Televangelist conman-for-Jesus crazy mofo Pat Robertson has scammed a lot of money over the years by offering “the Lord’s” pro-tips on his teevee show, the 700 Club. We could devote 29 hours a day to watching him and trying to make jokes for you about what a crazy mofo that crazy mofo really is. However, we don’t have that kind of time, nor have we enough spoons with which to stab ourselves in the ear, so we limit ourselves (and you, dear readers, YOU’RE WELCOME) to the best of his worst. Like how yoga will turn you into a Hindu-speaking devil worshipper. Or how Jesus wants you to get rich quick by investing in oil, NOT abortion pills. Or why you should not touch that dirty orphan because you don’t know where it’s been.
Thus, as proven connoisseurs, aka freedom experts, of Robertson’s most “Holy shit!” moments, please trust that this might well be one of the very best holy shittiest series of words ever spewed from his leathery facehole. EVER.
Cocaine is a product of a vegetable. Alcohol is a product of a vegetable. Marijuana is a vegetable. And yet people are enslaved to vegetables. And you were made in the image of God! God made you in his image to reign and rule with him. He gave you incredible authority. Why would you become a slave to a vegetable? Why? Why would you do it?
We do not know why we are slaves to vegetables, Pat. Maybe it’s because our parents did not beat the veggie-smokin’ out of us until we learned to love Jesus, as you have previously recommended. But pray continue:
You say, “Well, you don’t understand.” Yeah I understand! I’ve seen a lot of stuff going over the years that I’ve lived. Lot of people have a lot of problems. But I’ll tell you one thing. God almighty can deliver you from the bondage of your addiction, your slavery to vegetables. He can set you free.
And he can put you in his house. You see, God doesn’t want to condemn you. God wants you to be cleansed from a guilty conscience, that you might serve the living god. He wants your service, he doesn’t want your condemnation.
So I’m not here to condemn you. God’s not here to condemn you. God says, “Listen. Just gimme your hand. Just gimme your hand. Reach out and take my hand, and I’ll lift you out of this bondage, and I’ll give you freedom, and I’ll put you in the place you’re supposed to be, in charge of things.”
That sounds like a terrific deal, and we would definitely take “God’s” hand to free ourselves of our addiction to carrot sticks, but we do not want to get icky Pat Robertson germs because we don’t know where he’s been.
So instead, we will offer some friendly advice to you, Pat Robertson. Please report to the nearest Michelle Obama fitness and nutritional indoctrination re-education camp to learn about the basic food groups. Amen.