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TLC's latest offering of weird people to gawk at.

“If you are a strong woman, you can submit to your man.”

This potent message of female empowerment comes to us from Tara Furman, one of the stars of an exciting new TLC special rolling out this Sunday night. The network responsible for such radical re-interpretations of the American family as My Husband’s Not Gay and Sarah Palin’s Alaska stands ready to spice up your weekend with Submissive Wives’ Guide to Marriage.

In this sexploration of the modern lovescape, three couples seek harmony by making use of “one of the greatest gifts that God has given to a woman,” the power to hand all control to her man. And don’t think this biblically-mandated deference is limited to picking out family cars and paint colors: ladies should be ready to put on their “hoochie mama” best and fork over the sex when they’re not fetching snacks for the master of the house.

It’s all laid out in Tara’s recipe for a successfully submissive wife: “Her job description is to help her man, serve her man, submit to her man, and sleep with her man.”

wanna go upstairs
Tara shows us how it’s done.

If you’re thinking, “I’ve heard this thoroughly realistic and logical concept before,” you are of course right: Laura Doyle published The Surrendered Wife, presumably with her husband’s permission, back in 1999 to help us all find “intimacy, passion, and peace” by making a woman’s choice of husband the last thing she decides on her own. (And don’t fret, spinsters! Doyle’s follow-up, The Surrendered Single, will make you “confident, feminine, and dignified” enough to maneuver yourselves into the path of that domineering husband you’re seeking.)

Like My Husband’s Not Gay, TLC doesn’t just showcase people who’ve settled in to their novel interpretation of marriage dynamics. The not-gay Mormons had Tom, a single Long Beach missionary trying to find a lady to help smother his desire for men with enforced straightness, and the Guide to Marriage follows Mark and Kristin, who are attempting to save their faltering gender-equal union by promoting the husband to foreman of the marriage project.

From watching Kristin try to keep a straight face while ferrying a pan of tater tots to the table for her man, it’s easy to see why her mother-in-law thinks “she will not be able to continue this on a daily basis.”

anytime dear

With submission-evangelist Tara deployed as Kristin’s mentor, the husbands go golfing to give Tim a chance to school Mark on how to run his marriage like a man.

just two dudes
“For her to submit to you, you’ve gotta give her something to submit to.”

The Wonkette social science research desk confirms that marriages often operate in ways that appear bizarre and freaky to outsiders, so we’re willing to believe that there are couples who find their own form of happiness this way.  “I have a joyful home,” Tara says, “because I am a submissive wife.”

We still can’t shake the feeling, though, that it must take every ounce of the female strength Tara describes to not snap and clock her husband across the jaw with a cheerfully-fetched bowl of popcorn after a few days of this.

if this bowl could kill

You can enjoy the trailer, complete with TLC’s trademark jaunty incidental music, down below, and tune in tomorrow to see what happens when wives stop being polite and start being positively subservient.

You can follow Beth on Twitter.

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  • Anarchy Pony

    TLC keeps finding a way to lower the bar.

    • whatwhomever

      They will never rest on their laurels in that regard.

    • Jonathan Lawson

      The Lowest Common Denominator Channel…
      TLCDC

      • H0mer0

        I thought that’s what we are, if we were a channel…

  • memzilla

    CAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLYSON!!!

  • AnOuthouse

    Does he still have to cut the lawn and take out the garbage?

  • Lizzietish81

    TLC needs to change its name.

    I propose “The Why We Can’t Have Nice Things in America Anymore Channel”

    What do you think?

  • Helena Handbag

    The “learning” channel? Can they be sued for false advertising? The LOSER channel perhaps. We need to ask ourselves is our viewers learning?

    • dshwa

      If FOX can call itself “news…”

  • whatwhomever

    The Stepford Wives is a reality show now?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Spoiler:

      Who needs robots when you have women who just really, really want to be on TV.

  • sillyclucker

    This will be a helpful reminder of why I got divorced.

  • Poly_Ester

    Should be on the History Channel, not TLC.

    • Lizzietish81

      Needs more aliens.

      • riledupone

        It already has the zombies.

    • Helena Handbag

      Should be on TBN

    • JustPixelz

      Appropriate, since the History Channel doesn’t show any actual history any more.

    • kindness

      Not enough war in it for THC.

      Wow. Never connected The History Channel with THC before…….

      • Helena Handbag

        Well if you take enough THC it really doesn’t matter what channel you are watching, does it?

        • FlownOver

          QVC LIBEL!!!1!1!1

    • guppy06

      History Channel only deals with Nazis that are out of the closet.

  • AnOuthouse

    Golf? I have to play golf to get a sammich? But I don’t like golf.

    • Vecciojohn

      Hey, we don’t make the rules, all right? Now what’s your handicap?

      • bozilingus

        A Republican Congress. (I’ll leave quietly.)

        • bobbert

          Come back soon.

  • Jimbo2112

    Nothing wrong with a quickie.

    • sw19womble

      quickie divorce?

  • FauxAntocles

    I’m going to suggest this to Mrs. FA. This will be my final entry. It’s been an honor to snark with all of you.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Man what ever happend to trading spaces :/ I used to like this channel.
    Ah well, to each her own, if letting her man make all her decisions fo her is her decision, I ain’t gonna say she can’t. I shall however point and laugh when in 3 years he dumps her for an intern.

