BRB, having medals engraved for all of you

Here is some BREAKING news from Senate Republicans, and you know it is BREAKING because it says so, right there.

Screen Shot 2015-04-21 at 1.02.34 PM

What is this BREAKING news bipartisanship of which they speak? Let us watch their video, in which we will surely see evidence of Republicans bipartisanshipping with Democrats, in a BREAKING kind of way:

Did you see all the bipartisanship? No, we did not either. We watched the whole damned three-minute video, and we saw the opening clip from Fox News (drink); and then a bunch of Republicans complain about our tax system because taxes are bad; and then Rand Paul whines about Iranian leadership saying things on Twitter; and then some more Republicans say they are trying real hard to Get Things Done, like building the Keystone XL pipeline; and then another clip from Fox News (drink again), in which the world learns that Sen. Pat Roberts’s ringtone is “Let It Go”; and dot dot dot, that is the end of the video. Huh.

Maybe Republicans are already celebrating their singular victory of making a deal on Tuesday to finally hold a confirmation vote for attorney general nominee Loretta Lynch. Ya know, after refusing to do that since she was first nominated in November because “other priorities,” like refusing to do that.

The most recent other priority has been passing a human trafficking bill, which Democrats have said “nuh uh” to, so long as it expands the Hyde Amendment, to make government funding of abortion even more restricted than it already is, which is a lot because there are, like, eleventeen billionty bills and executive orders saying no government funding of abortion, so that’s pretty clear already, ACTUALLY.

So what is this awesome epic so bipartisan deal grown-up Republican grownups made so they can finally find the time to hold the vote on our new attorney general?

Under the deal announced Tuesday, the bill will create two funding streams. The first one flows from fines collected from sex traffickers, and would be used for survivor services excluding health care. This stream would not include Hyde Amendment restrictions. The second one would come from community health center funds that are already subject to the abortion limits.

The deal lets both parties walk away with a solid talking point: Democrats can celebrate that they prevented an expansion of Hyde, while Republicans can say they didn’t cave on restricting abortion funds.

That is one heckuva victory for Republicans — and bipartisanship! — isn’t it? Republicans gave Democrats exactly what they’ve been demanding on the human trafficking bill, which is to not use it to expand the Hyde Amendment, and Republicans will now stop being dicks for five seconds and allow the Senate to vote on Lynch, just like Democrats have been asking them to do all this time.

But yeah, sure. Bipartisanship. Excellent job, Republicans, we can see why you are so gosh darned proud of yourselves.


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  • chascates

    By bipartisan they mean members of both parties are in a race for campaign money.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Selling out is a good thing, I guess, if it happens on both sides of the aisle.

      • Blank Ron

        Equal distribution of wealth!

  • Msgr_Moment

    Bipartisanship? It sounds good in practice, but will it work in theory?

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I would say good job congress but it would be like praising
    a child for filling up its diaper.

    • schmannity

      Dirty Diaper Libulz!.

    • sillyclucker

      Who’s a big boy now? !!

    • Reddishrabbit

      Speaking of diapers, isn’t Vitter still in the senate?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Still in the Senate and talking about running for Governor. Louisiana could go from being run by a guy who looks like he should be wearing a diaper to one who actually wears one.

    • Biff52

      “Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”

      //Mark Twain

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    “Bipartisanship is breaking out on Capitol Hill thanks to the new Congress.”
    Take a little closer view of the photo. That’s an old Congress if ever I saw one.

    • Blank Ron

      Meet the new Congress
      Same as the old Congress

    • OctopiRage

      And only took them four months, but for them that’s like four working days, so progress?

  • JustPixelz

    The Republicans got a little bi-curious and went to first base.

  • Me not sure

    One would think that since Mitch McConnell is from a coal mining state and Loretta Lynch is a coal miner’s daughter that she would have gotten a vote sooner…. Wait, what?

  • MsAnthropesMr

    I blame the millennials for their “everybody gets a prize for showing up” mentality.

