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Pull my finger, for Jesus

Televangelist conman-for-Jesus crazy mofo Pat Robertson has scammed a lot of money over the years by offering “the Lord’s” pro-tips on his teevee show, the 700 Club. We could devote 29 hours a day to watching him and trying to make jokes for you about what a crazy mofo that crazy mofo really is. However, we don’t have that kind of time, nor have we enough spoons with which to stab ourselves in the ear, so we limit ourselves (and you, dear readers, YOU’RE WELCOME) to the best of his worst. Like how yoga will turn you into a Hindu-speaking devil worshipper. Or how Jesus wants you to get rich quick by investing in oil, NOT abortion pills. Or why you should not touch that dirty orphan because you don’t know where it’s been.

Thus, as proven connoisseurs, aka freedom experts, of Robertson’s most “Holy shit!” moments, please trust that this might well be one of the very best holy shittiest series of words ever spewed from his leathery facehole. EVER.

Cocaine is a product of a vegetable. Alcohol is a product of a vegetable. Marijuana is a vegetable. And yet people are enslaved to vegetables. And you were made in the image of God! God made you in his image to reign and rule with him. He gave you incredible authority. Why would you become a slave to a vegetable? Why? Why would you do it?

We do not know why we are slaves to vegetables, Pat. Maybe it’s because our parents did not beat the veggie-smokin’ out of us until we learned to love Jesus, as you have previously recommended. But pray continue:

You say, “Well, you don’t understand.” Yeah I understand! I’ve seen a lot of stuff going over the years that I’ve lived. Lot of people have a lot of problems. But I’ll tell you one thing. God almighty can deliver you from the bondage of your addiction, your slavery to vegetables. He can set you free.

And he can put you in his house. You see, God doesn’t want to condemn you. God wants you to be cleansed from a guilty conscience, that you might serve the living god. He wants your service, he doesn’t want your condemnation.

So I’m not here to condemn you. God’s not here to condemn you. God says, “Listen. Just gimme your hand. Just gimme your hand. Reach out and take my hand, and I’ll lift you out of this bondage, and I’ll give you freedom, and I’ll put you in the place you’re supposed to be, in charge of things.”

That sounds like a terrific deal, and we would definitely take “God’s” hand to free ourselves of our addiction to carrot sticks, but we do not want to get icky Pat Robertson germs because we don’t know where he’s been.

So instead, we will offer some friendly advice to you, Pat Robertson. Please report to the nearest Michelle Obama fitness and nutritional indoctrination re-education camp to learn about the basic food groups. Amen.

Can't. Even.
[Rawstory]

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  • Fifty Plates of Kale

    • Blank Ron

      Bravo!

    • Lizzietish81
      • JVisconti

        Aaron Schock has a new gig? I always saw him as an axe man.

      • A Bashful Nobody

        Lizzie, where the heck do you get these pics?

        • Lizzietish81

          Well this one is in association to my Lord and Savior, one Misha Collins who has both a Kale obsession and also runs a giant scavenger hunt, which apparently included getting a picture of a fireman dressed in kale. He also does charity work, did a series of videos about TSA which are available on youtube, is twitter pals with William Shatner and is in Supernatural as Dean Winchester’s hot angelic boyfriend.

    • memzilla

      Wut?

      • Jared James

        That’s not right. For one, because the majority of greenery there isn’t even lettuce; it’s clearly basil.

    • Blueb4sunrise

      Carrot with a whip logo?

  • MrCanoehead

    “Slave to a vegetable” comment about followers of any given GOP leader in 3…2…1…

    • JohnBull

      I’d love to see that, followed by the responses of WW2-era Americans who survived the Depression on whatever spiny lettuce and tomatoes grew in their gardens. Bunch of elitists.

  • JohnBull

    You know who also ate vegetables??

    • Blank Ron

      The bunnies living under the big bush in my back yard, dammit.

    • MrBlobfish

      Not Stacey Irvine

    • Candy Apple

      Was it Pol Pot? I bet it was Pol Pot.