    • mfp

      …or she dumps him for the pool boy

      • sw19womble

        … or he dumps her for the pool boy

        • Helena Handbag

          It had to be said

        • guppy06

          A series of wacky hijinx will ensue, leading up to the season finale where everyone finds out they’ve both been sleeping with the pool boy.

          • mtn_philosoph

            And the lawyer who first suggested that they hire the pool boy makes out like a bandit.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Only if he says that she can, since he is making all the decisions

  • Ricky Gay

    they would both be happier if she were switch. They could call it Beswitched.

    • guppy06

      I’m thinking more “power bottom.”

  • willi0000000

    don’t they have clubs for people who want to be submissives?

    • bozilingus

      and whips and chains, so I have heard.

    • JustPixelz

      That’s what is says on Craigs List. Mixed in with the “Get killed by a stranger” ads.

      • guppy06

        That’s funny; the “submissive women” I find on Craigslist all seem to need me to send them money via Western Union…

        Why, I’d be worried if they didn’t have pictures. That’s how you can know they’re real people.

  • Helena Handbag

    I spend far too much time on the interwebs and reading library books (for free! Thanks, socialism!) to give any shits whatsoever about what’s on the idiot box. That, and being a wage slave, pretty much eats up my day.

    • willi0000000

      if you can’t get to the library, try Project Gutenberg.

      • sundaytrucker

        Steve Guttenberg?

    • schmannity

      Library cards. The EBT card for the mind, you dirty commie.

      • Helena Handbag

        Yep, and I’m takin’ all the crab legs. Also too, I prefer Dirty Commie Libtard if it’s all the same to you, Comrade.*winks*

        • Vecciojohn

          Just another taker. I’ll bet you use the roads my taxes paid for to travel on.

    • guppy06

      Does your library have My Little Pony on DVD?

  • Joshua Norton

    My Husband’s Not Gay

    Uh huh.

    • Helena Handbag

      He’s just a snappy dresser shut up

    • geoffalnutt

      Right. My gaydar went off so hard I fell on the floor and the room filled with thick, blue smoke.

  • schmannity

    Tater tots? ’50s food for ’50s marriages.

    • guppy06

      Too many of those and he won’t make it past his 50’s.

      How convenient

  • Joshua Norton

    What’s with Tara’s ponderous necklace? A little something from the QVC Rock Quarry collection? Or is it to make sure she stays under when she throws herself in the pool to end it all?

    • schmannity

      It’s from the Wilma Flintstone Collection.

      • Mary Sandoras

        I can’t express enough how awesome that is and not just because I was going to post it also, too.

        • schmannity

          Shucks.

        • Seriously. That deserves a big ol’ caveman upfisting.

    • anniegetyerfun

      It’s from Forever 21. I am ashamed to know that.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    This will really be popular in Saudi Arabia.

    • guppy06

      “You mean that, in America, I don’t have to keep driving my wife to the grocery store?”

  • Mary Sandoras

    My husband likes to know what I’ve got planned for my day when he goes to work. I tell him that I will be at home thinking of ways to please him. He laughs and so do I.

  • Fly

    Will this show be on comedy central or sci-fi.

    • sw19womble

      sci-fi is already showing re-runs of The Stepford Wives.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Here’s another kitten to make up for this shit. Don’t all say ahhhhhhhhh at the same time… :)

    • Donna Rail

      Ahhhhhh!

      • Vecciojohn

        . . . Ahhhhhhh!

    • janecita

      Ahhhhhh:-)

    • Sam Hain

      Ahhhhhh!
      Ahhhhhh!

      Ahhhhhh!

      Ahhhhhh!………….

      Ahhhhhh!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This crap makes me stabby.

    There. I said it.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ummm…..votey?…

  • JohnR

    Remember the Promise Keepers back in the 80s? Men were supposed to take back control of the household and take the checkbook away from the women. A friends older brother was a hot shot 6 figure sales exec. who caught on to this and gave 10s of thousands of $$ to the cause. It turned out the guy running the Promise Keepers was just pocketing the millions that the suckers were donating and the sales champ’s wife divorced the fuck out of him when he tried to put her in her place, the end.

    • mfp

      hotshot sales guy never realising of course, that it would have been better and cheaper in the short and long run, to have just given those $10K’s to his then-happy (presumably) not-yet-ex-wife

  • So, look: you’re a bottom. A bottom who likes to serve. We’ve all had the fantasy, maybe even lived it. But newsflash: your particular sexual kink, which works for you in your relationship, doesn’t define gender role performance for everyone else on the planet.

    • sw19womble

      someone needs to explain the difference between top/bottom and sadist/masochist… but god bless anyone who wants to live out the daddy/princess roleplaying thing 24/7.

      • H0mer0

        that reminds me of a Reagan joke:
        Q: why was Nancy always on top?
        A: because Ronnie only knew how to fuck up

      • guppy06

        24/7? Are you allowed to, like, occasionally tag out and let someone else work at it?

    • Dan Francis

      At least in the BDSM subculture, they understand (and enforce) consent. Consent is everything. These 1950’s throwbacks….not so much, it seems.

      • Blank Ron

        In these relationships, consent is assumed. Right up until the knife enters between his second and third ribs.

  • Helena Handbag

    What I wouldn’t give for a one-way time machine. I’d round up all these pining for the 50’s morans and load ’em into the machine. Adios, muthafuckers!

    • Mary Sandoras

      Now that’s a reality show I would like to watch.

    • Anarchy Pony

      As long as it’s an alternate timeline.

