue, politicians (even unlikely ones) expressing support, but then months and years go by and nothing is done.

          • eddi

            Nothing really has been done yet. Stores of many sorts have stopped selling guns as a business decision. Gun stores that specialize still operate profitably. Ditto stores of many sorts are banning Stars and Bars junk as a business decision. All that does is open room for small, specialized shops. Expect lots of Rednecks ‘R Us to open off the back porch or garage. Less paperwork than gun sales.

    • Portia Elm

      that’s the same thing that happened right beforeTwinkies went to Mexico

  • actor212

    Rednecks can try selling them on Etsy, but Etsy just announced they would remove all Confederate flag merchandise.

    Hey! Maybe they can start a new site: Hatesy!

    • JohnnyZhivago2

      The Redneck Etsy is called Ebay.

      • Metadude

        Ebay also followed suit, as did NASCAR. Strange times!

  • Lady Bug

    But have you tried denying a gay a piece of pizza? Then you can start a go-fund-me page. It’s what Jesus would have wanted, or something!

  • JoeChristmas

    Well, confederate flags do go right next to assholes and dicks.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    I’m holding out for panties with adorable pink octopuseses on them.

    • Blank Ron

      Am I an awful person because I want to see adorable pink octopuseses with panties on them?

  • ♫He wants some panties, the kind with teeth…people should be beat up for stating their beliefs♫

    With apologies to TMBG

  • Notreelyhelping

    Hey! Wait a second!

  • fawkedifiknow

    It was a shitty flag anyway, what with only idiots too ignorant to know what it stands for, or racist assholes who know all too well what it stands for, being the only people who fly it.

    No wonder the Republican Party was too cowardly to denounce it. They are their people.

    • Solipsister

      You have to actually know something of history to realize you’re on the wrong side of it.

      • James Christopher Owen

        *Golf clap*

        Splendid riposte, sir.

        • Solipsister

          Surprised I was able to turn a coherent phrase. Been spewing facts and venom at clueless neoconfederate assholes all day. I need a cocktail. Or five.

          • eddi


  • My fellow patriots, kindly cast thine reverent gaze upon the Wonketterate flag, and join me now in a rousing rendition of The Battle Hymen of the Republic

    ♪♫ Mine thighs have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord… ♪♫

    • Vecciojohn

      The hits just keep on coming here at WNKT.

      • proudgrampa

        I get all my news, porn and music from Wonkette.

      • cousin itt

        And now a message from our sponsor:

        Hidee hi, there, friends and neighbors! This is your old pal, El Monte Slim, tellin’ ya’ll ta come on down here to Widetrack County in Wilmington. God damn, we got some outasight bargains here for ya in cars— and be sure to bring the kiddies, too, cause we got free pony rides and lollipops for all the little folks. Talk about suckers, look at this sucker over here! Yessirree Bob, that’s a ’58 Dodge pickup, white, of course. Gotchyer radio, gotchyer heater, gotcher overdrive, and it’s gotchyer Easy Rider rifle rack, yes sir, with room for not one, but thureee of your favorite rifles! Yes, sir! And be sure to ask for it by license plate number KKKU2, and for the first hundred of you mothers to c’mon down, we got a free America Love it or Leave It bumper sticker. So c’mon down and ask for El Monte Slim. And now back to our movie, The Jackson Five Story starring The Osmond Brothers.

    • handyhippie65

      of the people sick of the same ol’ shit.

  • Vecciojohn

    Has anyone for one welcomed our emasculating overlords yet?

    • Dimitrios M.

      Don’t wear Wonkette panties with teeth on a airplane, the TSA will give you a dentalfrisk.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      I, for one, welcome our vagina dentata overlords? Ouch, just typing that made me squeamish.

      • Mayor_Quimby

        If you’re doing it right, they don’t bite. Study up on technique!

  • Anarchy Pony

    I think I could pull off those panties with teeth, *nudge nudge wink wink

  • Noooooo! They can’t stop selling Confederate flag merchandise! What will I have to go with my Swastika earrings!?

    • Dimitrios M.

      Confederate flags on 1000 sheet rolls or toilet paper should still be available.

    • RevZafod

      Go to Indonesia, where they’re still accepted as tradition. Especially in Sanur, Bali, where the Swastika Bungalows and Swastika Restaurant are just a couple of blocks from the German Consulate. For US tourists with certain attitudes, you’ll find a lot of blonde European types staying at the Bungalows to make you feel right at home in a foreign land. But most swastikas there are the traditional ones. Going back there soon, and the restaurant on Jl. Danau Tamblingan has great food. Don’t let the nazis own it and screw it up for you.

  • Ryan Denniston

    So you can’t really put a Confederate Flag on those bad boys? Even for irony?

    • bargal20

      On the rear, perhaps? With a bit of squirming on a hot day, I think the wearer can add an extra bar.

