This classy writer obviously knows a classy guy when he sees one

Here is a thing we didn’t really expect to see in 2015: a mainstream press article (sorta mainstream, at least — isn’t exactly a niche website like “Marine Propulsion News,” whose newsletter we inexplicably got signed up for) with the completely unironic headline “How family values helped Donald Trump build his empire.” We saw that and wondered how exactly we could top its snarky winking tone. But no, this is a completely sincere paean to the values that made Donald Trump a great man, and “writer” Eric Schiffer is either a complete Trumpsucking boob or the best satirist since Paul Verhoeven (Starship Troopers was satire, right? Please?) We just can’t tell — it reads like Waylon Smithers writing a C. Montgomery Burns fanfic.

Note the subtle closing words of this lede:

Watching Donald Trump in action, whether as a prospective presidential candidate or on his show Celebrity Apprentice, can help anyone become a better leader. I know it’s helped me at my eight companies.

Why, yes, I too am a business super-genius, an author who is truly worthy of the person I am profiling. We had never heard of this Eric Schiffer person, but he has one hell of an IMDB profile for a guy who has had tiny, sometimes uncredited roles in all of four films and TV shows:

Eric Schiffer is an internationally famous celebrated leader and visionary. A Renaissance man in the truest sense of the word, Eric made his name achieving an unparalleled level of success across diverse fields. A best-selling author, a successful entrepreneur, and a mainstay in New York, London, and Los Angeles high society, Eric Schiffer has founded two companies listed on Inc. Magazine’s 500/5000 Fastest Growing Companies, and serves as a trusted advisor to multiple Fortune 500 CEOs, Presidents of Countries, foreign leaders, and Forbes 400 billionaires. He has been featured on the cover of the Saturday Evening Post and Entertainment Today; BusinessWeek named him alongside Richard Branson and Russell Simmons in their list of the Top Ten Entrepreneurs in the World; and he was prominently listed as a Top Bachelor in Cosmopolitan Magazine.

You know, an asshole. This, dear wonkers, is the man’s publicity photo:

Just look at how thin his phone and his stubblestache are!

Again, we cannot rule out the possibility that this is all performance art, like Andy Kaufman’s loathsome “Tony Clifton” alter-ego.

But enough about him. Let us learn more of the family values that made Donald Trump worthy of Eric Schiffer’s attention! The main thing to remember is that he involves his family, whichever one he has at the moment, in his business! And the family values that have made Trump a success include remembering that “It’s ultimately about winning” — did you know that Donald Trump is not burdened by false modesty? Also, it’s important to “Do it your own way,” according to Trump’s son Eric:

“If you ask 99 out of 100 people, they would all do it that way. He (The Donald) goes, `Why don’t you try this? … He says, `Just trust me. I’ve been around this block a couple of times,’ and he does the exact opposite of what a lot of people would do, and it’s turned out remarkably well.”

There is a part of us that’s perfectly willing to believe Trump has actually mandated that his own children refer to him as The Donald.

Also there are other blahblahblah “rules” about finding hidden competitive advantages and other bullshit you’d expect to find in a tongue bath of vague praise for the “insights” of America’s Greatest Dealmaker, who has only filed for bankruptcy four times (it’s an opportunity).

Honestly, we couldn’t finish the thing, because we were wondering when we’d get to the real Trump family values, like trading in the old blonde for a new one every 10 years or 100,000 miles, whichever comes first, or the importance of slathering your baby in caviar. And always remember, it’s fresh caviar for the child’s skin, rancid caviar for the customers at your restaurant. Also, threaten to sue people for making you look stupid by letting you be you.

Also, we’re definitely setting up a Google alert for this “Eric Schiffer” bird, because he sounds like one hell of a peach in his own right. Look at his twitter feed. JUST LOOK AT IT!
schiffer tweet

When Donald Trump is sworn in as president, expect The Eric to be appointed Secretary of the Sycophancy.


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  • memzilla

    Borgia Family Values.

  • cousin itt

    Eric, there’s still some on your chin. And head. And eyelids.

    • memzilla

      It’s… hair gel.

  • Nounverb911

    I didn’t think anyone could have a more punchable face than Trump until I saw Shifters face.

    • memzilla

      It takes a special kind of talent to make a $2000 suit look like a duffel bag.

      • geoffalnutt

        That’s pronounced “doo-FLAY”.

    • PubOption

      Why would anyone want to impersonate Criss Angel?

  • Lizzietish81

    So this is what Jon Stamos has been doing with himself.