      • Helena Handbag

        Yeah, can’t leave open the possibility for them to do anything to fuck up the present, such as it is.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    She’s gonna snap. It’s not going to be pretty. Entertaining, but not pretty.

    • sw19womble

      Valium with a gin chaser at 3 in the afternoon. Just like the good old days, when life was simpler!

      • mfp

        dame peggington?….

      • Zippy

        mother’s little helper

        • Amy!

          She goes running for the shelter of her mother’s little helper …

          … mother’s little helper is seven inches long, sharpened on both sides, and blackened for better concealment.

  • Shalimar

    If you are a strong man, you can submit to your God by skipping church during hunting season, because priorities.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Does hunting count as work? Cuz if so, that’s a stoning.

      • Shalimar

        Good question. If you hunt to put food on the table for your family, then it is work. Stoning.

        If you hunt because you really enjoy killing living things, then it is leisure rather than work. No stoning, but you are going to Hell when you die for being a sadist.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Nah, their god hates animals.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I settle for a time machine to take ME back to when TLC was for actual learning, A&E and Bravo showed things like opera and ballet, History channel showed actual documentaries, not Hitler UFOs, and yeah, MTV had music.

    • sw19womble

      Did Fox News ever delivery actual news, or is that a stupid question?

      • Anarchy Pony

        Yes, but it was still biased as fuck. Fox news that is, not your question.

    • nmmagyar

      I didn’t even know The History Channel was A Thing until Vikings (starring a Calvin Klein underwear model, naturally) came on.

    • Sephia8

      I swear “The Learning Channel” has turned into “The Lord’s Channel”.
      “The History Channel” is like “The delusional religious paranoid idiot channel”.

      I’m glad I unplugged YEARS ago, because channels have been bought out by religious nuts and then bitch and moan about there being an Atheist Channel.

      • coozledad

        Imagine the response to The Polyandry Channel.

        • Sephia8

          I’m all for such a channel! :P

      • Toomush_Infer

        Hey, Mrs. Toomush convinced me to dump Direct TV, get an antenna, and hook up the computer to the big screen – saved $105/month and haven’t missed it in a year….

  • noen

    In episode two Kristin shows you submissive wives how to top from the bottom.

  • Vecciojohn

    Enslaving women isn’t as much fun when they volunteer for it.

    • noen

      That’s what the ball gag is for.

    • TheBidenator

      Yeah really, my brainin’ club doesn’t seem to be needed no more and no dragging by the hair, either. Why they’d have to go an ruin traditional woman abuse like Jesus intended?

    • guppy06

      This isn’t Gor! This isn’t Gor at all!

  • Helena Handbag

    It’s been my experience that most men like a spunky (sorry British persons) slightly domineering woman who gets out the silk scarves –or electrical cords or whatever is on hand–and pushes them around a bit, orders them to perform and generally takes the reigns. Or so I’ve heard.

    • Vecciojohn

      Tell us more of these experiences you speak of, O mysterious Sybil.

      • guppy06

        You know what she uses that tripod for, right?

    • TheBidenator

      I said it once in Aikido class and I’ll say it here: I love a woman who can kick my ass.

  • whatwhomever

    despite all the horrible right wing propaganda on TLC that masquerades as entertainment, we should all agree that “The Little Couple” is completely adorable.

    • Swampgas_Man

      Some of those “Little Women” on Lifetime are kinda hawt.

  • Land Shark

    Just ewwww. Quoth Mrs. Land Shark, “Submit THIS!”

  • geoffalnutt

    “…the modern lovescape.” Modern for 1953. Tater Tots have, it is noted, saved many a ‘circumstance’…as I’m sure we can all recall with near-fondness. In 1953, however, they didn’t have a Tater Tot. Hard to imagine how ‘the modern’ woman managed.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Invented in 1953, actually – although they didn’t hit the market for a few years.

  • “The Hissing of Summer Lawns”

    I find I’m starting to really miss ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’…

  • myexisinthetrunk

    I haven’t felt this queasy since I ate a bad oyster.

    • Your oyster wasn’t properly subservient?
      ~

      • sw19womble

        Bad oyster! Naughty oyster!

    • guppy06

      That’s why God hates shellfish!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I assume that the writers-in-all-but-name of this “reality” show will
    eventually all-but-script the succeeding episodes towards epic failures,
    screaming arguments and general mayhem until somebody gets pissed off
    and somebody else gets poisoned, shot and strangled. Shock, scandal and
    cancellation. Then it’s on to the next freak show. It’s the TLC formula.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “Shock, scandal and cancellation.” Add “castration” to that list and I’ll buy in.

  • Warpde

    “Her job description is to help her man, serve her man, submit to her man, and sleep with her man.”
    So when her man comes home from a hard day’s work with secretary Lisa all is good.
    Where can I get me one of those wifes?
    Strictly for edumucational purposes of course.

    • Fly

      Is it to much to ask for hookers and blow?

      • sw19womble

        Is $500 too much?

  • I remember when TLC showed things like James Burke’s Connections….

    • Warpde

      I will surrender ? amounts of monies to the Wonkette if anybody can come up with the expanded definition of the acromine TLC.
      The best I can do is The Lossers Channel without using Carlins 7 words.

      • Totally Lost Cause
        ~

      • Dee Andee

        Totally Lame Cocknockers

      • Fly

        the lernin chanel

      • sw19womble

        Titbiscuits Love Crapulence.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Terribly lame content.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        The Long Con

  • A proper Ferengi female should be naked. Sheesh.

  • Incoming Ham
    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Jeezus … even Don Draper would have nixed this shit.

