Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo).
Lytell was pretty jazzed about all the great publicity the church got last month when a 9-year-old boy — a pre-man, if you will — found a loaded gun in the church’s bathroom and brought it home with him, because of all the exposure the news story gave to the church’s “Male Leadership” sign.
And that’s going to go out throughout the whole county. Do you know what we’d have had to pay to do something like that? That was probably a hundred thousand dollar gift.
Maybe, we dunno — we’re pretty sure you have to pretend to be oppressed first before anyone will give you a hunnert thousand bucks these days. But maybe! In any case, Lytell would prefer that male parishioners please not leave their guns in the bathrooms any more, if only to avoid overexposure of the brand. Also, too, Male Leadership is the Best Leadership — and really, the only leadership, going right back to Adam, the Real Guy who lived about 6000 years ago when the Earth was made out of God’s Own Duplo Blocks, and woman was made out of either dust or Adam’s rib, both of which happened:
Don’t you be ashamed you go to a church with male leadership. Every church that’s right with God oughta have a sign: “Male Leadership.” Because that’s the only kind of leadership, both from Adam all the way to the last part of the Bible. It’s all been male. This is a man’s world! And all the men said… [pause, then manly voices say “Amen!”]
There aren’t many places were men can ever rejoice anymore without feeling about half-ashamed because they try to put you down or sue you or something, but brother this is a man’s world. You can say what you want, you can do what you want, but God made Adam in leadership and it’s going to end with a man in leadership. It doesn’t make men better, it’s just God’s way!
Look, ladies, this is a simple matter of history and reality, so don’t you go putting on pants or thinking you can run things, or suing for “discrimination,” because as we all know from the Bible, you need a man to tell you how things work.
And no matter how hard you wish it, you will never ever be able to strap Rev. Lytell into a time machine and tell him to give Elizabeth I a good talking-to about how she upset the natural order. We know this will never happen because there are no 16th-Century woodcuts depicting a man with a 1962 Mission Control buzzcut having his head lopped off at the Tower of London.