    • johnnyangel
    • JVisconti

      Louis Gohmert does have an admitted special relationship with asparagus that may or may not include oral consumption.

      • A Bashful Nobody

        I cast aspersions upon you……….

    • HarryButtle

      Not me, motherfucker!

      (That’s the same answer my mom got whenever she tried to contaminate my plate with roots and leaves.)

    • JustPixelz

      Kortney?

  • Blank Ron
  • JohnBull

    Pat’s right. Eat meat only. Deep fat fry it and wash it down with a 40-ounce Mountain Dew for every meal, like how the founders envisioned. That way you can meet Jesus 20 years earlier than you wanted.

    • Bitter Scribe

      This reminds me of an old Shoe comic:

      CUSTOMER FROM TEXAS: I’d like a big ol’ steak.

      WAITRESS: Sure. That comes with your choice of vegetable.

      CFT: Vegetables ain’t food.

      WAITRESS: You don’t eat vegetables?

      CFT: Vegetables are what food eats.

      • Blank Ron

        ALF used that joke too.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Ron Swanson also, too

    • PubOption

      Hang on, doesn’t Mountain Dew contain sugar? That would be a product of a vegetable according to senile old Pat.

      • bikerlaureate

        And caffeine too, but opposing those two chemicals is going to cause some irritation among the griftees.

  • MrBlobfish

    He’s right, you know. The Bible says the only approved foods are bread, fish and fatted calf. And drinkin’ wine spodie-odie

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Many vegetables are also phallic in shape. The Devil’s Penis = zucchini.

    • MrBlobfish

      I figured it was more like an artichoke. Ouch.

  • Bitter Scribe

    The nearest I can figure is: Michelle Obama wants kids (and others) to eat more vegetables, therefore vegetables are bad. Makes perfect sense.

  • Mormos

    honestly what bugs me most is that NOTHING HE LISTED IS A VEGETABLE!

    Alcohol is made from grains and fruit dipshit. And go ahead and ingest a marijuana and coca leaf salad, see what happens.

    • Blank Ron

      And it’s funny that he never mentioned tobacco. And by ‘funny’ I mean, he knows who butters HIS bread.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Vodka.

  • smashedinhat

    The gentleman is so old & crazed his meanderings should be viewed as performance art. Scary to think that there might actually be citizens who make plans around his missives.

    • Blank Ron

      ‘Might’?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Has he been seen yelling at clouds yet

    • OneYieldRegular

      A French friend asked me recently who Pat Robertson was. I told him he’s something like the U.S. national clown.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        French beans are vegetables! French fries, too. Beware!!!!111!,11,11!

    • JohnBull

      Thankfully they’re too terrified of women, ISIS, and gays hiding behind their garage that they don’t leave the house. Except on Sundays when they head to the nearest Perkins and wonder if it’s still okay to slap the waitress on the ass.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      As tempting as it is to blame his schtick on age, the truth is he has always been this crazy. And behind all the outward trappings of senility, he is still the same old money-grubbing crook he always was.

  • mrFawkes

    Included old Pat in my annual Dead Pool pick ten this year. Come on Pat help me out, big money is on the line…all you have to do is stop breathing–kinda like a vegetable.

    • O4FSake

      He and Phyllis Schlafly are at the top of my list.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    “Lisa, are you going to marry a carrot?”
    “Yes, I’m going to marry a carrot.”
    “Aha! She admits it!”

    • HarryButtle

      Lisa’s a Grade A moron.

  • Nounverb911

    Pot’s a vegetable? Let’s it put in school lunches and tell everyone that Pat said to do it.

  • chascates

    Why would he become a slave to an imaginary being?

    • Blank Ron

      Ah, but keep in mind, it’s the imaginary being who’s being controlled by Patsy here.

  • say wha

    “Hey you kids, get off my vegetables!”

  • deanbooth

    I’m a slave to casaba melons.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    What about ketchup? I heard somewhere that ketchup is a vegetable.