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        This might have been the guy who proposed “from those wonderful folks that brought you Pearl Harbor”. And I bet you think I’m joking, don’t you…

  • JustPixelz

    If I thought conserva-tards looked at these submissive-wife families as another of the variety of forms families take, I’d say Bravo. But they undoubtedly see these families as the only proper form.

    • sw19womble

      ^^This^^

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      FundiCons aren’t really into “variety of forms” of much of anything. There’s the one gawd specified in the Bible, and that’s it. Ein volk,. ein Gott, ein Wifey…

      • guppy06

        ein hundert Konkubinen.

  • janecita

    Where the hell do they find these people? These are the same women that are totally fucked when their husbands die because they don’t even know how to write a check.

    • Val

      In this case they found them in North Carolina…figures.

  • JoyP

    Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick! I burned my bra in the 70’s for this crap to make a comback? WTF TLC?

    • Val

      I know, right. Makes me want to clock them upside the head with a 2×4!

    • Fly

      The loser channel.

  • beatbort

    Were Ma and Pa Duggar consultants for this program?
    When I see stuff like this described, I say a little prayer of thanks that I don’t watch television.

    • riledupone

      Ma and Pa Kettle would be more like it.

  • Dee Andee

    I have a friend who believes this shit. She’s also a really serious Catholic. She is the dutiful wife, but she also suffers a lot from the stress of biting her lip, and works really hard to hide her recent cutting sessions from everyone. If you need to make a wife be something other than herself in order for you to be happy, guys, then you don’t love her at all. Not one jot. Men who think this way are scum. Women who think this way don’t even know who the hell they really are. Fuck this noise.

    • Dan Francis

      Agreed. As for your friend, I sincerely hope she will find help. It disheartens me horribly to know people end up thinking so badly of themselves they’d resort to harm.

    • Sephia8

      I also see the extension of rape culture with this. If son’s and even daughters see mom being treated in such a way that sex is whenever the man wants it, they end up seeing women as sex object and the girls no longer value themselves more than property to be had by men!

      It’s disgusting and sets us back 100 years!

  • Me not sure

    Could you please put a flashing sammich icon on these so I’ll know that they are NSFW, not suitable for wife. She’s turning green and smashing things again. Where’s that drinky?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Where’s that drinky?”

      Just don’t ask her for it…

      • Me not sure

        I was going to give it to her.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          That, my friend, is a sign of an excellent marriage.

          • Me not sure

            I kid, but she is a true gem.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Sometimes I wish my husband were a little more dominant, but that’s because I am fucking lazy and don’t want to make decisions about stuff. JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT FOR DINNER, I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO BE CREATIVE.

    • sw19womble

      Ooh! Well, since you’re asking….how about a nice mushroom stir-fry with marinated tofu and vermicelli rice noodles?
      I can pop out to the store and get some green tea if you’re running low.

      • anniegetyerfun

        This I could work with.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Next time he refuses to contribute to idears for the dinner, tell him it is his turn to cook :)
      Mr. Baker is really really good now at coming up with meal ideas.

    • guppy06

      Half a pizza.

  • Gelsomino Pasqualino

    So TLC now means “Totally Laughable Content?” Then too, it could mean Totally Lamentable Content.” Either way, it is totally effed up.

  • anniegetyerfun

    Ad from Shop The Look for this article.

    • guppy06

      Does the wife know a good defense attorney for when Google comes calling?

  • Next up on TLC- The Beat of Love, an in-depth look at how families are brought together through domestic abuse.

  • Next up on TLC- The Beat of Love, an in-depth look at how families are brought together through domestic abuse.

  • VandeGraf

    Show this to a 21st Century woman and she’d go ballistic, or enter a treatment facility for depression. Depresses me.

    • Amy!

      Twenty-first century dom’nant man.

      (I don’t know any other lyrics from that song)

      • Blank Ron

        Nobody does.

        • Amy!

          I went and looked them up, and I can see why; it would take a pretty intense effort to memorize them.

          That said, I have a sneaking suspicion that the first verse is about Ben Carson.

  • cousin itt

    I recommend wrapping the corporate fuckers that fund soul destroying derp in Saran Wrap.

    Ok, with air holes. Maybe.

  • Val

    “Her job description is to help her man, serve her man, submit to her man, and sleep with her man.”

    If your role as a wife comes with this ‘job description’, you are not a wife you’re just a live-in prostitute.

  • This has to be a publicity stunt and not a real program. Although, I have said that about the last 12 TLC shows and have been wrong each time.

  • Zippy

    50 shades of meh…

    far be it from me to tell other people how to live their lives, but why the hell does TLC have to find every goofy, dysfunctional and outright weird little freakshow of a family and give them all their own TeeVee show?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Because that’s what people watch – hopefully thinking, “Thank God we’re not like that.”

      • Zippy

        sadly yes. We’ve become a nation of passive voyeurs who live vicariously through their TeeVee and social media and who achieve validation for their pathetic existence by watching these freak shows and saying “my life sucks, but at least I’m better than them”

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sort of like Wonket… er, never mind.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            That’s different. It’s in print, mostly.

          • H0mer0

            if the fu shits…..

          • Zippy

            except less snark and less buttsechs

    • Vecciojohn

      It’s “Le Diner de Cons” for a mass market.

      • sw19womble

        You mean, like the Hollywood remake? ;p

    • guppy06

      More importantly, how does TLC keep finding these folks outside of Florida?