    • Zippy

      comcast already had their has-been for the commercials

    • LIT_Fag

      Looks like Adam Lambert got Stamos and Criss Angel to do a 3 way, and somehow procreated.

  • Lizzietish81

    btw guys, some poor bastard from Breitbart wandered into the MI Mechanic article. Make him welcome.

    • dshwa

      I got enough playtime in with BB yesterday. But I might watch.

      • Lizzietish81

        He fizzled out quickly.

        • dshwa

          Well that’s no fun. What kind of troll runs away with their fee-fees hurt on the first blasting? And not even a lawsuit threat first.

          • Blank Ron

            Trolls were a lot tougher in my day. *spits in corner*

  • whatwhomever

    If Donald Dump became president (HAHAHHAHAHAHHA!) I imagine all cabinet posts would be retitled “Secretary of the Sycophancy”.

  • RumAddled

    So many punchable faces in one article!

  • Tom Wilder

    “I don’t always kiss ass, but when I do I pick the biggest ass to kiss.”
    Eric Schiffer

    • Vecciojohn

      Stay obsequious, my friends.

  • diogenez

    Do we have a birth certificate for that thing on Trump’s head?

    • Zippy

      don’t be making fun of his family

      • diogenez

        Don’t make fun! Surely you jest.

    • JohnBull

      The long/yooge version

    • shastakoala

      Maybe a pedigree.

  • Great. Now I have to go fetch a rag to wipe all of this grease off of my monitor

  • Me not sure

    There used to be a company called Trump that made appliances to wear if you had a rupture.
    One of those devices will be president before this guy.

    • Me not sure

      It was called a truss and it looked like this.

      • Treg Brown

        Please tell me that’s an air hole in the middle of the pouch, and not an escape hatch.

        • Me not sure

          Who would know? Might double as a chastity belt.

  • “….the real Trump family values, like trading in the old blonde for a new one every 10 years or 100,000 miles, ….” 4 inches at a time don’t you know.

  • Well, technically, family values did make him wealthy. His father and grandfather were valuable and left the money to him!

    By the way, isn’t it about time he headed back to Eastern Europe and picked out a new wife? I think we’re getting near the trade-in date on the current one.

    • Blank Ron

      You gotta offload ’em before the transmission goes. Otherwise maintenance costs go through the roof and there goes your investment.

  • Vecciojohn

    Now swallow, damnit!

  • mrFawkes

    …we cannot rule out the possibility that this is all performance art, like Andy Kaufman’s loathsome “Tony Clifton” alter-ego.

    If Eric Schifforbrains becomes a busboy in a NYC diner, then I’m okay with that. But, he still has the most punchable, pokeable. pummelable and laughable face evah.

  • smashedinhat

    C’mon, that publicity photo of Eric Schiffer is a stock photo of a douchebag, right?

    • Zippy

      it is now

      • Msgr_Moment

        Wait for it in the next GOP candidate advert….

  • Wonkaholic

    I’ve been waiting for the Slimy Rob Lowe commercial to drop. I just never expected it to show up on the Wonkette first.

  • Vecciojohn

    Not since Mr. Collins met Lady Catherine de Bourgh have a pair of lips and an asshole had such a happy meeting.

  • Zippy

    Forget it, Eric.No matter how often you fellate him he’s not going to comp you at Trump Towers- teh Donald is kind of cheap that way

  • Dudleydidwrong

    Those two bastards certainly deserve each other, and the Republicans deserve both of them. The rest of us? No way. Turn ’em both into ferret food in memory of the ferrets who died giving their pelts for Trump’s hair piece.

  • CalvinianChoice

    Isn’t that the CEO of Reynholm industries?

    • doktorzoom

      Holy shit, the resemblance is uncanny. Particularly in attitude.

      • CalvinianChoice

        And dress.

  • chicken thief

    If that photo was by Jonathon with an O Jonathon, Aaron is going to have a hissy fit.

  • chicken thief

    Who skewered Schiffer?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Please tell me this Eric Schiffer is a joke, right? I mean, not even Smoove B seems as obvious a parody.

  • b-rar

    it’s C. Montgomery Burns. ugh, you libruls don’t even fact check your simpsons references

    • doktorzoom

      Um, congratulations, you passed my clever little test!

      Yeah, I’ll fix that right away, sir.

      • willi0000000

        that will be all, Smithers.