    • Nounverb911

      Actually, it was Reagan that was the vegetable.

  • weejee

    Larry Bob, don’t be bogarting that joint!

    Bob Sorries, shoulda listened to Pat.

  • Spotts1701

    I knew there was something suspicious about my salad.

    • nmmagyar

      Toss it! Toss it right now!! For Jesus!!!!!!!!

  • Candy Apple

    Has anyone tried to explain to Pat what wine is made out of?

    • sw19womble

      Fruit!

  • orygoon

    And then did he eat a raw horse’s heart on the teevee, like Daenerys Tagaryen? I’d actually watch that.

    • sw19womble

      Pat Robertson in Daenarys cosplay outfit, eating raw meat?

      Is there a vine?

  • John

    Wow, batcrap crazy doesn’t even begin to describe this man

  • Enfant Terrible

    Wait ’til Food Babe hears about this…

  • synykyl

    This is why I only take synthetic hallucinogens and refuse to wear anything made of cotton. I don’t want to be a slave to some vegetable!

  • Toomush_Infer

    And cucumbers! They can be replaced with plastic, you know! And plastic is a vegetable….

  • Lizzietish81

    Wait, even if we eat meat, we’re eating vegetables, so the solution is to stop eating all together.

    • willi0000000

      there’s a short history of breathatarians.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Sounds like a good move for Pat. For our sake anyway…

  • Toomush_Infer

    These chains of garlic just won’t let me free….

  • smashedinhat

    When the camera red light goes off I can see him peeling off his rubber face and loudly exclaiming,”Fuck it! Is it beer:30 yet!?”

  • Lizzietish81
  • OneYieldRegular

    Marijuana is a vegetable? This contributes, like, a whole new level of f*cked-up to Ronald Reagan’s having added ketchup to school lunches.

  • sw19womble

    I’m just going to leave this here:

    Original Syd Barrett/Pink Floyd:
    http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xe555e_syd-barrett-vegetable-man_music

    good cover:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ie0ioRGHMQ

  • JoeChristmas

    Lettuce pray!

  • Rebecca Johnson

    “Alcohol is a product of a vegetable.”

    N- no?

    • Logic of Color

      Clearly you’ve never had rum. Wait, sugar is a vegetable, right?

  • FlownOver

    [Insert painfully obvious joke about the 700 Club and “enslavement to a vegetable” here]

    • Nounverb911

      Why does Pat Robertson’s wife prefer cucumbers to him?

      • FlownOver

        In Rightwingistan, pickle is in you.

      • O4FSake

        Only the gherkins

    • Nuke90210

      Pat’s the vegetable, and the watchers are enslaved. :D

  • Nuke90210

    I….I can’t.
    Seriously, that shriveled thing can hardly open his eyes, just put him in a home already. He’s obviously delirious
    .

    • JustPixelz

      I’ve already asked the invisible sky man to take care of that.

      • Nuke90210

        Maybe he’s busy. Call Buddha. Or Cthulhu.

        • Land Shark

          or Mr. Biel_ze_Bubba

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Not my department. I can lead ’em to the edge, but I can’t kick ’em in.

          • Land Shark

            If you’l take him, I’ll push.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Please. We’ve been waiting for a decade.

        • You called? I was just tidying up the dashboard. What’s up?

          • Nuke90210

            Put Robertson in a home kthxbye

  • Notreelyhelping

    Listen, man, listen…just one more ear, man. One cob of corn and I swear, I’m done, man. If you could just…just…. GIVE ME THE GODDAMNED CORN!

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Don’t worry, I know a guy. You’ll be swimming in kale by Friday night.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I’m going to reserve my judgment until I hear what Kortney thinks about this.

    • O4FSake

      I’m waiting for Sarah to weigh in. Does word salad count? And F you Reagan. Clowns like Pat gained too much ground because of you.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    And yet people are enslaved to vegetables. And you were made in the image of God!

    So…. Soylent Green, then?

  • JoeChristmas

    And no sex with vegetables. (Fresh meat is OK though.)

