With all of those people marching and looting and hip-hopping in the streets again, the National Rifle Association’s social media experts have teamed up with Still Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Cyber Tickle Fest For Insecure Neckbeards to tell America the HARD TRUTH about the rampant thuggery in Baltimore:
The National Rifle Association used riots in Baltimore to promote controversial “Stand Your Ground” self-defense laws by citing an article from conservative website Breitbart.com that claimed such laws “are an antidote for brazen in-your-face attacks on city streets.”
It’s a sound, logical argument in the same way that every man’s home is literally a castle — at least insofar as both are abandoned as soon as the wrong people come along with big enough guns. It is also, perhaps, a not-so-subtle reminder that Freddie Gray ought to have stood his ground — if only he’d been armed! — because Stand Your Ground laws are always applied equally to defendants of different races, insofar as “always” means “never.”
Thus Monday passed, and one of the nation’s most powerful lobbying groups remained one of the nation’s most powerful lobbying groups, because having cash means never having to say you’re sorry. That night, the NRA’s social media team and the leering, mustachioed uncles at Breitbart went to bed sleepy but content, knowing they’d done good work for the nation they so loudly proclaimed to love. The next day, they promised themselves — the next day would be even better.
And so it came to pass! Here’s Addicting Info with the story.
After the people of Baltimore erupted in protest over the death of a black man who had his back broken while in police custody, the NRA pounced on the siutation [sic] to promote guns as the very best safety blanket people can have. To illustrate the point, they cited a story written by conservative website Breitbart News that suggested a responsible gun owner had saved a journalist from a “mob of rioters.” […]
When a curious reader asked [reporter Justin] Fenton directly what had happened, the Baltimore Sun journalist explained that it was actually a group of gang members, not a gun-toting shop keeper, that had come to his rescue.
And then Justin Fenton responded that no, he hasn’t been all over the place with this story; he’s consistently been saying that a group of self-identified Crips was protecting him. Let’s take a quick look at Fenton’s Twitter feed from the day before to see if that’s true.
Aw nuts, AWR Hawkins, how did you miss that one? Your Twitter profile says you’re a “truth seeker” who is “opposed to ideologues,” so it’s pretty clear that this wasn’t a case of people seeing what they choose to see. Yr Wonket supposes that Justin Fenton probably hid that Tweet from the public, just like HILLARY CLINTON HID HER EMAILS ABOUT BENGHAZI, WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THAT, HUH?
Say, Wonketeers, it’s getting a bit chilly in here, let’s warm up by huddling next to this scorching hot take from AWR Hawkins’ own Twitter feed, the better to understand how the oppressed, pleated-khakis-wearing white men of America see every person of color in Baltimore right now.
Gallagher wasn’t this hacky.
And thus Tuesday came to a close, and despite all that had transpired, Breitbart continued to attract about a billion unique visitors a month. The NRA had also had a good Tuesday, proving once and for all that you can say literally anything you want and remain relevant in the national conversation, so long as you have $32 million lying around somewhere.
On the plus side, the Baltimore Sun has roundly debunked that bullshit about Freddie Gray already having a broken neck, so you’ve got to admit it’s getting better, a little better all the time…
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