    • MrBlobfish

      I blame everyone but me.

      • Sheepshagger

        Have you considered national politics? You seem to have the X factor !

        • Weldon Thomas

          Or the O’Reilly factor also.

  • Lizzietish81

    One of my math teachers told us a story about a race between two new cars, one from the Soviet Union and the other from the US, I forget why it was like a new fuel or engine or whatever, to see which performed better. The US won, but the papers in the Soviet Union says “Soviet Car comes in Second! US Car Second to Last!”

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    Sen. Pat Roberts’s ringtone is “Let It Go”…

    Would have guessed more “Can’t Find My Way Home.”

  • schmannity

    Hooray! Underemployment solved, infrastructure rebuilt, tax code simplified, budget balanced. Who knew fines from sex traffickers was the lynchpin?

    • OctopiRage

      Well, the Catholic Church is loaded…

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    So, they want accolades and congratulations for finally doing their job?
    Where I work, we have to do “self-assessments” to give to our supervisors to assist them in preparing our annual employee evaluations. I hate doing these because I dislike tooting my own horn. But I bet these Republicans would have a field day.

    • Lizzietish81

      This year we got our raises before we did our self evaluations.

      Which means no one cared about them.

      So I declared myself Queen of Everything.

      • JustPixelz

        “Raises”? I had to look in the history books for that one.

        • Lizzietish81

          It wasn’t much to right home about trust me.

          • JustPixelz

            In 2009 my (former) employer laid people off, decreased some salaries and froze wages for others (like me). #ThanksDubya.

            By 2011 or 2012 things were better and they were bragging about their first billion dollar year. But still no raise.

            By 2014, they had further reduced staff and I had to do more and more. Still no raise. But my 401k was up. So I quit and got health insurance on the ACA exchange. #ThanksObama.

        • jmk

          I got a new job last summer…despite the CEO crowing about making a profit in 2014 in his speech during our holiday lunch, my “bonus” was a $40 Amazon gift card. I can only imagine how satisfying my “raise” will be.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            I’ll bet ONE of his bonuses was a $50,0000 BMW gift card.

          • jmk

            A lovely trip to China and a new Audi, actually.

            He and his wife (the cofounders) are so popular that we were wondering how to provide incentive payments to Chinese tour guides…or whether the government would take it seriously if we phoned in a tip that they were really in China to look for the Panchen Lama.

          • Biff52

            I’ve gotten more and larger raises since I retired.

          • OctopiRage

            Little blue pills?

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        “Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.”

      • Me not sure

        I second. I always thought self-evaluations were a little like masturbation.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          So you secretly like them?

      • MrBlobfish

        Our self-evals aren’t mandatory so you can guess how many were done.

      • Blank Ron

        Your Majesty! *bows*

      • BackDoorMan

        I expect you’re going to be hearing from Miz Lindsey Graham very shortly.

        • Lizzietish81

          I will cut a bitch.

    • JustPixelz

      In HR world, the self-assessment should agree with the supervisor’s assessment. Differences are a red flag to management that someone isn’t communicating with the other. HA HA HA. As if ….

      Anyway, I would top-rate myself for things I liked to do (e.g. coding) and down-rate myself for the stuff I hated (e.g. looks for sales opportunities). I thought that sent a message to management. Except, of course, no one ever reads that stuff.

      In my shop, raises were determined by a random number generator in Tokyo. It’s possible it was a room at my office made up to look like a random number generator in Tokyo. I can’t be sure about that.

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        I’m in the self-evaluations barrel right now. For some reason, “Remember last year when I talked about how pointless it was and how much of a challenge it was working for a bunch of idiots? Well, in the last year it’s gotten worse” isn’t going over well.

  • beatbort

    This is so beautiful and inspirational! My neighbor is a born-again Republican who hasn’t spoken to me in five years (his last words to me were, “You do not exist”). Do you think if I bring a human-trafficking bill over to his house, we might bury the hatchet?