  • Come here a minute

    “When they’re not fetching snacks…”

    So like, never.

  • kindness

    Submission can be fine as a sexual play but I have found that if a women doesn’t get her buttons stroked to her satisfaction at regular intervals in a relationship that that relationship pretty much dies. I mean, men that want a blow up doll for a sex partner buy one. Women are complicated beasts. Men are simpletons by comparison.

  • Zippy

    anyone remember the good old days when TLC actually aired educational shows? It’s been years, but once upon a time that L stood for learning and I actually enjoyed some of their programming. Now it resembles nothing more than some strange combination of a cut rate carnival geek show and the Circus Circus scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas- minus any entertainment value or redeeming qualities…

    • dshwa

      The change occurred when it stopped being run by NASA and was privatized.

      • Anarchy Pony

        The profit motive, always motivating the best in humanity.
        Pffft! I couldn’t say that with a straight face!

        • dshwa

          I wish the bible humpers who lurve the free market so much would pick up their bibles and read what it actually has to say about money.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Readin is hard. Creflow Dollar tells ’em all they need want to know.

      • Zippy

        the invisible handjob

    • chascates

      Heck, I’m old enough to remember when MTV and Country TV had music videos and A&E showed arts and hip entertainment.

      • Dee Andee

        Wasn’t A&E lovely? All that beautiful watchableness from the BBC… *sigh*

        • mailman27

          *Pssst* All the Hitler is over on the Military History channel these days. Every now and then.

        • mailman27

          *Pssst* All the Hitler is over on the Military History channel these days. Every now and then.

      • Zippy

        I used to love A&E, WTF happened?

    • Dan Francis

      Asking the same exact question, Zippy!

    • Enfant Terrible

      Along the same lines, Bravo used to be a fine arts channel. Shakespeare, symphony concerts, dance. I’ll never forget when they went on a King Lear tear and showed *3* movie adaptations, with Laurence Olivier and Paul Scofield, and Akira Kurosawa’s “Ran”. Unbelievably rich content. Now it’s Andy Cohen and Fake Housewives of Whereever. Ugh.

      • starfanglednut

        And the history channel wasn’t 24/7 nazis.

        • rachelmap

          That’s still better than Ancient Aliens* (except when they have an episode with Nazis also; that’s worse.)

          *Here in South Korea. IDK if History Channel USA shows that.

          • Blank Ron

            Sadly, yes. Over and over and over.

    • cousin itt

      Dial L for Lick.

    • guppy06

      “Why do we need public broadcasting? Surely the free market…”

    • Me not sure

      To quote Bruce Cockburn : “The trouble with normal is it always gets worse.”
      Cable TV proves it over and over again.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Beth Ethier is boss. Just saying.

  • Come here a minute

    … the Guide to Marriage follows Mark and Kristin, who are
    attempting to save their faltering gender-equal union by promoting the
    husband to foreman of the marriage project.

    I prefer it the other way, with my wife as foreperson. She delegates all the stuff that I’m good at, which it turns out, isn’t all that much!

  • Mavenmaven

    OBEY

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    These sad dolts will never know the pleasure of standing proudly by, while your wife tears someone a new one.

  • shastakoala

    I like these kinds of shows. They give me a perfectly acceptable reason to skip the wine glass and drink directly from the bottle. And tots go great with wine.

    • Enfant Terrible

      “Eva, stop bugging me, will you? You know, this is the way we eat in America. I got my meat, I got my potatoes, I got my vegetables, I got my dessert, and I don’t even have to wash the dishes.” — John Lurie on TV dinners in “Stranger Than Paradise”

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Snork, I just showed my hubby this article and he goes “Yeah, I am not even commenting on that except to say you were right when we ditched cable.”

    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  • OrdinaryJoe

    They make marriage sound like an advanced case of Stockholm Syndrome.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It isn’t? Well, hell, there goes 15 years of my life /muttergrumble/

      • Smibo

        23 years here, but now I’m confused; in the Stockholm Syndrome analogy, am I in the role of the terrorist, or the hostage? Because I Sooo want to play the “victim” card. Can I, please? I’ll trade a forty-minute foot massage and cunnilingus ’til you scream, for ONE measly victim card. Is that too much to ask?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I am pretty sure you can these days. It seems to be the in thing for the peole with all the power to claim they are really the victims here.
          Also, congrats on the 23 :) I am thinking 40 minute foot massages helped in that. Further thinkig that scream inducing cunnilingus did not hurt either.

          • Smibo

            Thanks Jen, and grats on 15 too :).

            Since we split “all the power” pretty much 50/50 here, I know I have zero basis for claiming victimhood status. Still, the perceived power of the “victim card” is pretty heady stuff. I want it!

            Also too, while I don’t claim that foot massages and c-ling are the glue that holds marriages together, I’m sure you are correct in observing that those things don’t hurt either. ;) All seriousness aside, I kinda think that the quality of any relationship is all about the attitude(s) of the persons involved. Just sayin’.

            Oh, and can I have my Victim Card now? Ah hell, never mind…

            Foot massage?

  • dshwa

    TLC: striving to remain the worlds best argument against privatization.

  • Cat L

    This is a joke, right?

    • cousin itt

      Yes.

  • cousin itt

    This reminds me of that other reality show from a few years ago about some miscreants wanting power over others, “The Bush Years.”

  • Tansy Geek

    L7 – Diet Pill – YouTube
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtuM0VcjEG8

  • chascates

    Shit, you know they’d give anything for submissive minorities, poor, and incarcerated.