  • Bill Slider

    This has to be some kind of code for his approving of fruits and nuts, but not vegetables. Now, if only I could break the code.

    • Yes, this flake is advocating fruits and nuts.

      • Bill Slider

        I was too subtle, as I was thinking fruits and nuts, as in gays and liberals.

        • Ha! I saw your subtle and raised it with obtuse.

          • Bill Slider

            You win. I owe you one. One what I am not sure, your call.

  • Poly_Ester

    Where does this leave Gary Legum[e]?

    • Mary Sandoras

      With Peggy Noonans’ martini olives?

  • tonyr62

    I was going to eat some celery but Pat Robertson talked me into a nice Holy bowl of ice cream!

    • tonyr62

      Before you go telling me that cows eat vegetables, let me point out that those veggies get purified and come out sanctified through the cows’ Jesus-tits. Amen!

      • Amy!

        Holy yoghurt, Patman!

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Just say no to Cruciferae

  • Olav_Pompatus

    … and babies of Pat Robertson’s viewers are made by vegetables.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Yeah. For sure. That’s why, at age six, when I said to my mom “I don’t want this fucking broccoli” she belted me half way across the room and then stuffed the damn veggies in every orifice she could reach. I didn’t realize that procreation was involved and I was too young for this birds-and-bees stuff.

  • AmusedAmused

    Paper is made from plants. Ink is made from organic compounds, just like plants, and some chemicals used to make ink are still derived from plants or plant byproducts. Therefore, Pat Robertson’s Bible is a vegetable. Why is Pat Robertson so addicted to a vegetable??

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You know what else is made from ink made from plants? No, not Hitler. Money. Pat is far more addicted to money than he is to any old Bible. Why would he do that?

      • AmusedAmused

        And it’s green, too, just like broccoli.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Okay, I’ll have a BLT. Hold the lettuce, the tomato, and the bread.

    • mailman27

      Between your knees.

  • Spurning Beer

    I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals. I’m a vegetarian because I hate plants.

  • AngstAMillion

    Hmmm, I think Mr Robertson is the vegetable to whom his followers are enslaved. All we are saying, is give peas a chance.

  • OooShiny

    “Why would you become a slave to a vegetable?

    Gosh, Pat; I don’t know. Why DO millions of people send their last nickel to you every month?

    • Land Shark

      FTW

  • OooShiny

    When did Patty lose his cervical vertebrae?

    How does he keep his head from rolling away and his tie from falling off without a neck?

  • Anarchy Pony

    Alcohol can also be derived from fruit.

    • AmusedAmused

      In fact, the only animal-derived alcohol I can think of is kumys (aka airag), and I’m not sure Pat Robertson would drink that, because it’s un-American.

    • Skeptic Rising

      Not really. Alcohol is yeast piss. Yeast eats sugar, whether the sugar comes from starches (like potatoes) or fruit or corn. It’s still just sugar and yeast.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      GAY alcohol??? Oh, the horror!!

  • AmusedAmused

    Forgive the derail, but this reminded me of something …
    In the 1980’s (back in the Soviet Union), my mother met a party delegate from Mongolia, who refused the gift of a basket of fruit from the Committee in the dead of winter. Fruit was rarely seen in Russia in winter, so the Mongolian woman explained: “I don’t care how good it is for me or how wonderful it tastes; we don’t eat this stuff.” It turned out, as she explained, that traditional Mongolian culture has this whole food hierarchy, where, with few exceptions, plant-derived food is only thought fit for consumption by animals. Humans, in turn, eat those animals. It is believed to be beneath human dignity to eat plant-derived food. I don’t know whether this is still true in Mongolia — a lot has happened in the world since then — but it’s consistent with what I later read about Mongolian conquests in the Middle Ages, and the comments Mongolians made about settled societies, that farmers and urban dwellers are no better than herd animals, hey, they even eat things out of the ground, disgusting. Maybe Robertson read a book about Genghis Khan and is all pumped?
    End derail.