    • sillyclucker

      I’d be afraid he might bury the hatchet in one of my body parts.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Yeah, careful what you wish for.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          Yeah, I might just wait another 20 years until ALL the chickens have come home to roost. Jeezus, sooner or later some of these people should be able to recognize the colossal failure that is Republicanism.

          • willi0000000

            nixon started the ball rolling (downhill) in 1969 . . . isn’t 46 years enough?

            [apparently not]

          • weejee

            The screw continues…

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Just as awesome is the bottom of the emergency exit telling people not to piss in front of the door.

          • Blank Ron

            You’d think so, wouldn’t you? And yet…

          • Hardly Ideal

            There are still people who think the Nazis and Confederates had it right. So unless you’ve got a Singularity in your pocket, we’ll probably just need to stick with shaming them into irrelevance.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Maybe you could litter a pile of human-trafficking bills on his front lawn overnight.

    • Spurning Beer

      Wow. A beatbort denialist.

      If you try to re-establish diplomatic relations, I’d insist your neighbor formally recognize your right to exist.

  • Wonkaholic

    Finally, Eric Holder will be able to ride off into the sunset. You’d think they actually liked the guy (even though he’s, you know, one of those), the way they delayed voting on his replacement.

    • jmk

      They’re clearly thinking hey – at least he’s a guy one of those.

      • Spurning Beer

        I hadn’t thought about how Barack was kinda gansta in nominating a black woman to replace Holder. If she didn’t get confirmed, he could nominate a black gay woman next, and a black gay atheist woman after that, and so on, until the Republicans said uncle.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          A black gay female muslin atheist socialist latina irish catholic environmentalist egghead elitist glasses-wearing crossdressing furry brony.

          I probably missed something, but meh.

  • cousin itt

    That’s it, is it? They learned how to shit in the toilet. Ducky.

    • deanbooth

      Now, if we could only teach them to flush!

  • Jon Sussex

    Don’t cross the streams. It would be bad.

  • chiefkurtz
    • topjob66t

      That and $5000.00 for a bullet.

  • Tallmutha

    Some people say we get the government we deserve. I say we get the government a Nazi skinhead MRA who kicks puppies and eats his own boogers deserves.

  • Barley_Brains

    Gee thanks Kaili! It’s only 7:30 and I already have a buzz (Fox News — DRINK AGAIN)!

    • Me not sure

      After a Billo bender one needs a little hair of the Doocey.

  • artem1s

    Republicans will now stop being dicks for five seconds and allow the Senate to vote on Lynch

    good luck with that. I predict it will take five seconds for them to find some other thing (repeal ACA, another Benghazi investigation, land a man on Mars) they need to do before they can get around to confirming Lynch.

    • JD Mulvey

      They’re drafting the Chipotle subpoenas right now.

  • MrBlobfish

    And then they marched around the Senate chamber singing “I am so great! I am so great!”. McConnell gave them all a juice box and then they took a nap. Hooray for everyone!

  • The Republicans are trying to make the bipartisan beast with two backs with Our President on the TPP.

    Paul Ryan (R-Kochs’ pocket) has been shilling for it relentlessly on the TV.

    Anyone need more proof of how shitty it is?

    • Sheepshagger

      Dem corporations need protectin boss! Theys so weak it’s like they might die in the cradle without the ability to sue sovereign states for policy decisions. I tells ya, as a pacific rim job denizen I feel like the poor wee buggers finally can sleep easy at night, and so can I.

    • There’s a lot to hate it about it, but I know a few people who make their entire living on the Internet who would get screwed if the copyright provisions, especially the one mutilating the concept of free use, are half as bad as activists say they will be. And it would definitely hurt a potentially profitable project I have in mind too. Fuck the TPP.

  • willi0000000

    pug bipartisanship is when the extreme far right wing of the party agrees with the extraordinarily far right wing.

    • weejee

      Dumb agrees with Dumber?

  • weejee

    Republicans will now stop being dicks

    Republicans will now stop being limp dicks.