  • Dan Francis

    Does anyone remember when TLC was “The Learning Channel”, when it aired shows that were actually intellectually stimulating?
    And does anyone remember that we’re in the 21st century, not the damned Puritannical age? See, Kids, women are not your submissive little house slaves and you can’t buy them for three goats and a cow any more. Women are human beings. I know, novel concept, innit?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If somebody announces the TINASC (the Totally Intellectual Nerdy Artistic Stuff Channel) it will all be about cross-dressing cops and breakaway Mormon cults within a year.

  • Thaumaturgist

    On information and belief, submissive wives are the prominent form south of the Mason-Dixon Line.

    • Enfant Terrible

      That’s the myth and then there’s the reality. I’ve known a lot of southern women who were take-no-prisoners when it comes to running the marriage.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Wouldn’t it be cheaper and slightly less creepy to just buy one of those RealDolls (saw the article on ’em in Vanity Fair), and come home to that?

    • Enfant Terrible

      How are you going to get yer sammichs made?

      • Kat Anyperson

        Simple- robot master chefs

        http://www.gizmag.com/robot-chef-automated-kitchen/36990/

        I’m sure someone will develop a Stepford Wife model at some point.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Do you love having sex with an object but miss the gentle touch a real woman brings to a sammidge? Now you can have both! It’s the new Real Doll Sammidge-Mistress Edition. Available in Brunette, Redhead, Blonde and Ethnic models. Sound incredible? Wait, there’s more! Order now and get Two Real Doll Sammidge-Mistresses for the price of one. But that’s not all. Bored with the standard Real Doll sex talk? During this promotional offer you will also, too receive the Subservience Voice Pak. Your doll will also sprout Bible verses about how inferior she is. Order now, while supplies last.

          • Blank Ron

            It’s four days later. I’m assuming they’re already sold out.

    • elpinche

      The conversation is way better with a RealDoll.

  • Fly

    My wife runs everything and wishes I would take charge. Not happening.

    • cousin itt

      Liebrul moocher.

      • Fly

        We have a traditional marriage, she doesn’t tell me how to run my career and I don’t tell her how to run my life.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba
    • Jared James

      Don’t even get me started with the hot wives thing.

      • guppy06

        Not to be confused with a hotwife?

        • Jared James

          Don’t know, and prefer not to think about the possibilities.

    • JESUS IS MY FLUFFER.
      ~

    • Ricky Gay

      I reckon this is the takeaway from all of that: “A few minutes into the clit-rubbing, my water broke.” I mean wow. Joy to the world, the lord is come!

  • elpinche

    Atheist, hot, and wearing a “Siouxsie and Banshees” tee right now (with erect nipples), my wife submits to no one. I submit to her like a little bad doggy on command, of course. I even have a t-shirt that says “I’m her Gimp.” We wouldn’t know how to start to communicate with these weak minded sea anemones.

    • JEinSJ

      Great, but maybe just a teensy bit TMI? It was the erect nipples part that seems a little too…too.

      • elpinche

        Too nipply? That maybe so. I get carried away.

        • anniegetyerfun

          I can never have TMI when it comes to nipples.

          • Politics_Nerd

            pic or it didn’t happen?

          • actor212

            Hear hear!

          • anniegetyerfun

            I was going to add that but figured it would net nothing.

          • bluejayray

            Fox “news” apparently is ascared of nipples. I couldn’t believe what they did to the loose nipples in the Picasso painting. What a joke. I notice that they left the butt unblurred though.

        • JEinSJ

          These things happen…

        • Me not sure

          Just consider yourself lucky. She sounds like a credit to her gender. You however…?

      • sw19womble

        Do you work at Fox News?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Are you secretly El Hefe of NOFX?

  • SFRealness

    If any of you have read the Thursday Next series by Jasper Fforde, there’s one point in the books where the stupidity surplus gets so bad that reality TV includes a show called “Samaritan Kidney Swap.” On “Samaritan Kidney Swap,” TV voters get to vote on which contestant gets a kidney from a matching donor.

    I think that TLC is *about* on that level now.

    • janecita

      I know, Jasper Fforde is a true visionary! He needs to hurry up with the next Thursday Next book though, it’s been a long wait.

  • elpinche

    With a slight change this could be a great ID channel show:

    “Submissive Wives’ Guide to MURDER”

    • RecreationalPilot

      First episode, How to obtain a $2.5M life insurance policy on your man.

      • Jayleia Green

        No, first is to make sure he has that already YEARS in advance, so you don’t have to go adding that 6 months before his untimely demise, and to carefully avoid doing anything with insurance, because that’s like the FIRST place they look

        …not that I’d know anything about that or anything…seriously, I know NOTHING about that kind of thing!

        • bluejayray

          Exactly–it looks a lot less like an accident if you do him in right after signing him up for that insurance policy. Not that I know anything about these things personally of course–I just watch a lot of Law and Order reruns and Columbo marathons…

  • Kat Anyperson

    This shit reminds me of those old black and white propaganda mini “features” that went before terrible movies. The only way said bullshit is remotely watchable, imo, is if the good folks at MST3K are riffing it.

    • cousin itt

      I like to think that Wonkette is MST3K applied to life in these here somewhat united states of a dead Italian cartographer.

      • Blank Ron

        Does that mean that Becks and Shy are Dr Forrester and Frank?

  • Callyson

    I haven’t checked in with TLC since they stopped airing What Not to Wear. Good to know I haven’t missed anything worth watching…

    • RecreationalPilot

      I stopped watching them when they became THE LECH CHANNEL.