    • jn

      That was really interesting! A lot of the USA thinks that way too, unfortunately.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Genghis Khan: very godly man.

      • AmusedAmused

        Well, he was, I hear, “religiously tolerant”. So that’s something, right? Modern historians like to stress that over the fact that he killed so many people, there were piles of skulls in some places visible for miles away, fields blanketed with human bones that travelers would at first mistake for snow, and roads distabilized by all the grease and massive amounts of liquified human remains. Sure, he killed tens of millions and raped so many women that he radically altered the genetic makeup of the surviving steppe population (and a sizeable fraction of people in Eurasia today are direct descendants of Genghis Khan himself), but hey, he tolerated the religious beliefs of the handful of people he left alive, so, triumph of diversity and acceptance, amen. The best thing about Genghis Khan is that he offers people across the widest political spectrum something to identify with and admire.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Shit………….no salad with dinner tonight.

  • “God’s not here to condemn you.”

    Except for that whole hell thing you fundies seem to like so much.

  • Word salad from the veggie hater.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I’ll put you in the place you’re supposed to be, in charge of things.”

    Pat’s viewers, in charge of things? Yeah, what could go wrong with that? There’s a very good reason they’re not in charge, Pat . . . and you’re smoking some vegetables yourself if you think God is going to put them there.

  • Barley_Brains

    I’ve got kale simmerin’ on the stove. Up yours Pat.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Do NOT cast Aspersions on my asparagus!!!!!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I would never cast aspersions on asparagus itself but watch out for the asparagus schapps. That stuff is possessed by demons.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I had some carbonated asparagus soda once. Damn Koreans.

  • Donna Rail

    Where was this guy in 1978, when I didn’t want to eat my green beans?

    • JTQ

      I think he’s railin’ for a bigger audience by drawing in veggie hating kids – they’ll then watch him in 30 years as adults, ya know.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Do you think the will take him off the show before he has to start wearing a drool cup under his chin?

    • SayItWithWookies

      Not unless they invent a time machine.

  • sillyclucker

    Some people say What’s that? …
    It’s Pat!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    All right, level with me. Pat Robertson doesn’t really exist, right? The name sounds obviously made up. It’s really Andy Kaufman in heavy makeup doing the most incredible performance art in the history of comedy. Amirite?

  • ViveLaRes

    Actually, he may be right. The plant in the background looks like it’s thinking about taking him out.

  • SayItWithWookies

    God used to fight the debbil. Now it’s fighting vegetables. Say what you will about the deity, it’s getting closer and closer to my estimation of its real abilities.

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    I’ll say this, ain’t no cauliflower ever called me “honkey.”

  • DahBoner

    And Guacamole is actually fruits and roots…

  • DahBoner

    The first time I ate crickets, I had to close my eyes.

    But now, I’m almost addicted to them…

  • Virginia Dreaming

    You should not be addicted to vegetables. So does that mean we pull the plug on Pat’s life support?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Call any vegetable
    And the chances are good
    That the vegetable will respond to you
    Oh, no!
    Can you see them responding?
    The pumpkin is breathing hard….

  • O4FSake

    Sounds like Pat may have a serious meat addiction. I pray for his colon. I’m packing heat at the farmer’s market and will shoot the first head of cauliflower in sight.

  • timpundit

    Was there any difference in what Pat is quoted above, with what a mental ill person would be yelling on a street corner? Honeslty , it is about the same kind of holy gibberish.

  • OzarkTroutBum

    Well…..I for one, welcome our new vegetable overlords.

    Now if you don’t mind passing me that bong and a can of that sacramental beverage….

  • JTQ

    Says the man who visited Korean prostitutes regularly during his oh-so-dangerous time there.

  • Alan Christensen

    If cocaine and marijuana are vegetables, that means they’re good for me! Brother Pat said so! (I stopped listening after 0:51)

  • Alan Christensen

    If cocaine and marijuana are vegetables, that means they’re good for me! Brother Pat said so! (I stopped listening after 0:51)

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