  • Lot_49

    “Eric Schiffer has founded two companies listed on Inc. Magazine’s 500/5000 Fastest Growing Companies…”

    Yes, my little company was on that/those lists once, and that list and its accompanying never-read-by-anyone magazine are purely a racket to get you, distinguished honoree, to buy tickets to conference they hold where you can hob-nob with other suckers dumb enough to pay to go there. So I can attest from personal experience that that part of Eric Schiffer’s résumé, while possibly true, means nothing whatsoever.

    All the rest of it, though, is at least as convincing as Trump’s combover.

  • chicken thief

    I was trying to figure out what Eric’s hair reminded me of, then it hit me: my grandma’s Lhasa Apso after he got out of the pool.

  • JMPesq

    Family values are responsible for Donald Trump’s empire, since he got it when daddy gave it to him when he retired.

  • bumfug

    There must be some mistake! How could someone as internationally renowned as Eric Schiffer be completely ignored by Wikipedia? That a man of his accomplishments is treated as though nobody gives a fuck about him is an outrage!

    • anniegetyerfun

      I am assuming that his self-authored page has been removed from Wikipedia more than once.

      • bumfug

        They’re obviously better at spotting that shit than IMDb.

  • TrufflePig58

    Eric Schiffer brags about his membership in Mensa on the front page of his personal web site. That tells you all you need to know about Eric Schiffer

  • BearGHAZI

    Not as hot as Christian Bale in the same role

  • MrBlobfish

    Douchebag interviews Asshole.

  • shastakoala

    Not only is he a great admirer of the Donald but he is also the highly regarded Concierge at the Trump owned Mar-a-Lago Club Palm Beach.

  • TrufflePig58

    Here’s the amazon page for his #1 business best seller that revolutionized fuck-i-don’t-know. Weighing in at a healthy 118 pages, one of the top negative reviews says: “I find it hard to believe all the glowing reviews of this book and can only assume these reviews are written by friends of the author. I needed a good reference for this topic and followed the recommendations and I was extremely disappointed. This is a shallow book that does nothing for the true student of this topic. I believe that the author wants to become a celebrity more than help ordinary people he professes to help. I also wondered if this book is self-published”. He also fails to mention any details at all of any of the multiple business successes other than to say they exist. The one firm he does list, Patriarch Equity, is apparently part of this cluster-fuck

    Perfect guy to endorse the Donald.

    • Guest

      I was just going to post that but have nothing to add except that his author bio states that he is, yes, a member of Mensa.

      • Wombat

        Of course he is.

        Please see Wombat’s Theory of MENSA Mentioning

        • My experience over the years has been that anytime someone mentions they’re a member of Mensa, they’re about to say something incredibly stupid in their next sentence.

  • spends2much

    That AMAZING IMDb profile was written by one DRU ANDER, which is an acronym for “I’m Writing My own IMDb Profile”, if you change a bunch of the letters.

  • anniegetyerfun

    I vowed I would never spend money on anything featuring the Trump name, but Invanka does make one hell of a patent leather pump.

    • spends2much

      Yeah, not gonna lie, when shopping, I’ve seen some stuff that I thought “Ooh, that’s pretty!”, then noticed Ivanka’s name on it, and put it back. Just can’t give that clan of morons one cent of my money, even for a cute shoe.

  • Metadude

    All I’m wondering is: Did he let The Donald cum in his mouth?

  • ahughes798

    You’d think, being that he is one wealthy felcher(Schiffer), he could afford a bottle of Suave shampoo, and a tailor for that striped bag he is wearing.

  • georgiaburning

    If Trump gets elected, will Melania be called the First Lady or the Third Lady? Although in either case I’ll be too busy setting up shop in Canada for it to matter.

    • Blank Ron

      We’ll keep a spot open for you.

    • sillyclucker

      I thought her name was Melanoma.

  • bumfug

    So I guess, “Donald Trump is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life” would have been just too obvious.

    • Enfant Terrible

      He’s Raymond Shaw’s nephew! Didn’t know that, did you?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    That pic of Eric Schiffer is one of the most frightening things I’ve ever seen.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Pffft. Trump is so deeply in debt that I’d bet my net worth is more than his.

  • Callyson

    This, dear wonkers, is the man’s publicity photo

    I did not know that Bret Michaels dyed his hair black. Thanks for the update!

  • Callyson

    “There has been a major shift for women and for men where technology enables us to not have to live a compartmentalized life,” said Trump’s daughter Ivanka, executive vice president of development and acquisitions.