      PornHub.com must have already been taken by that time.

  • Fartknocker

    Mrs. Fartknocker and I enjoy shooting guns, as do our two daughters. When I work at the fire station, sometimes the girls go to the range, and many times I will go with them on my days off. I have learned that they are very good markswomen so tomorrow night, I will be cooking dinner for the ladies and playing continuous reruns of the Puppy Bowl on teevee, and in the morning, I will hide the ammunition. Thanks for the warning Wonkette.

  • Manhattan123

    Didn’t TLC used to be like a boring fancy schmancy smart channel? What happened? When did that all change? Was it the midgets?

  • guppy06

    The funny thing is, I’ve know (more than?) my fair share of raging feminazis who were also subs.

    • Mike Stonewolf

      I know what you mean. Not sure how to feel about that, but that’s been my experience too.

    • janecita

      What the hell is a feminazi? Please, share your wisdom with me.

      • guppy06

        Any woman who doesn’t agree with me, obvs.

  • actor212

    I’m busy watching the game. Someone change the channel for me?

  • Alex Grey

    Mandatory ponies…

  • Toomush_Infer

    This begs the question: Is our TVs learning?….

    • Me not sure

      And the answer are, yes they isn’t.

  • JohnE_o

    All that bossing and foreman-ing sounds like a lot of work. Wouldn’t it be easier if I just told my wife to use her best judgement on things and get back with me if she needs her computer fixed or the ballast on the fluorescent lights replaced, or wants a partnered orgasm, and stuff like that?

  • Virginia Dreaming

    I am all for people being allowed to live the way they choose without interference. But wow, the thought of being married to someone isn’t able to just honestly tell me when I am wrong seems incredibly boring.

  • undercover epicurean

    Newton Minow must be rolling in his honorary Singaporean consulship.

  • Beowoof14

    I remember this channel when it was the learning channel and they used to show stuff that was interesting. Now it’s drivel for the mass of Americans, who seem to be more interested in laughing at people.

    • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

      Yeah – this is the channel that has that horror of a program that shows stupid brides-to-be picking out hideous crap-looking wedding gowns while dozens of her friends and family validate that all 500 pounds and HHHHHHHH cup size of them looks fabulous stuffed poorly into that strapless mermaid gown.

    • bluejayray

      It seems to be the trend. WE TV is pretty much the same–lots of obese and apparently unemployed and overly made up fat women sitting around posing and saying wiseass things, and occasionally standing up and trying to balance on their stilletto heels while crossing their arms. I really don’t get it.

  • Me not sure

    I envision a future cable channel devoted entirely to videos of people shoving their fists into a lump of spam and it will put Duck Dynasty, Honey Boo Boo, and the Kardashians out of business it will be so popular.

    • BearGHAZI

      Don’t be so hamfisted

      • Me not sure

        That ain’t ham!

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    What is with these people? If it’s not teh wimminz, it’s teh gheyz. And it’s not what they want, it’s what their Supreme Being wants. And everyone else is just WRONG, so there.

    • Alex Grey

      I’m pretty sure FSM doesn’t discriminate based on gender or sexual orientation.

      • Blank Ron

        How about wheat vs. spinach pasta?

        • Alex Grey

          I am certain FSM, is big enough to accept both wheat and spinach pastas… It comes with being tolerant, and omnipresent.

          • Blank Ron

            And tasty.

          • Alex Grey

            That to. But what kind of sauce is holy!?!? Should there be a marinara sect. vs. an Alfredo sect.?

          • Blank Ron

            Questions of great moment like this are why I regret not having taken any Comparative Religion courses in school. Or Home Ec.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Submissive wife? Around here, that comes under ‘role playing.’

    • Alex Grey

      I wish I had a wife who would keep me as a houseman and sex slave. But I guess that is just my liberal perversions showing through… (I can cook!)

      • Mintie

        Do you do windows?

        • Alex Grey

          Sure can but I’ll charge you a fiver.

          • Blank Ron

            It is not possible to go too far with Douglas Adams references.

          • Alex Grey

            He sure knew where his towel was.

  • nightmoth

    This would be fun to watch only if it involved cute costumes and live action porn: Roman and slave girl, tycoon and secretary, Batman and Robin. Hackneyed, but still entertaining.

  • bluejayray

    Gag me with a spork. I had thought that we would have evolved a little more than this by now. This must be a spin off from the christian dominance cult–they promote beating your wife regularly.

  • frambley1

    I wish my wife would let me comment here, but she won’t, so I can’t.

  • Alex Grey

    I wonder what Jeb thinks about this? If husbands have ultimate authority, the Terry Schiavo thing should never have been a thing, because her man was the decider.

    • phantomreader42

      What, you’re expecting consistency from a right-wing death cultist?

  • kfreed

    Hey ladies… real life Vickie Garrison, EX-submissive wife, can clue you in as to how fulfilling it is to be a doormat: “No Longer Quivering”: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/nolongerquivering/

    Good times.

    • Alex Grey

      Hey ladies, if any of you want a submissive houseman, who will cook for you, I am eligible. (Though I won’t become pregnant, sorry.)

      • kfreed

        Ooooh, you slut:) The whole point of this submission thing is to squirt out 12 – 20 homeschoolers for the Lord and if you’re not willing to do that, then away with you, harlot!

    • Oginikwe

      I remember when TLC was really “The Learning Channel” and not this backward, sensational drivel it is today.

