Are we even remotely surprised that the oh-so-holy Family ValuesTM Duggars have been keeping a dirty secret about that time Josh Duggar repeatedly molested his sisters, and his parents knew and did not do a goddamned thing about it, except for (eventually) sending him off to sex rehab to learn about how his slutty sisters sinfully tempted him, so it’s not really his fault anyway? No. No, we are not.
Because it is a science FACT that people who refuse to shut the fuck up about Family ValuesTM are, by definition and the laws of schadenfreude, really bad at Family ValuesTM. Impeaching the president for boning some lady who is not his wife? Then you are undoubtedly boning some lady who is not your wife. Fighting to ban all the abortions? Then you have probably tried to coerce your mistress into having an abortion, which won’t stop you from continuing to try to ban all the abortions for everyone else. Pastoring your own megachurch and preaching about how The Gay is bad and sinful and DON’T DO THAT? Then you’re probably secretly doing that, high on meth, with gay hookers. Sobbing about the sanctity of P-in-V marriage? Then you are probably violating the sanctity of your P-in-V marriage by trying to get an undercover cop to suck your cock in an airport bathroom.
And if you are a professional spokesidiot for the hate group Family Research Council, and you and your garbage family go around warning about how The Gays and The Transgenders are going to sex crime your children, then you are definitely a Duggar. A dirty filthy criming harmful-to-children Duggar. And fuck you very much, right in your family values.
Now the very same people, several of whom are now running for president, who have held up the Duggar family as a picture-perfect example of family values — they don’t use contraception to abort their babies; they don’t smoochy-face out of wedlock and certainly not for non-procreative pleasure reasons, ewwww; they love American Jesus; they hate homos; they renounce all things government, including education; they’ve managed to turn their faith into a money-making scheme on TV, hooray for capitalism — would rather we forget that time they all thought we should strive to be just like the Duggars.
When he ran for president in 2012, Rick Santorum was happy to receive the enthusiastic endorsement and campaign appearances of the Duggar family. All the Duggars, even the littlest ones, who like him because he’s a “daddy” and also “sweater vests.” Has Santorum condemned his good friend Josh Duggar for SEXING HIS OWN SISTERS? Nah, Santorum’s too busy polishing his speech to announce that he’s officially running for president again — you know, for family values and The Children.
Mike Huckabee, who received the coveted Duggar endorsement when he ran for president in 2008, is the only politician who’s taken a break from values-preaching to address his close relationship with a child molester and his accomplice parents. And that, as we all know because of how it induced collective vomiting across America, was to point out that Josh diddling his kid sisters is old news, and Jesus has most assuredly forgiven him for that, so the rest of us should as well. MOVE ON, AMERICA.
Funny thing, because Republicans have claimed that one of the reasons Hillary Clinton is unfit to be president is her husband got a consensual blowjob from an adult, even more years ago than that time Josh Duggar repeatedly molested his sisters, and does America really want Bill Clinton’s out of control hormones all over the White House again? No, of course not. But no one is promising the Duggars won’t be sleeping over in the Lincoln bedroom, doing no-one-even-wants-to-imagine-what to the ever-growing quiverfull of Duggar children.
This is the same party of conservative family values that insists public schools should teach kids only whores have sex before marriage, yet they built a big shiny pedestal for unwed teen mom Bristol Palin, who somehow still got to keep her “family values” cred because she had that Didn’t Just Say No baby and then declared herself a born-again virgin.
This is the same party of conservative family values that both praises the “courage” of Hobby Lobby for denying healthcare to its employees — but also points to it as evidence that there is some imaginary war on faith and values, because Jesus said MEN should be the boss of all the vaginas — while conveniently ignoring that Hobby Lobby also invests its sacred money in the very abortion drugs to which it so sincerely objects.
Just last month, we learned that when Republican North Dakota state Rep. Randy Boehning isn’t busy opposing gay rights, he’s posting his dick pics on Grindr, proving yet again that no one spends that much time thinking about gay sex unless he wants some. It’s a safe bet that the nation’s loudest opponents of gay rights have dick pics floating around on gay hook-up sites; we just haven’t found them yet. And really, does anyone want to see how Bryan Fischer tries to score some hot homo lovin’? Ugh and no fucking way.
Josh Duggar and his sick, corrupt, valueless family aren’t the exception. They’re the rule. And while corporate sponsors of the suspended-for-now TLC show 19 Kids And Counting, like Walgreens and Payless, have the good sense to run as far and fast as possible from the tainted Duggar family, the Duggars’ biggest fans are standing by them (and even, Jesus Christ, blaming liberals for the Duggar sins!) or saying nothing at all, like it never happened, like they weren’t once perfectly happy to smile for the camera next to any one of a million Duggars.
All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again. Because this — the Duggar family and their criminal sickness — do represent Family ValuesTM in U.S. America. And that is a science fact. And that is the problem.