    “It used to be when my mother was at work, she was at work, and when she was at home, she was home, and there wasn’t tremendous overlap between the two functions. That doesn’t exist anymore. I’m at home playing with my kids and then jumping into the other room to take a conference call at 8 o’clock at night. I’m in the office and I’m calling in to check on my kids as they’re leaving school or arriving at school. There’s this continuity that didn’t exist before, and technology has enabled it to be really one life rather than a siloed experience of the working woman and what she looks like in the office versus the woman who’s staying at home with her children. Now it’s all blended.”

    Um, er…does Ivanka think phones did not exist when she was a kid?

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    You know who ELSE was “an internationally celebrated famous leader and visionary” – also with badly combed straight black hair and a goofy little mustache …

    • Spurning Beer

      Yoko Ono?

    • Wombat

      Hang on, it’ll come to me. It’s right on the tip of my tongue.

    • richardgrabman

      Frida Kahlo?

  • crowTrobot

    Oh my God! There’s a tiny person trapped inside this thing!”

    • Mr Corrections

      I do not think I’ve ever seen a more artificial-looking human being.

      Are we 100% sure that isn’t a wax dummy?

      • Blank Ron

        I’ve been trying to figure out if he’s had plastic surgery using actual plastic.

        • riledupone

          The Plastinated Pundit?

    • leemoder

      Avoid looking into those dead, dead eyes.

      • Mr Corrections

        When he comes at ya, doesn’t seem to be livin’. Until he bites ya and those black eyes roll over white.

    • 3FingerPete

      “Tell Kim I’ll be right there, Kanye, but first I’ve got the King of France on the phone asking for some advice.”

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Besides accepting The Donald’s business advice, I see that Eric also listens to Trump for hair styling tips.

    I assume that boils down to: Wear your hair as stupidly as possible. Chicks love that.

    • Treg Brown

      Thank you.
      THAT’S the word I was looking. BOILED! His hair looks like its been boiled and draped onto his skull.

    • Wear a ferret on your head. – fixed

  • Not So Much

    Greezy, with a faint aroma of stale Axe covering B.O. earned from years of Atomic Wedgies in his youth.

  • beatbort

    By family values, he means the “value” of his “family name” at birth was high enough that he would never have to actually work for a living. Instead, he could just blow through several fortunes, file for Chapter 11 but keep his family wealth separate. That’s how family values works.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    “…alongside Richard Branson and Russell Simmons…”

    Sorry, should have been “…alongside Richard Simmons and Russell Brand…”

  • Poly_Ester

    Never-was’s can write their own copy at IMdb. I learned this when a friend suggested I read the what she had written about her actor daughter on IMdb.

    • ThatDale

      Wait, we can??


    • Mr Corrections

      Spots on the (50 Hottest/Top/Whatever) Bachelor lists can typically also be bought (one of my friends was a TV actor who wound up on one of those lists, and it turned out that his agent had basically paid for it to happen). There’s a common theme here, in that the “500/5000 Fastest Growing Companies” listings are also things that you purchase.

      • Blank Ron

        ‘I made $5 last year. This year I made $25. That’s 500% growth, baby!’
        (Yes, I know it’s actually 400%. Kinda the point. Well, the other point.)

  • chascates

    @Eric Schiffer sounds like the poor person’s @Tony Robbins. And @The Donald is the rich person’s @Harold Stassen.

  • Guest

    Don Trump thinks family values is saying No, thank you, when the barber asks, Get those eyebrows for you?

  • ThatDale

    Holy shit! Even I, as a straight white male, am forced to admit that guy is a sleazeball of the first degree. And not at all attractive, either in part or the ungodly whole.

  • Actually, I don’t think you’re giving Schiffer credit for journalistic accuracy. The Donald (said in the best Huey, Louey and Dooey voice) does indeed zig when everyone else would zag. Such as when most people would run a profitable company, the Donster goes bankrupt. 4 times. A gosh darn visionary, taking that road less traveled…

    • mrpuma2u

      Is that an even one to one ratio in wives/bankruptcies? If so get me the .wav file of Dick Vitale bellowing “Serendipity baby!!!”

  • LoveSW_Prequels

    Is there anything more douchey than talking on your cellphone in a publicity shot

    • Wombat

      Everything else about that shot?

    • leemoder

      Talking on your cellphone with THAT haircut.

  • Manhattan123

    How many girls remember that face as the last thing they see just before the roofies kick in and she wakes up later in the bathroom of some Soho club with the smell of Schiffer on her.

    • Are you certain he is on team het? He seems all oiled up and ready to go. Not that I am accusing you gays of wanting him. Just sayin’.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The Saturday Evening Post? For real? Someone still alive has been on the cover of that thing?