      • kfreed

        I hear the History Channel has gone south, too… with all sorts of idiocy. I’m very glad to be getting up in years… I’m already out of patience with the batshit overkill. The youngsters, I’m afraid, are screwed.

        • Oginikwe

          Don’t sell “the youngsters” short. They know better than many of their elders what is going on in the world. Mainstream media would have you believe that they are disconnected and already cynical but they are not. They are watching closely and many are very involved in the issues they find compelling. And, contrary to what we are told, they read–a lot, and not just on the Internet and not just propaganda sites. Many of them follow real independent news sites and I assume that many “youngsters” are on this site. Here’s another case in point which was sent to me by “a youngster”: Hoard d’Oeuvres (# 24; 2014): http://www.thebaffler.com/salvos/hoard-doeuvres

          • kfreed

            We can hope. I observe too much to the contrarya and I take nothing for granted. I’m also seeing some of those independent news sites being taken in by hysterics fomented by the right. What I’m seeing is apathy on too many fronts.

          • kfreed

            We can hope. I observe too much to the contrarya and I take nothing for granted. I’m also seeing some of those independent news sites being taken in by hysterics fomented by the right. What I’m seeing is apathy on too many fronts.

          • kfreed

            P.S. In case you’re thinking I skipped over your link… the essay is entirely on the mark. In fact, I’ve written essays on the topic myself on just the topic of the commodification of the art market (and for the record, I despise Damien Hirst’s work and all it stands for). It’s almost like you went and read my profile (Artist for the Ethical Treatment of People) and tailored the link to suit my tastes:) Did you? What concerns me is not that the youth (or anyone else) fails to identify the nature of the plague, the problem lies in identifying the treatment. It looks to me like the patient will be dead by the end of next year, for if we continue to divide the left as as been the case since Obama took office, and thus ensure the election of one of the dangerous loons on the far right (such as Rand Paul – as Ralph Nader suggests), then: game over. I’m not sure the youngsters recognize what’s coming down the pike,as they appear to have no collective memory of times gone by: http://thepoliticalspectator.com/tag/ron-paul/

            …and are being duped by the very shysters whose ideology they oppose.

          • Oginikwe

            Ralph Nader does not endorse Rand Paul, but he agrees with some of his former positions on issues. Positions that Paul is now backtracking on.

            Truths and Falsehoods About Ralph Nader’s New Book:
            http://www.truth-out.org/opinion/item/25510-truths-and-falsehoods-about-ralph-naders-new-book

          • kfreed

            1) Truth-Out is one of the very non-perceptive alternative blogs to which I was referring.

            2) Ralph Nader is endorsing Rand Paul:

            “Ralph Nader Wants Liberals to Back Rand Paul. Don’t Do It”: http://theweek.com/articles/447342/ralph-nader-wants-liberals-back-rand-paul-dont

            3) Ralph Nader is behind that Left-Libertarian Alliance, in collusion with Tea Party loon Ron Paul (per Nader’s book and television appearances)

            4) Ralph Nader happens to be a lying sack:

            “Charles Koch Ralph Nader and Grover Norquist in Right Left Attack on Crony
            Capitalism”
            http://www.corporatecrimereporter.com/news/200/charles-koch-ralph-nader-grover-norquist-right-left-attack-crony-capitalism/#sthash.vcQlQwHN.dpuf

            5) The Kochs, Ron Paul, and Grover Norquist happen to BE consumate crony capitalists: http://www.alecexposed.org/wiki/ALEC_Exposed

            6) Ron Paul’s record in Congress (the very sort of corporatist/religious fundamentalist shysterism under discussion): http://dneiwert.blogspot.com/2007/11/ron-pauls-record-in-congress.html

            *Fair warning: this happens to be my area of research as it also happens to inform my art work. You see, when one does the sort of work I do, it is required that we back up our assumptions with evidence:) Lest I get any more “screedy”… I’ll stop there.

            Which is why I say: the youth is screwed. It’s your funeral.

          • kfreed

            Before I get back to my gardening: There is at least one perceptive journalist on the beat that I know of: “Found: Libertarians’ “Lying To Liberals” Guide Book”

            “This Saturday’s “StopWatching.Us”
            protest in Washington DC promises to be the Mother Of All
            StrangeBedfellowsPaloozas, the apotheosis of sentimental Boomer politics
            in which right-wingers hold hands with left-wingers in a righteous
            People’s Crusade against the government Death Star.”

            “In other words, if you’re one of the libertarian True Believers rather
            than one of the Galtian players, you’re probably not going to be much
            help to the movement—so bugger off. The Kochs’ REASON is directly
            appealing here to what it hopes is a smarter, “cynical” subset of its
            small, cash-rich libertarian movement—Randroids, snotty heirs, and
            various reactionary sociopaths who understand that the key to their
            success is conning the sheeple, and enjoying it.
            What follows is a catalogue of libertarian “tricks” tailored to various
            marks.”
            https://www.nsfwcorp.com/dispatch/lying-to-liberals/

            Yes indeed, that is exactly the case. keep reading Macduff. The piece is an education in right-wing skullf*chery:)

        • yaymccheeks

          Could this all be because more and more rational, educated adults are dispensing with their cable TV packages, and the remaining audience for these channels is therefore becoming increasingly, shall we say, Christofundapatriot?

  • Oginikwe

    Actually, I think she’s trying to kill him. Have you looked at how much saturated fat is in those tater tots? Ick.

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