  • Ryan Denniston

    I can make a skid mark if the underwear is provided…

  • Come here a minute

    Obama will never ban the blue and red thread — just the WHITEY!

  • Dimitrios M.

    If you wear the panties on your head, can you eat a sandwich with them — the teeth, I mean, not the panties?

  • cousin itt

    The League of the South, which is pushing for secession, is also planning a protest in Columbia this weekend, though it has not announced details. “I would like to see several thousand people,” said Pat Hines, head of the group’s South Carolina chapter. “Obviously, the politicians are rushing to get the law changed while everyone is excited about the deaths of these people,” Hines added, referring to the church massacre.

    Calling Dr. Freud, calling Dr. Freud. We have a Code Id in the Derp Ward, a Code Id in the Derp Ward.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Since song seems to be the call of the day …

    Git yourself in panties ‘a cotton
    Teeth on the crotch that you’ll sure be hot in
    Straight or gay
    It’ll pay
    You’ll get a lay
    Ain’t panties grand

    If yore wearin’ panties with teeth and lips
    Youll draw you lover right between your hips
    So don’t delay
    What the hey
    Act today
    Ain’t panties grand

    Oh I wish I was in panties …. And so on

    • Get cha panties laundered…
      Dry ’em in the sunshine!
      Wave them in the wind
      So they’re fresh when they go under

      Yeah, darlin’
      Be it briefs or boxers
      Take your junk in a love embrace
      Wash out all the sharts and odd stains
      Make a new clean space!

      Born to wear undies!
      Born to wear undies!

      (With apologies to Steppenwolf)

    • RevZafod

      Are these panties in a bunch? Asking for a female friend.

      • Ilgattomorte

        Yes they are. Very perceptive.

  • James Christopher Owen

    I have grim confidence that the ol’ invisible hand will soon tap a new supplier of hate merchandise on the shoulder. Who will doubtless become 2020’s biggest Republican kingmaker due to the competition deliberately exiting the business.

  • ryp

    You don’t sell confederate flag paraphernalia, but yet the pop up ad the filled my screen wasn’t for a Five Flags amusement park now was it!

    • eddi

      I got a ton of American flag clothes. That’s progress right there. ?

  • mosjef

    Be aware that anatomically correct 200% scale models of the female body showed vulvae displaying natural teeth in the vulvicular mouth, the purpose of which we can only speculate. Don’t forget to floss.

    • RevZafod

      Be specific, please. Floss with the hair, or to remove it?

  • BloviateMe

    Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina.

    • RevZafod

      Wow, I did not know that! I was told boys needed viagra and girls envied the peen. Thanks. Now after 74 years and four ex-wives, I see where I screwed up. I’ll start going to singles bars again, now that you’ve ‘splained it to me.

    • Dee Andee

      And it is NOT a tumor!

    • … GENERALLY speaking. Caitlyn Jenner and Buck Angel are famous counter-examples.

    • toughsister

      You found that out all by yourself?

  • lovelydestruction

    Those panties…that seam…no, thanks.

  • Metadude

    Camel toe ftw!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon


  • Everhope

    In terms of ranking things that we citizens hate, I see no reason to discriminate between the Confederate Flag and Donald, the only person on earth with an out of control Chia Pet for hair, Trump. Both represent the worst in our public lives.

    • toughsister

      Did you know that the chia pet on top of The Donald’s head has rabies?

      • Everhope

        Well, of course they do and I’m glad you reminded us because in John Stewart’s take down of the Donald on his show Stewart focused briefly on the spittle on the right corner of the Donald’s reptilian visage. And, as you pointed out, rabies on head-drooling by mouth. I’m glad for the head’s up, maybe we should all go out and get some kind of rabies vaccination. Wonder how the anti-vaxxers would take that?

        Just as an aside, I think the Donald is the absolute proof of the notion that some reptilian form slunk up out of the primordial ooze and began to live on dry, or at least, drier land. It is impossible to look at that face and not see some carnivorous reptile squinting out at us through those squinting slit eyes with its evolutionary malevolence held in tenuous check.

  • docterry6973

    2300%? A determined effort to show that the Right still hates black people regardless.

  • toughsister

    Panties with teeth are all fine and good, but Jesus thongs are a lot classier. Why don’t you offer any?

    • Blank Ron

      Waiting to get ’em autographed.

  • cleos_mom

    The problem with those panties is that all the wrong people see them.

  • Get in on Fury Road merchandising – get the rights to this:

  • Jeffronimo

    Well aren’t you just a group of politically correct morons and hypocrites? Were you too stupid to know this country was founded by ‘traitors’? I’ll bet you are! I am donating my rebel ass hairs for all of you to chew on!

Previous articleAmerica’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Explains How Barack Obama Got Those Blacks Shot In Charleston
Next articleNew Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Already President