    / fixed

  • diogenez

    Someone broke wind?

  • Ack Ack Ack

    Bipartisanship is where Republicans are vikings.

  • Respiteini

    To be fair, this is the most adult-like moment we’ve seen from that party in nearly a decade.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s adultiness!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Well, color me impressed with GOP progress on actually getting some work done.

    There, my impression lasted for as long as that sentence.

    • willi0000000

      i looked through my big box of 64 colors and couldn’t find “Impressed” . . . will “Flesh” do?

      • Spurning Beer

        Burnt umber, I’d say.

        • Rabbit_Rebozo

          We’re dealing with modern Republicans here, so I’d go for something in a baby-poop green.

    • Zippy

      I don’t do impressions

  • Spotts1701

    Yep, just brimming with optimism here.

  • Rick Hill

    Doesn’t gop bipartisanship mean the old guard came to an agreement with the teabagginlibertardians?
    They both agree that taxes on the wealthy need cut, services to the poor cut AND new restrictions on the poor using entitlements before they find a new way to restrict access to abortion. I love the smell of (republican) democracy in the morning…smells like…victory….and congressmen with felch on the corner of their lips.

  • Spurning Beer

    This whole bipartisan deal could have been sabotaged if Frank Luntz had announced that the “fines” were really a Perv Tax.

  • azeyote

    well on to repealing that soul snatching Obamacare again

  • If bipartisanship now means giving the GOP rhetorical victories while preventing them from actually changing anything, then I’m all for it.

  • Ambignostic

    The first one flows from fines collected from sex traffickers, and would be used for survivor services excluding health care.

    I’m having trouble unpacking all the shittiness in that sentence.
    First, this means there are enough sex traffickers that we can fund a program by fining them? :(
    Second, why “excluding health care?”

    • topjob66t

      It’s because of the Obama trauma drama syndrome. ACA is everywhere unless it isn’t.

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      Specifically, sex traffickers actually operating within the United States.

  • Enfant Terrible

    In Congress, when news breaks, it stays broken.

  • *phew* I’m relieved. By this point whenever anything along the lines of bipartisan progress is mentioned I think “Oh God, they got that objectively awful for everyone who isn’t super-rich Trans-Pacific Partnership thing through.”

  • Zippy

    They finally passed a Doc fix for Medicare, also too, so that’s like two whole bipartisan things in the last twenty years

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    Anybody remember when RushBo said that ‘bipartisanship means that they do what we want’?

    I have to paraphrase that because I can’t find a precise quote, but there is this similar one, which pretty much sums up the Republican/Teababy political philosophy:

    Bipartisanship only happens when one side gives in. That’s why we despise bipartisanship here at the Limbaugh Institute.

  • Paperless Tiger

    For Democrats, bipartisanship means a lot of hard work and compromise to craft legislation that both sides can support. For Republicans, it means they stop acting stupid for a minute.

  • Sam Hain

    Those REthugs are so cute, always doing the reach-around to pat themselves on the back.

  • Guest

    Let’s not withhold our approval. If the GOP got something done– anything, walking, talking, chewing ‘baccy– then let’s give them the accolades, well, maybe accolade (singular) they so justly deserve. After all, Obama has so utterly dominated them that they have not been able to do anything for quite a while.

  • whitroth

    Right, the Hyde amendment (and he was a real piece of work)…. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty: I DEMAND THE REPEAL OF THE HYDE AMENDMENT. I WANT some of my tax dollars going for abortions (and family planning, and birth control).

    And if the GOP says no, nasty, we can’t spend money that way, just because you want your tax dollars spent that way, because it violates what we believe… then the Vietnam War, and the first Gulf War, and the invasion and conquest of Iraq violate what *I* believe, and I want every goddamned tax dollar of mine that was spent for all of them *back*, with at least 5% interest (compounded daily).

    mark “but tell us what you *really* think….”

  • Celtic_Gnome

    So, how is this different from giving every elementary schooler a trophy just for showing up?

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