    Oh, well. He’s “a Renaissance man in the truest sense of the word,” so I guess that means he can time-travel.

    • Incoming Ham

      …and make gold out of bile and goats testicles.

  • Sam Hain

    “Dude looks like a lady” or at least wears as much makeup.

  • Relativicus

    Sure beats Obama’s Secretary of Sycophancy, John Hinderaker. I don’t think that guy understands his role. At. All.

  • leemoder

    …And above all, make sure yer Old Man leaves you $300million before he kicks. That’s YOOOGE!

  • AKLynne

    Wow, would you buy a used car from that man? (Either one of them actually)

  • Mr Corrections

    OK I just did a GIS for his name, and I am now about to Win this Thread:

    Yes – you too could have this as your desktop background!

    • Mr Corrections

      I cannot recommend doing a GIS highly enough – everything on there is gold.

    • sillyclucker

      Holy mother crunking Jesus! I wish I hadn’t seen that. He looks like a corpse. An artificially tanned, inbred corpse.

      • Mr Corrections

        with sexily unbuttoned corpse jeans

    • Anarchy Pony

      he looks like he’s made of plastic…

    • Incoming Ham

      Jeebus. I may never go to sleep again. Thanks.

      • Mr Corrections

        That’s not even the worst photo I found.

        Don’t… don’t make me prove that.

    • Cowpocalypse_Now

      Are those botox lips? He might be for realz.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Botox is for wrinkles. Juvederm is for lips.

        • Mr Corrections

          How do you explain the rest of his so-called face?

          • Cuberly

            Photoshop. Lots and lots of Photoshop.

          • Mr Corrections

            Poor photoshopping might indeed explain how every single bodily proportion seems to be slightly off in that picture

          • Mr Corrections

            It might also explain the fact that his arm hair looks like it was drawn on.

          • Cuberly

            When i saw the pic the first thought I had was. Oh, cool he had a stint on Star Trek…..but I don’t remember which alien character that was…..hmmmm…

    • riledupone

      It looks like a screengrab from a video game. It’s The SIMS Reporters Edition.

    • Incoming Ham

      He needs to lay off the highlighter.

    • Mr Corrections

      my girlfriend just contributed this upon seeing this photo: “it looks like he has no penis”.

    • kfreed
    • He looks more like an avatar on second life.

  • Incoming Ham

    Mark my words, there will be Hell toupée for this!

    • Cowpocalypse_Now


  • 3FingerPete

    From what I can tell Schiffer’s flagship business, Patriarch Equity, has almost no online footprint and has just one employee…himself. However, the folks at Newsmax TV sure seem to like him.

    • Mr Corrections

      I did find a mention of him on a site called “ripoff report” – you may be surprised to find out that his business dealings sound pretty shady.

    • Incoming Ham

      Jeebus. Max Headroom

  • motmelere

    That publicity photo instantly evoked the memory of Roman Craig telling is wife to “Can it, honey, I’m on the phone”

  • kfreed

    Trump’s sidekick is an evil elf? Schiffer should refrain from taking hair advice from The Donald Dork and probably should demand a refund on that publicity photo or does the man actually have YELLOW eyes?

    • Mr Corrections

      technically that colour is known as “michael jackson thriller non-prescription contact lens number 6 rohypnol amber”

      it’s… it’s not a big seller.

  • Froggage

    Eric Schiffer looks like the bastard offspring of Criss Angel and Tony Robbins, which means we don’t pay attention to anything he says or writes.

  • Is Trumpity Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump’s campaign slogan?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    “Donald Trump in action can help anyone become a better leader. I know
    it’s helped me at my eight companies.” (- one of the douchiest sentences ever.)

    Why do people love him?” writes Batley at one point in the unpublished piece. “I have my own list of reasons, starting with his authentic style, but perhaps he was able to put it best.”

    I’m sensing a trend here on who The Donald allows to interview him. Set ass kissing on “suck.”

  • Spalding

    I Protest, that suit is pure poison and the hair and the soul patch… he looks like the creepy cousin at a wedding. A suit like that demands a NSFW warning, W being WORLD.

    • 3FingerPete

      A suit like that demands a Baltic accent.

  • Paperless Tiger

    He may be a Renaissance man, but evidently he still uses a Medieval stylist.

  • doalright

    How did Wonkette miss that Eric Schiffer is on his LinkedIn listed as the CEO of a company called “Patriarch Private Equity”. C’mon guys keep your eye on the ball.

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